Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

As Theresa May makes her debut speech to the European Parliament,

In London, one disgruntled traveller decided to put his dispute

with the rail company behind him and move on.

Following viewers complaints Eastenders is too bleak, script

writers come up with a new hobby for Phil Mitchell. LAUGHTER

On Ian's team tonight is the leader of the Lib Dems,

Appearing on the show two weeks after Nick Clegg. Which means the

Lib Dems have almost as many seats in this studio as they do in

Parliament! Please welcome Tim Farron.

And with Paul tonight is a presenter and football pundit who's famous

for not knowing what's going on, on the pitch ? which makes him

the favourite to be next England manager.

Are you likely to be the next England manager? I'm not likely to

be the next England manager. I've got too many skeletons in my closet!

LAUGHTER How about President of the United States of America? LAUGHTER

That's a possibility. I can't believe that want to replace a black

president with an orange one! LAUGHTER

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Prime Minister, do you know what's going on? Slippery animal there.

With a fish. The Chancellor takes on allcomers. Fox hunting may be. This

is Brexit and there is civil war breaking out in the Tory party. It's

going to be messy. It's going to be a party that falls apart, how can

anyone do that? We have none of that, it's marvellous! Well there is

only 11 of you. It's not quite that yet. Is it not? After Whitney we'll

have three MPs. This is the news that Brexit still means Brexit and

we have to keep talking about it for ever. What secret document from

Boris's past was revealed this week? He had a column in the Telegraph and

he couldn't make his mind up so he wrote two. One saying we should

definitely leave and one saying we should definitely remain. People say

this is an indication he's a bit 2-faced.

People are very rude about Boris, I think he's just on the make, really!

APPLAUSE Have you had a chance to reconsider

your public call for him to be arrested? No. I stick by every word.

Except I've got another column where I said I thought you should be let

off. Let's have a look at what his secret one said. "

Also he gave warnings about the downsides of Brexit, arguing it

could lead to economic shock, Russian aggression and a new

Scottish referendum. The only thing he didn't see coming was Will Young

dropping out of Strictly. What did the chairman of the EU Foreign

Affairs Committee have to say about our Brexit ministers? He said one of

them was extremely good-looking. LAUGHTER This is a very thin

disguise, what is Boris up to? Which one of those glasses and moustache

comes off in one go? He did say they have no idea of their plan... Oh

dear. What does Jacob Rees-Mogg think of Elmar Brok? I wake up every

morning wondering what Jacob Rees-Mogg is going to say. I have a

special tea towel embroidered" what would Jacob do?" Jacob who? The

finest backline West Ham ever had! I remember him well! If you don't know

who he is you'll have quite an experience. Elmar Brok is clueless,

he's a know nothing blowhard. LAUGHTER Migrant children with

family already living here have been arriving from the Calle Jungle. Why

has this been controversial? -- some are concerned some of the refugees

we've been letting in might not be desperate enough. David Davis

tweeted a picture of some of the children saying "I hope British

hospitality is not being abused". People don't like the idea there are

lots of young men, they are the people who come because it is young

men who get shipped this way. They are going to be young men, that's

what they look like. The Daily Mail are keen on checking the ages of

these people. They have aged this man using a computer programme as

aged 38. According to Microsoft the app they used is a fun app that

guesses how old you are using machine learning. So we've done it

to you, Ian and Paul. Ian 26 and Paul 28. Don't get too pleased with

yourselves. This is what happened with Norman Tebbit. 23! To Reza's in

Brussels now as we record the programme, hoping for a smooth

Brexit. -- Theresa May is in Brussels. We must say hard or soft

any more. I had a smooth Brexit for breakfast this morning which I made

in my Nutribullet. I can vouch for that, I was sat in an extreme! You

as well?! -- in the next room. She gets to tell what the other leaders

what her plans are but Donald Tusk has said there will be no

pre-negotiations until Article 50 is triggered. You go way back. Once

upon a time we both had Rick Astley's haircut. We stood the North

West Durham in a very safe Labour seat in 1992. Let's have a look at

you in happier times. Here you are in a synthpop duo in the 1980s.

LAUGHTER Actually you were in a band, when shoe? Tell us what's

going on here. That is Robert on the right and David on the left. We were

utterly, utterly dreadful. Was that the name of the band? LAUGHTER We

had a great time. We were terrible. Which sums up my life, really! Tim,

you've been fighting hard to put the Lib Dems back on the map. Let's have

a look at some footage from the Lib Dem party conference a few weeks

back just to see how well it is going. You know which political

party having a conference here this week? No. Couldn't tell you. The

TUC? Do you know which political party has its conference going on

here at the moment? What do you think of them? What do I think of

them? Who are they? It's going well! Who's been using the referendum

result of further her own aims this week?

Nicola Sturgeon, what has she been saying? Another Scottish referendum.

We are going to be joined by Scottish First Minister Nicola

Sturgeon who will be talking about a second referendum on independence.

I'm sorry, we've clearly run the wrong picture. My apologies there.

LAUGHTER To be fair none of us are at our best but early in the

morning. She looked all right to me! This is the bleating of bitter

Remoaners who refuse to accept the vote of the British people. The

Sunday Times revealed at one point Boris Johnson wanted to punch

Michael Gove. The only reason he didn't is that he hates queueing.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Meanwhile the Independent reported

that the first unaccompanied children from the jungle vulnerable

Jungle in Calais arrived in Croydon. You can't make the transition from

squalor and deprivation too abrupt! Paul and Chris, take a look at this.

Here we are, the magnificent idiot Trump. With his wandering hands.

That's probably her e-mails. This is Julian Loro Piana. Donald Trump is

losing lots of votes... The US election as it struggles to an

unedifying climax... I've experienced a few of those...

LAUGHTER The final debate was on Wednesday and the whole electoral

process was summed up by one American commentator. This is a very

sad night for the country. You can't polish this turd. Technically you

can't polish any turd. LAUGHTER How did the debate kick-off? With a

right hook. No handshake. You don't want him touching you, do you?!

Trump said he's not going to accept the verdict, unless he wins. He said

"I would like to promise and pledge to all my voters and supporters that

I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential

election" ... If I win. LAUGHTER What else has Trump whinged about

according to Hillary? The Grammys. They are rigged, too, apparently.

There was even a time when he didn't get an Emmy for his TV programme

three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged.

Should have gotten it. LAUGHTER Who did Trump invite to sit in the front

row and make Hillary feel weird? Was it Vladimir Putin? Barack Obama's

half brother. Yes. He doesn't like him, do you know why? Sibling

rivalry. Malik Obama told ITV... And says to me, what have you done?!

To be fair, he is the President! What role did Trump try and impose

on last night's debate? No sense, no facts. He thought Hillary was on

performance enhancing drugs. A drugs test! He tried to insist they both

be drug tested. Period have tested positive for spray mount. -- he

would have tested positive for spray mount. It is a pity Hillary is such

a terrible candidate. Anyone else would have won by now! If Michelle

Obama was Stanley, it would be all over. You have got the wrong

President's Y. APPLAUSE

One of the latest allegations of misogyny came from a Swedish

supermodel who said: Unfortunately for her, she ended up next Clinton.

The security team for Hillary Clinton call her: Whereas, for

Trump, it is never mind. Comparing the work of their respective

charities, Hillary Clinton declared that the Trump foundation took money

from other people and bought a 6-foot portrait of Donald.

Apparently, it's very realistic. The hands seem to follow you around the

room. And so to round two:

the one-armed bandit of news. Fingers on buzzers team,

here's the first one: This is the reconstruction of the

Battle of facing. You can see the battlefield has changed somewhat. --

the Battle of Hastings. The drinks cabinet represents where William the

Conqueror made his victory speech. As near as dammit, Paul.

This is the 950-year-old news that there's been a battle in Hastings.

And if you don't want to know the result, look away now:

Who won? Who won the Battle of Hastings? It was West Ham, wasn't

it? One Battle of Hastings fan

built this wonderful And the words of and the are under

suspicion. They thought if they called it the Battle of Battle,

people would think they were silly. You will find there is a northern

town called Skirmish. This has been travelling for years

with someone else's card. Nearly, it's a duck on an aeroplane. The

duck has an official title. Does anyone know it? Stewart ducky

McDuck. He is called an emotional support duck. Someone has made this

up. A greater source of pride than his brother, Toilet. Does anyone

know what an emotional support duck actually wears? It's not even a real

thing. According to the Telegraph, Daniel the duck was wearing little

red booties. If someone is having a panic attack on a plane, the site of

a little duck in red boots wouldn't calm you at all. And he had a sign

saying, my first flight. And a Captain America diaper to make sure

he didn't go to the toilet on the floor. Why does Captain America need

to wear red diaper? Maybe he has IBS or something. Who knows, Paul? It's

not good use of superpowers, is it? How did he pass the time mid-flight,

for example? How did he pass the time? He looked out of the window.

Having a gander! Thank you! Daniel also had a snack before boarding. I

hesitate to ask you what you think he might have eaten, but go on.

Quackers? According to one passenger: Finally come of what

record has a Peterborough hen set this week? Most eggs? The biggest

ever egg. Here it is. Do we have a picture of the chicken that Lady

egg? No, it's in intensive care. Now the odd one out Brown. Just one

between you. Your four are: Ken Clarke was caught calling

Theresa May that bloody difficult woman. Sam Allardyce was caught. And

the ghost wasn't. You're in the right area, but you got the question

on. Liam Fox. Anthony Donleavy claimed to have

filmed a ghost in his trousers. Anthony Dunleavy

claimed to film a ghost Anthony had got home and had

taken off his trousers, thrown them over the edge

of the sofa when the trouser leg Who wants to see Anthony's haunted

trousers? Is that it? I wish I hadn't insulted

the dock with the red boots. That is the worst bit of film we've ever

been asked to comment on, ever. What's making your washing move in

the garden? Is it Oliver Cromwell?! LAUGHTER

According to the Sun one person who's lost a lot of work because of

Sam Allardyce's departure is Steve Walsh bank, his lookalike. Surely

anyone can do a Sam Allardyce impression with their hands over

their face. He looks like Ed Balls. You know him, he's a dancer. Chris,

you've been caught unaware on camera a few times, haven't you? Second

half is just about underweight... Who started the better, Chris?

LAUGHTER Well the second half is under way at Upton Park. Who started

the better, Chris? LAUGHTER Second half is well underway at Upton Park

now. Who started the better, Chris? , He has not got a Scooby Doo. I

really should watch Sky. You should similarly only 40 quid a month. We

could have the fit is round tomorrow. Would you actually come

round and fix it yourself? I would. I am fitting two tomorrow, so I can

fit Ian in as well. They've all been filmed without their knowledge,

apart from Liam Fox, who didn't know he was being recorded when he called

Ricky is businessmen fat and lazy. According to the Mirror, a man has

claimed to have footage of a ghost when his trousers started to move of

their own accord. When asked... Time now for the

Missing Words round... Which this week features,

as its guest publication Scaffmag, It's a great magazine ? they do

set the bar very high. Ian and Tim, you get the first five,

and we start with... Using an impact wrench. This article

details advice from the National access and scaffolding

confederation, highlighting a considered list of arguments about

which is the more efficient impact wrench. One of the entries puts the

counterargument: One of the entries puts

the counterargument: unless shoppers have

actually bought something. Cigarettes, mobile

top-ups and scratchcards. Hang on, that's three

of my five-a-day. Next: Accidentally signal to an

enemy U-boat in the harbour. Entire plot of last of the summer Wine.

Pose no threat to the scaffolding industry.

The highly credible Lib Dem result in Witney. About mustard. The first

time I had one of those, I assumed it was a niche adult website. Of

course we mainly brought up wrapping to share this!

APPLAUSE And that is why we won the

referendum! He's doing his Sam Allardyce impression, look! It's a

terrible moment for me, because I've just changed my opinion about

Brexit. So, the final scores are, Ian and Tim at two, and Paul and

Chris have eight. APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists. I leave you with

news that is, are arriving in Brussels for a mini break, one woman

gets a nasty surprise as she tries to change her pounds into Euros.

At London Zoo, after the recent unsuccessful escape attempt

by a gorilla, bets are being laid as to who will try next.

As the Foreign Secretary arrives to brief the Queen on important

matters, he finds it strange that there is no answer, no matter how

often he rings the doorbell. Good night!

I'm investigating a worldwide illegal ivory trade that

continues despite a ban imposed over 25 years ago.

This scene's being played out all over Africa.

Who's doing the killing, and who's doing the buying and selling?