Episode 1 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News for You.

I'm Patrick Stewart.

In the news this week,

after a Question Time election special,

featuring Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May,

Tim Farron and Nicola Sturgeon,

staff open the doors so the audience can leave.

In New York, after tense negotiations

take the world closer to Armageddon,

leading figures continue discussions in the UN bar.

MUSIC PLAYS

And at the National Television Museum,

visitors are becoming impatient

with the man hogging the Pretend to Be a Newsreader exhibit.

You see who's poking his head in the back?

It's Corbyn.

On Ian's team tonight is a journalist

who once worked as a tour guide at the Playboy Mansion.

It's a pretty straightforward job -

"This is a bedroom.

"This is a bedroom.

"This is a bedroom.

"This is a kitchen.

"Don't mind them - they're using it as a bedroom."

Please welcome Camilla Long.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And with Paul tonight is a TV personality and football fan

who recently tweeted that if Fulham won,

he would buy all their fans a pint.

I didn't know Chardonnay came in pints.

Please welcome Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.

Ooh, night of the Living Dead.

-Really!

-It really is!

It will be, the next six weeks.

Oh, I'm so pleased they're all in charge(!)

-Oh, dear.

-And that's the public reaction.

Well, this is it, we're off. There's a general election.

We haven't had one for two years,

we haven't had a big vote for a year -

we need something to pep us up.

I'm delighted about it. I'm the only person who's happy about it.

About five years ago, I invested in shares

in that company that makes tiny pencils for voting booths.

Yeah, yeah. Lots of people had said "You're wasting your money,"

at the time - they said that, didn't they? Not any more.

Look at that. Beautiful.

I think it's sensible to call a snap election -

-get it in before nuclear war.

-Yeah.

I think she wants to slide it in before Donald comes.

-Because she...

-I beg your pardon?!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-She said she'd make an announcement at 11:15am.

-Ah, yes.

But she came out ten minutes early.

Probably because she got sick

of watching rolling-news reporters shitting themselves

because they had no idea what was happening.

Let's have a look.

Is she going to call a snap general election?

I don't know, Vic. I wish I could tell you one way or the other.

We really know nothing.

They can often be resignation statements,

they can be election statements,

they can be personal statements.

We do not know.

-IN SPANISH ACCENT:

-I know nothing! I know nothing!

Let's try someone who might know something.

Patrick Kidd, parliamentary sketch-writer from the Times,

-what's your take?

-Well, I know nothing, either.

LAUGHTER

How has it gone down, this snap election?

Everybody's bored to death of going to the voting booths.

I think that's unfair.

-Is that an exaggeration?

-Yeah, I think so.

I think there's quite a lot of excitement.

You can feel it.

LAUGHTER

We're going to vote again.

Because we've got a government in power that wants to be back...

..in power.

So they're going to the people to say, "Give me a mandate...

"which I have."

Don't you think it's a bit more than that?

Don't you think she's trying to sort of...

crush the saboteurs?

Yes, I read that headline.

I thought I'd read the wrong election -

I thought that was the Turkish one.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What she said was that she was fed up

with having a divided House of Commons

in which the opposition just keep on opposing.

In the old days, when she was a Tory backbencher

and Labour were in power,

she just voted Labour all the time.

She voted for Labour about as often as Jeremy Corbyn did, didn't she,

I think, back in those days?

Brenda from Bristol doesn't like it, does she?

-Brenda from Bristol?

-Yeah.

You're joking? Not another one?!

Oh, for God's sake, I can't...

Honestly, I can't stand this.

There's too much politics going on at the moment.

Why does she need to do it?

I mean, and she's in the Cabinet.

LAUGHTER

What has Theresa May refused to do?

Appear in televised debates with the other potential leaders,

leaders of the opposition, of the parties.

She doesn't want to have to appear

with people who don't agree with her, which is fair enough.

-But...

-I mean, that would be absurd, wouldn't it?

It would just be silly.

She'd say something and they'd say, "I don't think that's right",

and it would just be offensive.

They're going to have them anyway, with an empty chair.

Well, if more than one person doesn't turn up,

then they'll have more than one empty chair, what if one...

If for some reason they all have an argument,

and none of the leaders turn up, you've got six empty chairs.

Oh, I'd love to see that. They could turn it into Antiques Roadshow.

Yeah!

-Just value the chairs.

-Yeah.

Well, the polls are all pointing to a big Conservative majority,

but what might prevent several Conservative MPs from standing?

Is this the electoral fraud?

Yes.

-They might be in jail.

-They could be.

And, technically, you're not meant to stand...

-But they haven't been charged.

-..from prison. No, they haven't.

So let's be very, very careful.

Do not suggest that anyone's done anything wrong.

Although they totally did.

LAUGHTER

Don't look at me, I've got nothing to do with this.

I'll come and visit you,

but I'm not having anything to do with this.

Lucky 13 Conservatives may be charged with electrical fraud...

Electrical fraud!

-LAUGHTER

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

They've been fiddling the meters!

Put in the shilling tied to a bit of string,

and pull it out again.

What's Joan Bakewell been saying about Theresa May?

She's been slut-shaming her.

She's been saying that Theresa's skirts are too short.

-Is that slut-shaming?

-Yes, it is.

-Why?

-Because if you say anybody's skirt is too short,

the indication is that she's, you know...

a slut, Captain.

LAUGHTER

In Theresa May's case, how does her sluttiness manifest itself?

-Short skirts.

-Also - calls a lot of elections.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, the BBC's Norman Smith seemed very taken by Theresa May.

Did you see what he said?

No.

I'm always slightly amazed...

physically, she's up for it.

LAUGHTER

Who won't be contesting the next election?

The Chuckle Brothers?

-They can't be separated.

-I'd vote for them.

-George Osborne.

-Yes.

-Jeremy Corbyn.

-George Osborne.

How did he announce this?

He has become the new editor of the London Evening Standard,

so he announced to his constituents in Tatton,

which I think is not in London,

that he was no longer going to be their MP,

but also, he gave the news too late to the Evening Standard

for them to print it that day.

So his qualifications as an editor are, of course, minimal,

or indeed his understanding of how the newspaper industry

currently works.

You could teach him a lot, Ian.

-God! But he only said he's leaving for now.

-For now, yeah.

Which must be great if you're one of his constituents.

"I'm giving up this seat because it is a bit of a bore at the moment,

"but sorry, guys, might come back later

"when there's something better."

He actually meant for Now Magazine.

LAUGHTER

Very good.

This is the news, incredibly, of something more depressing

than the outbreak of World War III.

The Daily Mail, as always, went to the heart of the matter

by printing in-depth analysis

from celebrity hairdresser Denise McAdam.

Ha! You don't need hair to be a great leader!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I ask you, who defeated the Borg?

I thought it was John McEnroe, but you may be...

Can I ask you, Sir Patrick -

Captain - how are you doing the voice of Pooh?

You're in the Emoji film.

Well, um, I said...

I said I would only be in The Emoji Movie

if I played a role that had substance to it.

APPLAUSE

A character with high moral fibre.

Exactly.

You don't want to just be going through the motions.

Absolutely not.

In fact, I have been preparing for this role for a lifetime.

According to the latest odds,

Jeremy Corbyn is now 4-1 to win...

Strictly Come Dancing at the end of the year.

Strictly Come Dancing. It's a lovely show. It's delightful.

Have you done it?

I wanted to, at the very beginning.

And then the tone of it changed somewhat,

and I felt that... "Nah, I could pass."

"Yeah, I'll do Mr Poop instead," you thought.

Paul and Richard, take a look at this.

Oh, yes, Butlin's have announced their new opening.

What is it? This guy doesn't know whether he is really popular,

or whether people are really afraid of him.

We're hoping that is the extent of their missiles.

And this is the most animated he's been in some time, I think.

And that's what happens if people don't get on.

Yeah, so this is the nuclear war that's not going to happen

because Donald Trump, luckily, is in charge of all the negotiations,

and his calm presence of mind will relieve everybody

that thinks they are going to be fried and blown up at any moment.

So, it's all absolutely fine, and everybody's lovely.

-Yeah, I think he's a good guy.

-Yeah.

I'm always amazed that Donald Trump is the same age as my mum.

I always find that very weird.

The only way my mum would go to nuclear war

is if they cancelled Eggheads.

And apart from that, there's nothing else that would...

Isn't that weird?

-CAMILLA:

-My mum would go to nuclear war every day of the week.

I have to power her down the whole time.

I'm glad you both got that out in the open.

Genuinely, I think that the prospect

of our nuclear annihilation very soon

could have some benefits. Don't you think?

I've got a wedding I don't really want to go to in August.

And you sort of think, "Well, I might get away with it."

Why have tensions been rising

between North Korea and the United States recently?

Trump was bored. He was bored of Syria,

he was bored of his own country,

he was bored of people with incompetent haircuts.

And he just thought the fat kid over the sea

will be the next one in line, the one with the shit missiles.

We're going to go for it.

-RICHARD:

-Stop slut-shaming Kim Jong-un.

And this is mutually assured lunacy.

It's a new international policy.

The Koreans have to believe that Trump is mad enough

to launch a missile strike.

And he is.

So...they now both are more wary.

I'm just being hopeful.

Who did Donald Trump meet recently

that he's hoping will rein in North Korea's threatening behaviour?

Was it me?

President Xi.

Yes. He was invited to meet President Trump at Mar-a-Lago.

During his meeting, what news did President Trump impart?

That he'd attacked Syria.

Let's have a look.

So what happens is I said,

"We've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq."

Heading to Syria?

Yes, heading toward Syria.

LAUGHTER

I'm really glad someone actually corrected him.

On a lighter note, President Trump and the First Lady

hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday.

Here's a picture of the launch.

"The president of the United States,

"(left)..."

Why is this rabbit wearing glasses?

I'm not suggesting he shouldn't be wearing glasses,

but I thought rabbits had good eyesight.

He must be able to see North Korea from where he's standing.

How many carrots does HE eat?

Sorry, I'm looking at the wrong one.

Which one's the rabbit again?

Now, given that he was speaking

to an excited group of young children

eagerly awaiting to chase after coloured wooden eggs,

what did Donald Trump say to get the Easter Egg Roll under way?

"Nuke 'em!"

We can hear what he said...

-Oh, can we? Oh, good.

-Go for it.

Let's see Trump launching the fun-filled kiddies' event.

This is the 139th Easter Egg Roll.

Think of it, 139.

It began a long time ago, 1878,

and we will be stronger and bigger and better as a nation

than ever before. We're right on track.

You see what's happening, and we are right on track.

What? Can I...? Why did he...?

I mean, he's got this hand thing going on the whole time.

Has anybody who signs for the deaf interpreted

what the hand's actually saying?

The hand might be saying something,

"Don't listen to him, he's an idiot, listen to me."

What's all this stuff that's going on, what's the matter with him?

-What if it's, "Help"?

-Help.

-"I'm trapped."

"I'm trapped inside his body.

"I'm a 20-year-old woman from Wisconsin."

This takes something of a personal turn right now,

because I have to ask you, what do I have in common

with Donald Trump's adviser, Kellyanne Conway?

-Aah...

-Oh... Erm...

Shall I tell you?

By sheer coincidence, if I dress as a woman...

we look identical.

APPLAUSE

Now you're going to have to help us, which one is which?

-RICHARD:

-You've got a touch of the Mary Berrys about you, as well.

I think that you should see a doctor.

How are you finding the power of the costume

and the make-up and everything?

Did it...? How did it change you? Did it change you?

-Yes. I was different.

-Mmm.

I was not fully a man any more.

The one area in which I was most a man were the high heels.

Have you ever worn high heels?

-Briefly.

-What do you think?

Meanwhile, South Korea's impeached President Park Geun-hye

faces a criminal trial, and according to the Telegraph...

Which, given the regional tensions, could be anything up to six months.

And so to Round Two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

But, in a nod to my role as Professor Charles Xavier,

leader of the X-Men,

I will be spinning the pictures with my mind.

Oooh!

I just need to enhance my powers a little.

OK, we can begin.

Is this something you do in your free time?

Only in the bathroom.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

I hope people are tuning in right at this moment.

He's got a shower unit on his head.

Fingers on buzzers, teams, as I apply my mind.

ELECTRICAL WHIRRING

BUZZER

Well, I mean, I'm just judging it

entirely on what I see on the photograph.

Is there a place called Failure that wants to change its name?

This is the news that a Museum of Failure in Sweden

has rather disappointingly been a moderate success,

and moved to permanent premises.

American failure enthusiast Dr Samuel West

has assembled 50 failed products in his exhibition,

to celebrate making mistakes.

What might women find of interest at the Museum of Failure?

It's BIC's controversial range of pens.

-Oh, yes, yes.

-For Her. CAMILLA:

-The Lady BICs.

One reviewer wrote...

-Time for the Odd One Out Round.

-Yay!

Your four are...

BBC weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker,

Sisyphus,

participants of the reality show Eden,

and Wheel of Fortune contestant Kevin Haas.

Eden, Eden... What do you know about Eden?

-RICHARD:

-Eden - that's the story you always want to happen,

unless you're on it.

It's a TV show, and Channel 4 made it, and they said...

They got a group of people, 20 people and said,

"We're going to maroon you on a Scottish island for a year.

"We're going to film it, we're going to put it out,

"and it will be the big new reality show".

They put them on the island,

and they put the first three episodes out,

and no-one watched them at all, so they cancelled the show,

but they did think it would make a good documentary

at the end of the year, so we'll leave them there...

So they've been there for the whole year,

they think they've been on TV all year,

and they're about to get a nasty surprise.

So, Tomasz Schafernaker, I think he recently said something,

as is indicated by the hand over his mouth,

he said something on air that he shouldn't have done.

Maybe he didn't know he was on air.

The people from Eden, they think they're on television,

but they're not. So that seems to be the sort of thread going forward...

Patrick, is that the right kind of area?

Yes, you're in the right area.

Sisyphus, of course, famously always thought he was on television,

and wasn't.

And everyone was like, "Dude, it hasn't even been invented yet".

And he was like, "I've got enough problems with this rock, you know?"

He thought he was appearing on a reality show

called One Man And His Rock.

It's all about whether you think you've been on TV or not.

They're all endlessly doing repetitive tasks for no reason.

So, they have all failed to complete a task,

apart from the participants of reality show Eden,

who successfully lived for an entire year in the wilderness,

only to discover when they emerged,

the show had been axed seven months earlier.

What was the idea behind the show, Eden?

Could people survive without appearing on TV?

It was a social experiment

to find out what happened when a group of people were cut off

from civilisation and made to live in Scotland for a year.

But also, they came out, and they didn't know about Brexit,

they didn't know about Donald Trump, all that stuff...

-Sounds like paradise, doesn't it?

-Yes!

Are there any vacancies?

In the US version of Wheel of Fortune,

Kevin Haas failed to complete the title

of Tennessee Williams' play, A Streetcar Named Desire.

Let's see how many letters were still missing from the title.

Oh.

-Oh, no!

-Oh!

Just the one.

He went for K, I think.

He did go for K, yes!

A Streetcar Naked Desire...

Look at the exhaust on that!

Well, Tomasz Schafernaker, BBC weatherman,

failed to complete Radio 4's early morning shipping forecast

after what he described as...

-Oh.

-And what others described as...

Oh!

Tomasz Schafernaker threw up

while announcing the shipping forecast on Radio 4.

Let's have a listen.

...murchan Point, southerly or south...

easterly four or five...

GULPING

..increasing six at times, fair, good.

Ardnamurchan Point to Cape Wrath,

southerly or southerly four or five...

Excuse me...

I do apologise.

Tomasz Schafernaker there, feeling rough, very rough.

Humber rising rapidly, gale force, imminent, good.

He also gave a gale warning,

but Gail moved too slowly and got it all...

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features as its guest publication,

the Journal of the National Hamster Council.

Wow.

When you've finished with it, just put it in a shoebox

and bury it in the bottom of the garden.

We start with...

Demands Tesco reimburse her

after exploding apple crumble renders her sterile.

-You are so close to the truth.

-Oh, really?!

In fact...

she demanded that Tesco...

After the prune juice exploded violently in her kitchen,

the gran has heard nothing from Tesco,

but she's had one keen inquiry

from the North Korean Missile Development Agency.

Next, what...

Loch Ness Monster.

-RICHARD:

-Hope.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It WAS the Loch Ness Monster. If you believe this story,

you really should take a long, hard look in the Mirror,

as they're the only paper that bothered to cover it.

Next...

-CAMILLA:

-The Labour Party.

A lasting, caring relationship.

The Dutch breeder failed to create...

A Russian what?

It must be a hamster, mustn't it?

Oh, yes, it is, a Russian dwarf hamster.

-RICHARD:

-Russian or Syrian hamsters.

-Are they really?

-They are.

You can tell if you've got a Russian one

because it annexes the rabbit hutch next door.

APPLAUSE

Next...

-Take one French hamster...

-French?!

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid the French one's been eaten by the Russian one.

Which one would you prefer?

-We'll go for fresh, shall we, fresh?

-OK.

Recipe...

Take one fresh hamster, team it up with another fresh hamster,

and you've got yourself a hamster rap duo.

Yeah.

Recipe, take one fresh hamster, add a lifetime of care.

That's nice.

But for hamsters, that might be three weeks.

Next...

Zombies, flashers and hamsters... what?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Should have gone to Specsavers!

Zombies, flashers and hipsters... what?

-CAMILLA:

-Unite for an amazing... For a dance-off.

The Liberal Democrats have a home for you.

And finally...

-RICHARD:

-Is it voted worst boyband ever?

-Yes.

They've been discovered in a tomb.

The dirty devils, what have they been doing?

Well, a tomb is rather a classy way of describing it.

They were found buried in a basement.

-CAMILLA:

-When were they from, like, the '80s or something?

-I think they'd been put in there...

-The '80s?!

Yeah, do you remember all those archbishops in the '80s?

There were loads of them - we had one a year!

Wasn't there a competition in the Daily Telegraph -

solve our crossword and become the Archbishop of Canterbury for a year?

I entered it every week!

And the final scores...

Ah, at last!

We are there!

Three to Ian and Camilla.

Four to Paul and Richard.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on which note,

we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Camilla Long,

Paul Merton and Richard Osman,

and I leave you with news that in the Vatican,

after giving up on his attempts at achieving world peace,

the Pope admits he now has too much spare time on his hands.

At Michigan Airport, as the plane climbs above the central tower,

United Airlines staff realise

they've overbooked the flight by one.

And as he takes a picture of the common butterfly,

there's evidence that the Wildlife Photographer of the Year

may be losing his touch.

And on that, goodnight, and thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE