Episode 2 Have I Got News for You


Episode 2

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.

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In the news this week,

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unseen footage from the first series of Top Gear

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shows how Chris Evans found out he was no longer required.

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LAUGHTER

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After a dinner to celebrate her personally endorsing his campaign,

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Mary Berry and David Davis make their way home from the restaurant.

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LAUGHTER

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And the producers of the movie Fast & Furious 9

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deny that budget cuts have taken

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some of the thrill out of the action sequences.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

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who has OCD and supports Leeds United,

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which must be infuriating for him,

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as every time he looks at the table they're just in the wrong place.

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Please welcome Jon Richardson.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight is the political editor of ITV News,

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who last year grew a moustache to conceal his injuries

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after falling off his bicycle,

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both of which were horrific handlebar disasters.

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Please welcome Robert Peston.

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APPLAUSE

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Ian, I believe you won... you won an award today,

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you've been given an award, haven't you?

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By... Is it the Beano or somebody?

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What did you do, send off enough coupons? What did you get?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Was that your acceptance speech?

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And so we start, then, with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Jon, take a look at this.

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Big headed, not at all.

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Thomas, oh, that's the Nationalised Tank Engine.

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-JON:

-She's good at that, isn't she?

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-Oh, no.

-Yeah. Are you? I haven't got a problem with it,

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but I'll just back up over here.

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-It's the general election, isn't it?

-It is.

-And it's neck and neck.

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What did Jeremy Corbyn promise us this week?

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He said he'd be Prime Minister, for a start. Which is good.

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Well, we want to know he wants it.

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Um...

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And he said there'd be more spending, and, um...

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More bank holidays!

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-Yeah.

-Yes! That was the sort of...

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Hooray!

-Hooray?

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Do you not want to work, sir?

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You want to idle in bed?

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Watching Midsomer Murders repeats.

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Oh, that's a late lay-in, that.

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He promised four days off on the UK's patron saints' day.

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What was his response...? There were critics who said it would

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cost the country a lot in lost productivity,

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and what was his riposte to that?

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"I'm not going to get in anyway, so it don't matter."

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He said that more people were going to spend more money on holiday,

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which would help to make up for the deficit.

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And then somebody said in response to that,

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"Then why don't we have all year off?"

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All politicians this week did their sort of customary

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little speeches with the compulsory backdrop of supporters.

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There's Theresa May.

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There's Tim Farron.

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And here is Jeremy Corbyn,

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well, he's doing it all wrong.

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Our future Prime Minister!

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CHEERING

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APPLAUSE

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It's almost unfair, isn't it?

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Well, he was naively thinking that supporters

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were there to be spoken to. What a fool.

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What did Boris call Jeremy this week?

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-Oh, something mutton-headed.

-Mugwump.

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Mutton-headed mugwump.

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-Mugwump.

-Is that right?

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That's... What a team, yes, that is indeed right.

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What's really odd about it is it's quite a good thing being a mugwump.

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A mugwump is an independent-minded person who's not

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desperately attached to a political party.

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It's not a bad thing to be!

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And I thought they'd locked Boris up in a cupboard.

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I thought it was official Tory policy that he just stayed inside the cupboard.

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They let him out to say that we're just going to bomb Syria whenever President Trump wants us to.

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So he's not doing any harm at all!

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Do we know what mugwump really means, though?

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I told you what it meant!

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-Are you doubting the political editor of ITV?

-I think he is!

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He is! He wins an award and he thinks he's Lord Rothermere.

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APPLAUSE

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Extraordinary turnabout!

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-Sorry, that was a very insulting thing to say!

-If I thought I

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was Lord Rothermere I'd get on a plane to France and avoid some tax.

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-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Boo!

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Is that a boo of support for the Daily Mail's proprietor?

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Bloody hell.

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And so, what makes Jeremy happy?

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Oh. I don't think I've seen him laugh.

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Take a look at this.

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Good comedy.

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Good jokes. Um...

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What makes me laugh is children being happy.

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-Oh...

-We can add one of the saints' days, St Jeremy's Day.

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And what did Jeremy, this week, refuse to say?

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He wasn't going to go on the debates, is that it? He said that

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if Theresa May's not going to do the debates,

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then rather than accept the open goal...

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-ROBERT:

-Totally right.

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-JON:

-..to put his policies across without being interrupted, he's not going to do them, either.

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I was thinking of a slightly bigger issue than that.

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Could there be a bigger issue?

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A sad child?

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APPLAUSE

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Is this Trident?

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Yes, he said he would refuse to press the big red button.

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He's not going to press the red button, and I quite like that.

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APPLAUSE

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Who would press the big red button? If you were in that position, do you think you'd take the decision?

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I think it should be like the National Lottery,

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you should get a chance to, your chance to get

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the red button for a day, see what people do with it.

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Corbyn got a barrage of flak from, predictably, the right-wing press,

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for "undermining the UK's nuclear deterrent".

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Although when Labour's defence spokeswoman,

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Nia Griffiths, said then...

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..the Sun called her "trigger-happy".

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Can you be trigger-happy with a button?

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You can be button-happy, but it doesn't really make much sense, does it?

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-You get the gist, I guess.

-I do get the gist, indeed.

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On the subject of refusing to answer,

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let's talk about gay sex. Why not?

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Bit early for me, but OK, here we go!

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APPLAUSE

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I know it's what you want.

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-Robert, you really nailed Tim Farron at the weekend.

-Beg your pardon?

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APPLAUSE

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Well, we certainly talked a lot about gay sex,

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that's certainly true.

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And on the programme?

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And on the programme!

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Will you apply the same criteria to all candidates?

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Are you going to ask them all about people's sex lives

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and whether they agree with gay sex and gay marriage?

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Obviously, I'm going to have to.

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A straight answer.

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GROANS

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No, no, no, it's remarks like that that won Ian an award this week!

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APPLAUSE

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Maybe Tim Farron could have adopted the more nuanced approach

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of a would-be UKIP councillor in Glasgow,

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Gisella Allen. She told the Sunday Herald newspaper...

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LAUGHTER

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I'm quoting her!

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-Oh, yes. I wasn't confused, I was just...

-OK.

-Shocked!

-Shocked!

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Gisella is 84, she has a wide range of views.

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She's anti-plastic bags, but very pro-horses.

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Difficult to get your shopping in, though.

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-Shove it up...

-Stop it!

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She also has a thought that would surely resonate with us all.

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Speaking of the guillotine, probably the way things are going in France,

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Ian, we might be seeing the return of that.

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Um, yes, the far-right party came second.

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But unlike in America, that doesn't mean they won.

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APPLAUSE

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They might do yet. So, the...the establishment has been defeated.

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Do you think the idea that Macron is not the establishment is ludicrous?

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-A lot of people say that he's the establishment.

-Yes.

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-Well, he was a cabinet minister, wasn't he, in the last government?

-ROBERT:

-And a banker.

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-And a banker.

-For Rothschild.

-Yeah.

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-And he's...

-So he's not the establishment.

-No.

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-OK.

-Not any more.

-OK, he's the establishment,

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but Le Pen, Marine, is she the establishment?

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I mean, she's the daughter of

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a former presidential far-right candidate.

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-She's the daughter of a racist, anti-Semitic far-right candidate, yeah.

-Good.

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APPLAUSE

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Can I just ask, are we allowed...?

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You're pronouncing these words very French.

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Are we allowed to do that now we're coming out of the EU?

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Are there no questions about the Conservatives at all?

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-They're coming!

-Is that the new BBC policy?

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APPLAUSE

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I mean, I don't want to question the superior wisdom of the BBC,

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particularly not with Robert here.

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Well done. Thank you.

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-Ian, that award has changed you.

-Yeah.

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-OK. The Tories are coming.

-Oh, God, I hope not.

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Enough of them in already.

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Do you want some more water with that?

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APPLAUSE

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Now, Theresa May outlined an unusual plan to keep immigration down this week.

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What was that?

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By letting in a lot more people.

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Let's take a little look, shall we?

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We want to lead the world in preventing tourism.

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The Tories have announced one policy that we've heard before. What was that?

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-Is that capping electricity?

-Yeah, it is, a cap on fuel prices.

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Yeah, that was a very bad idea when Ed Miliband announced it.

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-Yeah.

-But now they've announced the same thing, it's a really good idea.

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In the old days it was interfering in the market, but now it's... It's interfering in the market.

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But it's a very good idea, because the Tories are doing it.

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Do you see the difference?

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If Labour do it, it's very, very bad.

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If the Conservative Party do it, it's intervening in a good sense

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to provide a stable, strong, strong and stable...

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-LAUGHTER

-..stable.

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APPLAUSE

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She's a Christian, but she doesn't get asked about her views on gay sex, does she?

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Will she? Will she?

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She will be.

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Up against a strong, stable table.

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APPLAUSE

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But she won't come on your show, will she?

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She won't do any television.

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-She is coming on the show.

-Oh, she is coming on your show?

-On Sunday.

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-Oh, brilliant!

-So there we are.

-Do watch, it's on ITV.

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I wonder if this bit will stay in BBC's Have I Got News For You.

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Now, of course, the polls are showing Theresa May has the highest approval rating

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of any Prime Minister for over 40 years.

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That includes Thatcher.

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Let's take a look at what one fan in Bolton thinks of her.

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She could come out in a bin bag, for me,

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and I think she would still be strong.

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I don't want her to come out in a body bag, just a bin bag!

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Yes, it is week two of the election campaign.

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Following a controversial interview with Robert Peston,

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Lib Dem leader and committed Christian Tim Farron

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clarified his position, saying...

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Which let Nick Clegg off the hook for buggering the Lib Dems for five years.

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APPLAUSE

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So, Paul and Robert, let's take a look at this.

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Oh, yes, this is how to throw a dinner party in the 1950s...

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Oh, humus, yes, there's a humus shortage.

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That's a man, unbelievably, "No humus, no humus!"

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Yes, there's been a huge drought of humus,

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it's run out. The man that produces it, Hugh Muss, has said that, uh...

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It's got a metallic taste to it now and the supermarkets have taken it

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off their shelves, there's a great humus debate. It's gone missing.

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For those of us in the liberal metropolitan elite,

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this is more of a disaster even than Brexit.

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APPLAUSE

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I hope there's still taramasalata. Is there?

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What about quinoa? What would we do?

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-What was that last one? Quinoa.

-Quinoa.

-Quinoa.

-Oh, what's that?

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It's a terrorist group.

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Very like Humus.

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Yeah, you're quite right. Why have Sainsbury's,

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Tesco's and Marks and Sparks withdrawn humus from their shelves?

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-People have complained it's tasted funny. Metallic taste to it.

-And fizzy.

-And fizzy.

-Fizzy?

-Yes, fizzy.

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This wasn't the most shocking food news we've had this week.

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What else have shoppers reacted to in amazement?

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Oh, Blue Riband, not going to be made. Is that the one?

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Jobs going at Blue Riband? No.

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-Well, they're moving. The jobs are moving.

-Moving.

-Yeah.

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-Nestle has said...

-To a different country, I think.

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Yeah, they're going to move 300 biscuit-making jobs

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from Britain to Poland.

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That's going to be hard to get home at night.

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And social media was set alight by people baffled and upset

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-that a biscuit they'd always thought was called Blue Ribbon...

-Yeah.

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Is it "..nd"? It's the D on the end, isn't it?

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Yeah, it's called Blue Riband.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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Why did people think it was called Blue Ribbon?

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-I have no idea, because it's been called that since 1936.

-It has!

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Consumers were so deeply traumatised...

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PAUL LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

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-You saw people crying in the streets.

-Yeah.

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-They went online to vent their horror.

-Oh, dear.

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Yeah, of course they did. Becca wrote...

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And Terry agreed, with...

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-OK, I'm going to do a little experiment with you now...

-Yes.

-..which I know you'll love.

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Have you got some?

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No, we've not got an endless budget, Ian.

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But only 99p for a packet of eight, I noticed on that still earlier,

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and at 99 calories a treat, that's fun for all the family.

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Are they paying you?

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Let's hope so, after this goes out.

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So what I'd like you to do in this little experiment

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is write down the name

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as it appears on the label of a Kit Kat.

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LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS

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No conf... Da-da-da-da!

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-No conferring?

-No conferring.

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It's like the Tory cabinet.

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Make it up yourself.

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OK, I've written Kit Kat, because I'm presuming that's how it's written on the label.

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Right, Robert, let's see yours.

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-Just says Kit Kat, really.

-Yeah, it's a circle with Kit Kat on it.

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-Right.

-I put a hyphen in it.

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-Yeah.

-Oh, could be a hyphen, yeah.

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I've got Peston On Politics, this Sunday at nine,

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featuring Theresa May.

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Aww, I love you!

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APPLAUSE

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Actually, that's sabotage, it's ten.

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Ah!

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It hasn't got a hyphen, that's what I was going to say.

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Oh! We were right. No hyphens over here.

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Amazing.

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233 calories, though, you're better off with two Blue Riband.

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APPLAUSE

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Robert, do you think the move by Nestle of the jobs to Poland,

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do you think it's related to Brexit?

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They say it isn't, which almost certainly means it is.

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Because what companies say when they move jobs is,

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"It's got nothing to do with Brexit."

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Robert, you answered that so rapidly and concisely, and thank you for that.

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You didn't do what you did when Bill Turnbull asked you a question

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about the Greek economy. Let's have a look.

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At what point do you say, you know, to all intents and purposes,

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the Greek economy is failing to function?

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Aren't those the surface things that have to work?

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HE SIGHS

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-In other food-related news...

-Yes.

-..do you say "scon" or do you say s-cone?

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I thought it was s-cone.

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I thought it was "scon".

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I mean, who cares, really, but...

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The Scone Society of Great Britain!

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Cambridge University have done the Great Scone Map.

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Apparently, the further south you live,

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the more likely you are to say s-cone than "scon".

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The Mail Online lamented the "fading away of regional dialect words".

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Probably for the best.

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A scone in the autumn does sound better than a muffin in the backend.

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APPLAUSE

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It's time now for the Odd One Out round.

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The tiger mascot for the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia,

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Archimedes,

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Millicent Fawcett

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and Cristiano Ronaldo.

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Ronaldo recently had a statue made of him, didn't he?

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So it's him sort of looking funny or amused, I think.

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-So it's about statues, I think.

-It is.

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The mascot, I don't know anything about that, but I imagine it's a pretty grim mascot.

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I think the statue was regarded as laughable,

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and presumably there'll be a... I know there isn't yet a statue of

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Fawcett, the rather impressive woman on the left who was a suffragette in the 19th century,

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-but Theresa May has promised that there will be...

-Ah!

-..a statue of her in Parliament Square.

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There is a statue of Archimedes.

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There must be one somewhere, presumably.

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-But someone objected to it.

-Oh, really?

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So they're all statues people have objected to,

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apart from Fawcett, who's going to get a statue.

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She must be the odd one out.

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They're all subjects of controversial statues,

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apart from, as you said, Millicent Fawcett,

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whose planned statue is being welcomed

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as it will be the first female statue in Parliament Square.

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One male Telegraph journalist

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reporting on the statue wrote that...

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And so Portugal, as you say, decided to honour Cristiano Ronaldo by

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renaming Madeira Airport after him

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and unveiling this bronze bust at one of its terminals.

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Here is the world-famous footballer Ronaldo.

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And here's the statue.

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How did the sculptor, Emanuel Santos, take criticism of his work?

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It's a side of Cristiano that we don't normally see.

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-Something like that.

-He claimed that Ronaldo,

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Ronaldo's brother and Ronaldo's mum loved the work, adding...

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When the bust was unveiled, why was Batman at the airport?

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Did he just come back from his holidays?

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Apparently, genuinely, nobody had any idea.

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And so a statue of the majestic, fearsome Sumatran tiger

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mascot of the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia

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went viral this week. Here it is.

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"What does he want from us?"

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Those mad, staring eyes, that gaping, mad mouth.

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According to a spokesman for the Siliwangi Military Command,

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why did the statue end up looking

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so unlike the ferocious beast it was supposed to resemble?

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Um, they couldn't get the head they wanted.

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The spokesman said it was because the artist...

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APPLAUSE

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The poor little statue's now been destroyed,

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but how did some people honour the statue

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before its demise?

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Well, they took, of course,

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to editing it into famous pictures online.

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-Yes.

-One person put the tiger in Jungle Book.

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One in the TV series Lost.

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And another made him star in the film Life Of Pi.

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APPLAUSE

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A nude statue of Archimedes is said to be distracting drivers on a road in Basingstoke.

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Who in particular has complained about the statue?

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Is it a local councillor?

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No, several locals, including a guy called Steve Gould

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who wrote a letter to the council

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claiming that the statue was...

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According to the Daily Telegraph, Christian De Ferranti,

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the wife of the statue's owner,

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said the offending object had been blown out of all proportion.

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So, let's settle this once and for all and take a little look.

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Do you find this distracting?

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-No, not really.

-I didn't even know he was from Basingstoke.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So they are all the subject of a controversial statue,

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apart from Millicent Fawcett,

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whose planned statue is being welcomed

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as it will be the first female statue in Parliament Square.

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At the moment, the most popular statues in Parliament Square are,

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one, Winston Churchill, two, Abraham Lincoln, and

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# Three! Nelson Mandela! #

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The offending naked statue of Archimedes is outside the owner's house.

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I'm told it's a large, impressive semi, but don't know much about the house.

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It's all smut with you, Kirsty, isn't it?

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I've got to get it out somehow, Ian.

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So it's time now for the Missing Words round,

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and we start with...

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Waffles on and on and on...

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The answer is...

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This week, Avik Caron was sentenced to five years in jail after

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pleading guilty to stealing over 3,000 tonnes of syrup

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-valued at 18 million.

-Wow.

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One Canadian journalist said the theft was...

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Particularly bad news, the Quebec Maple Syrup Company.

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Yeah, well, it's about time somebody stuck it to those bastards, isn't it?

0:24:340:24:38

So, Paul...

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Next.

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Laughing loudly behind old women in building societies.

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I was very good at that when I was 19, but, no,

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"It's not a sport." Oh, well.

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One rule for the rich.

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-Is it bribery?

-No!

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That's not an ALTERNATIVE Olympic sport.

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-Oh, sorry.

-That is a mainstream.

-Core.

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No, the answer is...

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This week, UK Sport made a series of cuts to their Olympic budget.

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Some people submitted cheaper alternative sports,

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including the sport of rolling tyres down a ski jump.

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Shall we have a clip to see what it looks like?

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I think we should have a look if it's there.

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That was brilliant!

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APPLAUSE

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The object is to see who can get the tyre to jump the furthest.

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One man once got 45 metres, and that must have been a Goodyear.

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GROANS

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And, lastly.

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Invade Gibraltar.

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They will. You just can't trust 'em.

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-They're threatening to come to Britain.

-Robert, you're quite right.

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Experts have warned that

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an amorous Spanish slug is currently invading Britain,

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mating with native species and creating super-slugs

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which are threatening to ruin gardens and crops this summer.

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One scientist claimed it was

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the biggest threat to British slugs since...

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Although the Durham slug is actually just a northern snail

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that refuses to wear a shell, even in winter.

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APPLAUSE

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So, the final scores are

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Ian and Jon have seven,

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Paul and Robert have nine.

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APPLAUSE

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Well done, mate, well done.

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On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

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Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson, Paul Merton and Robert Peston,

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and I leave you with news that with the election campaign meaning an early start every morning,

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Jacob Rees-Mogg gets a new alarm clock.

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In Val d'Isere, one skier makes sure he has safely

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tucked his Samsung Galaxy Note 7 into his back pocket.

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And in a Washington recording studio,

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the first take is laid down for the powerful rock ballad

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It's Gonna Be So Great.

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Goodnight.

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APPLAUSE

0:27:440:27:47

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