Episode 2 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Kirsty Young.

In the news this week,

unseen footage from the first series of Top Gear

shows how Chris Evans found out he was no longer required.

LAUGHTER

After a dinner to celebrate her personally endorsing his campaign,

Mary Berry and David Davis make their way home from the restaurant.

LAUGHTER

And the producers of the movie Fast & Furious 9

deny that budget cuts have taken

some of the thrill out of the action sequences.

LAUGHTER

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On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

who has OCD and supports Leeds United,

which must be infuriating for him,

as every time he looks at the table they're just in the wrong place.

Please welcome Jon Richardson.

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And with Paul tonight is the political editor of ITV News,

who last year grew a moustache to conceal his injuries

after falling off his bicycle,

both of which were horrific handlebar disasters.

Please welcome Robert Peston.

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Ian, I believe you won... you won an award today,

you've been given an award, haven't you?

By... Is it the Beano or somebody?

What did you do, send off enough coupons? What did you get?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was that your acceptance speech?

And so we start, then, with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Jon, take a look at this.

Big headed, not at all.

Thomas, oh, that's the Nationalised Tank Engine.

-JON:

-She's good at that, isn't she?

-Oh, no.

-Yeah. Are you? I haven't got a problem with it,

but I'll just back up over here.

-It's the general election, isn't it?

-It is.

-And it's neck and neck.

What did Jeremy Corbyn promise us this week?

He said he'd be Prime Minister, for a start. Which is good.

Well, we want to know he wants it.

Um...

And he said there'd be more spending, and, um...

More bank holidays!

-Yeah.

-Yes! That was the sort of...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Hooray!

-Hooray?

Do you not want to work, sir?

You want to idle in bed?

Watching Midsomer Murders repeats.

Oh, that's a late lay-in, that.

He promised four days off on the UK's patron saints' day.

What was his response...? There were critics who said it would

cost the country a lot in lost productivity,

and what was his riposte to that?

"I'm not going to get in anyway, so it don't matter."

He said that more people were going to spend more money on holiday,

which would help to make up for the deficit.

And then somebody said in response to that,

"Then why don't we have all year off?"

All politicians this week did their sort of customary

little speeches with the compulsory backdrop of supporters.

There's Theresa May.

There's Tim Farron.

And here is Jeremy Corbyn,

well, he's doing it all wrong.

Our future Prime Minister!

CHEERING

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It's almost unfair, isn't it?

Well, he was naively thinking that supporters

were there to be spoken to. What a fool.

What did Boris call Jeremy this week?

-Oh, something mutton-headed.

-Mugwump.

Mutton-headed mugwump.

-Mugwump.

-Is that right?

That's... What a team, yes, that is indeed right.

What's really odd about it is it's quite a good thing being a mugwump.

A mugwump is an independent-minded person who's not

desperately attached to a political party.

It's not a bad thing to be!

And I thought they'd locked Boris up in a cupboard.

I thought it was official Tory policy that he just stayed inside the cupboard.

They let him out to say that we're just going to bomb Syria whenever President Trump wants us to.

So he's not doing any harm at all!

Do we know what mugwump really means, though?

I told you what it meant!

-Are you doubting the political editor of ITV?

-I think he is!

He is! He wins an award and he thinks he's Lord Rothermere.

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Extraordinary turnabout!

-Sorry, that was a very insulting thing to say!

-If I thought I

was Lord Rothermere I'd get on a plane to France and avoid some tax.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Boo!

Is that a boo of support for the Daily Mail's proprietor?

Bloody hell.

And so, what makes Jeremy happy?

Oh. I don't think I've seen him laugh.

Take a look at this.

Good comedy.

Good jokes. Um...

What makes me laugh is children being happy.

-Oh...

-We can add one of the saints' days, St Jeremy's Day.

And what did Jeremy, this week, refuse to say?

He wasn't going to go on the debates, is that it? He said that

if Theresa May's not going to do the debates,

then rather than accept the open goal...

-ROBERT:

-Totally right.

-JON:

-..to put his policies across without being interrupted, he's not going to do them, either.

I was thinking of a slightly bigger issue than that.

Could there be a bigger issue?

A sad child?

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Is this Trident?

Yes, he said he would refuse to press the big red button.

He's not going to press the red button, and I quite like that.

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Who would press the big red button? If you were in that position, do you think you'd take the decision?

I think it should be like the National Lottery,

you should get a chance to, your chance to get

the red button for a day, see what people do with it.

Corbyn got a barrage of flak from, predictably, the right-wing press,

for "undermining the UK's nuclear deterrent".

Although when Labour's defence spokeswoman,

Nia Griffiths, said then...

..the Sun called her "trigger-happy".

Can you be trigger-happy with a button?

You can be button-happy, but it doesn't really make much sense, does it?

-You get the gist, I guess.

-I do get the gist, indeed.

On the subject of refusing to answer,

let's talk about gay sex. Why not?

Bit early for me, but OK, here we go!

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I know it's what you want.

-Robert, you really nailed Tim Farron at the weekend.

-Beg your pardon?

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Well, we certainly talked a lot about gay sex,

that's certainly true.

And on the programme?

And on the programme!

Will you apply the same criteria to all candidates?

Are you going to ask them all about people's sex lives

and whether they agree with gay sex and gay marriage?

Obviously, I'm going to have to.

A straight answer.

GROANS

No, no, no, it's remarks like that that won Ian an award this week!

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Maybe Tim Farron could have adopted the more nuanced approach

of a would-be UKIP councillor in Glasgow,

Gisella Allen. She told the Sunday Herald newspaper...

LAUGHTER

I'm quoting her!

-Oh, yes. I wasn't confused, I was just...

-OK.

-Shocked!

-Shocked!

Gisella is 84, she has a wide range of views.

She's anti-plastic bags, but very pro-horses.

Difficult to get your shopping in, though.

-Shove it up...

-Stop it!

She also has a thought that would surely resonate with us all.

Speaking of the guillotine, probably the way things are going in France,

Ian, we might be seeing the return of that.

Um, yes, the far-right party came second.

But unlike in America, that doesn't mean they won.

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They might do yet. So, the...the establishment has been defeated.

Do you think the idea that Macron is not the establishment is ludicrous?

-A lot of people say that he's the establishment.

-Yes.

-Well, he was a cabinet minister, wasn't he, in the last government?

-ROBERT:

-And a banker.

-And a banker.

-For Rothschild.

-Yeah.

-And he's...

-So he's not the establishment.

-No.

-OK.

-Not any more.

-OK, he's the establishment,

but Le Pen, Marine, is she the establishment?

I mean, she's the daughter of

a former presidential far-right candidate.

-She's the daughter of a racist, anti-Semitic far-right candidate, yeah.

-Good.

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Can I just ask, are we allowed...?

You're pronouncing these words very French.

Are we allowed to do that now we're coming out of the EU?

Are there no questions about the Conservatives at all?

-They're coming!

-Is that the new BBC policy?

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I mean, I don't want to question the superior wisdom of the BBC,

particularly not with Robert here.

Well done. Thank you.

-Ian, that award has changed you.

-Yeah.

-OK. The Tories are coming.

-Oh, God, I hope not.

Enough of them in already.

Do you want some more water with that?

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Now, Theresa May outlined an unusual plan to keep immigration down this week.

What was that?

By letting in a lot more people.

Let's take a little look, shall we?

We want to lead the world in preventing tourism.

The Tories have announced one policy that we've heard before. What was that?

-Is that capping electricity?

-Yeah, it is, a cap on fuel prices.

Yeah, that was a very bad idea when Ed Miliband announced it.

-Yeah.

-But now they've announced the same thing, it's a really good idea.

In the old days it was interfering in the market, but now it's... It's interfering in the market.

But it's a very good idea, because the Tories are doing it.

Do you see the difference?

If Labour do it, it's very, very bad.

If the Conservative Party do it, it's intervening in a good sense

to provide a stable, strong, strong and stable...

-LAUGHTER

-..stable.

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She's a Christian, but she doesn't get asked about her views on gay sex, does she?

Will she? Will she?

She will be.

Up against a strong, stable table.

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But she won't come on your show, will she?

She won't do any television.

-She is coming on the show.

-Oh, she is coming on your show?

-On Sunday.

-Oh, brilliant!

-So there we are.

-Do watch, it's on ITV.

I wonder if this bit will stay in BBC's Have I Got News For You.

Now, of course, the polls are showing Theresa May has the highest approval rating

of any Prime Minister for over 40 years.

That includes Thatcher.

Let's take a look at what one fan in Bolton thinks of her.

She could come out in a bin bag, for me,

and I think she would still be strong.

I don't want her to come out in a body bag, just a bin bag!

Yes, it is week two of the election campaign.

Following a controversial interview with Robert Peston,

Lib Dem leader and committed Christian Tim Farron

clarified his position, saying...

Which let Nick Clegg off the hook for buggering the Lib Dems for five years.

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So, Paul and Robert, let's take a look at this.

Oh, yes, this is how to throw a dinner party in the 1950s...

Oh, humus, yes, there's a humus shortage.

That's a man, unbelievably, "No humus, no humus!"

Yes, there's been a huge drought of humus,

it's run out. The man that produces it, Hugh Muss, has said that, uh...

It's got a metallic taste to it now and the supermarkets have taken it

off their shelves, there's a great humus debate. It's gone missing.

For those of us in the liberal metropolitan elite,

this is more of a disaster even than Brexit.

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I hope there's still taramasalata. Is there?

What about quinoa? What would we do?

-What was that last one? Quinoa.

-Quinoa.

-Quinoa.

-Oh, what's that?

It's a terrorist group.

Very like Humus.

Yeah, you're quite right. Why have Sainsbury's,

Tesco's and Marks and Sparks withdrawn humus from their shelves?

-People have complained it's tasted funny. Metallic taste to it.

-And fizzy.

-And fizzy.

-Fizzy?

-Yes, fizzy.

This wasn't the most shocking food news we've had this week.

What else have shoppers reacted to in amazement?

Oh, Blue Riband, not going to be made. Is that the one?

Jobs going at Blue Riband? No.

-Well, they're moving. The jobs are moving.

-Moving.

-Yeah.

-Nestle has said...

-To a different country, I think.

Yeah, they're going to move 300 biscuit-making jobs

from Britain to Poland.

That's going to be hard to get home at night.

And social media was set alight by people baffled and upset

-that a biscuit they'd always thought was called Blue Ribbon...

-Yeah.

Is it "..nd"? It's the D on the end, isn't it?

Yeah, it's called Blue Riband.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Why did people think it was called Blue Ribbon?

-I have no idea, because it's been called that since 1936.

-It has!

Consumers were so deeply traumatised...

PAUL LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

-You saw people crying in the streets.

-Yeah.

-They went online to vent their horror.

-Oh, dear.

Yeah, of course they did. Becca wrote...

And Terry agreed, with...

-OK, I'm going to do a little experiment with you now...

-Yes.

-..which I know you'll love.

Have you got some?

No, we've not got an endless budget, Ian.

But only 99p for a packet of eight, I noticed on that still earlier,

and at 99 calories a treat, that's fun for all the family.

Are they paying you?

Let's hope so, after this goes out.

So what I'd like you to do in this little experiment

is write down the name

as it appears on the label of a Kit Kat.

LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS

No conf... Da-da-da-da!

-No conferring?

-No conferring.

It's like the Tory cabinet.

Make it up yourself.

OK, I've written Kit Kat, because I'm presuming that's how it's written on the label.

Right, Robert, let's see yours.

-Just says Kit Kat, really.

-Yeah, it's a circle with Kit Kat on it.

-Right.

-I put a hyphen in it.

-Yeah.

-Oh, could be a hyphen, yeah.

I've got Peston On Politics, this Sunday at nine,

featuring Theresa May.

Aww, I love you!

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Actually, that's sabotage, it's ten.

Ah!

It hasn't got a hyphen, that's what I was going to say.

Oh! We were right. No hyphens over here.

Amazing.

233 calories, though, you're better off with two Blue Riband.

APPLAUSE

Robert, do you think the move by Nestle of the jobs to Poland,

do you think it's related to Brexit?

They say it isn't, which almost certainly means it is.

Because what companies say when they move jobs is,

"It's got nothing to do with Brexit."

Robert, you answered that so rapidly and concisely, and thank you for that.

You didn't do what you did when Bill Turnbull asked you a question

about the Greek economy. Let's have a look.

At what point do you say, you know, to all intents and purposes,

the Greek economy is failing to function?

Aren't those the surface things that have to work?

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-In other food-related news...

-Yes.

-..do you say "scon" or do you say s-cone?

I thought it was s-cone.

I thought it was "scon".

I mean, who cares, really, but...

The Scone Society of Great Britain!

Cambridge University have done the Great Scone Map.

Apparently, the further south you live,

the more likely you are to say s-cone than "scon".

The Mail Online lamented the "fading away of regional dialect words".

Probably for the best.

A scone in the autumn does sound better than a muffin in the backend.

APPLAUSE

It's time now for the Odd One Out round.

The tiger mascot for the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia,

Archimedes,

Millicent Fawcett

and Cristiano Ronaldo.

Ronaldo recently had a statue made of him, didn't he?

So it's him sort of looking funny or amused, I think.

-So it's about statues, I think.

-It is.

The mascot, I don't know anything about that, but I imagine it's a pretty grim mascot.

I think the statue was regarded as laughable,

and presumably there'll be a... I know there isn't yet a statue of

Fawcett, the rather impressive woman on the left who was a suffragette in the 19th century,

-but Theresa May has promised that there will be...

-Ah!

-..a statue of her in Parliament Square.

There is a statue of Archimedes.

There must be one somewhere, presumably.

-But someone objected to it.

-Oh, really?

So they're all statues people have objected to,

apart from Fawcett, who's going to get a statue.

She must be the odd one out.

They're all subjects of controversial statues,

apart from, as you said, Millicent Fawcett,

whose planned statue is being welcomed

as it will be the first female statue in Parliament Square.

One male Telegraph journalist

reporting on the statue wrote that...

And so Portugal, as you say, decided to honour Cristiano Ronaldo by

renaming Madeira Airport after him

and unveiling this bronze bust at one of its terminals.

Here is the world-famous footballer Ronaldo.

And here's the statue.

How did the sculptor, Emanuel Santos, take criticism of his work?

It's a side of Cristiano that we don't normally see.

-Something like that.

-He claimed that Ronaldo,

Ronaldo's brother and Ronaldo's mum loved the work, adding...

When the bust was unveiled, why was Batman at the airport?

Did he just come back from his holidays?

Apparently, genuinely, nobody had any idea.

And so a statue of the majestic, fearsome Sumatran tiger

mascot of the Siliwangi Military Command in Indonesia

went viral this week. Here it is.

"What does he want from us?"

Those mad, staring eyes, that gaping, mad mouth.

According to a spokesman for the Siliwangi Military Command,

why did the statue end up looking

so unlike the ferocious beast it was supposed to resemble?

Um, they couldn't get the head they wanted.

The spokesman said it was because the artist...

APPLAUSE

The poor little statue's now been destroyed,

but how did some people honour the statue

before its demise?

Well, they took, of course,

to editing it into famous pictures online.

-Yes.

-One person put the tiger in Jungle Book.

One in the TV series Lost.

And another made him star in the film Life Of Pi.

APPLAUSE

A nude statue of Archimedes is said to be distracting drivers on a road in Basingstoke.

Who in particular has complained about the statue?

Is it a local councillor?

No, several locals, including a guy called Steve Gould

who wrote a letter to the council

claiming that the statue was...

According to the Daily Telegraph, Christian De Ferranti,

the wife of the statue's owner,

said the offending object had been blown out of all proportion.

So, let's settle this once and for all and take a little look.

Do you find this distracting?

-No, not really.

-I didn't even know he was from Basingstoke.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So they are all the subject of a controversial statue,

apart from Millicent Fawcett,

whose planned statue is being welcomed

as it will be the first female statue in Parliament Square.

At the moment, the most popular statues in Parliament Square are,

one, Winston Churchill, two, Abraham Lincoln, and

# Three! Nelson Mandela! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The offending naked statue of Archimedes is outside the owner's house.

I'm told it's a large, impressive semi, but don't know much about the house.

It's all smut with you, Kirsty, isn't it?

I've got to get it out somehow, Ian.

So it's time now for the Missing Words round,

and we start with...

Waffles on and on and on...

The answer is...

This week, Avik Caron was sentenced to five years in jail after

pleading guilty to stealing over 3,000 tonnes of syrup

-valued at 18 million.

-Wow.

One Canadian journalist said the theft was...

Particularly bad news, the Quebec Maple Syrup Company.

Yeah, well, it's about time somebody stuck it to those bastards, isn't it?

So, Paul...

Next.

Laughing loudly behind old women in building societies.

I was very good at that when I was 19, but, no,

"It's not a sport." Oh, well.

One rule for the rich.

-Is it bribery?

-No!

That's not an ALTERNATIVE Olympic sport.

-Oh, sorry.

-That is a mainstream.

-Core.

No, the answer is...

This week, UK Sport made a series of cuts to their Olympic budget.

Some people submitted cheaper alternative sports,

including the sport of rolling tyres down a ski jump.

Shall we have a clip to see what it looks like?

I think we should have a look if it's there.

That was brilliant!

APPLAUSE

The object is to see who can get the tyre to jump the furthest.

One man once got 45 metres, and that must have been a Goodyear.

GROANS

And, lastly.

Invade Gibraltar.

They will. You just can't trust 'em.

-They're threatening to come to Britain.

-Robert, you're quite right.

Experts have warned that

an amorous Spanish slug is currently invading Britain,

mating with native species and creating super-slugs

which are threatening to ruin gardens and crops this summer.

One scientist claimed it was

the biggest threat to British slugs since...

Although the Durham slug is actually just a northern snail

that refuses to wear a shell, even in winter.

APPLAUSE

So, the final scores are

Ian and Jon have seven,

Paul and Robert have nine.

APPLAUSE

Well done, mate, well done.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Jon Richardson, Paul Merton and Robert Peston,

and I leave you with news that with the election campaign meaning an early start every morning,

Jacob Rees-Mogg gets a new alarm clock.

In Val d'Isere, one skier makes sure he has safely

tucked his Samsung Galaxy Note 7 into his back pocket.

And in a Washington recording studio,

the first take is laid down for the powerful rock ballad

It's Gonna Be So Great.

Goodnight.

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