Episode 3 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Alexander Armstrong.

In the news this week... After his team of Polish workmen is forced to

leave the UK, Nigel Farage employs a British builder to continue

the renovation of his second home.

LAUGHTER

As his United Airlines' flight takes off without him,

a doctor is further enraged when he sees who he had to give his seat up for.

LAUGHTER

And, after a £400 million dip in his personal fortune,

Sir Philip Green launches a new high-street venture to recoup his losses.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who says one tip for when

a joke falls flat is to pretend it wasn't a joke.

Which brings this straightforward paragraph to an end.

Please welcome Sara Pascoe.

CHEERING

And, with Paul tonight, a comedian whose first novel is about

a national treasure who descends into disgrace and depravity.

Please welcome current national treasure, Andy Hamilton.

CHEERING

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Sara, take a look at this.

-SARA:

-That's a polite way to meet your Tinder date.

This is a themed restaurant.

They've thrown all the food around, so it costs a lot of money.

-And he's seen the bill.

-And he's had a fit.

This is Mrs May's dinner with President Juncker.

It all went horribly wrong.

They argued. It went badly and then he leaked it all to a German newspaper and said

it had been a disastrous meeting, she was in another galaxy.

-SLURRING:

-And he's never liked her anyway.

-Does it mean war?

-Yes. That's what she said, wasn't it?

-Yeah, it's war now.

-Yeah.

-We're moving quickly, aren't we?

-we've declared war against the rest of Europe.

-We're being threatened.

You go into a negotiation in which Mr Juncker's position is,

"This cannot be a success".

He's a difficult piece of work, Mr Juncker.

-You don't like him, do you?

-I don't, really.

I mean, a lot of people tried to stop him becoming president.

Because he'd run Luxembourg,

which is an enormous sort of tax haven and money laundering outfit...

..which he ran for a number of years and did nothing

about it. So he's not a great guy.

What has been Theresa May's comeback been?

She's gone quite nuclear.

-Initially...

-Let's fight everybody.

-Yeah, initially she said,

"Oh, it's just Brussels gossip.

"It's just tittle-tattle, I don't worry about that."

But then she came out and sort of said,

"Let's attack the Death Star..."

-LAUGHTER

-"..from 10 Downing Street."

It's odd because that's a ruse

that is usually used by politicians when the polls are close.

I don't know quite why she's doing it now.

Given that she's so far ahead in the polls at the moment.

I can't envisage any circumstances in which she could lose.

Unless something extraordinary happens.

Like, I don't know, photos emerge of her digging up

the Queen Mother for a laugh or something.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what? Even then she would probably beat Corbyn anyway.

So... We've got five weeks of this.

-Yeah.

-And she's gone in...

How many graves has she robbed in that time?

We must be told.

I'm sure that we're going to get a lot of briefing that says,

"Oh, Theresa May, you know, she was really tough with them,"

there will be lots of leaks of people saying,

"She pushed Barnier against the wall and said, 'You're a big man,

"but you're out of condition.'"

She waved the Queen Mother's hat in our face.

LAUGHTER

"There's plenty more where this comes from."

What was President Hollande's

-reaction to the tough stance by the EU?

-President Hollande?

He said...

Sometimes you need a bit of help, though, don't you?

Who would have thought that saying, "Fuck you," to the rest of Europe

would have such complications?

Mm.

Theresa May used to be known as The Submarine.

Do we know why that was?

What do you mean, "She used to be known as The Submarine"?

That was her nickname.

-Where?

-Was this at school?

-Because you never saw her.

-Stealth.

She was never visible but underneath the surface, she was up to stuff.

In the Thames?

LAUGHTER

What is she doing down there?

She would only surface to make considered public statements.

That's what submarines do.

That is... Yeah.

"I'm drowning," and then back down again.

Theresa May warned her EU adversaries

that they would find out that she was...

Or as the French would say,

a woman.

What, once we have left the EU might we see once again

-on our dinner tables?

-Very little.

It is knobbly vegetables.

-Knobbly ones?

-Knobbly vegetables, like this!

Oh-ho! LAUGHTER

-Can we just see the first one again?

-Yes, the carrot.

That was in that film, Arrival.

Oh, yeah! I thought you were talking about Michael Fassbender.

But you mean Arrival. That's such a good film.

It's a good film, isn't it?

Can I have a look at the tomato?

-Because that's the only one that bothered to have pubic hair.

-Yeah.

There we are.

Making an effort!

Weren't all those vegetables on That's Life 30 years ago?

-They used to have...

-Two of them presented it.

Yes, this is the Downing Street dinner party,

which turned nasty as soon as they started discussing Brexit.

So, just like any other dinner party.

According to the Times, the atmosphere at the dinner changed

when Theresa May referred to...

Yeah, that's when I know my wife's had too much!

During the dinner, Theresa May suggested

that citizens' rights in Europe...

The end of June?! You couldn't leave TalkTalk by the end of June!

According to the Financial Times...

Which is one Euro for every man, woman and child in the UK,

according to Diane Abbott.

OK, Paul and Andy take a look at this.

-ANDY:

-Carry the four, divide by seven...

This is for me, is it? She's getting in the car, that's nice.

There's Tim. There's another battle bus, we've seen plenty of those.

-One of us isn't breathing!

-LAUGHTER

So, yes, it's the party leaders have been

-getting up to various bits and pieces, haven't they?

-That's right.

-There's an election on.

-They're all out to persuade people to vote.

-And Diane had a problem.

-Oh, yes, she did.

-Yeah.

-What's she gone and done?

-Well, they had an idea they thought would work,

which is having 10,000 more police. This is the Labour Party.

Normally that's what the Tories say.

This time, Labour thought they'd try it, but unfortunately,

they got Diane out.

-Yes. SARA:

-She got the numbers wrong, didn't she?

She gave an amount which would mean they were paying

£30 per year per policeman.

-Yes.

-Quite cheap coppers, not even those ones that are semi-coppers,

that go round parks telling you to be quiet.

-"Is that dog wasting?"

-LAUGHTER

Wasting?!

Where is this park, 1820?

It's a real shame. Because you do want there to be an opposition.

Lots of people have been very badly affected by cuts in this country

and you just want them to have their figures right.

-It's really disappointing.

-She was asked 10,000 police,

how much will that cost? She said £300,000.

So that's £30 a year for a copper.

So they said, "Is that right?" She said, "No. I didn't mean £300,000,

-"I meant 80 million."

-LAUGHTER

Let's have a look.

We believe it will be about £300,000.

-£300,000?

-Sorry.

-10,000 police officers?

What are you paying them?

No, I mean... Sorry...

How much will they cost?

They will cost...

They will... It will cost...

Er, about...

About £80 million.

The additional costs in year one,

when we anticipate recruiting 250,000 policemen

will be 64.3 million.

250,000 policemen?

And women.

She hasn't grasped modern politics at all, Diane Abbott.

No, I think it's mathematics she hasn't got!

If you've got figures that are complete bollocks and you don't know

what you're talking about, you don't trot them out on a radio show,

you slap them on the side of a bus and you drive them around!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's move on to the Conservatives.

How has Theresa May responded to criticism

that she just robotically repeats the same lines...?

Oh, is this when she was repeating

over and over again the "strong and stable" thing?

-That, obviously, yes.

-Yes.

She's got a new mantra, though. Did you pick it up at the weekend?

-Have a look, see if you can spot it here.

-Yeah, go on.

I genuinely believe this is the most important election

the country has faced in my lifetime.

Because this is, I think the most important election

that this country has faced in my lifetime.

How are you finding it so far?

Thank you very much, Ruth, and it's great to be with you here.

Thank you for everything you've done

for Scottish Conservatives with your leadership.

But it's great to be in Scotland, because

as we look ahead to this general election,

really, it is, I think,

the most important election the UK has faced in my lifetime.

Of course she'd think that - she's running for Prime Minister!

LAUGHTER

She didn't care who won in 1964.

-It didn't bother her.

-I knew I was coming on the show.

-Did you?

-So, on the weekend, I thought

I will watch the Sunday politics-y shows.

And I stopped counting in the end

because she began so many sentences with that construction,

"I'm very clear."

And it struck me that normally,

if someone repeated themselves that incessantly,

you would get them checked out for Alzheimer's.

Seriously, you would. I'm not a doctor.

-No.

-Are you not?

-Are you willing to give it a go?

Yeah, I'll give it a go.

-Bit of British pluck!

-I could have been.

-You may well have to be.

-I'm not saying

the Prime Minister has dementia, but what I'm saying is,

if she doesn't want people to start wondering about that,

she should stop repeating herself.

She is forgetting a lot of stuff.

She's forgotten her original position on Brexit pretty quickly.

I'm not saying she's got...

But next week, if she's giving a press conference

in her pyjamas, you heard it here first.

I think there's a potential show in this -

unqualified people giving medical, you know...

-Oh, I'm up for that.

-Exactly.

You'll get your operation. You get your operation free

-but it has to be carried out by...Joe Pasquale.

-Yeah!

Does everyone want to see Theresa knocking on doors?

-Not for me, no.

-LAUGHTER

Oh, go on, then! If you've got it, if you've got it. Go on, then.

-No.

-No, I don't think...

Oh, OK. We won't trouble you, then.

Oh, no!

-ANDY:

-Without wishing to labour the dementia thing...

-It is a touch.

-..she's wandering around the streets...

Trying to find out where she lives.

"Do I live in here?" "No."

And she has to have a young man with her

to show her how to use a doorbell.

I rest my case.

Back to her interview on the Andrew Marr Show.

What did Theresa May deny was down

to the government's public sector pay freeze?

-ANDY:

-Food banks, people going to the...

-Oh, yes, the nurses, yes.

-The nurses.

-Using food banks.

Well, let's see her answer.

There are many complex reasons why people go to food banks.

-Yeah. Sometimes they don't like what's in Sainsbury's!

-Yeah.

Could buy it, don't want to.

-Fancied a laugh at the end of the night shift.

-Yeah.

So, onto the Lib Dems now. Onto the Lib Dems.

Who has Tim Farron been talking to?

He ran into a man who disagreed with him.

He did that. Before he did that, though,

according to The Express, he'd been talking to Tony Blair

about the possibility of forming a pro-European party.

Tony Blair! He's been really mean about Jeremy Corbyn.

Not mean, he doesn't like him,

-doesn't support him...

-You mean sort of accurate?

That's his party who he's supposed to be helping.

It's like your ex-boyfriend turning up, being like,

"I don't like your new boyfriend."

Erm, you left me in the middle of the night.

I woke up, Gordon Brown was there.

I don't want to listen to you!

APPLAUSE

Tim Farron was meeting members of the public in Kidlington.

This is what happened when he met Malcolm Baker in Oxfordshire.

-You keep going on, all the time...

-Loads of my mates voted...

-I voted Leave.

-Yep.

-And I'm proud to have voted Leave.

-Yeah.

-MAN:

-You're very aggressive.

-And I knew what I was voting for.

-But are you...? Have you got grandchildren?

-Yes, I've got...

Are you proud they will inherit a poorer, less secure country?

I'm proud that they'll be coming out of Britain...

Out of Europe... And that we will have our own destiny

and not have people telling us we're going to pay £100 billion

-to get out.

-Do you not...?

-And if that's your policies,

I hope you get beaten. I hope you only get six seats!

Well, thank you very much. Nice to talk to you.

I have always voted Labour,

but I will be voting for Theresa May!

You fucking idiot!

LAUGHTER

Glad we have the voice of common sense there at the end.

It's a very sad way to find out that Kidlington is leaving Britain.

-Here's Jeremy Corbyn.

-Jeremy Corbyn, yes.

-What's going on here?

-He is rather confused.

He's discovered that Paul Nuttall has turned up to support him,

-if you look behind him.

-LAUGHTER

Here's Nicola Sturgeon. What do we think's going on here?

-ANDY:

-She's having so much fun there.

It's like, "Oh, look, I'm Harry Potter!"

Here's Theresa May...

Oh, they've brushed out the cigarette!

-Fag ash Lil.

-Yeah.

The full Dot Cotton look!

-SARA:

-It's the walk of shame!

She's not been to bed.

Been on the doorstep all night.

Just getting her tea and her chips.

"Why are you only taking pictures of me now?"

It looks like she's trying to suck the chips up.

There's been a lot of talk about tactical voting in this election.

-Is that going to happen, do we think?

-Well, there's a lot of

traditional Labour people who aren't sure if they can actually do it.

I mean, presumably you, Andy,

I mean, it's a tough decision, isn't it?

I've voted tactically in the past sometimes.

Or to put that another way...

Their fate will be in each other's hands

as they decide whether to share

or to shaft.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the official launch of the election campaign

with a visit by Theresa May to the Queen.

Diane Abbott got in a tangle on LBC

during an interview about funding police recruitment.

To be fair, it wasn't her fault. She didn't have the figures to hand

because one of advisers had left the fag packet

back in the office.

According to The Guardian...

As has the Conservatives'.

Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for Labour,

Tony Blair has hinted at a comeback.

Tory Jacob Rees-Mogg dismissed the announcement...

Bit rich coming from the MP for 1879!

The Ukip campaign was marred by a brawl

between two women outside a pub in Hartlepool.

According to one witness...

I'm guessing it's what we, the liberal elite,

call "wine." LAUGHTER.

And so it's a welcome return to the Wheel O' News.

-Oh, there's only three things on it.

-Here's the first spin.

So who is this

and why are they in the news? BUZZER

-Yes, Ian?

-Seagulls. Some local council somewhere... Is it Devon?

Devon. It is Devon.

They've decided that they're going to fine anyone

who's aiding and abetting gulls

-by feeding them.

-What, like fish?

They're going to be in trouble.

There's going to be a lot of fish in jail.

How much is the fine going to be?

£80 million.

-SARA LAUGHING

-300?

-Ten?

-No, it's...

Hang on.

-Erm, I have a question...

-Jeremy, erm...?

I have a question. So you know that thing,

and it's happened to everyone,

when you've got your chips at the beach

and the seagull comes in and takes them from you,

is that still aiding and abetting?

Take, for example, Theresa May.

-Chips in one hand, drink on the other...

-Yeah.

Gull comes in - head-butt. It's good.

-It's her only option!

-APPLAUSE

Her only option.

-In case anyone's wondering, the fine is £80.

-80.

In other animal news, why did this cat get a visit from the police?

-Wasting police time?

-No-one thought that was a gun, right?

-That's not the story?

-This was reposted on the Oregon

-police department Facebook page...

-No!

-..in the US this week.

One member of the public claimed it showed

a cat that was armed with a rifle.

What confusion arose when a British man with no Chinese

-took his dog to a Chinese barber this week?

-Oh, no.

Well, here is Leigh Simmons' dog, Seren, before the visit.

Oh, no!

Leigh told the Sun...

-ANDY:

-Uh-oh.

-No!

-Now, I can see what way some people are thinking,

and I admit it would be hilarious, but...

-..I suspect the dog survived, first of all.

-The dog survived.

Yes, and he was just sort of nude. Apart from his head.

Let's have a look.

That's not right!

That's like a dog-chicken thing.

He looks like he is wearing thermal underwear!

You would be if everybody shaved your hair off.

-ANDY:

-You look at the dog's expression.

-He's looking at his owner and he's thinking...

-I trusted you.

-Yeah.

You wait till you fall asleep!

This is the council in Devon which

has banned the public from feeding seagulls.

In 2015, David Cameron revealed a seagull swooped down

and stole his ham sandwich. The Telegraph said this began...

Well, voting to leave the EU seems to have got rid of him.

The last spin on the Wheel O' News...

BUZZER

Prince Philip's retiring from public duties

after 70-odd years of opening things

and walking around and speaking to people.

Just cos he's 95.

-95.

-What a slacker!

How did the story break this morning?

They had a pre-announcement, didn't they?

They said, "We're going to do an announcement."

Everyone thought it was this really huge announcement

and then the announcement was Prince Philip is going to retire

and people thought, is he still working? He's so old.

Who is making him do this, Iain Duncan Smith?

Let the poor boy rest!

Some people actually went so far as to report that he had died.

-They didn't!

-Yes, well... It was reported in France

and then later in The Sun.

-Shall we see how they covered it in The Sun?

-Yes.

-Oh, wow.

-They said...

LAUGHTER

That's the instruction from the features editor, isn't it?

And they just printed it!

So what does this actually mean?

-Well, he's stepping down from...

-Stepping down.

Kind of keeping up all his engagements up until the autumn,

so he's still headlining Glastonbury.

So what will we hear no more?

-SARA:

-Pre-war racism?

Well, his joke.

You're going to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.

You're seeing the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.

You are now going to see the world's most experienced plaque unveiler.

LAUGHTER

-Not a bad gag.

-No, it's quite good.

I don't think any of us are in a position

to criticise someone who recycles a gag.

I enjoyed his answer to a question in 1988.

He was asked what he would like to be reincarnated as...

This is Prince Philip standing down from all royal duties.

He's Frankie Boyle, really, isn't he?

That's what he wanted to be.

According to the BBC, Prince Philip has...

..and prompted 800 Royal aides hurriedly to say,

"He didn't mean it, he's from a different generation."

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Blackbeard, Andy Hamilton, Conan the Barbarian and Ian Hislop.

There you are.

Well, they've all got beards, except me.

Thank yo very much, two points!

They are all barbarians, except me.

How dare you?!

-Have at you, sir!

-SARA:

-Just what a barbarian WOULD say.

-Is it pirates?

-Hmm...?

I'm a pirate in a children's cartoon.

You are. Exactly, yes.

-Do you remember what you're called?

-I'm called...

Yes, of course I remember. I'm...

I'm a proper artist!

-I'm Captain Squid.

-You are, you're Captain Squid.

-Captain Squid?

-I'm a captain and I'm a squid.

It's actually quite an achievement for a squid to reach that rank.

What's your Captain Squid voice? Your booming, pirate voice?

It's very like this voice.

-Let's have a look. We've got it. We've got it here.

-Oh, no.

Captain Squid.

Well, best be off. I've got some pirate stuff to get on with.

I'm not a real pirate, in case that's confusing.

This is about having a parrot. I had a parrot when I was young.

Ian's the odd one out. He's not a pirate.

Yes, you're right. Ian has never been a pirate,

but like many legendary pirates, he did once own a parrot.

What was your parrot called?

Erm... We were a very imaginative family. It was called Polly.

It was a grey, African parrot.

Did you teach it all your catchphrases?

PAUL LAUGHS

-And those would be, Alexander?

-I don't know. Catch-looks, maybe.

LAUGHTER

That's Ian's catch-look!

We had this parrot in Nigeria where we were living when I was very young

and was a lovely parrot and it did a certain amount

of talking...in English.

-POSH VOICE:

-I'm too good for this place!

I really shouldn't be here.

What do we know about Blackbeard?

-He used to set fire to himself, didn't he?

-He did, exactly right.

-He used to put fireworks in his beard.

-Yes, exactly. He would...

And here he is. We've got a picture of him there.

-SARA:

-He runs a coffee shop now in Shoreditch.

LAUGHTER

I've seen him. It's vaping.

That's still happening.

Blackbeard was an infamous 18th-century pirate

in the Caribbean, known for his drunkenness and violent reputation.

In fact, Johnny Depp used him as an inspiration for the character

Johnny Depp in real life.

Who's that playing Conan the Barbarian?

-ANDY:

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Yes, that's right.

One recent review of Conan the Barbarian read simply,

"Terrible film, terrible actor, terrible apprentice ratings, sad,

"exclamation mark."

Yes, they are all pirates,

apart from Ian, although he did once own a parrot.

I was a pirate, actually.

LAUGHTER

After Nigeria, we moved to Somalia.

That film, Captain Phillips? It's based on me.

It's a busy life, being Ian Hislop's parrot.

After repeating everything Ian says, the parrot

is currently fighting 19 different libel actions.

It's time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

It comes out once a month, without any signals or warning.

And to start with...

-SARA:

-Struggle, because I can't reach the keyboard like this.

-ANDY:

-Writing The LaidBack Cyclist seems an awful waste of a life?

Oh! And you've just told them it's a waste of a life!

Apparently the readership of the magazine dropped last year but...

My God, who knew David Bowie and Prince were both subscribers?

Next...

-ANDY:

-Older.

Dried out.

In a specialist clinic.

Pro-Corbyn.

That's certainly true!

This is a list of 24 endangered baby names.

According to the Sun...

Not surprising. That's not how you spell Monica.

LAUGHTER

And finally...

Convicted.

-Solves crime?

-ANDY:

-Solves murder.

-Yeah.

A hairdresser accused of driving without a seat belt

has successfully defended herself in court

after watching episodes of Miss Marple.

She used Agatha Christie's TV series to prove that she couldn't possibly

have not been wearing her seat belt in Colchester

on the day in question, as at the time she was, in fact,

murdering someone on the Orient Express.

So the final scores are...

Ian and Sara on 5.

Paul and Andy on 7.

-APPLAUSE

-Outrageous!

We lose again.

And I leave you with news that

in Edinburgh, as the Conservatives campaign

to win back some seats in Scotland,

there's a hostile reception for Theresa May.

At a packed press conference in Paris,

Francois Hollande is finally forced to admit

he has a body odour problem.

And as a result of his decision to withdraw from public engagements,

Prince Philip will now have more time to spend with his family.

Goodnight.