Episode 4 Have I Got News for You


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Episode 4

Regular team captains Paul Merton and Ian Hislop are joined by guest host David Harewood and guest panellists Kirsty Wark and Josh Widdicombe.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm David Harewood.

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In the news this week, running late before a rally on the environment,

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Green Party leader Caroline Lucas rushes through the morning chores.

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LAUGHTER

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In London, Simon Cowell's butler admits he's getting a bit fed up

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with having to deal with his boss' cats.

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BELL RINGS

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LAUGHTER

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And after losing his job, Kelvin MacKenzie's week

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goes from bad to worse as he regrets leaving his tin of toffees

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out in the sun for too long.

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LAUGHTER

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Argh, jeez!

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LAUGHTER

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On Ian's team tonight, a writer and comedian

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who's won both Celebrity Pointless and Celebrity Mastermind.

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So obviously, he's very clever, for a celebrity.

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Please welcome Josh Widdecombe.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And with Paul is a journalist and broadcaster

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who started out on BBC Scotland.

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And the way things are going,

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she'll soon be back there as the BBC's foreign correspondent.

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Please welcome Kirsty Wark.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Josh, take a look at this.

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Bananas.

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That's Tim Farron on the Krypton Factor.

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That's the BBC's top political interviewers, there.

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And the reintroduction of grammar schools.

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That last one, is it that they're remaking Big, starring Theresa May?

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LAUGHTER

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It's going to be a great film, I can't wait for it.

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It's the election, presumably?

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This is the news that

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fearing Kirsty would give her too easy a ride on Newsnight,

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Theresa May subjected herself to The One Show.

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Which member of Theresa's team was trusted to appear alongside her?

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It was her husband, Philip.

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It was obviously a tough interview.

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They went straight in with, "Do you like shoes?"

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, Alex and Matt, the grand inquistadores.

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LAUGHTER

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-Did she?

-Yes, she did like shoes,

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as long as they were strong and stable.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Yes, the questions included how did they meet,

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does he like jackets or jumpers

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and, "Who takes the bins out?"

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-It was him.

-That's right.

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-Philip takes the bins out.

-But I've never seen it

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because they've always got that kind of shot of Number Ten.

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You've never seen him just...

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LAUGHTER

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All those first drafts of her speeches...

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I wouldn't give him the job of putting the bins out.

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It looks like the bins have put him out.

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-LAUGHTER

-Poor devil.

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But I don't understand,

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you've got the Prime Minister on and the basis of the BBC line is,

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"We won't ask about politics...

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"..cos that would be unfair!"

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That's the Prime Minister!

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So what happens when Jeremy Corbyn comes on?

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He may like that.

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But, his partner's not going to go on with him.

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No, they can't do a cosy Mr and Mrs, because Mrs won't come on.

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So Diane Abbott will go on.

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LAUGHTER

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She'll have a problem with the figures, won't she?

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Is it The One Show, The Five Show?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Did you like the answer, Kirsty,

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that in life there are boy's jobs and girl's jobs?

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That was a focus group job, wasn't it?

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They've definitely done that for that audience, absolutely.

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He takes the bins out, she...

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-irons?

-I thought it was girls' jobs are being the Prime Minister...

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Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

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Boy's jobs - being in the City, making money.

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-Strong and stable.

-Strong and stable, yes.

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-Tie. No, he didn't wear a tie.

-He didn't wear a tie.

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Didn't wear a tie, extraordinary behaviour.

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LAUGHTER

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Did you hear Theresa's uplifting story

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about how she inspired a young woman to go into politics?

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-Yes, I did.

-Did you? Was it inspiring?

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It was. The young woman was inspired

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by Theresa's shoes to go into politics.

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She said, "The only reason I went into politics is your shoes."

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And that woman was Marine Le Pen.

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LAUGHTER

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In fact, we can have a look at that clip right now.

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Just to tell you a little story,

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this happened about, I suppose, four or five years ago.

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I was in the lift in the House of Commons,

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and there was a young woman in the lift

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and I happened to look down and I said, "Oh, nice pair of shoes."

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And she said, "Oh, I like your shoes."

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And then she looked at me and said,

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"Your shoes got me involved in politics."

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And now... You know?

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LAUGHTER

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-It's as easy as that!

-It's as easy as that.

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What has Channel 4 News' Michael Crick

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alleged about Theresa May's campaign?

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It says a Conservative press officer has been refusing to allow questions

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to Theresa May, unless they have prior approval to speak.

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And this is in the Cabinet.

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LAUGHTER

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You're not suggesting the questions in Mrs May's meetings are planted?

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I'm not suggesting that at all.

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Who is then?

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LAUGHTER

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Kirsty, have you been allowed to ask Mrs May a question?

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She keeps asking to come on, but we're being picky.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Other media outlets have said that they have had no such problems,

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but Theresa May was heard to accuse someone at a recent factory visit...

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They said, "No, this is a Biro factory."

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LAUGHTER

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You know, she's got a touch of the Trumps, touch of the Erdogans...

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..all kicking in.

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No, I think she's forgotten this is an election for Prime Minister,

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not life president and dictator.

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At least Jeremy Corbyn is prepared to meet people in the street.

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Did you see what happened in Leicester the other day?

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-No.

-Let's have a look.

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Your hair?

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, that's better.

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-Keep still.

-That one.

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Do you know what? If he takes him on The One Show, that will be amazing.

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Yes!

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-Is he curing the sick?

-LAUGHTER

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And another man said this to him...

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LAUGHTER

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"We met in the gents toilets."

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He said, "I like your shoes."

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Kirsty, who leaked the Labour Party manifesto to the BBC?

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Was it you?

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-LAUGHTER

-You see, there are people that say

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that actually it was a kind of stunt,

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because it would mean that it would come out and get a bit more play

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and then Jeremy Corbyn wouldn't have to launch it next week,

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the attention wouldn't all be on Jeremy Corbyn

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because it would be out there.

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I think they had to leak the Labour pledges early

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in case the Tories just stole all of them.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean they've done that with electricity,

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they might have done a lot really.

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But would they actually say

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-they would only use a nuclear deterrent with caution?

-Yeah.

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-That was an extraordinary one.

-Is that unreasonable?

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LAUGHTER

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-JOSH:

-It should have said, cos it was a draft, if it just said,

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"We're going to be gung ho with nuclear deterrents."

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And then a little note by it, "Change this later."

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LAUGHTER

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After the Labour Party's manifesto was leaked on Wednesday,

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many commentators agree it's a great shame to see all this Labour Party

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infighting during the election.

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I mean, come on, guys, it's your last one ever.

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LAUGHTER

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Would you like to see Diane Abbott

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explaining the number of seats lost by Labour

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at last week's local elections?

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Do you know the number of net losses so far for Labour?

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At the time of us doing this interview,

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I think the net losses were about 50.

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There are actually 125 net losses so far.

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Well, the last time I looked

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we had net losses of...

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100. But obviously...

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LAUGHTER

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Sounds a bit like a doctor checking for concussion.

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LAUGHTER

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Should ask her who the Prime Minister is.

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Did you see how Ed Miliband this week proved what an uphill struggle

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-it is for Labour to keep the traditional working-class vote?

-No.

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-No.

-He was actually in Doncaster

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where he met an MP and tried to chat to a few locals who were unimpressed

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and told the Sunday Times...

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LAUGHTER

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This is obviously the election campaign and the fierce grilling

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of Mr and Mrs May on The One Show,

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so-called because it's the one show Theresa May's prepared to go on.

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LAUGHTER

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Mr and Mrs May met at university and have been together ever since.

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But, as we know, even though she's remained with him all this time,

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Theresa could change her mind and leave at any minute.

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LAUGHTER

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According to the Daily Mail...

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Corbyn doesn't want that.

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He'd have to sleep with Diane Abbott all over again.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Also this week, Amber Rudd told reporters that

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being Home Secretary was a bit like the TV series Homeland, saying...

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Hang on a minute, six series?

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They told me they stopped making it after they blew me up in series two.

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LAUGHTER

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Bastards!

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-Can't trust anybody.

-Paul and Kirsty, here's one for you.

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Yes. Avocado...

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-Avocado-gate.

-Avocado-gate, is it?

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SIREN BLARES, LAUGHTER

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Thanks for putting the sound on, I would have been confused

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as to what that vehicle was doing!

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Yes, it seems to be avocados are causing damage amongst people

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-in Great Britain, is that right?

-Yeah, there's been a lot of hands...

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-It's soft, it's soft, what's that?

-Hand problems, hand surgery.

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-Really?!

-Yes, lots of it.

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You'll never carve another avocado again.

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Those must be grim words to hear on a Friday night.

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At last we've got a proper liberal, metropolitan story.

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That guy from Doncaster's turned off, hasn't he?

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Exactly! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Well, poofs talking about fruit.

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LAUGHTER

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I bet someone's just turned on at that moment.

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LAUGHTER

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Apparently the injuries are greater at the weekends.

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In Glasgow, on Saturday night when you go to A&E...

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Oh, yes, avocado, yeah.

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"You'll have to get this one out, Doctor."

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LAUGHTER

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"Oh, Jesus Christ!

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"That's the last time I talk about football, I tell you that much."

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This is the shocking rise in avocado-related injuries.

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At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London...

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LAUGHTER

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-This is shocking!

-Chelsea, yeah.

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It's a shocking rise.

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-Shocking!

-At Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, in London,

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surgeon Mr Eccles said he now treats about four patients a week.

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Though, disappointingly, he's never encountered an injury

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from a cake filled with currants.

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LAUGHTER

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So what's the name given by A&E surgeons,

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-to this avocado-related injury?

-Idiocy.

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LAUGHTER

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I think I know. It's avocado hand.

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Very, very good - point there.

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Avocado hand -

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where amateur cooks have slashed their hand

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trying to cut into the fruit and remove the stone.

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It's like stigmata.

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I think the Irish police will be round for you.

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LAUGHTER

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Walking round Glasgow on a Saturday night going, "Stigmata!"

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They didn't get Stephen Fry, they'll get you.

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Who can give us the definitive technique for safely de-stoning?

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-Get somebody else to do it.

-LAUGHTER

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It's very simple,

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you cut the avocado...

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-KIRSTY:

-Yep.

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Yep, how do you get the stone out?

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-JOSH:

-Hoover.

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Guppy fish.

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-JOSH:

-Guppy fish!

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What does cafe owner Catherine Scott

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think avocados should be accompanied by?

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-A health warning.

-Yes.

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Small children mustn't try this, you must be 18 to cut an avocado.

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-JOSH:

-Like on cigarettes, pictures of avocado injuries.

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-KIRSTY:

-Avocado hand.

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Four out of five avocado eaters can't grip a joystick.

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-JOSH:

-Why are you doing that?

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-You can't take Glasgow out of the girl...

-Finger loss.

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Avocados should come with a health warning, that's right.

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Catherine cut herself whilst slicing and avocado and said

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she got no sympathy from her family.

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-They're from Doncaster.

-They just...

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LAUGHTER

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But they soon stopped when she bashed them over the head

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with her Brabantia pedal bin.

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LAUGHTER

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This of course is the dreadful news that more and more

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middle-class people are injuring themselves preparing food,

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especially avocados,

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and that's just for starters.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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And so to Round Two, the One-Armed Bandit Of News.

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Fingers on buzzers, please,

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and here is the first one.

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BUZZER

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-Trump.

-He's excelled himself,

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he's shocked even America,

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by sacking a man who's investigating him.

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-KIRSTY:

-Mr Comey's in trouble.

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But he only knew he was in trouble

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because he was actually attending an FBI staff meeting,

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and something came on the television behind

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that he'd been sacked. And he said, "That's such a joke, you guys."

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-JOSH:

-He thought he was being pranked?

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-KIRSTY:

-Yes, FBI director thought he was being pranked.

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Perhaps he should have just maintained that line.

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-Yeah.

-And then Trump said, "No, no, you're fired." "Oh!"

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Quite shocking, isn't it?

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It's doubly shocking because he's replaced him with Melania Trump.

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LAUGHTER

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No, she'd lock him up!

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LAUGHTER

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I have no evidence for that!

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What was the official reason for the shock dismissal of James Comey?

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Because he's bad at his job.

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"He's so bad at his job that I am still the President."

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"He's failed to catch me! How bad is he?"

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What has Donald Trump written in his letter to James Comey?

0:15:410:15:43

-What did he write?

-Is that where he said, "You're terminated"?

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-That's right.

-It's like being on The Apprentice, isn't it?

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-He just said, "You're fired."

-Yeah. He said, "You're terminated."

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He was mixing up his programmes.

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-JOSH:

-And then James Comey got a wheelie suitcase

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and had to walk out.

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LAUGHTER

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Had to sit in a taxi, and go, "I thought I did well, actually!"

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LAUGHTER

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And let's just remind ourselves of the President's signature.

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Absolutely nothing unhinged in that.

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If that was on a life-support machine

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you'd be in trouble, wouldn't you?

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LAUGHTER

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How did the White House press Secretary Sean Spicer try to avoid

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reporters' questions?

0:16:240:16:26

Hid in the bushes while he talked to some members of the press.

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-Oh, you're kidding.

-No, it's true.

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They are completely nuts.

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Sean Spicer actually hid in some bushes in the White House garden

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and only agreed to answer questions

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if the cameramen turned out their lights.

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Are they doing Halloween 4?

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This is true!

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This is actual truth. After carrying this story, the Washington Post then

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published this correction.

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Trying to make out he was talking to two Bushes,

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ex-President Bush and the other President Bush.

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What did we learn about Donald Trump's exercise routine this week?

0:17:190:17:23

-That he doesn't have one.

-That's right.

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-He doesn't do any.

-No.

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He believes that in order to live longer

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we should not do any exercise.

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This is good news.

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LAUGHTER

0:17:320:17:33

Apparently there's been some more shock news on the jobs front.

0:17:380:17:42

Anyone know who's resigned this week?

0:17:420:17:43

Marlene McGregory from Glasgow,

0:17:440:17:46

who's quit her job as a cleaner with this resignation letter.

0:17:460:17:50

IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Dear Mr MacGillivray.

0:17:500:17:52

"Notice of termination of employment.

0:17:520:17:55

"The job's crap and I'm leaving.

0:17:550:17:57

"I'll no' be back after June 30th.

0:17:580:18:00

"Cannae wait. Good luck in getting some other mug to clean your place.

0:18:000:18:03

"Cheerio, Marlene."

0:18:030:18:05

APPLAUSE

0:18:050:18:07

That was my off-the-cuff Scottish accent.

0:18:090:18:11

I didn't think this show would end up with me accusing you of racism.

0:18:110:18:14

LAUGHTER

0:18:140:18:16

Now, this, of course, is the controversial sacking

0:18:180:18:22

of FBI chief James Comey.

0:18:220:18:23

The decision to sack Mr Comey came from the very top,

0:18:230:18:27

Vladimir Putin.

0:18:270:18:28

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's the next one.

0:18:290:18:32

BUZZER

0:18:370:18:38

I don't know what this is,

0:18:380:18:39

but that's what they used to call a hobbyhorse, isn't it,

0:18:390:18:41

so this must be some sort of hobbyhorse racing?

0:18:410:18:44

-That's right.

-Is it?

-Yes.

0:18:440:18:46

This is the news that hobbyhorsing is the latest craze

0:18:460:18:49

to hit the Finnish teens.

0:18:490:18:50

Shall we have a look at a bit of hobbyhorsing?

0:18:500:18:53

-Yes, absolutely.

-Let's do it.

0:18:530:18:54

Now if a sport ever needed to be drug tested, it's that one.

0:19:080:19:12

Very bleak footage where one of them falls

0:19:130:19:15

and they have to put a curtain around the hobbyhorse.

0:19:150:19:18

Are there no horses in Finland?

0:19:200:19:21

No! It's actually estimated that

0:19:210:19:23

there are more than 10,000 people hobbyhorsing in Finland

0:19:230:19:27

-and 200 people...

-Who's estimated that, Diane Abbott?

0:19:270:19:29

LAUGHTER

0:19:290:19:32

200 people competed in the national championships recently.

0:19:340:19:37

Let's have a quick game of Don't Be An Idiom.

0:19:370:19:40

What is the origin of the hobbyhorse?

0:19:400:19:43

I think it's before we had horses, wasn't it?

0:19:430:19:46

Because you wouldn't bother with that

0:19:460:19:48

if there was a real horse over there!

0:19:480:19:49

You wouldn't bother with a stick and stick his head on it, would you?

0:19:490:19:53

That would be perverse.

0:19:530:19:54

In the 1400s, it was a small horse,

0:19:540:19:57

then it became a horse costume worn by Morris dancers.

0:19:570:20:01

-KIRSTY:

-Bloody Morris dancers!

-Let's have a look.

0:20:010:20:03

There he is.

0:20:030:20:05

Does my arse look big in this?

0:20:050:20:06

This is the latest craze to hit Finland.

0:20:080:20:11

It's such an obsession with Finnish girls

0:20:110:20:13

that they are out on their hobbyhorses from dawn till dusk.

0:20:130:20:16

That's a whole hour. LAUGHTER

0:20:160:20:19

According to an enthusiast, hobbyhorsing has a feminist agenda,

0:20:210:20:25

especially if during a race

0:20:250:20:26

one of the other girls throws herself in front of your horse.

0:20:260:20:29

Now it's time for the Odd One Out round.

0:20:310:20:34

Li Liangwei, Reza Parastesh, Charlie Chaplin and Christopher Hayward.

0:20:340:20:38

BUZZER

0:20:380:20:40

Right, it's got to be lookalikes, I know that,

0:20:400:20:42

because the guy in the top left

0:20:420:20:44

is China's premier Donald Trump impersonator.

0:20:440:20:47

It makes you wonder, the people that turn up if he can't do the gig.

0:20:470:20:50

That's obviously Jeremy Corbyn.

0:20:520:20:54

I'm assuming it's a lookalike of Jeremy Corbyn down there.

0:20:540:20:57

Charlie Chaplin, he had lookalikes cashing in on his fame

0:20:570:21:00

while he was making films, is it about lookalikes?

0:21:000:21:03

Which is the odd one out?

0:21:030:21:05

It's Charlie Chaplin,

0:21:050:21:06

cos he's not a lookalike of himself.

0:21:060:21:08

That's absolutely right.

0:21:080:21:10

They are all successful lookalikes apart from Charlie Chaplin,

0:21:100:21:13

who, despite inspiring countless lookalikes,

0:21:130:21:15

was originally told to change his trademark look

0:21:150:21:17

as it would never be a success.

0:21:170:21:19

Yeah. He was told to get rid of his moustache...

0:21:190:21:21

-Who by?

-Hitler.

0:21:210:21:22

In a newly discovered letter

0:21:260:21:27

written by bosses of the film studio Universal in 1912,

0:21:270:21:31

it suggested that Charlie Chaplin

0:21:310:21:33

should lose his name and his moustache

0:21:330:21:34

and change his hat to a beret.

0:21:340:21:36

He didn't invent the costume until 1913,

0:21:380:21:40

so how was the letter written in 1912?

0:21:400:21:42

Well, maybe they were just looking at his act.

0:21:420:21:45

Yeah, yeah, yes, I'll let it go.

0:21:450:21:49

LAUGHTER

0:21:490:21:51

Being a lookalike can be a dangerous business,

0:21:510:21:54

as Iranian student Reza Parastesh found out this week.

0:21:540:21:57

Who is Reza the absolute spitting image of?

0:21:570:21:59

He's Lionel Messi.

0:21:590:22:01

Yes, that's the one.

0:22:010:22:02

It's Barcelona star football player Lionel Messi.

0:22:020:22:05

-It's uncanny.

-Unbelievable, that.

0:22:050:22:07

-KIRSTY:

-Amazing.

0:22:070:22:08

-JOSH:

-That's... That's just Lionel Messi!

0:22:090:22:12

He's going, "Do you know what, I bet I could make an extra £100

0:22:120:22:15

"as a lookalike of myself."

0:22:150:22:16

He looks so much like Messi,

0:22:160:22:18

he causes traffic chaos in his home city of Iran.

0:22:180:22:21

Reza's father takes his son's similarities to Messi to heart.

0:22:210:22:24

Anyone know what his father did when Messi scored a winning goal

0:22:240:22:27

against Iran in the 2014 World Cup?

0:22:270:22:29

Threw him out of the house or something like that?

0:22:290:22:32

Exactly right. He banned him from the house.

0:22:320:22:34

LAUGHTER

0:22:340:22:35

Having joined a lookalike agency, Reza Parastesh,

0:22:420:22:46

the Iranian Lionel Messi, is now getting a lot of bookings.

0:22:460:22:49

In fact, last week he was sent off.

0:22:490:22:51

Now, Li Liangwei is China's only Donald Trump impersonator.

0:22:530:22:56

So is he making a living from this?

0:22:560:22:58

Apparently. Now what criticism of his impersonation

0:22:580:23:00

does Li Liangwei agree with?

0:23:000:23:02

He doesn't look like him.

0:23:020:23:04

He doesn't sound like him.

0:23:040:23:05

He makes no attempt to appear like him?

0:23:050:23:07

He doesn't even know who Donald Trump is?

0:23:090:23:11

He admits that he looks absolutely nothing like Donald Trump.

0:23:110:23:15

But what is the one aspect of Trump that Li thinks he's got down to a T?

0:23:150:23:18

Hand gestures?

0:23:180:23:19

Exactly. Trump's thumbs up gesture,

0:23:200:23:24

which his agent says is spot-on.

0:23:240:23:26

Let's compare the two.

0:23:300:23:31

Now there isn't a single thing about him that looks like

0:23:320:23:35

the President of the United States, is there?

0:23:350:23:37

But unbelievably, that's what Donald Trump is.

0:23:370:23:40

LAUGHTER

0:23:410:23:42

Anyone want to see a Chinese pheasant

0:23:430:23:45

that looks more like Donald Trump

0:23:450:23:47

than the Chinese Donald Trump lookalike?

0:23:470:23:49

-Yes, please.

-Um, yeah.

-Well, here it is.

0:23:490:23:51

APPLAUSE

0:23:540:23:57

What links North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un

0:23:580:24:01

and an unobservant mum in Derby?

0:24:010:24:04

A refusal to watch ITV.

0:24:040:24:05

Jake tweeted this.

0:24:070:24:08

Here it is.

0:24:160:24:18

LAUGHTER

0:24:180:24:19

-JOSH:

-That is amazing.

0:24:220:24:23

That is hilarious.

0:24:230:24:24

Now it's time for the Missing Words round,

0:24:240:24:26

which this week features as its guest publication Up Yer Kilt.

0:24:260:24:30

Do you know this?

0:24:320:24:34

-I subscribe.

-Do you?

0:24:340:24:35

-JOSH:

-Page Three is harrowing.

0:24:370:24:38

Which is a Scottish metal detecting magazine.

0:24:430:24:47

What are you going to find up there?

0:24:470:24:49

That's why you need a special detector.

0:24:520:24:54

And we start with,

0:24:550:24:57

Pope Francis to what for the first time in Vatican history?

0:24:570:25:00

Is it marry a supermodel?

0:25:000:25:02

-JOSH:

-Admit it's all a bit far-fetched?

0:25:040:25:06

LAUGHTER

0:25:060:25:07

The answer is - "Pope Francis to appear in a feature film."

0:25:130:25:16

Oh!!

0:25:160:25:18

The Pope has appeared in a new film

0:25:180:25:20

which will premiere at the Cannes Film Festival next week.

0:25:200:25:23

The Pontiff's acting was praised

0:25:230:25:24

but he did annoy the director a bit when he started his scene by saying

0:25:240:25:28

"Let there be lights, camera, action."

0:25:280:25:31

Next, the worst thing about metal detecting is what?

0:25:310:25:36

The hours, the loneliness...

0:25:360:25:38

The fact that you don't trust anybody...

0:25:380:25:40

Do they love you or just your collection of metal?

0:25:400:25:43

The actual answer is -

0:25:430:25:44

"The worst thing about metal detecting is the rivalry

0:25:440:25:47

-"between different groups." ALL:

-Yes!

0:25:470:25:50

It's a real shame, every time they bury their differences,

0:25:500:25:53

some idiot digs them up again.

0:25:530:25:54

LAUGHTER

0:25:540:25:56

Next, attention-seeking gorilla wows crowds at zoo by performing what?

0:25:560:26:01

-JOSH:

-Oh, it's the drum solo from the Dairy Milk advert.

0:26:010:26:03

-I was amazed at that.

-Yeah.

0:26:060:26:08

Actually, it's ballet routines.

0:26:080:26:10

Here's a picture of the animal

0:26:100:26:12

mid-performance in the Devonshire zoo.

0:26:120:26:13

-JOSH:

-Oh, wow.

0:26:130:26:15

Sadly this piece didn't actually feature in the Sun newspaper,

0:26:150:26:18

as they'd just sacked their gorilla expert.

0:26:180:26:20

LAUGHTER

0:26:200:26:23

And finally, what dragged mercilessly offstage

0:26:230:26:26

for what mid-performance?

0:26:260:26:28

-JOSH:

-"FBI chief dragged mercilessly offstage for doing his job

0:26:280:26:32

"mid-performance."

0:26:320:26:33

"Attention-seeking gorilla dragged mercilessly offstage

0:26:330:26:37

"for forgetting the words to Give Me A Man At Midnight mid-performance."

0:26:370:26:40

-I'd like to see that.

-So would I, have you got a clip for it?

0:26:410:26:44

Where do we look?

0:26:440:26:46

It's actually - "Dancing Pikachu dragged mercilessly

0:26:460:26:49

"offstage for deflating mid-performance."

0:26:490:26:52

At the Pokemon World Festival, one Pikachu's costume started to deflate

0:26:530:26:57

midway through the big dance performance. Let's have a look.

0:26:570:27:00

LAUGHTER

0:27:090:27:13

Brilliant.

0:27:210:27:22

So the final scores are Paul and Kirsty with nine points,

0:27:240:27:28

and Ian and Josh with five points.

0:27:280:27:30

I'm very sorry!

0:27:340:27:36

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists -

0:27:400:27:42

Ian Hislop and Josh Widdecombe, Paul Merton and Kirsty Wark -

0:27:420:27:45

and I leave you with news that Buckingham Palace denies reports

0:27:450:27:48

that Prince Philip's decision to retire from royal duties

0:27:480:27:51

may have been due to his failing eyesight.

0:27:510:27:53

As tensions rise on the border of North and South Korea,

0:27:580:28:01

Kim's troops line up every weapon available.

0:28:010:28:03

And as the number of avocado-related accidents increase,

0:28:070:28:10

there's also evidence of the terrible injuries

0:28:100:28:12

that can be inflicted when slicing a red pepper.

0:28:120:28:15

Goodnight.

0:28:180:28:19

APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:22