Episode 5 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You,

I'm Frankie Boyle. In the news this week, in central London,

BBC arts editor Will Gompertz struggles with

the weight of his massive frontal lobe.

In Durham, Mike Ashley regrets getting a zero-hours worker

from Sports Direct to set up his water slide.

And, having been home for almost a year, there are signs that

astronaut Tim Peake is still struggling to adapt to normal life.

On Ian's team tonight is an actress and comedian

who performs in a Radio Wales sketch show,

Die Laughing...is the name of the producer.

Please welcome Cariad Lloyd.

And with Paul tonight is Gyles Brandreth,

a friend of Prince Philip.

Philip says the friendship has helped him to welcome old age,

as he's looking forward to forgetting who Gyles is.

Please welcome Gyles Brandreth.

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Cariad, take a look at this.

Tim Farron, the manifesto.

Theresa May, another manifesto.

Corbyn, that's dead.

That's the last Labour voter he's talking to.

-Everyone's released their manifestos.

-It's manifestos week -

like Fashion Week but less interesting.

At least the manifestos have come out,

cos they were dripping out one boring policy a day.

Like a kind of diabetic advent calendar.

You see things in such positive terms.

That is one of my more positive jokes.

Theresa May, with that fake photo they had, the bus,

a huge crowd of people, there was actually about 30 people,

outside the bus that was used on the Remain campaign -

-it's got the same number plate. Did you know that?

-Well, excellent.

Recycling!

She's got the Ukip vote, she's got the Labour vote,

she's got the Green vote, now!

-I'll give her that.

-Do manifestos have much point?

British people generally vote for leaders, don't they?

At the moment, they're going,

"Who would lead us if we are all stranded on a desert island?"

and they know that Theresa May

would have us eating the wounded by nightfall.

And Corbyn would be hosting a two-hour meeting

about whether coconuts have feelings.

Isn't the argument a lot of Theresa May's policies

are Ed Miliband's old policies?

Theresa Miliband.

Who is this appalling Marxist?

-Chairman May.

-Chairman May!

I've stood in two elections.

Really, Gyles...?

I have to tell you, I've not met a member of the voting public who has

ever read a manifesto.

I certainly didn't trouble myself.

Feeling that the broad-brush approach is what we need,

and I think that's really, if I were Theresa May,

I would not have bothered with this.

She's got a very good "strong and stable government", lovely line,

nobody out there ever reads the manifesto.

Gyles, you went round a few doors, knocked on them, and, quite rightly,

the people pretended not to be in.

Including, sadly, your own house.

I would put it to you, Gyles,

saying "strong and stable" over and over again

isn't a strong and stable thing to do.

So, you know...

APPLAUSE

I'm sure you watched the build-up to the Anthony Joshua-Klitschko fight.

Watched it? I lived it!

He was in one of the supporting bouts.

They were incredibly eloquent in the build-up to that fight.

It wasn't like a normal fight, they didn't trash talk each other,

they were both very articulate guys.

That's a better quality of debate than we've had in the election.

This is why, really, a manifesto is not necessary,

because the odds seem to be in Mrs May's favour.

She also has that lovely husband. So they're a marvellous double act.

She has a lovely husband?

So why does she keep bringing out this one, then?

Why is she doing so well, May?

Have you seen the opposition, Frankie?

I don't think anybody has.

Theresa May looks like if the colour grey didn't care

if you lived or died.

APPLAUSE

Again, I think she's trying to extend her appeal beyond...

you.

There was bad news and good news for the elderly needing care

-in their own home.

-Oh, yeah.

-What was it?

-CARIAD:

-The value of your house will now be taken into account.

-GYLES:

-The essence of it is social care will be paid somehow,

and it's going to be paid for by your house, in the long term.

You and your partner can live in the house while you're alive,

but the moment you are dead, out, out!

And let's sell the house and bring the money in,

that's the essence of it.

Is it another of those policies that presumably are going to really worry

some of the papers who like to support Mrs May,

it's an attack on old, rich people.

Sensible candidates spend a lot of time in the old-folks home,

because there the people are, waiting to meet you,

lined up against the wall, gazing in the same direction...

LAUGHTER

And you come with a local photographer, you come after lunch,

they're dozing fitfully,

you position yourself halfway down the line.

When the photographer is ready, you go... They wake up, eyes open.

Photograph is taken. There you are, you've visited the old people.

Broad brush. Strong and stable government.

Fingers on buzzers.

Let's see if you can tell me what revealing answers Theresa May

gave to a series of quickfire questions

put to her by the Sunday Times.

Question was Sherlock or Midsomer Murders?

-BELL

-She likes both.

"I've watched both."

She's not stupid, you know.

Broadchurch or Line of Duty?

BELL

Both.

Neither.

"I haven't watched either." Merkel or Macron?

BELL

Both, "I'm looking forward to working with them."

Almost exactly that.

I could be a politician, it's incredibly easy.

I mean, even Gyles did it...

The Daily Telegraph made a similar attempt to make her appear human

and normal, by asking her which Harry Potter character

she most resembled. BUZZER

She has read, she claims, all the Harry Potter books.

I don't know if she's seen the movies, but she wouldn't

be drawn on which one she wanted to be...

-CARIAD:

-She's Malfoy and she knows it.

She's not Malfoy.

Those are the posh boys she's just replaced.

She's maybe Thatcher's final horcrux.

-I'd watch that.

-What she replied was...

Unite boss Len McCluskey had some encouraging words for Jeremy Corbyn,

what were they? BUZZER

He said, we haven't got a chance. He said, we have 200 seats left,

that'll be it, we won't win, we've got no chance at all.

He said 200 seats would be Labour's worst result since 1935,

and that would be regarded as a success for Jeremy Corbyn.

This is the mistake, you see, politicians make -

saying anything at all.

You seem to be saying "don't say anything" at incredible length.

APPLAUSE

What was wrong with the design of Labour candidate Roger Godsiff's

campaign leaflet?

Did he misspell the constituency, or his own name?

-It was beyond that.

-Beyond that?

-Shall we have a wee look?

"Unwanted, unnecessary and opportunistic."

You asked for honesty from your politicians.

Anything else catch your eye in the various manifestos?

They're full of good ideas - unlike Gyles,

I thought they were terrific.

They're a lot of the same ideas.

This is cos we're all now broadly speaking in the middle ground.

Little Tim Farron, looking like Daddy Woodentop.

He's allowing us to get high on the weed, that's lovely.

-CARIAD:

-Somebody make a gif of that immediately -

Gyles Brandreth going "high on the weed."

I've kind of got addicted to watching Tim Farron.

-He's incredible.

-He's like a sort of trendy vicar.

"OK, we're having a meeting at the youth club tomorrow,

"we're gonna have a workshop on how to act normal around gays."

Did anyone see the BBC's Ben Brown

cup a woman's breast while talking to Norman Smith on Tuesday?

-No.

-Let's have a look.

Already, there's some uncertainty

about what he was saying on benefits.

-WOMAN:

-Absolutely fantastic.

Just give us a second.

Jeremy Corbyn was asked whether he would end the freeze...

And the BBC has spent years

trying to get away from this kind of thing.

-This is the...

-Can I say, this is...

-No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the ongoing election campaign.

Revealing that she's a diabetic,

Theresa May has admitted she injects five times a day.

She really is going for that Scottish vote, isn't she?

As a father, I'll tell you what's a vote winner -

cutting paternity leave.

Paul and Gyles, take a look at this, please.

Yes, this is a hospital...

The computer's going down, he's very angry about it.

There is the evil villain that's been making it all happen,

somebody who can't afford their electricity bill.

-So, hackers. Anonymous hackers.

-It's the hackers.

-Are they anonymous?

-I don't know where they're from.

-We do know where they're from. They are from North Korea.

-It turns out.

-Has that been proven?

-Not totally proven.

But they're not going to sue me, so...

I think it probably is North Korea, there is something...

LAUGHTER

Something in the code, when it was un-hacked,

indicated it might have been from North Korea.

-CARIAD:

-Gyles, you know way too much about this.

I think you were involved.

-GYLES:

-Only because I did chair the Cyber Security Awards,

quite recently. I can't tell you where, or when...

Is that security or Alzheimer's?

Do you know what the virus was called?

It was called WannaCry,

demands money before you can get your computer files back.

It was all in BRIT-coins as well.

-Bitcoins?

-Bitcoins.

No, no, we've left the European market. Britcoins!

There's been a sort of failure of the government, here, hasn't there?

They were warned at least three years ago that XP needed updating.

But the trouble with the NHS, it spent a lot of money on IT already -

about 12 billion - for a system that didn't work,

so essentially it doesn't have any money left,

so they didn't pay for the update.

We've not upgraded the security properly,

we've been running the NHS on Windows XP so people

have probably been told that they're dying by a helpful paperclip.

I like the idea that as a hacker,

you would target, for a ransom, the NHS.

One of the few world organisations you know doesn't have any money.

Probably given Jeremy Hunt some ideas

about how to get money out of it!

What must it be like being Jeremy Hunt at the moment?

Imagine he goes into hospital,

he'd be the first person to have a sprained wrist treated anally.

"Sorry, Mr Hunt, this is going to involve a bit of a run-up."

"Luckily, our computers are down,

"so there's no record of what's about to happen to you."

This bit of malware was stolen

from the American National Security Association. Which is a misnomer!

I think President Trump gave it away.

Does anyone know what the Russians have said about it?

CARIAD SPEAKS RUSSIAN-SOUNDING GIBBERISH

Exactly that.

They're claiming it's not them

cos the Russian Interior Ministry was targeted.

-GYLES:

-That was the decoy.

You're so clever, Gyles.

These are just things I picked up at the Cyber Security Conference.

The Russians have said...

Who else has been hacked this week?

-The Europeans...

-Everyone's been hacked -

virtually everybody outside of North Korea has been hacked.

Renault.

One of the big stories is they hacked Disney.

They've demanded a ransom.

Disney have said...

..said the makers of Pirates Of The Caribbean 5.

This is the NHS computer-hacking crisis.

It's the biggest failure for the NHS since records began...

at three o'clock yesterday.

Nine NHS trusts were affected.

Records were lost and people may have to wait six weeks

to see a doctor. Amber Rudd said...

And so to Round 2 and a welcome return to the Jigsaw of News.

Fingers on the buzzer, teams.

BUZZER

Is this President, soon-to-be-Mr Trump?

Once again, every time he does something,

he just makes things worse for himself. They're relieved

he's going abroad for a couple of weeks,

just to take the pressure off him being a fucking idiot.

APPLAUSE

If, as a result of his presidency, the world does indeed end,

won't it be marvellous to think it happened in our time?

He might change what the word "presidential" means.

Like, in a few years, you'll be going,

"My uncle fell over and banged his head on a curb.

"He's been rendered completely presidential."

He dismissed the head of the FBI this week.

-CARIAD:

-James Comey?

-GYLES:

-Mr Comey was dismissed.

-Comey over.

-Because he was...

-CARIAD:

-Investigating his connections with Russia.

And now there's an enquiry, who's been put in charge of the enquiry?

-They've got a special prosecutor.

-A former head of the FBI.

When you open up that special prosecutor,

there'll be another little special prosecutor, there'll be another...

Eventually there will be a little bloke saying, "Did you do it?"

-CARIAD:

-Robert Mueller?

Robert Mueller who was a former FBI director.

James Comey's done something to get his revenge on Trump.

-Any ideas?

-He has produced his memo.

He kept a memorandum.

After Trump tweeted that he had kept or suggest

he might have kept a recording of the dinner

that took place in February.

Comey then came back to say, "I kept a memorandum."

And he said, "Will you drop the Russian stuff?"

So, basically, he accused him of literally trying to interfere

in the process of justice.

The Americans don't like that very much.

So it's all going wrong.

-CARIAD:

-The best bit was Putin.

"If you want the transcript, we've got one."

How did Trump's administration respond to Comey's leak?

With confusion.

With incredible confusion.

According to the online news website Daily Beast

one official said...

While another senior official said...

What else did Donald Trump do this week?

He decided literally in the middle of a meeting

with the Russian Foreign Minister that he would read some stuff

given to him by some people,

came from the Israelis apparently, he just passed it on.

That's to the Russians! And then he goes around saying,

"Why did people accuse me of being too close to the Russians?"

I don't know, Donald, I can't imagine!

Trump defended his actions by making this speech.

Look at the way I've been treated lately.

Especially by the media.

No politician in history...

..and I say this with great surety,

was treated worse or more unfairly.

You can't let them get you down.

-Oh, God!

-When he says no-one's been treated this badly,

does he mean psychiatrically?

Did he use the word "surety?"

Yes.

It is terrifying, isn't it?

Surely if you were recruiting a spy,

Trump would be underneath Hulk Hogan.

I wouldn't believe any conspiracy theory at all.

I think he is exactly what he is revealing himself to be.

You just told us North Korea attacked the NHS!

Oh, no! Don't reintroduce the subject!

-That is that.

-Please be quiet.

-He also...

-How did...

-Excuse me.

No.

He also...

Gyles.

Gyles, when people hear your name, they often think, "Jumpers,"

but I'm sure people who meet you must take their lives

in other ways as well.

LAUGHTER

This is the news that Donald Trump is now at war

with intelligence in two ways.

Donald Trump said recently that every time he picks a phone up,

he feels like someone is listening. That's what a phone is, Donald!

APPLAUSE

Donald Trump is increasingly unpopular with the CIA,

where his Secret Service codename is JFK 2.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

-BELL

-Football.

LAUGHTER

-Who are they?

-CARIAD:

-They're men.

They're men with a cup.

-They have done something well.

-They're a very special type

-of new football club. GYLES:

-They're wearing green costumes?

-CARIAD:

-Costumes! He's worse than me!

-The green's a clue. GYLES:

-The green IS a clue.

It's an environmentally friendly football club.

Yes! Yes indeed.

-This is the news...

-Forest Green Rovers or whatever?

Forest Green Rovers? The first vegan football club.

-Vegan?

-They were promoted on Sunday for the first time in their history.

Here's how the radio commentator described it.

'Let me tell you this, Cheltenham, Swindon, Newport,

'you're going to eat humus at the new lawn next season,

'because Forest Green Rovers are in the Football League!'

Since going vegan, the players have had zero injuries,

but how were some of the players and staff caught out last year?

Eating pork scratchings after hours?

Very close.

Here they are!

The staff at Greggs didn't help the situation

by telling the local paper...

This is Forest Green Rovers, the first vegan football club.

Thanks to their eco-friendly chairman, Dale Vince,

according to the BBC, the club has...

In fact, if they put any more shit on the pitch,

they'll qualify for the Scottish Premiership.

As a vegan team, Forest Green Rovers are looking forward

to their derby with archrivals KFC.

Time now for the odd one out round.

Your four are...

a quilted jacket in old gold,

the Da Vinci Code,

Stork margarine,

and Ivanka Trump's fashion brand.

OK, the jacket is old gold coloured,

Dan Brown, the Da Vinci Code, I don't know much about that.

Other than it was a film and a book, obviously. Stork might have changed

its colour due to some sort of manufacturing process.

Any idea about this, Gyles?

Well, colour clearly is involved, orange possibly is the colour

because Orange is the colour of Ivanka and of the quilted jacket.

Is it something to do with not being stocked,

cos Ivanka's fashion line was dropped?

And it was one of the few things that Trump

was genuinely exercised about - his daughter's fashion line

was dropped by one of the big department stores.

Yes, it's much more to do with that.

LAUGHTER

Stork is no longer on the market, and the other three are.

No.

And this old gold jacket...

-CARIAD:

-Has been dropped by...

Not been dropped by anyone. Thus the odd one out.

-It is the odd one out.

-Hey!

APPLAUSE

The answer is no-one wants to buy them apart from a quilted jacket

in old gold, which proved to be overwhelmingly popular this week.

Ria Hattam wore one to the Badminton Horse Trials

only to spot at least 16 others. She took some photos.

Let's have a look at Ria and the matching jackets.

Oh, yes!

I'm laughing, but I'm going to go and throw mine away!

This isn't the only time someone has turned up to find everyone else

in the same outfit. Did anyone see how Australian news anchor

Amber Sherlock dealt with it?

Wearing the same as the breakfast person on Norwegian television.

I don't really know what that means.

Let's have a wee look at the clip.

I need Julie to put a jacket on cos we're all in white.

I asked her before we came on. You need to put a jacket on.

I haven't had time. Is there someone...

Come on, I told you two hours ago!

Amber, I'm sorry, I've been flat out.

Well, I'll call wardrobe and we'll get something.

I made this clear two and a half hours ago.

Amber, if it's an issue, I can get on out of here.

It is an issue, go and grab a jacket.

Time now to head into the chatroom.

Joining me today is psychologist Sandy Ray in Melbourne

and Julie Snook in Sydney.

Why didn't she complain about the one on the right

having the same hair as her in the middle?

Perhaps it's like one of those fruit machines.

You pull a handle and three images are going across.

Due to poor sales, Ivanka Trump's clothing line is being re-branded

and sold at discount stores.

What has the fashion label Chanel been criticised for this week?

Oh, the boomerang.

-Yes.

-They've made a bejewelled boomerang, or something?

-They've made a boomerang that costs £1,130.

-Wow.

Let's have a wee look at it.

Why is it dipped in chocolate?

I wonder what the returns policy is.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oxfam is begging people not to take any more copies of

Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code to its charity shops as it can't shift

the many copies it already has.

Here's how one Oxfam shop in Swansea illustrated the problem.

This is the sign in the window, which said,

"You could give us another Da Vinci Code

"but we would rather have your vinyl."

How did Stephen Fry describe the novel?

He said it was...

Some religious conspiracy theorists have pointed out

that if you read the Da Vinci Code backwards,

it's actually a bit better.

Sales of Stork margarine

are decreasing as people prefer to spread butter

on their toast, as you said, people think it is healthier.

According to the Guardian...

That's the last community you want to make a joke about!

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

Well, someone's applauding!

Time now for the missing words round which this week features

as its guest publication...

Essexbirding,

the journal of the Essex bird-watching society.

Many people in Essex are twitchers, but that's mainly due to cocaine.

And we start with...

-GYLES:

-Lover? Just to help out when Philip retires?

-CARIAD:

-Are you offering, Gyles?

I don't think that's what he's retiring from.

The Queen has a top-secret Facebook account.

-CARIAD:

-No way!

One reason the Queen gets a lot of Facebook messages,

is because she has two birthdays a year.

One each for her human and lizard forms.

-You and David Icke, then!

-Next...

"..felt my hands around his scrawny neck

"as I choked the living daylights out of him!"

-CARIAD:

-"..and the old editor said I could and that was fine."

Pretty much. The answer...

In fact, the only time any editor has said yes quicker

is when Kelvin MacKenzie asked, "Shall I offer my resig...?"

I don't think he offered his resignation!

Next...

-GYLES:

-"Gran accidentally dies after taking birdseed instead of aspirin?"

The answer is...

This is Valerie Johnson who accidentally drove 300 miles

from England to Lanarkshire when she missed a turn-off.

She thought she was following the right motorway on the map,

but it turned out to be a varicose vein.

And finally...

"..conjures up the spirit of Beelzebub and ruins reception."

"..accidentally photographs wrong couple."

Yes!

Oh, no!

Jacob Peters made an expensive mistake last weekend

when he accidentally photographed the wrong couple's proposal.

Also this week, a groom got into trouble

after a bee disrupted his wedding. Let's have a look.

And to be your companion and your friend.

On this journey that we make together.

On this journey that we make together.

Oh!

There was a bee.

Straight after that she pretended to see a wasp near his balls.

So, the final scores are -

Paul and Gyles have eight points

and Ian and Cariad have six!

Well done.

Blew it.

APPLAUSE

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop, Cariad Lloyd, Paul Merton and Gyles Brandreth.

And I leave you with news that,

as Labour's election campaign continues,

party workers are concerned that some members may have

misunderstood the phrase "touch base with the public."

After pledging that, if elected Prime Minister,

he would legalise cannabis, Lib Dem leader Tim Farron

denies trying out the drug for himself.

And, at a Moscow press conference, one journalist tries his luck

asking Donald Trump who's America's top spy in Russia.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE