Episode 6 Have I Got News for You

Hello, my name is Henning. Hello. Good evening. Guten Abend.

Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, sechs,

sieben, acht, neun...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Zehn!

-Zehn! Ja.

-Elf!

-Elf, ja.

Any more, anyone?

-Zwolf!

-Zwolf, ja, indeed!

Anyone who can count further will be deported.

We're different country now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Ed Balls, and in the news this week -

at a Slinky factory in the Midlands,

after spotting yet another election candidate about to pay a visit,

one worker takes cunning evasive action.

In a dining room in south London,

Brian Cox's cat makes a vital contribution

to the owner's understanding of the orbital motion of Saturn.

And there's evidence that female moviegoers

may be disappointed with the remake of Ghost.

On Ian's team tonight is a German comedian

who has made this country his home for the past 15 years.

Ah, well, all good things...

Please welcome, for the last time, Henning Wehn!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is an outspoken journalist

and broadcaster, and a Londoner

who loves walking in the countryside for the tranquillity,

which is what London enjoys while she's off doing it.

Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.

APPLAUSE

So it's obviously been a horrible, terrible week.

Yes, but we're still, I think, allowed to laugh.

Is that...is that OK?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

-Excellent.

Well, I don't want to overstate it,

but going out, enjoying yourself, having a good time -

all the things terrorism hates - we can still do it.

-Quite right.

-Even here.

APPLAUSE

And have a laugh at Ed, I hope.

Thanks, Ian(!)

So, Paul and Janet, take a look at this.

Ah, Mr Bean goes on holiday.

Here he is.

I thought he was frightened of stairs,

-so they've laid on an escalator, specially.

-What's he doing?

-What's going on there?

-Well, I read that he has to have an award

to put him in a good mood.

Donald Trump has been away from America,

to get away from his problems there,

and now he's walking around the world

showing everybody what a massive twit looks like.

Yes, he went to Rome.

-Yeah. Brussels.

-Israel.

Yeah, ended up in Brussels.

He's repeated the same phrase over and over again about the bombers,

that they are "losers".

I thought the phrase he kept repeating was, "Where am I?"

No, I think he repeated, "Strong and stable government."

But the main thing is that it was an opportunity

for the Trump women to wear a succession of extraordinary outfits.

Looking like a couple of Thunderbirds puppets, basically.

-Lady Penelope and...

-Parker.

And Parker, yeah, that's good.

What landmark moment in Trump's presidency did the trip signify?

He was about to be impeached...

so he thought, if he went abroad,

he could make more of a fool of himself than at home.

I mean, it is extraordinary.

He said about the Saudis that they threw people off buildings

and had an appalling attitude to women, during the campaign,

then he got there and said, "This is a magnificent kingdom."

He contradicts himself almost mid-sentence nowadays.

He can't keep it up.

He criticised Obama for bowing to the Saudis,

then he himself curtsied.

He does this sort of weird thing

and then puts on the Award

of the Great Flogger of the Temple of Doom, or whatever it is!

That was an ITV quiz show that never got past the pilot.

-It is quite extraordinary.

-Hmm.

And having failed to point out that, you know,

if you're going to Saudi Arabia to make a speech

about where this appalling version of Islam comes from

that preaches terrorism and extremism, where is it?

Ooh, it's here!

Not a mention of it.

They were told at the official dinner

he needed to have ketchup on stand-by.

Do you want to know a fascinating fact about tomato ketchup?

-Yes!

-Yes.

I'm going to say that one again.

Do you want to know a fascinating fact about tomato ketchup?

Oh, yes!

Henning's auditioning for the Churchill dog ad.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-"Oh, yes!"

Well, suddenly, with Brexit looming,

I'm a lot more amenable to advertising.

This actually may be something you know about.

The father of Henry Heinz, the inventor of ketchup,

and Donald Trump's grandfather come from

the same German village of Kallstadt.

I'm not taking any responsibility...

What was the biggest talking point of Trump's Saudi visit?

How about the glowing orb?

How about the glowing orb?

Cos that's what his barber calls his head.

Have a look at this picture.

-HENNING:

-Yeah, that is just as sinister as anything, isn't it?

They are dividing it up between them.

-JANET:

-It looks like the World Cup.

So many people in that photograph look like a waxwork.

-HENNING:

-I tell you what,

of the three people holding the ball,

Donald Trump looks the most trustworthy.

-As a world leader...

-Not you, surely?

Did you see the ceremonial sword dance

the Saudis put on for the President?

-No, but I'd love to.

-Here it is.

-Good!

DRUMMING AND CHANTING

You need to give him some dancing tips.

He's got no sense of rhythm,

-and his sword was drooping.

-I know.

Donald Trump then moved on to the third leg

in his monotheistic religions of the world tour,

where he met the Pope in the Vatican.

How did that go?

Not so well. He'd been very rude about the Pope.

The Pope had said that he was not a Christian.

The Pope looks fantastically stony faced.

-We've got some footage.

-Oh, here we are.

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

HENNING CHUCKLES

It looks like somebody

who was against the marriage in the first place.

If you thought that photo opportunity was awkward,

look what happened when they sat down.

LOW CONVERSATION

Is there anything you'd like to tell me?

I'm sorry, we don't seem to have your reservation here.

And how did the Pope lighten the mood?

Let one off.

I'm sorry?!

He asked Melania what she was feeding Trump, and she said pizza.

Top bantz.

She didn't say anything on the whole trip, did she?

-There's no record of Melania speaking.

-Hmm.

She had a lot more eye make-up by the end than the beginning.

She doesn't seem to be enjoying life as the First Lady, does she?

He put his hand out and she gave it the flick.

She knows that he's scared of stairs,

so when they're coming down the stairs,

he reached out to her and she went...ohh!

Whoa-oa-oa!

What is it about stairs that worries him?

Is it the unpredictability of one step after another?

Or is it Dalek in his DNA? What's up with him?

Donald thought that he and the Pope got on really well

because they had one thing in common.

Do you know what that is?

Humility.

That is right.

That is the answer.

-No!

-Yes.

-No!

It's true. In 2013, Donald Trump tweeted...

And what did the Pope give to Donald Trump to take away?

Diphtheria?

He gave him a carved piece of olive wood saying...

A sentiment we all share.

This is Donald Trump's whistle-stop tour

which started with Saudi Arabia and Israel.

Trump's Saudi trip concluded with a concert

by an American country and western singer

accompanied by an Arabian lute,

who rounded off the evening with that Saudi country classic,

Stand Ten Paces Behind Your Man.

After the Middle East, the Trumps went to Italy

to visit the Pope.

There's Melania wearing her favourite outfit.

Widow-in-waiting.

APPLAUSE

She does look like she should be doing an advert

for Scottish pensions, wandering around that maze.

Ian and Henning, take a look at this.

-Oh, dear.

-This is politics, which has started again.

There was a temporary pause and now we're all back.

Going one way and then the other.

Yeah.

It's a U-turn, so what?

She proposed this idea that old people

who have assets should pay for a proportion of their care,

and then she was reminded

that a lot of old people vote Conservative.

Then she thought this was a terrible idea.

Most of the Cabinet didn't know about this social care.

Apparently, it was slipped in at the last minute,

so all those ministers went out and said,

"This is a terrific idea,"

and then someone said, "She's just pulled it."

"This is not a great idea."

It's incredibly humiliating.

Meanwhile the Labour Party, who are usually for inheritance tax,

suddenly decided that passing on your house to your children

was a traditional socialist touchstone,

and that it was appalling to suggest that people

should actually have to pay for some of their own care

and not give their children money.

The Conservatives have promised

8 billion of extra funding for the NHS.

-Where's the money coming from?

-Corporation tax.

Andrew Neil tried to find out.

How are you going to pay for extra £8 billion for the NHS?

Andrew, when I go round the country and talk to people

about what we're going to do in government,

what people want to know is,

are we actually going to have the strong economy

that enables us to pay for the NHS?

Where will the extra 8 billion come from?

What we have done, if you look at our record,

is shown that we can put record sums of money

into the National Health Service

at the same time as we are ensuring

that we are building that strong economy.

Let me try one more time.

Where will the extra 8 billion for the NHS come from?

What we have done over the last six years - six, seven years -

and we will do in future, is ensure that we have the strong economy,

the growing economy, that enables us

to generate the funds to put into our public services.

So, Ed, how does it work if, say, you are the Prime Minister

or Shadow Chancellor, or whatever,

and you go to an interview like that,

so do you get briefed or brief yourself

so that's just those few messages I want to get out,

and whatever I get asked I will not answer or say anything

that I haven't prepared...

Look at the alternative - Diane Abbott...

blathering about a load of random figures.

Go on, Ed, you're the expert.

Well...

I think it's really important to answer the question

if you possibly can, and I don't think she did.

Pot and kettle!

I can't believe I'm hearing this!

And I think people probably noticed.

What's the one word that Theresa May repeated over and over again

in that interview with Andrew?

Help!

-Do you want to see?

-Yeah.

Well, Andrew, first of all, Andrew...

What we have done, Andrew...

Andrew... You know, Andrew...

Well, Andrew, I called an election several weeks ago...

Andrew...

Andrew...

Prime Minister, thank you.

Imagine doing that and then getting the name wrong.

What lie did Boris Johnson tell Robert Peston?

Was this the 350 million again?

Linked.

On the NHS?

Linked.

-Did he say it'd be reconsidered?

-Oh, he said it was in the manifesto.

-Did she say it at the manifesto launch?

-No.

Not only did he lie, but he actually cheated as well,

cos he looked at Peston's notes

in the hope of finding out what the question was going to be,

and he was caught.

I didn't know what cheating you were referring to there.

AUDIENCE GASPS

You've suddenly adopted the character of a Northern housewife.

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-"Ooh, have you heard about...?"

"It was no surprise to me!

"He was rinsing out his own gloves last Saturday."

We haven't talked about Labour very much,

so to head off any accusations of bias...

Are you leaving now, to be replaced?

The next round will be hosted by Michael Portillo.

Come on, we can have a Train Round.

When it comes to the Labour's manifesto promises,

how did Shadow Foreign Secretary Emily Thornberry muddy the waters?

-Was this Trident?

-Yep.

She said it would be reviewed

and the review might include scrapping it.

-Was that the problem?

-And do you know who contradicted her

and said it was Labour's policy to keep Trident?

-The Shadow Defence...

-The Shadow Defence Secretary, that's right.

This was Nia Griffith, the Shadow Defence Secretary...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

You're doing it again!

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-"I don't know who that man was she was in the pub

"with on Saturday,

"but it wasn't her husband, I'll tell you that much!

"I know full well he's got a job in Peterborough!"

-Finally...

-Yeah?

..in an interview with the Sunday Telegraph,

Theresa May revealed who her dream dinner-party guests would be.

If anyone from Google is watching,

prepare for a surge at 9:31 tonight.

He was an explorer, wasn't he, Wilfred Thesiger?

-Yeah.

-Africa.

-Ended up in Kenya.

Where DID he intend to go?

Another dream dinner-party guest

would be the artist Sir Stanley Spencer.

Has she ever looked at the pictures he painted?

Don't know!

-HENNING:

-That's not her, is it?

Unless that's Jacob Rees-Mogg!

APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two. I'm going to give you a musical clue.

-Oh, God!

-JANET:

-God...

I'm going to play a song which obviously will trigger a story

and I want you to buzz in when you know the answer.

OK.

HE PLAYS A SIMPLE TUNE

Scientists have found a way of making time stand still!

This could be Morse code, he might be signalling.

Signalling to U-boats in the harbour.

I've never heard of this bloody song!

Well, that's obvious!

OK, I'll do it again.

No! Stop, stop, stop!

In case you need a further clue...

Yeah?

APPLAUSE

Can we have a professional opinion?

Interesting use of the word "further"!

We'll have a look at the picture.

It's a cat that can play the piano!

-JANET:

-Pussycat. What's New Pussycat?.

He's called Bastard, by the look of it, on his collar.

-Why would someone call a cat Bastard?

-HENNING:

-That's Tom Jones?!

HE HUMS

That still isn't it!

I still don't know what song we're after!

It is a song, What's New Pussycat?,

to introduce this cat, who's called Bastard, according to his collar!

Although they reckon the cat is intelligent enough,

so they have blocked out three of the letters,

so he does not get a complex about it!

He might think his name's Bernard!

This is the news that an Australian charity are seeking a home

for a cat called Mr Biggles.

Do you know why he is struggling to find a home?

Is he very ill-tempered?

According to the advert posted by an Australian pet charity,

Mr Biggles is an...

Why is he such a bastard, does anybody know?

Weren't we discussing Tom Jones a minute ago?

He sang the song.

He sang What's New Pussycat?.

And this is about a pussycat in Australia - that's the link.

-That's the link.

-Get over it!

Ahh!

I think it was the "bip, bip, bip" that confused you.

According to the ad...

The ad also says he has the air of...

Let's move on.

Syd Hodgson wanted a tree cut down

to stop pigeons roosting and pooing on his car.

Four council workmen came along and installed this.

What did Sid make of the owl?

Pathetic.

He got really, really angry.

Is the right answer.

He wanted the tree cut down. He didn't want an owl.

He told the Times...

The owl might be saying the same about him!

And lastly, in other animal news,

let's see how a Russian dog

interrupted a news broadcast this week.

SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

DOG BARKS

SHE GASPS

SHE CONTINUES

They train their journalists tough over there, don't they?

Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's your next musical clue.

IAN SCOFFS

Interesting use of the word "next"!

FUNKY BEAT PLAYS

HE PLAYS A TUNE

BELL RINGS

-Oh, it sounds like something!

-I'm just joining in!

-I've not finished!

-Oh, I think you have.

-No, no, no.

That's it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-JANET:

-Not bad at all.

It sounded like something.

So the song was Pretty Woman. Here's a picture.

-HENNING:

-Well, it's a pretty woman, innit?

-BELL RINGS

-Jane Austen!

-HENNING:

-Oh, yeah.

That is going to be a bit big for the machines, isn't it?

-JANET:

-Hasn't there been an argument that she's been slightly...

I may as well not be here!

BELL RINGS

It is a buzzer round.

-Oh, sorry.

-No, no, go on.

-Oh.

Just making a point!

My point is that there's been an argument,

that she has been slightly prettied up for the £10 note.

This is the news that the image of Jane Austen

on the new £10 banknote has caused controversy

after being airbrushed to make her look prettier.

-Here's how she is on the new £10 note.

-Mm-hm.

And here's the original portrait that's based on.

That was drawn by her sister.

Yeah.

-HENNING:

-Well, it is similar though, innit?

-JANET:

-Similar, but if you were on Crimewatch,

would you say it was the same perpetrator?

Of course, I have just been on billboards

all over the country in a swimsuit

to promote a campaign for body confidence,

in which I was not airbrushed.

Can we see that?

You can see it if you want.

You can see my varicose veins 15 feet high.

They've been in Westfield shopping centre.

Your varicose veins are 15 foot high?!

No, my body was!

I see it now, yes!

I thought that was a nimbus cloud!

Anyway, this airbrushing is a plague, I do think.

It's astonishing that they feel they have to make

Jane Austen look more cute, you know?

In fact, they've just made her look more bland.

Yes. This is the airbrushing of Jane Austen's face

on the new £10 note,

a decision which shows a complete lack of sense.

And sensibility.

Time now for the Odd-One-Out Round.

Just one between you. This week, your four are...

a pair of glasses.

BUZZER

-Can we have...

-All right, you need to do a bit of buzzing!

How can you get the odd one out from one?

I'm just getting it in early since I keep being ignored!

Let's do that again.

Yeah.

I might do it again, just to annoy you.

Don't do it again.

Time now...

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

You utter, utter, utter bastard.

Your four are a pair of glasses,

a student's room in LA,

a steam cloud in Nottingham

and a pineapple.

BELL RINGS

The pair of glasses was mistaken for an exhibit in an art exhibition.

Is there a pineapple in an exhibition?

Bound to be.

And I think that student's room,

someone has arranged a student's room.

-I read about that, yeah.

-An installation.

It's an installation. So, they are all deliberate, except the glasses.

The steam cloud has been declared a work of art.

I was going to say, "Can we have a clue?"

but then I thought, "Oh, no!"

# Bam-bam-bam-bam... #

Anybody(?)

-JANET:

-Get the keyboard out!

It's the National Anthem, can you hear it?

Oh, yeah!

Can't you just sing us another clue?

No, don't!

Sorry, that came from the heart.

We don't know the answer.

They have all been mistaken for genuine works of art,

apart from a cloud of steam,

which WAS a genuine work of art

but was mistaken for a fire.

Let's have a look.

That is the steam.

It is either that

or the Liberal Democrats drugs policy working group.

In 1666, it was all over London...

And everyone was marvelling. "Ooh, lovely."

-JANET:

-But Henning...

The Turner Prize has outdone itself this year.

Do you know how the Nottingham Contemporary Art Gallery

tried to warn passers-by that

that was in fact an art installation?

Special signs?

They put up posters in the surrounding area

telling people not to worry

and that it was only a cloud of steam,

posters which, due to the cloud of steam, nobody could see.

A student's room in Los Angeles has recently been turned into

a passive-aggressive art gallery by his roommate,

who's sick of the mess he has left lying around.

When Justin finds any mess left by his housemate,

he leaves a card with the price and description of the art.

-Shall we look at a piece?

-Hmm.

"Forgotten milk, left to go actively rancid in fridge

"far beyond sell-by date."

Eurgh! Split infinitive!

It's barely worth 200 now!

A pair of glasses was mistaken for a new exhibit

at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. Let's have a look.

Calls into question the whole way we see things.

A pineapple was left in the middle of

an Aberdeen exhibition by a student.

What did the curators of the exhibition do with it?

-Put it in the catalogue?

-Worse.

-Put it in a case?

-Sold it!

-They put it in a display case.

It was left there by mistake.

How could you leave a pineapple?

I'm sorry, if I buy a pineapple, I don't go and walk round

an art gallery and think,

"Oh, I'll just look at this picture. I'll put my pineapple down."

You're missing out!

Everybody's doing it these days!

Time now for the Missing Words Round,

which this week features, as its guest publication, Chanter,

the Journal of the Bagpipe Society.

And we start with...

-JANET:

-Find Mr Right or even Mr 10%.

In the back of a cupboard.

The answer is...

Outraged consumers have been posting pictures this week

of a top from fashion retailer PrettyLittleThing

that's impossible to get over their heads.

Let's have a look.

That's not good.

I have the same problem with pants.

Why do you put them on your head?

Next...

-HENNING:

-I don't know, mental breakdown.

The loss of my political career.

-Yep.

-And finally...

I read this. It said more likely to be left-wing.

Or to be socialists.

-Oh, yes.

-Is exactly right.

It was in that top journal of scientific record,

the Sun, wasn't it?

It was actually in the Journal Of Evolution And Human Behaviour.

I sent a copy to Jeremy Corbyn,

but, sadly, he couldn't lift it off the doormat.

So the final scores are -

Paul and Jeremy on 4.

Who? Paul and Jeremy?

He's on!

I think I might read that again.

-I think you should.

-Yeah.

So the final scores are -

Paul and Janet are on 4, and Ian and Henning are also on 4.

It's a tie.

APPLAUSE

We scraped one...

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Henning Wehn, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.

And I leave you with news that, at the European Parliament,

the prank of calling an emergency meeting on a Sunday

works like a dream.

As Donald Trump completes his first tour abroad,

his foreign adviser waits patiently for him on Air Force One.

And after Pippa Middleton's wedding,

some of the guests begin to spread gossip about the bridegroom.

Goodnight.