Episode 10 Have I Got News for You

This programme contains

some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLES

Good evening, welcome to

Have I Got News For You.

I'm David Tennant.

In the news this week,

in Westminster,

the Government denies

that its pledge to build

300,000 new homes is

slightly behind schedule.

In Lapland, a group of disappointed

children find out why

they've all been given three-volume

biographies of Karl Marx.

APPLAUSE

And on her first day working at

a Christmas-tree farm in Scotland,

there was evidence one intern

still has a lot to learn.

On Ian's team tonight

is a comedian who recently

made a film about his quest to find

the UK's largest Scotch egg.

Not quite up there with

The Last Jedi but a noble effort.

Please welcome Joe Wilkinson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is Labour's

Shadow Education Secretary,

who admits that she's done

pretty well for a ginger kid

with no qualifications

who grew up on an estate.

Yeah, almost as well

as Prince Harry.

Please welcome Angela Rayner MP!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger

stories of the week.

Ian and Joe, take a look at this.

Ah, that was the Prime Minister

at time of going out.

That's David Davis,

trying to negotiate a step.

Right, and this is

subtle negotiations.

Oh, yes, she's amused too.

That's one of the rebels,

this is Brexit again.

Yes.

There was a rebellion,

and Mrs May lost,

and David Davis

made some admissions.

The one I liked was that,

"You don't have to be clever

to do this job."

We've noticed!

He is thick, isn't it?

He is, isn't he?

APPLAUSE

Well, he's not my first choice.

There you go.

Then, nor was Jeremy, was he?

APPLAUSE

Just saying, just saying!

Wasn't there scrapping as well?

Didn't the Cabinet start

fighting each other

this week, apparently?

Oh, do tell!

Apparently, there was

quite the fight on,

and Theresa May had to split up

some of her Cabinet colleagues.

What, literally physically

weigh in and go, "Leave it art!"

Was that Theresa May?!

Is she here?!

I heard her voice, is she here?!

That's her real voice -

she just puts on that

vicar's daughter thing.

What were the Tory rebels after?

They were after Parliament

having a final vote on Brexit.

Yes.

On the idea that the referendum

was taking back control,

so Parliament was meant

to make the laws.

Even for Brexit,

this is dull, isn't it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's about taking back control,

and previously we'd taken back

control of our country and given it

to ten people in Northern Ireland.

We are now giving it

back to Parliament, to you.

Yes!

What happened? Was it thrilling?

Well, it felt brilliant.

I've been there two and a half

years, and it's the first time

I'd seen them looking

absolutely miserable,

so it felt fantastic!

If I'm honest!

I like democracy.

Is it good when you're winning?

I know it's new but...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The amendment itself

is relatively nonpartisan,

but how did the Daily Mail

describe the 11 Tory rebels?

The headline said,

"Proud of yourself?"

It did.

As though they were

the headmaster

and they'd just found

some children smoking.

This was the front page

you were referring to.

That's the worst team

West Ham have ever put out.

What did Tory MP Nadine Dorries

think of the rebels in her party?

Well, she got quite nasty,

didn't she?

They were very vicious.

She was calling for

deselections, apparently.

She was, she was furious.

Trying to deselect people?

She'll join Momentum next!

She tweeted...

Which is interesting,

because Nadine herself

has rebelled against

her party 47 times.

Didn't Nadine go in

the forest as well?

She went in I'm A Celebrity,

didn't she?

She did, didn't she?

Is it a forest?

I thought it was a jungle!

Jungle, yeah!

If you're a B list celebrity,

you go into the forest.

If you're an A list,

it's the jungle.

If you're C list, it's a thicket.

Angela, do you think

there'll come a time

when Jeremy Corbyn will say anything

about what he thinks about Brexit?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jeremy has been absolutely clear

of our Brexit position.

Has he, though?!

Yeah.

What is it, then?

Spell it out for us!

We want a strong economy

with good jobs,

that's what everybody

wants from Brexit.

No, that's an aspiration,

that's not a policy.

Well, you know...

We want to be closely aligned

to the single market

and the customs union.

Do you want to be in them?

We've not said we wanted to be

in them, necessarily.

I know what you've NOT said!

I think we've been absolutely clear.

Do you?!

Absolutely clear, in fact...

in fact, we've been that clear

that Theresa May

is now actually doing

what Keir said all along.

I love it when people say,

"I'm being absolutely clear,"

because you know what's coming.

Why do some commentators think

that Theresa May will survive this?

Cos nobody else wants the job,

it's too miserable,

and she has got incredible skill

and just taking the blows.

She's one of those people,

oh, they smash her head in,

cut her arms off, she goes,

"Yes, I'm getting on with the job,

I'm walking along here!"

It doesn't matter, you blow up,

piano falls on her head.

I mean, it's a skill!

APPLAUSE

Ian, it's what women do -

we just get on with it.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!

APPLAUSE

51% clap...

Was that your last medical?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Could I swap teams?

According to the Times...

Talking of polls,

Theresa May did top one this week -

anyone know what that was?

Person least likely

to be Prime Minister?

It was the best modern

Christmas cracker joke.

Fantastic!

You want to hear the joke?

Yeah, absolutely!

Yeah?

She didn't write it, by the way.

No.

It was written by a bloke called

Samuel Williams, and it's this.

No, no...

But what's a nativity manager?

That's not a job, is it?

Well, exactly.

That is where the joke

falls down just a bit.

I think what Samuel has done is

he started with stable government

and tried desperately

to make it work

and then fucked it up which...

which I think we've

seen before somewhere.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you see what Theresa May

took a fancy

to in Maidenhead this week?

No...

It was a sparkly shoe

on a Christmas tree, look at this.

Oh, yes.

There she is.

Grabbing it!

While she was browsing,

she got stared out

by an artificial reindeer.

Maybe she'd like one of these.

Jerry Christmas!

I got a Jeremy Corbyn annual.

You got out a cut-out Jeremy mask

and a fact finder

of Diane Abbott and Theresa May

and things like that,

very interesting!

A Diane Abbott fact finder?!

How many days are there

in Christmas, is it the 12?

Or was it 80 billion?

No, Jerry Christmas to all.

Jerry Christmas,

a magical bearded old man

who all the children believe in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who makes your dreams come true!

Nice!

Anyway, this is Theresa May's

Commons defeat

over the European

Withdrawal Bill.

David Davis has compared

the Cabinet negotiations

over Brexit to...

And thanks to Damian Green,

they're now wondering

to make a porn sacrifice.

According to the Sun,

Boris Johnson claimed...

At which point, his wife shrieked

with delight and called her lawyer.

Asked what the requirements

of his job

in negotiating Brussels are,

David Davis said...

So why not replace him

with a scented candle?

Paul and Angela,

take a look at this.

A man looking through a telescope

and then trusting his own eye...

Ah, yes, this is the object

that is coming

into our solar system,

it looks like that.

I don't know what those people are.

It's this thing, it's about 400

metres long and 40 metres wide,

and it's come from outside

of our solar system.

We're looking at it to see

if it's sending any radio signals.

Mm-hmm.

They've got a machine

that can pick up a signal

that's as little as

a mobile phone signal.

Seeing as people often

can't get signals

on their mobile phone,

how they're going to

pick one up from that

I don't know.

But yeah, they're potentially

very excited about it.

Hmm.

Stephen Hawking said

it could be the real thing.

Could have aliens in it.

It could!

I hope there are aliens,

because it would be nice

to make a few new friends,

wouldn't it?

Yeah, especially

around Christmas time.

Yeah - we need one more

for badminton next week.

It is, exciting news,

the first-ever object to reach us

from outside our solar system

might just be an alien spaceship.

Yes, wouldn't it be great?

Apparently, Number Ten said it said,

"Take me to your leader,"

so it went to Belfast.

APPLAUSE

It's a good job we've got you here,

is there anything in your travels?

Does it look familiar to you

in any sense or shape or form?

Seen anything like that before

that you can remember?

It looks like a giant space jobbie.

The TURDIS.

No, no...

Doctor Poo?

Close Encounters Of The Turd Kind.

I really want to think of one!

I'm holding them all in!

That's not...

That's not healthy.

But it is the wrong shape

to be an astronoid...

An astronoid?

Yes! It is the wrong shape...

How did you get

through that script?!

"It's an astronoid, Doctor - sonic!"

It's also the wrong shape

to be an asteroid,

and researchers have pointed out...

Any other tells that

it's a spaceship?

Any other tell-tale signs?

It's in space?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The very thing they're looking for!

Yes.

Got to be clever to do her job!

It may also be made of metal.

I mean, it might also

be made of cheese!

And it's very clean.

House-proud aliens.

Has someone gone up

to it and gone...?

It was named in Hawaii,

its official name is A/2017 U1.

Do you know what sexier name

the scientists have given it?

Pretty much anything.

It begins with an O

and there's a couple of Ms in it,

but I don't know

how it's pronounced.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Actually, I'll take it back.

'Oumuamua, which loosely means...

Second choice of name

was apparently Rees-Mogg.

Apparently, 'Oumuamua...

But Harvard astrophysicist Avi Loeb,

cheerfully yet scarily,

explains that away.

He said 'Oumuamua might

just be coasting...

Yes!

Did he get his degree online?

LAUGHTER.

What is Donald Trump planning

to do in space soon?

He said he is going to send

men back to the moon

and then from there,

jump on to Mars, that is the next

big thing to do, to go

from the moon to Mars.

He did.

He announced this week he wants

to send astronauts back to the moon

for the first time since 1972.

He said the goal of the new mission

to the moon would include long-term

exploration and use of its surface.

He is going to open

a golf course, isn't he?

He does of course have a notoriously

short attention span, Donald Trump,

how did they keep him interested

as he signed the directive to send

astronauts back to the moon?

Bag of Lego?

Surprisingly close.

They gave him a toy

astronaut to play with.

Look at this.

LAUGHTER.

Look at his little face!

Look at it.

You can see him going,

to insanity and beyond.

That fellow is telling

him not to eat it.

Don't put it in your mouth!

Keep it out of your mouth!

Dirty boy!

This is the strange object that

recently entered our solar system

that some people think could be

an alien spacecraft.

According to the Times,

as the craft swings by the Earth,

it is travelling at 55

miles per second.

The only thing that can stop

that is a light dusting of snow.

The object is called Oumuamua

and comes from the old Hawaiian

phrase for two actors meeting

at the Ivy.

MAKES KISSING NOISES.

This week, Donald Trump has

announced plans to go to the moon.

Leading half a million angry

Clangers to sign a petition...

And the Republicans lost their seat

in the Senate this week

when the voters of Alabama rejected

Roy Moore, a right wing, homophobic,

evangelical child molester.

He is so vile, even Putin

didn't want to help.

In America, on CNN, they say alleged

child molester, but you go for it!

Come and get me, Roy!

I wouldn't say that!

APPLAUSE.

On round two, the Pictures Spin

Round, fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER.

I think this is about man flu.

Yes.

What has been discovered this week?

It doesn't exist.

AUDIENCE: AWWWWW!

Really?

It does exist and men

do suffer it worse.

Do we?

Yes.

Absolutely, yes.

Is the man attempting

to impersonate Mother Teresa?

I'm not saying it is one

of her best looks...

This is the news that the phenomenon

known as man flu has

been proven by science,

or at least by one male scientist,

Doctor Kyle Su from the memorial

University in Newfoundland says that

man flu can be traced back

to our caveman days when...

A thank you would not hurt.

How does Doctor Su suggest we should

respond to these findings?

Greater understanding.

Exactly.

He's a doctor, it must be true!

A lot of women would say the world

is an male friendly space.

But...

Why should we take Doctor Su's study

with a little pinch of salt?

Is he not a proper doctor?

He is a proper doctor and this

is a genuine piece of research.

But it turns out that the British

Medical Journal likes

to have a little bit

of fun in December.

Oh, do they?

And although the article

is based on real findings,

the arguments were perhaps a little

tongue in cheek.

With that in mind, who is

responsible for destroying the NHS?

LAUGHTER.

Jeremy Hunt?

No, that is a fact.

According to Dr Catherine Bell,

a GP, it is the scourge

of the public services,

Peppa Pig.

Oh yes!

I saw this.

What has Peppa been doing wrong?

Well, the doctor in Peppa Pig

is really nice and gives you 25

minutes and organises tests

and doesn't say, I'm short

of time and people have got

unrealistic expectations.

So they go along expecting

there to be a pig,

literally, as the doctor.

Dr Bell has published

an article arguing that...

Yeah, but I have seen an episode

of Thomas the Tank Engine,

where Thomas has got a nasty rash

and he doesn't go to the doctor

and his crankshaft fell off.

So..., who are you going to believe?

I'm just saying.

My three-year-old watched

Peppa Pig and was constantly

ringing the doctors asking

for an appointment.

You know, what is the name,

do you remember the name

of the doctor in Peppa Pig?

I don't remember.

Is it Doctor Locum?

Doctor Brown Bear.

Is that a bear?

Well no, no...

It is a drawing.

Anyone who uses a cucumber

as a phone should not be trusted.

Dr Bell takes issue

with Doctor Brown Bear's...

LAUGHTER.

In Pedro's Cough...

What does Doctor Brown Bear do?

He says, you're just

a little hoarse!

APPLAUSE.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Doctor Brown Bear makes an urgent

visit to the playgroup in a green

light car, with sirens.

What was Doctor Brown Bear's

response to these allegations?

GROWLS LIKE A BEAR.

APPLAUSE.

Unfortunately,

according to the BMJ...

Criticising the role

of Doctor Brown Bear in Peppa Pig,

the author of the report says...

Who gives a shit, it just shuts

the kids up for five minutes!

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Your four are, Lembit Opik,

the cast of Cats the musical,

the Vienna Chamber Orchestra

and Pharaoh Psamtik III.

She is balancing quite nicely.

LAUGHTER.

That takes some doing.

I am thinking Cats,

because I know that Lembit got bit

on the penis by a sausage

dog, didn't he?

Yes.

Did he really?

Oh, yeah.

You know a lot of interesting stuff.

Yeah.

You Google the right

stuff, you'll find it.

So, that is all I have got.

Well, everything is about cats

except Lembit, that is about dogs.

Try it the other way around.

Everything, as I said,

is about dogs except one

of them is about cats.

That is right.

Which one might it be?

It's not important.

Well Lembit, then, he is the odd one

out, because he was bitten

by a dog on his penis.

I didn't bite him, a dog did.

No, dogs are the common theme.

That is what I said the first time.

Cats.

Cats is the odd one out.

Cats is about cats.

That is what we said the first time.

No, no.

It is about cats, but Cats

isn't the odd one out.

What is happening?

Can we go back in time?

Go back in time and that

might give you a clue

to which one is the odd one out?

The Pharaoh.

There we go!

APPLAUSE.

They have all been interrupted

by dogs, apart from Pharaoh Psamtik

III who was interrupted by cats.

In what was called the Battle

of Pelusium, in 525 BC,

the Egyptian armies were marching

out towards the Persians

when the invading Army

deployed their secret weapon, cats.

The Egyptians saw cats as a sacred

animal, were too scared to attack

the enemy and ended up

losing the battle.

Fantastic!

Not a question you would normally

expect on a topical news quiz!

I suppose we have

only just translated

the hieroglyphics, have we?

How did a dog upstage

the Vienna Chamber Orchestra

in a recent performance?

It conducted the entire

works of Johann Strauss.

No, Bach, surely!

APPLAUSE.

It has got to be Bach.

A little more pedestrian,

let's have a look.

CLASSICAL MUSIC.

LAUGHTER.

APPLAUSE.

Lovely.

Labradors are known attention

seekers, have a look at what one did

to try and get on the news in Texas

earlier this year.

As far as the rest of the area...

Oh my God!

Look at that dog!

LAUGHTER.

That is so great.

Surely that is the same dog

on his way to Vienna!

He actually looks annoyed

that they are filming him!

According to The Mail,

a Broadway performance of Cats

was halted when an overexcited dog

in the audience broke free

from his owner and...

Tragically, the dog was quickly

brought under control

and the performance could continue.

Witnesses described the dog

as looking like a cross

between a Shih Tzu and a pug,

before realising that was

that was Andrew Lloyd

Webber.

LAUGHTER.

Time now for the

Missing Words round.

We start with...

Cooked his own dinner.

LAUGHTER.

This is the news that

a YouTube prankster,

who cemented his head

into a microwave has

sadly been rescued.

Next...

They nail it to your front door.

If they say, oh, that is lovely,

you shouldn't have?

If they throw you down a well.

Ian, you are nearly right...

Next...

Her reflection?

A prune?

You are a gran, aren't you?

I am.

A new gran.

You don't look like a prune!

No.

That's because I am

not your ordinary gran.

I don't think any gran is ordinary.

Hoping for a nice Christmas

present this year?

Sepp Blatter.

You're getting close?

The new statue of the legendary

footballer was unveiled this week,

but not everyone was impressed

with the likeness.

Let's have a look.

LAUGHTER.

And with that, the final scores are,

Paul and Angela have four,

but the winners are Ian

and Joe with five.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

Well done.

Before we go, there is just time

for the caption competition.

The Lords resist reform.

APPLAUSE.

And I leave you with news that

in Northumberland, evidence emerges,

fame and fortune have not been kind

to Billy Elliot.

At the World Swimming Championships

in Helsinki, there is another

sporting drug scandal as one

competitor tests

positive for helium.

And at a secret laboratory

in Westminster, the smile

lessons continue.

Good night.