Episode 9 Have I Got News for You

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Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You,

I'm Mel Giedroyc.

In the news this week,

shocking footage reveals that

not even the management

at the Sports Direct warehouse get

time for their lunch break.

In Saudi Arabia, traditionalists

worst fears are confirmed,

that letting women drive

on the roads was just

the thin end of the wedge.

And the BBC's Autumn Watch inundated

with complaints as new footage

captures all too vividly the savage

cruelty of nature.

On Ian's team tonight is a comedian

who was recently described by one

critic as hamster cheeked.

I disagree.

I think he's got a lovely bottom.

Please welcome Hal Cruttenden.

Hal.

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And with Paul tonight

is an award-winning writer whose

book, The Boy With The Topknot,

follows his parents lives

from rural Punjab to the steps

of the Wolverhampton tourist

office, whose staff surely

have the toughest job in the world.

Please welcome Sathnam Sanghera.

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And we start with

the biggest stories of the week.

Paul and Sathnam,

take a look at this.

Ah, yes, this is the

never ending story.

There is, oh, God, look

at him, there he is.

David Davis.

There's a photograph of the DUP.

And that's a man

getting very annoyed.

He can't believe it.

He's just lost out on a Kevin

Costner lookalike competition.

Yeah, so this is about the Irish

border, between Northern Ireland

and the Republic of Ireland.

It's got to be sorted

out before Sunday in

a couple of days' time,

so, and then it will

all be all right.

Nice.

Sathnam, anything?

So basically, this is Theresa May's

latest attempt to make Brexit

happen, even though she backed

Remain and she's been vetoed

by the DUP, who are for Brexit,

although they represent

Northern Ireland, which voted Remain

and the whole thing is being opposed

by Jeremy Corbyn who said

he was Remain but actually

is probably Brexit.

So Brexit is just going really well.

You make that sound incredibly easy.

It is, as David Davis said.

Is he the thickest man who's

ever lived, David Davis?

The thickest?

The thickest man who's ever lived.

I mean, there's probably other

thicker people but I can't think

of them at the moment.

Did you see his appearance

yesterday, well on Wednesday it was,

when he appeared in front

of a Parliamentary select

committee and said, oh, no,

we haven't done anything.

Nothing.

I know I said we'd done loads

of things, but you know, we haven't.

I secretly though...

No, don't, keep it a secret.

Oh, no.

Oh, sorry.

Were you about to say that

you secretly fancy him?

No, not fancy him.

I've always quite liked

his style, David Davis.

David Davis?!

What do you mean his style?

I've got a feeling, that

whole thing when he is,

you know, what is it,

all the tests they're

meant to be doing.

Impact assessments.

Yes.

I've got a feeling that he's

doing it to make sure

we all still have a lovely Christmas

and don't see the truth.

Do you know what I mean?

I just, I just can't think he's

got evil intentions.

And you call Davis the thickest man.

I withdraw my comment.

He had a very bad day,

even if you like him.

I think his argument

was that the parliament was asking

for impact assessments but actually

what he had was sectoral analysis,

so therefore he didn't

have to produce it.

And it's a bit like saying,

I haven't produced the homework

because you call it home work

but I call it ham work.

Even the stuff he had,

he said there is some enormous

document and that he's only read

the start of it and then gave up.

It's understandable

though because Brexit

is really boring, you know.

For me, more than anything else,

it feels like a really long

Indian wedding, you know?

You've been stuck in a marquee

in Luton for five days.

Your uncles are talking

about the buy-to-let market,

there's another five days to go

and basically you will do

anything to get out of it up

to and including agreeing to Brexit.

So, is it like a long

Indian divorce then?

Oh, we don't divorce.

Oh, right.

No.

This is indeed news that arguments

about boring old Brexit,

as you said, have been overshadowed

by arguments about scary

old Northern Ireland.

It all came up at lunch.

Really?

Very unpleasant.

Jean-Claude...

It was a celebratory lunch

and in the middle of it she gets

a phone call to say,

oh, sorry, you know

I said over starters that

I've agreed everything?

I haven't.

We are going home.

And that was it.

Arlene Foster phoned up, said "No",

which is a traditional

Northern Irish greeting.

My wife is from the Northern

Ireland Unionist community

and I would warn Theresa May,

you do not mess with these people.

I just, I've so many times

had my plans smashed.

Like what, Hal, like what?

Can I go for a curry

with Marcus and Simon?

No!

You know, it's...

I just think Theresa's going to end

up sleeping on the couch.

Does anyone know, what's

the difference between no

regulatory divergence and continued

regulatory alignment?

Divergence is what the DUP fear

in thinking that Northern Ireland

might be different in some way

than the rest of the UK,

which it is in lots of other ways

which they don't mind

in the slightest.

There's different laws there,

there's different regulations there,

not least the libel laws.

This is interesting now.

This is great.

This is great.

The DUP want to be close to the UK

on this issue but they don't

on things like gay marriage

and abortion, things that might drag

them out the 1950s.

Sorry, but I just said that to stick

it to the in-laws, really.

But, no, I do...

How's Christmas looking?

Awkward.

I might get very ill

and not be able to go.

What, according to The Times, is

Theresa May's fundamental problem?

I should know this, given

I work for the Times.

Yeah, come on, Sathnam.

I have no idea.

Fudge.

Fudge.

She's been trying to fudge her way

through the EU negotiations.

That's what negotiations

are, aren't they?

Exactly.

You know she's diabetic?

That's a slightly unfortunate

thing to pick up on.

There will be a fudge.

Just wait until this is on Dave.

This will all be laughed at.

What do the Labour Party

think should be done

in the EU negotiations?

They think they should keep very,

very quiet in case anyone notices

that they haven't got

an idea either.

You're absolutely right.

They are not saying

anything and according

to the Telegraph:

Oh dear.

I think John McDonnell will be

visiting them with his ice pick.

Who is the real architect of this

whole sorry ruddy mess?

Cameron.

David Cameron, yeah.

Dave.

Cambo.

He decided to gamble the country's

future on a referendum,

just to settle a pathetic argument

in his mental party.

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I think we send the letters

about BBC bias to you.

Would you like to see a baby that

looks like David Cameron?

Yeah, absolutely.

Come on, here we go.

That is Bobby Carter there,

a little baby who's been in the news

this week for his exceptional head

of Cameron-esque hair.

Fantastic hair.

Who is still raking

it in from the EU?

TOGETHER: Oh, Nigel Farage.

Oh, in unison, team.

He's got a pension now, hasn't he?

Yes, do you know how much?

Oh, £67,000 a year.

73,000.

73,000.

Do we play higher and lower?

He thinks his family shouldn't

suffer so he's very kindly decided

to take this pension from the EU.

Yes.

I don't remember that figure

on the side of the bus, do you?

I hardly dare ask this, but, Hal,

do you quite like Nigel Farage?

Do you know what, can I say one

thing about Nigel Farage?

He has the voice of

an angel, doesn't he?

It's quite gravelly.

It's quite gravelly.

Do angels have particularly

gravelly voices?

Mary, you're going to have a baby,

do you know what I mean?

Now, Joseph, he ain't the father,

but, you know, keep him

sweet, keep him sweet.

He's going to be the son of God,

you're going to call him Jesus.

Must go.

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Um, although...

News just in,

the government has just

proposed a draft agreement

and they are discussing it

with the DUP as we speak.

Has it all been settled?

Oh, thank goodness for that.

All that cynicism.

Quite right.

Good old Mrs May, sorted it out.

The EU Commission said

talks would continue

into the night, adding,

tonight, more than ever, stay tuned.

This is Theresa May's attempt

to ruin the Good Friday Agreement

with the Really Bad Monday

Agreement.

A senior DUP figure said:

Well,

to be fair, when talking

about Brexit, that's

just about the only way

you can stay awake.

After Nigel Farage revealed

that he intends to claim his EU

pension of £73,000 a year, he denied

he was a hypocrite, saying:

So, in the festive spirit,

let's pull out his giblets and shove

an onion up his arse.

Ian and Hal, take a look at this.

Yes, this is people logging

into important sites, Private.

That's a magazine with

one word left off it.

Oh, here we are.

It's the police.

Time to invade the House of Commons.

This is how policing

in Britain works.

A man was apparently accessing porn

nine years ago, legally,

and the police found this out,

waited and then released

the information which was

confidential into the public domain

later for their own purposes.

The policeman was called Bob Quick,

which given he took nine

years to report this...

It's all so slightly pornographic,

Bob Quick, isn't it?

It's what you need to be if you're

watching porn at work, isn't it?

No, you're absolutely

right, Ian and Hal.

This is the ongoing scandal over

claims pornography was found

on Damian Green's House

of Commons computer.

Neil Lewis, who was responsible

for seizing and analysing Green's

computer at the time,

sparked controversy this week

after disclosing confidential

information gathered

during the investigation.

Lewis said he found:

Which,

does sound a bit weird,

but if it's what you're

into and it's not harming anyone,

then I'm cool with that.

Why are Damian Green's

troubles particularly

difficult for Theresa May?

She was very good friends

with him at university.

And that's it, isn't it?

You know, Jesus, she's very

close to him politically.

So if he isn't fired,

people might say it's

because he was her good friend.

A Cabinet source told

the Sunday Times:

I bet

that was on one of the videos.

Sorry.

And we should say that Damian Green

is adamant he has:

How might

Jeremy Corbyn find himself near some

pornography very soon?

Oh, you mean if GQ is

displayed on the top shelf.

Yes, he is on the cover of GQ.

This is Jeremy Corbyn.

Ding-dong, Jeremy!

Look at that.

Do you think that his real body

or have they superimposed his head?

He does come out very

well, doesn't he?

A very attractive man.

Do you think he's been airbrushed.

I think he might have been

a little touched up.

Do you want to have a look

at the original picture?

According to editor Dylan Jones,

taking the picture was:

Dylan Jones, by the way,

wrote the most sycophantic book

about David Cameron in the history

of sycophantic books.

He is a bit of a right winger.

Do you think they did it hoping it

would backfire, so they did him up,

thought they'd make him look

ridiculous, and actually he turns

out to be a bit of a stunner?

It's a strange editorial approach,

putting people on the cover,

just to laugh at them.

Really?

I mean...

There's no future in that.

It'll never work.

Yes, this is the ongoing scandal

over claims pornography was found

on Damian Green's office computer.

You may not believe this,

but while I was researching this

story about Damian Green,

pornographic images

and the Metropolitan Police,

someone actually sent me

a dick pic, which I'm

going to share with you now.

Commissioner Cressida Dick

there, doing a fine job.

Also this week, the Social Mobility

Commission resigned en masse,

saying that the Prime Minister

was failing in her bid

to build a fairer Britain.

When she came to power,

Theresa May promised to help those

who found themselves

just about managing.

Little knowing that one year

on, that would be her.

Right, and so to round two.

The picture spin quiz.

Fingers hovering over

the buzzers teams, please.

This is Donald Trump having

sorted out gun control

in America and health care.

He has now decided to sort

out the Middle East.

And I'm sure the man who can't even

find Theresa May on Twitter

is capable of sorting out one

of the most deeply entrenched

political problems in human history.

He has united almost

the entire world though.

Yes.

Against him.

Against him, yes.

This is the news that

the United States have formally

recognised Jerusalem as Israel's

capital city and plan

to relocate their embassy there.

How has this gone down with other

middle eastern powers?

It's a huge button

in the last 50 years.

Don't press it.

Trump goes, oh yeah, bang.

I'm hoping this embassy

is a bit like the wall.

A sort of invisible...

It in his head, largely.

It in his head, yeah.

Also, you've got to get someone

to build an embassy in Jerusalem.

Anybody fancy that

as a construction job?

Let's get the locals to do it...

No, I don't think so.

I know, let's get some

Mexicans to build it.

No, there's been a lot of reactions

from other Middle Eastern powers.

The Palestinians have called

it the kiss of death

for the peace process.

Turkey said it would plunge

the region and the world into a fire

with no end in sight,

while the Organisation

for Islamic Cooperation have accused

Trump of naked aggression.

Which I don't think really,

no one wants to see that, Donald.

Please!

Trump made an announcement

at the White House.

What did some viewers

think his speech revealed about him?

That he has dementia?

So close the word.

It's not dementia, it's denture.

Oh, wow.

They think he might have dentures.

Let's have a look.

The message I delivered

at the historic and extraordinary

summit in Shaudi Arabia...

I ask the leaders of the region,

political and religious...

God bless the United Shtates,

thank you very much.

It almost looked there like

Mike Pence is working his hands.

He's got his hands up his jacket

and he's doing that, and that.

There's something going on with

the bottom rung though isn't there?

Are you suggesting it's the teeth

that are actually making the speech?

He's somehow prisoner

of his own canines?

He's got the teeth of Hitler.

I can see the film now.

They saved Hitler's teeth and bunged

them in Trump's mouth.

He probably wanted to say,

I just wish you all a happy

Christmas and it all came out

as you know...

Wah, wah, wah.

Why is Trump doing this now?

Why now?

He's having certain problems

with a man called Flynn and this

week he seems to have tweeted

and landed himself

into a load of trouble.

Some people are saying he's actually

admitted to obstructing

justice, inadvertently.

And his staff's defence

of this is that he didn't

actually write the tweet.

Yes, it's quite ironic that this man

who treats his innermost thoughts,

Yes, it's quite ironic that this man

who tweets his innermost thoughts,

may have accidentally shot himself

in the foot because he said

that the reason I had to sack

Flynn was because he lied

to the FBI.

Yes.

And then the next day

after sacking Flynn,

he then had a meeting with the head

of the FBI where he told him to drop

the case, which would be

an obstruction of justice,

if he knew he'd lied to the FBI.

The tweet actually said...

Which admittedly does sound

like the words of a top

criminal defence lawyer.

If you go back to that tweet

for a moment as well,

there's a point somebody

else has made.

That when he has said pled,

lawyers don't say pled,

they use the word pleaded.

Yes.

Pled is odd, isn't it?

It's his teeth.

He was trying to type pleaded,

but it's impossible

with those dentures.

He's got the teeth of Hitler

and the hands of Mussolini.

Why does it not really

matter whether Trump's

sent the tweet or not?

Because we are all going

to die in World War III.

According to Trump's legal team,

as Trump is the country's chief law

enforcement officer,

he cannot obstruct justice.

That's what Nixon

tried to say as well.

So when you are sort

of quoting Nixon's defence.

Why might Hillary Clinton be happy

and bobbish at the moment?

Because Flynn led the chorus

of lock her up, lock her up.

Let's have a look.

Lock her up.

That's right.

Yes, that's right, lock her up.

I'm going to tell you what,

it's unbelievable.

It's unbelievable.

If I did a tenth,

a tenth of what she did,

I would be in jail today.

This is Donald Trump's

latest attempt to bring

lasting peace to the world.

One of many people to

condemn Trump's position

on Jerusalem was Pope Francis.

Mind you, the Pope's never really

liked the president ever

since their first meeting when Trump

saw a flash of white dress and

plunged forward for a quick grab.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Oh, there's a guy who is to show how

Trip Advisor can be manipulated.

Just got all his friends

to save this, whatever

the restaurant was called,

Marco's spaghetti

house or something.

The Shed.

The Shed, was it Shed?

And so to tweet about it and said

this was really good.

It got to the top of Trip Advisor,

but it actually didn't exist.

Absolutely right, Paul.

This is the news that a fake

restaurant, in a shed became

London's number one rated eatery

on Trip Advisor.

How did The Shed at

Dulwich describe itself?

Fusion.

Bit more pretentious.

The Chateauneuf do Pap had

an aroma of creosote.

Its fake website

explained they don't

have a traditional menu per se.

Instead of meals are menu

is comprised of moods.

Here are some pictures uploaded

to the Trip Advisor website.

Can you guess what this is?

It's creme brulee,

or something is it?

Is its salmon?

It's actually a bleach

tablet covered in honey,

shaving foam and pepper.

And what do you think this food is?

A rabbit has been

over that, hasn't it?

No, it's a sponge, covered in paint

with shaving foam and coffee beans.

And finally, what is this?

Is it like the stuff on it is like

from the bottom of the feet

when you rub your feet...

Joke shop egg.

This is an egg on a foot.

In other fake food news,

popular meat substitute manufacturer

Quorn have been criticised

for their packaging this week.

Dan Douglas bought some mini Quorn

sausage rolls and then tweeted...

The sausage rolls claim to be

a pack of 12, but then Dan

read the small print.

12 mini rolls when cut into fours.

That is brilliant.

It is brilliant.

Time now for the odd one out around.

You're four are...

Piers Morgan.

Vicki Pipe and Jeff Marshall.

A demolition company in Detroit,

and a Belgian performance artist,

Mikish Popper, who is called

Mike Popper, but I like

saying Mikish Popper.

OK, Piers Morgan at the top

there seems to be eating toast,

maybe he's choking on the toast.

The demolition company in Detroit.

They failed to blow up a stadium.

It's got to be that, hasn't it,

because there wouldn't be any story

in they did blow up a stadium.

Unless of course, they hadn't been

commissioned to do that.

So yes, let's go with that then,

let's say they didn't

blow up the stadium.

And that couple I think

have an ambition to visit every

railway station in Britain.

So is it about people

who want to be completist?

Obviously Piers Morgan wants

to annoy every person in Britain.

So he's achieved that.

Three of them have achieved

complete missions, where

as the Detroit company failed.

That's not a bad answer,

we'll go with that.

It's so close.

You might as well give

us the points then.

It's actually more

about failure, guys.

It's more about failure.

So Piers Morgan failed

to choke himself to death,

despite sponsorship.

The people at the top failed

to visit every railway station.

No, they went to visit

every railway station,

so they are the odd one out

because they succeeded

and everybody else failed?

Yes, absolutely right.

They've all failed to complete

a task, apart from Vicky Pipe

and Jeff Marshall, who succeeded

in their task to visit every train

station in Britain this summer.

I bet they didn't mean to.

It's not that interesting

thing to do though is it?

I suppose it is, but you wouldn't

want to spend Christmas

with them, would you?

They are so nice.

Not when you can have

David Davis come round.

That would be a real

treat wouldn't it?

You wouldn't know

what to stuff first.

Let's move on with the failures.

Piers Morgan was hired to turn

on the Christmas lights

in Stockbridge in Hampshire.

After the Christmas lights

in Stockbridge failed to come

on, Piers claimed...

Of course, the real failure

was not connecting the live

wire to Piers' genitals.

Let's have a look at Piers' failing.

OK, here we go Stockbridge,

are you ready for this?

CROWD: Yes!

Count after me, five...

CROWD: Five, four,

three, two, one...

Let's go.

CROWD: Yay...

LAUGHTER.

We must focus on the other failure.

Mike Popper, do you know

what he failed that?

Was he going to cover his entire

body in gold foil...

Ran out of foil?

No.

So it's got nothing to do

with what we're looking at then?

No, it really hasn't.

No.

It's going to be difficult for us

to get it then isn't it?

He chained himself to an enormous

block of marble, from which he tried

to sort of chisel himself out

and after his 19 day ordeal.

19 days?

Yeah.

He told the Telegraph...

Vicky Pipe and Jeff Marshall spent

15 weeks this summer visiting every

single one of Britain's railway

stations by train.

To pay for their railway

journey to every station,

they crowd funded £38,000.

That got them as far

as Manchester in peak time.

After that, they were on their own.

Piers Morgan's attempts to turn

on the Christmas lights

in Stockbridge was unsuccessful.

This is an odd failure for a man

who can normally light up

a room just by leaving it.

Time now for the missing words

round and we start with...

And could even hold down a job

in the government making

David Davis look like the...

LAUGHTER DROWNS out SPEECH.

..That he actually is.

It's actually understand

the concept of space and time.

Yeah, time is very

important for pigeons.

One hour 40 at gas mark five

and they are delicious.

Next, what...

The bootleg suffragettes?

It's all female Big Brother.

To celebrate 100 years

of women's suffrage,

Channel 5 have announced

they will be running a female only

Celebrity Big Brother in January.

When the producer was asked

to comment on the series, he said,

it's a great step forward

for the feminist movement.

And I bet they keep the house

is nice and tidy too.

Finally...

She what?

Shat herself.

Grabs wrong end of the dog.

This is good, let's have a look

at this important moment.

LAUGHTER.

Oh!

So the final scores are Ian

and Hal have three points.

Paul and Satnam have nine points.

APPLAUSE.

And I leave you with news that

in Sussex, locals realised that

Southern Rail are already operating

on a Christmas timetable.

At the launch of a new iPhone

charger, Apple will once again

create a product incompatible

with anything else.

And in New York, evidence

emerges that once a year,

like other reptiles,

Donald Trump sheds his skin.

Good night.

APPLAUSE.