Episode 8 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE.

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Katherine Ryan.

In the news this week...

Looking to boost her

public profile in 2018,

Labour's Emily Thornberry doesn't

hold back at the Strictly

Come Dancing auditions.

At a department store in Leicester,

there's evidence that the boss's son

may not be taking his work

experience seriously enough.

And in London, there are fears

the RSPCA may have developed

a paramilitary wing.

On Ian's team tonight is a writer

and co-presenter of Pointless whose

many talents include TV production,

appearing on quiz shows

and pretending to enjoy Alexander

Armstrong's Christmas album.

Please welcome Richard Osman!

Hiya.

APPLAUSE.

And with Paul tonight,

an actor and comedian whose Fringe

show was described as "one

of the most breath-taking monologues

you'll see in Edinburgh".

Well, unless you've ever tried

to pay a Scottish taxi driver

with an English tenner.

Please welcome Desiree Burch.

APPLAUSE.

And we start with the bigger

stories of the week.

Paul and Desiree,

take a look at this.

Ah, yes, a town crier.

This is about one of the happier

unions between this

country and America.

There is the Royal Family

out on a night out.

Yes, this is good news

for the Royal Family and Royal

watchers that Prince Harry

and Meghan, is it?

Are getting married next year.

You must be the only person

who doesn't know her name.

Yeah, I kind of sort of haven't been

following it, to be honest.

Meghan something.

Markle.

Really?

Yes, she's Chancellor of Germany.

And she's also a little old lady

detective who solves crimes.

Oh, yes.

He's getting married

to Margaret Rutherford.

So, yeah, they're getting married

in May because there's

a baby due in April.

His brother is having a baby.

His brother's having a baby?

They've moved on!

Quite progressive now.

Exactly, yes.

William and the one he's married to.

He's married to Poirot.

That's the one, Poirot, yeah.

How have you avoided this big news?

Well, because I don't

live next door to them,

I can sort of turn the TV off

when it comes on.

You don't feel like

partaking in their joy?

No...

Some people have said, there's

things going on in the world,

why are people going on about it?

I genuinely think, as a country,

we have seen that little boy up

and he lost his mum and he's turned

into this rather mischievous,

naughty, sort of funny,

kind boy and he's obviously met

someone lovely and

is getting married.

And I think, if you can't take

a bit of joy at that,

what can you take joy at?

That's nice, Richard.

APPLAUSE.

Can I just say, you've

all lost your edge?

I'm disappointed in you.

It's just nice that it's

not Brexit or Trump.

I know that's the next

two rounds, but...

It's a short break.

It's a fantasy holiday.

So is that the right answer?

It is!

This is further evidence

of the acceptance of minority ethnic

people, as a beautiful American

actress is set to wed

a ginger person.

Here's the thing I don't get.

Because when I was reading all

of the million stories about them,

it said that they met

on a blind date.

How do you go on a blind

date with a prince?

It's like, OK, so tell

me more about him.

Well, OK, he's a redhead,

I know you like that.

What does he do for a living?

Well, he was in the military

but then he's now just kind

of living off the state.

Well, in America they had

an entire reality show,

something to the effect

of Who Wants To Marry Harry?

And they had all these women,

Bachelor-style, vying for the tiara

and they just stick in any

old random ginger actor

and they believed it was him!

They were like, I think I'm

the one to be the Princess,

I really like Harry.

They didn't know.

I lost a long-standing bet

that he was going to get

married to a Kardashian.

I'm gutted!

I thought it would've been lovely

to unite the two great Houses.

Which one do you feel

like he would marry?

Umm...

Name them for me.

Obviously the press devoted a lot

of pages to the story.

The Mail went with,

"The Stars Were All Aligned".

The Express went with,

"The Look Of Love".

The Sun? "She's The One!"

But The Star went with,

"Let's All Have It Orf!"

What is that?

It's a posh way of saying "off".

It's orf.

Let's have it orf.

Suggesting a Bank Holiday,

which we're not gonna have.

Oh, really?

Yeah, seems a shame.

I tell you what, you'd have the day

off if you get invited, though.

This would be a good

place to pitch for that.

Yeah...

You've done a very good

pronunciation of "orf".

Somehow I feel my invite

won't be on the way.

Wait, you get a holiday

when Royals get married?

You get to have the day off

to watch it on television?

That's why we've got them.

It's not always a day off.

But Theresa May could have let us

have a holiday anyway.

Like the whole week off,

because she won't be around

in the spring to worry

about it anyway.

How did Jeremy Corbyn

express his delight at the news?

He sang.

# Oh, Meghan Merkel...

I'm just hearing an invitation

being ripped up.

Jeremy tried to express his delight

at the news but he was betrayed

by typical BBC anti-Corbyn bias.

When he meant to say how much

he admired Harry and his brother,

the subtitles machine had Corbyn

as saying, "He really admired

Harry and Hezbollah".

What does the immediate

future hold for Meghan?

They've got to decide whose

to go to for Christmas.

Is it Balmoral or is it...

Where's she from?

Well, she's from LA and her

dad lives in Mexico.

So definitely go see her side

of the family for the holidays.

I imagine they'll be

going to Balmoral, that's my guess.

I imagine the Queen

will have put her foot down.

MANCUNIAN ACCENT: You're coming

to Balmoral with us, alright?

I told you 14 times,

you're not going to Mexico!

Right, put on a paper hat and

pretend you're enjoying yourself.

I love the fact that

the Royal Family put

on crowns on Christmas Day!

Well, Meghan will get to see at all.

She'll have to spend

Christmas with the entire

Royal Family at Sandringham,

where, according to The Telegraph...

Maybe they'll play a board game?

Pointless, maybe, Richard?

The board game is not great,

I'm gonna honest with you.

That's the first non-advert

I've ever heard!

Meghan is a big fan of Pointless,

did you know that?

I did not know that.

Here she is on an American chat show

appearance where she insisted

on this as her walk-on music.

Please welcome the lovely

Meghan Markle, everybody!

POINTLESS THEME PLAYS.

Wow!

You look sensational!

Are you allowed to say

that on television?

She seems to have forgotten

to wear her trousers.

The audience were obviously very

disappointed that it wasn't Richard

walking out on stage.

Oh, yeah, they'd have loved that!

It's the Pointless music!

I know it is.

I'm ready to go, I'm ready to record

four shows, let's do it!

Well, she does look sensational,

she looks sensational.

Yeah, she does look fantastic.

I don't understand how you get

the right balance of nutrients to be

that thin but have that

much glossy hair.

I can fill you in.

This is very happy news

that Prince Harry is to

marry his first wife.

Meghan Markle's Instagram site

proudly displays her feminist

credentials with this motto...

In a way, she has smashed

through a glass ceiling.

30 years ago, Prince Philip

would have been making jokes

about people of colour,

now he's got one

in the Secret Santa.

Ian and Richard,

take a look at this.

There's a turkey.

That's the internet, I presume.

Yeah, Trump.

His life continues to be

a cross between Last

Of The Summer Wine and The Omen.

He's retweeted some stuff

in the middle of the night.

Which is what he does.

Is that the story?

It is!

Trump retweeted a clip

and it was captioned...

Dutch officials have made it very

clear the assailant in the video

was neither Muslim nor a migrant.

Other videos had a similar theme

and were also questionably labelled.

Who had tweeted these

videos in the first place?

Well, it was this Britain

First organisation.

They're fringe fascists and they put

together this stuff.

But this is what Isis does.

It gets video clips out of context,

chops them up and then uses them

to try and brainwash people.

It's doing exactly the same thing.

And you're the President of

the United States and you do that.

Late at night, in your underpants,

looking at the television.

I have no evidence for that.

You have no evidence?

That is fake news.

He's probably wearing pyjamas.

They're suggesting now,

because of these things

that he retweeted and then he had

a go at Theresa May

as well, that they should

cancel the State visit.

My view would be, bring it on!

Let's have him over here.

Let's make that a Bank Holiday.

APPLAUSE.

Imagine that.

Imagine those streets.

Young and old, Muslim, Christian,

lining every street in Britain,

booing an orange racist.

That would be amazing.

I saw what you guys

did to David Blaine.

There was a Labour MP that said

he should come and he should be

arrested for inciting racial hatred.

Now wouldn't that be a story?

Arresting the President

of the United States of America.

I bet the US wouldn't

extradite him either!

Keep him.

All yours.

We've never heard of him.

Prime Minister Theresa May released

a statement criticising Trump's

actions and accusing Britain First

of peddling lies.

How did Trump respond?

He was very rude to her.

And he said, you concentrate

on the Islamic terror in your midst.

He tweeted the wrong

Theresa May at first.

It was another Theresa May.

I'm not sure who she is.

It's a woman with six followers,

it's not our Prime Minister.

That is our Prime Minister!

APPLAUSE.

Do you feel that Theresa May needs

to stay on the right side of Trump?

Don't we need someone

to trade with after Brexit?

Oh, we've got loads of people...

We're going to re-establish our

close ties with the Philippines.

We've got a big deal

coming up with Narnia.

All you've got to do

is find the right wardrobe,

we've always said.

But on the subject of Brexit,

it looks like the Brexit bill

will be 50 billion euros.

Is everybody happy about that?

Is this what people voted for?

They were told a year ago it

would be 50 billion.

Boris said, no, we're not

going to pay a penny.

That's a clue, when he says that.

But it's true, we're not

going to pay a penny.

And that they can go and whistle.

Which they then whistled,

and we came running and gave them

a cheque for 50 billion.

Wait, this is £50 billion or euros?

About the same thing.

If you work that out,

it's a tiny price to pay.

That's, like, three bottles

of coconut water from Waitrose.

It was always going

to be 50 billion.

Everyone knew.

They could have just paid it

immediately but weren't allowed

to because it looked bad.

Just think, look, don't do Article

50 so you give yourself all the time

in the world to negotiate.

Get the legal stuff out of the way,

get that done, and then

you start negotiating.

That's how to negotiate.

There's absolutely no reason why

you can't have a successful Brexit,

but not the way they're doing it.

You're wasted in television.

I often am, yeah.

APPLAUSE.

Theresa May will hope the final

offer on payment will show that

sufficient progress has been made

for the EU to begin trade talks,

but what might scupper this plan?

This is the next problem,

the Irish border.

But they'll come to some

sort of compromise.

We're very good at that.

Perhaps they'll build a wall

and make Bono pay for it.

Even cheaper, just get

Jedward to stand there.

We'll all be micro-chipped soon.

My cat has a microchip

so that the cat flap

only opens for him.

Are you suggesting we micro-chip

the entire population

of Northern Ireland?

I'm not suggesting,

I'm saying it's coming!

Back to Trump.

What is Donald Trump doing

to celebrate Christmas?

Is this the awful, ugly

Christmas decorations?

I mean, Melania thinks

they're very beautiful!

HEAVY ACCENT: "Oh, no, me, Melania,

number one lady of USA."

Yeah, she's helping to get

ready for Christmas.

But some people say she's not quite

captured the festive spirit.

Let's have a look.

I mean, if a child drew that

in crayon, you would take

them straight into care.

We should do a Kickstarter to go

and save her, shouldn't we?

Helicopter her out.

The whole thing...

We don't have a clip of it

but there are ballerinas

just dancing for her.

She's stood there.

If it were any more Freudian,

she'd just be in a withered

chair in the corner,

rocking back and forth.

Just her face, you know that

contractually obliged handjob

is around the corner.

That's probably the best way to do

it, when you're around the corner.

Shall we move away from

this troubling subject?

Yeah.

Someone has genuinely made

and sells this online.

From the trees rose a resounding

voice, "I fear nothing,

"I come when the trumpet sounds.

"I am the storm, the great

American grizzly".

Introducing the original

Trumpy Bear, the fearless super

plush American grizzly.

Trumpy Bear was born

June 14, Flag Day.

Just find the secret zipper

and pull out the American

flag themed blanket.

God bless America and got

God bless Trumpy Bear.

You know, there's nothing

like making you feel like a patriot

as you pull your country's flag

out of a bear's arse.

Does it every time for me.

You could hide a gun back there.

It's always about hiding guns.

They should fix that amendment,

the right of bears to be armed.

LAUGHTER

Pretty good.

I would really like

one of those bears.

I'm going to go on record as saying

it because it's before Christmas

and there'll be people at home

thinking what to get me.

You're gonna get 75

of those bears now.

I would kind of love one.

What would you do

with a Trumpy Bear?

Oh, I don't know.

I'd probably impeach it.

LAUGHTER

This is Donald Trump

who has somehow managed to tweet

something even more stupid

and offensive than his own thoughts.

Despite the current furore,

President Trump...

Oh wait, no!

Woo!

Despite the current furore,

President Trump is still...

Fuhrer?

LAUGHTER

That's the best Freudian

slip I've ever seen.

I read it wrong.

Despite the current furore,

President Trump is still scheduled

to make a transatlantic

trip next year.

He'll visit Britain First.

Then the EDL, finishing

off with the BNP.

And so to round two -

the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Desiree.

This is this really old dumb guy

who wants to, like, go in a rocket.

Richard Branson?

LAUGHTER

Yes, but even Branson knows

that the world is round.

And this guy doesn't.

It does say research Flat Earth.

So you're saying that he thinks

the Earth is flat and he's built

a rocket to prove it?

To research it.

Uh-uh.

Yes.

This is the news we'll have to wait

a little bit longer to know for sure

if the Earth is round or flat,

after an important

experiment was postponed.

Who was behind the mission?

His name's like Mad

Max or something.

but, like, not.

It's something like

that, like mad...

Mad Mike.

There you go.

What has Mad Mike been up

to in his garage recently?

Presumably he's been

building a rocket.

Yeah.

Is that not the answer

we were looking for?

That's the answer.

Yeah, brilliant.

You're so good.

He has been building a steam powered

rocket from scrap metal...

Steam powered?

Yes.

He was meant to launch the rocket,

with him in it, last Saturday.

Why didn't it go to plan?

He's been sectioned.

LAUGHTER

The California Bureau

of Land Management did not

give him the right permits.

Mike told Youtube:

LAUGHTER

I mean, I hate to say it.

But I'm starting to lose

confidence in Mad Mike.

How has tech-genius

Elon Musk got into a debate

with the Flat Earth Society?

My son was telling me the other day

that the Flat Earth Society had

a tweet saying, "We're proud to have

members around the globe".

LAUGHTER

Yes, they do.

I think Elon Musk tweeted,

he said, "Explain to me,

Flat Earth Society,

why Mars isn't flat".

Yes, Elon Musk said:

Wow.

Meanwhile, who was recently

discovered to have been

using witchcraft in modern Britain?

And what for?

Oh, the water authorities.

Yeah.

There was a story last week,

about nine out of 11 water

authorities still use dowsing rods

to try and find water underground.

And these are the people

who are experts in searching

for water, so presumably they're

getting some kind of result

otherwise they wouldn't bother.

Some people have an explanation.

Some scientists say the rods

are made to move by subconscious

movement of the hand called

the "ideomotor effect".

That's how Trump tweets, as well.

So it's just like

a water ouija board?

Yes, it is like a ouija board.

Oh, OK.

It explains ouija boards

and why 5 million people

still watch The One Show.

Don't start having a go

at The One Show, come on.

I know.

You're better than that.

We appeared in it together.

It was a magical evening.

Yes, with Seal.

And someone came on just

before Seal and said,

"Seal doesn't shake hands,

Seal doesn't shake hands".

He was like this.

Who's Seal?

Seal is the...

Is the...

You usually know him by his first

two names, Lord Privy.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I'm with you now.

Not every UK water company

employs water diviners.

A spokesman for Anglia Water said:

LAUGHTER

Though it turns out that's

what they call telephones.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Just one between you this week,

so fingers on buzzers.

Your four are: The BBC's news

bulletin from 18th April 1930.

The 6'5" Joyfay giant teddy bear.

The Middle of the World

Monument in Ecuador.

And Charles the Bald.

BUZZER

Paul and Desiree.

Sorry about that, what's your name?

Ian.

I've got a feeling that just

looking at this thing

from April 1930, the BBC.

Wasn't there a day in the history

of the BBC where they said

there is no news today?

Yes, and they said,

listen to some music.

Yes, yes.

Is that the one?

That is part of it.

So that's something that the news

broadcaster wasn't.

Charles the Bald

presumably wasn't bald.

A lot of people are called

bald who aren't at all.

LAUGHTER

Just move move your head

a minute, the light's

shining right in my eyes.

LAUGHTER

That's probably not

the actual middle of the Earth.

No, that's probably not the middle

of the Earth either,

but it's the most convenient place

because it was near where

they made the bricks.

Charles the Bald is who

they named the airport

after in Paris, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

They claim that to be the biggest

teddy bear in the world

but it probably isn't,

so it's about things that claim

to be what they are but aren't.

The teddy bear is the

biggest teddy bear.

BUZZER

Is the teddy bear the odd one out?

A six foot five teddy bear

is my tinder profile.

It's the only one that fits.

Are you six foot five exactly?

Like the bear.

No, I'm six foot seven,

so it doesn't work at all.

None of them are as described

except for the Joyfay six foot

five giant teddy bear,

but how did the giant bear

catch people unaware?

Richard Osman hopped out of it.

And said, "I'm here for our date".

"This thing is two

inches too small!".

That's what she said.

Woo!

Here's the promo shot

of the normal bear.

And here's what customers got.

LAUGHTER

He's had a rough night, hasn't he?

That is literally me

after a bottle of Baileys.

Who was this bear originally aimed

at, which target market?

Men who want to have sex with bears.

Very close.

Women who want to

have sex with bears.

Bears that want to

have sex with bears.

That's just bears, isn't it?

That is bears.

That is bears.

It was originally a Valentines

gift that was kind of

a replacement for a boyfriend.

Well, none of them are as described,

except for the Joyfay six foot

five giant teddy bear.

On the 18th of April, 1930,

a BBC radio announcer actually said,

"There is no news".

A day when literally

nothing happened.

Welcome to Canada every single day.

Time now for the

Missing Words round.

Which this week features

as its guest publication

Pathetic Motorways.

It's quite a middle-of-the-road

publication...

To start with:

Sir Alexander Armstrong.

You'd love that,

wouldn't you, Richard?

I'm a big fan of his music.

And his voice.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It is, inexplicably, a cement mixer.

The mixer is a favourite

instrument of experimental

musician, Jean-Herve Peron.

Let's see him churning out one

of his greatest hits.

Has it been tuned?

LAUGHTER

That was God rest ye

Merry Cemententlemen.

Next.

Travelling in a rocket to figure out

if the world's flat or not.

Staplehurst to Charing Cross, 652.

Yeah, it's got to be

a motorway one, hasn't it?

The M6 to the M7.

You're right with M.

LAUGHTER

One.

It's the trip down the M180.

Oh, we'd have been here a long time.

This is the M180, which is largely

in Lincolnshire, although:

Only to hear the

traditional Yorkshire

response, "Sod off

back to Lincolnshire".

Finally, anger after...

Is that how they talk in Yorkshire?

LAUGHTER

Well, I can't do the accent...

"Oh, oh no, I live in Yorkshire".

LAUGHTER

I think you're mixing it

up with sex offenders.

Just be lucky that I don't

have a Canadian one.

I really don't.

Cos those are bad.

I'll do the rest of

the show in Canadian.

OK, fair enough.

Anger after woman is told

she can't what on...?

That's a Yorkshire accent.

That's a Yorkshire.

OK, let's go back to what it was.

OK.

Is it, take a dump on Sunderland?

LAUGHTER

It is:

Here is Helen Hook

with the offending item.

oh, she should be allowed

to take that on board.

What is it?

Like a Geordie hummus?

LAUGHTER

I know it's made with high

explosive, I know that.

That's the only thing

I know about it.

She's very upset about it, though.

Look how upset she is.

She's like, "I've got a shot glass

of Geordie hummus and..."

"I was gonna dump this

all over Sunderland".

LAUGHTER

That's the one accent

that's my favourite,

that I also can't do.

I'm going to learn it one day.

It's about the hardest one,

the Geordie accent.

I can go, "Hey,

it's me, Cheryl Cole.

"The nation's sweetheart".

One way of doing it is to be able

to mention two Walt Disney

characters, Mickey Mouse and Pluto.

LAUGHTER

Or if you're into

wrestling you can do

Mick McManus and Kendo Nagasaki.

Yeah.

Even better, even better.

LAUGHTER

Kendo Nagasaki.

And is that why they can't eat solid

food because they have like a...?

Very tight back there.

So, the final scores are,

Paul and Desiree have seven.

Ian and Richard have five.

APPLAUSE

But before we go, there's just time

for the Caption Competition.

It's the government's

new affordable housing.

I can't wait for our giant

teddy bear to turn up.

LAUGHTER

That is literally a picture

of me and my partner.

You're like a Great Dane crossed

with Stephen Hawking.

You know.

That must been a hell of a romance.

Really like, long and lean,

but really clever, as well.

Is it time for the rest of us to go?

LAUGHTER

I thought that was

a nice thing to say.

Yeah.

I tell you what, I'll think of a dog

and a scientist who you're

like and we'll see if that's funny.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You're like Marie Curie

and a miniature schnauzer.

And I leave you with news that

in Myanmar, after a personal

audience with Aung San Suu Ki,

Pope Francis insists she listened

carefully to all of his criticisms.

In the middle of a recording

of Pointless, an opportunistic

thief makes off with

Richard Osman's bicycle.

I'd like to see a Great

Dane riding that.

Or indeed Stephen Hawking.

LAUGHTER

And in Italy, Silvio

Berlusconi looks to move

on from past misdemeanours,

as he relaunches himself

as a serious leadership contender.

Goodnight.