Episode 7 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Stephen Mangan.

In the news this week:

As he arrives at 10 Downing Street,

David Davis suddenly sees

Michel Barnier's car parked outside.

Despite Lord Ashcroft's insistence

that Belize is his main residence,

questions are raised as to how long

he actually spends there.

And in a TV studio in London,

after an item about the drug spice,

the producers wonder what happened

to the sample that was lying around.

On Ian's team tonight

is a journalist and TV presenter

who was one of the host's of the BBC

special EU Referendum,

The Result.

Don't tell me what happened,

I've still not watched it.

Please welcome - Steph McGovern.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian

who was once in a band that she says

went nowhere due to a lack of

songs, musical ability and talent.

I didn't know she used

to be in Steps.

Please welcome, Jo Caulfield.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger

stories of the week.

Paul and Jo, take a look at this.

Wake up, time for a coup.

That's the sort of thing you can

wear when you're a dictator,

nobody would dare tell you.

Happy.

Yeah, dance in the streets.

Oh!

Couldn't do that when

Mugabe was in charge.

And that's a crocodile.

When Mugabe first came

to power in 1980, there

was a joke which I think was

on the northern working men's club

circuit, which I

haven't heard since.

But the joke was that

Mugabe was actually

a Yorkshireman in reverse.

Cos if you write his name

backwards it's e ba gum.

LAUGHTER

So, that's been 37 years

waiting for that laugh.

LAUGHTER

So, Robert Mugabe, yes, after 37

years of power, he's resigned.

Why was he forced out now?

Well, if we've learned

anything from history,

any tyrant always has a wife

with a lot of shoes.

This always seems to

be the tipping point.

I mean, he massacred

people, he ruined the

economy, he siphoned away billions.

People were starving.

But then they went, "Oh!

How many shoes does his wife have?".

That's it, isn't it.

She said she had to

have all these shoes.

She had to have Ferragamo

because she had very narrow feet.

And people believed that.

Because if they didn't,

they were killed.

LAUGHTER

Have you seen what else

she spent her money on, though?

Cos she spent 200 grand

on a headboard for their bed.

Like, what does a headboard worth

200 grand actually do?

That's what you've

got to ask yourself.

I would think she

would need to knock

herself out on it.

Yep.

LAUGHTER

But she's called Gucci Grace because

that's where she likes to shop.

Yes, she is.

Cos I am known as Jo

Majestic Wines Caulfield.

And this is Paul Cravat Shop Merton.

Cravat World, I think it's from.

Next to Poundland.

LAUGHTER

You don't go to Poundland.

Surely you go to Guinealand.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yes, Mugabe was forced out

by the army after he fired his vice

president, Emmerson Mnangagwa,

earlier this month.

And for trying to position his wife

Grace as successor.

There's more to Grace,

though, than just shopping

and seizing farms.

She's actually Dr Grace Mugabe.

Cos she forced her husband

to give her all these

different accolades.

Well, that's scandalous.

I'm not sure that's true.

She got her Ph.D at the University

of Zimbabwe this year.

It apparently just took

her three months to do

which is very impressive.

The doctorate was awarded

to her by the University

Chancellor, actually,

a Mr RG Mugabe.

LAUGHTER

How did the generals go

about reassuring everyone that it

wasn't a military coup?

Dancing, it seems to be.

Yeah, they staged a musical.

Yeah, they took over state TV

which is always a sign

of something not being a coup.

That's right.

One of the generals broadcast

a message saying it definitely

wasn't a military coup.

Let's have a look at that message.

To both our people and the world

beyond our borders, we wish to make

it abundantly clear that this is not

a military takeover of government.

LAUGHTER

Cos he doesn't look

like he's in the military

at all there, does he?

Doesn't look scary at all.

He's in the cubs.

LAUGHTER

Yes, Mugabe was replaced.

The ambitious young reformer

who is going to provide a fresh

break with the past is 75-year-old

Emmerson Mnangagwa.

He's known as "The Crocodile".

Why do we think that is?

People say, do you

think he's sleeping?

But he isn't, and then

he comes and kills you.

Sort of friendly name.

It's cuddly, isn't it?

According to the Economist,

it's for his habit of

waiting quietly before sinking his

jaws into his next victim.

And this doesn't seem to worry

the people on the streets.

NEWS VOICEOVER: Emmerson Mnangagwa

is known as "The Crocodile",

celebrated here for

his ruthless cunning.

But when it gets its prey...

Ugh!

There's a lot of optimism

in Zimbabwe which is heartbreaking.

If you're watching this on...

LAUGHTER

You think it's misplaced, then?

He's not a great guy.

I mean, he did organise

the massacres of 20,000 people.

I mean, it's not a big

deal nowadays, I know.

But they're very old.

Who, they are?

Mugabe's 93.

And so the new guy,

the crocodile guy, he's 75.

And I just think,

when does ambition stop?

When do people just watch whatever

the Zimbabwe version

of Cash In The Attic is?

There's cash in the bank in France.

Siphoned off money

in the attic, yes.

Political opponents in the attic.

LAUGHTER

Finally, since we've been talking

about "The Crocodile", what other

politician is concerned

about big reptiles this week?

Oh, is it elephants?

Big reptiles.

LAUGHTER

I resign.

University challenged.

Sorry, idiot.

Well, it's Australian MP Bob Katter.

Oh yeah.

Here he is explaining

his feelings about

same-sex marriages, but watch

for the subtle gear change as he

realises there are more

important issues.

You know, people are

entitled to their sexual

proclivities, you know.

I mean, let there be

a thousand blossoms bloom

as far as I'm concerned.

But I ain't spending any

time on it because in

the meantime, every three months,

a person is torn to pieces by a

crocodile in North Queensland.

LAUGHTER

That person must be getting

pretty fed up of it.

This is the news that one

of the most ruthless, corrupt,

bloodthirsty leaders Zimbabwe has

ever known has taken

over from Robert Mugabe.

The new leader of Zimbabwe is:

Emmerson "The Crocodile" Mnangagwa.

Previously best known for beating

Phil "The Power" Taylor

with a nine-dart finish

at The Lakeside.

The crisis began when Grace Mugabe

persuaded her husband to get rid

of Emmerson "The

Crocodile" Mnangagwa.

Partly because she saw him

as a political rival - but mainly

because she wanted to turn him

into a handbag.

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson used

all his diplomatic skills to curry

favour with the incoming regime,

declaring it a glorious new dawn

for the people of Rhodesia.

LAUGHTER

Ian and Steph take a look at this.

The famous red box where they have

to try and pull rabbits out of it.

That's the government.

Oh, that's moving into a new home.

"No, you can't afford it".

This is of course the budget.

It was a bit funnier

than they normally are.

Because obviously

you had Theresa May

handing him cough sweets

in the middle of it, as well.

Yeah, I thought that was subtle.

Really subtle.

Him reminding her of how

bad her speech was.

Yeah.

But he seems to have

done enough to survive.

It's great, being in

a really weak government.

Because you listen to

all your critics and you

write it down and then you read

it out in the budget.

And everyone says, he's brilliant.

Universal Credit not working?

That's a fantastic thought.

Not enough homes?

How did he think of that?

The idea that everyone

else has been saying

this for the last 15 years...

It's gone.

Suddenly he gets all the credit.

Well, not Universal

Credit, obviously.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, he survived,

and it wasn't bad enough for anyone

to get too angry about.

Yes, what's the big problem

that Big Phil faced

before this budget?

Well, everyone hated him.

Yes.

Everyone thinks he's rubbish.

Here he is, poor Phil,

scratching his head.

He didn't have much

support beforehand.

Critics were queueing

up in the Telegraph to

say his days were numbered.

Said his wife.

LAUGHTER

What's caused all

the underlying gloom?

Brexit?

And the fact that there's

so much uncertainty.

Typical BBC Remoaner.

I know, there we go.

You can't come on for

one minute, can you?

Without going on and on...

It's all Brexit's fault.

God!

LAUGHTER

Honestly, it's pretty annoying.

Haven't seen you so animated

since you thought an

elephant was a reptile.

LAUGHTER

Growth forecasts.

Downgraded.

Downgraded from what?

From 2% to 1.5%, which

in monetary terms is

about £20 billion.

Forecasts do my head in.

Because they're never

right, are they?

So how many times

have I been on TV...

I'm gonna have a little mini rant.

Yeah.

Go for it.

How many times have I been on TV

and said, the Bank of

England's forecasting this,

the OBR's forecasting this...

No one's ever got it right.

The best person who's

given any analysis is

that lady who was asked about

when there was gonna be another

election, do you remember

what she said?

"Oh, not another one!".

Which is exactly how I feel.

I'm gonna be fired before the end

of this, by the way.

Given its my job to

talk about forecasts.

But there we are.

Is it that business

journalists just like

numbers and want to put

their favourite number in, so people

are just shouting different numbers?

Yeah, and for me,

I just love hard hats.

Do you?

I just like going around

various building sites.

And vis jackets.

Oh, high vis.

Do you know, there's even someone

who's set up a fetish

website of safety gear?

LAUGHTER

I bet you haven't got

one of them, Ian.

You don't know that I set it up.

LAUGHTER

What's the address?

Why was Philip Hammond depicted

like this in The Sun on Budget Day?

Is that a ferret or

a weasel, or perhaps

it's an elephant, I don't know.

Looks a bit like Arsene Wenger.

It does, actually.

What's going on?

It's a weasel, actually.

It was to warn him

against increasing duty on

diesel fuel.

Don't be a diesel weasel?

Yeah.

Well, drivers of diesel cars,

having been actively

encouraged by governments to go out

and buy them, have now been

hit by extra fuel duty.

And that's just what

weasels do in the wild.

Yeah, they do.

Philip Hammond is determined that

by 2021 our vehicles

will be driverless and he's paying

to install electric charging

points all over the place.

I've got loads in my house.

LAUGHTER

Why is everyone so keen

on driverless cars?

I like driving.

Don't people like driving?

So you can get drunk

and then be taken home.

It's called a cab.

If there is driverless cars,

there will be no more Top Gear.

That is a big incentive for me.

Driverless cars caused

Philip Hammond some

embarrassment before the budget.

He told Andrew Marr that to show his

confidence in driverless technology

he'd be going in a driverless car

the very next day.

This alerted number

ten to a potentially

embarrassing visual metaphor.

And a spokesman told the Telegraph:

Matt Hancock who is the digital

minister is very much on board

with the government's support for

technology, and he tweeted:

LAUGHTER

We need those maths

teachers, don't we?

There have been complaints

that the government has done nothing

about the minimum wage.

The so-called gig economy.

What has the millennials'

favourite exploiter of

low-paid workers Uber,

admitted this week?

Someone hacked into Uber.

And stole the data

of 57 million users.

That's the entire country,

is in an Uber all the time.

But they paid a ransom a year ago,

it's just come out now.

$100,000, yeah, for the hackers

to keep quiet about the whole thing.

But Uber accepted it?

Yeah.

So Uber said, we won't tell

anyone about it, we won't

report it, and the criminals said,

we've erased all the data, trust us.

We're criminals who have just

hacked into your system.

And then eventually

they had to admit it.

Does Private Eye have

worries that somebody might

hack into your system?

You know, steal the carbon

paper or something.

LAUGHTER

How has the Chancellor tried

to appeal to young people?

Well, he's abolished the stamp duty.

And, oh, also the train

thing which seems

kind of random.

So, they get free train

travel up to 30 now.

Because they can't

afford to live anywhere.

So they could live on the train.

It's called the new home

replacement service.

It's a rail card, but it's off-peak.

So you can't use it to go to work.

So you can't use it to go to work?

And you only get a third off.

And you only get a third off.

Still, it would probably reduce

the cost of a ticket from London

to Manchester to about 400 quid.

He did some weird specific taxes

I thought, where he did

nothing on other booze,

except strong cider

and rolling tobacco.

And I thought, he is missing out

on that very important "likes

to drink in the park" demographic.

Isn't he?

It seemed like it was an actual

person and I was imagining this

evil bubble and then cut

to Phil Hammond's daughter

and her useless boyfriend rolling

fags and drinking cider.

I thought it was a pretty

blatant attack on Farage.

LAUGHTER.

He is also cracking down on property

speculators and investors

who leave property vacant.

Did you see what happened

to the old vacant stadium in Atlanta

called the Georgia Dome?

It was demolished in an explosion

and lots of news media

were there to see it and they set up

in the best camera position

possible to catch the never

to be repeated moment.

LAUGHTER.

BLEEP!

Get out of the way!

You...

UGH!

BLEEP!

LAUGHTER.

BLEEP!

APPLAUSE.

This is the news that the Chancellor

has delivered a brilliant/ terrible

budget according to how much white

cider you drink.

The Daily Mirror said the

Chancellor's budget amounted to...

Which I think is one of the films

on Damian Green's computer.

And so on to Round Two,

the Picture Spin Quiz,

fingers on buzzers, teams.

This is the Queen and Prince Philip

showing why they get

on so well together.

It's their 70th wedding

anniversary, I think, 1947.

What did the Queen gave Philip?

Northumberland?

It was very lazy gift-giving.

She gave him a medal.

It is like, if you said

to your wife, happy anniversary,

here's a copy of Private Eye.

Not a good gift.

Yes, she gave him another title.

She is making him...

Cross being the operative word.

According to the Royal biographer,

Ingrid Seward , the secret

to their happy marriage is...

What do you think

they might laugh about?

Us.

Ingrid said that the Queen is...

And is...

No!

I would love to see that.

We would all love to

see that, wouldn't we?

You know what, I always panic,

because obviously at the BBC,

when we do the news,

we have a whole procedure if anyone

who is Category One,

like the Queen dies.

So we have to go through this

procedure every month of rehearsing

it and I am in blind panic that one

morning it's me on and how gutted

the Royal Family will be when a girl

with a north-east accent announces

the death of the Queen.

Can you imagine that?

Now then, everyone,...

Just to let you know,

Bet's pegged it.

LAUGHTER.

APPLAUSE.

So every time, I get a sweat on!

Ingrid also revealed that the couple

share a bedroom but Prince Philip

also has his own in case...

The Royal Family's Twitter account

released some official

portraits of the couple.

Here is the tweet

from the Royal account.

LAUGHTER.

Up to that point, I thought

they were well matched!

That is just a technical error,

of how the picture is displayed,

they don't actually look like that.

I think it's time we did a little

something special to mark

this unique occasion.

Something special.

Let's do that.

Fingers on buzzers,

teams, for the no expense

spent Phil and Liz Quiz.

Right, we've got 70 questions

to get through, so try

and keep the pace up.

What did Prince Philip

give up in 1947?

Oh, his life.

Jo.

Smoking.

He did, he gave up

smoking cigarettes.

The Queen didn't like it,

so he just stopped dead.

He still likes to blaze a doobie

though and maybe a bong

or two at the weekends.

The Royal couple received

2583 wedding presents,

but what did they get 76 of?

Toasters.

No.

76 people gave them handkerchiefs.

(LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT): Eh, Phil,

look at all these hankies we got.

LAUGHTER.

They also got...

It is amazing that they should

all think of the same thing!

What special rule is

there when the Queen

is on the Royal train?

Kenneth Branagh has

to appear with a moustache.

When the Queen is travelling

on the Royal train, it is not

allowed to go over bumpy tracks

at 7:30am because...

The bath on the train?

A bath on the train.

Wow!

I know, I know.

It must be really irritating

if you're queueing

outside that cubicle.

LAUGHTER.

(LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT):

There's somebody in 'ere!

There's those automatic doors that

open and she is like that...

Finally, what nickname did

Prince William and Prince Harry

have for the Queen?

Your Majesty.

Madge.

The Guv'nor.

Earlier this year it was revealed

that the Princes called the Queen...

Do you reckon that is

her Scouse alter ego?

It totally is, isn't it?

Apparently it's because Prince

William couldn't say

granny when he was a baby,

but I will go with

the Scouse alter ego.

That sounds better.

This is the Queen and Prince

Philip's 70th wedding anniversary.

According to a Royal

biographer, the secret

of their long marriage is...

Especially when their accountant

phones them with more good news

from the Cayman Islands.

According to the Sunday Express, in

the early days of their marriage...

Not as surprised as those carol

singers that he opened the door to.

APPLAUSE.

Time now for the Odd One Out round.

Your four are...

Winston Churchill.

Hatton Garden's gang

member John Kenny Collins,

BBC newsroom staff and Mike Ashley.

We think we know this one.

It's about sleep.

It is about sleep.

Because the Hatton Garden...,

he was so old, he fell asleep,

he was the lookout.

And everyone at the BBC sleeps

regularly during shifts.

Right.

That's what we do.

Especially the breakfast lot.

Yeah, totally.

It's three hours long,

what do you want us to do?

Well, your audience are!

Oh!

I thought we were getting on!

And then he fell asleep

in a board meeting, didn't he?

Throwing up in the fireplace.

After he has had

a few pints, I think.

In the board meeting

and Winston Churchill was always

asleep in the afternoon,

he took a lot of naps.

The odd one out is...

BBC.

Winston Churchill was allowed

to have a nap, the others

were all sleeping when they should

have been working.

No.

Nearly.

You're on the right track.

Appalling answer.

I'm going to put you

out of your misery.

They all deliberately slept at work

apart from Hatton Garden gang

member John Kenny Collins.

Who accidentally dozed

off twice during the

notorious jewellery heist.

We don't deliberately sleep at work.

Apparently, you do.

And we have proof.

The Hatton Garden gang

did not have a lot of faith

in John Kenny Collins,

what did they call him?

Sleepy, yeah.

Dozy?

Snoozy John?

Useless bastard?

Apparently he wasn't the brightest.

Dopey.

Dimwit Collins.

Well, they called him...

Claiming...

Why did they pick him, then?

Yeah, why did they pick him?

Well, there you go.

What other mishaps did they get up

to during the robbery?

Erm...

Well, aside from their sleeping

lookout, they gave their real

address when buying machinery used

in the robbery, they triggered

the police alarm, they left vital

clues behind including traceable

drill parts, only two of the elderly

men were slim enough to fit

through the hole they had drilled

and one man...

Other than that,

they did really well.

Now, the BBC, photos of sleeping BBC

newsroom workers were taken

by a whistle-blower over a four year

period and were published in The Sun

with this front page.

How many workers were photographed

asleep in a four year

period do you think?

17.

Was it one?

Eight.

Eight.

Over four years?

Over four years.

Yeah, disgraceful.

That's not many.

Well here they are.

Here are the culprits.

They were probably very tired.

There is one.

There is another one.

I know him.

This one is taking it quite

seriously, he's even

brought an eye mask.

You ever had a kip in the office?

That's what I did this

afternoon, I had a power nap.

Did you?

While I was talking to Ian.

You seem to have a lot

of energy on BBC Breakfast.

That is the drugs.

Well...

They seem to have got

a point even though

they didn't get the answer.

I can't...

I'm not involved with the points.

No, that's fine.

Is he a bad loser?

I wouldn't know.

Look and see!

APPLAUSE.

Time now for the

Missing Words Round.

We start with...

Having a party!

What a boring answer!

Baking a special cake.

Getting there.

Buy a cake with 101 candles on it.

Yeah.

202 candles.

Phyllis Jones and Irene Crump nearly

set the house on fire

when they insisted on having 101

candles on each of their cakes.

Here they are.

LAUGHTER.

Well done!

The pair even had a stripper

although it turned out to be a real

fireman who was just too hot.

The Metro put the blame on...

Don't call them that, they have

lived through two World Wars!

Next, what...

Brexit.

Whether Eileen Jenkins

was a goer or not.

She was.

She was.

Brexit!

You don't half go on about it

at the Beeb, don't you?

This is the news that a decisive

battle in Anglo-Saxon history may

have taken place under what is now

a lay-by near Doncaster.

Historians believe that the winning

tactic for King Athelstan

was cutting off the enemy's supply

lines by ransacking

the Wild Bean Cafe at Junction 14.

Next...

Psychiatrist.

She goes over the edge quite

easily, doesn't she?

Delia Smith believes restaurant food

has become too poncey.

Also this week, the TV cook was made

a companion of honour by the Queen.

Unsurprisingly, as she has

written Her Majesty's

favourite recipe book,

Cooking For One.

Finally...

Wife number eight.

She can't stand him.

This is Ron Shepherd looking

for wife number nine.

He has previously been married to...

I think we can pinpoint the moment

when he discovered the internet.

LAUGHTER.

So, the final scores are...

Paul and Jo have six,

but this week's winners are Ian

and Steph with eight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

And I leave you with news that

in Somerset, in an attempt

to emulate Boris Johnson's success

with Boris Bikes, Jacob Rees Mogg

launches his own version.

After a two-month trip overseas,

one MP saunters back

into the office not realising

the rules have changed.

And at Beijing Zoo, a panda feels

a sudden rush of empathy

for a creature forced to mate

against her will.

Good night.