Episode 4 Have I Got News for You

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News for You, I'm Rhod Gilbert.

In the news this week...

In Pyongyang, celebrating another successful missile launch,

the nuclear weapons team get to see a different side to Kim Jong-un.

PlayStation brings out a brand-new virtual reality game that lets

players enjoy all the excitement of tweaking a hipster's beard.

And, in an attempt to reduce energy bills,

Rhondda Council unveils their new aluminium recycling centre.

On Ian's team tonight is an award-winning playwright who

says one of the best things about her job is getting

up at whatever time she wants,

so it was either writing, or being a train driver for Southern Rail.

Please welcome Lucy Prebble.

APPLAUSE

And, with Paul tonight is the writer and director of a new film about

Stalin - a tyrannical megalomaniac with a cruel sense of humour...

Armando also made The Thick of It. Please welcome Armando Iannucci.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the biggest stories of the week - Ian

and Lucy, take a look at this.

European dinner, they're eating their own hands.

-Water.

-Oh, that's a subtle metaphor.

-Oh!

-Oh, a leak, yes.

-Oh, look...

-Man going upstairs, is that a metaphor?

-No, he's just drunk.

-There was a dinner, wasn't there?

-There was a dinner.

I do find it strange that we get this kind of autopsy of the dinner.

It's a bit like, you know,

when your flatmate comes back after a Tinder date and tells you,

you know, "Well, he was a bit arrogant,

"he was a bit cold" and you know that he's gone back

to his group of friends and said, "Well,

"she was begging for it, she was like this,

"she was like that" - the stories are different, and then in the end,

they're just going to find a way to split up, which is

basically what's going to happen with these guys.

Yes, that image of a Tinder date between Theresa

and Jean-Claude has really stayed with me.

This is the leaked report from Theresa May's dinner with

Jean-Claude Juncker.

The dinner itself was very amicable, but was followed by

an interminable argument over how to split the bill.

What was the substance of the leak?

Theresa May was desperate

and was begging the EU just to give her a chance.

It's said that May had "begged for help",

saying that...

Juncker's chief aide is called Martin Selmayr

and he's got form.

There have been other occasions where there's only been three people

in the room and the contents of the discussion have

suddenly appeared in the German paper and everyone goes,

"Oh, no - not Martin - he doesn't do that sort of thing."

-Oh, but does he?

-Yeah.

He's a very, very hard line Europhile

and he's known as "The Monster".

Er, because people find him very difficult to deal with.

He's got a number of different nicknames. Let's have a look at a

picture of him and I'll ask you to guess some of his other nicknames.

The man who cuts his own hair.

LAUGHTER

-Rasputin, he's named as.

-Rasputin?!

-ARMANDO:

-Rasputin had longer hair.

I think you're focusing too much

-on the hair, to be honest. LUCY:

-Yeah.

Is he Russia's greatest love machine?

That's a Boney M reference.

That's completely fine, that's allowed.

-Based on historical research.

-Yeah!

No, no - I'm not saying Boney M hadn't done their stuff.

I mean, compared to some of the lightweight Russian research

that some people do.

LAUGHTER

Stalin is another of his nicknames.

-ARMANDO:

-Then I've made a dreadful mistake.

Darth Vader, he's also known as Darth Vader!

-Just anyone evil.

-Do you know what the Daily Mail calls him?

Editor in chief?

-Leaky bully-boy.

-I think I was right first time.

There was another leak at a high-level meeting of European

-politicians this week, what was that?

-Not this toxic gas leak?

-No, a much less serious leak, arguably.

-The vegetable leek?

Slightly more serious than a vegetable leek.

It involves Macron's dog.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh!

The president of France urinated into a fireplace

and then blamed it on his dog.

Were that that were true.

While attending a meeting at the Elysee Palace with Macron

and members of his government, Nemo relieved himself in the fireplace.

Keep an eye on the young chien.

MAN SPEAKS IN FRENCH

I think that's all right in high-level meetings now,

cos I think Trump does that. I think...

I THINK. Definitely.

-I don't think he's polite enough to go over to the fireplace.

-No!

Boris gave a speech this week, oh, happy days,

where he urged the EU to speed up with Brexit.

What was noteworthy about this particular speech?

He made a number of Shakespearean references in it.

He was just sort of riffing on the subject of why Brexit needed

to happen quickly.

So was Hamlet, you know, he couldn't decide how to act and it was Macbeth

waiting to stab someone - you've got Gove there, for God's sake!

Just get on with it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can I just say, that was a metaphorical stabbing.

-Can we have a look at Boris Johnson riffing on Shakespeare?

-Yes.

I suggest humbly to our friends and partners in Brussels,

now is the time to get on with it.

You know, let's not...this idea wait upon I would or, you know,

let the native hue of resolution be sicklied o'er

with a pale cast of thought...

or whatever.

There's a tide in the affairs of men... They should...grip it.

Go on, get on with it and, er...

start thinking about the future.

That's not a speech, that's a malfunctioning android.

That's words strung together in whichever form they come to him.

I love the idea of "or whatever".

Shakespeare's best-known lines all end in, "yeah, or whatever".

"A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse...or whatever."

Who did the government distance themselves from this week?

-Was it Mr Heaton-Harris?

-Oh, yes.

-LUCY:

-Is this the man who sent the letter?

Yes. He wanted the names of all lecturers at the universities who'd

been teaching on European Affairs

and information as to whether they were talking about Brexit

or pro-remain policies. Ohh...

Then he was accused afterwards of that being a bit sinister and he

said, "That's not being sinister, sending letters asking for the names

"of people who teach this particular subject."

Why would anybody think that was McCarthyite?

You see, it's bloody liberals, they are snowflakes.

You just say, "Give us your name, I'll put it on a list

"and I'm in the government," and they go, "Ooohhh!"

-How do they go, again?

-"Ooohhh!"

Well, it's Halloween.

It's like a 1920s chorus girl.

Exactly.

Hasn't he said he wants to write a book

and that's actually what it was about - research for a book -

which I really hope isn't true and that it's a lie and a cover-up,

because then now he has to write a book about Brexit

which would be an amazing punishment for basically lying about it.

We should all pre-order it off Amazon now, so he has to do it.

Interestingly, he didn't come up with that excuse,

he's been very quiet on the whole thing, I think.

-That was Jo Johnson, wasn't it?

-That was Jo Johnson.

His boss. So he's MAKING him write a book!

The book is called The University Lecturer Murders.

It's a mystery.

How did universities respond?

I just told you, "Whooohhh!"

-Not all of them.

-They were all pretty snowflake libtard, I thought.

Paul Kleiman took a slightly more humorous approach than some others,

tweeting, "Dear Chris Heaton-Harris,

"following your letter to my VC,

"here are the details of my Theatre History lectures."

Which included...

Week two...

And week six...

APPLAUSE

This is Brexit and the row over leaks after a dinner.

In the Commons, Jeremy Corbyn attacked Theresa May's

repetitive updates on EU talks by comparing them to...

He was going to go with,

"the cyclical nature of Marxist historical dialectic"

until one of his advisers said,

"Jeremy, for the love of Christ, just say Groundhog Day."

One Tory MP came under fire for asking universities

for the names and details of lecturers teaching Brexit.

One critic accused him of McCarthyism

while another said it was "idiotic Leninism."

Lenin and McCarthyism, eh?

Just let it be, I say.

APPLAUSE

Paul and Armando, take a look at this.

Ah, yes - this is the election last summer in Sheffield.

That's Girls Aloud, I believe.

Oh! It's a young Paul Merton.

Yes, that's me.

Yes, it's the MP O'Mara.

He's got into trouble through something that he said on

Twitter or whatever it was 15 years ago, which was pretty horrendous.

And he said he's been on a journey since then.

Unfortunately, it was a return ticket, cos he's done it again.

Apparently he'd said something rather nasty to

a woman in a Sheffield nightclub a couple of months ago or something,

so yes, it's...

misogynistic, homophobic remarks.

Um, that's the end of the show!

That's not the rest of your script, is it?

This is the Labour MP Jared O'Mara.

Jared O'Mara.

It was given a twist by the fact that he was on

the Commons Equalities Committee,

so he was meant to be rooting out that misogyny,

homophobia, sexism and...

Well, he did - he resigned!

He rooted it out - in himself!

He resigned when he was caught, let's be fair!

Was he saying all these things towards writing

a book about himself?

How has all this surfaced?

It's all on social media, isn't it?

It's there forever, so somebody did some digging, presumably,

-and found this stuff.

-Do you know political website Guido Fawkes?

They managed to access them from chatrooms

and websites dating back to 2002.

But there's a lot of people in the Labour Party going, "Oh, well,

"he was very young, it was a long time ago, can't we not have this?

"Cos, you know, he's not a Tory."

You see, if he'd said that and he was a Tory, we'd kill him.

"But he was young, he was 22."

It's absolutely no excuse.

Especially since the latest one was, what, three weeks ago,

or three months ago?

-Yes.

-But people were different then.

It was a different time, sort of...

The sun was shining...

It was alleged that only recently, O'Mara had called a woman

"an ugly bitch".

He denies that.

If you can't be held accountable

for when it's something that happened like 14 years ago,

then there's like hairstyles and boyfriends I had that

I can have expunged from the record, which I'm thrilled about!

Expunge them all!

"Will all boyfriends make their way to sector five..."

Old hairstyles to the left...

-Have you ever had a hairstyle you regretted, Ian?

-Um...

This from a man wearing a cravat!

Roger Moore in The Persuaders!

-Oh, right - that makes me Tony Curtis!

-Absolutely!

-Excellent!

-LUCY:

-It is weird, though, isn't it,

because there's a fine line between sort of terrible misogynistic

language and just being a real dick,

and it seems like some of his comments are being a real dick, you know?

He's saying stuff about Jamie Cullum

which, you know...is music criticism,

probably, more than it's misogyny or homophobia...

-Are you sure about that?

-Well, I'm not, actually,

I don't know quite what he said.

-He said poofters...

-Oh, did he?

..and he said Cullum should be sodomised with his own piano.

Ah, right, OK.

So he doesn't like jazz much, then?

What did he say about pop band Girls Aloud? Do you remember?

-Oh, yes - I do!

-Go on.

-Of course not...

He invited them to...

How many is an orgy, Ian?

LAUGHTER

Sorry, ANYONE? I'll open that out the panel!

Well, two!

And a mirror.

Who sprang to O'Mara's defence?

Oh, everyone.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Well, HE certainly did. He said...

Well, at last someone's spoken the truth!

Although the signs of his enlightened forward-thinking

were there back in 2006, this is from his band's website.

So, any woman that goes on a date with him

is doing it for charitable reasons.

Shadow Minister Angela Rayner also defended him, saying...

What's wrong with that statement from...?

-He never made a maiden speech.

-He didn't, no!

And he hasn't been in Parliament much.

Why is he not keen on holding constituency surgeries on Fridays?

-ARMANDO:

-Oh, he goes out on Friday.

-No, Thursday's his night out and he's hungover on a Friday.

-Yeah!

It's lad culture, we all do it.

You get swept up in it, don't you? You just get swept up in it.

I live within five miles of Wembley Stadium, it's a nightmare.

I get swept up in football culture.

He clearly likes a good time. Here's a tweet from one of his neighbours.

What TV show is Jeremy Corbyn to appear on?

-Gogglebox.

-Yes.

I hope he's on with Giles and Mary.

-Oh, you really watch it, Ian?

-I love Gogglebox.

Who's your favourite on Gogglebox?

Well, I like all of them, just cos it's so upbeat.

I always come away at the end of the programme thinking, "Those

"are really nice people",

unlike some other shows you think, "Oh, God."

That goes on at the same time as this one, so you watch THAT, do you?

Which is a really nice show, full of nice people.

That's a slap in the teeth, isn't it?

What, you watch yourself, do you?

I'm always intrigued when I make the edit.

This is Labour MP Jared O'Mara, who has been suspended

for a number of ill-advised comments made on social media.

To be fair, everyone's done a few things

when they were younger that they now regret.

Even Jacob Rees-Mogg sent some pretty racy telegrams.

In his comments, Jared O'Mara has been homophobic, xenophobic

and sexist.

Worst of all, in the eyes of the Labour Party,

he doesn't have a bad word to say about Jews.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooohh!

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, it's been announced that Jeremy Corbyn is

to appear on a special edition of Gogglebox.

I'm not saying Jeremy is out of touch with popular culture,

but when he was told he was appearing on a sofa with Leon,

he assumed it was Trotsky.

Oh, he's on with Leon!

And so to round two, the Picture Spin Quiz.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

-Oh.

-Armando and Paul.

-Take That have reformed.

Oh, no! And they're appearing with their tribute band.

It's Xi, which is slightly ironic when you look at that picture

and the report says, "Xi is going to do this, Xi's going to do that" -

oh, no - there's no women there!

It's solid blokes.

That's an odd way to phrase it.

Wall-to-wall fella!

-Look at it!

-LUCY:

-Lad culture.

-ARMANDO:

-They look like they're going to be launched, don't they?

Or like skittles - a huge ball is going to come and knock them over.

It's president Xi,

his thought has been, er...

encapsulated within the Chinese constitution.

The only other person who's

had his thought as part of the constitution is Chairman Mao.

-So...

-How does that work, exactly?

-Do you know what that means?

-I think he just goes, "Mmmmm."

-And it becomes law?

-And people look at it, and go...

"Mmmmm."

His thought is mainly that he should be in charge.

-That's his main thought, yes.

-And other people should not be.

-Yes.

-And anyone who doesn't agree with him should shut up.

-Yes.

Or be shut up for a very, very long time.

Er, what does Donald Trump think of Xi Jinping?

He congratulated him on his elevation,

kind of revealing that he thinks he was somehow elected

and kind of won that spot through an open ballot.

Whereas, in fact, it was sheer dictatorship.

It's a fabulous quote from Trump.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-LUCY:

-When he says some people,

he means him, before someone just told him.

How has the West come to this?

We're sitting here discussing Brexit and Trump and China...

When we could be watching Gogglebox!

A totally innocent occupation!

Donald Trump was in trouble this week after his phone call

to the widow of a US soldier killed in Niger.

She accused Trump of...

His aides were just relieved

he'd managed to pronounce "Niger" correctly.

Donald Trump does frequently have trouble with names.

He recently referred to the African country of Nambia, later explaining

he'd simply mixed up the two real countries of Gambia and Narnia.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BELL

I believe it's called a burger.

Well done, Ian. Think I'll give you a point just for that.

-LUCY:

-Is it...

It's nothing to do with magic, or it's levitating or something?

I mean, yes...

It is the news that scientists at the University of Sussex have

found a way of making food levitate.

Why?

Isn't "how?" the first question, rather than "why"?

Er...

OK, how?

-How? You're going to have to tell us.

-Is it magnets?

Do they do magnets?

Are we on how, or why?

I've read several articles, I think they're still working on the "whys".

-What's the catch with levitating food?

-It doesn't work.

It DOES work.

How?!

Why?!

The catch is, according to the Sun,

you can only eat your meal in...

Let's have a look at the machine preloaded with a feast.

It works by ultrasonic waves

blasted from above and below

to create what they're calling a...

You can actually make some quite complex dishes.

Here's one for Ian.

I know how you like cheese and wine.

Have you been reading my 15-year-old blog?

Is that what you were doing when you were 15? Cheese and wine evenings?

It was wild, I tell you.

-It was lad culture, wasn't it?

-Lad culture.

He was swept up in the whole teenage cheese and wine...

Get the boys round, watch a bit of bridge on the telly...

Look up the book of Common Prayer.

If only he was exaggerating.

Let's have a look at the cheese and wine hovering.

That looks like a moon circulating round Saturn.

-Do you want to see a levitating burger?

-Yeah.

Here it goes.

It has been a bad news week, if this has made the show.

How does the food get in your mouth?

Oh, who cares?

-ARMANDO:

-It doesn't.

I've invented something called the hand.

You break up a pair of false teeth and chuck them in

and they chew it up, like that.

The scientists are working on using sound waves to float the food

gracefully onto your outstretched tongue.

This is what the Universities Minister should be writing

letters about! "Dear University of Sussex, what are you doing?!

"Give us the money back!"

This is science's bold leap towards levitating our meals.

I can't see the idea of floating food ever catching on.

It's pie-in-the-sky stuff.

GROANS

We've built up to that joke, you realise that?

That's the reason they put that question in!

What time is Gogglebox on?

-It's about now.

-Is it?

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication...

Have I Got Moos For You.

It's UDDERLY fascinating, let's not milk it, let's not milk it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

A round of applause. Really?!

Really?

You disappoint me.

And we start with...

What is an insult to cockneys?

Dick Van Dyke's accent.

It's a new themed restaurant that's opened up in London in the East End.

-It is.

-They're charging lots of money

-to eat traditional cockney fare.

-It is.

East End-themed dining experience is an insult to cockneys

is the right answer.

I had "Piss off, Cockneys."

Thank you, Guvnor!

I had Jeremy Hunt, so lucky we didn't get to that.

This is a Cockney-themed dinner party featuring tracksuited

and tattooed characters drinking, smoking and being aggressive.

If you really want to be entertained by these appalling stereotypes

at the £55-a-head meal, I'd just say,

"Leave it, it's not worf it."

-What...?

-Next...

Yeah, go on, then - I'll let it go.

-That was all right, wasn't it?

-Yeah, not too bad.

-Aw'wight?

Can I hear your Welsh?

-IN WELSH ACCENT:

-Well, it's only a little bit, you know, but...

There's certain names,

if you think of certain composers like Johann Sebastian Bach.

-You're Welsh, aren't you, Ian? Born in Mumbles.

-I was.

But it was a very long time ago.

And I was writing a book about Wales.

Next,

if you give a cow what, she will pay you back in milk.

-LUCY:

-A hug and a bucket?

25 quid.

-ARMANDO:

-A milk token.

-LUCY:

-A credit card...

Love and affection.

-Respect.

-Respect!

Er... Now, where are we?!

Oh, next, Richard Madeley...

-Did we get the answer?

-Oh, sorry!

If you give a cow Richard Madeley?!

She'll pay you back in milk?!

-LUCY:

-I never would have got that!

That's what it says!

I hope this isn't some terribly misogynistic reference to

Judy that we've got here.

LAUGHTER

That's appalling.

Absolutely appalling.

I can't work out who's going to get the blame for that - you or me?

Well, I was trying to make it out that somebody else has said it...

Unsuccessfully, I should imagine.

If you give a cow her six basic needs,

she will pay you back in milk.

-Richard Madeley...

-He's come up again!

I think he guest edited this edition of Cowsmopolitan!

-Richard Madeley what...?

-Has a cow.

Is sober.

LAUGHTER

-That's not libellous.

-LUCY:

-Is it "has to be mentioned?"

-Yes!

-Which is why we've had to mention him so much tonight.

-Exactly.

-He was doing Breakfast this week.

-I don't watch much telly, but he was, um...

-Was he good?

-Yeah, no, he was very, very good.

-I've always liked him.

What's happened to you, Ian? Gogglebox, now breakfast television?

-It's another book.

-Have you lost your job?

There's a lot of competition for paper rounds these days, you know.

The answer is Richard Madeley goes commando in every telly show.

GROANS

Yeah, I'm not sure if that's the response he'd have hoped for, but...

Richard Madeley revealed he wasn't wearing underpants

on Good Morning Britain and up until that moment, it had been.

And finally, pork chop looks uncannily like what?

Richard Madeley?

Looks uncannily like a pig, with a bit missing.

Darth Vader is the answer.

This better be uncanny.

Pork chop looks uncannily like Darth Vader, well, check it out -

see how uncanny it is.

So, the final scores are...

Ian and Lucy have five, but Paul

-and Armando have five.

-Hooray!

Well done.

But, before we go, there's just time for the Caption Competition.

Paul and Armando have this.

Now all we need is some cheese and we can go to Ian Hislop's party.

Ian and Lucy get that.

Virtual reality headsets forget to put in any virtual or reality?

Mr Weinstein's office staff.

-ALL:

-Ohh!

PANEL LAUGH

Yep, that's the one to finish the show on.

And I leave you with news that there are fears that a split in the Tory

party could end in violence as evidence emerges that

Boris Johnson has his own personal army.

Surveillance cameras show that even in Mayfair,

there's a problem with teenagers hanging around on the streets.

And at Calais, the British unveil the winning design

for a post-Brexit entrance to the Channel Tunnel.

Goodnight.