Episode 5 Have I Got News for You


Episode 5

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Jo Brand. In the news this week,

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checking out the venue before a rally for Scottish independence,

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the SNP's head of health and safety arrives with his lunch.

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At his country home in Chester, Liam Gallagher hears

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there may be some paparazzi lurking in the bushes.

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And, in Sidcup,

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maverick WI treasurer Betty Wilson flouts her six-month ban

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to attend a coffee morning.

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On Ian's team tonight is a writer and Daily Mail journalist

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whose latest book is called Patronising Bastards,

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and I'm sure it's a very, very good book for a journalist.

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Please welcome Quentin Letts.

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APPLAUSE

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And with Paul tonight, a comedian and broadcaster

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who has five children under the age of eight.

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He desperately wanted to be here last week,

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partly to discuss the Chinese leadership story,

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but mainly because it was half term.

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Please welcome Miles Jupp.

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APPLAUSE

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And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

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Ian and Quentin, take a look at this.

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-There's the House of Commons.

-Sexminster.

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No, THAT'S the House of Commons!

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That's Rocket Man, having a feel.

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And he's off. The former Defence Secretary.

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It's pathetic, this isn't a sex scandal, Ian, is it?

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I mean, there doesn't seem to be any sex at the moment.

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-No...

-But, I mean, you know,

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-Berlusconi, in bunga bunga land.

-Yes.

-That's a sex scandal.

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Could you not take your hands...

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I think that's mostly the nature of it, yes.

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It's a grope scandal.

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This is Jane Austen.

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Grope And Gropeability.

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I missed that book.

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Boris is not involved.

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No, he wasn't on the list,

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which you haven't seen - and nor have I.

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How do you know he wasn't on the list if you haven't seen it?

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Damn you, Merton!

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No further questions, m'lud.

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You have to feel sorry for Michael Fallon.

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When the news broke last night, the female BBC journalist

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kept describing him as a safe pair of hands.

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Unfortunate phrasing in the circumstances.

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Do you know why he's gone?

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Cos it can't just be that one story about Julia Hartley-Brewer,

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because she said, "I don't care."

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He's brave.

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Hartley-Brewer - big, strong girl.

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-She's not a girl.

-She's got reach, as they say in boxing.

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She's a woman, Quentin, she's not a girl.

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APPLAUSE Um... She...

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Can I just say, I don't feel sorry for Michael Fallon at all.

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I keep wanting to call him "Michael Phallus," actually.

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Where are the Lib Dems, that's what I want to know, in this sex scandal?

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Normally they are way in the front, in any sex scandal,

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and they've been left trailing.

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Well, there's not enough of them any more.

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They can't even round up a decent gang of sex offenders.

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A threesome would be a push, wouldn't it?

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It would be a push.

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Has anyone here ever touched a knee?

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I'm touching two now.

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Not your own, Miles.

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He didn't say it was his own.

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Well, the Times published a redacted version of the list.

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A damning indictment of MPs' behaviour, or, if you prefer,

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a fun-packed Missing Words round.

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I mean, here's one, for example.

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Clothing, presumably.

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-Perfume.

-Women's suffrage banners.

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Yes, well...

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Lloyd George again.

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OK, try the next one.

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Own sweets.

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That's just sensible.

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It's "personal trainer".

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-There we go.

-Some of this is not high-level crime, is it?

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-No. No, no, no.

-Not compared to Putin or Trump.

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But if I can I just say,

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as the only representative of the female gender here today,

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I know it's not high-level,

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but it doesn't have to be high-level for women to feel under siege

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in somewhere like the House of Commons, and actually, for women,

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if you're constantly being harassed, even in a small way, that builds up,

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and that wears you down.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Sorry, I thought I was on Question Time there for a minute.

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As you point out, with four blokes sitting around you,

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we're hardly in a position to say, "That's rubbish."

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There is a wide range of behaviour on offer.

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One MP is described as...

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-What, can he drive?

-Well, I don't know.

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I thought maybe it meant he'd hold your chips

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while you throw up out the window, I don't know.

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That's what I'm looking for in a man, you know.

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What a showbiz life you lead, Jo.

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I tell you, Paul, you should come out with me for the night,

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-it's marvellous.

-I should, yeah. I should.

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What did the list have to say about Amber Rudd?

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Oh, she'd had an affair, a post-marital affair,

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with another MP,

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and he wasn't married either.

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So what? You know, she's having a love life, good for her.

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-Fair enough.

-Yes, but they're very puritan,

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this particular bunch of researchers,

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and that was put on the list.

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"Enjoying life"!

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Now, Labour are obviously trying to keep their heads down

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while the Tories self-destruct again, but why can't they this time?

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-They've had a rather serious rape allegation.

-Very serious.

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Which is way above the level of comedy.

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And there's also one of their chaps

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who's accused of being very good on a discotheque floor.

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Is that a euphemism?

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- No, that is the actual offence. - He has rhythm?

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Moves rhythmically to music.

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-Well, he's got to go.

-Yeah.

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That's absolutely perverted.

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Now, what's John McDonald's record with women like?

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-He's into lynching.

-That's right.

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He's really politically correct about it, though, because in 2014,

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when he wanted to encourage someone

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to murder Tory Minister Esther McVey,

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he was very careful to use non-sexist language when he said...

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-Not too good, then.

-Who made a rubbish joke on Radio 4 last week?

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Guilty!

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Michael Gove, on the Today programme.

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That's right, with the help of Neil Kinnock, I do believe,

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when they compared John Humphrys to Harvey Weinstein.

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Interesting that the audience of metropolitan lefty liberals

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who were there to celebrate 60 years of the Today programme

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and John Humphrys seemed to find it hilarious.

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Now, Quentin, didn't you upset Polly Toynbee of the Guardian on the radio

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-last week?

-Yes, I did, I did.

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She accused me of being Harvey Weinstein, in her column,

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-the next day.

-Why did she accuse you of being Harvey Weinstein?

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Because I was having a ding-dong with her...

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An argument!

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..on the radio...

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A consensual argument?

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I thought she was being a bit of a miserable old battle-axe, so I said,

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"Come on, Polly, I want to pin you down and tickle your tummy,

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"sometimes, cheer you up."

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You said, "Tickle you under the armpits and make you smile,

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-"my dear."

-Yeah. Well, why not? She could do with it.

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-Cheering up.

-I think the pinning her down bit's not great.

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Well, how else do you tickle someone under the armpits?

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I suppose you can run up behind them.

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Oh!

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This is the sex scandal engulfing Westminster.

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According to the redacted dossier, a...

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Why are these jobs never advertised?!

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According to the Daily Mail,

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Speaker John Bercow once recommended the chat-up line,

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"If you're free later,

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"maybe we could go back to your place and name your breasts."

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Not a great line, but it did get three series on ITV 2.

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Did you watch it, Morecambe and Wise?

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Much better than Little and Large, if you think about it.

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Paul and Miles, take a look at this.

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Yes, the appropriately named White House.

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-Not sure what they're doing.

-Very discreet policeman.

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Crouching for democracy.

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This is Paul Manafort,

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who's given himself in to the FBI earlier this week,

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and, "North Korea's that way, Mr President."

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Yes, President Trump apparently is seething,

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according to insiders in the White House,

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he's glued to this Russian coverage,

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it's taking up every minute of his waking day.

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That's not very long, is it?

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-Well...

-The bit between the telly and the tweeting.

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George Papadopoulos is the guy that's admitted lying to the FBI.

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If you're found guilty of lying to the FBI,

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it's a five-year prison sentence,

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but because he's cooperating, that'll be reduced to six months,

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so there's a lot of worried people at the moment.

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Absolutely. Two key aides of Trump, you mention Paul Manafort,

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and a business associate, also, Rick Gates,

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face charges of money-laundering,

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tax evasion and conspiracy to defraud the US government.

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And former policy adviser George Papadopoulos...

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Who has the greatest forehead in the history of the world, look at that.

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-It's amazing, isn't it?

-It's incredibly shiny and flat.

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And orange.

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Same colour as the bus behind him that's going to Putney Bridge.

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Experts believe this picture was taken in London.

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It's basically about the Russians trying to influence

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-the American election.

-And succeeding.

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-Yeah.

-It's a success story.

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Yeah.

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Why aren't we getting behind it? What's wrong with us?

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Manafort's connections with Russian and Ukrainian oligarchs are clear,

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but does Trump have any connections to these people?

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He owes them millions of dollars.

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He's in serious debt to the Russians.

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Can you back me up on this, Ian?

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Yeah, no. Whatever you say, Miles, I reckon, is true, and worse.

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Here's Manafort convincingly explaining to us that actually,

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Trump doesn't have any connections to these people,

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during the 2016 election.

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So to be clear, Mr Trump has no financial relationships

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-with any Russian oligarchs?

-That's what he said.

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That's obviously what our position is.

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I believe him, he's got a trustworthy face.

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Now, of course, the news agencies

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were very excited by Manafort's arrest,

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with nearly all of them focusing heavily on the breaking story.

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CNN was right on the money.

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Here we are.

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NBC also had its finger on the pulse.

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Someone pointed out, Fox News found something else to report on.

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What is the emoji cheeseburger crisis?

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Does anybody know? What's wrong with the burger on the right?

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It's got the cheese slice underneath the burger.

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That is almost as disgusting as dancing.

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Would you put the lettuce underneath the burger on the left?

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All of these people are absolutely deranged.

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It's like it's been thrown together with no thought at all.

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What emotion does it convey, this symbol?

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Happiness, for me.

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Who other than George Papadopoulos is particularly suffering because of

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George Papadopoulos's arrest?

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George Papadopoulos.

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Indeed. That's right. But not that one, another one.

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Another one?

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This one's a financial planner,

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who was deluged with tweets as the story broke. He tweeted...

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To which Michael Bolton replied...

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Other people to offer support were a Bruce Lee,

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a James Taylor and a Jim Morrison, so...

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Now, Trump is known as a genius when it comes to business and also...

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-By whom?

-..and also branding.

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-By himself.

-Mr Putin.

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Well, he's quite a successful businessman.

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No, he isn't. You must never give him that credit.

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All right. He's a shit businessman.

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I said the right thing!

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He inherited money from his father,

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and the New York Times calculated if he'd put it in a bank

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and done nothing for the next 20 years,

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he'd be richer than he is now.

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He went bankrupt, you know, he went bankrupt running a casino,

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first man in history.

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How do you do that, how do you lose money?

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Now, there was more suspicion surrounding Trump this week,

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he's suspected of masquerading as somebody...

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-On Halloween?

-Someone wrote a letter saying all women love Donald Trump.

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That's right. He was suspected as masquerading as his own secretary,

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a woman called Carolyn, in 1992.

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Now, a letter has surfaced that Carolyn wrote to New York Magazine.

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See if you can pick up on the subtle signs

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that led people to think Donald might have written it, here we go.

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OK, this is the latest evidence of links between the White House

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and Russia. After the FBI arrested Trump campaign adviser

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George Papadopoulos,

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a White House spokesman insisted he was just a coffee boy whose only

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involvement was ordering caramel macchiato,

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leading to a panicked Trump to tweet,

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"I never met Caramel Macchiato."

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Trump's former campaign chairman Paul Manafort

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has been accused of setting up a business in London

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to launder millions of dollars.

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According to the Telegraph,

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the company operated from...

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A property in Finchley!

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My God, how much money have these people got?!

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At the White House Halloween celebrations,

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there was an awkward moment

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between Donald Trump and an inflatable dinosaur.

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"I just didn't like the look of its big scary head

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"and tiny little hands,"

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said the dinosaur.

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APPLAUSE

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And so to round two, the picture spin quiz.

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Fingers on buzzers, teams.

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Yes, this is the Great British Bake Off. That's Prue Leith.

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She was in another country and got her time zones wrong

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and she tweeted congratulations to the winner of the Great British

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Bake Off some 12 hours before we were meant to find out who it was.

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But it didn't affect the ratings.

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Still people tuned in and it just shows you, people love cakes.

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-And who won?

-Do you not know?

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-No.

-No.

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Sophie.

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-Are you any the wiser?

-No.

-No.

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What was her creation?

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What did she make that was the best baked cake ever made?

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She made something called an entremet.

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-Oh, yes.

-Do you knows what that is?

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No, it's a ballet move, I know that much.

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It's the sort of thing you would see in a patisserie that's got lots of

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different flavoured layers of mousse.

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A feuilletine.

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A feuilletine?

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Feuilletine, mm.

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Feuilletine.

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-Yeah.

-Do you bake, Quentin?

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I do, I do a very good flapjack.

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Flapjacks are piss easy.

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Listen, even I can do a flapjack.

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Mine are jolly good.

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Prue broke the news thus in a tweet at 10.37am.

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Prue wrote...

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What time was it where she was?

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I mean, was she up in the middle of the night somewhere?

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I'm just worried about her.

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We all should be, she's gone missing.

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Well, the final was many, many months ago.

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-Oh, was it?

-Yeah. And so they have to keep it secret for quite a time.

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And it finished months ago?

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-Yeah.

-Well, what are they doing?

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-Just sitting on it?

-Waiting for them to cool.

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We bakers do that.

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Anyway, she was on holiday, got confused, she told reporters...

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Does anyone know what the worst thing Mary Berry ever did

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on the show was?

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It was about letting information slip that she shouldn't have done.

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Oh, she revealed that when she's at home she blacks up.

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No.

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A sort of "black berry".

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APPLAUSE

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Well, she let a name slip. Correcting radio host Chris Evans,

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Mary listed three bakers who'd left the tent

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when viewers only knew about two.

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-Hm.

-Now, winner Sophie used to be in the military.

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How did she put her skills to use in the final?

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She shot someone.

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There was a drone attack on the marquee.

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She deployed some extreme multitasking

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by whipping, mixing and gelling,

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all at the same time, while bellowing...

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The MoD has since ordered 50,000 cans of squirty cream

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and a new Magimix for immediate deployment.

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Finally - and this is a slight parallel shift -

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what whoopsie did Amanda Holden make on ITV's This Morning?

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Oh, she was interviewing Tim Peake, the astronaut.

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That's right, yeah.

0:19:320:19:33

And she asked him whether he'd brought back any moon rock.

0:19:330:19:36

From the moon. And he had to say, "I'm terribly sorry,

0:19:360:19:39

"I didn't go to the moon. And nor did anyone else since 1972."

0:19:390:19:44

Shall we just have a little look at it, because we've got a clip.

0:19:440:19:47

Absolutely.

0:19:470:19:48

I don't know whether you'd be allowed to answer it, really,

0:19:480:19:51

cos it might be a naughty thing.

0:19:510:19:53

When you went to the moon,

0:19:530:19:54

did you take a piece of the moon and bring it back home with you?

0:19:540:19:57

So I wasn't on the moon. I was in the Space Station.

0:19:570:19:59

Is that how he dresses the whole time?

0:20:010:20:04

That's how he got the job.

0:20:050:20:07

It is amazing Amanda Holden didn't know Tim Peake spent time

0:20:070:20:11

on the Space Station,

0:20:110:20:12

because he never stops bloody banging on about it.

0:20:120:20:14

Anyway, this is Prue Leith accidentally revealing

0:20:150:20:18

the winner of Bake Off.

0:20:180:20:20

According to the Times' TV reviewer,

0:20:200:20:22

the final challenges were very tough.

0:20:220:20:25

Obviously he's better with Pi.

0:20:290:20:31

GROANING

0:20:310:20:32

Quite right.

0:20:330:20:35

Time now for the odd one out round.

0:20:370:20:40

Your four are Ernest Hemingway,

0:20:400:20:42

Donald Trump,

0:20:420:20:44

Admiral of the Fleet John Arbuthnot Fisher,

0:20:440:20:47

and a drunk Australian with a camera.

0:20:470:20:49

Something to do with fake news,

0:20:490:20:51

because Trump has come out this week and said something about... Oh, no,

0:20:510:20:54

the dictionary has come out this week about fake news.

0:20:540:20:56

-Yes.

-Is this "fake news" is a word of the year,

0:20:560:20:59

"selfie" was a word of the year, John Fisher's...

0:20:590:21:02

He invented the term "Buggins' turn".

0:21:020:21:04

-He...

-He did.

0:21:040:21:06

Is that a sexual practice?

0:21:060:21:08

No, you're right on the new words, so...

0:21:080:21:11

Hemingway invented "selfie" as a word.

0:21:110:21:14

-No.

-No.

-But there is someone who invented "selfie" as a word there.

0:21:140:21:19

I used to be wearing a cravat.

0:21:190:21:21

-What happened to it?

-It's round the back there.

0:21:210:21:23

-Is it?

-It's come undone.

0:21:230:21:25

-What's happened?

-My cravat's gone.

0:21:250:21:27

I can see the back of it there.

0:21:290:21:30

Yeah, I know, but how did it get round there?

0:21:300:21:32

I don't know.

0:21:320:21:33

-It's just...

-I swear it was unconscious when I put it on.

0:21:330:21:36

It's undone itself.

0:21:360:21:38

It's only the second time I've ever worn one.

0:21:380:21:40

I didn't know they had a mind of their own.

0:21:400:21:42

Oh, I can see a bit of it down there as well.

0:21:420:21:44

I can see it. It's down in the shirt bit, it's down in the shirt.

0:21:440:21:46

Oh, look, there it is, look.

0:21:460:21:48

-Hey.

-Look like Lord Lucan coming back from a casino.

0:21:500:21:54

Hello, everyone.

0:21:540:21:55

I'll give you a really massive clue.

0:21:590:22:01

-OK.

-But not quite... They've all coined new words, except...

0:22:010:22:05

-Yeah, we said that.

-Well, who's the odd one out?

0:22:050:22:07

Except Donald Trump. Donald Trump's the odd one out.

0:22:070:22:09

Yes, he is.

0:22:090:22:10

-Why?

-Because he hasn't coined any new words.

0:22:100:22:14

They've all coined new words except Donald Trump, who claimed he...

0:22:140:22:19

Had invented a new word.

0:22:190:22:21

He invented the word "fake", according to him.

0:22:210:22:23

-That's right.

-I mean, this question is rubbish.

0:22:230:22:25

Yes.

0:22:250:22:26

I don't write the questions.

0:22:270:22:29

He claimed he invented...

0:22:290:22:30

I don't want to be rude,

0:22:300:22:32

-I'm just saying.

-Oh, be rude.

0:22:320:22:33

He claimed he invented the word "fake",

0:22:330:22:36

despite its first appearance in 1775.

0:22:360:22:40

That's when he married his first wife.

0:22:400:22:44

-So let's hear from the man himself.

-Yeah.

0:22:440:22:46

The media is...

0:22:460:22:48

really the word, I think one of the greatest of all terms I've come up

0:22:480:22:53

with is "fake". I guess other people have used it perhaps over the years,

0:22:530:22:56

but I've never noticed it.

0:22:560:22:57

Did his barber never mention it to him?

0:23:010:23:04

-Or his wife?

-Yes.

0:23:090:23:11

So, do you know, how were horses involved in the creation of fakery?

0:23:140:23:19

Trojan horse. No.

0:23:190:23:22

No, that's a very good guess.

0:23:220:23:23

-It is, isn't it?

-No, according to language website Haggard Hawks,

0:23:230:23:28

"fake" might have come via the 19th century slang word "to feague",

0:23:280:23:32

meaning in the equine business...

0:23:320:23:34

Is that the eel or the horse that's more sprightly?

0:23:400:23:43

Apparently, they have to put one up Eamonn Holmes every morning

0:23:430:23:47

-to make him appear more sprightly.

-Well, he does have to get up early.

0:23:470:23:50

Yes, exactly. I'm going to try it.

0:23:500:23:53

Do you know him that well?

0:23:530:23:54

Well... The term "selfie" was first used by a drunk Australian.

0:23:570:24:03

What did we learn this week about millennials and selfies?

0:24:030:24:06

They like them.

0:24:060:24:08

-They hate them.

-They do.

-They're indifferent to them.

-They spend...

0:24:080:24:11

Over 65s actually spend the same time, but that's per picture.

0:24:140:24:17

They can never work out which button takes a photo.

0:24:210:24:24

Anyway, what surprisingly modern term

0:24:240:24:28

did Admiral of the Fleet John Fisher

0:24:280:24:30

coin in a letter to Churchill, back in 1917?

0:24:300:24:33

I think I know this.

0:24:330:24:35

-OMG.

-It was indeed, well done, Quentin.

0:24:350:24:37

Do you know what made Lord Fisher say that?

0:24:370:24:40

Was it an eel?

0:24:400:24:41

He was actually making a pun about a new title which he had

0:24:450:24:48

heard was to be created, called the Order of St Michael and St George.

0:24:480:24:52

He alluded to it in his letter to Churchill like this...

0:24:520:24:55

Which I think we can all agree

0:25:000:25:02

is roflcopter megalolz.

0:25:020:25:04

Um...

0:25:040:25:05

Churchill was less amused when Fisher described his wife as a milf.

0:25:070:25:11

Ernest Hemingway, who coined the term shit-faced,

0:25:170:25:19

was famous for his bad language and obscenity,

0:25:190:25:22

which explains the original title of his book,

0:25:220:25:24

The Old Man And The C Word.

0:25:240:25:27

Time now for the missing words round, and we start with...

0:25:270:25:32

Conservative minister.

0:25:370:25:39

Apparently, it's...

0:25:460:25:48

Take it from me, everyone on these dating websites is lying,

0:25:500:25:54

or my name's not Astrid Svensson, 22, Swedish gymnast.

0:25:540:25:58

Next...

0:26:000:26:01

Auditioned for Strictly Come Dancing.

0:26:060:26:09

Was a Nazi.

0:26:090:26:11

Taught a weekly zumba class.

0:26:130:26:15

Yes!

0:26:150:26:16

As seen here.

0:26:230:26:25

I don't know which one he is.

0:26:250:26:27

Next...

0:26:290:26:31

Is it Michael Gove?

0:26:340:26:35

-Is it the tide?

-Yes, got to be.

0:26:380:26:42

Some very late Germans.

0:26:430:26:45

Finally...

0:26:520:26:53

Becomes Defence Secretary.

0:26:560:26:58

-Urgently sought.

-Yeah.

0:27:020:27:04

That's a kick in the teeth for David Attenborough, isn't it?

0:27:130:27:16

After all that work he puts in.

0:27:180:27:20

So, the final scores are Ian and Quentin have five,

0:27:210:27:25

but Paul and Miles are the winners, with six.

0:27:250:27:29

Unbelievable.

0:27:290:27:30

Well done.

0:27:300:27:32

But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

0:27:330:27:37

I still can't find Keith, but I've left him another note.

0:27:380:27:41

And I leave you with news that in the basement of Labour Party HQ,

0:27:460:27:51

the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg

0:27:510:27:53

recovers from the knockout drops to be met with a worrying sight.

0:27:530:27:57

The morning after the Great British Bake Off Final party,

0:28:050:28:08

Prue Leith recovers at the hairdresser's.

0:28:080:28:10

And after a frantic week of searching,

0:28:140:28:16

the Gove family at last find their pet hedgehog.

0:28:160:28:19

Goodnight.

0:28:220:28:24

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