Episode 11 Have I Got Old News For You

Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Jo Brand.

-I'm Alan Johnson.

-I'm Stephen Mangan.

-I'm David Mitchell.

-I'm Miranda Hart.

-I'm Bill Bailey.

In the news this week, in Clydebank,

there's a slightly embarrassing BBC report on the Navy submarine with only one toilet...

In Soho, an enthusiastic trainee cameraman begins work

on the set of Lesbian Nurses 3.

In Westminster, David Cameron goes through the usual routine

after shaking hands with some working class people.

And after his BBC salary is cut, Jeremy Paxman has no option

but to take a second job on the QVC shopping channel.

Time to get yourself a nice warm woolly this autumn.

It's available through any of the 300 high-street branches of Edinburgh Woollen Mill.

-Paul and Russ, take a look at this.

-Ah, right.

-This is Miss BNP.

I don't think he's a real policeman.

We do these things so much better, don't we?

Weddings. Somebody said they employed lip readers to see what they said.

She said "I do" at one point, he said "I do" at another.

Apparently Prince Charles, turned to Camilla, and through this lip reader, he said -

INCOHERENT MUMBLING

What nugget did David Cameron share with Nick Clegg?

I've never liked you.

-I want a divorce.

-Yeah. He revealed...

Let's be honest, she's a good-looking girl, but there's no need for that.

That's not seemly. That is just disrespectful.

Oi, use the hymn book, use the hymn book.

What's going to happen at Buckingham Palace at precisely 12:30am?

-They're turning the lights off.

-Absolutely.

All the foreign crews are furious, because their audiences will have just woken up.

So, when the American broadcasters want to stand outside

Buckingham Palace, and say "Here I am, live," it's going to be completely dark.

How selfish of us!

Why couldn't we time the wedding to be in the middle of the night here?

And then the Americans could watch!

I hope there are ad breaks, so that NBC can shove in an advert for...

-IN POSH VOICE:

-..what is it, nachos, they have?!

According to the Telegraph,

Kate has invited her very first boyfriend, Willem Marx.

I like Williams that are too posh to bother with the "e" bit. "Willem."

"What's your name?"

Is it Bill, Will, William, Willem, murrrr?

Yeah.

Yes, this was the fairytale royal wedding.

It was covered by the world's media, including the German newspaper Bild, which lamented...

David Beckham wore his OBE,

but breached etiquette by wearing it on the wrong side,

but to be fair it was on the correct side when he checked in the mirror.

This is obviously the News International story, the phone hacking, Hugh Grant.

There is the editor of the News of the World doing some research.

They been phone hacking people for years, and said they weren't.

They said it was the result of a "lone hacker".

The editor the News Of The World at the time said he had no idea it was going on.

Why would he? He's editing the paper.

I can tell you I have no idea what happens at all at Private Eye.

-No idea.

-That is self-evident.

-Yes!

Who's good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this enquiry?

He made the scurrilous assertion that the Daily Mail might have,

in some way, been involved in phone hacking,

which they refute entirely, I understand.

The Daily Mail utterly refute this.

The Daily Mail does not want to be associated with phone hacking.

The last thing the Daily Mail wants

is for its name to appear in the same headline

as a phone hacking scandal.

-Has that cleared that up?

-Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal.

Did anyone read anything about other cast members

in the phone hacking scandal this week?

Rebekah Wade, the former editor

of the News of the World and the Sun, is having a baby,

but it's through a surrogate,

and she's asked for privacy.

That is correct. She is expecting a baby via a surrogate mother.

Or as the Sun might have put it...

The News of the World may be dead, but it's wretched ghost continues to haunt.

The News of the World paid a private investigator to carry out

surveillance on the hacking victims' lawyer, Mark Lewis,

which involved following the ex-wife of Mr Lewis

and his teenage daughter as they visited a branch of Tesco.

Well, if you're looking to intimidate someone,

every little helps.

This is Wayne Rooney, who, this week, has had a hair transplant.

Do you know how the operation actually works?

The find the hairs on his arse and pull them all the way through.

I knew it. I knew it.

Apparently, they dig out the hair follicles from a place

-on his body where the hair's still growing and stick them on his head.

-Exactly.

How did the news leak out that Wayne had had a weave?

He tweeted on Twitter. He showed his bonce, his arse bonce to the world.

His bum head was displayed.

There, old bottom nut.

What did his message that accompanied the picture say?

My head feels great but my ass hurts a little bit.

How would you describe Wayne's old hairstyle?

-Defunct? Gone?

-Technically, it's known as a widow's peak,

which, for Wayne, is usually around 75.

His avatar on the brand new FIFA '12 game will need to be altered

as it features his old widow's peak.

I think, if you look at the background of that photo,

you can make out Ryan Giggs shagging his sister-in-law.

Rooney's the ridicule of his Manchester United team-mates

this week after a humiliating photograph appeared in the tabloids of him on holiday -

with his wife.

As an elderly gentleman sits down to watch his favourite TV programme,

he begins to wonder what the terrible racket outside is.

There's evidence that some people already have access

to the gruesome photo of Osama Bin Laden's dead body.

Yes, they got him. I expect that's the trouble over(!)

That picture of them watching was weird, in the Situation Room, watching it on TV.

It's a fascinating picture

because you don't see what they're looking at.

Hillary Clinton looks so thoughtful. I like to think, if you look the other way,

it would be Michelle showing them colour swatches...

New evidence has emerged that US personnel practised for months

on every aspect of the Osama operation including the burial at sea.

So Gaddafi's dead, big comedy moment.

That's Obama providing light sabres to the rebels.

-Where was he found?

-In a sewer.

-A sewer pipe.

-They're always found underground, never in the air.

This is the thing. There must be something online called Tunnels For Tyrants.

-TFT.

-They learned the lesson this time.

With Saddam, he was found and they had to put him on trial,

but, luckily, this time, he was shot.

So we didn't have to see the character witnesses

turning out for Gaddafi.

Tony Blair...

Do you know what else they were doing in Sirte,

by way of celebration?

Were they dressing up as Gaddafi?

Dangerous, I would have thought.

-Too soon.

-Apparently, the shops were thrown open

so people could help themselves to whatever they fancied.

A tradition started in Tottenham this summer.

How has Obama described the US involvement in Libya?

He's not involved, he's just gone over to complain about the noise.

Yeah. He's described it as...and...

And behind the scenes, he referred to the Libya situation as...

Did they cut the crusts off? I don't like crusts.

Did anyone see Sarah Palin's reaction on Fox News?

She came up with a new word for it.

I haven't heard the president say we are at war and that's why I too

am not knowing, do we use the term "intervention" do we use "war"

do we use "squirmish"? What is it?

-1st birthday.

-That looks lovely, that cake.

Look, it's all sad now, one year on. Aw!

He's so lonely!

It's coalition government. You share the responsibilities.

The Conservatives do the winning and...

Was anyone surprised by the AV vote?

No.

All the polls said it would go that way and it did.

The AV campaign saw politicians from different parties teaming up,

such as Ed Miliband and Vince Cable and David Cameron and John Reid

in the semi-finals of Bald Old Man And Shiny Posh Friend Of The Year.

Oh, yes. This is the travellers being run out of...

Olympic Stadium's coming on well.

That is the demolition of part of the Dale Farm travellers' site.

It had been reported that several people have been Tasered.

Many Essex residents thought this was a new beauty treatment.

It's about 10 years this has been going on.

They have spent 18 million quid on 40 families.

It's the most staggering waste of time and effort.

People said, "I can't believe this much money has been spent."

At least turn it into some kind of show.

The caravan being evicted this week will be...

What's the other protest that's been going on peacefully?

That's the protest outside St Paul's against the terrible world economy.

They tweet about it on their iPhones in-between getting cafe lattes

and housing themselves in some very fancy tents.

They are against capitalism except for the lattes.

So if they buy coffee, their opinions are worthless?

If they prop up a corporate titan like Starbucks,

they have to ask themselves how much of capitalism they really don't like.

You can't negate them because they drink coffee.

That's like saying to a condemned man, on the way to the gallows,

when he's blubbing, "You ate your last meal, what's the matter?"

You can't be against capitalism

and then take everything that it provides.

"Everything"?! A Cup of coffee?!

One cup of coffee and they can't...

Can't they be about... Sorry. No, no, no.

It's just so obvious, I can't be bothered.

What were you going to say?

You don't have to want to return

to a barter system in the Stone Age to complain about the way the financial crisis

affected large numbers of people in the world, do you?

Even if you're having a cup of coffee and you've got a tent.

CHEERING

The most violent protests saw young people go on the rampage in Italy.

To be fair, if anyone's guilty of screwing the younger generation,

it's Silvio Berlusconi.

-Berlusconi obviously.

-This is the passing of a comedy legend!

He's not embarrassed by anything, that's his secret.

That little dance he was doing, he was impersonating a disabled person.

-Yep.

-That's someone who's not easily embarrassed then.

-It's his Ricky Gervais act.

-In our country,

we've taken the decision not to give Ricky Gervais much fiscal power.

Meanwhile, the German government has discovered it's going

to get £14 billion more in tax this year than it expected

and unemployment is at its lowest for 20 years...

which is great news.

Good for them.

Lucky, lucky old Germans.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer country.

APPLAUSE

While Germany's having a nice time, Greece is still struggling.

Jeremy Paxman upset the Greeks on Newsnight this week.

Anyone see this?

It was a bit aggressive even by Paxo standards.

He'd obviously had a dodgy kebab

on the way in and he just went for the bloke.

Here he is talking to a Greek man.

It is not the fault of the rest of the European Union.

It is the fault of the Greeks. Why is it the Greeks are so dishonest?

GROANING

The paradox is that, if they are so dishonest, he's not going to give an honest answer.

-Shall we play name seven things the Greeks invented according to the Sun?

-Yes. Let's.

-Feta cheese.

-No.

-Democracy.

-Democracy is one of them, yes.

-The Olympics.

-Yes.

-Nana Mouskouri.

-Yes, but they didn't put that there.

-Drama.

Yes, theatre is one of them. Mazes,

the Olympics, democracy, theatre, geometry,

lesbians...

..and N-Dubz.

There was quite a drop-off after they created democracy, wasn't there?

Italy's current debt stands at...

Still, could be worse. It could be in lire.

And so to round 2, the cloche of news.

Carson the butler will lift the cloche revealing an item

or items relating to a news story of the week.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

BUZZER

Is this the film of the gentleman chasing his dog, Benton?

A dog who was chasing deer and he was just screaming "Benton!"

He's not come forward, but some youth, as they always do,

was filming it on his mobile telephone device.

It's got over a million hits on YouTube or something.

-Is absolutely the right answer.

-Is absolutely the right answer?!

APPLAUSE

Shall we have a look at internet sensation...

If we don't, I'll fight anyone who says we can't.

Benton! Benton! Benton!

Benton! Benton!

Benton!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Benton!

-Following this, Benton went viral and both he and Jesus...

-Why?!

Why did people think that was entertaining?

Totally out of focus camera shots, some deer in the background,

some bloke shouting "Benton" and millions of people have watched it.

I'm in the wrong business.

Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?

-He's a glove puppet.

-His real name's Fenton.

Is absolutely right.

No.

Does anyone know what the Sun's headline for the Benton story was?

Humanity reaches the bottom of the barrel.

We are all doomed. The last person to leave the planet, tell Fenton.

Human beings duped into watching crap on new invention.

It was... The Sun ended its report...

This gets worse and worse.

Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story anywhere?

-No.

-The Sun ended its report saying...

And the good news is that they've tracked down Benton and his owner

and the dog's been destroyed.

I'm only joking, animal lovers.

That was the best bit.

The other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...

Can anyone tell me what Gavin, the world's most sarcastic gorilla,

has been up to this week?

Gavin lives at Jerusalem Zoo. According to the Metro...

This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit after chasing deer in Richmond Park.

The next time Benton's owner left the park, he took no chances.

He left the dog at home and went on his bike.

Whoa!

Now, that was worth seeing.

The M1 was closed and a fella in a dressing gown did his ironing on it.

There was a fire on the M1. I knew about it.

As I was driving along, my sat nav melted.

How did he explain his behaviour? What did he say?

I've been under a lot of stress.

I've got a pressing engagement.

What did the Highways Agency have to say about the whole thing?

If we'd had a gun, we would have shot him dead.

How's that for irony?!

Papers were quick to criticise slow-moving transport chiefs.

What, in particular, did they pick up on?

There was a fire under the bridge and, as far as I know,

most of the M1 is still closed

whereas the Japanese has a tsunami and their motorways are up and open.

Absolutely right. The papers pointed out that the Japanese motorway ripped apart

by the earthquake was completely restored

six days later, but, to be fair, no-one has stuck up for British workers and said

our motorways came through the Japanese earthquake unscathed.

There's great comfort in those words.

This is the closure of the M1 causing motorists marginally more misery than usual.

Apparently there were already plans to reinforce the northbound

stretch of the M1 after rumours that Eric Pickles was planning

to give John Prescott a lift home for Easter.

Sorry, Pickles.

You're sorry?! I'm the one who'll get it in the neck on Tuesday morning.

Has he got no sense of direction?

HE MOUTHS

BELL

The clue is the ferry.

This is the English rugby team coming back from

their not very happy World Cup and

this is a member of the team deciding the best way to celebrate

being knocked out was to jump off the ferry and swim to the nearby

pontoon, I suppose they're called.

This is another story in the disastrous tour abroad for the English rugby team.

Do you know the name of the guy that jumped off the ferry?

-No, I don't.

-It starts with M and it sounds a bit New Zealand-y.

Moichael! Moichael! Moi name's Moichael.

That's terrible.

His name is Manu Tuilagi. Do you know what the repercussions were?

He met David Walliams.

England coach Martin Johnson also said he had been...

Mike Tindall got into trouble when he was seen in a bar with an old flame.

Old flame meaning ex-girlfriend,

not something shooting out of a rugby player's buttocks.

Time now for the odd-one-out round.

-Charlie Chaplin.

-Never heard of him.

Goldfish in Stockport, Baroness Warsi

and a house in Swansea.

The only house in the news is the one that looks like Hitler.

There's a house in Swansea that looks like Hitler?!

Hitler's only got one hall.

There's a house that has a porch and a sloped roof that looks a bit...

Yeah, Nuremberg rallies when he had a bit off guttering round the side of his head.

So, if there's a house that looks like Hitler, Charlie Chaplin with

the moustache which later was appropriated by Hitler.

So has the goldfish or Baroness what's-her-name got a Hitler moustache?

There is a fish that looks a bit like Hitler.

That lets us off then.

So Baroness what's-her-name is the odd one out cos she's the only one

who's never been compared to Hitler.

They've all been likened to Hitler apart from Baroness Warsi

who has recently been likened to Goebbels.

I have to show a picture of the house that looks like Hitler.

I'm on tenterhooks.

Yeah, sort of.

He wants to get rid of that 'pole' in front of it, by the way.

APPLAUSE

The goldfish in Stockport has been likened to Hitler...

Well, a cross between Hitler and Roy Orbison.

His name of course is Adolphish.

This allowed the Sun to dust off some photos from the website...

Would you like to see a picture of Mein Fuhrer?

That's fantastically good.

It looks more sinister than Hitler.

I'd rather have Hitler on my lap than that cat.

You know your own business best.

Time for the missing words round...

..To tour with Smashing Pumpkins.

APPLAUSE

These are melons that exploded as a result of a growth chemical.

A story which caused total panic in the Katie Price household.

That cartoon of Mohammed.

Don't broadcast that. It was just for us.

No, no. Just for you, just for you.

APPLAUSE

A group of Finnish lawyers has suggested new EU sexual harassment laws should cover women eating

ice creams provocatively in front of male colleagues.

I wouldn't do that. I always make sure I'm alone before I open my Mivvi.

Do you get a 99 with that?

Or cheese and pickle, the choice is yours.

The furry dolphin, the cheese and pickle, what do you want?

The answer is...

Rare.

Herr Haha.

I think, Ian, you're near enough to it.

There's some survey, ranking countries how funny they are,

the Germans came bottom.

It was voted for, largely, by countries who the Germans had invaded at some stage.

The Germans are not a funny race. Knock, knock.

Who's there? The Gestapo. That's it.

We're going to have the German ambassador complaining

to this programme again.

-ACCENTED:

-For you, Ambassador, the joke is over.

Told to get to the end of the 'cue'.

APPLAUSE

Told he needs a break.

You're going to do them all.

Should have a rest on the bottom cushion.

Screw back for the brown.

Has learnt his lesson.

Will not sit by a snooker table yawning.

I'm going to win that contest.

Photograph in there, go on!

Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.

Big tall guy and little small guy go on a trip.

Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity.

Sarge, we thought this would be

quicker than turning the place upside down.

APPLAUSE

I leave you with news of a worrying sight for Michael Jackson's doctor as he arrives for his LA trial.

In Alabama, the inquest begins as to who put their new denim jeans in the washing machine.

At a meeting of the G8 countries, there's a tense moment

as Silvio Berlusconi prepares to address the Japanese prime minister.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd