Episode 7 Have I Got Old News For You

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Kirsty Young.

In the news this week, at the London Studios,

minutes before recording the show,

Justin Bieber meets the cast of Loose Women and has second thoughts.

At the Annual Professional Tennis Players' Dinner,

one player finds out he has to sit next to Andy Murray.

And at Kensington Palace,

the Queen vividly recreates the moment

when the Archbishop of Canterbury tripped over a corgi.

On Ian's team, an ex-Conservative MP

who claims his ancestor was the last man in Britain

to be beheaded for treason,

and his father was the first man in England to play Monopoly.

Please take a large pinch of salt and welcome Gyles Brandreth.

APPLAUSE

Factually accurate.

On Paul's team, a comedian who recently revealed to the Telegraph

that the thing that irritates him the most

is people who aren't curious.

There's probably a good reason for that but I can't be bothered to ask.

Please welcome Marcus Brigstocke.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Gyles, take a look at this.

Autumn!

Look!

Right, the strike.

Education policy at its height.

The apostrophe is wrong.

We've gone back in time to the '30s.

Two attractive young men going somewhere interesting.

You're not trying to get another job in the Tory party?

No, but it is almost compulsory

to be gay if you are a Conservative.

Ours is no longer the party with its back against the wall.

-It got weird quicker than you said.

-Yeah, didn't it?

-You said it would get weird...

-I said it definitely would.

..but you reckoned half way through. We have barely started.

They are undeniably good-looking, aren't they?

Yes, Gyles, they are lovely.

I know your standards are quite high, but I think they're attractive young men.

Gyles, shall we focus?

We honestly know what's going on.

This is the terrible strike of the week.

Depending on which paper you read, it was a terrible strike

or it was a non-event.

According to the Guardian...

Over 50 million people turned up.

It aroused strong passions on either side of the argument.

There was time for some gentlemanly behaviour.

Here's an ITN reporter

doing a piece to camera, obviously.

She had asked everyone behind her to agree to keep the noise down.

STRIKERS CHANT SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND

Tensions between the unions and Government have been heightened

following yesterday's decision by the Chancellor

to cap public sector pay rises at 1%.

That was described in the Daily Mail

as a vicious and violent uprising that ended in the death

of eight police officers.

Here's another picture that proves the point.

Look at these disgusting anarchists.

That's a proper British strike!

Who has been less than polite about the strikers

we're being led to understand?

Jeremy Clarkson had a few words to say about this.

He said they should all be taken out and shot in front of their families.

Although he did say some other things before that,

but they weren't much nicer.

He was keen on the idea of the strikes,

because it meant he could drive faster through London.

The BBC apologised

after Jeremy Clarkson appeared on the One Show on Wednesday.

Just so that you can form your own opinion,

here's what he actually said in context.

-Do you think the strikes have been a good idea?

-Fantastic.

Absolutely. London, today, has just been empty.

Everybody stayed at home, you could whizz about,

restaurants were empty.

The traffic has been good.

We have to balance it, because this is the BBC.

-Exactly.

-Yes, exactly.

Frankly, I would have them all shot.

I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

How dare they go on strike?

He was balancing it, saying there are two sides to every story.

Not quite two sides.

One is it's great these strikes wasting everyone's time, I can drive fast,

and on the other hand, I hate them as well.

We saw the beautiful George Osborne, as you said.

He gave his autumn statement this week. The Mirror on Wednesday

took their usual thoughtful, measured approach.

That is true. It sounds like a joke but he did go through that.

It's weeks like this, that made me glad I am no longer in politics.

Do you know, I think everyone feels the same!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The truth is, the one thing I could not stand about being an MP,

were my constituents.

You may loathe members of parliament,

but it is as nothing as to how we feel about you.

The other big headline this week was, that, despite everything,

it is going to take longer to pay off some of the country's debt

than the Government thought - seven years, rather than five.

Shall we hear what Paul Johnson,

from the Institute of Fiscal Studies has to say?

What we have been pointing out for a while

is that five years of spending cuts is more than we have managed before.

Seven years is even more.

Just to add to the gloom, one way and another,

I don't know if you've been watching Jeremy Paxman, but this was him

signing off from Newsnight on Tuesday.

That's all from Newsnight tonight

and we'll be back to depress you again tomorrow night. Till then, goodnight.

One of the measures that Osborne announced

was an increase in the tax on banks.

It's going to go up by how much, according to the Daily Mail?

0.02%.

You're very close. The Daily Mail said the tax on banks

is going to rise 10%.

Technically true - it went up to 0.088%.

A very depressed fellow from KPMG, a spokesman for the accountants,

said that...

They'll all move to Greece, presumably,

or Italy, Spain, or any of the other burgeoning banking economies.

Why don't the public sector workers threaten to leave?

It works for the bankers. Anything happens, and they say, we will go.

Just have the nurses and teachers say, we will go. Everyone go.

It would just be Jeremy Clarkson left going, this is brilliant!

George Osborne delivered his Autumn Statement this week.

According to the Office Of Budget Responsibility growth forecasts,

the worst year for the economy will be 2012.

Just as well we're not hosting

any massively expensive sports extravaganza, isn't it?

Responding to the Autumn Statement, one MP said...

Some people love him,

some people would rather see him in an accident on the M1.

Paul and Marcus, look at this.

This is the Leveson Inquiry going on.

He looks like Rupert Murdoch.

There is Charlotte Church,

who has turned up talking about her dealings with the Murdoch press.

That's one of the few reporters to be interviewed.

That is Alastair Campbell, in front of what we call

the Dav Fishwick Stand.

That's basically what it's about.

Charlotte Church, she was asked to sing at Rupert Murdoch's marriage.

"Do you want £100,000 or good coverage in the press?"

She said £100,000, because she was 13,

but was advised to go for good coverage in the press.

I wonder how much Blair got paid

for being godfather at the christening.

Is he Charlotte Church's godfather, as well?

He is the godfather of Murdoch's child.

He appeared at a baptism service on the banks of the Jordan.

They thought they'd asked Dale Winton and then Tony Blair turned up.

What does Blair charge for that sort of thing?

Baptisms? 500 quid, plus expenses.

-Is it extra if he brings Cherie?

-Always.

She was meant to sing Pie Jesu. I think she did sing it in the end.

Cherie Blair sang Pie Jesu?

I would have paid £100,000 for that.

The other guy, was it Paul McMullen,

said the rather extraordinary thing that only paedophiles need privacy,

because if you're demanding privacy you must be up to something bad.

Every time he opens his mouth, I think, "That's it.

"It's over. The free press is finished."

There is nothing he is embarrassed about.

What did he say about phone hacking?

It was honourable.

He said:

Let's see a few more of his gems to the committee. He said,

"Phone hacking brings to light things that people

"want to keep hidden because no-one needs privacy."

The only light thing was that Alastair Campbell turned up.

Until that point it was looking dire for the press.

But then he said, "People leak stories and the press run them."

This is from the New Labour spin doctor.

It was good to see the pot calling the kettle unethical.

He also suggested that the Daily Mirror's scoop

on Cherie Blair's fourth baby was obtained through phone hacking.

He would probably know because he used to work for them,

he could ring up his mates.

-But Piers Morgan was the editor then, so that cannot be right.

-No(!)

When is Piers Morgan being called to the Leveson to give a statement?

I think Mr Leveson is going over to appear on his show.

This is week two of the Leveson Inquiry.

Charlotte Church said she was surprised to be asked

to sing Pie Jesu at Rupert Murdoch's wedding,

especially as it was a funeral song.

Although presumably it had been requested by an optimistic Wendi Deng.

JK Rowling told the inquiry she was horrified

when a journalist tried to contact her by slipping

a letter into her five-year-old daughter's School bag.

She knew it could not be from her daughter as it was badly written

and full of spelling mistakes.

So, to round two. The Strengthometer of news!

Is that the mallet of wisdom?

I bloody well hope so!

-Right...

-Go on then.

-Here's the first one.

LAUGHTER AND BUZZER

This elaborately-Photoshoped image...

Hitler, I think, had a sister that lived in Liverpool before WWI.

The idea that Hitler spent some time in Liverpool is considered quite amusing.

Author, Mike Unger, has written a book:

It explores the theory that Hitler stayed in a flat in Toxteth

with his married half-brother from November 1912 to April 1913.

According to the Daily Mail,

his half-brother sent money over so that his sister, Angela, could come and join him

but Adolf took the money and travelled over instead.

The more you hear about him...

LAUGHTER

According to the Sun, Hitler also visited London

and loved Tower Bridge.

Particularly the way it just opened like that.

Hitler was apparently a...

-You have got a load of Hitler jokes?

-I know, it's good isn't it?!

Just get the joke book out...

Hitler was a regular in his local pub where

he never caused any trouble. On one occasion,

he down a pint rather quickly

but he was only obeying last orders.

-Phew!

-I liked it!

I thought it was funny...

THEY IMPERSONATE HITLER

Fingers on buzzers.

-BUZZER

-Sorry!

I just acted because I heard the words of command!

SCOUSE ACCENT: That Hitler is a funny bloke, isn't he?

Nasty bit of work, that Hitler.

He'll start a world war, you mark my words!

Can't put this fag out!

Sorry.

Right?

This is a woman being inflated on the beach.

It is the girl accused of being a Russian spy

because she went out with a politician.

They found that she was not a Russian spy, she was just a Russian.

You're quite right.

She used to go into the House of Commons canteen and say,

"The sausages are cold for this time of year."

"The seagull flies high over Krakow."

Sounds like secret messages.

I think they actually thought she was a spy because she made a beeline

for a member of the Liberal Democratic Party.

-Not very well informed then.

-No.

They thought, what other reason could there possibly be?

Phoning the Kremlin saying, "They're going to make Corduroy compulsory."

-This is Katia Zatuliveter who...

-Oh, you've practised that!

-Konechno.

-Very good!

-That's all my Russian.

You just learn her name and that was it?

No, I just said "konechno", which is of course.

SHE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

Oh, very good!

APPLAUSE

I just want to ring MI5!

You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book!

The show's not going out this week, these are cardboard figures!

That's not Gyles Brandreth, it is a puppet from the Muppet Show!

It was.

Anyway, this woman had an affair with the Lib Dem MP Mike Hancock.

Not just him, though. She had a thing for older men with not much power.

Look at Gyles.

Exactly!

I would have been drawn to her because looking at the picture,

she looks a little bit like Meryl Streep

as Margaret Thatcher as a girl.

Gyles, when you say you're drawn to her,

it's important to know those two men don't come as part of the package.

As you said, she has been cleared by an immigration tribunal of being a Russian spy.

What was the crucial evidence?

-She kept a diary.

-Wouldn't that be your cover anyway?

To have a diary that didn't say anything about spying?

"I thought about spying but I'm not going to do it."

That is what you would write.

The tribunal concluded that their liaison was...

That seems a bit harsh, doesn't it?

Gyles, you're a bit of a Tommy Two-ways,

do you think he is attractive?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You've boasted about it many times.

-You have.

I am sorry, I told Kirsty in confidence!

What did we learn from her diary that might have convinced the panel?

We wouldn't read other people's diaries.

Ian might because in certain occasions,

in the public interest, it's justified.

Quite right. Yep.

Katia said in her diary...

Heading the tribunal,

Justice Mitting found that she was not a spy and simply formed...

Adding, call me.

OK, here's the next one.

BUZZER

Oh, right, yes.

They have invented a piece of plastic that can do the limbo.

It is a robot that can go underneath that little sort of line of glass,

-and come out the other side. An intelligent robot.

-Yes.

This is the news that American roboticists have finally invented...

Roboticists, all those bloody robots....

Argh!

Just injecting some energy!

Felt the show needed it, sorry.

Promise not to do it again.

They have finally invented a limbo-dancing...

Finally! At last!

A limbo-dancing robot - get stuck in!

It can change shape and wiggle.

-Oh!

-Oooh!

God, that could be my honeymoon.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

this is the limbo-dancing robot

that can wriggle into the tightest spaces.

The robot has a range of motions including crawling and slithering.

It's already been tipped to take over as Royal correspondent from Nicholas Witchell.

It's time now for the Odd One Out round. Your four are...

The winner of the Turnip Art Prize,

David Cameron, Madron FC

and the CV of Benedict Le Gauche.

BUZZER

The Turnip award, I've never heard of that,

but it would suggest it's an award

for a bad piece of art. You have the Turner award

so Turnip is maybe something about not being very good.

The football team, football teams you've never heard of

are either famous because they win every match or lose every match.

I assume it's something about losing, because the Turnip prize...

Now, this is where I start running out of steam

because I've never heard of Benedict Le Gauche or David Cameron.

So is that anywhere... Is it about failure?

-Might be.

-Might be, OK, means it is.

Did Benedict Le Gauche send in thousands of CVs?

CVs, you're on the right line.

I got that, because it says "curriculum vitae".

I'm just trying to be encouraging.

Patronising is good, too.

-I'm sure she didn't mean it.

-No!

Prizes for being bad at stuff? So the Turnip prize is a bad thing,

that football team's the worst team of the league, the wooden spoon,

the curriculum vitae, he's got the worst CV anyone has ever seen

so the odd one out is David Cameron for none of the above reasons.

Who's won a prize this week as GQ Man of the Year,

Runner-up to the gentleman sitting on my right, who became GQ...

-What did you become this week?

-Playmate?

-Playmate!

Playmate of the Year! It's our Playmate of the Year, everybody!

APPLAUSE

-David Cameron is the odd one out.

-Because...

-He's failed totally.

No, because he...

They have all been described as the worst ever, as you said, Paul,

apart from David Cameron, who is merely

"the worst politician in British history since William Gladstone."

Patrick Mercer said that.

-Yes, he did.

-A renegade MP, who was overheard saying it.

He was caught on tape at a London party saying it.

What an invasion of his privacy!

How dare we know what MPs think of their leader.

He went on to say about David Cameron...

He also said Cameron was an...

And the football team, Madron FC, the Cornish football team, they are,

they've been described as the worst ever to grace British soil

after losing all their season's matches.

-Their worst result was...

-36-0.

55-0.

Things got so bad for the team

that the phrase, "If you don't want to know the score, look away now,"

became a regular part of the manager's pre-match pep talk.

The Turnip Prize looks to find the worst possible art.

Last year's winner was a plate holding a large chilli

and three small ones.

It represented a very disappointing episode of Masterchef.

We can take a look at it.

"Chilli 'n' minors," it represented.

GYLES: I think that's tremendous!

What criteria do you think the Turnip Prize entries are judged on?

They must be puns, because Turnip...

It's not really a pun on Turner, but it's a play on the word.

Worst pun in art.

Well, they are based on the following criteria.

Same system the Turner use.

Let's come to Benedict Le Gauche's CV. The 28-year-old from Manchester

has been accused of writing the world's worst CV

because it's too honest.

For example, what experience does Benedict have in the world of work?

Absolutely none, but keen to learn.

According to his CV, duties at earlier jobs included...

His CV isn't all bad.

He does highlight, as you would expect, his good points. He can...

-That's great!

-And according to his covering letter...

Time now for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

Grass Cuttings, the magazine of the British Lawnmower Museum.

We start with...

GYLES: You call it grass, I call it weed,

it's a generation thing.

You call it Tommy Two-ways, I call it keeping it all your options open.

APPLAUSE

Oh, yes! Oh, I've met him!

Father Gabriel Amorth, the papal exorcist.

Oh, yes! He was with me for quite a time.

It didn't work, then?

Father Gabriel Amorth has claimed that yoga and Harry Potter

deal with magic and are evil.

Father Gabriel is the only Catholic priest

who is still interested in the Harry Potter films

since the stars passed the age of 16.

Next...

MARCUS: Is it, "Here's one for free in your yoghurt"?

Somebody was eating a fudge yoghurt

and it had some chunks of fudge - delicious, yes,

and a tooth.

Which is delicious if you like that sort of thing, but mostly not.

Was it somebody at the bottom eating it up from the other way?

Yes, that explains it!

It was the Muller Tooth Corner. You get some teeth,

-and then you fill it up with teeth.

-Exactly.

-Delicious.

So it is...

-Well done.

-Whilst eating a pot of yoghurt, lorry driver David Casey

bit into a rotten tooth. Here it is.

AUDIENCE GROANS

When he returned the offending pot to the local store,

he was offered a refund of 68p,

although he would have got more money if he put it under his pillow.

And finally...

GYLES: Oh, no. It can't possibly be!

MARCUS: We've ruled out circumcision, have we? As a group?

Yes, but not necessarily for the answer to this.

I've ruled it out generally. It's too late for me now.

A lawnmower vasectomy.

-Worse.

-Oh, no.

"Successfully sever own penis." That's not a suggestion,

it's just what I feel like doing.

Marcus was correct.

-Was it a race?

-The first?

That suggests there'd been a spate of them in Milwaukee.

It is astonishing, isn't it?

No matter how dangerous a machine might be, somewhere in the world

there is always one man prepared to see what happens

if he puts his penis in it.

So, the final scores are,

Ian and Gyles have six.

Paul and Marcus have 10.

APPLAUSE

I leave you with news

that as the Olympic bus timetabling sub-committee meeting enters its fourth hour,

one man's thoughts turn to the beach volleyball.

In Northampton, there's a mixed response

as Wetherspoon's starts doing breakfasts.

And at 4am at the Autumnwatch wrap party,

there's evidence that some of the guests may have overdone things.

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd