Episode 6 Have I Got Old News For You

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Dan Stevens.

In the news this week...

At a meeting of the world's top economists,

the conclusion is the only way out of the global financial crisis

is to make the younger generation pay for it.

At the White House, life comes full circle

as a male intern sends a photo via his mobile.

Wow!

LAUGHTER

And on the set of I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here,

one jungle dweller sees the size of Ant and Dec's pay cheque.

With Ian is a performer, who in 2003

was nominated for Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe

alongside some bloke called Michael McIntyre.

Where's McIntyre tonight though, hey? What's that?

He's at the Liverpool Arena, playing to 11,000 people

as part of a sell-out national tour?

Anyway, please welcome Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

With Paul is a stand-up comedian,

who was once described by the Times as Hobbit-like.

I'm hoping that is because she is short and lovable,

and not because she's got massive, hairy feet.

Please welcome Susan Calman.

APPLAUSE

And we start with the bigger stories of the week.

Paul and Susan, take a look at this.

Yes, this is the News International story, the phone hacking,

Hugh Grant, there's the editor of The News Of The World

doing some research.

-That's my twin sister.

-Yeah.

That's me. Clearly.

That's somebody from 1892 and Steve Coogan who was

giving evidence, as well.

This is the Leveson Inquiry, Lord Leveson is looking into this.

There were some grim stories about non-celebrities

and some other stories, as well.

The stuff keeps cascading out.

Yes, it was celebrities first,

then the really grim stories,

and then Lord Leveson will come to the defence of the press,

which obviously it's not a great week to try and mount one.

But eventually I hope he gets round to the point

that we only got an inquiry

because a journalist actually discovered this story.

No MPs,

not a policeman,

not a judge,

it was a journalist who uncovered it.

I'm hoping we won't throw out the entire baby with the bath water.

What do you think the solution could be?

Obviously, if you start regulating the press, you have difficulties.

As you say you never would have found out about MPs' allowances.

There are endless solutions to this.

The basic one is that we have laws

and nobody obeyed them.

And at the end of however many years it is, Lord Leveson will say,

"I think journalists should probably obey the laws."

I mean, all these activities are illegal.

And it would help if the police enforced them.

It probably would help if they weren't working for The News Of The World.

So there is a problem there.

If the politicians' leaders are saying, you know,

it's really important to us to suck up to Rupert Murdoch,

because otherwise his papers won't say, "Vote Conservative",

or "Vote Blair" or "Vote Brown",

then you don't have a great incentive.

I should just go and give my evidence direct!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I gather Lord Leveson will call the most important witnesses next,

who are members of the public.

A number of them apparently bought The News Of The World

at some stage in the last 20 years.

I hope he's going to ask them why.

I mean, when you look at the history of public hanging,

it only stopped because it was so popular,

they couldn't handle the crowds any more,

not because of public revulsion - "we don't want to see people hung."

I remember being in a rough pub in Streatham about 25 years ago,

and a fight broke out between two guys and it was exciting -

one was hitting the other guy - but I didn't demand a fight

every time I went into the pub,

because it was exciting that time.

But that analogy would be, you go to the pub and it says,

"Fight Tonight Inside, 25p", and then you'd go every Sunday.

They wouldn't do that in a pub because you're not allowed.

Are you not?

No, you're not allowed to advertise fights in pub.

To be fair, if you go to Glasgow, they do advertise a fight!

It's like happy-hour there!

Just before the bingo, we have a wee bit of a cagefight,

and then everyone has a Babycham and settles down. It's lovely.

You should come up some time, they'd love you!

LAUGHTER

-I went to Govan once.

-Did you?

I was trying to make a documentary. I got out of the car into the street

and a bloke came straight up and said to me,

"You're out of your depth here, pal!"

Yes, Hugh Grant was indeed appearing this week.

He was surprised by the strength of the questioning from the counsel

to the inquiry. Does anybody know what Hugh had to say to him?

It was something along the lines of,

"You spoke to me earlier and promised a few straight deliveries,

"but you're delivering nothing but googlies."

He said -

That would be an invasion of privacy

on a pretty massive scale.

Does anybody know what else we learnt from Hugh this week?

His middle name is Mungo.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

Well, the world learnt that, I already knew it,

I'm obsessed with him!

Is it the hair that does it for you?

It's everything.

I just really enjoy the work of our premier-like comic actor.

As a huge fan of Hugh, you may know

that the mother of his baby, Tinglan Hong,

received a threatening message from a reporter

after Hugh Grant's appearance on Question Time.

-Do you know what they said to him?

-"If he doesn't be quiet,

"we are going to fund a sequel to Have You Heard About The Morgans?"

-You really are a fan!

-Yes.

-"Tell Hugh Grant to shut the BLEEP up."

-That's exactly what they said.

Standards have slipped at The Telegraph, haven't they?

Whose good name has Hugh Grant dragged into this inquiry?

He made the scurrilous assertion,

that the Daily Mail might have, in some way,

been involved in phone hacking,

which they refute entirely, I understand.

The Daily Mail utterly refute this.

The Daily Mail does not want

to be associated, in any way, with phone hacking.

The last thing the Daily Mail wants

is for its name to appear in the same headline

as a phone-hacking scandal.

-OK. Watch next week.

-Has that cleared that up?

Dirty Dan's Downton Scandal!

Also this week we heard from Steve Coogan.

Did anybody hear any of the methods

The News Of The World used to get stories on him?

They interviewed him, I gather. It is pretty underhand.

Yes, it all seemed quite above board.

Showbiz reporter and casual friend of Coogan's, Raj Singh,

rang him to tell him The News Of The World

had a kiss-and-tell story on him.

If he confirmed some of the less salacious details,

the paper would keep the more lurid details out of the paper.

-So then what happened?

-They didn't.

-They put them all in.

-How did he describe the behaviour of The News Of The World?

"Disappointing."

"Excellent."

He described it as -

-(ALAN PARTRIDGE STYLE)

-A-ha!

Coogan claimed he had never entered a Faustian pact with the tabloids.

What did he mean by that? A pact with the devil.

Just because he is a public figure doesn't mean he has no private life.

Indeed. Most tabloid reporters

thought Faustian Pact was Man City's new striker!

Did anybody read anything about other cast members

in the phone-hacking scandal this week?

Rebekah Wade, the former editor of The News Of The World and The Sun

is having a baby.

But it's through a surrogate

and she's asked for privacy.

correct. She's expecting a baby via a surrogate mother,

or as the Sun might have put it -

APPLAUSE

This is the inquiry into newspaper standards.

The Leveson Inquiry heard evidence that on a number of occasions,

News Of The World journalists went through Steve Coogan's bins.

In fact, they still do, but nowadays they're scavenging for food.

At the inquiry, Sheryl Gascoigne revealed the press

had made inaccurate claims about the size

of her divorce settlement, saying the coverage was...

Coincidentally, also the motto of The News Of The World.

Ian and Miles, take a look at this.

That's Ed Balls wiping away a tear.

That is Eric Knowles and I can't remember the woman's name.

That's the Health Secretary.

Is he on Antiques Roadshow now?

Northern Rock customer. There we are, that's...

Gaddafi!

LAUGHTER

Oh, no, it isn't!

The big one is Ed Balls, he's got a human side.

Yes. And he weeps.

When he watches Ed Miliband in the House of Commons, he just cries.

He weeps when he's watching Antiques Roadshow. Of course.

When I read about it,

it said the bit he found really extraordinary was when someone comes in

and they've found an heirloom that's worth a huge amount of money.

Then he remembered he was meant to be a member of the Labour Party.

And he said, "But they think, oh, it's worth more to me

"than all that money, so I won't sell it."

And that's what makes him cry.

He also weeps at The Sound Of Music. Again, it was interesting...

The film or just any musical?

LAUGHTER

That would be an incredible handicap, wouldn't it?

He weeps at the bit where the baroness is brought back

to the house by the admiral, whatever he is,

and the children perform the song.

-Why is that emotional?

-It is incredibly moving.

Maybe it's something in his childhood,

maybe it's a repressed memory.

Something in his youth or childhood?!

He spent his gap-year nannying in Nazi-occupied...

LAUGHTER

And apparently Nick Griffin also cries when he watches

The Sound Of Music, but that's only because the Nazis lose at the end.

We also found out that Ed's favourite song

to sing at karaoke parties is..?

It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To!

-Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys.

-It's close.

Was it Russ Abbot's Atmosphere?

It was...

The other news in that montage?

Branson's taken over a failing bank.

And Northern Rock was bankrupt and now Branson has taken it over.

Except not all of it.

He's taken over the bit that's called a good bank

and he's bought that,

but £21 billion of debt remains with the taxpayer.

So a good bargain for us(!)

And he got it £400 million cheaper than we paid for the good bit,

so he is laughing, all the way to his bank.

Yes, according to The Times,

the Government is accepting in part payment an "IOU" of £150 million.

Since when did the Government start accepting "IOUs"?!

I might try it myself - I've had a decent year, but you know how it is!

LAUGHTER

Is Branson taking over the whole of Northern Rock?

You've sort of answered this already.

-No.

-I don't think he is.

I reckon we're going to end up

still owning £21 billion worth of debt.

LAUGHTER

I am bloody livid about it, Dan.

Try getting me off this topic!

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley

has been popping up everywhere this week.

What's he been up to?

There's a scheme of putting screens by hospital beds

and you're ill, you're not happy and his face comes up on the screen.

And I think he says, "Your custom is very important to us.

"I'm sorry about the delay in your operation, or treatment..."

and then he plays Vivaldi.

At table tennis!

Fantastic.

He's done a video to be shown on screens above the beds in hospitals.

The problem is, it's on a three-minute loop

and it's driving people bonkers.

You can turn him off, does anybody know how?

-If you pay, that's the thing. If you...

-What?

It's the hospital entertainment system and you have to pay £5

to get access to re-runs of Casualty, which is all they show.

And if you don't pay the £5, then you just get

Andrew Lansley on a loop saying, "Hello, thanks for coming."

Absolutely right.

The Independent pointed out:

LAUGHTER

As if they haven't suffered enough?! They went on:

LAUGHTER

Does anybody know what the message to patients says?

"Hurry up and die, there's a queue?"

"I am from another planet."

"I have access to your life-support machine."

LAUGHTER

Has he got hypnotic eyes?

-Yes.

-"There is really not much wrong with you, you know."

"You could leave now!

"Get off the bed, jump out of the window!"

What scheme has Eric Pickles announced this week?

Eat the unemployed?!

LAUGHTER

Bring a quiche to work day?

He's got the smallest features on a human face since time began.

Eric Pickles has announced a scheme to set up a curry college

to teach British chefs how to cook curry.

It's an ambitious scheme, but the Government's confident

they can deliver, if you're within a three-mile radius!

At the college, chefs will learn all the necessary skills

from combining the perfect mix of spices to create a mouth-watering balti

to chucking some unnecessary salad into a warm plastic bag.

This was the Government selling of Northern Rock to Virgin Money.

After selling Northern Rock, George Osborne described it as:

Which raises two questions. What would constitute a worse deal?

And, George, can I interest you in some magic beans?

NHS patients have been complaining that hospital TVs are running

a patronising message from Andrew Lansley on a continuous loop.

This has led to some terrible mistakes with patients crying out,

"I can't take it any more, just switch the machine off!"

APPLAUSE

And so to Round Two, the Cloche of News.

Carson the Butler will lift the cloche, revealing an item

relating to a news story of the week.

Finger on buzzers.

Was this the film of the gentleman chasing his dog, Benton?

A dog was chasing deer and he was screaming, "Benton!"

He's not come forward.

But some youth was filming it on his mobile telephone device,

and it's got over one million hits on YouTube?

-That is the right answer.

-It's the right answer?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Shall we have a look at internet sensation Benton?

If we don't, I will fight anybody who says we can't!

Fenton! Fenton! Fenton! Fenton!

Fenton! Fenton!

Fenton! FENTON! Oh, Jesus Christ!

LAUGHTER

Fenton!

APPLAUSE

Following this, Benton went viral and he and...

-Why?!

-He and Jesus Christ...

Why do people think that's entertaining?

Totally out of focus camera shot, deer in the background,

some bloke shouting "Benton", and millions have watched it?

I'm in the wrong business.

Do we know what the latest controversy about Benton is?

He's a glove puppet!

His real name is Fenton.

Is absolutely right.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-No!

-How do you know this?

-It appears in newspapers.

Does anybody know what The Sun's headline was?

Humanity Reaches Bottom Of The Barrel?

We are all doomed.

The last person to leave the planet tell Fenton!

LAUGHTER

Human Beings Duped Into Watching Crap On New Invention.

It was, "Calm down, deer!"

GROANS

-The Sun ended the report...

-This gets worse and worse!

-Is there no piece of redeeming quality in this story anywhere?

-No.

The Sun ended the report saying:

And the good news is they have tracked down Benton and his owner,

and the dog has been destroyed.

Only joking, animal lovers.

That was the best bit!

People are now selling T-shirts with the picture of Benton.

I've only bought three!

Somebody was filming it thinking,

"I can't believe the stuff I'm getting here! This is magical!"

In other animal news, you'll be pleased to hear, Paul...

LAUGHTER

Pigeon Takes Off From Roof!

With no apparent motive.

This is all that's going to be left for the press after this inquiry.

Animal stories!

Can anyone tell me what Gavin the world's most sarcastic gorilla

has been up to this week?

LAUGHTER

Did he shove a banana up Barry Watson?

Did he win a contest? Who judged him the most sarcastic gorilla?

Did hundreds of them turn up going, "Yeah(!)"

Gavin lives in Jerusalem Zoo.

According to the Metro:

LAUGHTER

This is Benton the dog who became an internet hit

after chasing deer in Richmond Park.

The next time Benton's owner visited the park, he took no chances.

He left the dog at home and went on his bike.

Now, that was worth seeing!

LAUGHTER

It's time for the Odd One Out Round.

Ted Heath, Harry Belafonte,

Larry the Downing Street cat and this...

MUSIC

Yes?

LAUGHTER

That's the clip that wins us the BAFTA!

Larry the cat has been thrown out of Downing Street for joining the BNP.

I think I've had a tweet from the Downing Street cat, which,

again, will pile upon the fact

that people think I'm an incredibly sad cat lady - and I am.

I get tweets from other cats.

I dress my cats up, in more than that bow tie.

You have to make an effort.

How do you dress the cats up?

Well! LAUGHTER

It depends - we have themed days.

If you cut the fingers off gloves, they make leg warmers

for cats for Fame Day.

Be careful if you make any trousers for cats.

Cats don't have hips, so you have to make braces.

Otherwise they just slide off.

There is nothing worse than a wee cat whose trousers are falling off!

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't say nothing worse! It's up there, certainly.

-Is it mice?

-It's something to do with sleep.

Cos Larry the cat is meant to be in Downing Street to get mice.

But he's asleep all the time.

When Edward Heath was awake, was he always catching mice?

I'd better tell you. They have all fallen asleep when they shouldn't,

apart from Weightless which will almost certainly put you to sleep.

Weightless has beaten Coldplay and Enya to the title of world's

most relaxing song, but it is insufferably dull.

Ted Heath dozed off whilst talking to the Queen

at his 80th birthday bash, thrown by John and Norma Major.

How did the Queen take this slight to her conversational skills?

She drew a cock on his forehead!

LAUGHTER

John Major said:

Harry Belafonte discussed his new book on an American chatshow.

Unfortunately, when they cut to the satellite feed

to start the interview, he appeared to be sleeping.

Still, far worse things can happen when you interview a veteran singer.

The next day's guest was Cliff Richard,

who stayed wide-awake and spoke at length on a range of subjects.

LAUGHTER

Larry the cat has been falling asleep during the day

at Downton Street when he should be...

Downton Street?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's a serious category confusion there!

I know it's important, Dan, but it's not the centre of governance!

Larry has been falling asleep during the day at Downing Street

when he should be catching rats because he's been staying up

all night with his new girlfriend, Masie.

David Cameron was forced to take matters into his own hands

-this week. What did he do?

-He caught a rat?

Did he pick it up with his bare hands and...

Like Putin?

That's how it works in Russia. Big pictures of Putin killing deer.

Over here, Cameron, "Oh, it's a mouse!"

Putin! Putin!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Putin!

LAUGHTER

According to the Telegraph:

He missed, obviously.

He said, "It wasn't a target, it was an aspiration!"

LAUGHTER

According to the Mail on Sunday,

he actually said:

APPLAUSE

That's what the Queen said to Edward Heath?

According to The Sun, Larry is too tired to catch mice

after spending most of his time with another cat called Masie

whose owner insists "they are just good friends", though she has

an official business card with "advisor to Larry" printed on.

Time for the Missing Words round,

which this week features as its guest publication

The Chap, a journal for the modern gentleman.

We start with:

One woman musical version of Titus Andronicus.

Scarf and hotpants combo.

Geordie accent.

Chest wig.

It is "tattoo just won't come off".

She had a henna tattoo.

The Duchess of Cornwall had a temporary henna tattoo

that she can't scrub off. According to the Daily Mail,

one suggested remedy is to "rub it with toothpaste" -

as if Charles' footman doesn't have enough to do!

Next:

Bomb-making equipment and a healthy disregard for the law.

An even tempered approach to life and a winning eye for the ladies.

They still talk of that night Sir Anthony Hopkins lost his voice

and I gave them my Widow Twankey.

Finally:

Question Time.

Wife.

It is, in fact, cherry tomato - and here is said tomato.

The gardener could make some Hitler tomato ketchup

and market it alongside Eva Braun sauce.

The final scores are Ian and Miles have two,

but Paul and Susan are the winners with five.

APPLAUSE

Before we go, there is time for the Caption Competition.

Snowman melts and reveals hidden identity!

LAUGHTER

Sarge, we thought this would be quicker

than turning the place upside-down!

LAUGHTER

On which note we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Miles Jupp, Paul Merton and Susan Calman.

And I leave you with news that at a sports meeting,

organisers admit it was a mistake to hold

the women's 800 metres at the same time as the shooting!

LAUGHTER

After his eye operation was a complete success,

the paparazzi catch Pudsey Bear celebrating with his nurse!

And in Windsor, the Queen steadfastly refuses

to fall for a second time to Prince Philip's pull my finger routine.

LAUGHTER

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd