Episode 4 Have I Got Old News For You

Hello. I'm the token blonde.

My name is Reginald, king of the blacks.

And I'm Ray Winstone, and I'm the king of the blacks.

Looking like a former hit man that's lecturing over at Oxford now.

Good evening.

Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Ray Winstone.

In the news this week, at the beginning of a long sea voyage,

the crew of a fishing trawler

discover the television is stuck on ITV2.

Kim Jong Un...

LAUGHTER

It's easy for you to say.

..informs the West that his signal to launch the nuclear strike

will be delivered by their lightning-fast,

high-tech communication methods.

And in Tokyo, after three days,

representatives from the Guinness Book of Records

stand by to present the award for the world's longest yawn.

On Ian's team tonight is a Sunday Times journalist

who recently won an award for Hatchet Job of the Year -

an award previously won by an East End acquaintance of mine,

Dickie "the Axe-Man" Wilson.

Please welcome Camilla Long.

APPLAUSE

And with Paul tonight is a comedian who recently said that

television mainly serves the talentless.

Welcome back, for the 11th time, Reginald D Hunter.

APPLAUSE

We start with the bigger stories of the week.

Ian and Camilla, take a look at this.

-That's the White Heather Club.

-Dancing, socks.

-Osborne. No idea what that is.

-Tiny Tears, that's what it is.

-Oh, more Scottish dancing.

-More dancing.

-You're talking about dancing a lot, aren't you?

-Yes.

Yeah, I'm sorry, we'll get on with it.

If they go independent, the Chancellor has said to them,

"Well, you can't have the pound."

And Alex Salmond, who will be in charge of Scotland...

his title isn't clear yet, it may be King.

Last year he was really keen on having the euro

but then something happened.

Do you think they'll give the opportunity for an alternative

currency that none of us have ever heard of?

-Yes. The Mars Bar.

-Yes.

So what do the Scots want?

Well, we don't know yet, we haven't asked them on the referendum.

Hold on a minute.

They want independence as a nation...

If I give the wrong answer, do you get out the pliers?

They've given a wish list of what they want. They want the Queen.

They want the pound.

They want to stay in NATO, they want to stay in the EU.

It sounds like a pre-nup, doesn't it?

But it's meant to be a divorce!

I'm pretty pro-union so I see it as a joint enterprise,

like a long marriage...

about 300 years.

No, it's a long argument in the kitchen, is what it is, to be fair.

And who's won?

Well, it's usually the bird, innit?

< Yes.

All right.

Why is George Osborne saying they can't have it?

It's basically saying... it's a bit of a threat.

It's saying, "Vote no and you'll be all right."

So if Scotland becomes a separate country,

he doesn't want the Scottish economy to drag us all down with it.

But, to be fair, Scotland's economy does have its strengths -

their chief exports being oil, whisky, tartan, and tramps.

Sometimes combined in one glorious package.

One for the audience -

should we all be happy to let the Scots keep the pound or should

we just tell them to bugger off?

Hands up who says bugger off.

Oh, no!

What did Scotland do well at this week?

LAUGHTER

Was it dancing?

They did well at tweed, I think, this week.

It's all over you!

A survey to find the happiest place in Britain

revealed that top of the list was the Orkneys and Shetland.

Oh, so they're happy.

That's what the survey said, whatever you think.

Ian, have you ever been grabbed by the Orkneys?

I'm just imagining it. It's a threat, isn't it?

So what's the latest economic news, then?

We nearly went into recession, but we didn't. So George Osborne says,

"That's fine. We've got enormous growth of about 0.3%."

It's bang on, yeah.

-Which is four-fifths of

-BLEEP

-all.

APPLAUSE

That's exactly right.

What have we narrowly escaped?

Is it a Martian death ray?

-A triple-dip recession.

-Right.

-Right?

So what's so bad about that?

If you've got a series of dips, it's better to have two,

-rather than three.

-Right.

Guacamole, hummus, no. Don't do the third. No-one likes it.

On learning that we avoided a triple dip, Sky News went straight

to their most serious-looking economic expert for a reaction.

We're still apparently 1.2 trillion in debt

and if we pay it back at this rate, how long will it take to clear it?

It depends if we go to Wonga or not.

400 years.

So it's not really our problem, is it?

Despite all of this, loads of Bulgarians

want to come here and live. But do you know why?

-To meet Nigel Farage?

-Have a look.

Mainly because of Top Gear,

I'm not sure,

because it's, you know,

it's a great passion for me and I really, really like the presenters.

But I thought Farage went to Bulgaria.

Farage went to Bulgaria, cameras followed him to see

how people would respond to him

and almost every Bulgarian said... "Do you want to come to England?"

They said, "No, no, not at all, no, I don't want to."

REGINALD: That was a very impressive

facsimile you did of Bulgarians.

Yes, I've been practising.

As I'm American, there's no subtext to my compliment. I meant it.

So, what are hospitals thinking of doing to save money?

Opening.

-Closing.

-Yeah.

Treat them? I don't know.

That's the question, I need the answer, don't I?

This is where it gets quite scary.

Yes, I know, I'm a bit frightened already.

-Don't you read the paper?

-Uh, yes.

I write bits of it.

Turfing out old people who are only slightly ill,

and putting them into hotels.

Yes, it's halfway between a nursing home and a hospital.

Apparently it costs 300 quid to spend the night in hospital

and only 65 quid in the Premier Inn.

This has been tried in several foreign countries

and according to the Health Minister, Earl Howe...

Well, I'm ready when she is.

Right, staying with the NHS, what do they want to regulate more closely?

-Nurses.

-No.

They do, you know.

Getting more near like what we do with how we look, you know?

-Plastic surgery.

-Ah, see, babe, you're on the right track.

Thanks, "babe".

You sexy old Father Time.

APPLAUSE

I think the rest of us should just leave discreetly.

Unlike my comment, their comments are full of subtext.

Well, according to the NHS, Medical Director Sir Bruce Keogh...

Are those two of the objects you can have put into your buttocks?

What have Ed Balls and Ed Miliband been 'inting at?

-"Been..."?

-Been hinting at?

LAUGHTER

-What have they been hinting at?

-Don't know.

So posh.

You're wearing a suit.

I can afford it.

APPLAUSE

That's cos you don't pay any tax.

AUDIENCE OOHS

That's why he's dressed up, he was in court this morning.

Plea bargaining.

-Give us a clue.

-No.

-I am now sulking.

-CAMILLA: Why?

No, I'm going to tell you.

They've been leaking and then denying that Labour will crank up

-public spending if they get elected.

-Ah, right.

Ed Balls refused to comment on the spending plans, saying:

Up shit creek.

Telling everyone right now that they are going to boost public spending

is a big gamble, so what are they waiting for?

Bet in play...NOW.

What is the betting thing?

Have you done something with betting, Ray?

-You haven't seen them?

-No.

-It's in the middle of football matches.

-Yes, no. Uggh!

Now, to put the tin hat on everything,

what has the terrible weather we've had done to my breakfast?

Is that another Cockney saying?

"What has the weather done to me breakfast?"

I'm going to take that back to Georgia

and shock the hell out of them.

This is about Weetabix, Ray.

There'd been a very bad harvest because of the terrible weather,

there hasn't been enough wheat,

there isn't enough Weetabix,

so they've restricted it and you haven't got any.

Yeah.

It's only going to posh people.

Congratulations, Ian.

I had six.

What a bastard.

What have the cereal manufacturers

HapiFoods called their latest cereal?

-Miserable.

-Nah.

Well, here's the ad for it.

Brian and Corin Mullins invented a breakfast of champions.

In 2009, the couple launched Holy Crap cereal

as a healthy breakfast alternative.

At what point are you meant to shout, "Holy crap"?

When it arrives on the table? When you eat it? When you...?

REGINALD: I think much later.

APPLAUSE

This is the row as to whether the independent Scotland

would be able to use the pound as its currency.

Alex Salmond has called for the creation of a...

..which sounds good but the way the economy's going,

I think we'll be calling it Poundland.

Meanwhile, the Sun interviewed an economist in the ING Bank

who said that, following the much-better-than-expected

0.3% increase in GDP...

A moment's fine...

but a lifetime's taking the piss.

APPLAUSE

-Paul and Reg.

-Yeah.

-Yes, sir.

-Yeah, about time, eh?

-Yeah, absolutely.

-Take a look at this.

-Right-o.

Right, I'll put some pressure on you all now.

-Empty street, nothing happening. A house.

-Sleepy neighbourhood.

-Sleepy...man on bike.

-Yeah, it's a big high point of the day.

Er, policeman dressed in 1940s fashion.

Yeah, Britain before immigration. Aw, things was lovely.

You're the only person here that can say that, you know.

Anybody here can say it, they just have to be willing

to deal with the consequences.

Yes.

Judging by looking at this footage of things that aren't happening,

and the policeman at the end is probably the clue,

-is it about falling crime rates?

-Ah, you are good, Paul.

You're much better than him.

Yeah, this is the news that rates of violent crime

and murder are falling rapidly, apart from in my films.

According to the UK Peace Index,

-well, it's fallen by 25% in the past ten years.

-That's pretty good.

The number of police officers dropped by 6%.

-Do you think there's a link?

-Well, there might be.

But it still leaves 19% unaccounted for.

Well, it might be that, um, the recession is affecting everybody.

Back home, my cousin,

he got robbed by a man with a bullet...cos he didn't have a gun.

He was like going...

.."Don't make me throw this at you."

Everybody's feeling the pinch, you know.

Everybody gotta cut back.

Well, yeah...

Did the man throw the bullet in the end

-or was it a bluff?

-It was a bluff.

As it turned out, he had no training

in throwing bullets and killing people.

According to UK Peace Index, what is the most peaceful part of Britain?

-It's Norfolk.

-It's Norfolk.

-Yeah.

-And funny enough, it's...it's...er, Brawland.

-Where?

Bro...eh, Brooklyn...Broland.

-How do you say that?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Broadland.

Broadland, ah!

Just eight violent crimes were recorded in 2012, right?

Here's one of the top stories this week in their local newspaper...

..and here's the shocking scene...

At one point, the waves were crashing into the vehicle

up to a height of six inches.

LAUGHTER

Why does Tory county councillor John Cherry fear a rise in crime?

Because ethnic minority children are being bussed down to Swanage

-or somewhere where he lives...

-Sussex.

Sussex. ..and he has objected to this in the strongest possible terms

and not very friendly terms, I think.

Is he also worried

because somebody's recently stuck a bridge through his head?

LAUGHTER

He's too proud to admit it but he has to go there every rush hour

and stand there for half an hour. He's too proud to admit it.

The inner city school in Stockwell, London, plans to open its own

boarding school in a posh part of West Sussex

and send 600 of its pupils there.

John Cherry told the Mail on Sunday...

Clearly unsure whether the hole he'd dug himself into

was deep enough, he added:

John Cherry is no longer a member

of the Conservative Party - although he is still a councillor...

and a prat.

APPLAUSE

A quick spot-the-difference question for you all.

What is the difference between this, and this?

That is the more modern, more scenic entrance into Scotland Yard.

The other picture is the uglier, old Britain, pre-Thatcher entrance,

and people don't care about it as much

because it ain't as shiny and nice.

-No.

-I'm not used to subtext, but I do feel dismissed.

-You know what the difference is?

-Tell me what the difference is.

Which was the cost of moving the Scotland Yard sign 15 yards.

Finally, shall we see how commuters on the tube are relaxing,

-now that they don't have to be worried about violent crime?

-Yeah.

They're holding folded newspapers up

to make fellow travellers look like personalities.

Let's see some of their efforts.

There's Kate Middleton.

The Queen.

And Jimmy Carr.

On second thoughts, that might actually be Jimmy Carr,

trying to claim back tax on some women's clothing.

-That's a dangerous joke, isn't it?

-Not for me, no.

This is a study which shows that violent crime has fallen

throughout the UK.

Meanwhile, the legal battle over Abu Qatada continues.

Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper

mocked the Government's failing, saying...

Something everyone would like to see,

except perhaps the other passengers.

Also this week, conman Jimmy McCormick faces jail,

having amassed a £60 million fortune

selling golf ball finders as bomb detectors.

Mr McCormick told buyers that his device could detect:

In other words, everything except bullshit.

-And they've been using them in Iraq.

-Yes.

-And they didn't check.

-They went out

and found loads of golf balls, and they were like...

Round two's coming up. How's that going to pan out?

The latest odds are on your screen now.

You're not encouraging the audience to bet, are you?

This next round is the strengthometer of news.

Fingers on the buzzers, team - here's the first one.

They want to send a married couple to Mars.

-Not necessarily a married couple.

-Two randoms.

-What's randoms?

-Two random people.

-Two random people? That'd be exciting, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

REGINALD: Yeah, that'd be all right.

We should put the UN up there.

"You do not get to come back to Earth

"till you come back with a resolution,

"one that the United States agrees to, as well."

This is Mars One, a Dutch TV company's plan

to put reality TV contestants on a one-way trip to Mars.

What are they going to do up there for the rest of their lives?

Coming up with a reality TV show

where two people from Mars are flown back to Earth.

I don't know. What are they going to do up there?

They're not going to do anything. They're just going to die.

They are going to die.

They're going to establish a colony.

According to the Sun, contestants will live in:

"Day 26. Benny's muscles have wasted away."

That was my attempt at a Geordie accent.

I thought you were doing Birmingham.

I was, but I can't do the Geordie one.

-You didn't go up far enough.

-It's a difficult one.

-Can you do a Geordie accent?

-It's all vowel sounds, isn't it?

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-"Mickey Mouse and Pluto," it's easy.

GEORDIE ACCENT: "We've moved to day four of the show."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's like being with Ant and Dec! I'm just...

-Ant and Dec?

-..thrilled!

I might look crazy, but I listen to white people a lot.

How much money is needed to send people on a one-way trip to Mars?

£56 million.

More than that?

Well, it's:

A return trip would cost:

Though Southeastern Trains said they'll do the return

for only one pound more than the single.

It's going to be like Total Recall, when they give them a pill

-and they pretend to go somewhere.

-I like your imagination, fantastic.

No, it's...well, it's not what happened, it's a film.

Ray, do you know anything about films?

If you'd seen any of my films, you'd know, no.

10,000 people have already applied

to go on the one-way trip to Mars.

Theresa May has already applied on behalf of Abu Qatada.

Fingers on the buzzers, teams. Here's the next one.

BUZZER

Oh, yes, this is...a rather unfortunate graphic

that has turned Lord Leveson's head into an arse.

These are people who are in a relationship with each other,

but they both love his ass,

but they don't think the other person knows it.

This is David Sherborne - he was acting for most of the celebrities -

-and her name is...?

-Carine Patry Hoskins.

Thank you. Who was acting for the inquiry -

she was assisting Lord Leveson.

And...the feeling is that there was a sort of

perceived conflict of interest when someone acting for one party is...

is in a relationship with the other.

But they rather confused things by saying they weren't

in a relationship, they'd gone to the Greek island of Santorini...

together, secretly,

to discuss whether they should have a relationship!

Were they drawn to each other

because their heads don't fit properly on their bodies?

Let's get a helium balloon, in the shape of Lord Leveson,

and just have him...

Lord Leveson, a lot of people don't know it, but in his spare time,

he's a villain, sort of a puppet master,

and he goes by the name Asshead.

-He goes by the name of Arsehead?

-Yeah, Asshead.

-Oh, Asshead.

Anyway, Asshead is controlling their mind

when they snap two together and realise, "Oh, my God!

"We're sitting here sipping champagne,

"and we shouldn't be doing this. Why are we doing this?"

And he's like "Ha! My powers are unstoppable."

She became very famous during the Leveson trial,

known as "the woman on the left", because she sat on the left.

She sort of facially fell in love with Hugh Grant, didn't she,

-because she wouldn't stop staring at him?

-Look of love.

-It was.

How do they know the difference between a look of love

and a lawyer listening to somebody give evidence?

The look of love is easy to detect.

The look of love looks something like...

That's more than love.

-I hope there's dinner as well.

-Yeah.

The question is - how do you manage to go to Santorini and NOT have sex?

I mean, it's a complete pants-off place.

-Have you been?

-I've been...alone.

-Would you like to talk us through it?

-No.

Actually, it's a Greek island, it's shagadelic, you know.

You wouldn't ever go there for a meeting.

That's such an imperial attitude. A lot of people seem to feel,

if they really want to have the kind of sex that they want to have,

they have to leave the country - like they go to Spain, or somewhere.

British people do that a lot.

It's like, "Oh, my God, I don't want people to know I enjoy sex,

"so I'm going to go to Thailand," or...

-"I've got an erection, get me to the airport."

-Yeah.

-So...

-Oh, yeah. I forgot you were here.

You was doing so well.

-It's not...there's nothing on there, Steve.

-What?

The autocue's not on.

Just go to the last question > on the cards, Ray,

and we'll just cut it out. >

Sound like he losing his patience with you.

On what cards? Right there?

The last one on there. >

-"Meanwhile..."?

-Meanwhile, yeah.

-Yeah. OK.

Next time he take that tone, slap that nigga.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

This is the controversy over the relationship

between two barristers involved in the Leveson Inquiry.

The two lawyers involved were the junior counsel for Leveson

and the barrister who acted for Hugh Grant.

Well, somebody's got to.

Fingers on the buzzers, team.

There is a brilliant poodle that makes dresses

but it can only stick with one pattern.

And it's made...

It's made a dress for her and it's made the shirt for him.

Yeah, what do you think about that?

I know what I think about it and I said it!

-I think it's a better answer.

-Oh, OK.

This is the news that married couple Nancy and Donald Featherstone

wore matching clothes for 35 years.

Here they are on holiday.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Is that Santorini?

Now, what is Donald's claim to fame? Apart from this, obviously.

-He used to wear other clothes.

-He invented something.

He invented something, did he? Not Post-it notes or anything like that?

No, it's something you might see round a lake or something like that.

An ocean gnome?

CAMILLA: Is the answer to any given question.

-You know, like, a garden gnome?

-Yeah, I know a garden gnome.

Well, people who have a beachfront property or a lakefront property,

they have what they call an ocean gnome,

where instead of being green, or black,

this one here is just blue, fat and happy.

So I thought maybe he invented the ocean gnome.

A lot of people don't know about the ocean gnome.

No. Even less now than when you started.

The biggest ocean gnome of all is the Statue of Liberty.

-Hey.

-Just put there, next to the ocean.

-Hey.

-He's taking you seriously.

-You're talking about America now.

-You see them in Africa.

-A flamingo!

He invented flamingos?

-Here are the couple with the ornaments.

-Ah.

He looks like he's been run over.

-He's got a tyre mark right across his...

-Yeah.

I have a feeling that this is her idea.

Right, fingers on the buzzers, teams.

BELL

-This is our special subject.

-Right.

JLS have stopped having their sofa sale.

This is the news, the awful front page of the Sun news,

that JLS are dead.

Don't worry, they're not actually dead.

They've just announced that they'll be splitting up. Hooray!

After a huge arena tour and a farewell album. Boo!

-What do they sing, Ray?

-I have no idea.

-I like The Jam and all that stuff. Clash.

-Punk.

-Are they a punk band?

-No, punk is more your thing.

I'm kind of rock 'n' roll and all that.

No, I just wanted to say "punk" to you.

-It sounds like a soccer league, JLS.

-What does it stand for, JLS?

-I have no idea, Paul.

-Jamaican League Soccer.

According to Marvin, he's one of the band:

It's a bit of a stupid name to choose, then, isn't it?

According to the Telegraph last year:

Hold up. I think you'll find all the members of Busted

are stacking shelves at B&Q.

In other pop news, German quarantine laws have forced Justin Bieber

to leave his pet monkey behind.

I know how painful it is to lose a monkey.

I bet on Barcelona to beat Bayern Munich.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Paul and Reg, your four are Luis Suarez,

the West Midlands police officer, Mark Thompson,

and Peach the Alsatian.

Well, Suarez, of course, is in the news...

he bit a Chelsea player on the arm last week during a match at Anfield.

Mark Thompson used to be Director General of the BBC -

he once bit somebody else on the arm,

I think, during a journalistic argument somewhere.

I don't know about the policeman, or the dog,

but I'd guess the dog's odd one out because it doesn't bite any people,

-it's got no teeth.

-No.

-I give up, then.

They've all bitten someone apart from the police officer...

-Who was bitten.

-Yeah, he was bitten by a flea in a police station.

Was the flea helping police with enquiries at the time?

It turned out this week that a lot of policemen are suing

-their employers for what we would consider minor infringements.

-Yes.

This bloke was bitten by a flea and he sued his own police authority.

Yeah, he sued West Midlands Police and received an £8,000 payout.

-What other payments have been revealed?

-I've missed it.

There was a payout for £600 to an employee:

They were just so astonished to hear about the shocking flea attack.

-So, Luis Suarez.

-Yeah.

Now, we're not allowed to show you the footage -

here's an artist's representation.

I mean, what was the general reaction?

Well, I was delighted because I bet on it.

I put 100 monkeys...

So the general reaction, then, was anger and disgust.

Suarez said sorry, but received a ten-match ban.

Those busy little bees on Twitter took to Photoshopping him

in various hilarious ways. Here's one...

..and another...

-Peach the Alsatian.

-Yes.

Now, police officers in West Yorkshire became exasperated

when prosecutors asked for an account of the crime

from a PC Peach, not realising Peach was, in fact,

the name of the police dog.

Here is the witness statement the Crown Prosecution Service

complained about...

It makes a change from, "He drunk, he stumble in cells, he dead -

"I never touched him."

Ian and Camilla, here are yours.

Cliff Richard, the Oxford cox,

the Norwegian log fire and the new Dutch king's inaugural song.

-The new Dutch king had a song written for his coronation.

-Yeah.

A special song, and decided he hated it.

-The Oxford cox - he swore a lot during the race this year.

-Yes.

Swore like a porn star...

all the way through.

Is Cliff Richard the only one who's been uncomfortable

because he's been placed directly above a fire?

We're All Going On A Summer Barbecue?

Isn't there a Norwegian TV show about logs and getting logs

and putting them in a fire?

And they complained about the way the logs were stacked.

That's exactly right.

But no-one has ever complained about Cliff because he's great.

So, who's the odd one out, then?

Cliff, because he's going on a summer holiday...

..and we're not.

Right, well, they've all caused an audience to complain

but it's about people moaning...

You know, Cliff isn't known for making people moan, is he?

But they have all caused...

LAUGHTER

They have all caused an audience to complain,

apart from Cliff Richard, whose music causes audiences to die.

Have you got any evidence for that?

Yes, there are people who heard Bachelor Boy in 1961 who are no longer with us.

According to Gardeners' Question Time,

a study conducted on the effect of music on plants

revealed that the plants which had been played Cliff's music...

..whereas the ones in the Black Sabbath greenhouse all flourished.

All the plants in Snoop Dogg's greenhouse were impounded by police.

A Norwegian log fire.

This is a log fire that was aired for eight hours

on Norwegian TV during the peak Friday night slot.

According to the Daily Mail,

it was watched by a fifth of the population.

That's about how many people would be stoned, isn't it?

The programme, you know, it divided the nation.

An expert said...

One viewer commented:

The Dutch King's Song, a song composed to mark

the inauguration of the new King of the Netherlands,

was withdrawn by the composer after it attracted a storm of criticism.

Let's have a look.

MUSIC: "Het Koningslied" by John Ewbank

THEY SING IN DUTCH

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As long as they're both willing participants.

Perhaps he is trying to get a reduction on his car insurance.

APPLAUSE

According to the Daily Telegraph, in musical terms, the song is...

..known as crap.

-I think I'd rather like that.

-What?

-Zadok the

-BLEEP.

I think that would be really good.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You'll never guess what I just imagined.

I imagined that was empty.

That's the best reaction I have ever got out of Paul.

-You've never said

-BLEEP

-before.

Well, that's guaranteed that to be in,

otherwise you wouldn't explain this to anybody.

-Oh, dear.

-The Missing Word round is coming up.

-Oh, yes, I'd forgotten about that.

-Who's going to be the daddy?

The latest odds are on your screen now.

Have a bang on that.

This week's guest publication is the Teddy Bear Times.

To be honest, inside it is mostly padding.

And we start with...

Is helpful if you're married to a much older woman.

This is the part of the guide to making your own teddy bear.

Once you've trimmed the fur on the face:

Well, that's what they did to Nick the Bubble, anyway.

I didn't understand a word of that.

-You haven't got a clue what I'm talking about, have you?

-No.

-Welcome to the real world.

Next, what is the meaning...less and fake?

Hold it, hold it, hold it. It's a trick of the...

Is it punctuation?

Yes, it was, sorry.

No, this one gave me the right hump,

-I've got to be honest with you.

-Camels?

-No.

For me, there's nothing better than celebrating St George's Day

in proper English style, with a few pints of Kronenbourg,

followed by a nice ruby.

Next:

CAMILLA: Oh, yes, isn't it the man who said the rude word presenting the news?

This is newsreader AJ Clemente on his first anchoring shift.

Let's see how he got on.

You're watching the evening Sunday on NBC North Dakota news.

Your news leader in high definition.

OK, BLEEP, shit.

Good evening. I'm Van Tieu.

LAUGHTER

..AJ on NBC North Dakota News

and he'll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor.

-Tell us a little bit about yourself, AJ.

-Thanks, Van, I'm very excited.

I graduated from West Virginia University and I'm used to, um,

you know, from being from the East Coast.

OK, well, welcome aboard, AJ.

-She seems to already know that his ass is gone.

-Yeah.

Absolutely.

I think if he'd been really clever

after he'd sort of accidentally sworn - "The news in just now,

"Newsreader swears at beginning of live broadcast.

"Reactions coming in in a moment." That's what I would have done.

But I think newsreaders should.

It would be more interesting if they swore. Like,

"This bullshit just in."

Do you know what, though?

To be fair, this autocue business is actually harder than it looks -

insert joke here, grin to camera, wait for the applause.

Next...

There was the ex-Tory MP Louise Mensch. It's not her, is it?

-I can't believe you got it that quick.

-She's had her face done.

I sat next to her here. I had no idea.

That you were sitting next to her?

I didn't know she was...

I'm not surprised, the way you carry on, you foul-mouthed devil.

One law for the rich

and another law for people who are hosting shows in North Dakota.

And finally...

-Is it the name of a bear?

-Must be.

-No.

It's something to do with comfort and it will keep you nice and...

-Warm.

-Cosy.

-Yeah, say you was on a boat somewhere.

Where does a boat sail?

-A harbour. Sea.

-Yeah, sea. Yeah, yeah.

-Dry.

-Will keep you...

Where would you like to be when you are at sea?

Keep you... On a... I'm on a boat. I'm on a boat.

The waves are coming in, look.

APPLAUSE

I can't believe I did that again.

APPLAUSE

Three times.

Is that the answer?

-No.

-Oh.

Will keep you warm at sea.

This is, of course, designer Gay Wimpory, who has

created this teddy bear sailor jacket for when

the sea breezes get a bit chilly.

The sailor teddy actually owns a pair of trousers as well

but he has just taken them off

and he's waiting his turn in the teddy bear brothel.

REGINALD: Ah! The teddy bear's a ho.

The final scores are

Paul and Reginald, six,

-Ian and Camilla...

-HE CHUCKLES

..eight.

APPLAUSE

There's time for the caption competition.

Ian and Camilla have this.

They're all saying, "Are you going to her funeral? No. No. Not me."

Paul and Reg get that.

Reginald wasn't like the other chickens.

REGINALD: When he opened his eyes,

he realised he had not been granted quite the wish he had asked for.

On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Camilla Long,

Paul Merton and Reginald D Hunter

and I leave you with news that Boris Johnson is very keen

to try out a new fare-dodging scheme currently on trial in Asia.

In Berlin, there is evidence that Germany's prune shortage

is beginning to have an effect.

And a new arrival settles in to Battersea Dogs Home.

Ray the Jack Russell makes it very clear who's the daddy.

Blinding geezer.

Good night.