Episode 5 Have I Got Old News For You

Good evening. Following last week's disgraceful display from Ian Hislop,

the BBC have insisted he has to have

a vicar sitting next to him tonight...

At all times! ..lest he be tempted...

to befoul the air.

So BLEEP watch it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Mel Giedroyc and in the news this week...

history is made in St Ives as a seven-year-old becomes

the first person in Cornwall to get a decent mobile phone signal.

As their election battle bus arrives in Leicester, UKIP Party workers

prepare to meet people from all ethnic backgrounds.

And at the end of a chartered flight to Stansted,

the pilot starts to regret letting James Corden sit in the cockpit.

On Paul's team tonight is a comedian

who, as a child in Newcastle, used to unicycle to school.

Well, that's the North East for you.

Somebody nicks your front wheel, what else can you do?

Please welcome Ross Noble.

Thank you.

Is that true? Yes.

They nicked your wheel? Yeah.

And with Ian tonight, whilst one of The Communards continued to

trawl the gay bars, dressing outrageously

and playing synthpop, the other left to become a vicar,

and they've been reunited this evening...

Please welcome...

Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

Ian and Richard, take a look at this.

Yes, UKIP.

That's Ken Clarke. Clash of the titans.

There's that nice man with the Poundland umbrella.

He's arriving at Transylvania to meet his latest vetted candidate.

Well, you may laugh, but by the time this goes out,

Nigel Farage will be Prime Minister.

He's got a bloody cheek calling himself "Farage"

because that's French. He should be called "Forridge".

He should be forced. But that's the problem. Kenneth Clarke...

The Tories were scared UKIP would take all their seats,

so Kenneth Clown...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy Hunt.

We're looking for you to raise the tone this week!

I meant to say Kenneth Clarke. Yes. He described UKIP as clowns.

Yes, he did. Everyone is focused on them,

but it may be that other things happened.

There were some other parties.

Apparently the Labour Party was standing in some seats.

I've heard of them. We don't know how well they've done.

There was a very interesting candidate...

There was a chap, a UKIP guy, I think it was in Gloucestershire,

who helpfully volunteered this week

that physical exercise prevents homosexuality.

Have you run away from them?

Well, he hasn't been in a gym in Soho for a while!

I'll shut up now, shall I? No, you're good.

No, more about those gay bars in Soho, I think.

That's the whole point of getting a vicar on!

First-hand knowledge!

You've just reminded me, I did have a very tricky encounter.

There's a beach in Norfolk, North Norfolk, Holkham Beach,

which is favoured by naturists.

In a previous existence, I thought it might be quite fun to try that,

and unfortunately bumped into my archdeacon.

And was he arch?

Ross, you'd be arch after that, believe me.

The wind can whistle in from the North Sea, blow up the sa... Oh, dear.

Who voted?

I... Not many! Big vote for the Apathy Party.

Is that it? You can't all have come from London!

ROSS: Has this turned into Question Time?

Yes, that lady over there, in the back.

Please explain why you live in London!

There was talk that UKIP were going to have to buy in policies.

Did you see this?

They were going to buy in policies from a right-wing think-tank.

That's brilliant, the idea of just some bloke in a pub going,

"I've got your foreign policy there. Do you want more in the...?"

So I'm going to start my own right-wing think-tank.

My first one, right, gay marriage is allowed, right?

But the honeymoon has to be you go and destroy a wind farm.

Be careful, you're going to get in.

Whenever he gets interviewed, if I was interviewing him, I'd go,

(FRENCH ACCENT) "Mr Farage!

(FRENCH ACCENT) Nigel!

"Oh, I do like your rushes!"

People have been voting, so let's hear from one UKIP supporter.

Who do you normally vote for? UKIP. I did last time as well, yeah.

Before that? I don't think I voted before that, to be honest. Really?

So UKIP has made you into a voter? Yeah, really, I suppose, yeah.

But do you think they are a serious contender

to become the government of this country?

No, not in the slightest.

How did Nigel "Forridge" hit back?

He said the Tories were trying to smear them

and there may be some lunatics in their party,

but, you know, they've only just started,

they can't spot all of them.

They don't have the resources to find men doing that on Facebook.

Can we have a look at that?

This is a photo that Alex Wood, who's the candidate

for Blackmore Vale in Somerset, put up on his own Facebook page.

Here he is.

They said, "That shows you are fascist."

He said, "No, I was trying to stop someone taking a picture of me

"cos I was about to eat the plant."

That's absolutely right, Ian. It's a Nazi salute, isn't it?

And he also turned and said, "What would I look like with a moustache?

"And... Hey, no, get away. Get away."

How did UKIP's committee chairman in Somerset, Dorothy Baker,

react to all of this?

Are we being paid by UKIP?

That's not even Kent, where we come from! Did you take into account the parking scheme in Cranbrook?

No, I just went, "Which of these people aren't full of hate? Oh, them!"

Did you, Ian?

Oh, lorries, parking... No, it's pretty big stuff!

Well, Dorothy... This should be renamed Have I Got Local News For You.

It's like, "A Sainsbury's in the Loughborough area...

"Planning consent has been given."

We had... We had a sort of... There was a big political debate

so there were candidates from the Tories, Labour and UKIP

at the infant school in my parish today.

We started having a political debate, but then it got

subsumed into a discussion about Mr and Mrs Paris's wisteria.

Aw!

Was the UKIP guy going, "Wisteria, that will grow at least, oh,

"there, there, could be there...

"Oh, I've done it again!"

That's right.

Dorothy Baker said...

You could be Dorothy Baker and talk bollocks.

If all this wasn't enough of an indication of "Nigelle" Farage's

lack of judgment, he was photographed with this.

Oh, God. I can feel the circulation dropping.

Yours or the magazine's?

According to The Times,

what's missing from the UKIP party on a massive scale?

They're not getting enough publicity on the BBC.

APPLAUSE

Is it a humorous, comical mascot?

What would it be, what would they have? A bulldog with a pint.

And a Romanian in a headlock.

That's like a Churchill ad you don't want to see!

"Are you going home?" "Oh, yes!"

Well, apparently it's money.

They need to find ?120 billion to fund

the pledges in their election manifesto, which include...

..and top of the agenda...

You can see why people vote for them!

But you have Tory ministers literally saying,

"I've looked at your proposals and the country cannot afford this,"

instead of saying, "They're not going to get in, it doesn't matter."

If they've got in, I'll feel very silly.

That'll be the least of our problems, I think.

What has Ed Miliband done ten times this week?

He keeps telling people he's the leader of the Labour Party.

Is it avoiding a question? Yes, did you just look at the card, Ross?

You did slightly. Look, one, I can't see it from there. Two, I can't read.

OK.

He's avoided answering the question on Radio 4's The World At One

about Labour's spending plans and he's also been out on the streets

to do Q A sessions while standing on a pallet.

So let's see if he impressed voters in Crawley.

He wants to be Prime Minister. Oh, does he? Of Crawley?

No, no, Prime Minister of the country. Oh, Jesus!

She said, "Of Crawley." Yes, she did say Prime Minister of Crawley.

Anyway, Crawley is lovely. I worked in a plastics factory there, once.

Oh, did you? They've got an excellent retail park in Crawley.

They do! They have a lovely bowling alley there, excellent Nandos, and in the summer, they have

trampolines outdoors for the kiddies!

So you can jump up and down and see somewhere further than Crawley!

OK, and why was Sunday declared Ed Balls day?

Oh, he was Googling himself and then he tweeted his name

and then everyone did a thing on...

He'd meant to type his name into a search engine but he tweeted it by mistake.

And to mark the day, thousands of Twitter users tweeted his name,

and some went just that little bit further.

That's a service update on a London Underground sign. And this one.

There we go.

And last but not least, this one.

That's genuinely frightening.

This is Thursday's local elections.

UKIP suspended their candidate Alex Wood

who was pictured making a Nazi salute.

Mr Wood tried to explain away the photo saying...

The very excuse Hermann Goering used at the Nuremberg Trials.

Ken Clarke struck out at UKIP this week.

..said the fat man with the red nose in the ridiculous shoes.

Paul and Ross, have a look at this. Absolutely. What is it?

Oh, yes, it's bees.

Bees have been affected by certain insecticides, they think.

The bee population is very important because they pollinate

all the flowers and without them we would all die, so they are

going to be a bit more careful about the stuff the pump into fields.

Tiptop. This is the news, of course,

that bees may be saved by a pesticide ban.

Which pesticides in particular, do we know? Neonicotinoids.

Neonicotinoids, absolutely.

Some of them, these neonicotinoids,

are made by the German pharmaceutical company, Bayer.

So who opposed the ban? Spiders. We do.

Wasps. Wasps and bees really hate each other cos they're very similar.

Wasps are a lot thinner, though, aren't they?

They are thinner and they hate that

cos they see bees as being full of the fat of the land. Yes.

Bees are sort of Fern Britton and wasps are sort of... Lorraine Chase.

Lorraine Chase, exactly.

Yeah, but then Fern Britton lost all the weight, didn't she?

Now she's a wasp! So she's a wasp, she's gone bee to wasp.

I think I'm a bee, I'm definitely... She might go back to being a bee.

Yeah, Oprah is bee, wasp, bee, wasp, bee, wasp, isn't she?

That's how the DNA is written out, yeah. I'm a bee. Ian, bee or wasp?

Wasp all the way! Are you?

Yeah, I love picnics. I don't see you as a wasp!

Bee or not a bee, that is the question.

AUDIENCE GROANS Shut your faces.

You can't blame them for that. That's true. That is true.

They're only being honest. Ian, you were absolutely right

when you said that WE are opposing the ban.

Well, not us, our ministers. Not us five.

Owen Paterson, he voted against.

He's not convinced by the evidence.

He said we need to do more tests and the other people said,

"Well, if it IS the pesticides, then we'll have some crops,

"but if we wait too long,

"there won't be any crops left at all or any bees

"and we will all die,

"so why not take the slightly less risky option?"

But the EU has done it, so they've banned these pesticides,

so it's very good news. Yes.

Some British scientists think that the science just isn't proven.

Although, to be fair,

that was Dr Julian Little from Bayer UK's bee-killing unit.

And who is opposing him? Bees! All of them!

The British Beekeepers Association. Yes, or Winnie-the-Pooh. Yes.

Winnie-the-Pooh and the Honey Monster have got together.

"We've got to do something about this!" "Oh, yes."

But the Honey Monster was Winnie-the-Pooh's dealer.

All the fresh honey.

"How do you like it? Runny?"

It's Dr Geraldine Wright

from Newcastle University's bee department.

And... Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you know her?

When I was a kid, we were always down the bee department.

It was like a rubbish zoo. "Can we see the tigers?"

"Yeah, they're very small...

.."and they can fly.

"Dad, are these bees?" "Shut up. No, they're not."

I'm so sorry, Ross, I did that really annoying thing of "Oh, you're from up there,

"do you know Geraldine Wright?"

We all live in one big house up there!

But the thing is, I had to move down south because they used my bedroom to set up the Bee Department!

Geraldine Wright from Newcastle University's bee department says...

So you've got confused bees?

Yes! They're just going, "What's meant to come out my arse?

"is it honey? Is it Marmite? You ask them who the queen is, they've got no idea.

AUDIENCE: Aww! Thank you very much!

I didn't get that! The queen bee. Oh, the queen bee! Sorry, sorry, Ian!

Sorry! Not the actual, like, the Queen.

Did you think our monarch is sitting there on ceremonial occasions

and in that big carriage she's just dribbling honey out of her?

Oh, dear!

Oh, god! No wonder Prince Philip's got that look on his face!

Who else should take the blame for bee deaths?

It's not just human beings.

Themselves. They bring it on themselves. Suicidal?

It's very hard to hang yourself if you've got the ability to fly.

They have to shoot down and go, "Ugh!"

"No!"

There's also the varroa mite, which is to blame for bee deaths.

Do you want to have a look at the varroa mite?

Look at that, bastard.

Shall we have a quick bee quiz? Yes, please. Right, brilliant!

I thought you'd never ask! Fingers on BUZZERS!

AUDIENCE GROANS

This is all based on a Daily Mail interview with Dave Goulson.

You know Dave, he introduced the shorthaired bumblebee to Kent.

Of course he did! Kent, the shorthaired bumblebee.

Shorthaired bumblebee, this is Kent.

Surrey is over there, I'll introduce you later.

Who does Dave Goulson blame

for the bumblebee's 20th-century extinction from Britain?

BUZZER

Kirk Douglas. No, Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler? Adolf Hitler,

because the Dig For Victory campaign in World War II

caused hedges to be dug up and wild flowers destroyed for crop planting.

Right, fingers on buzzers. BUZZER

That's fingers on buzzers!

Is the next question, what noise does a bee make?

BUZZER Good, excellent.

How does a bee pronounce the name Kirk Douglas? BUZZER

Why do bumblebees' feet smell?

BELL Richard?

I've no idea. No idea?

Ross? You can be agnostic about bees. I'm Church of England!

Oh, sorry. He who would valiant BEE.

GROANING Shut your faces!

I'll come over there...

He'll come over there

and tell you another joke if you don't behave yourselves.

Why do bumblebees' feet smell? I don't know.

OK, in order to tell other bees that a flower may not have nectar.

The bumblebee drinks the nectar, pollinates the flower

and its feet leave a smell on the petals. Yes, absolutely true.

Lovely. Why is mating hazardous for the male honeybee? On buzzers.

BUZZER Good. Ross?

They shouldn't do it on buzzers.

They should be on a sort of twig or a bit of leaf somewhere.

Well, according to Dave Goulson...

There is no upside to that, is there?

Right, would you like to know how Dave Goulson caught his first bee?

Is this a bee quiz or a Dave Goulson quiz?

Come on, we're still in the quiz. We've certainly hit the big issues tonight!

UKIP and Dave Goulson!

I can give you the question again. Yes, please.

Would you like to know how Dave Goulson caught his first bees? Yes, I would.

Is that the correct answer? Yes. Good. But you didn't buzz!

BUZZER Good.

Yes, I would. Excellent. This is the most fun I've ever had on this show.

Goulson said, this is Dave Goulson. Go on, Dave! Come on, Dave!

Speak it as it is! He said:

But worse than that, his mum was still wearing the stockings at the time!

Now, what have bee experts discovered in Colombia?

A massive bee, a huge bee. It's actually the world's tiniest wasp.

There it is. He's got a big hand for tiny wasp!

It's called T nana. Where is it? It's so tiny you can't see it, Ian.

How do they know it's been discovered?

It's not just a man with an empty hand, saying,

"Here we are, going to name it after me."

And today's tiny wasp fact is, if you laid 60 of these T nanas end to end

they would equal the length of one ordinary wasp.

Shall we talk about horses? Yes!

Apparently, scientists have been saying that they are lazy.

So what was the experiment that they conducted that concluded that these horses were blooming lazy?

Oh, did they put a jockey with them and they tried to climb on the jockey's back?

"Go on, you do it this time!"

No, they were offered the choice of two pathways,

one to a track where they trotted for two laps, and one for one lap.

Most of the horses who expressed a preference chose the single lap.

What's the problem with this research? It's all made up.

Well...

As one commentator on a peer review website put it:

In order to control the transportation of horses, horse passports have been introduced.

Of course the photo in a horse's passport has to be glued in,

ironically using some of its pals.

Well, in other dying-animals news,

what is Brian May's latest attempt to stop the badger cull?

BELL He's adopted badgers? No.

He's married one?

He's made a song about it. Do you want to have a...? Yes.

# Oh, no, a cull!

# Badger, badger, badger Badger, badger, badger, badger

# Save the badgers

# Badger, badger, badger, badger Badger, badger, badger

# Save the badgers

# Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger... #

And what you can't see is Ben Elton is in the audience, going,

"It's going to make a great musical."

This is the good news for bees in the form of an EU ban on pesticides.

According to one top beekeeper...

..and roughly two million Nectar points

to get a free pot off Sainsbury's.

APPLAUSE

And so to round two and it's welcome to the pithivier of news.

Here's the first spin.

BUZZER The earth, all of the pollution of the earth

is spreading out into the solar system.

You're in the right... In the right solar system. In the right territory.

Is it a thing, is it a thing to turn...

Yes, that's it(!) It's a thing that turns!

It's a thing that turns! I wondered what that wheel was.

This is the news that 1,900 million years ago planet Earth smelled like rotten eggs.

According to Professor Brazier, the process:

What? Were you making a fart noise? No, I was moving.

Moving in my chair. What do you think, I can just fart on command?

It's a chat up line where he's from!

"Ah, Monsieur Petomane!" FAKES FART SOUND

Now, on the subject of smells, what is special about this shirt?

it sort of cleans itself, it never stinks, the bacteria sort of,

because it's not sweat that smells, it's the bacteria drawn to the sweat,

the bacteria can't survive in the shirt so it will never need washing.

You are amazing. Yes, it is a new shirt which its makers

claim can be worn for 100 days straight without getting stinky,

100 days straight, then 100 days gay, then it's up to you.

According to the Telegraph, the company claims to have invented:

Or as its known by students, a shirt.

Here we go, another spin on the pithivier of news.

BUZZER There we go, right.

This is the President of the United States.

Every year they have the Washington Correspondents' Dinner

and in the last few years, the President will make a speech

where he is allowed to sort of make funny remarks and make jokes.

They used to have comedians come on and address them...

But when George W Bush was President, they didn't need a comedian.

Ohhh! Cutting! He opened his library, did you see?

That was this week. George W Bush... All those colouring books!

I was on tour with The Style Council once and Steve White, the drummer,

lovely chap, he was staying in this posh hotel in Scotland

and it was an old castle and we walked into the library,

which was full of books and Steve White said,

"Blimey, what a lot of videos!"

This is the news that Barack Obama

sported a new look to host this year's White House...

This is his wife's hairstyle, isn't it? Absolutely.

Here they are, side by side.

Have you ever wondered what other famous men

would look like with their wives' hair? Yes, I have. Good.

John Prescott and Pauline Prescott. Yes!

Thanks to the Express, you're in luck.

There we go, brilliant.

That's really weird cos Prescott actually looks like my mum!

Do you want to see another one? Looks like Planet Of The Apes.

Strange! Here's David Cameron with Samantha's hair.

Here's Richard and Judy.

And look, here's Prince Philip and the Queen.

He looks like George III. Yes! It's a brilliant look!

Fantastic! David Furnish has also been seen with Elton John's hair,

but that was due to a sudden gust of wind.

Would you like to see a caterpillar that looks like Donald Trump?

This is brilliant, it's the larva of the flannel moth,

which does look absolutely the same as Donald Trump's hair. Fantastic.

I feel it's time for another spin of the pithivier of news. Absolutely.

BUZZER This is Reginald who was on last week.

He got booked to appear at the Professional Football Association's

annual dinner and they weren't entirely happy with what he did.

Yes, totally right. The PFA chairman Clarke Carlisle,

was shocked at Hunter's frequent use of the N-word,

but admitted the PFA had made the booking

and should take responsibility, adding...

Steady on, this isn't Alabama.

And what do the PFA want to do now?

They want him to give the money back, don't they? Do they? Yeah.

Let's look at it this way.

He is being talked about now and Reg is on tour at the moment,

so win-win.

Give the cash back, take the publicity, thanks very much. Bosh!

I don't think he's German.

A PA chief executive, Bobby Barnes, told the Mirror that they wanted to get their money back.

Bobby Barnes?

It sounds like... Could he be any more stereotypically of football?

"Here's Bobby Barnes now, here he is, the plucky young defender."

Bobby Barnes said:

So once again, the black man has to work for free.

GROANS

We're edgy tonight! It's edgy!

Sort of hoping that quite a few of these don't make it...

And how did Reg respond to this furore?

He Facebooked someone. Facebook. Facebook? Absolutely right, Richard.

How quaint(!) He released a series of photos

with his own added captions and here's one of them.

This is the PFA awards dinner

and the wholly unsuitable booking of Reginald D Hunter.

During Reg's performance, lots of black footballers were shocked.

They hadn't heard the N-word used so much

since they last played Liverpool.

As Reg left the stage,

everyone at the awards wondered who could possibly have made such

a terrible selection and all the fingers pointed to Roy Hodgson.

And a final spin.

This is a better search engine than Google's.

At least it finds tax.

But, I mean, Google made something like, I think

it was ?18 billion in the UK and paid ?16 million tax.

16 million? Million. So that's a tax rate of about a thousandth. Yes.

Mind you, they might have been on the helpline to HMRC all that time.

Maybe they just clicked on "Feeling lucky".

Was that a Communards song? No? Will be now!

Is the Communards really high up on your CV? It must be.

Remember the demographic of the people... It's the Communards!

The demographic of the people, it wasn't in my present parish, but when I turned up in one parish,

people's heads would appear over the fence, looking over.

In the end I came out and said hello and they said, "Are you the new curate?"

And I said, "Yes," and they said, "We thought you were black."

And I said, "What do you mean?" And they said, "Weren't you in the Commodores?"

Their executives appeared before the Parliamentary Accounts Committee

and they said, "Why haven't you paid any tax?"

They said, "All our business, it's all in Ireland,

"we don't have to pay any."

And then it turned out that this isn't technically what we call true

and Google's motto is, "Don't do evil"

and it's got to be, "Pay some tax, you bastards."

Render unto Caesar those things that are Caesar's

apart from the stuff you've stashed away on the Cayman Islands.

Last time Google were in Parliament,

they said they sell no advertising space in the UK,

claiming it all goes through their Dublin office, as you said.

But Reuters looked at the CVs

of 150 London-based Google employees,

all of whom said they were...

Mind you, everyone says that, don't they, whatever they do?

You find that on every CV you ever see.

We advertised for a new grave-digger and we got all that.

"I am fully grave compliant." Yes. "Will only work indoors."

Anyone know why members of Parkham Women's Institute

should learn to Google a little bit more carefully?

Have they got very fat fingers? They can't type.

They had a special visitor. From Google?

No, they were given a talk on piracy by Captain Colin Darch,

who you will remember had a very frightening,

dramatic experience when he was captured by Somali pirates in 2008,

something members of Parkham Women's Institute

clearly didn't Google as they chose to dress like this.

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Richard, your four are:

The sample of pitch used in the pitch drop experiment,

the world's biggest jigsaw,

the Pontfadog Oak and Icarus.

Well, I think this is to do with falling to the ground.

Yes, it is, isn't it? Icarus fell to the ground.

The Pontfadog Oak, for want of a few thousand quid after 800 years,

fell to the ground.

I think this jigsaw, he was trying to put a piece in it and it just fell down, the whole jigsaw.

Oh, and the pitch thing is an experiment,

which has been going on for something ridiculous

like 80 years waiting for a drop. And it hasn't fallen down at all.

So the odd one out is the pitch. You're absolutely right.

Yes, they've all fallen down apart from

the ninth drop of pitch in the pitch drop experiment,

that may fall at any moment, apparently.

On a positive note, the oak been declared fit for work by Atos,

so we hope to see it back up soon. As has Icarus.

Shall we go to the live feed? Yes, please.

Here's the live webcam, this is it, real-time.

It's a bit dull, isn't it?

How long has this been? When was this started? In 1927.

And it's been on the internet all that time? That's amazing!

It drops very slowly and there's about to be another one. Exactly.

Anyone know any reasons why the scientists have missed the drops?

It happened at night, when nobody was there watching it.

Did they happen during the war when there was something else to do?

John Mainstone told Radio 4's Today programme that in 2000

he was out of town when he received an email to say, "It's dropped!"

John replied to say...

The reply came back...

And in 1988, when another drop fell, he missed it again because he...

John is not going to make that mistake again, though.

Look at him here.

Icarus famously fell from the sky after his wings melted.

Icarus ignored instructions not to get to close to the sun

and joined the Metropolitan Police Force.

And what modern Greek institution is slightly unfortunately named after young Icarus? Was it the Euro?

No.

It's to do with planes.

The man behind the shortest aviation career in history, Icarus, has given his name to...

And you mentioned the world's biggest handmade jigsaw.

Yes, a record-breaking jigsaw

commemorating the Queen's Jubilee was completed this week.

It was hand-cut by 63-year-old Dave Evans from Weymouth,

who spent 200 hours cutting the jigsaw before putting it together.

Here it is on display.

WOMAN: Absolute disaster.

But what a great bit of commentary.

Who knew that you could have a jigsaw commentator?

"What an absolute disaster.

"Oh, that is going to be

"one of the worst results in competitive jigsawing."

Paul and Ross, here are yours.

The female giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, Cristiano Ronaldo's

supposed lover, the daughter of Kyrano from Thunderbirds and this!

# I got you under my skin when the rain came in

# But as the sweat pours out...#

The character from Thunderbirds, I think

that character is called Tin-Tin.

Usually pandas have the same name twice. Is she BumBum then?

Tin-Tin, BumBum... She is probably called something like Lu-lu or Li-Li or La-la or Bub-bub.

She is called Tian-Tian. Tian-tian, BumBum, Tin-Tin

There will be people from Asia ringing and going,

"This is the most offensive show I have ever seen!"

BumBum is the odd one out because it is not a real name.

You're absolutely right.

But can you give me that band? T'pau? T'pau T'pau! Yes.

So good they named it once. We don't know. Definite article repeated.

The The! The The! Absolutely, it is The The. Good. So who is the odd one out?

BumBum is the odd one out because that is her nickname

and everyone else's real name is a repetition of their first name.

Bingo

Bingo bingo.

They have a repetitive name, apart from Cristiano Ronaldo's supposed lover, who is a model

and she is only... Why is she supposed? Do we not know?

Do we not care? It was very dark, no one could confirm anything.

It is his supposed lover, apparently.

Supposed lover, apparently? this is getting worse.

Have you not got any lawyers on this programme?

Sounds like one of your 80s songs. # Supposed lover!

# There's a possibility of romance!

# Or a lawyer! # It's not been confirmed! #

Bit of Bob Dylan coming in there.

(DOES BOB DYLAN IMPERSONATION) # Haven't confirmed the lady! #

Now I'm trapped in this voice and I'm going to have to do

The rest of the show like this Carry on.

She is a model and she is only known as Miss BumBum.

Her real name was is Andressa, so Ronaldo was only following orders.

Now, why is the fact that she is known as Miss BumBum a massive scandal?

Oh, is it a tribute to Basil Brush?

He was big in the 70s, that will be on the news next week! No, not Basil!

Sooty, he's been quiet! Just saying, imagine that in court.

"What's that? What's that, Sooty? You did not!"

I would just like to state that neither Basil Brush nor Sooty

he have been involved in any sexual misbehaviour. That's not what I've heard!

In the series Thunderbirds, Tin-Tin Kyrano spent most of her time on Tracey Island,

a fictional landmass in a secret location somewhere in international waters.

It is now where Jimmy Carr keeps his money.

The The had most to success in the 80s. According to the sleeve notes on the CD:

They didn't ask him to, but you have seen Later. It is hard to stop him.

Time now for the Missing Words round.

This week's guest publication is SICKinsight.

This is the magazine of SICK,

the German electrical engineering company.

The company was founded by Erwin Sick, who died in 1988

and I'd like to think, in tribute to Spike Milligan,

his headstone reads, "I told you I was Sick."

And we start with...

A lonely goat herd?

Ruthless efficiency?

The answer is:

According to the magazine, their latest screw-driving solution...

That's from their special correspondent, Ooh Er Missus.

Next up.

Naturist Archdeacon.

(ROSS) It's a fish.

It is a type of fish. Frankenfish. Next.

Is this like a country music thing?

Git award and then go to the after party.

Git awarded compensation if you've been injured at work.

The answer is GIT Award goes to the S300 Mini.

This is from SICKinsight.

According to winning product manager, Torsten Rapp...

And that's how you win a GIT Award.

Typical British, laughing at a successful German company.

God, I bet they sell all that stuff and create jobs.

And finally...

RICHARD: Offered by Amazon

in settlement of its 2012 corporation tax...

ROSS: This is burned my willy. Absolutely right.

Not me, but... Ross, you're absolutely right.

The answer was burned my privates.

This is Raymond Cuss, whose genitals were burned

when he used a shower gel bought at his local 99p Store.

After being awarded ?1,000 compensation by the shop,

Raymond said...

So, the final scores tonight are

Richard and Ian with five points,

Ross and Paul with nine.

Nine. Nine!

Embarrassing, it's just embarrassing, that score.

Before we go there's just time for the caption competition.

(RICHARD) What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Bowl of porridge mutates into member of Royal Family.

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and the Reverend Richard Coles,

Paul Merton and Ross Noble.

And I leave you with news

that at a function in Buckingham Palace,

Prince Philip prepares to meet the visiting delegation

from the United Arab Emirates.

In Rome, a new victim experiences the after-effects

of the Vatican canteen's vegetable curry.

And after the prolonged period of cold weather,

there is evidence that the delayed spring sunshine

may finally have reached as far as Newcastle.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd