Episode 5 Have I Got Old News For You


Episode 5

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Transcript


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Good evening. Following last week's disgraceful display from Ian Hislop,

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the BBC have insisted he has to have

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a vicar sitting next to him tonight...

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At all times! ..lest he be tempted...

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to befoul the air.

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So BLEEP watch it!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

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I'm Mel Giedroyc and in the news this week...

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history is made in St Ives as a seven-year-old becomes

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the first person in Cornwall to get a decent mobile phone signal.

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As their election battle bus arrives in Leicester, UKIP Party workers

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prepare to meet people from all ethnic backgrounds.

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And at the end of a chartered flight to Stansted,

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the pilot starts to regret letting James Corden sit in the cockpit.

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On Paul's team tonight is a comedian

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who, as a child in Newcastle, used to unicycle to school.

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Well, that's the North East for you.

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Somebody nicks your front wheel, what else can you do?

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Please welcome Ross Noble.

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Thank you.

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Is that true? Yes.

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They nicked your wheel? Yeah.

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And with Ian tonight, whilst one of The Communards continued to

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trawl the gay bars, dressing outrageously

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and playing synthpop, the other left to become a vicar,

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and they've been reunited this evening...

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Please welcome...

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Please welcome the Reverend Richard Coles.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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And we start with the biggest stories of the week.

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Ian and Richard, take a look at this.

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Yes, UKIP.

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That's Ken Clarke. Clash of the titans.

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There's that nice man with the Poundland umbrella.

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He's arriving at Transylvania to meet his latest vetted candidate.

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Well, you may laugh, but by the time this goes out,

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Nigel Farage will be Prime Minister.

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He's got a bloody cheek calling himself "Farage"

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because that's French. He should be called "Forridge".

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He should be forced. But that's the problem. Kenneth Clarke...

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The Tories were scared UKIP would take all their seats,

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so Kenneth Clown...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Thank goodness it wasn't Jeremy Hunt.

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We're looking for you to raise the tone this week!

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I meant to say Kenneth Clarke. Yes. He described UKIP as clowns.

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Yes, he did. Everyone is focused on them,

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but it may be that other things happened.

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There were some other parties.

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Apparently the Labour Party was standing in some seats.

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I've heard of them. We don't know how well they've done.

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There was a very interesting candidate...

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There was a chap, a UKIP guy, I think it was in Gloucestershire,

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who helpfully volunteered this week

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that physical exercise prevents homosexuality.

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Have you run away from them?

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Well, he hasn't been in a gym in Soho for a while!

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I'll shut up now, shall I? No, you're good.

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No, more about those gay bars in Soho, I think.

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That's the whole point of getting a vicar on!

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First-hand knowledge!

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You've just reminded me, I did have a very tricky encounter.

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There's a beach in Norfolk, North Norfolk, Holkham Beach,

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which is favoured by naturists.

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In a previous existence, I thought it might be quite fun to try that,

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and unfortunately bumped into my archdeacon.

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And was he arch?

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Ross, you'd be arch after that, believe me.

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The wind can whistle in from the North Sea, blow up the sa... Oh, dear.

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Who voted?

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I... Not many! Big vote for the Apathy Party.

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Is that it? You can't all have come from London!

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ROSS: Has this turned into Question Time?

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Yes, that lady over there, in the back.

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Please explain why you live in London!

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There was talk that UKIP were going to have to buy in policies.

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Did you see this?

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They were going to buy in policies from a right-wing think-tank.

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That's brilliant, the idea of just some bloke in a pub going,

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"I've got your foreign policy there. Do you want more in the...?"

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So I'm going to start my own right-wing think-tank.

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My first one, right, gay marriage is allowed, right?

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But the honeymoon has to be you go and destroy a wind farm.

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Be careful, you're going to get in.

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Whenever he gets interviewed, if I was interviewing him, I'd go,

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(FRENCH ACCENT) "Mr Farage!

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(FRENCH ACCENT) Nigel!

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"Oh, I do like your rushes!"

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People have been voting, so let's hear from one UKIP supporter.

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Who do you normally vote for? UKIP. I did last time as well, yeah.

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Before that? I don't think I voted before that, to be honest. Really?

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So UKIP has made you into a voter? Yeah, really, I suppose, yeah.

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But do you think they are a serious contender

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to become the government of this country?

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No, not in the slightest.

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How did Nigel "Forridge" hit back?

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He said the Tories were trying to smear them

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and there may be some lunatics in their party,

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but, you know, they've only just started,

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they can't spot all of them.

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They don't have the resources to find men doing that on Facebook.

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Can we have a look at that?

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This is a photo that Alex Wood, who's the candidate

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for Blackmore Vale in Somerset, put up on his own Facebook page.

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Here he is.

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They said, "That shows you are fascist."

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He said, "No, I was trying to stop someone taking a picture of me

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"cos I was about to eat the plant."

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That's absolutely right, Ian. It's a Nazi salute, isn't it?

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And he also turned and said, "What would I look like with a moustache?

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"And... Hey, no, get away. Get away."

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How did UKIP's committee chairman in Somerset, Dorothy Baker,

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react to all of this?

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Are we being paid by UKIP?

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That's not even Kent, where we come from! Did you take into account the parking scheme in Cranbrook?

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No, I just went, "Which of these people aren't full of hate? Oh, them!"

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Did you, Ian?

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Oh, lorries, parking... No, it's pretty big stuff!

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Well, Dorothy... This should be renamed Have I Got Local News For You.

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It's like, "A Sainsbury's in the Loughborough area...

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"Planning consent has been given."

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We had... We had a sort of... There was a big political debate

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so there were candidates from the Tories, Labour and UKIP

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at the infant school in my parish today.

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We started having a political debate, but then it got

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subsumed into a discussion about Mr and Mrs Paris's wisteria.

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Aw!

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Was the UKIP guy going, "Wisteria, that will grow at least, oh,

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"there, there, could be there...

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"Oh, I've done it again!"

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That's right.

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Dorothy Baker said...

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You could be Dorothy Baker and talk bollocks.

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If all this wasn't enough of an indication of "Nigelle" Farage's

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lack of judgment, he was photographed with this.

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Oh, God. I can feel the circulation dropping.

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Yours or the magazine's?

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According to The Times,

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what's missing from the UKIP party on a massive scale?

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They're not getting enough publicity on the BBC.

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APPLAUSE

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Is it a humorous, comical mascot?

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What would it be, what would they have? A bulldog with a pint.

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And a Romanian in a headlock.

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That's like a Churchill ad you don't want to see!

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"Are you going home?" "Oh, yes!"

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Well, apparently it's money.

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They need to find ?120 billion to fund

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the pledges in their election manifesto, which include...

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..and top of the agenda...

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You can see why people vote for them!

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But you have Tory ministers literally saying,

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"I've looked at your proposals and the country cannot afford this,"

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instead of saying, "They're not going to get in, it doesn't matter."

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If they've got in, I'll feel very silly.

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That'll be the least of our problems, I think.

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What has Ed Miliband done ten times this week?

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He keeps telling people he's the leader of the Labour Party.

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Is it avoiding a question? Yes, did you just look at the card, Ross?

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You did slightly. Look, one, I can't see it from there. Two, I can't read.

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OK.

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He's avoided answering the question on Radio 4's The World At One

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about Labour's spending plans and he's also been out on the streets

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to do Q A sessions while standing on a pallet.

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So let's see if he impressed voters in Crawley.

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He wants to be Prime Minister. Oh, does he? Of Crawley?

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No, no, Prime Minister of the country. Oh, Jesus!

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She said, "Of Crawley." Yes, she did say Prime Minister of Crawley.

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Anyway, Crawley is lovely. I worked in a plastics factory there, once.

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Oh, did you? They've got an excellent retail park in Crawley.

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They do! They have a lovely bowling alley there, excellent Nandos, and in the summer, they have

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trampolines outdoors for the kiddies!

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So you can jump up and down and see somewhere further than Crawley!

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OK, and why was Sunday declared Ed Balls day?

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Oh, he was Googling himself and then he tweeted his name

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and then everyone did a thing on...

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He'd meant to type his name into a search engine but he tweeted it by mistake.

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And to mark the day, thousands of Twitter users tweeted his name,

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and some went just that little bit further.

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That's a service update on a London Underground sign. And this one.

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There we go.

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And last but not least, this one.

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That's genuinely frightening.

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This is Thursday's local elections.

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UKIP suspended their candidate Alex Wood

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who was pictured making a Nazi salute.

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Mr Wood tried to explain away the photo saying...

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The very excuse Hermann Goering used at the Nuremberg Trials.

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Ken Clarke struck out at UKIP this week.

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..said the fat man with the red nose in the ridiculous shoes.

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Paul and Ross, have a look at this. Absolutely. What is it?

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Oh, yes, it's bees.

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Bees have been affected by certain insecticides, they think.

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The bee population is very important because they pollinate

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all the flowers and without them we would all die, so they are

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going to be a bit more careful about the stuff the pump into fields.

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Tiptop. This is the news, of course,

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that bees may be saved by a pesticide ban.

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Which pesticides in particular, do we know? Neonicotinoids.

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Neonicotinoids, absolutely.

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Some of them, these neonicotinoids,

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are made by the German pharmaceutical company, Bayer.

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So who opposed the ban? Spiders. We do.

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Wasps. Wasps and bees really hate each other cos they're very similar.

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Wasps are a lot thinner, though, aren't they?

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They are thinner and they hate that

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cos they see bees as being full of the fat of the land. Yes.

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Bees are sort of Fern Britton and wasps are sort of... Lorraine Chase.

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Lorraine Chase, exactly.

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Yeah, but then Fern Britton lost all the weight, didn't she?

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Now she's a wasp! So she's a wasp, she's gone bee to wasp.

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I think I'm a bee, I'm definitely... She might go back to being a bee.

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Yeah, Oprah is bee, wasp, bee, wasp, bee, wasp, isn't she?

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That's how the DNA is written out, yeah. I'm a bee. Ian, bee or wasp?

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Wasp all the way! Are you?

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Yeah, I love picnics. I don't see you as a wasp!

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Bee or not a bee, that is the question.

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AUDIENCE GROANS Shut your faces.

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You can't blame them for that. That's true. That is true.

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They're only being honest. Ian, you were absolutely right

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when you said that WE are opposing the ban.

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Well, not us, our ministers. Not us five.

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Owen Paterson, he voted against.

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He's not convinced by the evidence.

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He said we need to do more tests and the other people said,

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"Well, if it IS the pesticides, then we'll have some crops,

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"but if we wait too long,

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"there won't be any crops left at all or any bees

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"and we will all die,

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"so why not take the slightly less risky option?"

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But the EU has done it, so they've banned these pesticides,

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so it's very good news. Yes.

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Some British scientists think that the science just isn't proven.

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Although, to be fair,

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that was Dr Julian Little from Bayer UK's bee-killing unit.

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And who is opposing him? Bees! All of them!

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The British Beekeepers Association. Yes, or Winnie-the-Pooh. Yes.

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Winnie-the-Pooh and the Honey Monster have got together.

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"We've got to do something about this!" "Oh, yes."

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But the Honey Monster was Winnie-the-Pooh's dealer.

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All the fresh honey.

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"How do you like it? Runny?"

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It's Dr Geraldine Wright

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from Newcastle University's bee department.

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And... Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you know her?

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When I was a kid, we were always down the bee department.

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It was like a rubbish zoo. "Can we see the tigers?"

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"Yeah, they're very small...

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.."and they can fly.

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"Dad, are these bees?" "Shut up. No, they're not."

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I'm so sorry, Ross, I did that really annoying thing of "Oh, you're from up there,

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"do you know Geraldine Wright?"

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We all live in one big house up there!

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But the thing is, I had to move down south because they used my bedroom to set up the Bee Department!

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Geraldine Wright from Newcastle University's bee department says...

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So you've got confused bees?

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Yes! They're just going, "What's meant to come out my arse?

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"is it honey? Is it Marmite? You ask them who the queen is, they've got no idea.

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AUDIENCE: Aww! Thank you very much!

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I didn't get that! The queen bee. Oh, the queen bee! Sorry, sorry, Ian!

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Sorry! Not the actual, like, the Queen.

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Did you think our monarch is sitting there on ceremonial occasions

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and in that big carriage she's just dribbling honey out of her?

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Oh, dear!

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Oh, god! No wonder Prince Philip's got that look on his face!

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Who else should take the blame for bee deaths?

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It's not just human beings.

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Themselves. They bring it on themselves. Suicidal?

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It's very hard to hang yourself if you've got the ability to fly.

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They have to shoot down and go, "Ugh!"

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"No!"

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There's also the varroa mite, which is to blame for bee deaths.

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Do you want to have a look at the varroa mite?

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Look at that, bastard.

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Shall we have a quick bee quiz? Yes, please. Right, brilliant!

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I thought you'd never ask! Fingers on BUZZERS!

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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This is all based on a Daily Mail interview with Dave Goulson.

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You know Dave, he introduced the shorthaired bumblebee to Kent.

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Of course he did! Kent, the shorthaired bumblebee.

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Shorthaired bumblebee, this is Kent.

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Surrey is over there, I'll introduce you later.

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Who does Dave Goulson blame

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for the bumblebee's 20th-century extinction from Britain?

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BUZZER

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Kirk Douglas. No, Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler? Adolf Hitler,

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because the Dig For Victory campaign in World War II

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caused hedges to be dug up and wild flowers destroyed for crop planting.

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Right, fingers on buzzers. BUZZER

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That's fingers on buzzers!

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Is the next question, what noise does a bee make?

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BUZZER Good, excellent.

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How does a bee pronounce the name Kirk Douglas? BUZZER

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Why do bumblebees' feet smell?

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BELL Richard?

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I've no idea. No idea?

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Ross? You can be agnostic about bees. I'm Church of England!

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Oh, sorry. He who would valiant BEE.

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GROANING Shut your faces!

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I'll come over there...

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He'll come over there

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and tell you another joke if you don't behave yourselves.

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Why do bumblebees' feet smell? I don't know.

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OK, in order to tell other bees that a flower may not have nectar.

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The bumblebee drinks the nectar, pollinates the flower

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and its feet leave a smell on the petals. Yes, absolutely true.

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Lovely. Why is mating hazardous for the male honeybee? On buzzers.

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BUZZER Good. Ross?

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They shouldn't do it on buzzers.

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They should be on a sort of twig or a bit of leaf somewhere.

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Well, according to Dave Goulson...

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There is no upside to that, is there?

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Right, would you like to know how Dave Goulson caught his first bee?

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Is this a bee quiz or a Dave Goulson quiz?

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Come on, we're still in the quiz. We've certainly hit the big issues tonight!

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UKIP and Dave Goulson!

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I can give you the question again. Yes, please.

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Would you like to know how Dave Goulson caught his first bees? Yes, I would.

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Is that the correct answer? Yes. Good. But you didn't buzz!

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BUZZER Good.

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Yes, I would. Excellent. This is the most fun I've ever had on this show.

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Goulson said, this is Dave Goulson. Go on, Dave! Come on, Dave!

0:19:230:19:26

Speak it as it is! He said:

0:19:260:19:29

But worse than that, his mum was still wearing the stockings at the time!

0:19:490:19:52

Now, what have bee experts discovered in Colombia?

0:19:520:19:55

A massive bee, a huge bee. It's actually the world's tiniest wasp.

0:19:550:20:00

There it is. He's got a big hand for tiny wasp!

0:20:000:20:03

It's called T nana. Where is it? It's so tiny you can't see it, Ian.

0:20:050:20:10

How do they know it's been discovered?

0:20:100:20:12

It's not just a man with an empty hand, saying,

0:20:120:20:15

"Here we are, going to name it after me."

0:20:150:20:16

And today's tiny wasp fact is, if you laid 60 of these T nanas end to end

0:20:160:20:22

they would equal the length of one ordinary wasp.

0:20:220:20:24

Shall we talk about horses? Yes!

0:20:240:20:27

Apparently, scientists have been saying that they are lazy.

0:20:270:20:31

So what was the experiment that they conducted that concluded that these horses were blooming lazy?

0:20:310:20:35

Oh, did they put a jockey with them and they tried to climb on the jockey's back?

0:20:350:20:40

"Go on, you do it this time!"

0:20:400:20:42

No, they were offered the choice of two pathways,

0:20:420:20:45

one to a track where they trotted for two laps, and one for one lap.

0:20:450:20:49

Most of the horses who expressed a preference chose the single lap.

0:20:490:20:53

What's the problem with this research? It's all made up.

0:20:530:20:57

Well...

0:20:570:20:59

As one commentator on a peer review website put it:

0:20:590:21:01

In order to control the transportation of horses, horse passports have been introduced.

0:21:120:21:16

Of course the photo in a horse's passport has to be glued in,

0:21:160:21:20

ironically using some of its pals.

0:21:200:21:23

Well, in other dying-animals news,

0:21:240:21:26

what is Brian May's latest attempt to stop the badger cull?

0:21:260:21:31

BELL He's adopted badgers? No.

0:21:310:21:33

He's married one?

0:21:330:21:36

He's made a song about it. Do you want to have a...? Yes.

0:21:360:21:39

# Oh, no, a cull!

0:21:390:21:43

# Badger, badger, badger Badger, badger, badger, badger

0:21:430:21:47

# Save the badgers

0:21:470:21:49

# Badger, badger, badger, badger Badger, badger, badger

0:21:490:21:53

# Save the badgers

0:21:530:21:56

# Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger... #

0:21:560:22:00

And what you can't see is Ben Elton is in the audience, going,

0:22:000:22:03

"It's going to make a great musical."

0:22:030:22:05

This is the good news for bees in the form of an EU ban on pesticides.

0:22:070:22:11

According to one top beekeeper...

0:22:110:22:13

..and roughly two million Nectar points

0:22:160:22:19

to get a free pot off Sainsbury's.

0:22:190:22:22

APPLAUSE

0:22:220:22:25

And so to round two and it's welcome to the pithivier of news.

0:22:250:22:29

Here's the first spin.

0:22:290:22:31

BUZZER The earth, all of the pollution of the earth

0:22:340:22:37

is spreading out into the solar system.

0:22:370:22:40

You're in the right... In the right solar system. In the right territory.

0:22:400:22:43

Is it a thing, is it a thing to turn...

0:22:430:22:47

Yes, that's it(!) It's a thing that turns!

0:22:470:22:49

It's a thing that turns! I wondered what that wheel was.

0:22:490:22:52

This is the news that 1,900 million years ago planet Earth smelled like rotten eggs.

0:22:520:22:57

According to Professor Brazier, the process:

0:22:570:23:00

What? Were you making a fart noise? No, I was moving.

0:23:030:23:07

Moving in my chair. What do you think, I can just fart on command?

0:23:090:23:13

It's a chat up line where he's from!

0:23:130:23:15

"Ah, Monsieur Petomane!" FAKES FART SOUND

0:23:150:23:19

Now, on the subject of smells, what is special about this shirt?

0:23:190:23:22

it sort of cleans itself, it never stinks, the bacteria sort of,

0:23:220:23:27

because it's not sweat that smells, it's the bacteria drawn to the sweat,

0:23:270:23:31

the bacteria can't survive in the shirt so it will never need washing.

0:23:310:23:35

You are amazing. Yes, it is a new shirt which its makers

0:23:350:23:38

claim can be worn for 100 days straight without getting stinky,

0:23:380:23:41

100 days straight, then 100 days gay, then it's up to you.

0:23:410:23:44

According to the Telegraph, the company claims to have invented:

0:23:440:23:48

Or as its known by students, a shirt.

0:23:500:23:53

Here we go, another spin on the pithivier of news.

0:23:540:23:58

BUZZER There we go, right.

0:24:020:24:05

This is the President of the United States.

0:24:050:24:07

Every year they have the Washington Correspondents' Dinner

0:24:070:24:09

and in the last few years, the President will make a speech

0:24:090:24:12

where he is allowed to sort of make funny remarks and make jokes.

0:24:120:24:16

They used to have comedians come on and address them...

0:24:160:24:18

But when George W Bush was President, they didn't need a comedian.

0:24:180:24:21

Ohhh! Cutting! He opened his library, did you see?

0:24:210:24:25

That was this week. George W Bush... All those colouring books!

0:24:250:24:29

I was on tour with The Style Council once and Steve White, the drummer,

0:24:310:24:35

lovely chap, he was staying in this posh hotel in Scotland

0:24:350:24:38

and it was an old castle and we walked into the library,

0:24:380:24:40

which was full of books and Steve White said,

0:24:400:24:43

"Blimey, what a lot of videos!"

0:24:430:24:44

This is the news that Barack Obama

0:24:470:24:49

sported a new look to host this year's White House...

0:24:490:24:51

This is his wife's hairstyle, isn't it? Absolutely.

0:24:510:24:54

Here they are, side by side.

0:24:540:24:56

Have you ever wondered what other famous men

0:24:570:25:00

would look like with their wives' hair? Yes, I have. Good.

0:25:000:25:04

John Prescott and Pauline Prescott. Yes!

0:25:040:25:06

Thanks to the Express, you're in luck.

0:25:060:25:09

There we go, brilliant.

0:25:090:25:12

That's really weird cos Prescott actually looks like my mum!

0:25:120:25:16

Do you want to see another one? Looks like Planet Of The Apes.

0:25:180:25:21

Strange! Here's David Cameron with Samantha's hair.

0:25:210:25:25

Here's Richard and Judy.

0:25:280:25:30

And look, here's Prince Philip and the Queen.

0:25:320:25:35

He looks like George III. Yes! It's a brilliant look!

0:25:390:25:44

Fantastic! David Furnish has also been seen with Elton John's hair,

0:25:440:25:47

but that was due to a sudden gust of wind.

0:25:470:25:50

Would you like to see a caterpillar that looks like Donald Trump?

0:25:500:25:54

This is brilliant, it's the larva of the flannel moth,

0:25:560:25:59

which does look absolutely the same as Donald Trump's hair. Fantastic.

0:25:590:26:05

I feel it's time for another spin of the pithivier of news. Absolutely.

0:26:050:26:09

BUZZER This is Reginald who was on last week.

0:26:120:26:16

He got booked to appear at the Professional Football Association's

0:26:160:26:20

annual dinner and they weren't entirely happy with what he did.

0:26:200:26:24

Yes, totally right. The PFA chairman Clarke Carlisle,

0:26:240:26:28

was shocked at Hunter's frequent use of the N-word,

0:26:280:26:31

but admitted the PFA had made the booking

0:26:310:26:33

and should take responsibility, adding...

0:26:330:26:35

Steady on, this isn't Alabama.

0:26:360:26:38

And what do the PFA want to do now?

0:26:400:26:43

They want him to give the money back, don't they? Do they? Yeah.

0:26:430:26:46

Let's look at it this way.

0:26:460:26:48

He is being talked about now and Reg is on tour at the moment,

0:26:480:26:51

so win-win.

0:26:510:26:53

Give the cash back, take the publicity, thanks very much. Bosh!

0:26:530:26:57

I don't think he's German.

0:26:590:27:01

A PA chief executive, Bobby Barnes, told the Mirror that they wanted to get their money back.

0:27:010:27:06

Bobby Barnes?

0:27:060:27:07

It sounds like... Could he be any more stereotypically of football?

0:27:070:27:11

"Here's Bobby Barnes now, here he is, the plucky young defender."

0:27:110:27:15

Bobby Barnes said:

0:27:150:27:17

So once again, the black man has to work for free.

0:27:190:27:21

GROANS

0:27:230:27:24

We're edgy tonight! It's edgy!

0:27:240:27:27

Sort of hoping that quite a few of these don't make it...

0:27:270:27:32

And how did Reg respond to this furore?

0:27:340:27:37

He Facebooked someone. Facebook. Facebook? Absolutely right, Richard.

0:27:370:27:41

How quaint(!) He released a series of photos

0:27:410:27:45

with his own added captions and here's one of them.

0:27:450:27:48

This is the PFA awards dinner

0:28:100:28:12

and the wholly unsuitable booking of Reginald D Hunter.

0:28:120:28:15

During Reg's performance, lots of black footballers were shocked.

0:28:150:28:18

They hadn't heard the N-word used so much

0:28:180:28:20

since they last played Liverpool.

0:28:200:28:23

As Reg left the stage,

0:28:230:28:24

everyone at the awards wondered who could possibly have made such

0:28:240:28:27

a terrible selection and all the fingers pointed to Roy Hodgson.

0:28:270:28:30

And a final spin.

0:28:320:28:33

This is a better search engine than Google's.

0:28:390:28:42

At least it finds tax.

0:28:420:28:45

But, I mean, Google made something like, I think

0:28:470:28:50

it was ?18 billion in the UK and paid ?16 million tax.

0:28:500:28:55

16 million? Million. So that's a tax rate of about a thousandth. Yes.

0:28:550:29:01

Mind you, they might have been on the helpline to HMRC all that time.

0:29:010:29:05

Maybe they just clicked on "Feeling lucky".

0:29:050:29:08

Was that a Communards song? No? Will be now!

0:29:100:29:13

Is the Communards really high up on your CV? It must be.

0:29:140:29:17

Remember the demographic of the people... It's the Communards!

0:29:170:29:20

The demographic of the people, it wasn't in my present parish, but when I turned up in one parish,

0:29:200:29:24

people's heads would appear over the fence, looking over.

0:29:240:29:27

In the end I came out and said hello and they said, "Are you the new curate?"

0:29:270:29:31

And I said, "Yes," and they said, "We thought you were black."

0:29:310:29:34

And I said, "What do you mean?" And they said, "Weren't you in the Commodores?"

0:29:340:29:38

Their executives appeared before the Parliamentary Accounts Committee

0:29:420:29:45

and they said, "Why haven't you paid any tax?"

0:29:450:29:47

They said, "All our business, it's all in Ireland,

0:29:470:29:50

"we don't have to pay any."

0:29:500:29:52

And then it turned out that this isn't technically what we call true

0:29:520:29:56

and Google's motto is, "Don't do evil"

0:29:560:30:00

and it's got to be, "Pay some tax, you bastards."

0:30:000:30:03

Render unto Caesar those things that are Caesar's

0:30:040:30:08

apart from the stuff you've stashed away on the Cayman Islands.

0:30:080:30:12

Last time Google were in Parliament,

0:30:140:30:15

they said they sell no advertising space in the UK,

0:30:150:30:18

claiming it all goes through their Dublin office, as you said.

0:30:180:30:20

But Reuters looked at the CVs

0:30:200:30:22

of 150 London-based Google employees,

0:30:220:30:25

all of whom said they were...

0:30:250:30:26

Mind you, everyone says that, don't they, whatever they do?

0:30:320:30:35

You find that on every CV you ever see.

0:30:350:30:37

We advertised for a new grave-digger and we got all that.

0:30:370:30:40

"I am fully grave compliant." Yes. "Will only work indoors."

0:30:410:30:46

Anyone know why members of Parkham Women's Institute

0:30:460:30:50

should learn to Google a little bit more carefully?

0:30:500:30:53

Have they got very fat fingers? They can't type.

0:30:530:30:56

They had a special visitor. From Google?

0:30:560:30:59

No, they were given a talk on piracy by Captain Colin Darch,

0:30:590:31:02

who you will remember had a very frightening,

0:31:020:31:05

dramatic experience when he was captured by Somali pirates in 2008,

0:31:050:31:08

something members of Parkham Women's Institute

0:31:080:31:11

clearly didn't Google as they chose to dress like this.

0:31:110:31:15

Time now for the Odd One Out round. Ian and Richard, your four are:

0:31:220:31:26

The sample of pitch used in the pitch drop experiment,

0:31:260:31:29

the world's biggest jigsaw,

0:31:290:31:31

the Pontfadog Oak and Icarus.

0:31:310:31:33

Well, I think this is to do with falling to the ground.

0:31:330:31:36

Yes, it is, isn't it? Icarus fell to the ground.

0:31:360:31:39

The Pontfadog Oak, for want of a few thousand quid after 800 years,

0:31:390:31:44

fell to the ground.

0:31:440:31:46

I think this jigsaw, he was trying to put a piece in it and it just fell down, the whole jigsaw.

0:31:460:31:51

Oh, and the pitch thing is an experiment,

0:31:510:31:53

which has been going on for something ridiculous

0:31:530:31:55

like 80 years waiting for a drop. And it hasn't fallen down at all.

0:31:550:31:59

So the odd one out is the pitch. You're absolutely right.

0:31:590:32:02

Yes, they've all fallen down apart from

0:32:020:32:04

the ninth drop of pitch in the pitch drop experiment,

0:32:040:32:07

that may fall at any moment, apparently.

0:32:070:32:10

On a positive note, the oak been declared fit for work by Atos,

0:32:100:32:13

so we hope to see it back up soon. As has Icarus.

0:32:130:32:15

Shall we go to the live feed? Yes, please.

0:32:150:32:18

Here's the live webcam, this is it, real-time.

0:32:180:32:22

It's a bit dull, isn't it?

0:32:220:32:24

How long has this been? When was this started? In 1927.

0:32:240:32:27

And it's been on the internet all that time? That's amazing!

0:32:270:32:29

It drops very slowly and there's about to be another one. Exactly.

0:32:290:32:33

Anyone know any reasons why the scientists have missed the drops?

0:32:330:32:37

It happened at night, when nobody was there watching it.

0:32:370:32:41

Did they happen during the war when there was something else to do?

0:32:410:32:43

John Mainstone told Radio 4's Today programme that in 2000

0:32:430:32:46

he was out of town when he received an email to say, "It's dropped!"

0:32:460:32:50

John replied to say...

0:32:500:32:51

The reply came back...

0:32:540:32:56

And in 1988, when another drop fell, he missed it again because he...

0:32:590:33:02

John is not going to make that mistake again, though.

0:33:050:33:09

Look at him here.

0:33:090:33:11

Icarus famously fell from the sky after his wings melted.

0:33:130:33:17

Icarus ignored instructions not to get to close to the sun

0:33:170:33:20

and joined the Metropolitan Police Force.

0:33:200:33:23

And what modern Greek institution is slightly unfortunately named after young Icarus? Was it the Euro?

0:33:240:33:29

No.

0:33:290:33:31

It's to do with planes.

0:33:340:33:36

The man behind the shortest aviation career in history, Icarus, has given his name to...

0:33:360:33:40

And you mentioned the world's biggest handmade jigsaw.

0:33:430:33:46

Yes, a record-breaking jigsaw

0:33:460:33:47

commemorating the Queen's Jubilee was completed this week.

0:33:470:33:50

It was hand-cut by 63-year-old Dave Evans from Weymouth,

0:33:500:33:53

who spent 200 hours cutting the jigsaw before putting it together.

0:33:530:33:57

Here it is on display.

0:33:570:33:59

WOMAN: Absolute disaster.

0:34:160:34:18

But what a great bit of commentary.

0:34:190:34:22

Who knew that you could have a jigsaw commentator?

0:34:220:34:25

"What an absolute disaster.

0:34:250:34:28

"Oh, that is going to be

0:34:280:34:30

"one of the worst results in competitive jigsawing."

0:34:300:34:34

Paul and Ross, here are yours.

0:34:350:34:37

The female giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, Cristiano Ronaldo's

0:34:370:34:41

supposed lover, the daughter of Kyrano from Thunderbirds and this!

0:34:410:34:45

# I got you under my skin when the rain came in

0:34:450:34:50

# But as the sweat pours out...#

0:34:500:34:52

The character from Thunderbirds, I think

0:34:520:34:55

that character is called Tin-Tin.

0:34:550:34:57

Usually pandas have the same name twice. Is she BumBum then?

0:34:570:35:02

Tin-Tin, BumBum... She is probably called something like Lu-lu or Li-Li or La-la or Bub-bub.

0:35:020:35:08

She is called Tian-Tian. Tian-tian, BumBum, Tin-Tin

0:35:080:35:12

There will be people from Asia ringing and going,

0:35:120:35:14

"This is the most offensive show I have ever seen!"

0:35:140:35:17

BumBum is the odd one out because it is not a real name.

0:35:170:35:20

You're absolutely right.

0:35:200:35:21

But can you give me that band? T'pau? T'pau T'pau! Yes.

0:35:210:35:28

So good they named it once. We don't know. Definite article repeated.

0:35:280:35:34

The The! The The! Absolutely, it is The The. Good. So who is the odd one out?

0:35:340:35:39

BumBum is the odd one out because that is her nickname

0:35:390:35:41

and everyone else's real name is a repetition of their first name.

0:35:410:35:43

Bingo

0:35:430:35:45

Bingo bingo.

0:35:450:35:47

They have a repetitive name, apart from Cristiano Ronaldo's supposed lover, who is a model

0:35:470:35:51

and she is only... Why is she supposed? Do we not know?

0:35:510:35:55

Do we not care? It was very dark, no one could confirm anything.

0:35:550:36:00

It is his supposed lover, apparently.

0:36:000:36:03

Supposed lover, apparently? this is getting worse.

0:36:030:36:07

Have you not got any lawyers on this programme?

0:36:070:36:10

Sounds like one of your 80s songs. # Supposed lover!

0:36:100:36:15

# There's a possibility of romance!

0:36:150:36:18

# Or a lawyer! # It's not been confirmed! #

0:36:180:36:24

Bit of Bob Dylan coming in there.

0:36:240:36:26

(DOES BOB DYLAN IMPERSONATION) # Haven't confirmed the lady! #

0:36:260:36:31

Now I'm trapped in this voice and I'm going to have to do

0:36:310:36:36

The rest of the show like this Carry on.

0:36:360:36:39

She is a model and she is only known as Miss BumBum.

0:36:390:36:42

Her real name was is Andressa, so Ronaldo was only following orders.

0:36:420:36:48

Now, why is the fact that she is known as Miss BumBum a massive scandal?

0:36:480:36:53

Oh, is it a tribute to Basil Brush?

0:36:530:36:56

He was big in the 70s, that will be on the news next week! No, not Basil!

0:36:580:37:05

Sooty, he's been quiet! Just saying, imagine that in court.

0:37:070:37:12

"What's that? What's that, Sooty? You did not!"

0:37:120:37:16

I would just like to state that neither Basil Brush nor Sooty

0:37:160:37:20

he have been involved in any sexual misbehaviour. That's not what I've heard!

0:37:200:37:26

In the series Thunderbirds, Tin-Tin Kyrano spent most of her time on Tracey Island,

0:37:280:37:33

a fictional landmass in a secret location somewhere in international waters.

0:37:330:37:36

It is now where Jimmy Carr keeps his money.

0:37:360:37:39

The The had most to success in the 80s. According to the sleeve notes on the CD:

0:37:400:37:43

They didn't ask him to, but you have seen Later. It is hard to stop him.

0:37:480:37:51

Time now for the Missing Words round.

0:37:540:37:57

This week's guest publication is SICKinsight.

0:37:570:38:00

This is the magazine of SICK,

0:38:000:38:02

the German electrical engineering company.

0:38:020:38:05

The company was founded by Erwin Sick, who died in 1988

0:38:050:38:08

and I'd like to think, in tribute to Spike Milligan,

0:38:080:38:11

his headstone reads, "I told you I was Sick."

0:38:110:38:13

And we start with...

0:38:130:38:15

A lonely goat herd?

0:38:210:38:23

Ruthless efficiency?

0:38:250:38:27

The answer is:

0:38:280:38:29

According to the magazine, their latest screw-driving solution...

0:38:320:38:35

That's from their special correspondent, Ooh Er Missus.

0:38:370:38:41

Next up.

0:38:410:38:42

Naturist Archdeacon.

0:38:460:38:48

(ROSS) It's a fish.

0:38:510:38:53

It is a type of fish. Frankenfish. Next.

0:38:530:38:56

Is this like a country music thing?

0:38:590:39:01

Git award and then go to the after party.

0:39:010:39:03

Git awarded compensation if you've been injured at work.

0:39:050:39:08

The answer is GIT Award goes to the S300 Mini.

0:39:100:39:15

This is from SICKinsight.

0:39:150:39:17

According to winning product manager, Torsten Rapp...

0:39:170:39:20

And that's how you win a GIT Award.

0:39:260:39:29

Typical British, laughing at a successful German company.

0:39:290:39:32

God, I bet they sell all that stuff and create jobs.

0:39:320:39:37

And finally...

0:39:370:39:38

RICHARD: Offered by Amazon

0:39:410:39:43

in settlement of its 2012 corporation tax...

0:39:430:39:45

ROSS: This is burned my willy. Absolutely right.

0:39:480:39:50

Not me, but... Ross, you're absolutely right.

0:39:520:39:55

The answer was burned my privates.

0:39:550:39:57

This is Raymond Cuss, whose genitals were burned

0:39:570:39:59

when he used a shower gel bought at his local 99p Store.

0:39:590:40:02

After being awarded ?1,000 compensation by the shop,

0:40:020:40:05

Raymond said...

0:40:050:40:06

So, the final scores tonight are

0:40:120:40:15

Richard and Ian with five points,

0:40:150:40:17

Ross and Paul with nine.

0:40:170:40:19

Nine. Nine!

0:40:190:40:21

Embarrassing, it's just embarrassing, that score.

0:40:210:40:24

Before we go there's just time for the caption competition.

0:40:300:40:33

(RICHARD) What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

0:40:350:40:37

Bowl of porridge mutates into member of Royal Family.

0:40:400:40:44

On which note we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and the Reverend Richard Coles,

0:40:450:40:49

Paul Merton and Ross Noble.

0:40:490:40:50

And I leave you with news

0:40:500:40:52

that at a function in Buckingham Palace,

0:40:520:40:54

Prince Philip prepares to meet the visiting delegation

0:40:540:40:57

from the United Arab Emirates.

0:40:570:40:59

In Rome, a new victim experiences the after-effects

0:41:020:41:05

of the Vatican canteen's vegetable curry.

0:41:050:41:07

And after the prolonged period of cold weather,

0:41:130:41:16

there is evidence that the delayed spring sunshine

0:41:160:41:18

may finally have reached as far as Newcastle.

0:41:180:41:20

Good night.

0:41:270:41:29

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