Episode 1 Heading Out

Next thing we know, my friend Tamsin realises she's late for the school run,

screeches off, clips him with the front wheel of her new car.

On the plus side, it is a Prius, so this accident's had a small carbon footprint.

OK. And, and, and how was he at this point?

Oh, really shocked! Really shaky.

So I gave him three drops of Rescue Remedy and a Pulsatilla.

-Pulsatilla?

-Well, anyway, then he started having these fits.

It was terrible. I thought his head was going to fall off.

Well, I immediately thought, Thuja occidentalis.

-Thuja?

-You don't think Thuja?

I don't think Thuja's going to stop a cat's head falling off, no.

No! No! Silly Dorcas!

No, you'd need a snake venom for that.

Well, anyway, things got much, much worse

and he started foaming at the mouth

and making a rattling noise, a bit like this.

A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! A-H-H-H-H-H-H-H!

Yeah. That last one's definitely a signal.

Um...it's very clear from looking at, um...

Mosley.

Mosley. That, um...he's very poorly, isn't he?

Not a lot of quality of life there, is there?

Oh, God, no!

No. Poor thing. So, um...I think it's time you, you said goodbye.

Oh! Well, is there anything we can do?

There really isn't. Not, not when the head has gone.

It's hard to put it in lay speak, but, um...

-Australian bush tincture?

-No.

-I hear Arnica's very good.

-It is, yes, for a small bruise.

But as I say, he's, um...

-Oh. Poor thing.

-I know.

Listen, there's two injections. One is a very small injection, it's the muscle relaxant,

and then the next is a slightly larger needle that's going to put him to sleep. OK?

OK. He's not going to feel it, I promise.

(There you go.)

-I've changed my mind!

-Sorry?

I've changed my mind. I'd like to take him home.

-I've given the muscle relaxant.

-I'll take him home relaxed.

When we vets say relaxed, what we really mean is permanently...relaxed.

Well, he only likes to sit on the sofa.

-The thing is...

-No, no. I could take him to work with me.

-He'd like that!

-You're not listening to me.

-I could pop him under the desk...

-Your cat is essentially a windsock!

I'll sort it for you, I promise.

It's the least you can do, given the mess you've made.

You've killed Mosley!

Um...

-Oh, God!

-You've killed...!

Slight communication issue with Mrs Waterson, Daniel. Um...

I thought she'd never shut up.

I need her cat cremated by 5.00 tomorrow, if that's OK?

-All right, but...

-No buts.

No buts, Daniel. And I'm the head vet, remember?

That means I get the glory animals.

Cats, dogs, a unicorn that needs worming. I'll take that.

And that means you get...

Anything that smells, anything that's old or looks violent.

-Yeah. And?

-I do the nuking.

(It's cremating, Daniel.

(We cremate our clients' beloved pets.

(OK. What did I tell you?)

Er...when you're having sex with a lady,

it's polite to work from front to back.

(About cremating, Daniel.)

Oh. Um...don't cut corners by using gravy granules.

-Yep.

-Don't play Light My Fire in reception,

don't bellow the phrase, "Time to crisp up kitty",

in front of the owner.

(That last bit's very important. Yeah.)

-So...tomorrow.

-Yep.

-June 14th.

-Yes, it is.

Battle of Naseby.

We're recreating it in the park and I get to be Sir Thomas Fairfax.

Yeah. It's brilliant. I've managed to get a real sword, too. Don't ask.

Which is great cos I'm up against that little turd Simon who works in the Co-op.

Remember him? I told you about him,

he got me in a neck lock when we did the Battle of Stamford Bridge.

He was going like that! So this is payback, I'm telling you.

-I wrote it down in the diary, anyway. Look.

-Great.

-Oh, what else is in the diary tomorrow?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, your birthday.

-Yeah!

# Happy birthday to you... #

Oh, that's not necessary.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, cat killer... #

I honestly did not kill that cat.

# Happy birthday, she killed a cat. #

Hi. It's me. Are you all right?

Am I interrupting anything?

Oh, great! No, that's great. OK.

Sorry, it's just a really bad line. Yeah.

Better now. I'm so sorry I haven't called. I've been away working.

Just on an executive conference, you know.

Really, really dull. Yeah.

Remember that night you made me go cross-eyed?

Quite, quite keen to repeat that.

Well, why don't you come by?

There's a key under the mat because I lock myself out.

-Hello?

-DOG BARKS

Fredo, off! Fredo, off!

-Hi.

-Hi!

-He's going nuts. What you got in there?

-Pork chops.

Um....very nervous flyer, so I like to keep them in my hand luggage

like a...lucky charm. Do you want a drink?

Just water. Thirsty after the gig.

Right. Who was playing?

Um...I dunno. Someone Scandinavian.

They totally broke it up, though. So cool.

It was kind of a mixture between Norwegian post-rock

and kind of Swedish ambient.

But mellow, folky, just chilled.

Oh, they were totally deck.

Um...yeah, that sounds, er...really deck.

Um...would you like a yoghurt?

Um...go on. Have a yoghurt.

I'm definitely in the mood for, um...yoghurt.

No, thank you.

I tell you what I'm going to do, just leave a couple of multipacks here, just, um...

in case you feel the calcium burn. Stop it!

DOG SNARLS

DOG BARKS

We had a plan, right?

I'm very keen to stick to that plan.

PHONE: 'Please leave your message after the tone.

'Happy birthday, Sara! Are you there?

'We've had our own share of excitement today.'

It's work. Sorry. I won't be long.

'We got an email this morning from a lovely Nigerian

'saying we've won the Lottery in Lagos

'and all we had to do was send an admin fee of £250.

'You know I'm a stickler for paperwork.

'I just posted that cheque.

'So we've sorted it first thing this morning.'

Hi, Mum.

'Oh, you are there. Hello, darling. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, love.

-Did you hear that?

-Yeah.

So, 40. Oh, gosh, I remember when you were a baby.

-'Such a long time ago.'

-Isn't it!

You had a sticking-out ear

and I was worried it was going to stay that way.

It did stay that way, but I've got hair now, so it's partially hidden.

'I don't like to think of you on your own.'

-I worry, don't I, Donald?

-She worries, yes.

I don't like to think of you alone.

Um...actually, I have, um... met someone.

I won't pry, but what's their name?

Um...Chell. Um...he's a French person

and he's a salesman for a medical company.

Oh, yes. And what sort of things does he sell?

Legs. Um...mainly legs.

Artificial legs.

Oh, well, that's useful, isn't it?

-Very, yeah.

-Everyone needs legs.

Yep, don't they!

Listen, your dad and I were thinking of coming down

because it's been a long time since we visited.

And there's a restaurant I want to take you to.

They tell you the name of the specific cow you're eating

and they show you a video

of highlights from its life while you're tucking in.

So maybe all four of us could go there.

Four? Oh, yeah. That would be great.

Well, what about the weekend of the 23rd?

Oh, no, we can't do that because he's...

away at a withered-limb conference.

Ah. Well, um...a week later?

No. I'm just looking now. No good. He's playing petanque.

A week after that? That's six weeks from now.

You can't be booked up that far in advance.

That's fine. I'll put it in.

All right, the 6th. Don't forget.

No, I won't forget.

-Have a lovely birthday.

-Mm-hm.

Ooo! Pamela told me about the latest scam in the city.

These Yardies flash their headlights at you

and if you flash back, they come and kill you.

-I'll bear that in mind.

-Please do.

-All right, darling. Bye.

-Bye, Mum.

A-hem!

Sorry, I didn't mean to listen, but it was kind of blaring.

Why did you tell her you had a boyfriend?

And 40? You said 32.

-I never thought you'd believe me.

-I should have known.

You tap your feet to music,

you invite someone round for sex and then offer them yoghurt.

Osteoporosis is really on the rise, so it's...

This is a deeply uncool situation. I mean, I'm embarrassed.

I'll see you.

BUZZER

'Hello! Happy birthday.

'More importantly, I have a new carpet, so shoes off when you come in.

'Oh, and leave the dog outside. Thank you.'

-Are you taking your shoes off?

-Yes!

Mind the paintwork, it's freshly done.

Ooh, it's nice, isn't it?

What is it?

-Elephant's Breath?

-It's Clown's Ejaculant.

-Oh, very posh.

-Now, careful over the marble floor,

it's just been polished.

Lucky enough, I walk very much like this, so natural buffing action.

Actually, you might scratch it.

Oh, you have all the fastidiousness of a gay man

with none of the redeeming qualities.

-Happy birthday!

-Thank you.

So, come on, what's up? Please, try and make it something new.

I don't have the energy to feign interest in the same old crap.

What do you mean?

Oh, the aging process, your commitment phobia,

-whether to botox your frown line...

-Let me stop you right there.

It's same old crap.

-Oh.

-I feel shame, Jamie. All the time.

-It's like ivy, creeping around me and I...

-Oh!

-I just worry that if I peel it off...

-Ooh!

-..there'll be nothing left underneath.

-Yrgh!

-What?

-Just wondering at what point it wouldn't be too rude to interject,

ask you to get your feet off the table.

Maybe I'll just lug my existential angst over to someone

who's had sex with something other than a watermelon

this side of the millennium.

She's not a watermelon, she's a honeydew,

her name is Patricia and we're very much in love.

It was here. I'm sure I parked it here.

Zut alors! Nous avons perdu la voiture!

-What?

-Quoi?

-Do you speak French?

-No.

-En francais?

-Non.

-Very good. You see, you're picking it up already.

The reason for the question is...?

Qu'est ce que c'est le probleme?

You know, you're now getting to be almost fluent.

Next thing I need to know is,

do you have a working knowledge of the human skeleton,

with a particular fondness for "jambes"?

OK, you have five seconds to tell me what's going on

before I scream into your sticking-out ear.

-Oh, my sticking out ear?

-Yeah.

-Right, OK, erm...

Well, my mum phoned and she's coming down to visit...

That's fantastic. It'll be nice to finally meet her.

..and I told her I had a boyfriend...

and he was French...and sold legs.

I don't know what came over me either but I was very stressed.

I was in a panic situation and I reacted the best way that I could.

It's only for one night.

You'd just be getting the old girl off my case. Come on. Please?

-S'il vous plait?

-You know, I am going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Oh, God, I forgot he was coming.

Is it wrong to want to shave a dog?

Yes, it's extremely wrong.

It's just, I've just had the car valeted, so...

What's in the bag?

Work stuff. I need to drop it off en route, if that's OK?

Yeah, sure. What about electrolysis?

Do they do that for dogs?

Stop trying to make my animal bald.

-Here is your present.

-Already I know it's not the lamp that I asked for.

-Oh, God, it's started.

-What's started?

The enforced fun.

Oh, no, the enforced fun doesn't start until later!

This is the statutory embarrassing build-up BEFORE the enforced fun.

Talking of which, come over to mine for dinner. Seven o'clock sharp.

Right, and that's dinner, yes? It's not, erm, it's not a surprise?

You know I hate surprises.

Cos you know I have a drugs cabinet.

Just open up and give you myxomatosis...

(of the nuts.)

It's a risk I am willing to take.

-How could you?

-How do you think I feel?

Do you think I wanted to spend a landmark birthday

careering around an industrial estate

-with a liquefying tabby on my lap?

-Get out! Get out!

Hi, wonder if you could help me.

I run the Parker Lane Surgery and I really need to get this cat...

-Welcome.

-Thank you.

Welcome to the Green Valley Place of Rest

for dogs, cats and other companion animals.

May I say how very sorry I am.

Oh, God, don't worry, it's not my cat!

Then I am sorry for the owner's loss...

and at the same time saddened they were too disengaged

to make this final trip themselves.

Please, take a seat and I'll give you our brochures to look at.

We have the full range of commemorative plaques and statuary,

including a limited edition Gilbert and George headstone,

made entirely from injection-moulded pet dung.

Actually, I'm in a bit of a rush...

Yes, I can see. A birthday.

How awful to spoil it(!)

Why not stuff the corpse into a bag

and dump it en route to the nearest nightclub?

It's not like that.

The owner wants the cat's ashes as soon as possible, like, today...

or while I wait, is that...?

We are not a drive-through crematorium, madam.

We don't do takeaways.

Here we take care and consideration.

We hand cremate, we emote...we pray...

Right, oh, that's good. Well...

..so when you suggest I casually incinerate this feline,

you not only insult the memory of the beloved creature itself

but you insult the care and attention

that we at Green Valley customarily lavish upon the deceased.

Could we compromise and say if I leave him here

you'll have him burnt by five?

Only two types of people wear bibs - toddlers and you lot.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, but the skirts are hot.

There is nothing hot about the nylon pleated mini, Justine.

Under 25 is pervy wrong, over 25 it's just wrong

I look like a post-breakdown Britney in this outfit.

What are you doing?

Taking on fluids, fuelling my body - I'm just getting into the zone.

I am...FOCUSED.

Now, excuse me, I need to concentrate on my mantra.

WHISTLE BLASTING

Does the vending machine still do fags?

They've got Mrs Tiggywinkle as goal shooter.

That's Toria.

THEY PANT RHYTHMICALLY

It seems to be some sort of inner city asthmatic haka.

GONG RINGING

Who's Toria?

Just an acquaintance.

Oh, really?

-Is that some sort of sexual frisson I'm picking up on?

-No.

Yes, it is, you're going red!

-Shut up, will you?

-You're blushing!

Look at you, the Don Juan of netball.

What's netball?

-This is netball.

-Is it? I thought it was basketball.

Didn't you expecting the ball to bounce at least ONCE in five years?

I dunno, I just assumed you weren't very good at it.

WHISTLE BLASTING

MUSIC: "Hollaback Girl" By Gwen Stefani

Oh, YEAH!

Three-second rule!

ALL: Soon it'll be over, soon it'll be over.

Brilliant!

Ho!

-Ah!

-Referee?!

Red card! You're going to have a lot of trouble trying to get out of this one.

-WHISTLE BLASTING

-All right, I'm going.

You're actually doing me a favour, OK?

Because I don't want to spend my weekends

playing catch with a load of...big-titted children!

TORIA LAUGHS

-Did she mean us?

-WHISTLE BLASTING

All right, I'm GOING!

Yes, me, back again.

Just forgot my bag...and my dog.

Thank you.

An... Yep, very aware of just how embarrassing that is on every level.

So, er...goodbye.

DOG BARKING AND YELPING

Excuse me!

It's all right, stay there, stay there.

Didn't you see the sign? "Dogs on leads"!

They've been fencing this area with barbed wire all week

but, no, why do that when you can let it run riot!

-It's so inconsiderate of you...

-It's not my dog, love.

-Oh. So, sorry.

-God, is he all right?

Well, no, actually, he's not all right, he's...

..fine, considering, actually.

Did you sort him out? Thank you so much.

It's OK, really. I was just off, on my way to work.

Oh, right. You normally work in the woods?

Yes, er, I'm an apprentice elf.

-I see.

-Hm.

-OK, so when do you get the hat?

You are very elf savvy, aren't you?

Er, way off that yet, actually.

-Of course, because that's Fairy Key Stage Three.

-Yeah.

-Right.

And what about your ears?

-About six months off that.

-OK.

I'm assuming, as an elf, you work in something craft-based.

We are actually trying to move away from that stereotype.

So, I'm an executive.

-An executive?!

-What?

Well, that doesn't mean anything!

It needs to have another word with it, like...

"accounts," or, "sales," or, "advertising" -

-although, I very much doubt it, dressed like that!

-Vet.

An executive VET?

Yes, we're the most elite type of vet, actually.

-Are you a bit embarrassed?

-A bit embarrassed, yeah.

Why?

I dunno. I suppose, people think that vets spend all day every day

with their fist up an animal's arse and, to be honest,

that's only 95% of the job.

Well, that doesn't frighten me. Hi, I'm Eve.

I'm Sara.

-Thank you for looking after my dog.

-You're welcome.

-Right, well...I'm actually in a bit of a rush.

-Sure!

Is he going to be OK or should I get him checked out?

You should, yes, you should definitely get him checked out.

Maybe book an appointment as soon as possible.

He's going to need antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, painkillers,

-MRI, CT scans, ultrasounds...

-Right.

Basically, what I'm saying,

you could be seeing quite a lot of this netballing elf...vet.

You mean EXECUTIVE netballing elf vet.

Yeah.

Well, have you got a card?

-I could bring him by your surgery in the morning.

-I have, I think...

somewhere, here. Here you go.

-OK, thank you.

-You're welcome.

You don't really do eye contact, do you?

Not if I can help it, no.

Well, you should try it. You'd be amazed what you might learn.

Come on!

Do you want to come to a party?

Sorry, are you 12?

No, I just dress like it! Er, it's a surprise.

For who?

Well, for me, actually.

The surprise is how good I am at acting surprised

when everyone jumps out and says, "Surprise!"

OK.

Should I just surprise you by magically knowing the time and place?

-Yeah, why don't you do that?

-OK...

I shall consider it a challenge.

See ya.

Justine, stop what you're doing and listen to me.

I can't stop anything because I'm not doing anything.

Well, this party that you're NOT organising.

This is a trap, isn't it? They said you'd do this.

I want to make sure there's going to be NONE of the following -

jugglers, poets, clowns, strippers, gorilla-grams,

chocolate fountains, ANYTHING on stilts.

Oh, and, Justine - no balloons.

BUZZER

'You are late!'

Listen, you need to let me in, I've locked myself out and I've got news.

-Come on, let me in, let me in!

-No.

Jamie?

Surprise!

Oh-ho-ho! Gosh! I really don't know what to say(!)

-I'm going to kill you.

-Nice to see you made an effort.

Eat, drink, don't spill.

OK, thank you.

What's SHE doing here?

I dunno. She came with Justine's mates. Do you know her?

Sort of. On the surface.

-Hello, soldier!

-Hey, all right?

-Yeah. So, did you win?

You don't tend to change the result when you re-enact battles, so, yes.

What happened to your head?

Pike to the forehead. Schoolboy error, that. Patched it up at work.

Well, what about Simon?

Oh, yeah, I think I managed to break his nose

during a hand-to-hand skirmish.

I got this rock, right,

and I was smashing his face in, like that...

so we're even now.

-I'm going to get a drink.

-I thought a soldier never retreated!

-Hi.

-Hi.

Er...listen, I just wanted to apologise about earlier.

It's none of my business.

It's none of my business what you tell your mum.

Actually, you were right.

Oh, I took your key by mistake earlier, sorry about that.

That's all right, thanks very much.

Surprise!

Wow! You're here. YOU'RE here. We're all...

here.

Great. Er...Eve, meet Clara.

-Chiara.

-That, as well.

So, how do you two know each other?

Well, we've just met, really,

but your friend Daniel was telling me

-how you can geld a tortoise one-handed.

-Yep.

Wow, that's a party trick!

-I could geld him right now.

-All right, Eve?

She popped by work to pick up some ear cleaner and some pooh bags,

I told her where the party was.

All right, there?

Oh, I see.

I've turned this sex triangle into an awkward square!

Fredo, NO! Fredo, no, no! It's a new carpet!

It's a NEW... It's a new carpet!

Sara, is that the cat you killed?

-Yep.

-I thought you said you'd deal with it.

I tried to, didn't I? But it was very difficult.

Who's going to have to speak to the owner tomorrow? That's me.

Thank you very much. Cheers for that.

Why is there a dead cat in your bag?

I like to use it to swing around a room, just to see how big it is.

Why is there a dead cat in your bag?

She's an executive, they do that kind of thing all the time.

-That word doesn't mean anything. Executive what?

-Vet.

Vet?

Why would you tell me you're some globe-trotting advertising guru?

Oh, so I might answer your late-night bootie calls a little bit faster?

Because I'm that shallow?

Do you know what, next time you fancy a brief, and, might I say,

deeply unrewarding shag...

I was very tired!

..call someone else.

Well, this is turning into quite a surprise party, isn't it?

I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a party so much(!)

Erm, I'm going to go for a fag. Do you want to come?

Just going to wait for the colour in my face

to dip from Sir Alex Ferguson to just a normal raspberry.

Shush. Everyone, shut up.

Sara, we've some things we'd like to say to you.

Justine, missed a bit. There's a...piece of paw.

I'm not very good at improvising so I've written things down.

Sara, you are smug, intellectually insecure,

messy and a nightmare girlfriend.

Great speech!

But you are also, and it pains me to say it, loveable.

Because we love you we want you to be happy.

So, with that in mind,

we have clubbed together to get you a mystery gift.

Ooh, hello, this is my bit, isn't it?

First, you need to pop this blindfold on you.

Now, arms out and follow me.

Am I warm?

Surprise!

-Surprise! What's the surprise?

-What is she doing here?

You remember Toria. Toria's a lifestyle coach.

Personal Enhancement Coordinator.

She is your present from all of us.

You're going to work with her for the next five weeks,

she is going to do everything in her power -

be it workshops, group counselling...

Drum therapy.

You said you wouldn't mention that.

Everything so that that when your parents come to visit

you can look them in the eye and tell them you are a big, old gay.

-Very good, very good. It's a joke, yes?

-No.

And if the time comes, you still can't do it,

Toria has been instructed to do it on your behalf.

"Hello, Angela, Sara is a big..."

If you want my advice, you'll go with the first option - far less painful.

You are going to out me to my mother?!

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with YOU?

You'd rather have a friend speak French

and pretend to be your boyfriend than tell the truth.

You're so scared of who you are,

-you don't even like telling people you're from Streatham.

-I'm not from Streatham.

-You see?

Look, outside is this incredible girl.

There's ALWAYS a girl.

Yeah, but this one's different.

And you're always the same. That's the trouble, do you not you see that?

I just need time on my own and then I will do it.

I don't need her, OK?

I'm sorry.

We wanted to get you something we thought would change your life.

This is it. Be free.

Be happy, for once.

Thank God for you - you're the only other woman here in fancy dress!

-What is it? Post-breakdown Britney?

-TORIA LAUGHS

Now, I know we didn't get off on the best footing,

which is a ruddy shame because I'm an awful lot of fun

-and crazy with a capital B!

-TORIA LAUGHS

-So, come on, come on, give us a big, breasty cuddle.

-No, no, no...

That's it, rock and cradle, rock and cradle.

But I only wanted a lamp!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd