Episode 2 Heading Out

This is a nightmare. How do I look?

Like a rhino that's been to SpecSavers.

Is she here yet?

Yes, but don't worry, your personality'll repel her

long before she notices the hair.

Please do me a favour - stall her.

Just for five minutes while I sort this out, OK?

No problem.

Hi. Daniel said to come straight in.

Hi. How are you?

Wow! What happened?

-You've seen Something About Mary?

-Yeah...

-That. But with an un-neutered tom cat.

-Oh.

Yeah. Anyway, how is the...?

Dog?

Yes, got that bit.

I can't remember if it's a boy or a girl.

I can draw you a diagram...

No, don't take the fun out of it - I want to see what I can remember.

Right...it's 50/50, isn't it?

-Boy?

-Is the right answer!

-BUZZER

Oh, now I see them.

'Testing, testing. Message to the pointy-headed prat.

'This is Death Warrior. The guy from the needle bank's here.

'Could you give me the approximate co-ordinates of the sharps, please? Over.'

This is the pointy-headed prat, your employer, calling bearded bastard.

Saying that the needle bank is exactly where it always is, by the door in the plastic bin.

Sorry, that's Daniel.

Take cretin, times it by pillock, add an ounce of dopey and that's him for you.

'10-4. Heard that. You forgot to turn the intercom off. Over.'

Oh!

OK, so, how's he doing?

He's pretty stiff, actually. He's still having trouble walking.

Tell you what, rest him up, and come back in a few days and we'll see how he's doing.

Here?

Yes. Why?

I was thinking he might benefit from having his consultations

in a more...relaxed environment.

Say, in...in...in...the evening?

-Yes.

-I'm actually better in half-light. So, works for me.

Preferably somewhere that serves cocktails.

He loves a cocktail.

Well, what dog doesn't like to just kick back with a pina colada?

I'm trying to think of some dog-based cocktail puns now.

Jack Spaniels and Coke?

Technically a spirit and a mixer, but I will let you off that.

Well, I'll give you a call tomorrow and we'll arrange.

-Thanks again.

-You're welcome.

Oh, and next time maybe you could make more of an effort with your outfit.

The least I expect is a white coat and a pair of latex gloves.

-See you.

-Bye.

Daniel, I need you to get me a surgical gown, scrub suit,

theatre clogs, rubber mask, stethoscope and anti-microbial waders.

And make them...sexy.

OK, I'm just going to go on a tea break. So if you can just handle the consults. I'll be back in about 15.

Go on, you can cover for me.

No.

What do you mean, "No"?!

I'm incompetent, remember? Tosspot multiplied by imbecile

to the power of moron squared.

That's logged, that is. I won't forget that.

Well, that was a joke, because obviously, you're a great person and a brilliant vet and I...

I'm not up to the job, am I? Remember?

Oh, come on, Daniel, don't leave me to do this! I don't know what I'm doing!

I mean...I pop Demerol during consults.

I laugh at bald cats.

I once played keepy-uppy with an anaesthetised hedgehog!

And the next patient, please.

Good news is you've fast-tracked after that, um, hedgehog situation.

OK, Julia, if you'd like to take a seat.

Oh!

-That is so lovely.

-Really?

-Is it an original?

-No, I got it at a car boot.

Just gives me something fun to look at when I'm redirecting a chinchilla's colon.

Oh!

Come on! You've obviously got an eye.

I don't think anyone has ever said that before!

It really lifts the place!

Anyway - you! How can I help you?

Actually, Sara, it's quite sensitive.

I'm getting divorced.

It's been very upsetting.

I don't know if you've ever been married, but the pain is...

absolutely overwhelming. And now I have...

-BUZZER

-'Apologies. Emergency.

-'Do we see chickens?'

-Excuse me.

'Only there's one been brought in,

'and from the injuries, it looks like it's been trying to cross a...'

I think we've sorted that problem. OK. Right, you were saying...?

Well, I suppose things haven't been right for a while.

I guess we stayed together for Rufus.

And now John wants to move on.

You do know this is a vet's?

Yeah.

However much I'd like to and you'd like to,

I am not actually legally allowed to neuter your husband.

Well, I'm sorry to have wasted your time.

So am I. I'm very busy!

THEY LAUGH

God, no, I'm rambling, sorry.

Rufus is our dog.

I see.

He's all I've got left now.

And I'm worried John is going to take him from me, Sara!

Oh, God!

-SOBS:

-He's taking me to court for custody!

He won't stop until I have nothing!

Did you have any sort of provision in place? Any kind of...

pre-pup?

Pup-nup?

No, God, nothing like that.

John's got another woman in his life.

I don't know why he won't let me keep my lovely boy!

All right, listen. So what can I do?

They say you're the best.

Do they? Who says that?

My friend Tara.

-She said when she got divorced, you fought tooth and nail for her to keep her Rioja.

-Rioja?

Her lizard.

Dry skin? Bulging eyes.

Oh, THAT Tara!

Her lizard, Rioja.

Oh, THAT lizard! Yes.

I just need someone to act as an expert witness on my behalf.

All you'd need to do is come round to the house,

do a behavioural study on little Rufus,

just to confirm he's more bonded to me.

What I'm going to do is get a form, OK,

and then we'll fill that out and get some more details.

Thank you.

Thank you!

You know I do like your hair, Sara.

I can't get mine to lift like that.

What product do you use?

You two look like you're in a menopausal version of the Dukes of Hazzard!

You should be grateful that one of us has actually passed their test.

Now, that's not fair. I wasn't expecting that clipboard to go down like that, and I panicked.

You accelerated into a library. Fail.

-Have you finished with that?

-No.

I like eating it to the core,

leaving it in the open air, and then playing Apple Tanning Salon.

-How long does that take?

-Depends on apple size, wind direction...

-What are you doing?

-What's today?

Friday.

Yeah. Friday is...?

The day before the night that's all right for fighting?

It's the day you're supposed to go for life coaching with Toria, remember?

You were supposed to go on Monday, but you cancelled. I wouldn't mind, but we paid a lot of money for this.

I haven't paid anything yet.

Justine, just be quiet and watch your apple go brown.

-What's wrong with him?

-He's in a very bad mood.

Some posh woman has been winding him up at work.

Vile little Sloane.

I mean, who cares about the exact dimensions of a shoe cupboard?

-You?

-No.

-Yeah.

-No.

-Yes!

-Anyway, you'd love her.

-What do you mean, I'd love her?

Come on, you adore those rich girls.

-You're scared of them, but they excite you.

-Rubbish.

-You're desperate to be in their gang.

-Rubbish!

Anyway, we're wasting time - get in.

You won't go and see Toria on your own, fine.

I shall have to treat you like a child. Get in!

I don't want to go!

Are we nearly there yet?

Now, listen.

You have got five weeks before you need to come out to your parents,

so we better crack on. Now, a few things about me first.

I'm 42, GSOH,

non-smoker,

and I'm looking for a once-a-week, no-strings hook-up.

SHE GUFFAWS

Are you like this with all your clients?

Oh, absolutely! Absolutely.

What you need to know is that I'm not a life coach.

I'm a personal development leader.

I've got six degrees, and before you ask, only five of them are from the internet.

SHE GUFFAWS

And I've developed a program - AHEL. A-HEL.

A-HEL. Right.

Acceptance, health, encouragement, learning.

Do you think that acronym would work better if it was HEAL?

Health through encouragement, acceptance and learn...

That is absolutely wonderful!

Do you know it spells "heal"? I'll have that if I may. Yes?

By all means.

BOTH GUFFAW

Now, I work through a variety of mediums.

A dollop of Jung,

a splash of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a touch of Shamanism

and some hypnosis.

Hypnosis?! Oh, you can't be serious.

It's very, very effective. Gets you nice deep and relaxed.

First patient I hypnotised - terrible phobia.

Of what?

Paul McKenna.

Now, I thought we might do some suggestion work today.

So, if you just shut your eyes.

Right.

You are feeling sleepy.

Isn't that what got Snow White nicked?

Just relax your toes into the carpet.

Through your feet...feeling heavy.

Up through the ankles,

Heavy and relaxed.

So...

JUSTINE HUMS "The Birdie Song"

CLAPS

What's happened to her? What have you done to her?!

Nothing.

"The Birdie Song" PLAYS

She must have had some stage hypnosis in the past.

It hasn't left her system.

I don't know what the trigger is! I can't stop her!

Are you telling me she could be doing The Birdie Song for the foreseeable future?!

If they haven't set her on shuffle, yes!

TORIA GUFFAWS

That's the routine.

I live pretty simply now I'm in recovery.

But you know...

We muddle along.

I'm sorry. I just...I had no idea.

Yeah.

So, what now?

Now I just write up the report and we'll go from there, basically.

But, um...

It's pretty obvious that Rufus is very devoted to you.

He's my whole world.

That boy's my whole world, Sara.

Thank you.

Is that an original?

My friend bought it for me.

He's in the film business.

Oh, really?

Yes. Kip.

Kip...?

Schwitzendorf.

Ooh!

Ahhh!

Don't know him.

Oh! Um...

Dutch Kung Fu champion?

No?

He was in Raw Meat.

The Purge?

The Assassinator?

Oh!

The...Assassinator?

Yes!

He's over to promote his new action movie.

Hey!

Why don't you and your friends come along to his drinks night?

Oh, say yes, Sara! It's the least I can do to thank you for your time.

Well, that would be amazing! Thank you.

Listen...

Don't panic if you see John out there.

He's come round to pick up his stuff from the garage.

-I really hope he's not going to be horrid.

-Don't worry, I am going to channel some of Kip's moves.

Oh!

Oh, God, Sara, I am so sorry. Right in the cabbage!

Bye.

All right.

No, it's not too much.

I love you, so nothing's too much.

Yeah, I'll be round as soon as I can.

M'lud...

M'lady...

and M'jury...

In my professional opinion,

this canis lupus...

Lupus, not lucid...

Why are you auto-correcting that?! Lupus!

"Canis pubis" isn't a word, right?

This dog would be best suited to residing

with Mrs Julia...

BUZZER

-'Hi. Your carriage awaits.'

-You're early.

'Yes, well, I thought I could clean your bath.'

Victory!

'Is that terrapin still in it?'

Oh, God, well remembered. Listen, come up.

I think we are third in the league.

Which means, if we win today, and Harriers lose, then we get to be runners up. I think.

I'm not really interested in the scores.

I only watch it because I like the squeak the trainers make.

-Why are you wearing that gear?

-Why are you not?

Did you not get the email?

Oh, sorry, Justine. To be honest, I haven't read your emails for months.

Why not?

CACOPHONY OF ELECTRONIC MEOWING

No reason.

The other team pulled out.

Both their goal attacks got a stomach bug.

Daniel suggested we go on a team-bonding trip.

Daniel? Why's he involved?

I don't know, but whatever it is, he's taking it very seriously.

OK!

Listen up, soldiers.

You've been put into two different teams.

Your task is to capture your opponent's flag,

whilst protecting your own.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!

ALL: YES, SIR!

There is no way I am wearing a camouflage boiler suit.

Well, I can swap you with my netball kit, if you want?

First team to wipe out the other team wins.

He's not a real soldier.

You load your gun...

..like so.

For starters, look at his shoes. They're not properly shined.

And the way he's holding that weapon -

I don't think he's seen any real combat.

Shut up! I'm trying to listen to the safety briefing.

I need to know if I'm taking orders from the real deal here.

OK. Any questions?

Yes. Will it be this muddy out on the field?

There's mud everywhere, metrosexual. Now let's get to it!

Lock and load, you urban muffins!

HE ROARS

ALL: Aaaaaarghhh!

Aaaaaarghhh!

Aaaaaarghhh!

Aaaaaarghhh!

Aaargh...

Why are we going "Aaaaaarghhh"?

I was copying Daniel.

We need to have our own battle cry.

Wooooohooooo!

Wooooo-ooooooooo-oooooooooo-oooh!

Maybe not that. Um...

What the hell!

ALL: Wooooohooooo!

-Who's left?

-Just you and me.

What? Where's Stacey?

-No, she...

-Not another misfire?

-Yeah, I'm sorry! I just don't know how to work this thing.

-Easy, easy!

GUNSHOT

-Right, I think they've just got Jamie and Daniel left and that's it.

-No, they could be anywhere.

I think I'm going to sit out the rest of this goddamn war!

You bet.

Phew!

I've got biscuits.

-Ooh!

-Do you want one?

How much do you know about action movies?

-Everything.

-Yeah?

-I love them. Test me.

Do you know some guy called Kip?

-Kip Schwitzendorf?

-Yeah.

Oh, my God!

He's my favourite!

I'd never heard of him.

Are you mad?! Tank Baby? Dark Crevice? The Assassinator?

Yes, well, I know that now, cos I looked him up. He did Blow Off...

Massive Metal Trousers...

-Infinite Overkill.

-Yeah.

Oh, and my favourite...

Busy Fist.

Welcome to the fist!

Busy Fist 2.

This fist just got busier!

Busy Fist 3.

Same crew...

BOTH: Even more fisty!

How would you like to meet him?

Stop messing around. If you're messing around, I will kill you.

-Lower your weapon, soldier. I kid you not.

-Aaah!

This mud! I would never have worn these trousers.

Like blotting paper. Couldn't we have done this...?

Shall I put him out of his misery or do you want to?

There are so many state-of-the-art playing surfaces that...

Oh, no! No, no, no. Please.

For God's sake, this is a cashmere mix! No!

Have some... Oh, God!

You...

bastards.

GUNSHOT

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SHE COUGHS

You all right? Right!

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!

Come on, just do it! Paint me.

Consider yourself redecorated.

I don't know. I was face down in the mud, remember?

Contemplating my dry cleaning bill.

One minute she was fine, the next, crazy.

It's the shock of being shot. I don't know.

I just want it to stop!

SHE HUMS "The Birdie Song"

-What do we do?

-Well...we just need to, um...find the trigger.

-What trigger?

-Fire words at her, see if one of them works.

Meringue. Giblets.

Jeremy Hunt.

Trouser. Radiator. Atlantic.

Meerkat.

Genital cuff.

HORN TOOTS

Sara!

-Hi!

-You OK? You've been in a fight?

Oh, this?

No, I, um... Just been throwing around a few paint swatches with some friends.

You know interior design types - they can get very heated.

I was dropping your invite round. Hey, I'm off shopping. Fancy joining?

Yeah, I'd love to! That would, um... Yeah.

Hop in!

That was fun - I'd love to do it again sometime.

Yeah, me too.

I...got you something.

Just to say thank you, you know, for everything.

Really, you shouldn't have!

SARA ROARS

Really! You shouldn't have.

Wow! Team that with a pair of combats

and a little bomber jacket and THAT...

is...HOT.

-Hi, I'm Julia.

-Sorry! Julia, Eve. Eve, Julia.

-Hi.

So, how do you two know each other, then?

Oh, we don't really, but...

I'm hoping to be civilly partnered to her in the next fortnight

and then we can start our care home for bullied cats.

-She's joking.

-I'm not remotely joking.

-She's joking.

-That's lovely.

-So how do you two know each other?

Oh, we just met last week, didn't we, Sara?

Yes, we did. She's asked me to study her dog.

That's how it starts.

Well, you look busy, so...

I'll leave you to it.

Bye!

Oh, I'm so glad you like it!

It's cos you love animals.

Yes, sort of love/hate!

Oh, it's just so YOU!

THEY ROAR

-Hi, sorry I'm late.

-Hello, this is...

Why are you dressed like a woman?

Julia.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, my God, is that him?

Is that Kip? Why isn't he wearing his uniform?

Because he's not really a Marine.

Because that was in a film.

Remember how we had that conversation about films being different from real... No, you don't remember?

Remember that time you went up to Daniel Radcliffe and asked him for a game of Quidditch?

Bodyguards bundled us into the car...

I don't know why you insist on calling him Daniel Radcliffe.

His name's Harry.

OK, nice!

I'm going in!

I should go and keep a close eye on her.

-Her hands do tend to get a little bit wandery.

-Hi.

Sorry, I've spent the best part of the day to get that paint from under my fingernails.

Why are you dressed like a prostitute?

Excuse me!

I have changed stylistic direction, courtesy of my new friend.

-Please tell me you are not pointing to the girl with the pearl earrings.

-Yep.

That's her! That's the irritating cow I've been dealing with at work.

How can you be friends with her?! She's evil.

"I need a retro-fitted recess in mother-of-pearl for my nail varnish."

Haven't you heard of minimalism?!

-That doesn't sound like her at all.

-Well, it is.

She's making a break from her husband

because he spends all his time with his sick mum

and she wants to find someone young and rich who can spoil her.

-You've SO got the wrong person.

-I SO haven't.

-You so have.

-I so haven't.

-Why don't you say hello to her?

-I'm going to.

Hi! Just been talking about you.

Hello!

Yeah. So I get up, I eat a pack of eggs and maybe a protein shake,

then I go and do bench press

and maybe pound a bag for a couple of hours.

Then I have a ham...

-Wow!

-If I'm training, I might have maybe two ham.

Yeah. We have then a kilo of pasta,

and then I'm down to the swimming pool doing laps to get the trapeziums nice and strong.

Then it's in the weight room for the rest of the day.

Let me tell you something. When you lift 120,

130 pounds...

to me, it is a truly spiritual experience.

Wow! 120, 130 pounds? How much is that in animal?

I don't understand.

Is it an otter?

I don't know what that is.

A large badger?

It's about like a kangaroo.

-Really? Wow.

-Yeah, about exactly a kangaroo.

Do you think you could lift me?

Oh, yeah, easy.

Easy. No problem.

SHE GIGGLES

Yeah, I'd say you're slightly less than a kangaroo.

-More like a snow leopard.

-Really?

-Hi.

-Hi. This is Kip. He eats ham

and he lifts kangaroos.

-Nice to see you.

-Ah, a working girl.

We have a lot of you in Amsterdam, where I live.

Yeah, it's legal there. It is better.

Yeah, I'm actually not a...

Can I get you a drink?

I'm not drinking, actually.

OK. Oh, listen, I need a vodka milkshake.

And do you serve bacon?

OK.

So why aren't you drinking?

I'm in solidarity with Julia. She's...

HE LAUGHS

But Julia drinks like a fish!

No, she doesn't, because she's in recovery.

Oh, yeah. No, recovery, certainly.

For shoplifting. Yeah, it's an addiction.

She can't go into a shop and not take something home with her.

Pretty sad.

-JULIA:

-Oh, God, I need another drink!

Even I couldn't talk to her without laughing - it's like looking at one of The Proclaimers in drag.

One more day of playing best mates and then I can get shot of her.

You've only had to hang with her for a few days. I had six weeks.

Six weeks!

I don't know why you want that stinking dog anyway.

He's only going to moult all over your new flat. That's why I got a lizard.

I don't want him. I just don't want John to have him.

Poor, little sad John.

-Thanks for the dress. Where did you get it?

-Oh, I just picked it up.

I love it.

Right! Back to it, girls.

-What's up? You OK?

-Yeah.

I'm just an idiot, that's all.

I'm just a total and utter idiot.

I didn't see the signs.

When I went to the house, I noticed Julia had brown dust in the palm of her hand,

consistent with dry dog food residue.

Which was also on the outside of her left jacket pocket,

which means that's where the dog treats were kept

and why Rufus was sitting so obediently next to her.

As I left the house, I noticed that John had a bulging pocket to his right

and damp was coming through,

as if something recently wet had been put inside, like a used handkerchief.

He was turning his face away NOT because he was trying to hide an infidelity,

but because he was embarrassed by his tears.

He was talking loudly on the phone, we means he either a bad line

or was talking to an elderly relative.

The fact that the phone was brand new

and top end leads me to believe it was the latter.

The senior in question? Most probably his mother, seeing as he was gentle

and moderated his vocabulary on the phone.

The trouser fibres just above his knee were flattened

in a straight line, indicating a pressure point

consistent with that of a wheelchair, serial number 4567290.

The type favoured by Virgoan male with Aries rising.

Down a little and just left to his calf,

the presence of three different types of dog hair,

tricoloured, and a slight tang of ear mite,

indicating a long ear canal consistent with a Bassett Hound...

Rufus.

Which means, of course, that HE is he is the primary carer and NOT Julia.

No shit, Sherlock.

Do you know I have no idea what you're talking about,

but damn, you are good.

I really don't know what to do.

You know what you've got to do. The most awful thing imaginable.

-Kill her?

-No, no, no. You're going to do the right thing.

Tell the court the truth.

-Is this your friend?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. She was fun, but now she's gone weird.

Listen, I'd love to stay, but I'm hypoglycaemic.

So I need to eat a turkey and punch somebody or I'm going to explode.

-Wow.

-OK?

"The Birdie Song" PLAYS

Oh, God, here we go.

-Peter Purvis.

-Trousers.

-Sausages.

-Snap out of it.

-Toast.

-Hedgerows.

-Tired now!

-Snake's eyes.

-What's wrong with you?

-Shopping centre.

-Psychiatry.

-Thurrock.

-They have injections.

-M25.

-Big fat bum.

-House boat.

-Pork chops.

Aeroplane.

She's out!

She's out!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd