Welcome to Hebburn, Pet Hebburn

-Do I look all right?

-Of course you do. You look gorgeous.

Please! Will you just look at me and tell me I'm all right!

I'm nervous, and I'm trying to make a good impression.

Don't worry, you are a definite improvement

on the other women I've brought home.

You've got your own teeth, no tattoos, and matching shoes.

I've never been to Newcastle before.

Whoa. We're not in Newcastle, we're in Hebburn.

Hebburn, where dreams come to die.

I can't see anything wrong with this place.

All right, watch this.

All right, Big Keith? Formal wear this evening, is it?

Me shirt's in the wash, man.

See that? Not "me good shirt", "me shirt".

Do you think your mum and dad will be OK about it?

Yeah, I reckon they'll be fine. "Hi, Mam, this is me girlfriend.

"Well, she's not really me girlfriend,

"we got drunk on holiday in Vegas and now we're married.

"Pass the sprouts. Oh, you can't, you're having a fatal seizure."

Maybe we shouldn't tell them.

Look, we're telling them. We are married.

You are my wife. And I could not be prouder of that fact.

For God's sake, will you take your bloody wedding ring off?

Hutchy, man, put it back!

Jack, are you back?

It would appear so.

Tell your dad not to worry, I'll get his hanging basket back.

-Hiya.

-Is this your lass?

-Aye.

< Wazzock!

Hutchy, come back here, you little sod. Welcome to Hebburn, pet.

OK, now remember, show no fear.

They can smell fear.

Hello?

EXCITED SQUEALING

Hiya.

Hello.

All right, you lot, calm down, calm down.

ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY

All right, everyone, enough, please!

Everyone, this is Sarah. Sarah, this is me mam.

-Welcome, pet.

-Hello.

-You're real.

We thought he was making you up! Aren't you gorgeous?

-We've got the whole weekend planned for you.

-Oh, great.

Sarah, this is me gran, Dot.

Pleased to meet you.

I'll best get a good look at you now, pet,

because the next time I see you, I could be a corpse.

Gran, don't start.

Eileen on our block, she saw her grandson at his wedding

and the next time he saw her, there she was, waiting for him, dead.

She died at the wedding.

Oh, I'd love to die at a wedding.

It'd be nice, wouldn't it, to die at a wedding?

Everybody dressed up posh.

Dot, could we talk about something which doesn't involve you

-or any of your friends dying?

-Oh.

I'm Vicki. His sister.

You're not as busty as he usually goes for.

Still working for the Diplomatic Service?

He thinks we're too common for him these days.

But we're not, Sarah.

We can be as classy as any of your posh new friends in Manchester.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Hiya, Denise.

Well, just whack some yoghurt on it, pet.

No, plain. Not black cherry, man.

Well, if black cherry is his preference, just go with that, then.

Where are me manners?

I haven't offered you a cup of tea yet. Cup of tea, Sarah?

Lovely, thanks.

And for you, our Jack, your favourite, double bacon sandwich.

Bacon sandwich, Sarah, pet?

Um... I don't really eat bacon.

You're not a vegetarian, are you?

-No, no.

-Oh, thank God for that. I can't have them in the house.

What sort of person eats a bean-burger

-and expects to be taken seriously?

-It's just that I'm Jewish.

Oh! Jewish?

That's wonderful!

I'll just need a quick word with your dad.

Is that them? Is me boy here?

Yes, look, you. That, out.

-What's wrong, woman?

-Jewish.

-You what?

-Sarah's Jewish, for Christ's sake.

-Oh, for Christ's sake. She's not vegetarian as well, is she?

No, we're clear. She can stay. Now, get that bin over here.

Bin? What for?

We're not oppressing her with forbidden smells.

Not on her first visit, anyway.

Her people have been through enough.

What a waste!

I could have at least have had that under the extractor fan.

That pig's died for nowt now.

Eee, that poor lass. What will she think of us?

Pauline, will you calm down and stop fussing?

You've got to let people like you for you. I like you for you.

What you like's not important, Joe.

What have I told you? Stop sparing my feelings.

Look, here, bread buns, apple corer.

Why, what am I doing?

You're making bagels, Joe, bagels.

Y'after?

-Got ye them DVDs.

-Nice one.

Did you get X-Men First Class?

Aye, but it's got Arabic words going across the bottom.

Fine, I'll put gaffer tape on the telly.

And give us this hanging basket back. Right, we said 20, didn't we?

You might have done. I said 25.

Right.

I'll see yer later.

Tosser!

I've never met anybody who's fully Jewish before.

I went out with this lad who had his hoodie down, if you know what I mean,

but I don't think that makes him proper kosher, does it?

Erm...no.

We had a Jew in the war! He lodged with us.

Oh, lovely fella, he was. Very smooth, not a hair on him.

Oh, Gran, that's enough.

I'll just shut up, then. I'll just sit here being ignored as usual.

Then back to wait to die in the cell block.

It's sheltered accommodation, Gran.

It's bloody Death Row, that's what it is.

And no-one ever comes to visit.

Margaret next door to me,

she's forgotten what her own kids look like.

She's got Alzheimer's!

At least she's got something.

Ah, lovely, sandwiches.

Bagels! We're having bagels.

Aren't these just buns with the middles cut out?

Bagels, Vicki, we're having bagels.

Hello, flower, I'm Joe, Jack's dad and chief bagel-cutter.

-Hello.

-All right, son?

HE CHUCKLES

So how long you been with our Jack?

-Oh, nearly a year now, isn't it, Jack?

-Yeah.

Ooh!

A year! So youse have done the I love yous, then, haven't you?

Yeah, we ticked that box a while ago, thanks.

-How was your drive up, son?

-It was all right. A1 was chocka.

But once we got past Scotch Corner, it was all right,

-but there's still roadworks on that bypass.

-Hey, mind your manguage!

Manguage? What's manguage?

When Geordie blokes are in danger of having to talk

about their feelings, they start speaking manguage.

Eeeh. I've got mad period pains.

-Mind you, the Tyne Bridge has been at one lane for about six months.

-Six months, aye?

Shall we adjourn to the lounge?

Oh, we haven't adjourned for ages, have we?

Oooh, a journey. Are we going on a journey?

We're going into the good room with our bagels.

Bagels?

Jewish bread, Dot. We got some in for Sarah.

Oh, I love sitting in the lounge.

We only use it on special occasions.

We haven't been in there since the X Factor final.

Although we never go in there when I bring a new boyfriend home.

We don't want to wear the carpet out.

Dad!

Now, Sarah, here's a coaster. We got these from the Vatican,

but you'll be all right with that, won't you?

I mean, you probably get points for putting a cup of tea on the Pope's face.

Erm...thanks.

And what do you do? Are you a journalist like our Jack

or do you have a proper job?

I'm doing my PhD in psychology at the minute.

Psychology, the study of psychos.

A PhD? You'll be going out with a doctor soon, our Jack!

She's a doctor? Get over here, pet.

I've got some unknown seepage and they cannot tell us what it is.

And are your mam and dad psychologists too, pet?

They own a shoe shop in York.

-Shoes?

-York?

I love shoes, I love York.

York. So down south, then? Very cosmopolitan.

And do they live above the shop?

All right, youse lot, stop giving her the three degrees

and let's get down to it.

Now, we asked youse up here because we've got some news

and we wanted us all here together, because it affects all of us.

Oh! Are we getting a sunbed?

Your dad's retiring.

Can we still get a sunbed?

-Retirement? That's what killed my Stan.

-Mam!

I'm sorry to hear that.

It's all right, pet, he was a bastard.

Does that mean I can get a lift to work every day?

Ooh, selfless as ever.

Now, stop it, youse two! This is important!

Your dad is giving up the Merchant Navy and he's coming home for good.

Wow. So why the early retirement?

There comes a time in a man's life

when he has to take a long, hard look...

At his test results. Your dad's heart's knackered.

He needs a bypass.

Are you going to die, Dad?

No, of course he's not. You're not, are you?

I'm not going to die. I just have to take it easy.

Or as easy as your mam will let us take it.

Cos if you die, I've got nowt to wear to a funeral.

And I'll be dead sad at the time so can I have a new black dress now?

Not now, Vicki! This is important!

Your poor dad can't even run up stairs any more.

He comes to bed huffing and puffing these days.

Doesn't stop for an hour before he can sleep.

Ohhh, is that what it is?

Thank God for that.

The walls are thin in this house. Remember that, Jack.

Eh?

The walls are thin.

Remember that time when he brought that asthmatic girl back?

I thought he was strangling her.

You know, in a sexy way?

Oh, no. We wouldn't. I mean, we don't!

Well, we do. Well, not the strangling thing...

Anyway, not here.

-It's Denise.

-I know.

All right, Denise? What y'after?

Talk to it! Talk to it! Talk to it!

Jack's back.

Where? Does he still have dreamy eyes and hair that makes you quiver

and when he spoke, did he get furious hips?

Your dad coming home for good will mean we'll have to tighten our belts and make it work as a family.

I'm not paying rent. I'll get pregnant and get a council flat, but I'm not paying rent.

No-one's paying rent! Will you listen to your mother?

We can't afford to keep your gran in the retirement village.

Village of the Damned.

She's going to move in here with us.

She's not sharing my room! Not with her snoring and the seepage.

Oh, no, Jack's going to come up over the next few weekends

and convert the other sitting room into a bedroom for her.

Am I? I didn't spot that in me diary.

Look, Dad, I'd love to help, but, you know,

I've got me book on the weekends...

Jack, you can read your book anytime.

Son, I need you to do this.

Yeah, OK, then. Yeah.

It was definitely Jack, and he had a new lass with him.

I'm not interested in Jack. I'm interested in his sister.

Was Vicki there? Did she say anything?

Still not talking to you?

No. The occasional blank text, but apart from that, nothing.

See, the thing I've come to accept about women is

they're very keen on you not shagging other women.

I know, I know. I'm a slave to me loins.

I got carried away with the rock and roll lifestyle, the buzz,

-the glamour.

-Glamour?

You're a pub singer. In this pub.

Sure, this may just be a pub to you,

but when I climb onto that stage and open up my lungs...

something magical happens.

Aye, everyone disappears.

Hey, this gig is just a springboard for me.

OK, I may have messed up on the cruise ships,

but I'll be leaving Hebburn soon enough.

Look at Jack, he got out.

And now he's back. And he doesn't look too happy about it.

If you want to fix things with Vicki,

perhaps I could interest you in the ultimate romantic DVD double bill.

How's about...Love Actually and...Ross Kemp On Gangs?

GROANS

What's wrong?

You said they never go out. I didn't bring any going out clothes.

It's just Hebburn. It's hardly Hollyoaks.

I've been to weddings where I was the only one not wearing a tracksuit.

-It might mean nothing to you, but I'm trying to make a good impression.

-They already love you.

Look, I thought we just had a kitchen downstairs,

turns out we've got the North East's premier bagel factory.

Now every time we come up, our Vicki can show you round Hebburn.

Hmm. That sounds like it'll be an education.

I told you what she was like, didn't I? She's just a loveable slapper.

Would you like me to be a loveable slapper?

I'm afraid not, my lady, for I am a married man.

When are we going to tell them we're married?

I'll sound me mam out at the pub.

I'll tell her I'm thinking of popping the question or some old shite.

Some old shite? Why thank you, Mr Darcy(!)

Is that what proposing to me was?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come on, youse two. The loveable slapper wants to leave now.

Thin walls, Jack! Thin walls!

# So release me

# And let me love again. #

Thank you, thank you.

Well, I'm just going to take a quick break, folks.

So you fill your glasses, and I, Gervaise, will be back

to fill your hearts with the gift of song.

I'll actually be crooning you some of my favourite songs

from one of my favourite films. Can you guess what it is?

-The Passion of the Christ!

-Deep Throat!

Manon des Sources?

All good guesses, but no.

-The Artist?

-You'll kick yourself when you hear it.

I'll kick you when I hear it.

-Ghostbusters! Ghostbusters II!

-Hello, ladies.

-A few rowdy lads in tonight.

-Uh-huh.

Oh, God.

Welcome to my palace of song.

What would you have the emperor sing?

Do you know the one that goes, "I was going out with this lush lass,

"then I went away on a cruise ship

"and shagged a cocktail waitress in the stern,

"thinking the lush lass wouldn't find out

"but it turns out the slut was the lush lass' cousin's best friend's niece?"

-Do you know that one?

-I...

-No! I didn't think so.

-Vicki, I...

-Face!

Vicki, wait!

Eee! Pauline Pearson! I haven't seen you for ages pet!

Hiya, Siobhan, flower. We're out celebrating. Joe's retiring.

-His heart's knackered.

-Aw, smashing.

How's your mam, Siobhan?

They reckon the HRT is helping.

But some days, to be honest,

she looks like a sweaty Ross Kemp with a perm.

-Hiya, Siobhan.

-Hiya, Joe. I hear your heart's knackered.

-Yeah.

-Where's Sarah and our Jack?

He's keeping her company while she has a tab.

Oh, I didn't know she smoked.

-You don't smoke.

-I know, I know. I just wanted a moment alone.

Aw. Are they doing your head in?

I know Mam's driving can be a bit...chilling.

It was like an Alton Towers ride.

The people carrier is a prized possession, though.

It's easily overtaken the hostess trolley.

Right, then, let's commence operation We Might Be Thinking Of

Getting Married, Even Though We're Actually Already Married.

Let's go.

-What you want to drink, Sarah?

-Oh, pinot grigio, please.

Huh! We don't do cocktails, flower.

-Oh. Wine?

-No bother. We've got red and white.

Or I could do you a half and half. You know, rosy.

-White, please.

-Pint for you, Jack?

Jack just drinks wine too, don't you?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Oh, does he now?

And would his lordship like some posh crisps with the sea salt and...

lamb pepper.

I'll just have a pint, cheers, Dad.

Pint of wine it is.

No, just lager, Siobhan.

Hiya, Denise.

Hiya, Vick. Hiya, Jack.

Hello, Denise.

Denise, you look proper lush.

Denise, this is Sarah, Jack's new lass.

-Hello.

-She's Jewish, Denise.

Is that what you're into these days?

Sarah, this is Denise that was on the phone before.

So how's the patient?

Sorted now, thanks, pet. I just chucked a Yakult on it.

Do you still like Yakult, Jack?

No, I got put off it.

Shame.

Sees youse later.

Is that er... Is that Sheila Fairclough over there?

Aye, she must've nodded off again.

You look at her now, you'd never think she was Miss Hebburn 1979, 1980 and 1982.

-What happened in '81?

-Risley Remand Centre.

Fighting at the semi-finals. Town crier lost an eye.

Shouldn't someone take her home?

We tried that once, she marched back in in her slippers and said

if we did it again, she'd individually glass each one of us.

You know, in that lovely sing-songy voice of hers.

I told you he was back and I told you he had a new lass.

All right, Ramsey, Big Keith?

I'm just back for the weekend, like, not stopping.

-Away, then, introductions to your old crew.

-Hi, I'm Sarah.

-All right, pet?

-Hello.

-She's Jewish, Ramsey.

Why, aye, I've never met anyone from overseas before.

Welcome to the country, flower. You want to be careful with him.

When he lived here, he was like a rat up a drainpipe.

Reckon he had his own seat at the clap clinic and everything!

Mind, you probably want your own seat there, don't you?

Or, "Hello, nice to meet you," would have just been fine.

Yeah. What am I like? Face.

-Nice to see you, son.

-Cheers, Dad.

At a christening! I'd happily die at a christening.

-I imagine Jesus would like that as well - one in, one out.

-HE CHUCKLES

Eee, can somebody get me the key to the disabled lavvy?

I think Elvis needs to leave the building.

I'll get it.

Well, I'm going to the able toilets. Come on, Sarah.

-What?

-Come with us - then we can have a proper girly gossip.

Oh, erm...

I'll give you a push.

Eee, that Sarah is wonderful, our Jack.

I know. She is.

And a degree too! You can tell right away she's cleverer than you.

-OK. Good.

-I tell you, she's not like every single one of your other ones.

-Mam, don't start.

-Well, that last one was a bloody mess.

Hitting a policeman.

I know she said she thought he was a stripogram,

but what sort of a stripogram comes in full riot gear?

Oh! Would you like me to just step out?

Oh, no. How can we gossip like lasses then?

KNOCK ON DOOR Busy!

It's Denise, man! It's the wild card round, what you having?

Breezer. Get us a cranberry, though, I've got a touch of the 'titis.

Mind, that Sarah seems a bit up her own arse, doesn't she?

Er, no, I think you've just got to get to know her, pet.

Well, if she mucks it up with Jack, I'll be in there quicker than

-Gazza on a free bar.

-SHE LAUGHS

You're much nicer than some of the other lasses he's brought home.

He's had some right horrors.

Oh, we've no secrets. He's told me all about his exes.

-He fair old broke Denise's heart, good and proper.

-Denise?

She couldn't box for weeks.

Right. Right.

You're probably wondering if I heard through the wall that you're married?

Not now you've just clarified matters.

Well, don't worry. I'll not tell no-one.

You won't tell anyone.

I'll keep your little, terrible secret.

Really?

Aye. Cos I like you. You're all right.

Welcome to the family, pet.

VICKI GIGGLES

Mam, listen, about Sarah... I really love her.

It's pretty serious, you know.

I might even be thinking about taking the next step.

SHE GASPS

MUFFLED SHRIEKING

-All right. Just... OK?

-That's fantastic!

-OK. OK.

-I already knew your secret, you know.

What? What do you mean?

-A mam knows, Jack.

-Oh.

I just had a feeling when I saw youse together. I just...

Oh, I just had the vibes, our Jack.

You're going to be very happy together.

You've known her for two and a half hours, how can you know what she's like?

A mam knows. Unless there's something you're not telling us?

-No, course not.

-I knew that, pet.

I knew there wasn't something you weren't telling us.

Course not.

-Unless there's something else you're not telling us.

-No.

I knew that too.

All right, Joe?

Gervaise.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, Joe,

but when me and your Vicki were together,

I thought I'd found me proper soulmate, like.

Shame you shagged that cocktail waitress, then, isn't it?

Mistakes were made.

But I want Vicki to know she still means the world to me.

What can I do?

Well, she was always a fan of your singing.

In fact, she told me she'd much rather listen to you sing than have to listen to you talk.

Hey, great idea!

I could sing our song. That's bound to tug on her heartstrings.

You can't get more romantic than the Cutting Crew.

TOILET FLUSHES

Right, I've freed the slaves.

What happened in the toilet? Is she going to say anything about our secret?

No. We're fine. We've made a contract.

And a contract made between two women in a toilet cubicle cannot be broken.

I told me mam I'm thinking of popping the question in your direction.

And she was thrilled. She thinks you're great.

-Really?

-Course she does. Why wouldn't she?

Right, I reckon it's time for a round of shots.

Oh, no, thank you, I've already had three wines.

-I don't want to get too drunk.

-SHE LAUGHS

Here we go.

Drunk is all relative. Why don't we call them a nightcap?

Cos you can't get drunk off a nightcap, can you?

You're right. Why not?

Masterful.

Ah, that's better. Or is it worse? It's hard to tell.

Sit here, our Sarah, next to me.

Oh! It's "our Sarah" now, is it?

-Well, it might be soon.

-Mam!

If you and Jack get married, will we have to have a Jewish caterer?

No, of course not.

Is there a special sort of hat you'd need me to wear?

No, no.

And would Jack have to convert to your side?

Well, that's not compulsory. And I don't really see Judaism as a side.

Would we? Cos I'm fine with not working on a Saturday,

but I'm not sure Joe's heart could take him being circumvented.

ALL LAUGH

-What?

-I was so worried that I'd embarrass myself.

But you're all just lovely.

Ooh, we should take a picture of everyone!

Oh, yes, a picture of all of us.

Ramsey, take a picture of us, will you, flower?

-Here you are.

-I think you should hurry up, I don't feel very good.

-ALL: Ah!

-That'll be the shots sloshing around and doing their magic.

This is a fancy bit of kit, like.

Aye, just take a picture, not the whole phone.

Jack, don't be so rude.

Your mum's right, Jack, these are good people.

They take care of their own.

Sheila's dead!

Right, dead body.

We've got seven minutes before the police get here.

If we're quick, we can get another round in. Denise!

I'm already there!

ALL CLAMOUR FOR DRINKS

Ahh! Everybody!

Poor Sheila is lying there dead.

Do you not think she deserves a bit of dignity?

Man, just cordon her off. It's what she would have wanted.

No. First thing we should do is get her affairs in order.

Cos she did get Bigfoot And The Hendersons off me at teatime

but she hadn't paid us for it yet.

So I'll just get the money from her purse now, save any hassle later.

Ramsey, you will not! A woman's purse is sacred!

Here, Sarah, you look after it for her.

Big Keith, Joe, get her out the back, will you?

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Partying around this poor departed woman,

going through her things like jackals.

It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

SARAH VOMITS

To be fair, that's probably worse, like - being sick in a dead woman's handbag.

Doesn't Sarah look nice in a wedding dress?

-SARAH VOMITS

-What?

Look! It's in that Las Vegas!

Jack is dressed as Elvis, but it's definitely him!

Are youse two married?

Yes. Sorry. We wanted...

SHE VOMITS

Jack?

Mam, I'm sorry. We were waiting for the right time.

You kept this...from your mam?

Me only son got married.

Dressed as Elvis. And this is how I find out?

In the middle of the pub in front...of everyone,

including dead Sheila? I can't think of anything less appropriate.

This is specially for you, Vicki.

# I just died in your arms tonight... #

Away, man, not now!

# I just died in your arms tonight

# I just died in your arms tonight

# Must have been some kind of kiss

# I should have walked away

# I should have walked away... #

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