Ghost Town Hebburn

We're going to be late.

Well, if someone didn't spend an hour doing their hair...!

-That was you.

-Yeah, I know, but look at the result.

I look like I've been dragged through a really cool hedge, forwards.

Anyway, we're not late-late, so it's not a problem.

Isn't it?

Cos I think we're already in your mum's bad books.

Ah, she'll have forgiven us.

-She won't.

-She will.

-She won't.

She will. It's been a week, she'll have moved on.

Uh-uh. We got married and we didn't invite her,

or even tell her, until she found out in front of all of her friends.

Sarah, I promise you, there is no way she'd have us drive

all the way from Manchester just to give us a hard time.

Come to break me heart again, have you?

What have you done this week? Got divorced without telling us?

OK, you win.

We said eleven o'clock, didn't we? Eleven o'clock is what we said,

and it's now nearly midday.

It's ten past eleven.

Don't split hairs! We're going to be late.

Late on a Sunday! What would the little baby Jesus think?

He'd probably forgive us.

Sorry for keeping you waiting.

I'll take your bags.

Hello, Sarah.

You look gorgeous. Joe!

Ah, the newlyweds!

Dad, please, don't. We were drunk and we got married -

that's what drunk people do in Vegas.

We feel awful about it. I mean, not the being married part,

but the you and Pauline missing the wedding part.

Is there anything we can do?

Nah. It'll pass. She's peaking now.

Best thing you can do is just ride this one out,

unless you've got a pair of Michael Buble tickets and a transit van full of Ferrero Rocher.

Peaking? It's been a week - seven days.

And seven long, cold nights.

-SINGSONG:

-You're in trouble!

You're just glad it's not you for a change.

-Aw. Keeping secrets from the family, eh?

-SHE TUTS

I thought you were Mr Goody Two-Shoes.

Turns out you're Mr Shitey One-Sandal.

Joe, get those boxes into the car. Jack, you help him.

Vicki, coat on.

We're supposed to be helping Dot move out of the old folks' home today,

but at the rate we're going, the undertakers'll be doing it for us!

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

-Don't worry about your mam.

-I'm not worried.

I'll have her back in a good mood faster than Gok Wan gets a fat lass down a catwalk.

How?

-Got me book deal, didn't I?

-No!

Yep. 30 grand up front for yours truly.

Got the call on Friday.

Kevin - he's me agent - he reckons it's destined to be a modern classic.

Gazza - The Forgotten Years.

-Well done, son!

-Cheers, Dad.

-Brilliant!

And an agent?

First one in our family to have an agent, eh?

Mind you, your granddad knew a bloke who could get him jobs,

but he worked at the job centre.

MOBILE BEEPS

Ooh, looks like Denise has pulled another dud.

Prince Charming must have turned back into King Minger.

HONKS HORN

Whoa! What's all this, like?

Ah, you snooze, you lose, Dad, you snooze, you lose.

Sometimes you just lose, our Jack.

-Aw, Mam, come on...

-No talking whilst I'm driving!

Hang on, I've made us a CD for the way.

CAR ENGINE STARTS

MUSIC: White Wedding by Billy Idol

Arriba, arriba, andale, andale.

-Your gran'll be champing at the bit.

-She'd better not be, I've only just finished paying for them teeth.

Listen, Mum, I've got some news.

Oh! What more are you going to spring on us?

Have you got Sarah pregnant?

Am I not your real mam?

Er...I got me book deal. I'm going to be a published author.

When?

Sign the deal next week. 30 grand.

His agent's sorting out all the...agent-y stuff.

You never told me you were writing a book.

I've told you loads of times. You never hear anything I say!

I did hear!

I just wasn't listening.

It's only a book about Gazza.

It's not like it's a great piece of literature, like a book about Cheryl.

VICKI CHUCKLES

Well done, son.

Mind, this doesn't mean I'm over not being invited to your wedding.

HE SIGHS

In fact, I don't think I'll ever recover.

But I'm proud of you.

Proud and hurt. Or am I hurt and proud?

Anyway, you're still up a certain creek without a paddle with me.

Now, come on, all of youse.

Here.

-Don't worry. I'm not in her bad books, I'll talk her round.

-Maybe we can get her something

with the money from the book deal. And get myself a big telly.

No! This could be really great for us, we're not wasting it.

You're right, nothing for me mam, just a big telly.

Jack! Will you hurry up?!

Sorry, Mam.

You'll be late for your own F-U-N-E-R-A-L.

-Why are you spelling it out?

-Look where we are.

-TV:

-'..a potential buyer. Now, I've got some top tips on...'

ALL: Ooh! Oh!

ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY

ALL: Oh, it's Dot's. It's for Dot.

-ALL GRUMBLE

-Just ignore them, me darlings.

Five! Look at them!

Mmm? Five visitors!

When was the last time somebody had five visitors?

You know our Joe and Pauline and Vicki and Jack.

But this is Sarah...

Jack's new wife.

Sarah, this is Betty, Maud,

Eileen, Violet,

Agatha, Brenda, Ethel,

Dorothy, Mrs Patel and Edna.

And that old fella's Deaf Ted.

Oh...

and that's Winny.

But we don't talk to Winny.

And she knows why, don't you, Winny?

ALL MURMUR: She knows why, yeah.

Sarah's Jewish, everybody.

ALL: Ooh!

And they just went to Las Vegas and got married

without telling anyone.

ALL: Ooh!

Pauline's furious about it.

I'm not furious, Dot.

She's keeping it bottled up. It's what she does.

She'll explode later. Ooh, it'll be awful.

Say nowt to no-one about nothing, right?

I don't want this getting out.

I get you. Early days.

Take it slow. I've been hurt meself.

If you tell anyone about this, I will show you the meaning of hurt.

Eee! Our Denise!

Did you stop over again last night, did you?

Aye, Hilda.

Oh, I thought as much.

I says, "Either our Denise has got a gentleman friend home again

"or the ghost's back, shifting furniture and groaning."

Let's get youse two downstairs.

All right, then?

Hey! Hiya, Denise!

Hiya, Vic.

Putting your tights on?

Aye.

All right, Ramsey, son, what you doing here?

Well, I thought...er...seeing as I've taken so much from society,

it was time to put something back in, you know, move it around a bit.

The wheelchair.

They were conjugating all night last night, pet.

At first, we thought it was the ghost.

So...working here now, Denise?

Yeah, Jack, yeah, I am.

I get on with them - women who have lost their one true love.

And Doreen, who killed hers with a Kirby hoover.

All right, Sarah?

Still Jewish?

Well...yes.

It doesn't really go away.

And then we heard the shouting.

Howling and moaning she was all night, like a banshee.

"Jack! Jack!"

"Jack! Jack!

"Yes! Yes!"

We best be getting to your room, Dot.

See you later, Denise.

See you later.

You've so many photos, Dot.

Are these Jack's cousins?

No, that's Enid's family.

The woman next door who died.

I just liked the look of them,

so I kept the pictures when they were clearing her out.

They're lovely, aren't they?

Especially her mother. Dead glamorous.

She puts an effort into HER appearance, Pauline.

I might be glamorous if I spent a bit more on me hair

and a bit less on commodes for ungrateful old women.

A wall of memories. Take your pick.

My whole life's in those photos.

And some of Enid's as well.

That's Dot and me granddad.

Mmm. He was a bastard.

Right, how are youse lot? Let's finish getting her boxed up.

Boxed up? That's not the sort of language for round here.

Oh, Jack, if you see anything you like for your flat,

just tell me, darlin'.

Oh, I wouldn't want to break this stuff up, Dot.

It really works as a set, doesn't it?

You said he was a bit of a character, but you look happy here.

Well, we were. He could be romantic when he wanted to be, my Stan.

When he wanted something, you know, in the night.

And when we were courting...

oh, there wasn't a flower left in that graveyard.

Mind, there's nothing romantic

about having the letters RIP in your front room.

It's sweet, though, those little thoughts.

I mean, my last boyfriend never did anything spontaneous, but Jack...

He's...he's just lovely like that.

Romance is all well and good, Sarah,

but there's a fine line between a romantic and an idiot.

You know, it took Joe four goes until he remembered I was allergic to roses.

-But it's the thought...

-I swelled up like a pudding.

Four birthdays in a row,

I sat in Luigi's looking like a sweaty Oompa-Loompa.

Get your mam some roses - that'll cheer her up.

I can't remember the last time I got her roses.

-I can't just get flowers. What else cheers a woman up?

-Fancy knickers. I can get you them cheap.

For me mam?

-She not wear knickers, like?

-Not fancy ones.

Look, son, she's blaming me as well for this.

You're going to have to do something, for both our sakes.

Something big.

A big gesture. That always works with women. It's always got me out of trouble, anyway.

Or his big gestures that he thinks will make everything all right, stupid man.

Oh, Jack does that too.

But it shows how loyal he is, doesn't it,

wanting to make everything all right?

Sarah, me Dad Artexed a wall

-every time he forgot their anniversary.

-Uh-huh.

You couldn't walk through our house without being snagged on something.

But it shows he values how the people around him are feeling.

Once, we had this argument and he felt just awful,

so he took me to London, to the West End, and got us tickets to see...

BOTH: Phantom Of The Opera?

How did you know?

Oh, Joe's taken me to see that more times than I care to mention.

If I see that ugly fella cry cos he's never been kissed one more time, I will swing for someone.

She loves the Phantom, your mam. When the fella cries at the end

cos he's never been kissed, you can see her getting all emotional.

I have thought of something that might work.

-You know, make things right.

-Go on, then.

I could get married again.

Whoa, there, Henry VIII, one at a time!

Aw, come on, Sarah would love it as well - a proper do.

I don't think she can remember much of it, we were both so drunk.

In the wedding photo, she looks like Pete Doherty in a dress.

So Sarah gets to have her special day

and we all get to be there to celebrate it with you.

Who's going to pay for it?

I've got the money from me book deal, haven't I?

-You writing a book?

-Aye, Ramsey, I am.

Going to be the first person in Hebburn to write a book. Or in some cases, read one.

-I thought you worked in that paper down in Manchester?

-Nah, gone self-employed.

Oh, right. Welcome to the daytime telly-watching community.

Aye, but I'll be watching it on a 57-inch TV.

Just ordered it. A surprise for Sarah.

It's a big enough gesture, son.

A second wedding could get you right out of a hole.

Like the time I bought your mum a new car.

Wow! What did you do that required a car-sized apology?

1988. I dropped your sister on her head.

I know what you mean about romance, Sarah.

I never thought I'd be going out with somebody in show business.

-He's a pub singer.

-He's way above a pub singer.

He worked on a cruise ship.

Where he cheated on you with a cocktail waitress.

From Byker. I think that's the part that hurts the most.

INSANE GIGGLING

But don't you worry, Sarah, he's not going to get away with it scot-free.

The thing with men is, you have to show them who's in charge.

I own him.

And once he's given in to that, we can move on.

Right, that's the first lot done.

Right, lunch break. Come on, girls, get yourselves ready.

We're going out for a Sunday pub lunch. Are you coming, Dot?

No, not for me, Pauline.

I've got some stuff I want to give out to the other women before I go.

It'll be like me Last Supper, pet.

But at lunchtime.

Y'after? Did you get everything?

-Course, I'm not an amateur.

-I won't go back in there looking like an idiot

cos I couldn't get what they wanted.

Four bottles of rum, three bottles of brandy, and that eggnog crap.

You got the money?

Can I not owe you?

I'm not Northern Rock, man.

Oh, just till next week, Hutchy.

Look, right, I know where you live.

We agreed a price.

Now, I either take it out your wallet or out on your windows.

All right, all right. Here.

Nice one. Who's it all for, anyway?

The old folks in this place. Me new lass works here, like,

so I'm throwing them a party, you know, impress her a bit.

-You're a bellend.

-Hey! Show some respect.

You're a bellend, Dad.

Now, go on, bugger off, I'll see you next weekend.

Whatever.

And...er...stay in school, don't do drugs!

Kids, eh?

Bellend!

# Just help yourself to my lips To my arms

# Just say the word And they are yours... #

Yeah, 30 grand up front. Living the dream.

I'm not spending the rest of my life just taking orders off people.

Oh, two pints of lager and three cokes, and I'll be sitting over there. Cheers.

Thank you.

You have got to stop bragging, people don't like it.

Sarah, people round here don't like anyone succeeding in anything.

Look at Gervaise.

He's the closest we've got to a celebrity,

and look how they treat him.

# Just help yourself! #

Just help yourself, Vicki.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Please give it up - on bongos, Big Keith! SCATTERED APPLAUSE

-You're a dick!

-Away, man!

Not you Big Keith, him!

Aye, fair enough.

It's only the fact they do a cracking dinner in here

that's he's got an audience at all, you know.

If they'd had him on in Guantanamo Bay,

they would have caught Bin Laden in a fortnight.

Hiya, Pauline.

Hello, Siobhan, we've come for our dinner.

Oh, you're a bit late for a roast dinner.

Big Keith's just drinking the last of the pork fat.

Aye, one of us thought they could just swan up whenever they liked.

I could do you scampi and chips, scampi and mash, or...

scampi in a bun. With gravy.

Bloody hell, can we hear the specials(?)

Gervaise! Do The Specials!

-# This town

-Oh-ohh

-# Is coming like a ghost town

-Oh-ohh... #

Happy now?

# All the clubs have been closed down... #

Oh! Oh!

Now, Hilda, you can have one of me glass clowns,

because you've always wanted a glass clown, haven't you?

Ooh! A glass clown, lovely!

But your George spent all your savings before he died

on that lass from Thailand.

Filthy man.

Still, we'll not punish you for his godless ways.

Aw, giving some of your things away, Dot?

Oh, this lot need cheering up.

Maud, how about a wooden owl from Magaluf?

Will that make a difference?

Ooh, lovely!

Agatha, you get nothing,

because you have to learn that lavender is a scent and not a way of life.

Eh, I'd like...

I know what you'd like, but I'm thinking that with your Parkinson's,

a crystal swan's just tempting fate.

-Oh!

-But, you can have me miniature ceramic clogs.

Aw, thanks, Dot.

And, Winny, you don't get anything, do you?

ALL MURMUR: Winny knows. Nothing for Winny.

Hey, settle!

Denise, do you want something, my angel?

I don't think you've got what I want in there, Dot.

There's a Faberge egg I got at Poundstretcher.

That's always turned a few heads.

I just want a fella, Dot.

One that's not an idiot, and that'll hold us in the night, you know?

ALL: Aw.

I'll hold you all night, Denise.

To be honest, Deaf Ted,

if it wasn't for your slippy catheter, you'd be in with a shout, son.

It's gone again, Denise.

Of course it has, love.

Right, I'm off to re-plumb Deaf Ted.

Any nonsense from you lot while I'm gone,

I'll leave the window open this afternoon.

ALL: No! Draft!

Right, let's get Songs Of Praise on.

Shots every time there's a "Jesus".

If we get a "hallelujah" - down in one.

TV: # Hallelujah... #

Jackpot!

I'm actually in the process of developing my own musical. It's based...

Oh, thanks for that rose you got us last night, lover.

If that's the starter, when do we get to the main course?

Because this little boy is ravenous.

This little boy is on a diet

and if I ever catch you trying to get takeout from another chip shop,

-you'll find yourself with nowt to fork with.

-Vicki, wait!

Nice bit of scampi, that.

Yes, quite satisfactory.

Not a heartbreaking disappointment, like 50% of me children.

Listen, Mam, I really want to make this up to you.

Ooh, he gets this from you. This is your fault.

What have I done?!

The fact you don't know makes it all the worse.

-If you just let us speak...

-Listen, I know how we can fix this.

-Will you teach him how to do Artex a wall?

-No, I've been thinking and...

The only way we can this sorted is if these two get married again.

Dad!

Yep. We can do it properly.

Sarah can have her special day,

and WE can all be there to celebrate it with them.

I'm not sure that's the best use of our mo...

Can we, Jack? Can we have another wedding?

Course. He can give us the money from his book deal.

We were going to use that for...

He's getting 30 grand - a wedding won't cost anywhere near that.

It'll put everything right, won't it, son?

I suppose so.

Oh, I don't know what...

You can't be blase... You haven't even signed the book...

My God, we're going to have a wedding!

Can I get a new outfit, then?

-Course you can, me darlin'.

-I mean, do we really need to...?

Oh, Sarah, we can have all the family there.

Aw, it'll be a dream come true!

Cheers, Dad.

You snooze, you lose.

HE CHUCKLES

And centrepieces!

You'll need good ones, not like Isabel's daughter.

She had goldfish in hers, but when everyone had had a drink,

-they started throwing them at each other.

-Big Keith stuffed one inside a profiterole and ate it.

For the wedding, Dad, I was thinking thigh-high boots and a fascinator.

Whatever you like, my love.

Well, that was a surprise.

Can you believe me dad? It was my idea to get married again, not his.

Your idea? Are you kidding me?

-What?

-I have just spent the whole day telling your mum

what a lovely, loyal bloke you are,

then you go and decide all this behind my back?

What is this, one of your Pearson family "big gestures"?

-What's me mam been saying, like?

-We need that money so we can pay off our debts and pay our rent.

Now you're blowing it on a wedding for a couple who are already married

-and who are now arguing!

-Are we arguing?

-Yes!

-The big telly'll cheer you up.

-What?!

-Don't worry, you're going to love it.

57-inch, surround sound, the lot.

Come on!

Wait! I only wanted to do it because I love you so much

and cos we can barely remember what happened in Vegas.

I just wanted to give you the day you deserve.

-Really?

-Yes, really.

Just...

When I see you walking down that aisle,

I'm going to be the happiest man in the world.

We can film it and watch it together

when we're old and grey, and/or bald.

Really?

Yes.

-It'll look great on the big telly.

-Oh.

MUSIC: "Out Of Space" by The Prodigy

Because I raised my kids

the right way, you see,

and you'll all die here alone!

-SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

-What is going on in here?

All right, pet? I thought I'd throw you a party,

get things livened up a bit, like. It's me big gesture.

A party? Look at them! They're off their tits.

-SLURRED: I can see the angels.

-Angels, yes.

-Well, you see, I thought...

-Did you?

I doubt that! You've got a head full of spanners, you, like.

This is a bloody mess!

The last time Mrs Patel got drunk, she tried to smother Mr MacMurphy,

and Winny did...

Well, Winny knows what she did, don't you, Winny?

ALL MURMUR AGREEMENT

ALL JEER

-Shit the bed, what's happening here, like?

-Bad Winny!

Oh, Vic, the brain machine's gone and got the inmates rat-arsed.

And I want the glass clown!

I don't want the owl cos I don't like owls!

Right. Don't worry, Denise. I can sort this in one phone call.

Hmm. It's legs eleven. Legs eleven.

-See, it turned out all right.

-All right for you.

This lot are going to have minging hangovers in the morning.

It'll be me sneaking in the Bloody Marys with their breakfast. Wipe that smug smile off your face.

Now bugger off,

-or they'll not be the only ones in this room with loose balls.

-Oh, howay...

Get out of me sight.

Pig in a bucket, 19. 19.

Right, I think that's us done.

Are you having the wedding at Swayzes, Jack?

Are you kidding?

No, we want a proper, no expenses spared, sit-down dinner,

not Siobhan's cold buffet with a grapefruit wrapped in foil.

I've pretty much got me outfit planned. I'll get that hat

out the wedding shop, the one I took back after Maureen's wedding.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Come on, let's get going.

Oh, Kevin, me agent.

Oh, listen to him, on first name terms with his agent.

Ringing on a Sunday.

I'm one of his main clients now so I get the extra attention.

-Aw, lovely.

-Aye, aye, captain!

Have I seen the papers?

I don't report the news any more, mate, I make it.

What?

I'm free! Free from the lot of you!

Free from Death Row!

Sorry.

ALL: oh!

Still here?

What's your next trick?

Putting cocaine in their cod liver oil?

There was a bottle of brandy left over, thought we could...?

SHE SCOFFS

ALL GIGGLE

Howay, then, seeing as you've swept us off me feet(!)

So what did your agent have to say, babes?

Yeah, babes, what did he say, babes?

It was just about the delivery date of the book.

Do they want it sooner?

Not exactly.

HE SIGHS

-Gazza's writing his own memoirs.

-What?

Yeah, apparently, he heard about my book

and then suddenly remembered his forgotten years.

So he's doing it himself. It's all over the Sunday papers.

Do they not want your book now?

-They don't need it.

-Do you still get the 30 grand?

No.

Never mind, son. At least you had the common sense

to hang on to your job at the newspaper.

Thing is, I sort of...

didn't have that common sense.

What?

I had the deal of a lifetime sitting in front of us.

I didn't think there was any point in sticking with a job I hated,

so I put the phone down to me agent

and I told everyone in that office what I thought of them.

Always best to get things out in the open.

-Not now, Dot.

-You just jacked your job in there and then?

-You should have heard the speech I gave, though.

-I did.

He did it again when he got home and then I had selected highlights on the drive up.

So the wedding's off, then.

Mam, I was just following me heart, like Dad always says.

Your dad's heart's knackered, so think on.

We've got nothing, Sarah.

I'm so sorry. I can't even pay the rent this month.

Come here, you stupid man.

Can we please hurry up, driver, because I've got the urge again.

The cowboys and the Indians, if you know what I mean.

So you've got no job, no money, nothing.

You're just like everyone else round here, aren't you?

I am not like the people round here.

Vicki, stop picking on him. Look, I know Jack's been an idiot,

and I know he shouldn't have left his job

before he had his contract signed.

But...?

But what?

Cheers(!)

Wait a minute, Jack. I think your mam's having one of her idea things.

I promise you, Sarah, I never intended to end up like this. DOOR OPENS

And here's some towels for you.

God, just think of all the money

you're going to save now you're living here with us.

It's really generous of you. It's just until we're back on our feet.

Of course, Sarah, love.

I keep thinking of all the odd jobs you can do around the house to earn your keep.

Right. Great.

As long as we get a bit of privacy.

Oh, I'll just get that posted.

And remember, thin walls, Jack!

-And a thick sister.

-I heard that!

Goodnight, God bless. Love youse.

Right, up at six and we'll get them gutters sorted.

There's a dead pigeon up there. I think the dead cat killed it. Night-night.

HE SIGHS

Well, we've died and gone to Hebburn,

and by which I mean hell.

It's Dot I feel sorry for.

I don't know why this lot are in a huff.

Dot knows what she did.

ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd