Welcome Home Hebburn

BIRDSONG

Wherefore my heart is glad and my spirit rejoices,

my flesh also shall rest in hope.

Thou shalt show me the path of life.

In Thy presence is the fullness of joy.

SHE SOBS It's so sad!

He would have loved this, your dad. Aye.

It's just a shame he can't be here

to see all these people that have turned out.

Come on, we should be celebrating life, not crying over it.

Poor Joe!

Poor Joe's had a stroke

and he's far too tired to go to Betty's flaming funeral.

Poor Joe's just about got enough energy to sit and nibble quietly...

..on a tiny sliver of qu-iche.

In the company of the delightful Mr Kyle. 'BOOING'

And that concludes the service.

And now I'll leave you all to remember Betty in your own way.

# Goodbye, my lover

# Goodbye, my friend! #

Gervaise, not now man! Leave him.

Betty wouldn't have minded him singing. See?

Aye, she was stone deaf at the end.

Right, howay.

I've left your dad alone with a buffet

and just before I left I saw him drooling over me quiche.

SARAH SOBS I don't even know why you're crying, Sarah, you didn't even know Betty.

I'm so sorry, it's this bloody pregnancy!

Lots of things are just moving me to tears at the moment.

Including pop songs, pigeons with one foot missing

and, best of all, MasterChef.

Oh, but, Jack, he really wanted that souffle to rise!

It's so terrible when something builds up so promisingly

and then collapses into disappointment!

Are we talking about my 20s?

Pregnancy can be hard. I remember when I was pregnant with you, Jack.

I ate my own body weight in Arctic roll.

How's Denise holding up? I don't think she's noticed any difference.

And where do you think you're going, Ramsey?

Again?

You asked us to move in.

You've got to give Mama what she needs.

Fine. But before we crack on, I've got to ask you,

Denise Chantelle Rutherford, would you do me the honour...?

Oh, my God! You know how to spoil the mood, don't you? No!

How many times do I have to tell you, man?! No!

Ohh!

You all right, Dad?

He's fine. Hutchy, pop to the shops and get him a Lucozade.

We need to keep his energy levels up.

Might need some Savlon, as well, please, son.

Nae bother. And a Peperami.

Not again, Denise.

What? I'm hungry this time.

TV PLAYS SOFTLY

Oh, Joe!

TV OFF

Were you sleeping, pet?

SHE LAUGHS

No, I just thought I saw something on the inside of me eyelids.

Right, who's hungry? We've got a hostess trolley full of dreams here.

Help yourself, flower.

And for the album cover, I thought I could be lying next to a wolf,

drinking whisky from a rose. Oh!

Sounds good.

Maybe you could be eating Maltesers out of a human skull.

THEY LAUGH

You all right? Stopped crying?

Oh, you're not eating another one, are you?! Denise put me on to them.

Euch!

Look, I wanted to say, I'm sorry for being so emotional.

Hey, today it's a godsend.

The mood swings, the tiredness, the crying -

they'll all help get us out of that wake.

It's like you're finally using your powers for good instead of evil.

Yes, she was my best friend, was Betty.

And I'm...I'm coping, but barely.

What are you crying for, Vicki?

She's all alone!

Don't be so daft, she's got us, hasn't she?

On the end of a phone, every time she thinks

one of the nurses at the home is stealing off her

Things go missing! Like me good teeth.

Oh, I searched for them everywhere, you know. Did you?

Guess where they'd hidden them? I don't know.

In me purse. SHE GASPS

You know, when I picked her up,

she had 12 different people's pension books on her.

I don't claim the money, you know... SHE LAUGHS

..I just enjoy the thrill of the snatch.

Er...no, thank you, Joe.

I'm just saying, now I know I can use your pregnancy

to get out of things, I don't mind putting up with the other stuff.

Well, it's very decent of you to put up with me!

Oh, I can feel a mood swing coming on.

Don't worry, you're not in control of it,

it's your hormones messing with your brain

OK. Instead of looking for ways to tolerate your wife,

maybe you could spend more time looking for a place for us to live,

so that we can get out of your parents' house!

VICKI: You tell him, Sarah. All full of himself

just cos he's the editor of the local newspaper.

Well, here's a headline for you, Jack -

"Thin walls reveal local man's bedroom inadequacies."

What?! Vicki, that was once! And he's been under a lot of stress!

TOILET FLUSHES Hey, dude, don't worry about it.

Anyone feeling less comfortable than me? Anyone?!

It's even happened to me. Once.

All you've got to do is stand on your head

and let gravity work her sweet magic.

I love you.

And I love you loving me.

Your mam's on fire. Eh?

Not literally...unfortunately.

Are you all right, Joe?

I'm just fading a bit.

Remember what the doctor said -

you're going to have these little bouts of tiredness.

Oh...

Why don't you give your ball a squeeze?

I'm trying, Pauline, but nowt.

That's why it's called a rehabilitation ball,

because you're rehabilitating, flower. You just try and rest, Joe.

But we've got a house full of people, Pauline.

I cannae just go and have a lie down...with a nice cup of tea...

and a reasonably-sized slice of cake, can I?

No. You're right.

Am I? Yes.

But...

maybes go up, just for now. Just to be on the safe side, eh?

And I'll bring you up some cake. A reasonably-sized slice, you said?

Aye, but I don't want you to think...

Joe, when it comes to you, I gave up thinking a long time ago.

Yes! We did it, son!

We've almost paid off our debts, we can think about renting somewhere

as soon as I've got me credit rating lower than a one-man recession.

OK but, please, soon. I'm beginning to crawl up the walls.

And with walls this thin that could be dangerous.

PAULINE: Jack!

Come and help us with this Black Forest gateaux!

This lot are like locusts with Zimmer frames.

Erm...Sarah's not feeling well!

Aw, never mind. Sorry, pet.

I love you being pregnant.

Well, maybe we could hide up here all afternoon

and, you know...

I mean, it's just not the once that you haven't risen to the occasion.

I'm sorry, it's work, it's getting us down.

Well, maybe I could help to get you back up.

PHONE RINGS HE GROANS

Just ignore it. We're trying to have sex at a wake,

I don't think a ringing phone is going to make it any weirder.

HE SIGHS It's David from thee office.

I'll have to see what he wants.

If I leave it to him, the front page will read,

"Editor refuses to answer phone - Presumed dead."

Hello, David, what's up?

Boss, you'd better get in sharpish like. There's a big story.

Is there?! How big exactly?

'I should go, I had to stop the presses.

'Now Ian's got his hand stuck in a machine!'

Actually, that'd make quite a good story, wouldn't it?

Ian! Stay put, man! I'll fetch the camera.

Listen, I best go, boss. Bye!

HE GROANS

Sorry, babe, they've stopped the presses.

And Ian's got his hand caught in the machine...again.

Ian Three-fingers?

Well, yeah, but that nickname's going to be up for grabs shortly.

Unfortunately, not by Ian. Bye.

I've worked here five years, I've never stopped the presses.

The power, man, it's intoxicating!

I mean, you can see how it went to Hitler's head.

This is going to put us behind on me deliveries. I can't be late.

Denise said she's got something special in mind for us tonight.

Said I should go down the pub, get meself numbed up.

Right, fear not, news monkeys, Daddy's here!

Howay then, what's up?

Denise is going through a bit of a spicy-sausage phase at the minute.

She gets us to sort of stand like this...

No, not with that, man! With the papers!

Why aren't we printing anything? David?

Sorry, boss, it's a big story, I didn't know what to do.

What big story? Idiot stops presses? What's this big news?

They're closing the glue factory.

Oh, for f...!

You could say, er, they've come unstuck.

BOTH LAUGH

Boom! THEY LAUGH

You've stopped the presses because a factory's closing down? Aye.

What was last week's headline? Er...

"Factory closes."

And the week before?

Aye, "Factory closes."

And the week before that? Ah.

Er...

"Dog...

"burns down factory."

HE SIGHS

And Pauline's working these days, as well.

I'm an estate agent. She's a trainee estate agent.

I think to actually be an estate agent

you have to have sold an actual house.

Don't you, Pauline? Or am I mistaken?

Dot's right, I haven't quite hit me sales target this month.

Oh, targets, is it now? SHE CHUCKLES

Have they got guns at this office?

No, but if we had I would have brought one home a long time ago.

Anyway, I'm working on some exciting leads at the minute.

They've a bell in your office that they ring

when somebody sells something, don't they, Pauline?

The sales bell, yeah.

But I gather Pauline's only heard the bell.

She's not actually rung it herself, have you, flower?

No, but I'm sure it won't be long,

what with the loving support network I have in me own home.

There it is, you see?

That attitude I was telling yous about.

And at me best friend's wake, as well.

Just heartless.

I'll have one of them cakes with the little grave on, Pauline.

Well, thank you for coming in, Mr McClusky. Stuart. No bother.

When I rang, they said you didn't go out for stories any more,

so I'd best come in.

It's raining.

Sorry, Stuart, that's not the OFFICIAL policy.

Look, I don't know what it is you think we can do here?

Three generations of McCluskys has worked at that factory.

I know, it's a shame, like.

Nobody wants glue any more.

Aye, he's not wrong. Even my young un's given it up.

I didn't even want to run it, I just sort of fell into it,

and before you know it I'm trapped in Hebburn

with all these people depending on me.

I know how you feel, mate.

I mean, I tried to branch out to make more of meself.

Preaching to the choir.

Is there nothing you can do?

Look...we're just one local paper.

Nobody cares! Nobody! HE SOBS

Oh, come on, mate, don't cry.

Er... David, do something!

Of course.

Can you turn this way and try and cry to camera?

Nice big tears now...

STUART SOBS Magic!

LL SING: # It's no, nay, never

# No, nay, never no more

# And I'll play the wild rover

# No, never no more! # Oh, God, no!

SINGING CONTINUES

Oh, hiya, Denise, flower.

Pauline, man. I'm meant to be taking this lot back to the home.

You cannot let them start singing.

I'll not shift 'em once they get going!

They're like musical bloody limpets!

Denise, I don't know what to do, the solicitor's coming in half an hour to read the will.

Oh. Is he now?

# Well, I'll play the wild rover... #

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Right! First things first.

You, bargain-basement Buble, out.

Denise... Now!

Yep.

Right, the rest of you, that's enough warbling.

Yous can stop now.

Oh, but we will not!

This is Betty's do and we're sending her off properly.

That's the trouble with the young, isn't it?

They've no interest in what's right and proper.

Well, the solicitor's coming over in half an hour to read the will,

so yous'll all find out what you're getting your arthritic little claws on.

That got your right and proper interest, has it?

Ooh! A will reading!

Do you know, I knew when I got up this morning

it was going to be a good day!

Right, let's cut to the good stuff.

ALL: # Amazing grace

HOOVER WHINES # How sweet the sound

# That saved a wretch like me #

Um...what's that interesting noise?

Song of the dead?

I mean, I'm trying to study and it's quite distracting.

I wouldn't mind, but it hasn't been amazing or graceful.

You want to think yourself lucky, I used to be able to escape down the pub before I was trapped in here

with me knackered arm, me tiredness and none of me promised cake.

I'm sorry, I'm just...I'm quite emotional at the moment.

Erm...I know I should be thinking of others

and this is really selfish of me.

And now I'm crying cos I'm crying!

Maybe I could...tell you a joke?

SHE SOBS

Your jokes are awful.

And now I feel really sad

because none of the others have ever told you!

Do you half a hug with me one good arm.

SHE LAUGHS

Sarah? What do you think you're doing, hugging my dad?

Get your own Dad if you want hugging.

I'm just trying to cheer her up.

You cannae be tiring him out with excess hugging.

He's not a well man. Come on, let's get you to bed.

You should be trying to squeeze your rehabilitation ball,

not be standing here letting Sarah upset you.

I wasn't upsetting him! It's just... We just want some peace and quiet.

I've got all my PhD stuff to do and your dad wanted to have a nap.

It's just impossible with all that racket

coming from the old Spice Girls!

Right, well, you can come with me and Gervaise to the pub.

It'll be dead down there, anyway.

You'll get loads done. Howay.

JUKEBOX PLAYS QUIETLY

# Never!

# Forget where you're coming from

# Never!

# Pretend that it's all real... #

It's three o'clock.

So? Why is he singing at three o'clock?

They let him rehearse in the afternoon,

otherwise he sings them at night without the proper preparation

and all of the older customers have to turn their hearing aids off.

Which the stupid fire officer reckons turns them into a fire risk.

Well, I might as well go home then.

Oh, howay man, Sarah, you can do your work here.

I'll help you, man.

I'm not sure.

Well, how hard can it be?

You're doing psychology.

Well, it's not exactly brain surgery.

Is it?

Um, well, I am designing a new questionnaire for the field study.

Right, well, just question me.

Although I've got no experience in a field.

Denise is the one you want to ask about that.

I like the fresh air, you see, Pauline. Good for the baby.

Aye, I suppose. You seem to be coping well with the pregnancy mind, flower.

Hmm. It's not that bad, but it's got us ravenous,

in more ways than one, if you know what I mean. SHE LAUGHS

Lovely.

Do you want some of this cake, Pauline? It's lush, like.

Oh, just a bijou bit for me, petal. Eh?

Bijou. It's one of me estate agent words.

I think it means proper tiny.

"A bijou apartment with commanding views"

is what we say for a bedsit overlooking a car park.

How's it going, anyway, being back at work?

I think I like it, but I'm having trouble making a sale.

But it's nice to be the breadwinner -

or in this case cake-winner - for a change, you know.

I know what you mean. I love working at the old folks home. Uh-huh.

It's nice, you know, having people to talk to.

Even if they can't quite hear what you say.

When are you going to start your maternity leave? Dunno.

Think I'll probably keep going till there's an arm hanging out of us.

Right, I'm off. Get these delivered.

The newspapers that don't have the story

that could help keep the factory open.

Are you still going on about this?! I told you, it's a lost cause.

Jack, I'm a lost cause. This is something you could do summat about, summat for your community!

I am doing something - keeping you employed

so you don't go back to climbing through the community's windows when they're out.

Fine. I'm off.

Fly safe, Hermes. Take our words to the mortals.

I'm not Hermes, I've got a girlfriend!

He's right, he has.

Right, I'll see you at the pub then, I suppose.

I doubt it! Sarah's not too keen on us drinking when she...

PHONE RINGS

Speak of the angel.

Hello, sweetheart, what's up?

'I'm in the pub.' She's in the pub!

Do you want me to stop the presses again?

Yes, Jack, I'm in Swayzes, and we need to talk.

I can't get any work done at your mum's, I can't get any peace here...

I think it's time we had our own place!

'What we need is a solid, well-thought-out plan

'of how we're going to do this.'

And the pub is the perfect place to make such a plan.

I'll be there in a minute. Love ya!

SHE SIGHS

Well, at the risk of losing my Parent of the Year award,

I'm off to meet my pregnant wife in the pub.

So, this questionnaire is on identity.

How women define themselves within the relationship.

Right.

I'm defined as "the girlfriend".

No...

Here we go.

Question one. What are your common goals as a couple?

We're not common, Sarah.

Gervaise is a highly sought-after artiste and I'm his girlfriend.

That's hardly common.

I don't think this is going to work.

Please, pet. I promise I'll get them all right.

It's not a case of getting them right. How it works is...

Excuse me, but this isn't the first questionnaire I've done.

I did one in Cosmo the other week

and I found out that I'm sexy and not slutty, actually.

Despite what the stuff in the gents toilets might say.

"..being of sound mind and disposing memory

"and not acting under duress..."

Yes, yes! Come on, son, get to the meat of it.

He's acting like I've never heard a will read.

Who gets what, and when, and how much?

Man alive! The grief's taking it's toll on you, Mum.

Hey, I'll grieve for Betty when her affairs are in order.

Hopefully, with a set of silver EastEnders teaspoons.

You'll have to excuse my mother-in-law,

she isn't really aware of the importance of a legal document.

In my line of work, I have to be very au fait with it, though.

Oh, do you work in law, as well? I'm an estate agent.

One who's yet to sell a house.

You're like a serial killer, Pauline, but one who's yet to kill.

I know where I'd start. HE LAUGHS

Anyway, how do you know you'll get anything at all?

She might have left it all to charity.

No, no, Betty hated charity.

She was a very cruel woman, was Betty.

Admirably so.

Hmm. Yes, there's no mention in here of charity.

Apparently, the EastEnders teaspoon collection goes to a...

Winny Thompson?

Winny?!

After what she did, she should be getting nowt!

Oh, this is typical of Betty!

You think you've got a best friend,

but I always knew.

I KNEW inside that she was a wrong 'un.

"And to my dearest Dot Pearson,

"the best friend a person could ever have...

"I leave all my other worldly goods, including my house."

Shit the bed.

He sings us lullabies down the phone when I'm going to sleep.

When I said, "How does he help you achieve your dreams?"

what I meant was, erm...

Was...

Look, is there nothing you've ever really wanted to do?

I want to get a sunbed.

Anything else?

I need to meet Cheryl.

Oh, look...

Anything you want to achieve just for you?

Something you've never told anyone else?

Well, there is...one thing. Go on.

I've always fancied having a go at that poetry.

Really?

Like Wordsworth or Emily Dickinson?

No, man, like the people that write the ones

in the cards in the florists.

I really want to write the little poems that go in them.

But it's just a daft little wish, isn't it?

No, it's not! All right, man, calm down!

Sorry, hormones. Look, there's nothing in this world

that you can't do, Vicki, you just have to try!

Look, man, it's not for me.

Listen, Gervaise says it's dead hard to write lyrics and stuff.

I mean, I've read some of his and they're awful...

and he's really good at it.

Hello, ladies.

Just resting my vocal cords.

I'm going to do the future classics section in a minute.

Might start with that new one I wrote a few days ago.

SHE GASPS Lush Cuddle? Yeah, Lush Cuddle.

So, what are you ladies talking about? Nothing.

We were just talking about how Vicki can do anything she wants.

Anything at all.

Course you can, baby.

But as long as it's not on a Tuesday or Thursday afternoon, yeah?

She does my fake tan then,

and at this stage in my career I can't risk having an uneven coat.

He's right, he can't be streaky.

Can't he?

Pint of lager please, love.

WOMAN: Coming right up, Mr Murdoch.

HE SIGHS

Right, howay then, let's do this detailed plan.

I've had enough of this attitude, Jack!

You need to pick your head up and sort yourself out!

Don't worry, it's just the hormones. No, it's not!!

Well, yes, maybe it is, but the point still stands!

You need to get it through your head you can't just flop around

feeling sorry for yourself, because that doesn't help us!

We need a house!

Understood.

I think I need a whisky chaser.

Yous need to get rid of this house, like. Why's that, flower?

Well, if the council find out she's got property,

they'll take it off her to pay for her bills at the old folks home.

Well, we're not buying it.

I've already got one house I can't afford,

I'm not going bankrupt in two places at once.

I know money's tight.

I could try and sell it through the estate agent?

SHE LAUGHS I don't think I've got that long left, Pauline.

Could Jack not buy it?

SHE LAUGHS No chance!

He's got debt that would make a Greek finance minister blush.

Can she not just give it away?

Nah. They'll find out and they'll want the money

or they'll kick her out.

This isn't some disorganised bunch of amateurs you're talking about -

this is the local council.

Factory set to close! Local paper does nowt about it!

Editor can't be arsed! All right, man, all right.

I haven't finished getting a bollocking from my wife yet,

but if you want to join the queue I've got a testicle going spare.

So that's that, is it? Jack, sometimes in life you have to say,

"I'm going to fix this and I will not be distracted."

Are you coming home or not? I've got the urge.

You can always be replaced with something that takes batteries.

Right, I'm off. Here's your papers, Big Keith, Ian Three Fingers...

Sorry, mate, I forgot. I've got to go, I'm on a promise.

Very disappointed.

HE SIGHS

Even Ramsey has a better life than us, and you know why?

Because he is motivated.

Motiv...?! What, by Denise

and whatever she does with that spicy sausage?! Eurgh!

Jack, where are you?

I'm here, with you.

Letting you down again.

No, where's my Jack? The Jack I fell in love with? Where's he?

The Jack who would pick me a flower

just cos he thought it would make me smile?

I'm sorry, love, Jack's been asleep for quite some time.

SHE SIGHS

Wha...! The baby! It kicked!

It kicked us in the face! I felt it, too!

Hold on, I'll see if it does it again. OK.

Hello? You in there?

It got us in the eye that time! It's definitely a Geordie then.

This is amazing! So is the old Jack awake now? Too right he is!

You've got a little kicky person inside you

and it's going to fall out and I'm going to be its dad!

And I'm going to be a better husband.

Vicki, get some earplugs tonight - the thin walls are going to shake.

Vicki, remember, you can do whatever you want.

That might help.

What's she on about? Nothing.

So, go on then, tell us about your album cover again.

A panther, with handlebars, and I'm astride it.

And it's on fire.

Lush.

I could sell that house for you if I wanted, you know.

Of course you could.

Even a rock turns to sand, given enough time.

Don't be like that! Like what?

Like you! All passive-agressivey.

You're like a jellyfish, you, sometimes, just waiting to sting.

Oh, I think you've misread my affection for you, Pauline. PAULINE LAUGHS

That's your biggest fault. That and your impatience.

Whatever. I'm glad I'm not selling your stupid house, anyway.

The way houses are selling at the minute,

you'd probably get way below what it's worth

and then you'd be in your element, wouldn't you?

I'd never hear the end of it.

Really? How much below? Dot, we're in a recession.

You could probably pick up a house for the change in your purse.

That and your growing collection of other people's pension books.

Pauline, I never thought I'd hear meself saying this,

but that is a brilliant idea.

What is? There's that impatience rearing its ugly head again.

Never mind, pet, you'll find out in the morning.

ENGINE STARTS

And if you could just sign...here.

This is madness! And we just need the exchange of funds.

Gran, this is so generous of you. I can't believe me and Sarah have got our own house.

Oh, of course, I nearly forgot the co-owner.

Half a house! I've got half a house!

Gran, can we not just...? It's only fair you share with your sister.

Now count your blessings. Right, well, I think we're done here.

BELL Whoo!

SHE LAUGHS

Local paper gets it's arse into gear!

Starts campaign to save factory!

Oh?

And who did this?

The same bloke who's going to pick his wife a flower

just to make her smile.

Oh! Aww!

Right, I cannae waste time with yous lot, I've got stuff to do.

Aye, what's so pressing, like?

Well, I've been reading that leaflet that Sarah give us for the college.

I'm going to enrol!

There's a whole world out there,

and I'm going to learn the shite out of it.

Ta-ra!

See you, pet.

Is Pauline in?

No, she's at work.

That's probably for the best. Why?

Seems somebody couldn't keep their mouth shut at the home, could they?

About giving a house away for two quid to her grandchildren.

Someone grassed us up!

I think it was Winny - she wasn't happy with just those teaspoons.

They've kicked us out, Joe.

But I said it would be all right,

because now that Jack and Sarah have gone,

well, you've room here for your little old mam, haven't you?

# Welcome home

# Welcome

# Come on in

# And close the door

# You've been gone too long

# Welcome

# You're home once more. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd