Easy Tiger Hebburn

RETCHING AND COUGHING

You know, nothing makes my tea and toast go down better than

the soft, gentle sound of morning sickness in the background.

Sorry.

It's probably not the pregnancy making you ill.

-Might be this wallpaper.

-Yeah. I know.

I mean, I'm glad your gran just gave us somewhere to live

but I do feel like I'm living in a Miss Marple theme park.

Tell you what, to cheer you up, why don't we get this room decorated?

-We can't get any skinter.

-Let's do the nursery!

Howay, man, Preggers, we've got five month before the baby comes.

Let's decorate a room we use like the living room or the bedroom.

Please, Jack.

How about, we do out this room, then as soon as I can get

an advance on one of my book ideas we'll nursery until it hurts?

It might take ages to get an advance, if it happens at all!

That's what we need - positive thoughts(!) Don't do the face.

Not the face. Please. Not the...

Ugh, OK. We'll unnecessarily decorate the nursery.

Right, I've got to go. Got to take me dad for his check up.

You haven't brushed your teeth, have you?

No.

Bye.

Mind! That's my collection of glass swans and glass Pierrots!

And me glasses!

Sorry, Gran.

Honestly, at this rate, Dot'll have moved in

and there won't be a single trace of her ornaments.

Still, can't be helped!

Morning, girls! Here's your paper, Pauline!

You'll be having to drop mine off here now, Ramsey.

I'm living with Joe and Pauline.

-Just for a little while.

-Until I die.

Now, listen, while we're here,

I want to take everything at a nice, slow, gentle pace.

Yeah, of course.

Otherwise I'll be home before your gran's finished moving her stuff in

and you know what your mam's like when people start changing things in the house.

I remember when I put that Jordan poster up, she went mental.

Oh, I'll never forget that poster.

Oi! Stop thinking about Jordan and concentrate on the task in hand.

I wasn't thinking about her hands.

Right then, let's have a look at the scores on the doors.

This all looks fine,

although there's a bit of acceleration towards the end.

He was thinking about Jordan.

Lovely country, apparently. Never been meself.

Well, everything's within acceptable parameters, so we're cushty.

Now, we're here for your post-stroke assessment.

Hooray(!)

Oi! Pay attention! Mam couldn't take you having another stroke.

I brought you here because your mam would have fussed too much.

I should have come on me own.

On your own? Driving and changing gears?

Kermit's got stronger arms than that.

Now, come on. Vicki needs to get to college.

I'm bettering myself.

I've only been there for a week and I already feel bettered.

Mam? Do you think that I look bettered?

Totally, flower. Now come on, I need to get to work.

Houses don't just sell themselves.

Well, some do but not the ones on my books.

Oh, and we've got the man coming round later to

put in your stairlift.

(So Dot can get up to her new lair.)

Hello, Dorothy. Moving in?

That should bring a bit of sunshine to our street.

Arthur, can we interest you in adopting this

increasingly endangered creature?

Oh, I reckon Dorothy's got a year or two left yet!

You can't do that, Pauline.

Tigger will improve the look of your place.

Listen to me! OUR place.

Unfortunately, my theme for ornaments is anything but ceramic predators.

I'll look after him for you, Dorothy.

Right.

Maybe you could come and visit us some afternoon?

I do a mean scone if your teeth are up to it?

What do I need a man for? I've already had two.

The second one was a bastard

and the first didn't even have that going for him.

Enjoy!

Look, I'm knackered.

I know I'm knackered, you know I'm knackered

and candy-floss-head here knows I'm knackered,

so can I just have my pills and I'll be on me way?

Now, Joe, if your quality of life is going to improve,

what we need to do is set you some goals.

-Oh, good(!) Goals.

-Great. I'll make a list.

A list as well!

Are you sure your mother hasn't got you on remote control?

Just a few things to strive towards.

For instance, what are you missing most since the stroke?

Pub.

Dad, be serious.

That's fine. Let's make that a goal. Joe is allowed to go to the pub.

And that's a goal, is it? Bloody hell. Let's go for a hat-trick then.

As long as you walk there yourself.

What? I can't even crawl up to the top of the bloody stairs in one go,

I have to stop halfway and set up a base camp.

So, let's make that your first goal. Getting upstairs in one go.

And another long-term goal could be being able to drive again.

Nice one.

So eventually I'll be able to drive to the pub, get lashed,

drive back home and crawl up the stairs into bed.

Don't worry.

We'll get it all fixed up for you.

PHONE RINGS

-Hi.

-Do you realise how lucky you are to have such a kind

-and brilliant husband?

-All right, smartarse,

what minor triumph are you rolling around in now?

If you want a decorated nursery, then a decorated nursery you

shall have, my incontinent blonde-haired angel.

Really? Are we going to do this, Jack? Are we?

Yes. Because, luckily, I have hired the best decorator

-in all of Hebburn.

-Wow. Can we afford him?

Yes. Because, luckily, he also happens to be the cheapest decorator

in all of Hebburn.

-DOOR BELL

-That'll be him now.

All right, pet?

If you would do me the considerable honour of being my wife.

Well, I'm not that way inclined myself, like,

but, if I was Denise, I can't see how she could possibly say no.

Ramsey, you're not still practising proposing, are you?

How many times are you asking her?

Jack, I'm in love. That's what love is.

You find someone who lights up your soul,

then you grind them down until they give in.

Can we get back to work, please,

before you're engaged to every single member of staff?

David, any calls?

Nowt. But you know what they say, no news is good news.

Not for a newspaper!

We did get an e-mail from one of the publishers

we sent your book ideas to.

What did he say? This should be good.

He didn't say, "Good." He definitely didn't say, "Good."

But he did say, "Thanks for trying."

God loves a trier, mate.

Aye, but God doesn't publish books, does he, mate?

Er, I think you'll find he published the Bible.

Aye. And that's a best seller.

-One-nil?

-One-nil.

One-nil.

Are you all right, pet?

No!

I've just walked from the kerb to the front door

and I need an oxygen mask!

So what did the doctor say?

He's set me some goals for me recovery.

Oh, goals. That's what they give you when you're near the end.

They told Moira Carson to walk a mile every day after

she'd had her new hip put in.

And that killed her.

What, by just walking?

No. Run over by an ambulance.

Very ironic. But then, her family always were.

Her son was dyslexic. He was hit by a mobile library.

And if we go through here, you'll see

another similar but slightly smaller room.

Hm.

And, as you can see, there's loads of potential for...remodelling,

as well as redecorating potential, refurnishing potential...

In fact, potential is the thing I would say it has the most of.

I can't argue with you there, Pauline.

You've said in your brochure it's characterful and charming

but I'm sort of feeling it's more...dilapidated and broken down.

Bit like my Joe, eh, Doctor?

Your Joe'll outlive us both, Pauline.

But I'm not sure I can say the same about this place.

Only me!

Here she is, the girl who never knocks.

I let meself in. Save yous getting up.

Always thinking of others(!)

I brought the last of your things from the old folks' home, Dot.

Mostly it's stuff we confiscated from you when you were there.

Ooh! Let's a have a look and see what we've got.

Pills.

Me racy books.

Oh! And me cosh!

Hey, did you find her soul in there?

Just ignore Joe. He's coming to terms with his mortality.

Can I just have a sit down?

I'm coming to terms with me swollen ankles.

Me Uggs are pinching like shih-tzus.

You know, I suffered terribly with my ankles

when I was carrying Joe. I was bedridden.

I could hardly move.

Although he never thanked me for me hardship.

Well, I'm just glad I've got a few months before I've got to

start getting everything ready.

Hey, our Jack and Sarah are decorating their nursery today.

-Are they?

-You should do the same, Denise!

You'll be a right mess by the time the baby comes.

You'll not be able to do nowt!

-Won't I?

-No, flower.

You'll have to leave everything to your other half.

-Right, I'm off!

-Going so soon?

Aye, I've got to get a nursery sorted.

If I leave it to Ramsey, me baby'll have a bloody rattle

-made out of empty lager tins.

-THEY LAUGH

HE MOUTHS

-Hi, Pauline.

-Hiya.

-Ah, Pauline!

-Ralph.

I didn't hear you come in.

By which I mean I didn't hear the sales bell ringing.

Which is what usually happens when I come in.

I'm an estate agent, not a leper.

Well, on the evidence of the sales sheet, you're not one

but you could certainly be the other. Eh?

HE LAUGHS

You should meet my mother-in-law. You've got a lot in common.

Has she sold two houses and a flat this week, as well?

No, but she's deeply unpleasant as well.

PHONE RINGS: "Price Tag" by Jessie J

Ah, Mrs Bradley.

Really? Well, smart decision.

Yeah. OK, I'll let them know.

Talk to you later. Bye-bye.

Boom!

And THAT is the one that's going to pay for my alloy wheels, people!

Gangnam Style!

If you please.

There you go, chief.

The Stairmaster 2000, all ready to go.

Congratulations. You're upwardly mobile.

Whoa! This isn't for me!

I can leap up them stairs in one bound, me.

Given enough warning.

It's for me, flower.

And I think I'd like to test-drive it up to the lavvy.

The barbarians are at the gates, if you know what I mean.

You can lift me onto the seat if you like. Hm?

Instructions. Bye.

See you.

Well, don't look at me.

Hello, folks. Sorry for barging in. The door was open.

Oh, we can't be having guests round.

We're rushed off our feet this afternoon.

We're getting ready for a test-flight,

then I'm launching a couple of satellites.

Ignore her, Arthur. She's in one of her moods.

I think this one started about 1973.

You haven't got far with your boxes.

Can I give you a hand, Dorothy?

We can manage perfectly well without your wandering hands all over me

knick-knacks, thank you. Now, on your way.

Are you sure?

I thought what with Joe having a stroke and all you might want...

-Goodbye, Arthur.

-Right-o.

What did you do that for?

He would've lifted all them boxes up the top of the stairs for us.

He could've been your love slave.

No, thank you. I know his type. They're only ever after one thing.

And I do not want to see him

picking my support stockings out of his teeth.

Oh, Mam!

Everything...all right?

-Aye, just stopping for a bit of bait.

-Oh!

Would you care for a meat pie? I've got some more in the fridge.

I'm sort of craving ground-up meat at the minute.

Aye, meat, emulsifiers, corn starch and reconstituted parts.

It's like a party in your mouth

but all the guests have just got out of prison.

Well, I find that horseradish really helps the taste.

Horseradish? Interesting.

Have you considered mixing a bit of brown sauce

with a blob of mustard?

Ooh! That could work.

Amazing! What else would you recommend?

Would you like to try my speciality?

Tuna pasta tandoori Wellington Kiev.

So, at college, they said

I can change me course in the second semester.

Brilliant, yeah. Pass us that screwdriver, will you?

I've got some stubborn gum under this table.

I mean, I'm just in the first semester now, but I'm loving it.

I feel like I was born to be in a semester.

Do you know what I mean?

Aye. Well, I certainly wasn't born to do this.

I bet Robbie Williams

doesn't have to clean the bogs at the O2 before his gigs.

Yep, nicotine replacement gum.

Always the hardest to get off. I better go fire up the steamer.

That's all right. I'll just sit here and reread me prospectus.

Do you need a hand?

No, I think I made it. Cheers(!)

Where've you been, like?

IKEA in Gateshead, haven't I?

Shuffling around the maze of dreams with the rest of the winners.

I've been starting me new life by doing me orientation at college.

Oh, have you? I wish I'd known(!)

You did, man, Denise. I texted you...

and tweeted and Facebooked.

I know. I seen it.

You even gave yourself a like for it.

That's cos there wasn't a button for love. "Vicky Pearson loves this."

-That's what it would have said.

-Went well then, did it?

Well, I was talking to Lindsay. Lindsay's me BFF at college...

Hang on. I thought I was your BFF.

You're me BFF in Hebburn.

Well, what if this Lindsay comes to Hebburn?

Will you be telling me to BFF off?

Denise. That would never happen. Lindsay would never come here.

Is that right?

Hey, fancy coming round mine tonight,

help us get this cot put up?

Then we'll get the jim-jams on, Jackie Chan double-bill,

two and a half pizzas each?

No, ta, pet. I've got to get all me file dividers sorted

and work out me wardrobe for the week.

Lindsay reckons I need to dress

more like an academic instead of a florist.

-But you are a florist.

-No, Denise. I WAS a florist.

Now I'm an academic in florist's clothing.

Good to see you're moving up in the world.

I didn't even need tea lights.

Do you think a semester knows it's a semester?

Right, boss, I'd better get these delivered.

Then, my friends, it's proposal o'clock.

Doing it full-bore this time.

Stripped to the waist with a rose between me teeth.

No, man. Women don't like all that macho crap.

You've got to be classy, man.

Sweep her off her feet and be a little bit stylish with it.

You're right. The rose is too much, isn't it?

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Hebburn Advertiser.

Hang on, I'll see if he's in. Jack, are you in?

Well, now they know that I am, I suppose I'd better be.

Putting you through.

Hello. Jack Pearson.

Jack, hi. Bob Muirfield, Fandale Publishing.

-Hi, Bob. Great to hear from you.

-Yeah, whatever.

Look, I've just finished reading your sample chapters.

Very interesting.

Really? Thanks, Bob.

No-one's really told the story

of a pregnancy from the man's point of view.

And in diary form as well. Really fascinating stuff!

Eh? But.. No. I sent you the book

about the monkey that got hanged in Hartlepool but

if it'd lived and learned to read and become a civil rights activist.

Oh, that? That was awful. We like the second one.

What is it? Jack's Journal.

You sent him my journal?!

You said to send him everything in the documents folder.

'I particularly like the bit about,

'"She changes her mood more often than the TV channel."'

Er...cheers!

'Now, we've only got the first four months here, Jack.'

When do you reckon you can get the rest to us?

In about five months? I'm sort of writing it in real-time.

Love it!

Look, the advance won't be huge, but I want in now.

So have we got a deal, Jack? Come on.

(Yes! Yes! Say yes!)

Erm...

-Yeah.

-Glorious! The characters really jump off the page.

Sarah? What a bitch! People are going to love reading about her!

Someone'll be in touch about contracts and stuff. Gotta go.

Talk to you later. Don't forget to write.

Ho-ho!

Jack, you've done it, man! A book deal!

You know, if I'd had that kind of news,

I'd take everyone down the pub and buy them a pint.

-Would you?

-Yeah.

What's wrong, boss?

Let me spell it out for you.

You have been instrumental in me getting a book deal...

-You're very welcome.

-..for a book about my pregnant wife.

A book in which I outline, to the world, her every fault!

A book that I can never tell her about!

Well, you know, just tell her it's about another lass called Sarah

-that you got pregnant.

-Problem solved.

-Two-nil?

-Oh, two-nil.

Two-nil.

You're right. It is unusual

for a house with that much damp to have fire damage.

OK. Well, thanks for your call, pet.

Oh, dear. Another epic fail?

Ralph, I think even you might struggle to sell a maisonette

that's above an abattoir.

If you were any good, you'd find a way.

Are you suggesting I talk people

into buying something they'll regret later?

I think you'll find that is in the job description.

I'm sorry, I can't stand the idea of people feeling

unhappy in their own home. How would I sleep at night?

-Do you want to know how I sleep at night, Pauline?

-No.

On a king-sized four-poster bed, in cotton-rich pyjamas.

And I drive to that bed in a Mazda MX-5.

All these things I got by talking people into buying houses

that don't really suit them.

Please, don't resign until I get back.

I'd hate to miss it when it happens.

Ta-ta!

I hope you crash your stupid Mazda thingy into your big, stupid bed.

Hello, Doctor. I didn't expect to see you here.

Is everything all right? Has Joe relapsed?

Joe's fine.

I was thinking about what you said

and that flat's just not right for me.

You didn't need to come in just to tell us I was right.

I mean, it's not right for me. But it does have potential.

I'll move back in with me mam while I renovate.

Could make a fortune when it's all fixed up.

Are you saying you're going to buy it?

I can pay you the deposit whenever you want.

SHE GIGGLES

Is there anything else I need to do?

You might need to put your fingers in your ears.

PHONE RINGS: "Price Tag" by Jessie J

CLANGING

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Who is it?

It's me, Sarah. Can I come in?

Eh...aye, but it's not quite finished, like.

RADIO PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC

Why aye.

Like I say, it's not finished.

I've still got to put the cherubs up and that, like.

How did you...? Why don't you...?

Oh, it's amazing!

Aye, cheers. It's just a hobby, like.

I mean, me main career's in the grave-digging.

But why? You're so good at it.

You've even got the rainbow ending

exactly where we're going to put the crib to create...

-BOTH:

-..a focal point in the room...

..like.

-Scotch egg?

-Belter.

-BOTH:

-Cheers!

Joe.

-I've sold a house!

-Hey!

-On me own!

To someone I'm not even related to!

Oh, well done, my angel.

See, I told you you could do it.

Oh! Isn't that graceful?

If you ask me, she looks like someone out of Thunderbirds.

It's like a slow version

of that thing that Cheryl uses to get on stage.

Except it's wheelchair-accessible!

Vicky, I've sold me first real house!

THEY SQUEAL

Congratulations!

Typical!

I'm mobile between two floors for the first time in ten years,

and Pauline steals me moment

because at last she's done the job they're paying her for.

And, to celebrate, I got us...

-..some champagne!

-Real French champagne?

No, Polish.

But the man in the shop said, with champagne,

what you're really paying for is the label...and the taste.

Right, who's going to celebrate with us?

Oh, I can't. I need a clear head

to get all my folders and me binders out

and see which boob tube looks most...academic.

A clear head? Hey, don't be going all teetotal on us.

The economy's in enough trouble as it is.

Dot? Polish fizz for you?

Not for me, Pauline. I'm a bit busy trying to inject

some of my personality into a rather dowdy box room.

There's only one injection I'd like to give.

-Lethal?

-Correct. Joe?

Can I have some?

In your condition? I'm afraid not.

No, you'll have to watch me drink it. You can open it for us.

What, with my one good arm?

Ah, well, you'll have to watch me open it. And drink it.

I think I'm going to get meself ever so delicately lashed.

Howay, man.

Are all Swedish people born with

a bloody degree in furniture building, or what?

Denise Chantelle Rutherford, would you do me the honour of...?

-Shut it!

-Yes, pet.

Are you all right?

I dunno. It's that bloody thing out there, isn't it?

Your mam? Tell me about it.

No, that stairlifty thing. It's for old people.

Well, yes, it is for your mam and, yes, she is old.

So, yes, it is for old people.

Look, you know I don't like to complain...

SHE SCOFFS

..but it is in my house.

"There he goes. Poor brave-but-tragic Joe.

"Used to be as strong as a teenage ox."

Listen, love, it's no more tragic than you being 55

and still living with your mam.

Hey, I don't live with her! She lives with me!

Oh. Trying to cheer us up. Well done.

-You're worth cheering up.

-I used to be.

Hecky Moses. Between you and your mam,

I wish we'd had an ejector seat installed.

The doctor wants me to focus on goals.

And the first is getting up the top of our stairs in one go.

Mind, you'll have to build up to it.

Start by walking up the first half

then for the last bit you can use the stairlift.

Eh, no, no. I'll be keeping hold of my dignity, thank you very much.

I'll crawl the last bit.

If crawling makes you happy, you crawl, pet.

That bloody scares the bejesus out of me.

Well, it'll add real value to the house in an uncertain market.

Eh?

Sarah! I'm back, pet!

And I'm not writing a secret book about you.

How did Big Keith get on with the nursery?

Why don't you go and take a look for yourself?

Still not sure why we need to do the nursery first.

You're only four months pregnant.

Isn't that a bit like painting the stable door

before we've even bought the horse?

Go and take a look at the bloody nursery

before you pass judgment on it!

Anger levels out of all proportion to stimuli.

She's like The Hulk in maternity pants.

Bloody hell! Is this Elton John's slipper cupboard?

Isn't it magical?

Aye, it'll be a sad day when we have to paint over that.

How's Thursday suit you?

What's he doing?!

Oh, he's had a big day, bless him. He's all tuckered out.

Let's just leave him, shall we?

Well, here I am, Stan.

My new home.

You know, I remember you saying to me,

"Life is like a banquet.

"Even though sometimes we think we might have bitten off

"more than we can chew."

Another time, you said, "Life is like a mountain

"and we can't even see the top."

You said, "We all have do what we can to make ends meet.

"And we should make sure we enjoy the special moments."

HE SOBS

You said something else as well but, to be honest,

by that stage, I'd stopped listening.

But it was something about living, wasn't it?

How we've got to keep living.

DOOR BELL

Oh, never mind, pet.

Try again tomorrow.

KNOCKING

Yes?

You've got a visitor.

Well, actually, you've got two,

but only the porcelain one can stay over.

But I thought you said Tigger couldn't live here?

I hate the idea of someone feeling unhappy in their own home.

Just thought I'd see how you were settling in...

..oh, and if you're sure I can't tempt you

to one of my challenging scones.

Excuse me, Stan. I've got some living to do.

Right. Fine. I'll join you.

But keep your hands where I can see them and no funny business.

I don't just give it away.

This is brilliant.

MUSIC: "Price Tag" by Jessie J

# It's not about the money, money, money

# We don't need your money, money, money

# We just wanna make the world dance

# Forget about the price tag

# Ain't about the, uh cha-ching, cha-ching

# Ain't about the, yeah ba-bling, ba-bling

# Wanna make the world dance

# Forget about the price tag. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd