Stairway to Hebburn Hebburn

# Oh, Joey Boy A slice of cheese is calling

# And a pork pie But not a word to Pauline... #

DOOR OPENS

Hello.

What's my favourite estate agent doing home in daylight hours?

We're not selling our house, are we?

No, I'm not selling...anything.

Have you been crying?

Oh, Joe, it's that place, that awful place!

The porch? What's wrong with it?

No, the estate agents! And that Ralph.

Slimy, patronising, point-scoring little bully.

He delights in making my life a misery.

We should introduce him to your mam, they'd make the perfect storm.

Aw, angel.

I feel like jacking it all in.

It would mean you'd be less stressed.

And we'd all benefit from that.

We could start maybe using just a spoon to cut the atmosphere.

Right, I'm off.

Where are you going?

I'm going to help Gervaise choose a studio to record his album at.

-I thought Hebburn only had one recording studio.

-Aye.

That's the one we're going to choose.

You all right, Mam?

You look sad and it's making me feel sad.

I'm fine, love.

She's not fine. I heard it all.

She's being bullied at work. Her career's in ruins.

Oh, and she wants to leave me out in a storm!

All right, News At Ten, that's plenty.

Don't worry about me.

You get on your way.

Don't forget, Mam,

Cheryl teaches us that every day ain't going to be no picnic.

Aw, thanks, pet. That helps.

Dad! What are you doing here?

-You know, just passing by.

-Passing?

You live in York. Where's Mum?

She's in York.

She let you come all the way here. On your own?

No, she didn't let me.

I've...

I've left your mother.

Ta-da!

I'm a free man!

She pushed me too far this time, Sarah.

And I'm not being told what to do any more!

Ssh! Get inside.

Of course. Sorry.

Jack, look who's here!

Ben? You on your own? Where's Susan?

You on day release?

I've left Susan!

Susan allowed you to leave her?

No, I did it all on my own!

So I thought I could stay here for a week or two

till I get on my feet.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Jack? Coffee?

No, none for me, ta. I'm going fishing with Ramsey.

Thankfully, this time I've managed to convince him

not to take his air rifle.

Or his hammer.

I'll have a coffee, love. Three sugars.

Three?

Susan's not in charge of the sugar any more.

Or the spoons.

Anyway, I'll just go upstairs and get unpacked.

I'll find my own way, Jack.

Or as the Americans say, "roomie".

LAUGHING: No problem, roomie!

No matter what happens, there is no way he's moving in here.

I will talk to him.

Mum's probably just pushed him too far. You go.

-IN ACCENT:

-Bring me back a fishy on a little dishy.

Well, that's almost racist.

Dad, do you want breakfast? I'm just about to have my third.

Where's Vicky hidden the bloody tea bags?

You know what Ralph did today?

He sent me to show a couple round a house on Hedgy Road.

Hey! There was a house on fire there this morning.

-It was on the news just now.

-That was the one.

So, did they buy it?

-No, but the firemen gave us a round of applause for trying.

-Hey.

You would think Vicky would at least put the sugar

in the same hemisphere as the tea bags, wouldn't you?

And that Ralph's just standing there,

eating them cupcakes that I baked for everyone at work.

"Perhaps you're better off selling cupcakes cos you can't sell houses,"

he said. Slimy little sod.

I've half a bloody mind to do just that.

Fantastic.

Oh, do you think so?

Well, I mean I could always sell to a few different places.

Everybody's always saying how delicious me baking is.

-Absolutely unbelievable.

-Thanks, pet.

Mind, it'd mean me working at home all the time.

I'd need a lot of support.

Joe, I'm saying I'll need your support!

You've always got my support, my sweet.

And as soon as I've decided what's living in this teapot

you'll have both my support and a steaming cup of Tetley's.

So, do you think I should do it?

Are you sure?

Aye, I'm sure.

I'm sure. I've never been more sure of anything.

I can't believe it!

I'm going to do it!

I'm going to go and bloody do it!

Aye! You bloody go and bloody do it!

SHE SHOUTS WITH JOY

What's all this racket? I'm trying to watch Loose Women.

There's four ladies who don't let the menopause

dictate their moods, Pauline.

Oh, Dot, not even you can sour me moment.

Pin back your lug holes. We've got some news, big news. Haven't we, Joe?

-Aye, apparently we have.

-Go on, you tell her.

No, it's your news. You tell her.

Go on! I just want to see the look on her face.

Why? Is it going to be happy? Or maybe sad? Suicidal?

I'll do it!

I'm starting me own business.

-Joe talked me into it!

-Did I?

Ah, look at him being dead modest.

I'm giving up the estate agents and I'm starting up on me own,

baking and selling cup cakes.

-Hooray(!)

-Yeah!

What are you doing?

I'm off to start packing me things

because we'll be homeless in no time.

I'm just getting ahead of the bailiffs.

You know, they reckon that since the shipyards closed

there's salmon in the Tyne?

Aye, and cucumber.

Just dropped my sandwich.

So why are we here?

Peace, tranquillity and solitude.

That's pretty deep for you, isn't it, mate?

Oh, it's not me. Denise sends us down here.

To get out from under her swollen feet.

Proposed to her again this morning.

Judging by the fact you're sober

and relatively coherent, I'm assuming she wasn't too impressed?

I don't get it. I spelled "Will you marry me?" out

in Sugar Puffs on the kitchen floor.

Wow. Well, while I have to question you trying to win a lady's heart

with what is essentially spilled breakfast,

I have to admire your persistence, mate.

Aye, well, she can't say no forever.

One of us has to die eventually.

Well, at least you've got a plan.

Right.

Now...why don't you tell me exactly what happened?

I was in the shoe shop, just locking up, when Susan, your mother...

I know who she is.

..she said I kept waking her up when I went to the toilet in the night.

So from now on, I wouldn't be allowed liquids past ten o'clock.

You could talk to her, surely.

Then, after I'd agreed to that,

your mother noticed some stock I'd ordered

that I'd not...

told her about.

What stock?

Ugg boots.

Oh, Dad! You know how she feels about them.

I know! But we are in a recession and they're very popular!

She went mad.

Told me I wasn't allowed to order stock ever again.

And then..

And then what?

..the next thing I knew I was in the car and shooting my way here,

like Lewis Hamilton.

Except he's not Jewish and I was in a Volvo.

I even had a pasty in the car!

-You ate food in the car?

-I did.

For the first time in decades I felt free.

Lighter than air and...

and covered in pasty flakes!

Anyway, I need a favour.

What's his name? What pub does he drink in? I'll sort him out for you.

No, man. I need you to answer some questions for my book.

Oh, your secret book?

Listen, Jack's journal is an almost scientific study

of pregnancy from a male perspective.

For scientific reasons I can't tell her about it

because if she knows, she'll alter her behaviour

She'll alter your bollocks, mate.

Aye, we'll cover that bridge with my hands when we come to it.

Anyway, the publisher said I need to get input

from other men with pregnant partners.

-I'm an onion. Peel me.

-Right.

So, would you say that the pregnancy has bought you closer together?

Well, physically, aye.

She's mad for it.

But emotionally no.

She says I've never irritated her more.

-Ah, sorry to hear that, mate.

-Oh, it's all right.

It's quite nice having sex with someone

-when they're giving you the silent treatment.

-Is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

When my Denise gets going, she's got a proper mouth on her, like.

Really puts us off me stride.

Oh, I'm on, I'm on. Jack, I'm on.

-I'm on, Jackie.

-Might be a cucumber.

Dad, where's Mum? Is she all right?

And by that I mean, is she still alive?

She's fine. Well, I mean, she's awful, but she's...

QUEEN'S "I WANT TO BREAK FREE" PLAYS AS RING TONE

That's her now. I changed her ring tone.

She's been calling constantly.

-Hello?

-'Oh, I see,'

you must be the new woman.

You sound like a woman of poor morals.

It's me. Your daughter.

Oh, so that's where he's scurried off, is it?

Put him on the phone, dear, immediately.

She would like to talk to you.

I'm a free man!

Sarah said I can stay here as long as I want

and she's happy for me to pee whenever I choose!

I didn't quite say he could stay.

Put me on speaker.

'Look here, Benjamin, you can get your bottom back to York this instant.'

I'm not coming back, Susan.

'I'm standing up for myself.'

I'm staying here with Sarah

and there's nothing anybody can do to make me leave.

Good for you.

Right....

You can choose from vanilla, blueberry, chocolate chip,

lemon or coffee...

Oh, and I'm doing a discount on cinder cakes.

Cinder cakes, they're like normal cupcakes, just a bit crunchier.

Ten of each. No problem. I'll drop them round in the morning.

All right, bye.

And that's them burnt ones sold as well.

You give in to things early on, and it's a slippery slope.

Before you know it, you're trying on skirts in Marks's

because you're the same size

and Susan can't be bothered to go there herself.

Me and Pauline have our fallings out,

but we always make up in the end.

Sometimes, if I'm really lucky, it turns out it wasn't even my fault!

Oh, it's always my fault.

"Ben's left toast crumbs in the butter.

"Ben's ruining his mother's funeral by crying."

Mmm, I see, right. Tricky.

That's him, the one that ran off from his wife.

Well, didn't run, exactly. Drove.

-The break-up of any relationship is always hard.

-Drove, did you?

Quicker than running.

More cowardly.

My Stan left on a ship.

Very slow.

He was a bastard, but when he tore your heart out,

he let you enjoy the moment.

# Because you don't know what I know, when I know

# What I remembered

# To forget about you. #

How was that?

-Lush.

-Shite.

I think I've got another one in me.

-That's a shame.

-How, man!

I'm executive producing on this album

and I don't want you undermining the talent.

Talent? You might want to Wikipedia the word, love.

I'll Wikipedia you in a minute!

And do you know what I'll find?

I'll find a big, fat nowt.

Water! I need to hydrate! My instrument is parching!

Sounding great, babe.

Yeah, I can really feel myself evolving, changing.

It's like the music is in me and I'm just a conduit.

Only now do I truly understand how Peter Andre feels.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Jackie boy! Bob Muirfield.

-Bobby boy!

-Don't ever call me that.

-Sorry.

-'How's things?'

Well, I've got me father-in-law staying with us,

though when he goes to the toilet in the night,

-you'd think he was a racehorse

-Yeah. I don't really care.

Look, I've got some great news about the book!

I can change the names like I asked?

No, don't be stupid! We need authenticity.

That's why people will buy it!

It's about real people with real problems.

The more I think about it, the more problems I see.

Brilliant! Down to the balls and smalls of it,

I've managed to get an extract from your book

published in the Saturday Telegraph supplement.

But...but I thought no-one was going to read it until it was finished

and until Sarah had had the baby and become a bit more...human.

You don't sound very excited, Jack.

Have you any idea how many people are going to read this?

God! I've been meaning to talk to you,

I read the edit you sent through. You didn't leave any of the nice things I said about Sarah!

Course not! She's our villain. People are going to hate her!

It's going to be 50 Shades Of Great!

Look, I probably should have told you earlier,

but Sarah's is my actual wife. This is my actual diary.

If she reads it, she might even leave us.

I see what you mean! We can get another book out of this.

-I don't want to lose my wife!

-That's not what I'm reading here.

Look, Jack, it's very simple, do you want a book

that keeps your hormonal wife happy

or do you want one that sells million of copies?

I want one that sells millions of copies?

Is the correct answer.

Right, I've just got to iron out a few details

with the newspaper people.

Talk to you later. Don't forget to write.

HE TUNES GUITAR

I'm not convinced about this.

You'll see, man. Lindsay's guitar playing will add shitloads of class.

Lindsay, ready when you are.

Sure. How do you want me to play it, Gervaise?

I was thinking about maybe dropping in a couple of arpeggios.

No arpeggios, thanks. Just stick to the guitar.

Oh, OK then.

Let's do this.

Guitar track for Valentine's Day Masochist, take one.

HE PLAYS TENDER TUNE

It's absolutely beautiful.

So what about you, Joe?

-You seem to be keeping yourself busy since the stroke.

-Me? Well...

I spend my days using my one good arm to place these cupcakes,

which I'm not allowed to eat, mind, into these boxes.

It's one of the levels of hell, Ben.

It's just not been assigned a number yet.

Right, I'd best get this delivery delivered.

-Aw, Joe have you not packed those cupcakes?

-I'll do it.

Oh, thanks, Ben.

Then can you take them out to the people carrier?

Of course, Susan.

Haaa!

UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC

Right, let me get them in. What you drinking, G-man?

It's Gervaise, and I'll have my usual. They know what it is.

He drinks lager top, Lindsay. Proper lager's too strong for him.

It refreshes my vocal cords!

Hey, good call. Think I'll maybe have one of those myself.

-Vicks?

-I'll have one if you're having one,

it refreshes me vocal cords.

You go and sit down. I'll give you a hand.

Right, Dad. What would you like?

Oh, just a shandy.

Actually, no, triple vodka.

I'm not sure, in your current emotional state, that's wise.

Although it is less liquid to keep me awake later.

Hi, Gervaise. How's the album going?

It's my definitive statement, like.

Right. And what's it saying?

"Me."

Hi, pet. Ben, Gervaise.

-My round. What would you like?

-Lager, please.

What's up with you?

Just realised the '80s are over

and you have to send that outfit back to where it was born?

It's that bloody Lindsay. Look at him, all brushed teeth and tallness.

Aw, is the Hebburn gigolo feeling threatened?

He's always showing off how nice he is!

You should have seen him in the studio.

He can play seven instruments, seven!

Yeah, he can play all them instruments,

but can he sing like you?

Well, he says he can't, but then he does backing vocals and guess what?

He sings like an angel. But he hasn't got my epic tone.

The thing is, I can feel him causing a rift between me and Vicky.

We're drifting apart, like...

..sexual icebergs.

That's how it starts, of course.

One moment you're at a picnic,

and she's dragging you off into the forest to have her way with you,

then the next thing, you're in separate bedrooms

wondering if you're her husband

or some kind of sex-starved housekeeper

Would you two like some razor blades with your crisps?

Ben, you need to cheer up, man, you've made the break.

You're a free man.

Gervaise, you should cheer up cos it's all in your head, son.

And stop slagging off Lindsay. He seems like a lovely bloke.

THE GIRLS LAUGH

Oh, my God! Lindsay is such a laugh!

The barmaid thought we were a couple!

She said she could definitely see us together.

I said I felt ugly and pregnant and Lindsay said

I was glowing and gorgeous

and I said that you never say anything like that to me

and then he said...I can't remember, but it was so funny.

Where are the drinks?

Oh, my God, I completely forgot. I'm so sorry.

Lindsay! I forgot the drinks! Mental!

THEY GIGGLE

Aye, you're right he's a bellend.

Right I've cupped me last cake for today.

I'm shattered, but you know what?

I think I'm starting a whole new chapter.

Well, I hope this new chapter's got me in it.

Don't be daft, you're me bloody bookmark.

Well...

You know our Vicky's out?

Mm-hm.

-And me mam's over the road at Arthur's?

-Mm-hm.

This house has only got two people in it.

Two lovely people, in love, lovingly.

Are you trying to get a bit of action before your mam gets back?

I'm trying to create an atmosphere of romance and tenderness.

-And thereby action.

-Oh, right.

Well...

..I think we should...

-..just check your blood pressure with the machine...

-Mm-hm.

..and if it's all right,

I'll think about it.

-SLURRING:

-I mean, maybe I am in the wrong,

I knew she wouldn't like the boots

but I just wanted to make sure the shop made some money.

Relationships are tricky, Ben.

We pull and push at our partners but only because we want them

to be the image that we have of the perfect them.

If she's any sense,

she'll think about all the years you've had together

and not throw it all away,

just because some arpeggio dickhead comes to town.

What are you on about?

Him, Vicky! Him!

Trying to split us up!

-And more importantly, trying to wreck my album!

-Whoa!

Is there a problem? I'm sensing a lot of anger.

You'll be sensing a leatherette loafer

-up your arse in a minute, mate!

-Gervaise!

Take that back!

I'm dead sorry about this, Lindsay, it's the lager top talking.

It's not the top!

He's a knobhead!

-Jack said so too!

-Jack! How could you?

I did not say knobhead! I did not say knobhead!

No, he didn't.

He said bellend.

So, you're all against us!

Gervaise, I'll see meself home.

Vicky! Vicky, wait!

Well, according to this...

..your blood pressure is fine,

so, as long as you can keep yourself nice and calm,

I think we should go upstairs.

I promise, at no point during our love-making

-will I become emotional or excited.

-That's my boy. Howay, then.

Yoo-hoo!

Evening, Joe! Evening, Pauline!

Would one of you mind sticking the kettle on?

I have to go and eject some tenants from downstairs.

Marvellous...

Hey.

I didn't know you smoked. It's bad for you, Vick, yeah?

It's only when I'm upset.

Look, Gervaise will come round.

I think he maybe just feels threatened

because we have this connection.

I know.

I feel it really strongly.

And sometimes I just want to...

I don't think that's a good idea.

I'm sorry.

I should have known you wouldn't be interested

-in a little skip rat like me.

-Far from it, Vicky.

I adore you.

You're a beautiful, radiant,

strong yet supple creature.

and would like nothing more than to take you in my arms

-and cover you with loving kisses.

-Uh...

But you're with Gervaise.

-I know.

-And as long as you are with Gervaise

I promise I will not lay a finger on you.

-Fingers are fine.

-We can't, Vicky.

-I know it would be enrapturing...

-And fully lush.

..but we're better people than that.

Are we?

We are.

Thanks for the loan of the underwear.

I must say they're more snug than I'm used to.

They cup you nicely, don't they?

Finish your drink, Ben.

Dad, I just spoke to Mum.

She misses you.

No, it's all finished.

She'd forgive me anything, but not the Ugg boots.

She still loves you.

When you love someone, you will forgive them anything.

Will you? Like anything at all?

Of course.

Well, I suppose it might be possible to straighten things out.

Perhaps I should talk to her.

Yes. Yes, you should.

Because she's here.

She knows she's been difficult to live with

and I think she's ready to compromise.

It'll be fine.

Hello, Susan.

This is an unexpected...thing.

I was just passing. I'm on my way back to York.

You could join me if you like.

I can sleep in a separate bedroom on my own

just as well in Hebburn, thank you.

Well, I don't see why you couldn't sleep in my bed.

Just for a trial run.

That would be a start.

I thought I'd give you this.

What's that?

A list I've been keeping.

Things I've wanted to say over the years, but never had the courage.

Some of them aren't relevant any more,

what with technology moving on and all that.

I think Shergar might be heading home to his own toilet tonight.

You know you said that if you love someone

you'd forgive them anything?

Well, I've kind of been writing a new book.

-Uh-huh.

-And it's all about you and your pregnancy.

I wrote some stuff in my journal that wasn't exactly complimentary

and me publisher got hold of it

and they're going to publish it

but I'm kind of worried it might destroy our marriage.

Lovely. Look, they've made up.

And...

we're going for a picnic again.

And you're going to drag me off into the woods and ravish me

to within an inch of my life.

Thanks for everything.

I'll send the boxer shorts back when I've washed them.

No problem, ex-roomie.

Oh, thank God for that. Sorry, what were you saying?

I just wanted to tell y...

Oh, brilliant(!) I've got pizza sauce all down my top!

You've let me sit here all night looking like an idiot!

Let's not over-react...

You might not care what people think about you

but I'm more sensitive! I'm vulnerable!

Hey, hey, calm down. It's OK. Why don't we get you home, eh?

Yeah, sorry.

What were you saying?

-Oh, that can wait.

-Are you sure?

The surest I've ever been about anything.

Let's get you home, run you a hot bath,

and give you a nice massage, eh?

Oh, you're such a star.

You're the best husband ever.

Yep. I definitely am.

SHE SLURPS

PHONE RINGS

Eh, I think it might be business. I'd better take it.

Hello?

No, it's fine.

How can I help you?

You know, I wouldn't be offended

if you wanted to move over the road with laughing boy.

We could have your stair-lift

shifted across to his house, no bother.

And what would you do without it?

Me?! It's no use to me.

I never use the thing!

Of course you do, you soppy apeth.

I do not!

I'm perfectly capable of getting to the top of the stairs on me own.

I'll admit I have used it once or twice

but that's just to make sure it's working properly for you.

PAULINE SCREAMS

Pauline!

What's wrong? Are you all right?

-I'm more than all right!

-You scared the life out of us.

The fire station have just ordered 200 cup cakes

for their open day!

-Pauline!

-What?

I just got up the stairs in one bloody leap!

-On me own! I did it, Pauline! I did it!

-Well done!

Mind, I can hear canoodling going on up there!

It'll not do you any good

because I've hidden your blood pressure machine!

Come on!

PAULINE CACKLES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd