Sleep in Hebburnly Peace Hebburn

# Christmas is here Bringing good cheer

# To young and old Meek and the bold

# Ding dong ding dong That is their song

# With joyful ring All carolling

# One seems to hear Words of good cheer... #

Right, I've got a turkey coming out, so no sudden moves.

This part is critical and I want do not want any stress.

Ooh, lovely. I'm nice and calm at the minute, but...

DOORBELL RINGS

They're here! Joe, they're here! Go! Eee, our Jack!

And we have touchdown.

All ready for tomorrow.

Er...they're here, Pauline.

Ooh, Merry Christmas!

Oh.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Oh, shalom, Susan, shalom, Ben.

We're staying two-and-a-half hours. And the time starts now.

We brought Susan's mum. I hope that's all right.

She hasn't seen the baby yet.

And shalom and welcome to you too, pet.

Quite.

Sorry. We thought you were Jack and Sarah.

Are they not here yet?

They were delayed at baggage reclaim so for now it's just you and us.

And a healthy dose of quality time together.

Who's this? Are Jack and Sarah back?

No, Mam. It's better than that.

Sarah's mam and dad are here, and they've brought her gran.

I'm sorry, flower, I didn't catch your name.

Tell her my name, Susan.

This is my mother, Millie.

I'm always happy to meet another wheeled princess.

This is Arthur. Dot's boyfriend.

Acquaintance, Pauline. Arthur is my special acquaintance.

I don't know what kind of house you keep here,

men just popping out of bedrooms when company arrives?

Perhaps I should just away into the night.

Yes. You probably should.

No.

Good night, all.

Get out while you can, mate.

Good night, Arthur, love.

Good night.

I presume we're all going into your infamous Good Room, Pauline?

But of course, Susan. Joseph, will you do the honours, pet?

Howay, then.

Good room? What does she mean, "good room"?

It's what these people have, mother.

It's what we would call a lounge.

I told you on the way up, they live a simpler life than we do.

# Gloria, gloria in excelsis deo. #

CLOCK TICKS

Ho-ho-ho!

CHIRPY ELECTRONIC JINGLE BELLS

It's infra-red.

Oh, very modern.

DOOR OPENS

We're here!

-Eee!

-It's a Christmas miracle!

Sorry!

-Hello.

-Hello, darling!

-Thank God you're here! Come in! Come in!

Yes. Come in!

Come in to MY Good Room.

Let the games begin.

Hello. Hasn't he come on lovely?

Oh, he's gorgeous.

Despite the outfit you elected to present him in.

Ben - photographs.

Oh, er, the camera's in the car. I'll just grab it.

You left the camera in the car? Round here?

Why, what are you saying? This is a respectable area.

No, she's right. The camera'll be gone.

I'll... I'll just go and grab it.

He's got my father's chin, very proud and defined.

Well...both his eyes come from our side of the family, don't they?

So deep and thoughtful.

You can see he's having some intense thoughts now.

No, he needs changing, that's the face he does when he's

doing his business.

He gets that from me.

I've been looking forward to Christmas.

We can just relax, stuff our faces, get presents and get lashed.

Oh, you poor deluded boy.

Sorry?

Christmas is a hard bloody slog.

The only way we get through it is by

keeping your mam's spirits up, and I'm not letting her down this year. She's sensitive, your mam.

Joe, drag your sorry arse in here,

I'll show this bloody woman whose elbows that baby's got.

Ben! Show us your elbows!

Oh...um...

Er...

Aha! I knew it!

I think we might have a small problem.

Is it elbow related? Apparently we're doing elbows now.

It's just that, well, er...

Oh, pet, don't tell us your camera really has been stolen?

-No, it's not that.

-Oh, thank goodness for that.

Our car's been stolen. With the camera inside it.

Well, suppose we'd better ring someone, then.

It's a grey Volvo.

It's only a year old.

-Can you do anything?

-Please.

Well, I'll have an ask about, like, see if any of me

old mates are on their toes, but it's not looking good.

Can you please try?

I'll try, but have you got somewhere to stay tonight?

Joe and Pauline. They'll put you up.

Whoa! Let's not do anything rash,

we haven't exhausted all viable options yet.

All the trains back to York have gone.

The coach companies say they're all done for Christmas.

Coach?

I mean, of course, you're...

Pauline, there is no room at this inn.

-You're more than welcome...

-Pauline?

..to stay here.

Please, try very, very hard.

# We wish you a merry Christmas... #

Right, I think we've got yous all squeezed in.

Ben and Susan, you're on the inflatable

mattress in the Good Room.

And I'm afraid Millie will have to go on the sofa in the living room.

Joe's digging out the stuff between the cushions and making it up now.

Did you hear that, Susan?

They're just digging out "stuff" between the cushions.

-We are honoured.

-I'm sorry, Mother.

Right, then, you're all bunked up.

If I was you, I'd sleep with your head at Pauline's end of the sofa.

The cushion on my end's sort of sagging a bit.

Or maybe the cushion's all right and it's me arse that's collapsing.

Oh, actually, I was wondering about Christ-mas.

Is it terribly insensitive to call it that in front of you?

I'd hate for you to think we're anti-semantic.

We're Jewish, Pauline, but we're not unaware of the concept of Christmas.

Although I must say I can't remember seeing it splattered across the walls

quite so liberally.

We're very grateful. It's quite exciting for us,

to have our first Christmas!

That's the spirit, Ben! And you've come to the right place.

No-one does Christmas like we do.

-Winter Festival, Joe.

-You what?

No-one does a non-denominational winter festival like we do.

Hey! You can stay up with me and Jack if you like.

We're having our traditional Christmas Eve feast.

-Oh!

-It's the sort of thing that the men do.

And you're a man, sort of.

No, Ben, we're going straight to bed.

I've had a very stressful day!

And I would appreciate some peace and quiet.

# Oh what fun it is to ride

# On a one horse open sleigh

Hey!

# Jingle bells Here's my keys

# About 20 of them... #

FOOTSTEPS

Vicki, man! You're in Dot's room tonight!

Shush, Jack! You'll wake the baby!

She's getting in the bed! She's getting in the bed!

Great, Christmas Eve in bed with a dead angel!

Ssh! I'm trying to get to sleep.

We can do it in the morning if me mam and dad are out.

So, in the end, we decided Susan would be more

comfortable on the mattress if I slept on the floor.

-VICKI:

-Eeeeeeeee!

Where's me little nephew, then?

What are these doing here?

Mam! Why are these here on Christmas day?

Well, we were just visiting this hell hole, and someone stole...

Mam!

Why is there another old woman in a wheelchair talking to us?

There's just supposed to be one.

This is my grandmother, Millie.

Mam! Why does everyone but me know what's going on?

Don't you ask that question every day?

Mam! Why is Jack ruining Christmas?

Jack, stop ruining Christmas.

I'm surprised you're even still alive, anyway, the state you were in last night.

You looked like a smackhead fairy.

Shut up, man!

Just cause Sarah's made you lose all the fun out of your life, don't blame me when I have some.

Vicki!

Sorry, Sarah, pet, where are me manners? Merry Christmas.

Jack, go and get your dad. Tell him we're doing the presents.

I think he's in the loft getting extra hats for dinner.

Hats? What, you mean paper hats?

No. No. I'll let you explain.

Me dad goes proper mental at Christmas. He makes us

all wear special hats.

We've done it every Christmas for the last 26 years.

It's almost like a tradition.

If you don't wear your hat...

TOGETHER: ..you don't get your dinner!

THEY LAUGH

Right, Susan!

Oh, what's this?

Oh, a present from little Jack with a Q.

Furry handcuffs. Seeing as we broke the last lot.

From the baby?

What's them for?

Er... These are in case you want to restrain someone,

but you don't want to hurt them.

Or sometimes you do.

Hey, Denise, I've got to give you your present yet.

Ooh! For me? Howay, then, where is it?

It's outside.

A car! For me?

Grey Volvo? One-year-old, is it?

Comes with a free camera?

-Aye, how did you know?

-Hutchy! You cannae give her this.

You're going to have to get her something else. Preferably something that doesn't already have an owner.

Ah, howay, man. Look how happy she is.

I've got a car! I've got a car! I've got a car!

Hashtag delighted!

I've got a car...

I've got...ooh! Driving gloves.

They're embroidered...Joe.

Lucky, lucky you, Ben.

Do I have one of Joe's presents? I don't understand.

Is this a Christian thing?

Well, I had to split some of our presents up

just so everyone had something to open.

I've got men's slippers, size ten.

Oh, we can always give them to the spaniels to chew when we get home.

Joe, why don't you open a present?

Cos I haven't got any.

Santa decided that some people needed my presents more than I did.

I think he might be losing his Winter Festival spirit.

Well, I've got a present for everybody.

There you go. That's for you, that's for you. Mam.

What is this?

It's me ex-boyfriend-but-we're- still-friends's album.

I executive produced it.

What does executive producing mean?

It's er... It's like...

Well, you wouldn't understand.

Right, that's presents done, who's getting out of me way

and going down the pub while I get the dinner ready?

TOGETHER: Me!

# Driving home for Christmas

# Oh I can't wait to see those faces

# I'm driving home for Christmas... #

Happy Winter Festival! Cheers!

ALL: Cheers!

I must say, Joe, it's very kind of you to take us in.

Me, Susan and especially Mill...

Shhh, Ben.

We come to the pub to forget what is waiting for us at home.

Howay. Muzzle chop, son.

# ..to pass the time away

# Driving in my car... #

Right, Pauline versus Christmas dinner. Howay, then.

Where do you want me, Pauline?

Oh, you're all right, you go and sit yourself in the Good Room, flower.

I'm about to become at one with me kitchen.

Please.

I really don't want to be in the room with mine and Joe's mother.

They escalate each other.

Oh, right. Fair enough. There's a sack of spuds there.

You just keep peeling them until we've run out of ways to cook them.

And Susan was telling me your husband ran off, Dorothy?

A number of times. But he always came back.

Apparently, what I've got, you can't find just anywhere.

Oh, I imagine there are pubs all round here

where your sort are freely available.

It's Sarah I worry about. Marrying down into such a deprived

family, it really shows her charitable side, doesn't it?

We might not have much...

Well, if this is your Good Room, I'd say you might not have anything, Dorothy.

You poor thing.

Cat got your tongue?

No, I'm just trying to loosen my teeth so I can throw them at you.

So, what time does your mum want me round for dinner?

Dinner? You're not coming for dinner.

What? Who's going to sing the turkey in from the kitchen?

You're not me official boyfriend any more, are you?

I want us to be properly back together.

Vicki, you complete me.

Jerry Maguire?

Are you trying to impress us with lines from Jerry Maguire?

If you really want to impress me, do us something to show us

that you genuinely care.

I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him.

I doubt it.

PHONE RINGS

Eee, me Mam's ringing on me new phone.

Hiya. We're just in Swayzes.

Gervaise is trying to impress us

with quotes from movies like a bell-end.

All right. Right, ta-ra!

Dinner's ready!

ALL CHEER

Not yous. Just us.

GROANING

Vicki!

-Christmas dinner, Ben.

-Yeah, lovely!

Vicki, wait!

Right, Ben, Susan, Millie and Sarah, you're in the Good Room end.

Which is also the kosher end, in line with their beliefs.

-Thank you, Pauline.

-No thanks necessary.

In fact, this whole room is kosher, just to be on the safe side.

The rest of yous, if you're wanting pigs in blankets,

they're in the kitchen. You'll have to eat them over the sink and then brush your teeth.

I'm not having anyone say Pauline Pearson's house isn't multi-faith.

Has that shiksa finished yet? Can we eat?

Not yet.

We can't eat until we've all got our hats on.

You don't wear your hat...

TOGETHER: You don't get your dinner!

THEY WHOOP AND CHEER

SILENCE

Could you pass the peas?

No.

Of course, Zurich is wonderful this time of year.

The snow is...quite possibly the whitest snow I've ever seen.

And the really great thing is that the university is only five minutes from our place.

Would you say five minutes, Jack?

Five minutes.

Oh. Lovely.

Jack's novel! Jack's been writing his new novel.

Just managed to fit it in around looking after AJ, haven't you?

Yeah. I'm balancing the pressures of being an author with childcare.

I call it typing and wiping.

The book?

No, me life.

Er, yeah, me new book.

It's about a detective who doesn't play by the rules,

he's like a maverick, a lone wolf.

But he can't get any sleep

because he's looking after his new born son all day.

Set in Switzerland, is it?

Yeah, how did you know?

Sounds like shite.

Can the new old woman pass the gravy, please?

She's been hogging it like it's the bloody fountain of youth.

Right, that's it. I'm not wearing this silly hat any longer!

No, howay, the rules are...

No, Joe! It is ridiculous. It's ruining my hair.

I'm taking mine off too. And so is Ben.

-But...

-Take it off, Ben.

(Sorry.)

And the other night, we went to a fondue party, didn't we, Jack?

Excuse me.

Pig in a blanket?

Don't talk about your gran like that.

Dad? You OK?

They won't wear the hats!

Oh, they're new to Christmas, they don't understand our ways.

What's there to not understand about hats?

I'm sorry, Jack, I just wanted

to have one last great Christmas with the whole family.

You're not going to be coming back from Switzerland every year, are you, after this?

You'll be skipping around over there,

eating your fondue in this extra white snow.

Dad, I hate Zurich! I hate it.

It's so neat and nice and organised and clean and...and...Swiss!

What?

I've got nowt done on me novel. I just want to come home!

Sarah loves it, but I'm stuck in a house all day with AJ.

And I know he's me son, and I love him, but...

He just eats, sleeps and shits!

All to the constant soundtrack of crying. Sometimes him, sometimes me.

The only person I ever speak to is the cleaner.

And she thinks I'm Scottish. And Welsh!

THEY CRY

What are you doing here?

We're just having a little moment.

You cannot be crying in here.

This is where I come for me cry on Christmas Day.

What?

When you're having your dinner, I come in here for a little cry

because...none of you appreciate how much hard work goes into it.

That's making me even sadder! I'm sorry, love.

I'm so sorry, Mam, I never knew!

Right, come on, come on.

I'm not giving that Susan

the satisfaction of seeing my family in crisis.

Now...

Let's put our faces on, and we're going to go back in there

and we're going to finish that dinner.

Right. And smile!

Let's smack the bitches up!

Right. The car didn't work out, so I've got you another present.

Aye. What is it this time? The turkey from the orphanage?

Open your eyes.

Oh, my God! Ramsey! Get in here!

Look! A manger for little baby Jack with a Q!

I bet no-one else in Hebburn's got a manger!

Well, the shopping centre hasn't...any more.

# Away in a manger

# No crib for a bed... #

Did you not want to go to the pub with everyone?

Oh, no, Susan. This is usually me favourite part of the day.

Just me, all alone in me house. Whipping this place back into shape with no-one to get on me nerves.

I have to hand it to you, Pauline, I would have had a nervous breakdown if I'd had to do all this.

I expect you would.

It'd drive some people to tears,

but I find strength in knowing it's just all part of being a mother.

I'm... I'm sorry about my mother. She can be a little...

well, a lot...evil.

Don't worry, I've spent the last 30-odd years dealing with Dot.

I'm well schooled in evil.

Wa-hey! Merry Christmas, you folks!

-Oh, my God!

-Alreet, posh knickers?

Hiya, Denise, look, I got a new phone for Christmas!

I've already changed the screen saver. Look.

Oh! A picture of you, what a shocker.

Howay, then, blondie, how was Belgium?

You know it's Switzerland, silly. I've got so much to tell you!

Oh, Sarah, it's Christmas, not Swiss-mas.

Oh, I nearly forgot. I got you a present!

Oh, thanks very much.

It's absinthe. A traditional Swiss spirit.

The Romantic poets used to drink it.

And it gets you completely spannered.

I'll be the judge of that.

So, shall I just get us a bottle of wine to share?

Whoa! Whoa there, Rudolf. First things first.

Shots?

Well remembered, my young apprentice. Shots it is!

I think I've just tried to be like her my whole life.

I think that's why I'm so...awful.

Aw, Susan, you're not awful.

Aren't I?

Yes! You are!

THEY GIGGLE

You're the worst woman I've ever met!

I dread you coming to me house!

You've ruined Winter Festival! I mean Christmas!

Oh, Pauline, have I?

Oh! Oh, no, of course not. I can honestly say it's been very unique.

Speaking of which, Santa's coming down the chimney

and he's not stopping for a mince pie, if you know what I mean.

Ladies, seeing as you two are getting on so well, me and Susan

have decided to stop tidying up and head down the pub with the others.

Now you take care of that bairn. Bye.

And off they go. Leaving us to it.

While they live life to the full. That's the way with children.

-You give birth to them...

-..raise them.

Point out every little mistake so they don't make fools of themselves.

And do we get any thanks?

We do not. We're two of a kind, eh, Dot?

And we know what the future holds for us, don't we?

Cold, cold loneliness.

Well, it might for you, you miserable old pumpkin!

But I've still got some heave-ho left in me.

MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

Having fun, girls?

Yeah, it's so good to be here.

It's such a shame we have to go back to Switzerland.

-But Jack just loves it over there.

-Oh, does he now?

What do you mean? What's he been saying?

Need a hand, Dad?

Did you tell your dad you're not happy in Zurich?

Keep your voice down.

You know you lose your volume control when you're drunk. You're like a foghorn...

that's drunk too much.

I see. So, you can't talk to me about it when we're over there!

But the second you get back to Hebburn you just spill your guts to your dad?

Brilliant. This is going to kick right off.

What a belter.

It's all right for you! You couldn't be happier with your whiter than white snow

and your five-minute walk to work!

WHAT? So they can call me in whenever they want? Are you mental?

I never see you, Jack! I never see AJ!

-What do you want to do, then? Just pack up and move back to Hebburn?

-YES! I want that more than anything!

-Right, well, let's do that, then.

-Good! Nothing would make me happier!

-Good! We're moving home, then.

Seriously? Are yous two coming home?

Are you sure this is what you want?

Yeah, I'm sure.

WE'RE COMING HOME!

And...I think your Volvo's just been found outside!

Has it?

And apparently it's been given a full clean and

a full tank of petrol!

What about the camera?

Howay, you can't expect miracles, son.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to sing again in a minute.

GROANING

But first, there's something I must do.

Vicki Pearson, you told me to show you I care.

So here you are.

Vicki, will you marry me?

What is that?

Is that a ring?

It's a picture of a ring. I don't have any money,

but when I do, I'll get you any one you want from the catalogue.

You're a knobhead, aren't you?

Yes. But I'm your knobhead.

I suppose you are.

Please, God, no.

You sleep, little one. You're better off away from all these schmendriks.

Millie. This is Arthur. He's my boyfriend.

Am I?

Until further notice, yes.

Now, kiss me and we'll show

Mrs Power Assisted Wheelchair just how much life we've got left in us.

# They've got cars big as bars

# They've got rivers of gold

# But the wind goes right through you

# No place for the old... #

I got me Christmas present, then.

Getting our Jack back?

No, getting rid of our Vicki.

# You were pretty

# Queen of New York City

TOGETHER # When the band finished playing

# They howled out for more

# Sinatra was swinging

# All the drunks they were singing... #

Howay. Let's dance.

We haven't danced since your stroke.

Well, I hope you can remember.

If you forget, just follow me hips,

Come on, then.

Oh, sit down, Ben.

No, come on, Susan.

# You're a bum, you're a punk

# You're an old slut on junk

# Lying there almost dead On a drip in that bed

# You scumbag, you maggot

# You cheap lousy faggot

# Merry Christmas, your arse

# I hope this is your last

# The boys of the NYPD choir... #

Best Christmas ever?

I was with you, so, of course, it was.

Ah!

# ..bells are ringing out

# For Christmas Day. #

# I could have been someone

# Well, so could anyone

# You took my dreams from me

# When I first found you

# I kept them with me, babe

# I put them with my own

# Can't make it all alone... #