Gas and Air Hebburn

Come on, man, Joseph, we've been sat here for ten minutes.

It's a people carrier, not Apollo bloody 13.

Hey, man, it's been a while.

I'm just familiarizing myself with the controls, like.

Look, remember what the doctor said?

If you can drive the car round the block twice,

-that shows your co-ordination's back on track.

-I'm not arsed about that.

Yeah, but if you do that, then he'll let you go to the pub.

If you can walk there by yourself.

Now, that I am arsed about.

In the deepest of ironies, you can't drink until you drive.

Aw, look at you, my little darling.

We didn't ever think you were going come out of that incubator.

But here you are, at last, home, where you belong.

Well, not really. His real home is at our house, isn't it?

Rookie mistake.

Listen to your mam, she's all confused

in the excitement, isn't she?

This is your home whenever you need it and if you ever need us,

we will always...

BUZZER GOES Oh, there's me timer. Bairn, anyone?

Oh, give him here.

That's three trays of blueberry cupcakes ready to come out.

Be nice to have some sort of affection for once.

-Are you all right, Dot?

-She's missing Arthur,

so, in time-honoured tradition,

she's making the rest of us feel miserable about it.

Well, it's a miserable world. Yes, it is.

And no-one cares about an old bird like me.

Well, why don't you tell me about it?

Well, Sarah, Arthur went to Canada to sort out his brother's affairs.

-PHONE RINGS

-Sorry.

Hello? Hi!

It's the university. Yes, yes, I can talk.

I thought Arthur would be home by now,

but it's been two months and...

..and of course you're fast asleep.

I'm not sure I'm ready.

Don't worry. We're not going to be hitting 88 miles an hour and going back in time.

-Although, we could drive to Jarrow, which in a way is back in time.

-Ha!

But, seriously, a couple of laps round the block

from the South-Tyneside Stig and you're one step closer to the pub!

Great!

I'll just get me mirrors sorted.

Oh, my God! I just got a call about my PhD

and you are now talking to a doctor!

That's brilliant!

-And...there's something else.

-Give it to me straight, Doc.

Very funny. They sent it over to Zurich University.

They've got a great psychology department over there.

Totally knew that.

And they've offered me a research post!

Just like that!

And they said that they'd pay all the relocation costs - everything.

What did you say?

I said no. Obviously. It'd mean moving the whole family

and we're settled here.

But aren't you proud of me?

Yeah, brilliant.

OK, Thelma. You have fun with Louise.

-Guess what, Sarah's passed her PhD.

-Really?

I bet she'll have a lot of use for that round here(!)

Mind, we might be needing a doctor after this.

To infinity and beyond!

Mam, do you think cupcakes know that they're cupcakes?

-That's deep.

-Right, Dot's trying to get AJ to sleep.

I managed to talk her out of using brandy.

Some big changes now the bairn's home, eh?

You'll probably be putting your career on hold. That's what I did.

But don't worry, as you can see, I came back in a blaze of glory.

Well, no need, actually, I had a call from uni and...

..I've passed my PhD!

BOTH: Eee!

So, does that mean you're a doctor now?

Ooh! It'd be good if I could get a quote off you.

You know, for the side of the box, saying my cupcakes make you happy.

If a proper doctor of psychology would put her name to them,

I'm sure it'd boost me sales.

Well, I haven't had my final mark,

so I'm not fully qualified yet.

But, when you are, will you be able to write prescriptions?

For some slimming pills, maybe?

Vicki, you're not overweight.

No, not for me, man. I'm perfect.

I meant for you! Just to get some of that chunk off you.

Vicki, I've just had a baby.

This will happen to you when you have one.

Oh, no, thanks. After seeing what it did to you,

my womb is closed until further notice!

OK.

So...how's everything going with your boyfriend?

Aw, Lindsay? Aw, he's lush, man.

He took us to the ballet the other night.

Really?! Did you enjoy it?

Aye. I got hammered.

And how's Gervaise dealing with the break up?

Gervaise? Oh, he's fine, man.

He's still singing down Swayze's, so he must be all right.

# When I hurt myself I think of you

# And when I curse myself It's cos of you

# And when I cry at night I go boo hoo, boo hoo. #

-Someone should do something.

-# Boo hoo, boo hoo! #

Get off, you're shite!

Aye, that's exactly what I had in mind.

# Boo hoo, boo hoo! #

Oi, Keith, put him out of his misery!

# Boo hoo, boo hoo! #

Hey, come on! I can't sing without me microphone!

EVERYONE CHEERS

Everyone! Me dad's coming in for his first pint since the stroke.

And it's a big thing for him, right, so don't make a fuss!

I want him to keep his dignity.

Howay! Come on, you're nearly there. Come on, not much further.

Yes, come on!

Run, Forrest, run!

I'll have a...

I'll have a...

A pint of bitter for me dad, please, Christine and an oxygen chaser. And I'll have a lager.

Right you are. Can I interest you in a cupcake?

-Local business made them.

-Tell her...

We've kind of come out to get away from cupcakes.

They've taken over me whole house.

Everywhere I look, I see cupcakes.

Then at night, in me dreams, I see cupcakes...

chasing us.

Some of them are as big as sheds.

I think it's the walk that did it.

Can't have been the pint, he's only had a sip. Oh, well, waste not, want not.

-Leave it.

-I thought you were asleep!

-I'm not asleep, I'm regrouping.

-Fair enough.

Right, I've got to go and talk to Sarah about something.

And all the excitement here's getting a bit much for me.

Lightweight.

-Lindsay, can you make sure this party animal gets home all right?

-It would be my honour.

And what would you know of honour?

Gervaise. How are you?

I'm in hell.

My mojo's gone, I think the crowds are picking up on my sadness.

It's turning their hearts against me.

I think it's their ears that are doing that.

Plus, to top it all off, someone's defaced the mural.

-Is that a beard?

-No, mate, it's balls.

Do you know what it feels like to have balls on your chin?

Oh, yeah.

-Are you mental, woman?

-Sorry?

You're going to let the job of your dreams slip away

just so your lad can stop here and knock about with us?

And work at a newspaper that's that bad it even employs my lad?!

I don't really see it like that.

Sarah, I'm qualified for one thing -

working at the old folks' home.

And I know I'm going to end up working there

until I end up living there.

But this... This is a chance for you to really make

something of yourself, man!

Get yourself away to Belgium, you daft tart!

Zurich's in Switzerland, Denise.

And Switzerland's in Belgium, Sarah.

God, I hope you don't patronise them as much when you get over there.

Hello, my angel!

Oh...and her friend, the devil.

You want to mind your mouth, pompom head.

This lass has sacrificed a whole career for you today.

Aye, I know that, I actually came home early to talk to her about it.

Look at her, man, just giving it up, just like that,

so you can stay here at your daft newspaper and write stories

about nowt that no-one wants to read. Ever.

Thanks for that, Denise, but I was

going to tell her that I couldn't give a toss about the newspaper.

You should be saying, "Do you know what? This Belgium could be the best thing that's ever happened to us.

"Put your best knickers in a carrier bag, we're leaving!" But will you say that, Jack? Will you? No.

Yes. That's exactly what I was going to say.

-Apart from the knickers bit.

-Really?

-Really?

Yes, if mouth here would let us get a word in,

I was going to say, "You should definitely take the job."

The newspaper's going down the pan, anyway. I'm just watching it go round the U-bend.

Are you're sure about this? What about your family?

You and that little lad upstairs in the nursery, you're me family now.

I've got to do what's best for us. Hang on, Belgium?

I'll...I'll explain later, come here.

DENISE SOBS

Are you crying, Denise?

Aw, bollocks, man, it's just so lovely.

It's me hormones, I've been having...

emotions. They reckon I should be shot of them once the baby's gone.

OK. So we're off to Switzerland!

Is your mum going to be all right with this?

Oh, shit.

Pauline, Pauline,

sometimes when we get bad news,

we throw ourselves into our work.

Well, you can throw yourself into cracking half a dozen eggs in that bowl.

I'm upset about Jack and Sarah going to Switzerland as well!

But we have to accept it's what's best for them.

Don't know what he's on about. Jack and Sarah going to Switzerland? I've never heard of anything so daft.

Don't bother, Joe, she won't listen.

Just like she didn't listen to me about the wallpaper in the hallway,

and look how that's come back to bite her.

Oh, I forgot to say, I have got us tickets

for that Croatian mime show this afternoon.

I know you're going to get a lot out of it.

Aye, I'll do some Jagerbombs just to make sure I'm out of it.

-Hang on. This afternoon?

-Yeah.

No, it's Gervaise's album launch this afternoon.

So? You don't have to be there.

Well, of course I do!

I'm the executive producer, I take this very seriously.

Oh, it's Big Keith. Eee, is that a...?

-Saveloy dip. They've just boiled them up.

-What are they?

It's like a sausage. But they boil it.

Then they take the bread bun and they dip it in the hot sausage juice.

Then they whack pease pudding on and then I am very happy.

-Oh, God, I could murder one. Do you fancy one, Lindsay, pet?

-Erm...

I thought you were all about new experiences and growing as a person?

Yeah, but I don't want to grow a tumour.

-You don't know what's in these things.

-How?

-It's definitely some kind of meat.

-I won't risk it, thanks.

How, man? I did all of that stuff that you wanted to do!

That opera would have been agony if I didn't bring me iPod.

And that charity ball... That was dead boring until we got lashed.

I'm sorry. You're right.

We should always be showing each other new things.

I think I'm going to die.

I know! Die and go to heaven.

Oh! I need a drink!

Now you're talking my language!

Mam? You all right?

Dad says you were having a bit of trouble accepting we're moving away?

"Moving away"! Listen to you! Have you heard them?

Jack, you're not going anywhere, you've got a new-born baby,

so you'll need your family here to help out.

And Dot who...brings her own special magic to any occasion.

It's inevitable, I suppose, everyone goes away, just like my Arthur.

That's kind of what they're here to talk to you about?

What? Dot?

You learn to block her out after ten...20 years.

Pauline. We are going away.

On Saturday, Mam. The flights are booked, the house is all packed up.

Look, can we have enough of this nonsense?

I've got a business to run here! And, look, see!

There, you're upsetting your father.

Pauline, they're going, they really are.

Well, he makes a better welder than he does a singer.

-You all right, Denise?

-Hi, Vic.

Right, shall we get a seat and get settled in? I'm feeling a proper session coming on!

Erm, Gervaise wants you to introduce him.

He's written down what he wants you to say.

Vicki, we have got theatre tickets.

It's an early show, five o'clock, so can we just get this over with

and be on our way?

All right, man! Howay then, let's get cracking. Where's Gervaise?

Behind that curtain.

Been waiting for over an hour for you.

Howay, just read it out, OK?

Right, you lot, settle down. There you go, pet, you crack on.

Yous all right?

"Thank you for coming to the launch of Gervaise's first debut album -

"Hot Guilt, by Gervaise,

"executive produced by Vicki Pearson!"

Woo!

"Gervaise knows that none of you

"have ever really believed in him and...

"..and to most of you he is a bit of a joke.

"But he'd like to say that sometimes it just takes one person

"to think you're special.

"And that person makes you carry on. And that person is..."

-me.

-Howay, man, get on with it!

We're waiting to do the meat raffle!

So, without further ado, please welcome to the stage...Gervaise!

# You, you're my rock You're the tick to my tock

# You're my pants I'm your socks

# I'm a rat, you're the docks You're my rock

# So let's roll together. #

Can we please get going now?

Nah, man, let's just sack it off -

I want to see how the first album I've ever executive produced

goes down with the public.

Come on, let's face it,

all you've done is roll a turd in some glitter.

You know what?

I'm starting to think maybe you're the glittery turd.

# You're like sex Sexy sex, sexy sex

# Sexy sex. #

Ohh! Ah!

Me bairn! I think it's coming!

Right. Out the way, come on. She's having a baby.

Denise! You all right? Do you want me to come with you?

Absolutely not. Ooh! It's like me uterus is being wrung out.

I think that is going to be a great experience for Denise.

It's really going to give her some depth.

Oh, for Christ's sakes!

Vicky. Vicky, wait!

# Yeah, baby, you know what I mean

# You're my rock... #

Aaah! Bur... Ah!

What?

You all right? What's going on?

I was putting it on, wasn't I?

I'm not sitting there listening to her

whinge her way through me night out.

-THEY LAUGH

-Right. Chips.

Oh, what the...? Bloody hell!

Ah-hah! Brilliant.

No, this is real. It's really...

Ah, yer bugger to hell...real!

Shit.

# You're my rock! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mam, I'm sorry this is hard for you,

but on Saturday, me, Sarah and AJ, we're all moving to Switzerland

for a life of properly funded academia and triangular chocolate.

Really?

On Saturday? To bloody Switzerland!

Even I picked that much up.

Joe, how could you keep this from us?

I never kept it from you.

I've been telling you again and again but you didn't listen,

cos for the last three months, you've had cupcakes for ears.

Oh, I knew a woman who had that. Turned out to be wax.

Aw, me bairns!

You're going away and I'm so sorry, I've let this stupid baking business

get in the way of everything, haven't I?

You've got four yeses.

Smoking, babes?

Yes, babes! I'm bloody smoking.

Look, what I said back there,

it's only because I want to help you to grow.

You know what, Lindsay, I think I'm sick of growing.

Funnily enough, I think I've outgrown growing.

What are you saying?

Well, everything you've taken us to has been dead boring.

I had to get your family drunk just so they'd stop talking

about house prices and what the best schools are.

Those things are important though.

Aye, but not to me.

SHE SIGHS

I just want us to have a laugh.

That's who I am.

And I adore who you are.

No, I think you adore what you think I might become,

if you knock all the rough edges off.

But...I'm proud of me edges.

They keep us...edgy.

OK, yeah, I suppose I can put up with that.

That's just it, I don't want to be with someone

if they're just putting up with us.

Please don't say it's over.

Look, flower...

..I feel for you,

I really do and it's not your fault.

You're just not from Hebburn.

Can we still be friends?

Why, like?

So this is goodbye?

Ta-ra, pet.

SHE CACKLES WITH LAUGHTER

Hang on. Here comes another contraction.

Time to ride the lightning!

Does it hurt? Does it hurt?

Nowt! I felt nowt!

BOTH LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY

You and your husband having fun, now you've found the gas and air?

BOTH CACKLE

Husband! She thinks we're married!

The baby's not even mine!

THEY CONTINUE TO LAUGH

What?

LAUGHTER SUBSIDES

CHEERING

A proper roast dinner for Jack and Sarah's last night in Hebburn.

-Joe why don't you carve with your reactivated arm?

-Aye.

Mind, it'll probably taste all cupcakey,

because that's the only thing that's been in that stove for six months!

The taste of home cooking - blueberry and choc chip chicken dinner.

It sounds good to me.

You're quiet tonight. Bit of an unexpected bonus.

I'm still reeling from the break up of me latest relationship, aren't I?

But for you, relationships are like buses, aren't they?

-They all break down eventually.

-Mam! Will you tell him!

Shush, yous.

Now, before we tuck in, me and your dad have got an announcement.

We are shutting down the bakery business.

DAD AND GRANNY DOT CHEER

Hold on, I thought the business was a dream come true!

You said you were like Erin Brockovich but with baked goods?

-Well, I...

-A dream?

More like a bloody nightmare!

-I realise I've been neglecting you all.

-Me most of all.

And yous are the most important things in me life.

Aww!

So that's it. It's gone.

It's time to move on.

-Aye, well, why don't you move on and get the gravy for the dinner?

-Oh!

Aren't you going to miss the money?

It never made any money. Oven on all day, the leccy bill

looked like an unemployment statistic.

Why you telling the midwife you're not the father?

Are you calling us a slag, while I'm having a baby?

No, I would never do anything like that.

Cos if you are,

I'll have this bairn, I'll jump off this bed

and I'll slap the very face off you.

No, look.

I can't be the father, because after Hutchy was born,

I had a vasectomy.

So, how am I pregnant then?

Well, did you sleep with anyone

just before me and you hooked up?

Oh, aye.

But why did you stay with us if you knew it wasn't your bairn?

I love you, Denise.

More than anything else in the world.

Well, you're... You're stupider than you look then.

Oh. Ohhhhh!

This one hurts. Ohhh-ho-ho!

Aha, lad!

Right, if you'll excuse me, I need to go upstairs.

I've got some books coming out in hardback.

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

-What's that?

-It's coming from outside.

# She was me

# We were one

# We were free

# And if there's somebody

# Calling me on...

Vicky! I think it's for you!

# She's the one

# And if there's somebody

# Calling me on

# She's the one... #

What are you doing?

I'm serenading you. It's what men in love do.

They shout to the whole world,

"I'm in love with Vicky Pearson, and I don't care who knows it!"

We know that now, gobshite! Just shut up!

Gervaise, I'm very touched.

And that's what I want. To touch you.

Howay, man, me arms are knacking.

I cannit do it!

Come on, pet, you can. It's only been 36 hours.

I cannit, man, Ramsey, please make it stop.

Make it sto-o-o-op!

What's wrong with you, man? Have you gone soft?

You cannit even give birth to a tiny little baby?

SHE STRAINS

Aaahhh!

Aaaaghhh!

SHE SCREAMS AND STRAINS

BABY CRIES

It's a girl!

A little girl?

Have we got a little girl?

And now, she has her mammy.

I'm a mammy!

And I'm the proudest dad in the world.

What we going to call her?

-Jack.

-What?

Jaq, with a Q.

Right. Is that French, like?

Aye, probably.

Look at you. Little Jaq with a Q.

-I love you.

-I love her too.

No. You, man. I love you, you goggle-eyed muppet.

Aye. Cushty.

I know I'm going to regret this,

but will you marry us?

It's a bit sudden, like.

SHE SPLUTTERS WITH LAUGHTER

Listen, Gervaise, I don't doubt your feelings.

But I think maybe I just need some time for meself, like.

You know, to be on me own for a bit.

But that's exactly what I want.

To be with you, when you're alone.

I can sing you something else, if you like.

What about an extended Cheryl medley?

What?

If you really loved us...

For now, you'll be happy with just friends.

With benefits?

More like friends on benefits.

You get yerself away, I'll probably pop in during the week.

Wednesday's my mid-week Motown Metal Mashup Mayhem.

See you Wednesday then.

You will.

Yeah.

MUSIC: "She's The One" by Robbie Williams

Howay.

# I was her

# She was me... #

Look, I think we both know you're going

because you can't handle the fact that I'm the favourite.

I'll miss you too.

Bye, sis.

Sis? I'm a sister, am I? I've always wanted a sister.

Anything but a brother.

Any last words, Gran?

-Arthur!

-Dorothy.

And what have you come round for?

To see if you missed me?

Not that I noticed.

Ah, young love.

Mam? Are you holding it in? Trying to be strong?

Mam, I love you. If we could make it work, we'd stay here.

He's right, Pauline, I was so frightened about coming here

and meeting you all and...now I'm frightened about leaving.

Wherever yous are, whenever you're sad,

there's always a cuddle waiting here for yous.

And about 200 leftover cupcakes!

By the way, I knitted this for AJ.

Oh, Pauline, it's gorgeous. Thank you so much.

What's with the little pocket on the back?

Mind, that's for when you've got the baby at customs.

You can stick all your passports and visas in the pocket.

Now, you'll ring us once you've checked in?

-And when you get to the departure gate?

-Yeah.

And when you land?

She's not very good at saying goodbyes.

There's one I've been practising for years.

-Bye, Mam.

-See you, darling.

You all set?

Aye. I'm just scared, like.

Well, if you didn't love them, you wouldn't be scared.

I mean, look at your sister.

I love her, but she terrifies me.

TAXI ENGINE STARTS UP

Mam. Plane tickets?

You cannit blame us for trying.

# When you get to where you wanna go

# And you know the things You wanna know

# You're smiling

# When you've said what you wanna say

# And you know the way You wanna play it

# You'll be so high you'll be flying

# I was her

# She was me

# And if there's somebody

# Calling me on

# She's the one. #