The Cinema Him & Her

This programme contains some strong language.

She was in her 40s. She was in the queue, sucking her thumb.

-Oh, don't! Filthy bitch!

-She must know it's weird, she must know that everyone who sees her, hates her.

How is it fun? How is sucking your thumb fun?

-Imagine where it's been.

-Up her arse.

What was that?

-It's been up her arse.

-HE LAUGHS

I don't understand where all my socks have gone.

I mean, she was wearing a wedding ring.

Oh, my God!

How could you marry someone who sucks their thumb?

Was she attractive?

No, of course not. She had her thumb in her mouth.

Do you think I should, um... Where've you gone?

-Oh, there you are.

-What was that?

Do you think I need a jumper?

I dunno.

She got off at Tottenham Hale

and me and this little boy looked at each other and smiled.

You shouldn't be smiling at little boys.

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

-Steve?

-I haven't got my wallet...

Or my phone.

-Have you got your keys?

-No.

BANGING

What's wrong?

We're locked out.

What?

We're locked out.

Oh, you silly wanker.

I haven't got my keys.

DRAWLY VOICE: OK, Steve.

Don't do impressions of my mum.

When are you going to get rid of all these?

When are you going to get rid of your mum?

-Someone's going to trip on them.

-Stand back,

-I'm gonna bash it down.

-No!

They'll charge us for the damage. I can do it.

I can do it perfectly well, thank you.

OK.

How's it working out for you?

Oh, if I just...

Ooh, nearly!

Give me a pin.

-Why would I have a pin on me?

-I'm gonna pick the lock.

When have you ever picked a lock?

-Oh, Becky.

-Oh, let me kick it.

No! And have you got a pin on you or not?

Course I don't have a pin on me.

Who goes around with pins in their pockets?

-BECKY LAUGHS

-What?

No, it's interesting. I didn't realise you did all your own stunts.

Why aren't you annoyed about the door?

I guess I'm just distracted by your hilarious T-shirt.

It's the only top I've got that doesn't smell of damp.

Oh, yes, it does!

Oh, bloody hell!

-Ooh, it's horrible, isn't it?

-It smells like my bum.

You should have dried it at the launderette.

Oh, my God! I didn't have enough 20p's.

Oh, hello.

All right.

Tidying.

STEVE GROANS

-How's your door, Steve?

-We're locked out.

Oh, no, that's a shame. You'll have to wait up here with me.

Oh, um, we'd love to...

No worries.

...But we're actually just heading to the cinema.

-No...no worries.

-My Uncle Dennis works there

-and his boss goes on lunch at one.

-Cool, yeah, I get it.

And we were just leaving,

but I got distracted because I was talking about adult thumb suckers.

It's OK, I get it.

And I forgot my phone, my wallet and my keys,

-so we're in a bit of a hurry.

-OK.

Otherwise we'd love to come up.

-Yeah.

-Don't worry, I get it.

-It's a bit mucky in there, anyway.

-Yeah?

Yeah, I was there in the flat and a pigeon got in.

Bloody hell.

Shat everywhere.

Then it died.

My dad sucks his thumb.

-Does he?

-Yeah, he's 94 and he sucks his thumb.

-Laura still sucks her thumb.

-Yeah, course she does.

She used to suck it all the time when she was little.

She got bullied about it.

Did she?

Yeah, it was terrible, poor thing.

They held her down and kicked her in the face.

SNIGGERING

Steve.

Steve!

-Did they?

-Yes, it was awful.

She was only seven.

CONTINUES SNIGGERING

Steve, it's not funny. My mum cried.

They kicked her in the face?

Yes, five of them!

LAUGHS LOUDLY

Why's that funny?

How is a seven-year-old getting kicked in the face funny?

CONTINUES LAUGHING

I dunno. It just is.

BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING

Come on, let me bash it down.

I don't want you to bash the door down.

Don't do that. Don't bash the door down, bloody hell. Just use my key.

What?

You can use my key.

Have you got a key to our flat, Dan?

Yeah.

Dan, why do you have a key to our flat?

It's from the last tenant, Ollie. I used to hang out with his dogs.

Do you use it now?

What's that?

Do you ever use the key?

-No, course not.

-Dan?

No, honest. Here it is.

In you go.

-Oh, Becks, I can't find my wallet.

-Oh, where did you last have it?

-I don't know.

-When I paid for the pizzas?

-I paid for the pizzas.

-DAN SINGS: # ...Come true What'll I do? #

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I hear you do all your own stunts.

Yeah, thanks, Dan.

Seriously, Steve, there's a bit of a whiff from your T-shirt.

Thanks.

I thought you'd want to know. I'd want you to tell me if I stank.

Last night, I got my foot stuck in a fence.

I was there ages.

There was nothing I could do about it.

Fuck, Cat Deeley's dead!

Oh, no. No, she's not.

I've looked there.

Sorry, Dan, can I, um...?

I've got it.

Oh.

Why have you got stamps in there?

In case I need to send a letter.

Can you call my phone?

Who are you going to send a letter to?

Sorry.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS

Ah, it's over here.

-Where is it then?

-Follow the ringtone.

I am doing that. I'm looking for it, you berk.

Berk?

Yes, berk.

Oh, I think it's hiding down here.

MUSIC STOPS

I'll call it again.

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

It's over here.

Hang on a minute.

Ah, got it.

-Hello, the Marshall residence.

-Come on.

-Oh, I've got two missed calls.

-Come on.

-Have you got everything?

-Yep.

Are you sure?

FARTS

Oh!

You changed your T-shirt then.

Yeah, well, I don't want people at the cinema thinking I'm a dick.

If anyone at the cinema even notices you exist,

I promise I'll give you £400 million.

Why do I never get any texts?

-You got one this morning.

-That doesn't count.

DOOR SHUTS

DOOR OPENS

How about you seeing her in a pair of your pants?

Oh, Becky!

Sorry, Dan. Forgot about you.

-GROANING ON COMPUTER

-Are you all right, Dan?

-Yeah.

-Sorry about that, forgot you were here.

Don't come in here.

D'you need a minute to clear the history?

OK.

Hello!

Ohh.

Can I...can I give you a hand?

No!

Shut up.

OK.

GRUNTING

Here, take my arm.

-Here.

-Leave me alone.

I'm not an imbecile.

Why are so many old people posh?

Aargh!

Oh, come here.

-Seriously.

-Get your hands off me!

Bloody fucking pussy-lickers!

MRS BAILEY GROANS

Pussy lickers!

LAUGHING

-Are you all done?

-Yeah, sorry.

I just...

Nothing depraved, just women with...

-I don't want to know.

-OK.

See you later then, Dan.

I'm not following you.

Careful of the boxes.

Just putting Alison in the bins.

Unless you want to do it.

She hasn't got a head, but she's nice to cuddle.

I'm all right, thanks, Dan.

-Becky?

-I'm OK, thanks.

No problem. See you later.

DOOR OPENS

-I forgot my bag.

-Whoops.

FOOTSTEPS

I can't believe that.

DOOR OPENS I can't bloody believe it.

WOMAN: How can a banana cost that?

I've never paid more than 30p for a banana. It's bloody ridiculous.

Oh, they still haven't got rid of their effing boxes!

Oh, they're such wankers, I hate them!

They're such a pair of lazy, bloody arseholes!

Oh, calm down.

I can't effing calm down!

DOOR SLAMS

LAURA: My God, We had such an amazing time, Becks.

It was so hot, like really hot. It was on the equator.

We had to wear hats, and the hotel was amazing, wasn't it, Paul?

PAUL: They had Wi-Fi.

And all the staff were very respectful, you know?

Knew their place and did as we said.

The adult pool had a diving board in it.

He didn't stop diving, Becks. Mind the boxes, Paul.

Laura did a dive and all the men wolf whistled at her.

-Paul, you're embarrassing me.

-Seriously,

every man round that pool had a stiffy.

It's not for me to say.

We're actually just on our way to the cinema, Laura. Sorry.

Oh, Becks, the cinema's open 24/7. Let's go inside and look at our photos.

Oh, no, we do really want to see them, definitely.

But we need to be at the cinema before Dennis's boss comes back.

What?

Let us in.

I've got a new best friend, Adriana.

She was in charge of the entertainment at the hotel.

Beach games, water sports, Macarena.

She's so fit, Gazza fucked her.

Have you got your key?

No.

Oh, I can't find it.

And I got poorly. Didn't I, Paul?

Yeah, she had one of those 24-hour superbugs.

Hmm, I think I ate a bad peach.

Me and Paul booked this trip to the ruins,

but obviously I couldn't go because I was on the lavatory.

So Adriana took my place.

Yeah.

-Did you have fun at the ruins?

-Yeah.

It was good.

-No, they were good ruins.

-Mm.

-Found it?

-Um...no.

-No.

-Have you got your key?

Er...

Becks, can you let me in, please? I'm claustrophobic.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, Becks, Spain is so camp!

Every Spaniard we met was either gay or a woman.

And they eat so much paella, the Spaniards, they can't get enough of it.

They have it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, seven days a week.

-And siestas.

-Yeah,

they have all these siestas,

which means all the little locals, all the camp little Spaniards,

they sleep during the day and come out at night.

It's like a tradition. It goes back, like, millions of years.

STEVE: That's very interesting. Shall we, er...?

-PAUL: Have you been to Spain, Steve?

-No, Tenerife, but not...

LAURA: Oh, tell them about the dogs, Paul.

They've got these mental dogs that don't have any parents

and they eat shit and bark at you.

Paul made friends with one of them.

Yeah, Sparky.

-He liked bacon, didn't he, Paul?

-Yeah, ham.

-And croissants.

-Yeah.

LAURA AND PAUL CONTINUE CHATTING

Becks! I want to show you our photos.

OK.

STEVE SIGHS

We're going to have to look at her photos.

Can I touch your tits?

Yes.

We have to be nice about their photos.

OK.

I'll text Uncle Dennis, let him know we're running late.

PAUL: I wanna do it. No, Laura, You'll get it all wrong.

I won't, Paul.

Yes, you will.

Sparky.

Steve, this is Sparky.

Ooh, wow!

Look at it properly, Steve. It was Paul's friend.

-CLEARS THROAT

-Oh, yeah. Oh, he looks lovely.

Becky?

Yeah, nice.

He was a real ladies' dog. Proper buff.

And also, just... just a very brilliant dog.

He looks it.

Paul cried when we had to come home.

It was the end of an era.

That's our room.

There was this crusty old bitch that cleaned it.

-That's me watching Sky.

-They had all the Sky movies and they had MTV,

but it was foreign, and Disney channel...

-But they didn't show Micky Mouse once.

-No!

Paul's going to write to Walt Disney about it.

That's our room from the balcony.

That's the door that leads to the bathroom.

Toilet, the bath, the sink.

-The hot tap was really hot, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Was it?

-Yeah, we had to mix in some cold.

OK.

That's me in the mirror. '70s night.

THEY LAUGH

Don't know what that is.

Me in a wig.

Laura crying.

Some fat bloke we used to punish.

Him and his wife were well fat. Really old as well.

-Didn't get involved in anything.

-Yeah, we hated them.

Everyone in our little gang did.

I hate shy people.

A lizard.

The sea.

-A bigger lizard.

-Mm.

This bloke we used to see looked like Des Lynam.

-LAUGHING

-Yeah.

GIGGLING

Oh, that's Adriana.

Oh, she looks nice, Paul.

Yeah.

Yeah. We're organising a sing-along.

That's me and my dinner.

Laura and her dinner.

That's me after my dinner. Look how full I am!

Me doing one of my dives.

Laura reading.

-LAUGHS

-Me dressed as a pirate. It was pirate night.

A funny rock.

My collection of shells.

Oh, this was Ferdinando, or something.

He was this short little Spaniard who was there on his own.

-Small bloke, wasn't he, Laura?

-Yeah, he was small.

-Smallest bloke in Spain?

-Yeah.

Laura in her bikini.

One of the barmen had a motorbike and let us use it for the shoot.

She kept getting beeped at, didn't you?

Yeah. And people were shouting stuff.

It was brilliant, Becks.

We got one of the scaggy old maids to oil me.

-Very nice.

-Mmm!

-D'you like them, Becks?

-Yeah.

I'm going to start a portfolio, aren't I, Paul?

She's going to be the next Pamela Anderson.

Yeah.

PAUL CHUCKLES

Do you like this?

It was only a fiver.

Yeah, it's lovely.

Carry on, Paul.

I think we're coming to the end of them now.

And these are just in the airport.

OK. Well, what a lot of excellent photos.

Thanks for showing us. Been lovely to see you both, but we...

-Give them their present, Paul.

-Oh, yeah.

Now, I know you've gotta go, Steve,

but Paul went to a lot of effort to get this.

Oh, that's nice.

It's shower gel and shit.

Thank you.

Oh, wow, thanks, Paul.

There's biscuits in there, too.

-Thanks.

-We made friends with the skanky maid

so she'd give us more.

Yeah, and I raided her trolley.

That's really nice of you.

-Thanks, Paul.

-No worries.

You'd do it for me.

OK, you can go now, Becks.

Me and Paul are going to go round Shelly's and give her her sombrero.

Well, thanks for coming round, Laura.

Glad you both had such a nice time.

-You didn't mention my tan, Becks.

-Yeah, looks great.

Thank you. Arm, give me your arm.

-See?

-Yeah.

So when are we going to see you next?

-Dunno, soon?

-Thursday?

-Are you around, Thursday?

-Maybe.

Or Friday. We could do something Friday.

-OK.

-I'm also free Tuesday and Wednesday.

-Great.

-So Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday or Friday then.

-Yeah.

-Cool.

I'll put it in my new calendar.

-PAUL: Did you bring the dongle So we can show them to Shelly?

-LAURA: Yes, Paul.

Dan, we're off now.

Yes, yeah. Definitely, yes.

Or I could go and get the photos from when I went to Hastings?

We're just about to leave, Dan.

All right.

Plymouth?

Come on.

Sorry, I'm just trying to think what I'm going to do for the rest of the day.

Internet? Go on the internet.

No, my laptop's covered in pigeon shit.

Anita?

No, she's in Aberdeen.

-Aberdeen?

-What's she doing there?

Who knows?

It's dry.

Thanks.

Right, I'll go and collect my parcel.

OK.

Bye, then. BOTH: Bye!

Ain't it annoying when you have to be nice to people?

-Have you got everything?

-Yes.

Come on.

Wait! Oh, keys.

No. Wallet.

Sorry, come on.

-DOOR SHUTS

-So, what films are on?

I don't know, we'll just see whatever's on when we get there.

Hang on a minute. I'm going to get cold, aren't I?

You'll be fine, Steve, it's sunny.

DOOR OPENS

Doesn't mean it's warm.

Can we just go to the cinema?!

Say it in a deep voice.

DEEP VOICE: Can we just go To the cinema?

-CHUCKLES

-Yes.

Come on, we are so late.

CLATTERING, SCREAMING

-Oh, bloody hell.

-Fuck!

MRS BAILEY: Help me!

GROANS

Oh, God!

It's 20 past.

Bloody shit-eating dog-fuckers!

-We could go to the cinema tomorrow.

-He doesn't work Tuesdays,

-we'd have to pay.

-I'm not paying to watch a film.

MRS BAILEY GROANS

Shall we just leave her?

GROANING: I need my Alfred.

Help me.

-Hi. Are you OK?

-No.

We didn't see you down there. Are you OK?

What happened?

Your boxes, I slipped on your bloody boxes,

you fucking rapist!

Rapist!

Fucking pussy-licker!

Fucking minge-fingering animal pussy-lickers!

I'll call an ambulance.

-GROANING

-Ah! Fucking...rapist pussy-lickers!

# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang

# Boom-bang-a-bang When you are near

# Boom-bang-a-ban-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away, I'm gonna stay my whole life through

# Boom-bang-a-bang-bang Close to you. #