The Split Him & Her

Becks, it's Julie Taylor. Her little brother's missing.

-I called him and it went to answerphone.

-Oh...

Be serious, Steve.

He hasn't been taking his medication.

He's bipolar.

-I'm bipolar.

-My mum called,

said Edward's missing, and I just burst into tears.

You should have seen her, Becks. She basically went bananas.

-I had to slap her in the face.

-Could he be at your nan's?

-Shut it, Steve.

-Well, he used to stay at his nan's.

My Kieran ran away from home,

and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

He was gone for two days

-and it felt like...

-Shelly,

can you stop breathing on her? Take a mint, or something.

It's unbearable.

I remember this duvet.

We bought it together, didn't we?

God! Crazy days.

Becks, get Julie a drink.

-She's been crying.

-Yeah, could I get a glass of squash, please, Becky?

-Yeah, of course.

-Thanks, Becky.

And thanks, Steve.

I knew you'd want to help him.

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Does she think she can just come round here?

They've been in the sink.

Eurgh! (SPLUTTERS)

I've eaten sink juice.

Why didn't you put them in the bin?

Because it's boring.

Is it me, or does Laura think crying makes you thirsty?

(SPLUTTERS)

-Julie's annoying, isn't she?

-Yeah.

I am worried about Edward, though, in this weather.

Hmm, I'd be tearing my hair out.

He's really fragile, Becks.

And he got kicked out the Cubs.

And she didn't help. She's enough to make anyone bipolar.

He just needs someone normal in his life, like us.

Someone to mentor him and teach him about the ways of the world.

What?

The ways of the world?!

Yeah.

What do we know about the ways of the world?

-We sit in bed all day.

-I know about life.

-I'm 24.

-SHE LAUGHS

Wow.

Why are you being like this?

I'm not being like anything.

Oh, OK.

THUNDER RUMBLES

I was looking forward to us eating that.

Hmm.

-How can that be £2?

-Hmm.

It's got cherries in it.

You all right in there?

Yeah.

It's quite fun watching your ex-girlfriend cry.

Yeah?

It's her little brother, though, innit?

Hey, hey!

Did you smell her? She stinks of perfume.

-HE LAUGHS

-Well, she works on a perfume counter.

Yeah, I know.

-LAURA:

-Some people are happy in their lives, like me and Paul are,

and some people are unhappy in their lives,

like your brother is. Or Shelly.

But we have to remember that whatever will be, will be.

Everybody lives

and everybody dies.

-Hmm.

-She's right.

Sorry, Stevie. I asked for a glass.

Oh, sorry.

I always drink squash out of a glass. You should know that.

Get her a glass, Stevie.

Yes, sorry.

-I'll...I'll get a glass.

-Thank you.

Stevie would forget his head if it wasn't screwed on.

-What are you doing?

-Washing up.

Why are you doing that?

Look at it.

-HE LAUGHS

-OK, this is a first.

Oh, great(!) Now everything's going to get washed in squash.

Well, er, you'll be doing the squashing up.

Wow! That is one of the worst jokes I've ever heard.

Ah, you'll be doing the squashing up.

Do you actually find that funny?

Ha-ha-ha! You laughed.

At you. I'm laughing at you.

How is she?

Pretending to cry?

-No, she's better.

-That's a shame.

Could you do me a glass?

She wants it in a glass.

Can you hurry up with that drink, Steve? She's been crying.

Yep, just doing it.

Poor Edward.

So sad.

If he's not back by sundown, we should organise a search party,

search the woods.

-You always find them in the woods.

-Yeah.

-Heard from Paul?

-Yes, yeah.

He's cute.

The course is really good, so they all stayed and worked through the night.

Yeah? What kind of course is it?

Oh, I don't know. You know what these courses are like.

I'm sure he told me, but...

Brain like a sieve! Butter wouldn't melt.

It's just a course, isn't it? An awayday,

brainstorming, breaking the ice.

I'm sure they just learn about stuff. You know, Ryman's, stationery,

buying, selling, buy, sell, buy, sell.

Woof, woof, wow, wow... (SNORTS) ...nee-naw, nee-naw!

Aagh!

SHE LAUGHS

I might have a fun little surprise for him when he gets here.

Hmm?

Hurry up, Stevie.

All right?

Yep.

-The last thing Edward needs is Laura.

-Absolutely.

If only he'd had you as a mentor, he'd be a millionaire by now,

not bent over a hedge getting fingered by tramps.

Uh...

Now, now, come on.

-Now, now?

-Yes.

-Since when did you say "now, now"?

-I think you're being a bit mean.

We spend our lives being mean.

There's some things you don't make fun of.

-No, there's not.

-Yes, there is.

-Like what?

-Er, missing mental people,

crime victims, the disabled.

-You love disabled jokes.

-No, I don't.

What about your screensaver?

DOORBELL

Knowing my luck, that'll be another one of my ex-girlfriends coming up here.

We'll have Debbie coming up here, or Lisa Healey or Tabitha.

Or it could be one of my exes. It could be Lee or Pete Gilbert,

-or Danny Connor or Adam.

-OK!

OK.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

DOORBELL

How did you meet someone called Tabitha?

She worked in Waterstone's.

Posh bitch.

Tell him he looks better. Tell him, Steve. He won't listen to me.

What?

Um... How do you mean?

Jesus Christ! Do you think he looks better now, like this,

or when he had that hair and that beard and he looked like

a fucking child-killer?

Um...

He's been crying, Steve.

Seriously! Show me a grown man that cries.

Please just tell him he looks better, Steve, darling,

because in a minute I'm going to blow my fucking face off.

You look nice, Dan.

Thank you.

Where's your Hoover?

Behind the fridge.

Ugh! The voice.

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

DOOR SLAMS

-Come in.

-Thanks, Steve.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Fucking hell!

Sorry.

Steve... Ooh, very nice.

Thank you.

Sorry.

It's OK.

Don't worry.

I just... I want my hair back.

Oh, mate.

It'll grow back.

You shouldn't let her speak to you like that.

I know.

She's lucky to have me.

Do you want to touch my head?

No.

It's smooth.

No, you're all right.

Do...do you want us to, um...?

Yeah.

-Anything from Edward?

-This is a bit strong, Stevie.

Blimey! You know I like it weak.

Sorry. Do you want more water in it?

No, don't worry. I'll live.

All this worry - it's going to give me wrinkles.

By the end of the day, I'll look like Shelly!

SHELLY GUFFAWS

Look at me, Steve.

Worst day of my life, and I'm still funny.

LAUGHTER

Bloody hell.

HOOVER DRONES

-Do you remember my cat Bilbo?

-Yeah.

Course he does, he named him.

Steve loved Bilbo, didn't you?

-Yeah, he was nice.

-Aw. He had a lovely sense of humour.

Sounds great.

When can I meet him?

Well, unfortunately, Becky, he passed away.

-Oh, Julie babes.

-Julie...

And I think it was actually the emotional trigger

for a lot of the problems building up inside of Edward.

-He always had problems.

-Hmm.

They kicked him out of Cubs...

Didn't they?

Oh, my Lord! What happened?

Anita did it.

Do you want to touch my head?

I'm all right.

OK.

How have you been?

You know...

Yeah.

You look nice.

-No, I don't.

-You do.

Your hair's nice, and your clothes.

They're always nice.

I like your face.

I don't know.

I think my tits are nice.

Yeah.

Of course.

What have you got that for?

Oh, my breath's a little bit smelly.

Oh, right.

Shelly?

DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY

Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Is it him, Steve? Is it Edward?

It's not him.

Hello, Anita.

Oh, no.

MUFFLED VOICES FROM HALL

She's fat. You don't want to meet her.

Come here.

ANITA: I hoovered up your hair. Gagged about eight times.

Take that thing off and get upstairs.

-And how are you, Anita(?)

-Oh, I'd be fine

if I wasn't going out with a dog.

I don't think you should speak to Dan like that.

Go, Shelly.

ANITA: Oh, I wondered if it spoke(!)

I can speak, actually.

At what age did your brain die?

-(SNIGGERS)

-I shouldn't laugh.

I didn't even know she had a brain.

SHELLY: Please don't speak to me like that. I have my rights, as a person.

Hmm. They're called human rights.

-STEVE:

-Let's all calm down.

-Aw, listen to Steve.

-He ain't changed a bit.

-Aw.

ANITA: I haven't even started yet.

I think you should stop being so mean to everyone.

Oh, look at it! Great clothes, great brain,

clearly scintillating conversation,

but most importantly, what every girl needs -

breath that smells of horse shit.

Anita!

I can't stand this. Can you make her leave?

-I'm getting one of my headaches.

-Right.

CLEARS HER THROAT

Excuse me, everyone.

ANITA: Get upstairs, Dan.

Shut the door behind you.

SHELLY: ...I think that's a very good idea.

Who the flaming hell do you think you are?

MUFFLED ARGUMENT CONTINUES

PHONE RINGS

Can I call you back?

All right. Bye.

You do know he asked me to marry him, don't you?

No, he didn't.

OK, then.

I said no.

ANITA: Uncle Graeme is a good-looking man,

and if she had the chance to fuck him,

she would do it every minute of the day in every orifice she could find.

You stop being horrible about Shelly or I will kill you.

Come on, Dan. I'm fed up of speaking to spastics.

I'll come down on you like a ton of bricks.

ANITA: Dan, get upstairs now,

or you can stay here with this mong

and that fanatic we both know is exactly like your mother,

except she's even thicker than your mother, and even more of a slag!

SHE SOBS

Oh, stop crying!

You people make me so angry! You're just disgusting little chavs,

living your paltry little lives, eating shit food and watching the television!

And you're the worst of the lot, because you're old

and you're hanging out with people half your age.

And you have nothing!

You're fat, you're ugly, you disgust me.

Why don't you shut up, you silly, fat bitch?!

OK.

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

DOOR SLAMS

Was that too much?

No, it was good.

I'm worried it was a bit harsh.

It was good.

Yeah.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, good. I need a wee-wee.

You're nothing like my mum.

I don't want to think about it.

Seriously. She's Northern.

PAUL: Steve.

SHELLY: I don't want to think about it, to be honest.

Hello, Paul.

How was the course?

I haven't been on a course, have I, you prick!

I've met someone, Steve. I'm in love.

Right.

She's called Masoomah, she's 17.

Oh, God.

She's from a family of proper hard-core Muslims.

Oh, my good God.

Like proper hard-core - capes and veils,

not like these pussy ones that wear jeans, and drink.

-Paul!

-She's short,

she's fit, she's got a prayer mat...

and I'm going to marry her on it.

OK, where do I start?

I'm not going to live a life of lies, Steve.

The moronity of it all.

Where's Laura?

- SHELLY: She's in the bathroom. - PAUL: Brilliant.

She's got my telly. Oi, don't take my telly.

Hurry up in there, Laura. I've got something I want to say.

-LAURA:

-Hi, there, lover.

-DAN: Anita!

Oh, my God, Becks, did you hear all that?

Hey! I thought we were meant to eat that together?

I know what we can have with it.

Laura, I need to speak to you.

Be patient, Paul, my darling.

BELL RINGS

Anita is so horrible.

Apparently, she'll eat a whole tin of corned beef, as a snack. Dan told me.

380 grams.

She'll just crack open a tin

and eat it with a teaspoon. Can you imagine

what that's doing to her insides? 380 grams of corned beef a day.

That's... In a week, that's...

-Are you shitting?

-No, Paul, I'm a lady.

Um, that's...

...nearly 4 kilograms.

Bloody hell!

She eats 4 kilograms of corned beef a week!

Well, I guess that's a lot.

I've no idea how big a kilogram is.

How big's a kilogram, Becks?

What's that? Bag of sugar? That's...

You OK? Or am I being the world's biggest idiot again?

Oh, my God, Becks, what's happened?

Did you ask her to marry you?

Julie, can I have a word?

JULIE: Oh, wow. Someone's all excited.

Right, Laura, I have an announcement to make.

No, Paul, me first.

Becks, you'll want to hear this.

Right, fine. I'll say it now, because who gives a fucking shit?!

-Language, Paul.

-Oh, shut up!

-Paul, you're being noisy.

-Don't speak like that to me!

I'll speak to you how I like, Paul. I'm pregnant.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am, Paul.

No, you're fucking not.

Oh, yes, I am, Paul.

SHE LAUGHS

You're not really, though, are you?

Yes!

Aren't I amazing?

I'm someone's mummy.

Wow, well done.

Sorry...

Yeah.

Amazing! Congratulations.

I'm going to give birth in a bath.

You'll have to get in with me,

and we'll name it and raise it and love it

and dress it. We'll have it immunised

and feed it milk.

Oh, Julie babes, we'll have so much fun.

Julie...

Sorry, I've got to tell Julie. She's going to be the fairy godmother.

Julie babes, I've got something I want to tell you.

Julie!

Wait, Julie.

Paul, my mum's on the phone. She wants to speak to you.

Come on.

Speak to her.

It's my bike.

I was going to sell that.

Can you believe the rain?

She's gone.

She won't be coming back.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Look at me.

I was 18.

It was Tenerife. It wasn't even a real ring, it was one of those sweets.

You know pick 'n' mix. I don't know what they're called but they're usually red.

Strawberry.

Pretty small, chewy... Shaped like a ring.

They're really nice.

Yes, OK, I know them.

Right.

It was nothing.

It wasn't like you and me.

Becks!

Leave it, it'll dry itself.

-(HIGH-PITCHED)

-Would it help if I did a silly voice?

How did you feel when she said no?

HE SIGHS

I was gutted.

HE SIGHS

I was. I was completely gutted.

Of course I was, I'd just been dumped. I'm not going to lie to you.

But it...

It doesn't mean anything.

If I'd have known that you existed,

I would have never have given a shit about it.

It's not like I loved her. I was just...used to her.

SHE SOBS

I don't think she's ever made me laugh.

All I wanted to do today is help Edward, cos he's just a boy who needs helping,

that's all.

I was being a Good Samaritan.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Why are you quoting the Bible?

No.

What do you mean, a Good Samaritan?

Not from the Bible, it's just a saying.

That comes from the Bible.

It's not from the Bible.

It's from the Samaritans. It's a phone company.

Laura's pregnant.

Is she?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. That kid's going to be total nightmare.

-They'd better not bring it round.

-Hmm, fuck that.

Why would anyone want to marry Julie?

And Bilbo?

I'm not like that any more.

I don't know what you're like.

I've only known you nine months.

You might turn out to be a serial killer.

You might be one of these men that meets women, rapes and kills them,

boils them in the bath and then eats them.

I wish I was - that sounds brilliant.

Thanks for getting rid of her.

It was good, wasn't it?

I quite enjoyed it. I felt all manly.

Thank God you're not manly.

I'm manly.

No, you're not.

Do you want to do something?

Do you wanna get out the house?

I know it's wet, but we can get on a bus, ride about.

Get a bit of fresh air, go out of town.

Anything you want. We can do some shopping, go Nando's.

It's a bit stuffy in here, innit?

Might be nice to get out the flat.

HE CHUCKLES

# Come closer and cuddle me tight

# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang Boom-bang-a-bang

# When you are near

# Boom-bang-a-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through

# Boom-bang-a-bang Close to you. #