The Ring Him & Her

This programme contains strong language.

Are you a lunatic?

-All right, Dan?

-I've moved in.

-Congratulations.

-It's a little something to welcome Becky to her new home.

-Thanks.

Paul's asked me to be his best man.

But you don't even like each other.

Yes we, do.

You taken your pill?

Yes, Paul.

I think you're great, Dan.

Go on.

I think you're a wonderful human being.

Don't speak like that to me.

I'll speak to you how I like Paul, I'm pregnant.

I hate everyone.

HE BURPS

Rogan josh?

Very good.

Do you want some crisps?

No.

They're beef.

Urgh.

They were half price. He had them by the till.

Can you get me a water?

Yep. I'll just get it. I'll see you in a minute.

I know you're still in here. I can hear you eating.

Steve.

Will you get them out?

No.

Can I get them out?

Can you please get me some water?

I'm going to be sick.

That's got bubbles in it.

What've I missed? Has anyone died?

I don't care.

I want water.

Becks!

What's been happening in Doctors?

Becks!

Oh, shit!

SHE WRETCHES AND COUGHS

TOILET FLUSHES

You OK in there?

It came out my nose.

Urgh!

What was it like?

Porridge.

Nice.

Feeling better?

Yeah.

Good.

Probably leave it a bit.

Yeah.

God, you should've seen me on my 21st.

Yeah. You've said.

We'd been drinking all day

and I was just pissed of my face cos we'd been drinking since one.

I know! I remember you saying.

And I went off from everyone else for some unknown reason

and they found me like an hour later in that bit behind Paddy Power

lying naked in the bins!

Or by them.

Yeah! I remember you saying.

There was this mattress, I was just lying there, apparently,

cos I don't remember a thing about it -

I'd taken my clothes off and I was sound asleep.

Basically naked. By the bins!

Ugh! Amazing, yeah.

I told my mum about that.

What?

You told your mum I was found naked by the bins?

-Yeah.

-What d'you tell her that for?

I thought she'd find it funny.

And did she?

Not really.

Brilliant. Thanks for that.

She thought it was weird.

Of course she thought it was weird! I was lying naked by the bins!

Why do you tell your mum that?

That's not a thing you'd tell your mum. That's amazing.

Tell her about the nice things I do.

Tell her about the plant. No, don't tell her about the plant.

Don't tell her I spent four quid on it.

Tell her I was found naked by the bins.

I bet she's told your dad. He'll use that against me.

Course he will. That's the sort of thing he'll bring up in his speech.

What speech?

Have you seen my Kit Kats?

What d'you mean speech?

I didn't mean speech.

Wedding speech?

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Laura.

Steve.

No! Of course not!

I just I suppose I mean if he ever did a speech

that's the sort of thing he'd bring up.

Because he's such a bastard.

When would he do a speech about you apart from at our wedding?

That really hurt.

Good.

Hello, Laura!

Here he is.

Isn't he handsome? I've already got a crush on him.

Ah! He's lovely.

He's only two inches long. Imagine that.

I could keep him in my handbag. Paul reckons he saw his bell end.

It was massive.

All right, Laura.

Becks, meet your nephew.

Ah.

Ah! Isn't he lovely?

He weighs half an ounce.

I wish I weighed half an ounce.

-But he'll get bigger. Won't he, Laura?

-Yeah.

I've grown a moustache.

Yep.

What d'you think of him?

Ah. He's very cute, isn't he?

Fit?

Sorry?

D'you think he's fit?

Yep.

Good. Get dressed, Steve. We're going for a picnic.

I've got a hangover, Laura.

No, you don't.

I'll phone Shelly. Find out what the fuck she thinks she's doing.

Turn the telly off, Paul.

Picnic?

We're not going to go.

I don't want to go for a picnic.

She'll make us play frisbee. There'll be insects.

We're not going to go, Steve.

What are you doing?

I've got a headache.

Here.

Oh, thanks.

Fair enough.

You meant wedding speech, didn't you?

No! I swear on my mum's life! You're being mental.

Hey, Becks. We've brought a frisbee.

Oh. Brilliant.

We thought we could make some friends in the park.

Get a bit of a gang together and have a massive game of frisbee.

-Yeah. Sounds great.

-Excellent.

You haven't congratulated Paul on his moustache, Becks.

Oh. Sorry. Congratulations.

Thank you, Becky. Yeah. I've also trimmed my pubes.

Oh, good.

Say something nice about it.

It's a really, really, really nice moustache.

Thank you, Becky.

He's allowed to have it for a week and then he's going to shave it.

I'm not fucking shaving it.

You ready for the picnic, Steve?

Um, nearly.

What we've done is, we've brought the frisbee

so we thought you two could maybe bring the food.

Just some bits and pieces, some sausage rolls, a Toblerone.

Give them the list.

If I've written it in capitals, it means I want loads of it.

PHONE RINGS

Loo roll?

We've run out.

Hello, Shelly. Where the fuck are you?

One minute, Shell.

Go on.

'I'm so sorry, Laura.

'I was just saying it's been a really busy morning.

'I had to go to the Post Office. And...

'Sorry, I just... I had to go to the Post Office.

'So I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

'I lost track of the time and I was at the Post Office.

'I know you're going to be angry at me

'but I really can't wait to see the scan.'

OK. Bye then.

Steve, you haven't congratulated Paul on his moustache.

Congratulations on your moustache.

Thank you.

Ask him about it.

How long did it take to grow it?

About a week?

Bit more.

Er, ten days?

Bit less.

Eight days?

Bit more.

Nine days.

Great.

DOORBELL RINGS

Now go...

Go to Sainsbury's, get the picnic food

and stop being such an ugly C-word.

DOORBELL RINGS

You might want to do something with your hair, Becks.

You look like such a rotten old C-word.

Thanks.

Hello, Shelly. That was quick. You had trouble at the Post Office?

Oh, right.

Wow.

OK.

You'd better come in.

Thanks.

You've got your...

Oh, thanks.

You, you won't tell Laura, will you?

No. Of course not.

Thanks.

I'm so sorry for being late, Laura.

Yes, Shelly. We heard.

I had to go to the Post Office.

Who goes to the Post Office dressed like that?

You had a nice morning?

It's been bloody brilliant.

Here he is - the world's next megastar.

Aw! He's lovely. Congratulations.

How d'you know it's a boy?

I saw his bell end.

They've done all their tests and all their scans

and they said he's all right. He's not faulty.

Oh, how lovely.

Yeah.

I'm so pleased for you.

I know.

We'd been drinking since like ten in the morning so I was pretty pissed.

-Yeah.

-And then for some reason, around midnight,

I slope off, pissed out my head, no-one can find me.

They looked everywhere.

-Yep.

-They looked in the gents. They looked in the ladies!

They called my mobile, no answer.

And why was there no answer? Because later they found me...

It's a rubber.

And have you agreed on a name yet?

Yes. We're going to name him Frank.

Frank's a lovely name.

It's a tribute to the late Anne Frank. The novelist.

Her books are fucking nuts.

Yeah.

Very nice.

What d'you think, Becks? D'you think he looks like a Frank?

Yeah. Definitely.

Ah!

ICE CREAM VAN TUNE PLAYS

You're buying me an ice lolly.

D'you want a plaster for your head?

Why, what's wrong with it?

Ah!

Sounds painful!

We had chicken for my dinner, Shell.

Oh. Lovely.

Yeah. We had it with potatoes.

Come on.

Thanks.

Nice plant.

Thank you.

How've you been? We haven't seen you all week.

Yeah, I've been good. Yeah. I joined a gym.

Oh. Very nice.

I've got a hangover.

Oh no.

I went out with Hayley, Kelly, Rebecca, that lot.

You shouldn't go to the gym on a hangover.

Right.

They've got these tellies, like really high up,

and we all watch them when we're doing stuff.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Yeah.

There's this bloke called Graham at the gym and he was saying I should...

Paul!

She seems very excited about the scan.

-Paul!

-Excuse me.

-Paul!

-Yes, darling! I'm coming!

-Paul!

-I'm coming!

-Have they gone?

-No.

How you feeling?

Really tired.

What were you drinking last night? What was it, Stella?

Then they made you have Sambuca? Jager bombs?

Get off.

-You should've had an egg before bed.

-I was too tired

Yeah, I could hear that. You were clumping about all over the place.

Get off.

You fell over in the toilet, didn't you?

Go and sit on the sofa and stop being an arsehole.

Are they getting me one?

Yeah.

I'd better get a Flake.

Picnic! A bloody picnic!

Why do you have to go outside to eat? You can eat in bed!

It's like these people you see that go for coffee.

You can drink coffee in bed.

There's no need to leave the house to do it.

And Pizza Hut.

You can get a man to bring your pizzas to your door

and you can eat them in bed.

There's no need to actually go to a Pizza Hut.

Unless you're having the salad.

But if you're going to Pizza Hut and you're having the salad,

then you're a fucking idiot.

Becks...

Have you finished?

Yeah.

I've had another wave.

I think I'm going to puke again.

You. Are. 100%...

..Filth.

Why d'you have to go outside just because it's sunny?

-Can you stop breathing on me?

-Sorry.

Why d'you have to go outside just because it's sunny?

I can't believe you thought I meant wedding speech earlier.

Oh, God...

SHE WRETCHES

All right?

Yes. Very good, thanks.

SHE SIGHS

Nice day, isn't it?

Yeah. Lovely.

We're going to go for a picnic with some friends.

Lovely.

Well it's the weather for it, isn't it?

Gotta make the most of it.

SHE COUGHS

Yes.

I'd better be off.

Bye.

Bye.

Dan!

Sorry.

Take it off!

Sorry.

Dan.

Sorry.

Ice creams are here!

I think everyone should just smile and be happy.

And then I'd get my forehead done. Because there's creases in it. Look.

I can't stand it. It's pathetic. And I'd like a smaller nose.

Or a bigger head. And better hands.

My hands are gross, too many fingers.

Cosmetic surgery.

There's an advert on the tube.

I went on the website

and they basically change anything you want them too.

Oh. Hello.

Hi.

I've just been in Flat B.

Oh, God.

It's disgusting in there.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Well...

I'm on my own. D'you want to come in?

I've got to go to the vet's.

If you don't want to come in, just say you don't want to come in.

Don't lead me on this merry fucking dance.

No, I do. I do.

But I've got to take Tiger to the vet's.

What's wrong with him?

Injections.

Again?

And then, when everything else is done,

if I can find the money, I'd like a new pair of legs.

Thanks for these. How much do I owe you?

They're a gift from Shelly. Where's Becks?

Becks!

No. Honestly. It's fine.

Thank you, Shelly.

Yeah, thanks.

Are you OK, Becks?

Becks. Are you OK in there?

She's not feeling very well.

Becks! Just answer me yes or no. Are you OK in there?

I'm fine!

You don't sound fine.

-OK, Laura!

-Are you being sick?

Yes.

We got you an ice cream!

Could you maybe go into the kitchen and close the door?

Sorry, I missed that.

-I think she wants us to move into the kitchen.

-It's a lovely day outside!

-OK, Laura!

All the boys have got their tops off!

Come on. Let's go into the kitchen.

I'm going into the kitchen now, OK, Becks?

Steve's being mean to a pregnant person.

Just yell if you need me, yeah?

Yeah?

Becks!

Yeah.

Love you!

Right, everyone. I'm going to eat my lolly.

Bloody hell.

Yeah.

Ice cream's bad for the baby but I love a lolly, don't I, Paul?

Yeah.

I love having something to suck on! As it were!

No, I do. I love sucking on things. I'll suck on anything.

God, you should've seen me at school.

-I don't think there was a boy in my year that I didn't...

-Laura.

What's this?

Don't you dare get married before me.

No, that's not the...

It's fucking... No.

No!

Hey, Becks. All ready for the picnic? Paul!

Could you do me a Resolve?

Yeah. Of course.

What?

Dan! You haven't congratulated Paul on his moustache!

Oh, yeah. Congratulations on your moustache, Paul.

Thank you, Dan. I've also trimmed my pubes.

What made you decide to do it, Paul?

Dunno. Just one of those things, you know?

You wake up one morning and think, "Why don't I have a moustache?"

You know, there are two types of people in this world,

people who've got moustaches, and people who don't.

And I decided to just say fuck it and grow a moustache.

How long did it take to grow it?

Erm...

Nine days.

It's good to try something different, isn't it?

Yeah. It is. Thank you, Shelly. Yeah.

There's this bloke called Graham at the gym...

Paul. We're going.

Coming, darling.

-Don't forget the food, baby!

-Yeah. We'll catch you up.

-Excellent. We'll be by the pond.

-You got my sunglasses?

They're on your shirt, Paul.

-Oh, yeah.

-Shelly!

I'll be two minutes, Laura, I'm just going to speak to Becky.

All right, Becky?

No.

How's things? How're you feeling?

Awful.

Oh, dear.

You two OK?

Yep. Cleaning your teeth?

No.

You having a good day?

Nope. I've got a hangover.

Yeah.

A lot of toothpaste.

I know it is.

We've just seen something very exciting.

Oh, yes!

Dan? Shelly? D'you want to leave us to it, yeah?

Yeah. Bye then.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Shelly!

You don't have to do everything she says.

Sorry.

Why didn't you tell me I looked like this?

You look lovely.

Seriously. Look at me.

I stink. My hair's a mess.

-What's that?

-What?

Becky!

What is it?

Nothing! It's my massive dick.

Well I know that's a lie.

Becky!

Laura says, "Hurry the fuck up."

We'll be five minutes!

Quicker!

OK!

I need to lie down.

Why won't you let me look in your pocket?

You can look in there if you want. I'm not stopping you.

My feet are freezing.

Mind if I close the curtains?

So what are we watching then?

D'you want to see what's on iPlayer?

Or we could see if there's a Bodyshock we haven't watched.

I can't find my socks.

Where are my socks?

Have you seen any of my socks?

Erm...

My feet are freezing.

You could try looking in the...

Why have you got a bottle of cava in the laundry basket?

Because...

it was on special offer and I didn't want Laura finding it and nicking it.

What?

What's going on?

Nothing.

See? You are being so suspicious today.

I think at one point you thought I was going to ask you to marry me.

Shut up...

You did, didn't you?

Shut up...

Why would I want to marry you? You fucking stink.

We don't even believe in marriage!

OK. Don't shout!

As if we're going to get married!

Come on.

Let's get you in bed.

You stinky bitch.

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang

# When you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang

# Loud in my ear

# Pounding away, pounding away

# Won't you be mine?

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you. #