The Sister-In-Law Him & Her

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOUR

Why have we got Cava in the laundry basket?

It's the sort of thing he'd say in his speech.

What d'you mean, speech?

-What's that?

-What?

Hello, Laura.

Here he is. Isn't he handsome?

Now get dressed, Steve, we're going for a picnic.

-I've got a hangover, Laur.

-No, you don't.

Hello, Shelly. That was quick. Oh, right.

Wow.

-You had a nice morning?

-It's been bloody brilliant.

I swear on my mum's life, you're being mental.

Why would I want to marry you? You fucking stink.

What's this?

Don't you dare get married before me.

-No, that's not...

-It's fucking...no.

Would you still love me if I smelt like that?

Oh, my God! No. Of course not.

Wow.

What have we used that smells like that?

Oh, Jesus.

HE LAUGHS

-I think I'm all right.

-Seriously. It's disgusting.

Uuugghh!

Uuugghh!

Oh, careful with that. It's the world's sharpest knife.

OK, I'll take the bin down now

and then from now on every time it's half full, we're changing it.

Becks! We're waiting!

OK!

You going in?

I want to see how you get out of this.

Very good.

Come on, Becks. Let's look at the dresses.

They're lovely, Laur.

Who wants sausages?

ALL: Yes, please!

Did he get enough breakfast stuff?

-Yes.

-And is he doing me a grapefruit?

Yes.

Good. Now then...

this is the one I'm thinking is the most bridesmaidsy.

Wow. That's lovely, Laura.

Yeah, that's really nice, Laur.

I'm going to put bells on it

so you'll jingle when you come up the aisle.

Nice.

-The bump said it's his favourite.

-Did he?

Yeah. Ask him.

When are Paul and his mum getting here?

Oh, my God. You're going to love her.

Her clothes are ridiculous. And his brother's coming.

You should see him, Becks, he's like...

Have you seen one of those pornos

where the boys look a little bit underage?

No.

-Really?

-Yes.

He's a bit like one of them. But happier.

Shelly!

Sausages are on!

ALL: Thanks.

What was that?

-I was talking to them.

-Oh.

You doing me a grapefruit?

Yes.

I need vitamins, Steve, or the baby melts.

I know.

How is the little bump? Is he all right?

Yeah. I'm teaching him to speak.

How's that going?

Well.

Good.

I was just wondering if I could have a word about me and Becky.

Ta-da!

Oh. And have you given any more thought to readings, Laura?

Yes, Shelly. Nice of you to ask.

I thought each of you could read out a thing you've written about me.

Just a poem or something. An essay.

A hymn.

OK.

It wouldn't have to be long. Just five, ten minutes.

15 if you need it. No more than 20.

That OK, Becks?

Sounds perfect.

I love you.

I love you too.

Good.

Now, this one's in case we want something off-the-wall

and completely fucking slutty.

Shelly!

DOORBELL RINGS

They've got an inflatable chair.

Lovely.

Yeah. It wobbles when you sit on it.

Is Laura going to be in there?

-Yeah.

-Good.

It's filthy in there. Just to warn you.

Oh. God. Dirty?

Yeah. They're nice people but their flat is fucking disgusting.

Here he is!

Steve, I'd like you to meet Ian, my biological brother.

-Half-brother.

-I finally found him!

-Ah, nice to meet you.

-And you.

Our mum was going to come too but she's got a meeting.

Yeah, she's very busy.

-OK. Paul.

-What's wrong? Can't I give my own brother a kiss?

No, it's not that...half-brother. It's not that. It's just...

PAUL LAUGHS

OK, Paul. I think that's enough.

Paul!

-I got him on the lips.

-No, you didn't.

Come in and meet everyone.

I did that.

Lovely.

Ian's here.

Hello, Ian, baby! Gimme a kiss!

Shit.

Let me introduce you to everyone. This is Steve.

There's not much to say about him. This is Shelly.

She's working nights and going through the menopause.

And this is my sister Becky. Becky, Shelly, this is Ian.

-He's Paul's biological brother.

-Half-brother.

Yes, he's my brother, Becky, but more importantly,

he's my best friend.

-It's nice to meet you.

-Yes. Very nice to meet you, Ian.

Look.

Oh, yes. Lovely.

-Told you.

-Yep.

-Sit on it.

Steve, do you mind if I...?

Go ahead.

Wobbly?

Very.

Talk to him, Shell. Make conversation.

So what d'you do for a living, Ian?

He works in construction. They give him a car.

And he's got a French wife.

Ooooooh!

She's English. And we're not married.

So tell us about construction. What does that involve?

-Buildings and shit?

-Yeah.

It's buildings and shit. Car parks. Restaurants. Sheds.

-Lovely.

-Very nice.

It's probably a touch more specialised, if I'm honest.

Shhhh.

Look at him. Isn't he fuckable?

HE LAUGHS

Imagine being his PE teacher.

There are things I could do to you

that your wife's never even heard of.

D'you want some breakfast, Ian?

I'm having a grapefruit.

No. I've eaten. Thank you.

What d'you have?

Toast.

White?

Yep.

That's what I have.

Kingsmill?

Warburtons.

Right.

Sorry, Steve. I wasn't told you were doing a breakfast.

Nor was I till about an hour ago.

Have an egg.

Honestly, I don't want to put anyone to any trouble.

You're not. Have an egg.

To be honest, we're meant to be on a detox this month...

Seriously, Ian. Have a fucking egg.

Could I maybe just have an egg?

-You don't have to.

-He wants an egg.

I'd love an egg.

So these are the two we've looked at so far.

-FIRE ALARM BLARES

-Fire! Fire! Fire!

Jesus Christ, Steve! There's a fire! Steve! There's a fucking fire!

-Something's burning in the kitchen!

-Shelly, get the fuck up.

Oh, bloody hell. For God's sake.

HE YELPS

HE COUGHS

ALARM CONTINUES

DOORBELL RINGS

Is that Flat B?!

Yeah!

They don't fucking care!

They don't give a shit because they're fucking cock-suckers!

They're disgusting.

They just sit there, sucking cock!

And you're just as fucking disgusting.

You're too fucking weak to...don't you dare turn your back on me.

Jonathan! I'm so angry I could fucking kill you!

It's not on!

< What's happened, Gina?

Those cock-suckers upstairs.

-Calm down, come on.

-They're such cock-suckers!

< What's going on?!

He's not answering!

-Come inside.

-I don't know what to do.

< Were you talking to that whore downstairs?

No. Of course not.

< You better not be lying to me, Jonathan!

I'm not lying.

Setting the fire alarm off at this time of the day.

Come in and I'll do you a coffee.

You can stick your fucking coffee up your fucking japs-eye!

Come back in and close the door.

I hate living here. I fucking hate it!

DOOR SLAMS

That's good. I was worried we'd upset the neighbours.

What is wrong with me today?

Ian's posh, isn't he?

SHE GASPS

Careful with that. It's the world's sharpest knife.

You're funny. My mum got it me. It cost her a tenner.

That's one of yours.

Salt's nice, isn't it?

Steve. Salt's nice, isn't it?

What d'you mean?

Salt. It's nice, isn't it?

Yes.

I've never really had it before.

Here we go.

-It's nice, though, isn't it?

-OK. Let's start from the beginning.

What d'you mean you've never had salt?

-My mum never used to get it.

-Yes, she did.

-No, she didn't.

-Yes, she did.

-No, she didn't.

-Why are you lying?

-I'm not.

Of course your mum got salt! What is this bollocks?

Before I met you I never used to eat it.

Bullshit.

I didn't!

That is complete and utter fucking bullshit.

Thanks for that.

Becks! I want you to try this dress on!

You're my chief bridesmaid, baby!

Just try it on and she'll shut up.

Why would anyone want to get married?

-So, this is the hallway

-Very nice.

That's a table. They keep their stationery in it. Any loose items.

Letters. Matches. There's sometimes a mug on it.

-Is there?

-Yeah, ask Steve.

Morning, campers. Hello.

Do you know if...is Shelly in there?

Hey, Steve, everything OK? I heard an alarm.

I thought I-I heard an alarm. Alarm. I heard an alarm.

Hey, Steve! I heard an alarm.

Oh, sorry if I woke you up.

No, don't worry. I've been awake since four.

Shelly here?

Yeah.

Sausages?

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

Hello, Dan.

Hello, Paul. I heard an alarm.

Laura!

D'you want to come into the kitchen for a moment

to talk about your grapefruit?

No!

Now, come on, Becks. Put it on or I'll thump you.

It's just not very me, though, is it, Laur?

Well, that's not very Shelly, but she doesn't mind.

SHE GIGGLES

And Dan, this is Ian, my biological brother.

Half-brother.

Stop saying that.

I found our mum on the internet,

tracked this one down to his offices and we've never looked back.

-Nope. We've never looked back.

-Nope. We've never looked back.

HE LAUGHS

I stayed round his flat the other night.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oi, Ian. Come and have a look in the kitchen.

No, it's just some flooding or something from the prick upstairs.

Yeah, and it's all come down through here. Right.

Yeah, it was definitely water, but it stinks.

I can still smell it.

Rick? Rick?

HE TUTS

Are you happy?

What d'you mean?

Are you happy, Becks?

Are you happy with the state your life's in?

You can tell me.

Yeah, I'm happy.

D'you think she looks happy?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Do you? Tell me if I'm poking my nose in where it's not wanted.

-No. It's fine.

-Great.

It's just...it doesn't really feel to me

like you and Steve have any hobbies.

-I've never had any hobbies.

-What about the violin?

-I was seven.

-And judo. It's such a shame you didn't keep up the judo.

I'd just...and again, tell me to mind my own business,

but I would hate it if Steve was holding you back

from following your dreams with the violin. Or judo.

It's fine. He's not.

Good. Excellent.

So I don't need to be worried, then.

No.

Excellent.

Because for me, I just think if you have a god-given talent...

It's fine, Laur.

Great.

That's Steve's.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God! I felt the baby kick.

Ian! Come feel my tummy!

OK, Laura!

So what are you doing tonight?

D'you fancy a pint and a chat about Mum?

-Oh. I'd love to. But I'm going for a drink with a friend.

-I'll come.

OK. Ian!

Wait!

Or...or we could go down the gym.

Sharp, isn't it?

Yeah. Really sharp.

And then tomorrow this bloke I know's organised a dog fight.

Tomorrow's really bad for me.

Well, Monday, then. D'you like swimming? Or we could go Tuesday?

Between five and six they bring out the floats.

Ian, darling!

One minute, Laura! We're making arrangements!

Come feel my tummy. There's a good boy.

Can I have a word, Laura? OK.

Oh, you do look funny in that, Shell.

It's because it doesn't fit, d'you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Look at her, Ian. Look at her tits.

Can you...?

Look at them, Ian.

That's fine. Fine.

HE EXHALES

< I think it's maybe a little bit small for me.

< Understatement of the year.

LAURA GIGGLES, THEN SHELLY

Thanks, Steve.

You should've seen her, Ian. She puts this dress on and I'm like,

as I'm watching her I'm thinking, "Good luck doing that up, Shell."

And anyway she puts it on and me and Becks are standing there

while she's got her top off.

She's got no shame.

And she put it on and I was like,

"Oh, my God, Shell, you look great in that."

And she was like, "Do I really?" And I was like, "No! Of course not!"

TEXT BEEPS

That's funny, isn't it, Ian? Isn't it, though?

Yeah. Absolutely hilarious.

-Have you ever felt a baby kick?

-No, I haven't.

And to be perfectly honest I'm not sure it's really for me.

-TEXT BEEPS

-Of course it is.

-Not sure it is.

-Touch it. Go on.

Touch her stomach.

-Can you feel him in there?

-Yes. Definitely.

TEXT BEEPS

Look at him, Shell. He's got a hard on.

I don't.

One for the wank bank.

You can have a little play with yourself later.

D'you know what? I should probably be going, actually.

No way.

Laura, could I have that word about your grapefruit, please?

Ugh. He's so banal.

You can't go yet. I haven't shown you the bathroom.

Oh. Yes. Thank you.

Come on.

Careful, Shell. Just scream if he touches you.

Yeah, thanks, Laura.

BATHROOM DOOR LOCKS

How was work last night?

Oh, you know.

Yeah.

SHE STIFLES A YAWN

You should be in bed.

I know.

You look lovely in that.

I look disgusting.

As if.

I found this.

That's lovely.

Yeah. Thanks. It was in a hedge.

Very nice.

And then, once you've quartered them and removed the pips,

you sprinkle them with truffles and then set them in a raspberry jus.

OK.

So I just wanted to talk to you about me and Becky

and the fact that we...

Can you shut the window, Steve? I'm freezing my bollocks off.

Sorry if I was a bit...you know when we did things.

No. Don't worry.

I don't know what to do with my hands.

Don't worry.

Put them behind your head.

D'you want to come and see me at work tonight?

I'd love that.

So. Laura. How are you feeling about the wedding?

It's great news you've set a date.

Are you coming on to me?

No. Of course not.

Because I would never do that to Becks, unless you were fit.

OK. I'm not coming on to you. I just...

-I'm really excited for you.

-You should water that.

Thanks. But it's just very exciting, isn't it, because...

marriage is in the air, isn't it?

Are you going to cut up my grapefruit?

Or am I just going to stand here like a lesbian?

OK. So...if I married Becky.

-SHE SNORTS

-That's not going to happen.

OK, look.

I know we like to have a bit of banter between the two of us

but let's just be serious for a minute,

and I will be talking to your dad as well, of course.

Don't ask her to marry you, Steve. She doesn't like you.

She doesn't care about you. She doesn't love you. No-one does.

You're a prick. You've got no job and you're going to die.

There's nothing interesting or famous about you whatsoever.

Your parents are divorced and the best thing you could do

would be to fuck off out of Becky's life and hang yourself.

HE GRUNTS, SHE SCREAMS

Shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Don't get it on the grapefruit!

Oh. Bloody hell.

-SHELLY WAILS

-Stop over-reacting.

-The world's sharpest knife!

-You've got blood on my grapefruit.

Hold it above your head.

Hold it above your head, for fuck's sake!

Come into the bathroom.

Look at it.

Look.

Put it under the tap.

I was cutting up her bloody grapefruit.

I was using the knife and it's very sharp.

I know. It's the sharpest knife in the whole wide world.

Now give me your thumb.

I liked your text.

-SMOKE ALARM BLARES

-Oh, God! That'll be the toast!

Steve. Calm down.

Think about nice things. Come on. Calm down.

-I'm dealing with it.

-Turn it off at the plug, Paul.

-I'm dealing with it, Ian.

-Fire! Fire!

There's no fire, it's just the toast!

I'm inhaling the fumes, Paul.

-Paul! She's inhaling the fumes.

-Open the bloody window.

What nice things are you thinking about?

Eggs.

ALARM STOPS What about them?

They should sell just the yolks in a carton, like 50 egg yolks

all mixed together, so no-one has to eat the white bit.

You could have a yolk the size of an omelette.

You could dip a baguette in it.

OK? Is that better?

How about now?

Nice bow.

Thanks. Yeah. It's pretty, isn't it?

Lovely.

I like a bow.

No. It suits you.

Thanks.

Would you still love me

if I wore this every day for the rest of my life?

Probably.

COMMOTION OUTSIDE

< Please put the knife away! It's reckless and it's bloody dangerous!

I'm sorry but I will not be treated in this manner any longer.

It's completely inappropriate.

You've brought me here and I've been the model of good behaviour

and yet I've met with nothing but threats and crudity.

Now, I was perfectly amenable to coming here, Paul,

and to make acquaintance with you all.

But that does not give you a carte blanche to treat me

in the way that frankly you wouldn't even treat an animal

and to poke me with what is by Steve's own admission a very sharp knife.

So will you all please just...shove off?!

THEY LAUGH

You're such a wally, d'you know that?

Seriously, Ian. You say some funny things.

Just like Mum. It's hilarious!

Let's have some breakfast.

Come on, put some more toast on, Shell.

Ah! That does look nice on you, Becks.

Becky was saying she wants a bigger bow.

That's such a good idea.

MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang" by Lulu

# Come closer, come closer and listen

# The beat of my heart keeps on missing

# I notice it most when were kissing

Come on, mate. Let's get you an egg.

Thanks.

# That's right

# Come closer and cuddle me tight... #

For fuck's sake.

# My heart goes

# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang

# When you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang

# Loud in my ear

# Pounding away, pounding away

# Won't you be mine?

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you. #