The Happy Couple Him & Her

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Why would I want to marry you? Fucking stink!

What's this?

Don't you dare get married before me.

I was just wondering if I could have a word about me and Becky?

Sorry if I was a bit, you know, when we did things.

No, don't worry.

I don't know what to do with my hands.

Don't worry.

Don't ask her to marry you, Steve. She doesn't like you.

She doesn't care about you. She doesn't love you.

No-one does.

Would you still love me

if I wore this every day for the rest of my life?

Probably.

Have we got any beers?

Becks! There's no beers in the fridge!

Are you speaking to me?

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

There's no beers in the fridge.

There must be.

My mum's just got off the bus.

Don't sit there.

God.

A lot of, it wasn't there?

Yep.

You enjoyed that, didn't you?

You had a lovely time.

Don't talk to it.

Gimme that.

That.

Bit more?

We've run out of beers!

Shall we talk when I've finished this, yeah?

We've run out of beers!

Have a look in the cupboard!

I have!

There's no beers in the fridge or the cupboard?!

No! We've run out!

Oh, shit.

There must be one in the cupboard.

Why's Barney not got us any?

He's visiting his mum.

Wasn't there one on the shelf?

I drank it.

Oh, I think I saw one behind the...

Thank God for that.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Hopefully she'll have some with her.

Hi, Mum.

Thanks, Becky.

Mike is being a dick.

He's trashing my bloody house.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

What?

Yeah, well, that is bollocks, Mike, because if you did love me,

you wouldn't be trashing my house.

Imagine loving your mum.

Shut up. I love her.

You don't love her. You just want to fuck her.

Wow.

It's Children In Need.

I'm not watching Children In Need without a beer.

You should use my roll-on.

We're gonna have to go Azeem's now, aren't we?

Cans are a pound each.

Anything?

I found the Marmite.

Have some of that.

We're saving that for a special occasion.

That.

I can't believe I'm considering drinking this.

If you even try and make me clear that up,

I promise you I'll pull your bollocks off.

Hello, hello, hello. The door was open...

Don't come in. I smashed a glass.

It's gone everywhere.

Can you chuck us our shoes?

Yep.

So, The One Show's on at seven.

Then Children In Need starts at half past.

What time are they announcing the grand total?

I didn't mean chuck.

Sorry.

Do you reckon Darren would get us free pizzas?

Dunno. I'll call him.

What shall we get? Couple of meat feasts?

Ow, Dan!

Sorry!

What do you think about the meat feasts?

-Extra meat?

-Yeah, course.

-Two?

-Three.

-Four.

That's two pizzas each.

You're so boring.

Did you want anything?

Nope. No. Just...filling time.

Until...?

Dunno.

I found this.

That's nice.

Just get out of my house or I'm calling the police.

Mike's being horrible to my mum.

What you're saying, Mike, is sexist. Yes, it is.

It's the most sexist thing I've ever heard.

Because you're treating me... You are treating me

like a piece of meat and I am not.

I am not a piece of meat.

Mike?

Trust me, Mike.

It was in your coat.

What were you looking there for?

-Just... Trust me.

-Money.

Nice.

I will say what I want. This is a free country, Mike.

My Uncle Pierce, he fought in the war,

so you could... Oh, here we go again.

For God's sake, I haven't changed my hair.

I'm gonna apply for a job.

Yeah? What as?

Do you remember what I said to you at the bingo?

Dunno.

Right.

Do you remember what I said to you at the bingo?!

At the bingo! When we won the waffle-maker.

I need a poo.

OK. Are you gonna do one?

No, not yet.

I'm gonna leave it to the last minute so it's nicer.

-Yeah. I do that.

-Yeah.

Saves you having to push.

Yeah. I like the feeling when it slips out.

Steve's not interested, Mike.

-This morning, I filmed...

-Too far.

Yep.

He's coming over.

Hey.

Don't worry, OK? I'm not gonna let him hurt you.

I can't let him in, Steve.

I won't let him in. I'll block the door.

He's not going to get past me.

He's just saying all these bad things about me.

New telly.

It's Laura's. They had it delivered here.

Pardon?

They had it delivered.

Oh, right.

Children In Need's on tonight.

I've met Wogan.

I'm gonna go in there.

Cool.

I'm sure it'll blow over. He's just feeling down at the moment.

He's probably got problems at work. The thing is, you know, he's saying all these bad things,

like people do, but he's just being Mike.

He's just being emotional.

Yeah.

I should probably open a window.

Yeah.

Shall I open it?

Nah.

Can I get you an ashtray?

No. You're all right.

Yeah. With extra meat.

Extra meat.

No, I've got three bars. It's you, Darren. We want extra meat.

We've been through this, Mike.

We've been through this.

He's doing my bloody head in.

Yeah, extra meat.

You know you shouldn't be on the phone when you're driving.

Don't sit there.

Mike!

I'll text you. I'll text you.

Are you done?

Yeah.

You can keep it.

Thanks.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Dan stuck his finger in the Marmite.

Oh, I see.

What did you think I meant?

You don't wanna know.

DOOR BELL RINGS

All right?

Hey, Steve.

Becks. Oh, love the hair.

Dan.

Paul. Give 'em a kiss.

Start with Steve.

Hello.

Hi.

Both cheeks.

I'm actually all right, thanks.

He's got to learn, Becks.

He never kisses anyone when he meets them.

-Seriously, don't worry about it.

-Both cheeks.

Don't.

Oh, Becks. You're so frigid.

Erm... Are those yours to open?

Mr DF Perkins. Have you ever heard of a Mr DF Perkins

living round here?

You're so banal.

Where's your mum?

-Mike, this is my flat. You're not coming in here.

-Fuck off.

-Show me your other phone!

-Mike! Get out! I mean it!

Give me your phone.

I don't know what you mean.

Scary.

You know exactly what I mean.

Shut up.

Oh, my God, Paul. Look at our telly!

It's big, isn't it?

It is big.

Just give me it!

It cost us £2,000. I should hope it's big.

It cost us what?

Hey, Janet. Gimme your cheek.

Yes. Hello.

-Janet.

-Paul.

-All right?

-Yeah.

Mike, don't be such a grumpy guts. Gimme your cheek.

-Erm. Dan?

-Yeah?

-You OK?

-Yeah.

Good.

You using our loo?

Yeah.

Steve! Tell him!

Yeah. I'm coming! Dan...

I'll flush it.

-I know you will.

-OK.

You only live up there.

It's coming out.

Come on, mate.

Fuck off, the lot of you.

Oh, Mike.

Right, this is the one.

Tell him, Steve. There's nothing on it.

Well, why have you got two phones then? Why do you need two phones?

ENGINE RUMBLES OUTSIDE

-Bollocks.

-Mike!

It's my old phone, Mike. There's nothing on it.

Come on, Mike.

Sent Monday at 11.17pm -

when she told me she was on her way home from Jenny's.

Jenny's got a new number. I haven't saved it yet.

Look, this is all just a big misunderstanding.

-Why don't you pop to Azeem's, get us a few beers...

-It's locked!

Press unlock. Then the star key.

I'll do it.

Men...!

Press unlock. Then the star key.

OK, Paul. I don't need your help.

Now. How does one unlock a Nokia?

Press unlock, then the star key!

For fuck's sake.

All right. Keep your hair on.

Sent Monday at 11.17pm.

Mike...

"Thanks for a fun night. It's like we're both teenagers."

-She's clearly texting Jenny. This is ridiculous.

-Yeah.

"It was great to see you. I haven't had a night like that in ages."

Come on, Mike. It's Children In Need.

-He's being silly, isn't he?

-So silly.

"Next time, if you're good, I'll let you put it in my mouth."

Come on, that's clearly...

That's clearly...

Mum!

We were toasting marshmallows.

-Bollocks!

-Mike.

We were toasting marshmallows and Jenny wanted to feed me one

and I wouldn't let her because she hadn't been good.

That's such bollocks!

Mike, please.

So I simply said to her, next time, if she's good, I'll let her

put it - the marshmallow - I'll let her put it in my mouth.

Now what's wrong with that?

Right. Fine. I'll read you another one.

No. I don't think we need to hear any more.

To be honest, Mike, in Janet's defence,

I wouldn't let someone feed me a marshmallow.

She wasn't eating a fucking marshmallow!

OK, Laura...

-I like to eat at my own pace, don't I, Paul?

-Yeah.

It's because I'm pregnant.

I don't even like marshmallows. I really don't.

Crazy, I know, but I think it's the texture. They're so springy.

I'm the same with flumps. Now don't get me wrong.

I could eat cola bottles till they come out of my nose

and sometimes they do. But would I eat a marshmallow?

No. And would I eat a flump? No, I wouldn't.

Though I do like nougat.

I like those giant snakes...

For fuck's sake! Can't you all just fuck off?

Mike. I was round Jenny's. We were toasting marshmallows.

Now there is no need for that language.

Can I get anyone a nice glass of Advocaat?

Ooh. Yeah. I'll have one.

Mum?

No, I'll have this.

Laura?

Do you have any plum juice?

No.

You don't have any plum juice?

No.

Incredible.

Have you ever had plum juice, Janet?

-No.

-Becks?

-Really?

PHONE RINGS

Did you give anyone our number?

No. What is our number?

Dunno.

Are you going to answer it?

DOOR BELL RINGS

Pizzas!

-Hello, Shelly.

-All right?

Hi, guys. Thanks for this.

Laura's been so good with him but I think he's getting a bit,

you know. Laura's Laura, isn't she, which is great

but she can be a bit... Well, I don't want to say anything

because she's been so good actually helping with Kieran

but it's so nice of you to give her a break

and I know Kieran's excited, aren't you?

Yeah. I've got his toothbrush in there and his DS,

and he's got swimming in the morning so make sure he takes this with him.

It starts at eight but he likes to get there for 7.30.

-Does he?

-Yeah.

-Fantastic.

And you might need to help him with his costume, Becky, if that's OK.

What do you mean?

And he might wet the bed a little bit tonight but he's got his pyjamas

so it shouldn't leak.

Laura said she'd spoken to you.

Erm...

By the way, Becka, Shelly's going to... Oh, good.

So is it OK if he stays?

-Um...

-Um...

I got you these.

-Yeah, he's more than welcome, isn't he?

-Yeah. Definitely.

Thanks. Just stick him on the sofa. He won't mind. Will you?

You'll be all right on the sofa

while Mummy goes to work, won't you? Eh?

Thanks.

Do you mind if he uses your loo?

No, of course not. Dan, you going to hurry up in there?!

-Yeah!

-Kieran needs the loo!

OK!

You all right, Dan?

Yep.

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate it.

Ah. Don't worry at all.

-Yeah. It'll be really nice to have him.

-Thanks.

Children In Need's on tonight.

I know. I was talking to someone about it on the bus.

Were you?

Right, Mike. Me and Janet have talked it through

and we think you're being a fucking twat.

Thanks, Steve.

We were toasting marshmallows, Mike. I swear on Steve's life.

How's my favourite little page boy?

-Have you brought his special pyjamas?

-Yeah.

Stick him in a bin bag, just to be safe.

We're gonna get the Advocaat.

Lovely. And I'll take one of them for my Paul. Thank you.

How are we doing in here? Everything OK?

Hey, baby! I got your nose!

Oh, my goodness, Kieran. What's that?

SHE LAUGHS

I'm so good with kids.

The truth is, Mike,

I just don't like people putting marshmallows in my mouth.

I know you don't. I know.

And she was cooking it on a fire. Imagine how hot it was.

I bet it was really hot.

It was. Then she starts shoving it in my face.

I don't know what came over her.

She was just shoving the bloody marshmallow in my face.

Well, yeah. That would annoy me, if I'm honest.

-Exactly.

-Exactly.

You swear on Steve's life that's what happened?

I swear on Steve's life. Just trust me.

Yeah.

OK.

Good. Now we got pizzas coming, Children In Need's on,

so why don't you pop down Azeem's, get us a few beers

and we can have a nice little celebration?

Becks! Can you help us with the telly?!

OK!

Do you know how much it cost, Becks?

Yeah, I heard.

I'm sorry you're stuck with Kieran.

He's so weak. Do you know what I mean? Like, physically weak.

But also, mentally, just so weak.

Oh. Hello.

Hi.

Dan, this is Kieran. Kieran, this is Mummy's friend, Dan.

-Hello.

-Hi!

I tell you what.

If this Jenny starts trying to feed me with marshmallows,

I'll knock her fucking teeth out.

It's all been sorted now so shall we stop talking about it?

I wasn't talking about it.

You haven't been answering my calls.

We got robbed at work and they took my phone.

Oh, bloody hell.

Don't. Laura's in there.

Did you tell the police?

Hello.

Hello.

Do you wanna see a magic trick?

OK.

Abracadabra.

You can have that.

Thanks.

Children In Need's on tonight.

I know.

Do you wanna come round after work and watch it on iPlayer?

I need to pick Kieran up from swimming and then...

Shelly! Are you two going to help or are you going to stand there

like a pair of paedos?

Oh, yes. Sorry, Laura.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Right, let's set you up in here then.

OK. That's it, good boy.

Put this up.

OK? Mummy's got to head off now.

-Shelly!

-Coming!

Me and Graham lift shit twice as heavy as this on a daily basis.

DOOR BELL RINGS

You and Dan take one end.

Can we just take this home, please?

We're going to miss the start of Children In Need.

You all right, Steve? I've got your pizzas.

Lovely. Thanks, mate. How much do we owe you?

Just call it a fiver.

Here you are. Thanks, mate.

Thanks, Darren.

Paul's here. Do you wanna say hello?

I'd better not. My bike's down there.

-No worries. See you later.

-Yeah. See you.

Ooh! Bloody hell! What happened to your neck?

Oh, yeah. One of the perks of the job, isn't it?

Is it?

What do you mean?

I've got this MILF I deliver to. She's fucking nuts.

She keeps texting me this filth about fucking her in the...

Oh...

I'd better be off actually.

Erm...

You fucking liar!

Don't swear at me, Mike!

You total fucking liar!

I will not have you speaking to me in this manner. It's just rude.

That Janet, I know she doesn't look like much

-but she gives the most amazing...

-She's my mum.

Oh.

Awkward!

I'll go open the boot.

Oh, by the way, Becks, little tip.

If Kieran has a nightmare, film it. It's hilarious.

He sounds like he's dying. Doesn't he, Shell?

Yeah.

Sorry, it's really heavy.

Well, help him, Shell. Don't be a knob.

Thanks.

You said she was an eight.

-I said seven or an eight.

-You said eight.

Well, you should see her with her top off.

Ah. Jesus.

-So is she good in bed then, Darren?

-Yeah. She's a nutcase.

-What does she do?

-Everything. Anything.

Bloody hell!

She's got this cupboard in her house...

Oh, my God.

Your mum...is shagging Darren!

I think that is going to go down

as the worst moment of my entire life.

Oh, for God's sake.

What?

The top one's vegetarian.

There must be some meat on it.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh, this is the fucking pits.

You OK?

There was no toilet roll.

Thanks.

Your mum had to go. She said say goodbye, didn't she?

Yeah. But she's really excited about seeing you tomorrow.

Do you like pizza?

Hey! Come on!

There's no need for that! Come on, big man!

Your mum'll be back tomorrow to pick you up from swimming.

And in the meantime, we've got loads and loads and loads of pizzas.

All the pizza you can eat.

We'll watch telly and you can have as much of it as you want.

Imagine that!

And then, we'll play a really, really, really fun tidying up game

in the kitchen where we get to pick up bits of glass!

OK?

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Good.

Now Children In Need's about to start.

Let's go and eat some pizza!

We'll give him the vegetarian one.

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang

# Boom bang-a-bang, when you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang

# Loud in my ear

# Pounding away, pounding away

# Won't you be mine?

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away, I wanna stay

# My whole life through

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang

# Close to you. #