The Father-in-Law Him & Her

This programme contains strong language.

You thought I was going to ask you to marry me.

Why would I want to marry you? You stink!

What's this?

-Don't you dare get married before me.

-We got robbed at work

-and they took my phone.

-Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, don't. Laura's in there.

Don't ask her to marry you, Steve.

Let's just be serious for a minute.

And I will be talking to your dad, as well, of course.

She doesn't like you. She doesn't care about you.

She doesn't love you. No-one does.

What's going on?

Do you know what I'm most upset about?

I've been wanting to do that for months!

Kind of makes it worth getting burgled, doesn't it?

She'll get us another one.

Oh, God. She so will.

-Can you believe they didn't nick this?

-HE LAUGHS

You're funny.

Right, then...

It's a mess.

They should lock them up and throw away the key.

Dan? Dan, we've been burgled.

Did you see anything?

Blimey. Sorry, Steve. I didn't see a thing.

-Have you asked your cousins?

-My cousins?

-What's happened?

We've been burgled.

(They took the engagement ring.)

-Oh, Steve...!

-Did you notice anything?

No. But have you asked your cousins?

What do you mean, my cousins?

We met your cousins on the stairs, and they...

Oh...

-We thought they looked funny, didn't we?

-Yeah.

Becks!

-Sorry, Mum. That's not broken.

-Oh. Sorry.

It's Steve's.

You want to keep it?

Yeah. It's Steve's.

OK.

-Dan and Shelly think they saw them.

-Oh, great. What were they like?

-All right, Dan? All right, Shelly?

-Yeah.

-You saw the burglars?

Anything in it?

RATTLES

They were very tall.

I remember looking at them

and thinking, "You are the tallest person I have ever seen."

-Their hair.

-What about it?

Oh, they had this hair!

It covered their entire heads.

It was horrible.

-But there was something funny about them?

-Yes.

They had an aura, didn't they?

They were very cold. It was like they had special powers.

-They could kill you with a glance.

-And how old do you think they were?

Twelve.

-OK.

-Thanks, Shelly.

You all right, Nigel?

-Hello.

-Hi...

-Nigel.

Shelly.

Oh. Yes. Laura's friend.

-Yeah.

-Nice to meet you at last.

-Dad?

-Yes? Just wondering if you wanted me to board up that window?

-Yes, please.

-Thanks, Nigel. Sorry to put you to any trouble.

It's no trouble at all. I'm good with my hands.

It was nice to meet you. Catch you in a bit, yeah?

You two OK? Do you need a hand with that?

Erm, yeah, if you want. That'd be good.

-Thanks, Becky.

-Yeah. Thanks.

Sorry, I didn't think you'd say yes.

-No worries.

-See you in a bit, yeah?

-Yeah.

I've just met Shelly. Laura's Shelly. Have you met her?

-Yeah.

-She seems nice.

-Yes.

We should get going. We don't want to get in the way.

We're not in the way.

Do you know what makes this day really special?

The fact your parents are here.

-Fuck off.

-Cos if things weren't going badly enough with the burglary,

-and the flat getting trashed...

-Show me your bum.

You know what? It's funny, because I was thinking,

if only your wonderful parents would come round

-and make the day a little bit worse for us.

-Wiggle it.

-Can I slap it?

-No.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ow!

Oh, good.

-The least she could've done is dust it. ..Is Mum there?

-Yeah.

Are you serious? Are you seriously this much of a bitch?

Laura. Language.

Do you want to see your grandson when he's born?

Because you're going the wrong way about it.

OK, Laura...

If I employ you as a cleaner, I expect you to clean.

I do not expect you to leave out a windowsill!

I'm sure it's not THAT bad.

Seriously, Becks. It's the dirtiest windowsill I've ever seen.

-Isn't it, lover?

-To be honest, Jill, it's not good.

-And she ate a piece of my Toblerone.

-I had it with my cup of tea!

You had a cup of tea?!

Laura... Why don't we go and listen to your ringtones?

In a minute. I cannot be expected to clean a windowsill in my condition.

I didn't want to move the...

I don't need your excuses. Did you clean the windowsill?

Yes or no? Yes or no? I haven't got all day.

No.

You get £6 an hour.

The least you could've done is dusted it.

I hung your shirts in your wardrobe.

Yeah, I saw that. Thank you.

She set the playhouse up in front of the window, and I didn't...

It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it.

Thanks.

-Don't tell Laura.

-That's very kind of you.

PHONE RINGTONE

Hello, Darren, mate. Yeah. Yeah, they've trashed it.

It looks like it was kids.

-Me and your dad'll carry on in here.

-Thanks, Mum.

Oh, thanks, Nigel.

Um, thanks.

Darren's going to find your burglars. What do you want him to do to 'em?

-Nothing. The police have been round.

-We don't want Darren involved.

Did you hear that? ..You don't want their fingers?

-No.

-No.

They don't want them, mate. He says he just needs your address

and his dad's pliers.

We don't want you to do anything to them, Darren.

Yeah, thanks very much, Darren, but we're fine for now.

Seriously, they don't...

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

'Cos it's fucking... We're going to get these fucking kids, Paul.

'We'll drive them down to the golf course, we'll smack their heads

'against a fucking tree. They'll wish they died in a womb, Paul.

'They'll wish they died in a womb. We're going to cut their

'fingers off and stick their bollocks inside a fucking

'chocolate egg and send it to their gran at fucking Easter.

'We're going to post stuff on the internet about them, Paul.

'You hear me? We're going to hunt them down electronically

'and hack into their fucking emails. There's nothing we can't do, Paul.

'Paul? Paul, you still there?'

Yeah, there's nothing we can't do.

-Yeah, we'll hack into their emails, definitely.

-Steve?

Got any spare hardboard?

Erm. Let me think.

Of course you don't. I'll just see if there's any out here.

-There isn't.

-Or cardboard. I want to fix that window.

Before Steve catches a cold.

STEVE COUGHS

Thanks, Nigel!

Hello, Shelly, love. How's it going?

-Why are you trying to suck my dad off?

-Shut up!

"Thanks, Nigel." "Oh, my God, Nigel, you're so amazing."

"Fuck me like I'm Jill, Nigel!"

You're talking about your own parents.

What now?

Can't work out if I need a wee or not.

Push.

-50/50.

-Go anyway?

Yeah. What have I got to lose?

Oh, why would you break THAT?

Why would you bother coming into someone else's house

-and breaking that?

-Oh, get over it, you miserable little prick.

Nope. Nothing.

Oh, my God, Becks. The kitchen's a right mess!

It reminds me of our place when I've been shagging Paul all weekend!

Ugh. Look at her. We should put her in a home.

We need to get this place cleaned up, Laura. So...

-Shame about the photo, isn't it?

-Yeah...

Steve was just saying he wants you to get him another one.

Yes.

Help yourself.

-Excellent. Thanks.

-Sorry, it's not as big.

No. It's perfect.

Go and put it up, then. Leave us in peace.

-Hi, Jill.

-That's nice.

-Yeah.

-Talented.

Is it a Banksy?

-No.

-Oh, what you got there?

Laura got us another one of these.

-Oh, how lovely.

-Hmm...we're very lucky, really.

I'll just pop out and get Nigel to help us with the rubbish.

OK.

-Do you know where your dad is?

-Did someone just say something?

He's looking for some hardboard.

I'm sorry for not cleaning the windowsill, Laura.

Do you know what, Mum? Now that I'm a mother myself,

I'm going to be big about this and forgive you.

Thank you.

It's not the sixties any more.

You can't just go around being an arsehole.

No.

Give Mum a hug, Laur. Come on, make up properly.

I'm all right.

Seriously, though, best part?

Hard to say. But at a push, Florida.

-Oh!

-Have you travelled much, Shelly?

Yeah.

Great. Where you been?

Oh. Erm...Spain.

-Lovely. I love Spain.

-Yeah.

-Where else?

Canada.

Oh, nice. What were you doing there?

My sister died. I had to get her body.

-So you're quite the traveller, then?

-Yeah.

Dan, mate, could you give us a minute?

Hello, Shelly. Sorry about Nigel. I hope he isn't boring you to death.

-No!

-Shelly's been to Canada.

Oh, I've got family in Canada. Where were you?

Toronto.

Lovely. What did you do in Toronto?

It was mainly admin.

Lovely. Could you help me with something in the bedroom, Nigel?

Of course, love. It's been a while since she said that!

She means the bin bags.

Right. Sounds like they need a real man.

Yes, and in the meantime we'll make do with Nigel.

< STEVE: Thanks for doing all this, Nigel. We do appreciate it.

-< NIGEL:

-No worries, Steve.

< There's nothing I like more than clearing up a flat that's

been made only slightly messier.

Ah, very good!

Any more rubbish? And I'm not talking about Steve.

-Guys! Don't forget this!

-Thanks, love.

-Shelly can take that.

-Nice grip.

-Stay there.

-So how's your new job, Shelly?

It's lovely, yeah.

How long you going to be? I'm getting a headache.

-Thanks.

-How's your wee?

-60/40.

-You going to go?

Dunno. I might just do it here.

I'll give you a fiver if you do it right here.

-< LAURA:

-I know you're talking about me!

-We're not talking about you!

-< Whatever!

We're really not talking about you, Laura.

I was talking about my wee.

Where's my Paulie? Will you tell him I miss him?

We had such hot sex last night.

OK.

My mum's chucked your money box.

No way.

And I bet she's chucked your shoes.

Can you believe she's chucking all my stuff away?

She's such an arsehole.

You're just jealous because she gets to shag my dad.

-Hello?

-In here.

-All right?

-Yeah. You?

Yeah.

Shelly's hanging out with Dan again.

I don't know why she leads him on like that.

You been on the phone to Darren all this time?

Yeah. I've got to go down the gym in a bit. I've got Pilates.

-Huh.

-What does that mean?

What does WHAT mean?

Sit here.

There's stuff on it.

-What are they doing down there?

-I dunno.

Give me a kiss.

What do you mean?

I'm sorry, Nigel, but this is not on.

Excuse me, Nig...

Look here, Nigel.

Right, Nigel, you piece of shit.

Oi.

Oi.

Oi!

But why do I have to do it now?

Because I said so. Now, give me a kiss. On the lips.

-I need to reply to this.

-Paul.

Ow. My jeans are really...

I want tongues.

-What do you want tongues for?

-Just do it.

Thank you, Paul.

Oh, my God, everyone! I just felt the baby kick!

-NIGEL:

-And you work nights, do you?

-SHELLY:

-Most of the time, yeah.

You poor thing, that must be exhausting. >

Oh, my God, Mum, I just felt the baby kick.

-Oi, Nigel, this is not on.

-What garage is it? I'll have to pop by.

Oh, I don't know what it's called.

-You haven't been working there long, have you, Shell?

-No.

Come on, Shelly. What garage is it? Don't be annoying.

SHELLY GIGGLES

You've got a lovely laugh, haven't you? Do you know that?

Hasn't she, Steve?

-Yeah.

-Hasn't she, Dan?

Oh, dear. What's happened to your lovely face?

Do you want to help me clear it up?

Excuse me, Nigel.

Steve, can I have a word?

Yeah, course. Always time for you, Nigel!

Right, I'm off to Pilates.

-Do you want a lift, lover?

-Graham's here.

Let me know if you want picking up!

-NIGEL:

-Where's Paul going?

STEVE: Uh, Pilates.

-< What's Paul doing Pilates for?

-Part of his new regime at the gym.

-< Pilates?

-Yeah. Strange, isn't it? But there you go.

< Well, how many times a week does he do it?

< Um, don't know really, you'll have to ask HIM.

< That's the stretches and everything, isn't it?

< I think so. I'm not too sure, but I know Paul enjoys it.

< Yeah.

-< I was thinking of joining a gym.

-Ah. That's a good idea.

< Yeah.

Sorry about what's happened to your flat.

Oh, you know... There's nothing we can do.

But thanks for your help, you've been amazing.

No. Not at all. Anything I can do for you, Steve. You know that.

Oh. Thanks, Nigel.

Not at all. Not at all.

-Have you got her number?

-Who?

Who do you think?

Oh.

Erm...

Yes.

Great.

Can I have it?

OK.

Oh, he's just being silly, Becky. You know what men are like.

He's just having a bit of fun.

Maybe you should make more of an effort, Mum. Curl your hair.

Get a facelift. We'd all chip in.

All right, Laura.

Thanks, Steve. I'm glad we've had this private little moment together.

Absolutely.

We get on, don't we?

Yeah, we do a bit of banter.

-Yeah! We DO do a lot of banter.

-Yeah, but it's all well-meaning.

Of course it is. Of course it is.

We've got to stick together with all these women around us.

-Absolutely!

-What goes on tour stays on tour.

Yes.

Good. You're a good bloke, Steve.

You're a good bloke.

If there's anything I can do for you, you let me know.

-Yeah.

-Good.

-Well, actually, Nigel...

I have been meaning to talk to you about something.

It's to do with Becky.

She's very special to me.

And we have such an amazing time together.

And I think she feels... well, similar about me,

I don't want to assume anything. But I really...

I care about her loads, as you know.

I've never met anyone like her, because there is no-one like her.

We both know you'd have to go a long way to find another person like that!

So I was wondering...erm...

I was wondering if maybe

I might have your permission, at some point...

..to maybe ask Becky to marry me.

No,

of course you fucking don't.

If you ask her to marry you,

I'll break your fucking neck.

JILL: Right, I think we've done all we can here.

-Ready to go? I'm hungry.

-JILL: Yes. We'll leave you to it.

What have we got for dinner?

-Chicken.

-Again? I'll turn into a chicken!

-Bye, Becky. Bye, Steve.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-What have I said now?

Bye, Dad. Bye, Laura.

Bye, Becks. Bye, Dad.

Bye, Laura. Bye, Becky.

-Thanks, Steve.

-Thanks, Nigel.

-Lovely to chat to you.

I'm glad we got the chance to iron a few things out.

Yeah, thanks, Nigel.

Good. I'll pop round tomorrow after work and fix that window.

Thanks, Dad.

Tesco? Going up in the world!

Oh, I'll take that.

Thanks.

Thanks so much for coming round and helping us clear up, Laur.

You've been great.

-Yeah.

-What are you up to tonight?

I think I'll go home. Put my feet up. See what's on.

Paul won't be back till late. If he's back at all.

You know what he's like with his Pilates!

Yeah. I'll do a word search. Make myself some pasta.

The bump loves pasta!

-Do you want to feel him?

-I'm all right.

OK. Bye, then.

-Bye.

-Bye.

That was easy. I thought we were stuck with her.

Oh.

Come here, you boring, little bitch.

What did my dad want?

DOORBELL RINGS

Sorry. I forgot my purse. I'm such a klutz!

Yeah. It's weird being in that flat on my own, though.

Not good for the baby. Where is my purse?

It's funny, isn't it - Paul doing Pilates?

It's not very Paul, is it?

LAURA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Oh, well. Worse things happen at sea. Oh, there it is!

Oops!

I don't really want to go home yet, Becks.

-Do you want to stay here for a bit, then?

-Oh. OK, then.

Becks, did I tell you the saga about my wedding dress?

Yes. Yes. A few times. But tell Steve.

He'd love to hear all about it.

Excellent. Come along, Stevie.

Oh, my God, Becks, we haven't listened to my ringtones yet.

Ow!

-Becks, we haven't listened to my ringtones.

-Oh, yeah.

Let's do that now.

# Come closer and cuddle me tight...#

THE GIRLS GIGGLE

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang

# Boom bang-a-bang When you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang Boom bang-a-bang

# Loud in my ear

# Pounding away, pounding away Won't you be mine?

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away, I want to stay My whole life through... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd