The Morning Him & Her

This programme contains some strong language

I love weddings. I can't wait. You taking the piss?

It's going to be the highlight of the year.

Yes, um, Paul's asked me to be his best man.

But you don't even like each other!

Yes, we do.

You'll have lots of fun on the stag do, won't you?

Mmm-hmm. With all Paul's friends.

Mmm.

I'm going to put bells on it.

So you'll jingle when you come up the aisle.

Nice. This is the one I'm thinking is the most bridesmaids-y.

Yeah, that's really nice, Laur.

I think Laura would look lovely in a veil.

Just something to, you know...

..not hide her face, but...

I know what you mean.

Now give me a kiss.

I want tongues.

What do you want tongues for?

Just do it.

Imagine being married to me for 25 years.

He'll end up killing me.

No, I won't.

Go away, Paul, I don't want to speak to you.

Well, I'm not going anywhere, darling.

DOOR SLAMS

I can't wait for the wedding.

This programme contains some strong language.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Becks...

Becky?

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Becks.

Becky.

KNOCKING

Wake up, Becks! It's my wedding day!

I'm getting married today, Becks! SHE GIGGLES

It's five to seven.

Becky!

I'm asleep.

Tell her to go away. It's five to seven.

You tell her. She's your sister.

You're closer to the door.

No, I'm not.

Becks! It's my wedding day! Get up, you lazy bitch!

That's it. You are going out there

and you are telling her to go back to bed.

Yeah, all right.

Becky! Wake the fuck up.

Becky!

Get up, you silly slag.

Is she awake?

Uh, Shelly, did you open the champagne?

No, I...

Who the fuck do you think you are?

I think she's gone.

Becky. OK.

The ceremony doesn't start till two.

Who needs...

..eight hours to get ready?

Seven hours.

I reckon she's gone back to bed for a bit,

realised how early it is.

PHONE RINGS LOUDLY

Noooooo!

Right, that's it. Answer the phone.

Come on! Please...

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

SHE GROANS

SHE YELPS

SHE GROANS AND HE CHUCKLES

HE SNIGGERS

Oh, God, I can smell myself.

That's a new low.

How was Paul last night?

Steve.

You looking forward to doing your speech?

I'm just going to keep speaking, so you might as well get up.

Why aren't we like that?

Steve!

Why aren't we like that?

Oh, my God, shut up! What?!

One - of course you can smell yourself.

You're a stinky bitch.

Two - Paul was depressing.

I left him in the pub because he made me want to die.

Three - my best man's speech is fine.

I got it off the internet.

And four - why aren't we like what?

Because we're not a pair of fucking arseholes.

So you're awake, then?

Yes, I'm awake!

BANGING

Beck! Becky. Beck! Becky!

BANGING AND CALLING CONTINUES

You are such a knob!

Beck! Wake up, Beck,

it's my wedding day!

Wake up, Becky, it's Laura's wedding day!

ALL: Hooray!

Happy wedding day!

Oh, my God, Becks, look at Shell.

SHE GIGGLES Oh, my God!

Steve.

Imagine going to a wedding like that!

You all right?

Yeah. We think it'll fade.

She thinks it'll fade.

Try not to laugh. It's ugly.

You OK, Laura? You sleep OK?

Um, yeah.

I was a bit on edge at first, if I'm honest,

but I had a little wank and slept like a log.

Good.

Let's see your room, then.

I'm sure there's something we can do about it. Yeah.

I was saying there must be a cream or something.

Yeah. There must be.

And anyway, when I'm all dressed up, I don't think anyone will notice.

BABY GRIZZLES

Ha! My room's twice as big as yours and it overlooks the car park.

Come on, girls! Time for girly fun!

You're going to do my toenails.

Paul!

Wake up, Paul, it's your wedding day!

This is your wife speaking!

I can hear him snoring. Aww! Aww.

I love you, Paul, baby!

See you later, husband!

Could you take this for a sec?

Thanks.

Great.

BABY WAILS

I've got seven hours of that.

STEVE LAUGHS

At least you didn't have to go out with Paul last night.

It was the pits.

You know, beneath all that crap he gives out,

when you actually chat to him, when you actually just sit down

and have a chat with him,

he's actually really, really boring.

SHE COOS One minute. I'm trying to wee.

There's a good girl.

SHE SNEEZES AND BABY GOES QUIET

He was telling me how Ryman's get deliveries on a Wednesday.

Seriously, that's a half-hour I'll never get back.

BABY WHIMPERS

I had to leave him, I was falling asleep.

I think I'm coming down with something.

BABY CONTINUES TO GRIZZLE

Here. Let me.

Thanks.

Hey! Come on!

Don't be like that.

It's Uncle Steve!

Uncle Steve, Uncle Steve, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba.

BABY STARTS TO CRY

Shall I... Yep.

I'm going to bed.

Steve, you going to wake my Paul up?

You're meant to be the best man, remember!

Do you want to be a bit quieter, yeah?

You should've heard Shelly first thing this morning.

I thought she was going to kill herself.

Shall we be a bit quieter?

It's really early.

I think she did it on purpose.

At her age you'll do anything to stand out.

It's seven o'clock, Laur. People are trying to sleep.

Did you get biscuits in your room? Yeah.

Yeah so did I, except mine were shortbread.

Yeah, I think ours were shortbread. Lovely.

Yeah, but they gave me two of them.

Yeah, I think we got two of them, actually.

Yeah, but mine were nicer. OK.

Right, everyone! The chief bridesmaid's here!

She's going to start with a little speech about me and Paul

while we all get shit-faced! You what?

ALL: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

Ah, Bianca, I'm sitting there...

Paul..?

It's a privilege to be here with Laura on her special morning.

Laura and Paul are just so perfect for each other it's amazing.

So it's going to be a great day.

CLAPPING

What a lovely speech.

Really lovely.

Very moving.

Aww. That's so sweet of you, Becks.

Thank you.

She's such a cutey, isn't she!

BOTH: Yeah.

I'm genuinely touched.

I'm genuinely, genuinely, really touched.

I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve it at all

but thank you so much.

Anything to add?

Yes... Up you get.

No answer?

No. Afraid not.

It's Steve, isn't it? Yeah. Lee. Yeah.

Yeah. Nice to see you again. Thanks.

Congratulations on your engagement.

Thanks. Thanks very much. It's very exciting. Yeah.

I used to go out with Becky. No, I know. Yeah.

Me and Becky's dad tried earlier - there's no answer.

Oh, OK.

Well, I'll go see if he's at breakfast.

It's so nice to meet you again.

We'll catch up in a bit, yeah? Yeah.

It's such an exciting day!

I was going to pop down to my car. Excellent.

You might want to put on some trousers. Yes.

..which is why I believe...

..that Laura and Paul are the perfect couple

and will be till the day they die.

I'm not going to die.

Till the day Paul dies.

Thanks, Shell. That was lovely.

So sophisticated.

Now I've just got...

BABY STARTS TO WAIL

I've just got a little something to say thank you for being

a part of this special day, when I'm marrying the love of my life -

Paul.

You didn't have to do that, Laura. I know.

That's so generous of you. I know it is.

You waited. Thanks.

Nice jeans.

Oh, thanks. Yes.

I got them from, erm...

ASDA.

Ah! Dan! Lee, this is Dan and Kieran.

Dan's me and Becky's neighbour.

He goes out with Kieran's mum, Shelly - Shelly Mills.

Oh, you lucky fella.

Thank you very much.

Dan, this is Lee. He used to go out with Becky.

We were together for four and a half years.

Yeah. Steve's told me all about you.

Has he?

No.

Nice to meet you, Dan.

Do you want a biscuit?

Erm, I'm all right.

Yeah, I'm OK, thanks, Dan. I had something before I came out.

Do you want any milk?

I'm OK, actually.

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, big guy.

We're just looking for Paul.

I'm just heading down to breakfast, see if he's there.

Oh, it's such an exciting day.

Laura and Paul - they make such a great couple, don't they?

It's amazing, isn't it, Dan?

Oh, it's really annoying. This lift's actually really slow.

Has Becky ever told you about the time we got stuck in a lift?

No.

Each one's got a picture on it of something you hold dear.

Oh, that's lovely. Thanks, Laur.

That's amazing. It's so clever.

Yeah.

The things they can do nowadays.

I've got you an especially big one

because you're going to do my toenails.

Thanks.

I've got Laura on mine. What've you got?

Lovely.

Lee!

Oh, no! Not you two!

We heard you were back.

Yes. They did a bit on Crimewatch.

I was hoping no-one saw that. You're looking very dapper.

Oh, it's just something I threw on.

Hello. Hi.

So how was Afghanistan?

Sorry, I thought you all knew each other.

This is Sue and Dennis, Becky's auntie and uncle.

This is Dan and Kieran.

Dan goes out with Kieran's mum, Shelly - Shelly Mills. Oh, yeah.

Blimey.

Lucky fella. Dennis..!

What?

And this is Steve, he's Paul's best man and Becky's fiance.

Oh, yes. Hello.

Hi! Yes! You've got the bedsit, haven't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um...

We, er, we can't find Paul.

Me and him had a bit of a drink last night.

I left him to it, so I hope he's OK.

No, but... Seriously - he'll be fine.

If he's not dead in a ditch!

I'm joking, I'm joking.

I know for a fact that Laura and Paul are a great couple

and this is going to be such a great day.

Thanks.

Auntie Becky is going to take you to see your daddy

so you can make all the fucking noise you want.

OK?

Hey, girls. Don't let Paul come out, Becks!

I'm not allowed to see him! It's bad luck, Becks!

OK..!

Oh, my God, girls! What if I saw Paul before the ceremony?

Agh!

Off you go. Right.

Hey, Shelly. What's that?

No!

Hey, Becks, don't let him see me! OK!

THEY CONTINUE GIGGLING

Paul?

Well, how drunk was he? What are we talking about?

Was he... He was fine. Honestly!

I only stayed for one then I left him to it.

I was exhausted, Sue.

I think I'm coming down with something.

You left him alone in a pub the night before his wedding?

Erm...

Paul, I've got Laura's key card so I'm going to come in, OK?

Oh, my God, this is so mad! I'm getting married!

Paul?

Look, Paul's a big boy. If you know what I mean.

Why are you laughing?

What part of this do you think is funny?

OK.

He's absolutely fine. I promise you.

He'll be having his breakfast

and getting all excited about marrying the love of his life.

Oh, no.

LAURA CONTINUES GIGGLING

Paul, mate, what's up?

I'm going to kick this fucking thing until it dies.

Stop kicking it now, Paul.

This is what happens when you leave him in the pub on his own.

I didn't think he'd end up like this, did I?

What did you think? Tell me, Steve, what did you think?

I thought he needed some time alone. Don't give me this bullshit.

Dennis, mate, come on, let's... Paul...

Oh, my God! Stay in there! Stay in there, Paul!

It's bad luck!

He said he'll take her later. He's about to have a shower.

Shall we go back into the room?

Did he ask about me?

Yeah. He's so excited about marrying you.

Did you hear that, girls?

Let's go inside and I'll tell you all about it. Bianca...

What else did he say?

Oh, tons. Let's, erm...

What did he say, Becks? Come on.

He said that you're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

Oh, my God! Go on. Shall we...

Becks.

He said that marrying you is going to be

one of the most fantastic things that he's ever done.

Oh, my God, I'm welling up.

Yeah, it's amazing. Now let's pop into the room.

Oh, my God, I'm delirious!

Laura, darling!

Lorraine! Ah!

THEY SQUEAL

Now, these fireworks.

We're going to have to have them on the back lawn, I'm afraid.

I know Laura wanted them on the roof

but that really is a health and safety nightmare.

Oh, thanks. Great.

That's fine, isn't it, Paul?

PAUL GRUNTS

Yep, I think he's happy with that.

You only need to press it the once. Sorry.

I'm not sure that's actually suitable for sitting on, Paul. Erm...

Can I talk to you about the cake? It's just we're not sure...

GLASS BREAKING

OK.

Denise, can you send Alan through to the lobby, please?

Denise?

Sorry, Paul, that actually hurts a little bit.

Lorraine's here!

Hiya, Shelly, darling. Nice tan.

Willy Wonka's downstairs.

I think he's looking for you.

Don't worry, Shell. I'm only serious.

Isn't she brilliant?!

Yeah. Shall we go back in?

Looking forward to the mud packs, guys?

I'll need more than that for your skin, Shelly.

Anyone got a time machine?

Can we go back in the room?

We don't want you seeing Paul, do we?

All right, Becky. Don't have a period.

I'm getting married! Yay!

Wow. Who invited Zippy?

That's my cousin, Bianca, yet another one of my bridesmaids.

Bianca, this is Lorraine.

She's the beauty therapist.

I've got my work cut out with you, haven't I?

Don't smile in the photos, darling. There's a good girl.

Stick them on the bed, yeah? OK.

I've saved a place for you at the wedding breakfast

if you fancied staying.

I'm all right. I'd really like it if you came.

I know you would.

LIFT BELL PINGS

DOOR SLAMS

What happened to him?

Hey. I'll just, erm...

Oh, my God! It's Lee!

Laura, darling! I've brought you a little something.

LORRAINE: Is this the stripper?

THEY CACKLE

Is this the stripper, Laura?!

Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee!

We're going to make Shelly eat out of a bin!

It was my idea.

DOOR CLOSES

I think they prefer him to me...

Do you reckon?

Did you have to speak to him much?

Oh, let me see.

Yes.

I've had a lovely morning.

I've met your Uncle Dennis and Auntie Sue - made them hate me.

Wow! And then I got to hear all about the time

you got stuck in a lift in Paris with Lee.

No...!

It was awful. He made us drink wine the whole weekend.

No Stella? No.

But you were in France.

And he made me queue for four hours to see the Mona Lisa.

Shut up... Four. Whole. Hours.

To see the Mona. Lisa.

Google it. You'll see it straightaway. That's what I said.

That's nice.

Oof.

Did she get me one?

So what's happened to Paul? Where did he stay last night?

Here.

I just found him outside the front of the hotel, topless,

kicking a plant.

I don't know what the word is.

I went into his room. It hasn't been slept in.

Really?

ALL: Bye! Bye, Lee!

LORRAINE: Bye, Lee! Love you!

They're having a lovely time, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah.

Good to see you.

Yeah. And you. Yeah.

Bernadette's lovely, isn't she?

Yeah. She's lovely. So peaceful.

She's great. Yeah.

Lovely baby.

Becks! Time to do my toenails, darling!

Will you bring me the scissors? Yep.

Becks, tell Shelly to eat out of the bin.

She's having another one of her hissy fits.

SHELLY: I'm sorry but I'm going to put my foot down about this.

No, she's such a great baby, isn't she?

Why did you leave him alone the night before his wedding?

Well, I didn't think he'd end up like that!

Precisely, Steve. You didn't think.

Stupid. It's really, really stupid.

You could've ruined the wedding, mate.

BABY GRIZZLES

I'll see you in a bit, yeah?

Yep.

They want you to look after Bernadette. Oh, for God's sake.

How's Jill doing? Can I get her some breakfast?

No, she'll only bring it back up.

All right.

DOOR SHUTS

Leave it. Come on.

I was thinking we could, uh,

get someone to, uh...

Don't you dare tell anyone about last night. Right.

You take the stairs. Yep.

MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang" by Lulu

PAUL: What are you doing?

You can't be here.

We need to talk. We can't leave it like this, Paul. Come on.

ALL: Cheesy feet!

You're going in a limo with Laura

dressed like a ladyboy.

You really think you're funny, don't you?

PAUL: Graham's brought his car.

He wants me to run away with him.

Hello, Paul.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Good luck with that. Thanks.

We're in a limo!

We're in a limo!

Faster, faster!

My car's in the disabled bay out front. OK.

So I'm going to pop out and start the car.

In the meantime, you'll need

to create a diversion

Take one of my face.

I've got loads of your face.

Shall we get one with your dad?

Take one of my face or I'll cry.

The wedding's ruined. Everything's finished.

What's going on?

It's off. It's cancelled.

Tell everyone to go home.

I can't believe you, Steve!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd