The Morning Him & Her


The Morning

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This programme contains some strong language

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I love weddings. I can't wait. You taking the piss?

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It's going to be the highlight of the year.

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Yes, um, Paul's asked me to be his best man.

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But you don't even like each other!

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Yes, we do.

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You'll have lots of fun on the stag do, won't you?

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Mmm-hmm. With all Paul's friends.

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Mmm.

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I'm going to put bells on it.

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So you'll jingle when you come up the aisle.

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Nice. This is the one I'm thinking is the most bridesmaids-y.

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Yeah, that's really nice, Laur.

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I think Laura would look lovely in a veil.

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Just something to, you know...

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..not hide her face, but...

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I know what you mean.

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Now give me a kiss.

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I want tongues.

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What do you want tongues for?

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Just do it.

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Imagine being married to me for 25 years.

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He'll end up killing me.

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No, I won't.

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Go away, Paul, I don't want to speak to you.

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Well, I'm not going anywhere, darling.

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DOOR SLAMS

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I can't wait for the wedding.

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This programme contains some strong language.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Becks...

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Becky?

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KNOCKING CONTINUES

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Becks.

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Becky.

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KNOCKING

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Wake up, Becks! It's my wedding day!

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I'm getting married today, Becks! SHE GIGGLES

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It's five to seven.

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Becky!

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I'm asleep.

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Tell her to go away. It's five to seven.

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You tell her. She's your sister.

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You're closer to the door.

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No, I'm not.

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Becks! It's my wedding day! Get up, you lazy bitch!

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That's it. You are going out there

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and you are telling her to go back to bed.

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Yeah, all right.

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Becky! Wake the fuck up.

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Becky!

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Get up, you silly slag.

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Is she awake?

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Uh, Shelly, did you open the champagne?

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No, I...

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Who the fuck do you think you are?

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I think she's gone.

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Becky. OK.

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The ceremony doesn't start till two.

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Who needs...

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..eight hours to get ready?

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Seven hours.

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I reckon she's gone back to bed for a bit,

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realised how early it is.

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PHONE RINGS LOUDLY

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Noooooo!

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Right, that's it. Answer the phone.

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Come on! Please...

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PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

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SHE GROANS

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SHE YELPS

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SHE GROANS AND HE CHUCKLES

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HE SNIGGERS

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Oh, God, I can smell myself.

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That's a new low.

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How was Paul last night?

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Steve.

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You looking forward to doing your speech?

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I'm just going to keep speaking, so you might as well get up.

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Why aren't we like that?

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Steve!

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Why aren't we like that?

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Oh, my God, shut up! What?!

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One - of course you can smell yourself.

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You're a stinky bitch.

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Two - Paul was depressing.

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I left him in the pub because he made me want to die.

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Three - my best man's speech is fine.

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I got it off the internet.

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And four - why aren't we like what?

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Because we're not a pair of fucking arseholes.

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So you're awake, then?

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Yes, I'm awake!

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BANGING

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Beck! Becky. Beck! Becky!

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BANGING AND CALLING CONTINUES

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You are such a knob!

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Beck! Wake up, Beck,

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it's my wedding day!

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Wake up, Becky, it's Laura's wedding day!

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ALL: Hooray!

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Happy wedding day!

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Oh, my God, Becks, look at Shell.

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SHE GIGGLES Oh, my God!

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Steve.

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Imagine going to a wedding like that!

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You all right?

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Yeah. We think it'll fade.

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She thinks it'll fade.

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Try not to laugh. It's ugly.

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You OK, Laura? You sleep OK?

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Um, yeah.

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I was a bit on edge at first, if I'm honest,

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but I had a little wank and slept like a log.

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Good.

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Let's see your room, then.

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I'm sure there's something we can do about it. Yeah.

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I was saying there must be a cream or something.

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Yeah. There must be.

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And anyway, when I'm all dressed up, I don't think anyone will notice.

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BABY GRIZZLES

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Ha! My room's twice as big as yours and it overlooks the car park.

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Come on, girls! Time for girly fun!

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You're going to do my toenails.

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Paul!

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Wake up, Paul, it's your wedding day!

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This is your wife speaking!

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I can hear him snoring. Aww! Aww.

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I love you, Paul, baby!

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See you later, husband!

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Could you take this for a sec?

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Thanks.

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Great.

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BABY WAILS

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I've got seven hours of that.

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STEVE LAUGHS

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At least you didn't have to go out with Paul last night.

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It was the pits.

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You know, beneath all that crap he gives out,

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when you actually chat to him, when you actually just sit down

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and have a chat with him,

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he's actually really, really boring.

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SHE COOS One minute. I'm trying to wee.

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There's a good girl.

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SHE SNEEZES AND BABY GOES QUIET

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He was telling me how Ryman's get deliveries on a Wednesday.

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Seriously, that's a half-hour I'll never get back.

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BABY WHIMPERS

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I had to leave him, I was falling asleep.

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I think I'm coming down with something.

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BABY CONTINUES TO GRIZZLE

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Here. Let me.

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Thanks.

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Hey! Come on!

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Don't be like that.

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It's Uncle Steve!

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Uncle Steve, Uncle Steve, ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba.

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BABY STARTS TO CRY

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Shall I... Yep.

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I'm going to bed.

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Steve, you going to wake my Paul up?

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You're meant to be the best man, remember!

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Do you want to be a bit quieter, yeah?

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You should've heard Shelly first thing this morning.

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I thought she was going to kill herself.

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Shall we be a bit quieter?

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It's really early.

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I think she did it on purpose.

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At her age you'll do anything to stand out.

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It's seven o'clock, Laur. People are trying to sleep.

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Did you get biscuits in your room? Yeah.

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Yeah so did I, except mine were shortbread.

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Yeah, I think ours were shortbread. Lovely.

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Yeah, but they gave me two of them.

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Yeah, I think we got two of them, actually.

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Yeah, but mine were nicer. OK.

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Right, everyone! The chief bridesmaid's here!

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She's going to start with a little speech about me and Paul

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while we all get shit-faced! You what?

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ALL: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!

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Ah, Bianca, I'm sitting there...

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Paul..?

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It's a privilege to be here with Laura on her special morning.

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Laura and Paul are just so perfect for each other it's amazing.

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So it's going to be a great day.

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CLAPPING

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What a lovely speech.

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Really lovely.

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Very moving.

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Aww. That's so sweet of you, Becks.

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Thank you.

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She's such a cutey, isn't she!

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BOTH: Yeah.

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I'm genuinely touched.

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I'm genuinely, genuinely, really touched.

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I don't deserve it.

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I don't deserve it at all

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but thank you so much.

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Anything to add?

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Yes... Up you get.

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No answer?

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No. Afraid not.

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It's Steve, isn't it? Yeah. Lee. Yeah.

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Yeah. Nice to see you again. Thanks.

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Congratulations on your engagement.

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Thanks. Thanks very much. It's very exciting. Yeah.

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I used to go out with Becky. No, I know. Yeah.

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Me and Becky's dad tried earlier - there's no answer.

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Oh, OK.

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Well, I'll go see if he's at breakfast.

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It's so nice to meet you again.

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We'll catch up in a bit, yeah? Yeah.

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It's such an exciting day!

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I was going to pop down to my car. Excellent.

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You might want to put on some trousers. Yes.

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..which is why I believe...

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..that Laura and Paul are the perfect couple

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and will be till the day they die.

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I'm not going to die.

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Till the day Paul dies.

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Thanks, Shell. That was lovely.

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So sophisticated.

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Now I've just got...

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BABY STARTS TO WAIL

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I've just got a little something to say thank you for being

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a part of this special day, when I'm marrying the love of my life -

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Paul.

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You didn't have to do that, Laura. I know.

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That's so generous of you. I know it is.

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You waited. Thanks.

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Nice jeans.

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Oh, thanks. Yes.

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I got them from, erm...

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ASDA.

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Ah! Dan! Lee, this is Dan and Kieran.

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Dan's me and Becky's neighbour.

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He goes out with Kieran's mum, Shelly - Shelly Mills.

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Oh, you lucky fella.

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Thank you very much.

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Dan, this is Lee. He used to go out with Becky.

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We were together for four and a half years.

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Yeah. Steve's told me all about you.

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Has he?

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No.

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Nice to meet you, Dan.

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Do you want a biscuit?

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Erm, I'm all right.

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Yeah, I'm OK, thanks, Dan. I had something before I came out.

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Do you want any milk?

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I'm OK, actually.

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Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, big guy.

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We're just looking for Paul.

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I'm just heading down to breakfast, see if he's there.

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Oh, it's such an exciting day.

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Laura and Paul - they make such a great couple, don't they?

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It's amazing, isn't it, Dan?

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Oh, it's really annoying. This lift's actually really slow.

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Has Becky ever told you about the time we got stuck in a lift?

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No.

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Each one's got a picture on it of something you hold dear.

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Oh, that's lovely. Thanks, Laur.

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That's amazing. It's so clever.

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Yeah.

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The things they can do nowadays.

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I've got you an especially big one

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because you're going to do my toenails.

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Thanks.

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I've got Laura on mine. What've you got?

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Lovely.

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Lee!

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Oh, no! Not you two!

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We heard you were back.

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Yes. They did a bit on Crimewatch.

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I was hoping no-one saw that. You're looking very dapper.

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Oh, it's just something I threw on.

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Hello. Hi.

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So how was Afghanistan?

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Sorry, I thought you all knew each other.

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This is Sue and Dennis, Becky's auntie and uncle.

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This is Dan and Kieran.

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Dan goes out with Kieran's mum, Shelly - Shelly Mills. Oh, yeah.

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Blimey.

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Lucky fella. Dennis..!

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What?

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And this is Steve, he's Paul's best man and Becky's fiance.

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Oh, yes. Hello.

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Hi! Yes! You've got the bedsit, haven't you?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Um...

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We, er, we can't find Paul.

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Me and him had a bit of a drink last night.

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I left him to it, so I hope he's OK.

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No, but... Seriously - he'll be fine.

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If he's not dead in a ditch!

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I'm joking, I'm joking.

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I know for a fact that Laura and Paul are a great couple

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and this is going to be such a great day.

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Thanks.

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Auntie Becky is going to take you to see your daddy

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so you can make all the fucking noise you want.

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OK?

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Hey, girls. Don't let Paul come out, Becks!

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I'm not allowed to see him! It's bad luck, Becks!

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OK..!

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Oh, my God, girls! What if I saw Paul before the ceremony?

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Agh!

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Off you go. Right.

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Hey, Shelly. What's that?

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No!

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Hey, Becks, don't let him see me! OK!

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THEY CONTINUE GIGGLING

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Paul?

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Well, how drunk was he? What are we talking about?

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Was he... He was fine. Honestly!

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I only stayed for one then I left him to it.

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I was exhausted, Sue.

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I think I'm coming down with something.

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You left him alone in a pub the night before his wedding?

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Erm...

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Paul, I've got Laura's key card so I'm going to come in, OK?

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Oh, my God, this is so mad! I'm getting married!

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Paul?

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Look, Paul's a big boy. If you know what I mean.

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Why are you laughing?

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What part of this do you think is funny?

0:16:260:16:27

OK.

0:16:290:16:30

He's absolutely fine. I promise you.

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He'll be having his breakfast

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and getting all excited about marrying the love of his life.

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Oh, no.

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LAURA CONTINUES GIGGLING

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Paul, mate, what's up?

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I'm going to kick this fucking thing until it dies.

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Stop kicking it now, Paul.

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This is what happens when you leave him in the pub on his own.

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I didn't think he'd end up like this, did I?

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What did you think? Tell me, Steve, what did you think?

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I thought he needed some time alone. Don't give me this bullshit.

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Dennis, mate, come on, let's... Paul...

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Oh, my God! Stay in there! Stay in there, Paul!

0:17:160:17:18

It's bad luck!

0:17:180:17:20

He said he'll take her later. He's about to have a shower.

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Shall we go back into the room?

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Did he ask about me?

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Yeah. He's so excited about marrying you.

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Did you hear that, girls?

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Let's go inside and I'll tell you all about it. Bianca...

0:17:300:17:33

What else did he say?

0:17:330:17:35

Oh, tons. Let's, erm...

0:17:350:17:38

What did he say, Becks? Come on.

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He said that you're the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

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Oh, my God! Go on. Shall we...

0:17:450:17:47

Becks.

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He said that marrying you is going to be

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one of the most fantastic things that he's ever done.

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Oh, my God, I'm welling up.

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Yeah, it's amazing. Now let's pop into the room.

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Oh, my God, I'm delirious!

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Laura, darling!

0:18:050:18:07

Lorraine! Ah!

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THEY SQUEAL

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Now, these fireworks.

0:18:130:18:14

We're going to have to have them on the back lawn, I'm afraid.

0:18:140:18:17

I know Laura wanted them on the roof

0:18:170:18:19

but that really is a health and safety nightmare.

0:18:190:18:22

Oh, thanks. Great.

0:18:220:18:23

That's fine, isn't it, Paul?

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PAUL GRUNTS

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Yep, I think he's happy with that.

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You only need to press it the once. Sorry.

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I'm not sure that's actually suitable for sitting on, Paul. Erm...

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Can I talk to you about the cake? It's just we're not sure...

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GLASS BREAKING

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OK.

0:18:510:18:53

Denise, can you send Alan through to the lobby, please?

0:18:530:18:56

Denise?

0:18:560:18:58

Sorry, Paul, that actually hurts a little bit.

0:19:010:19:04

Lorraine's here!

0:19:040:19:06

Hiya, Shelly, darling. Nice tan.

0:19:060:19:09

Willy Wonka's downstairs.

0:19:090:19:10

I think he's looking for you.

0:19:100:19:11

Don't worry, Shell. I'm only serious.

0:19:140:19:17

Isn't she brilliant?!

0:19:190:19:20

Yeah. Shall we go back in?

0:19:200:19:22

Looking forward to the mud packs, guys?

0:19:220:19:24

I'll need more than that for your skin, Shelly.

0:19:240:19:27

Anyone got a time machine?

0:19:270:19:29

Can we go back in the room?

0:19:310:19:33

We don't want you seeing Paul, do we?

0:19:330:19:35

All right, Becky. Don't have a period.

0:19:350:19:37

I'm getting married! Yay!

0:19:410:19:43

Wow. Who invited Zippy?

0:19:550:19:57

That's my cousin, Bianca, yet another one of my bridesmaids.

0:20:000:20:03

Bianca, this is Lorraine.

0:20:030:20:05

She's the beauty therapist.

0:20:050:20:07

I've got my work cut out with you, haven't I?

0:20:070:20:09

Don't smile in the photos, darling. There's a good girl.

0:20:100:20:13

Stick them on the bed, yeah? OK.

0:20:180:20:19

I've saved a place for you at the wedding breakfast

0:20:190:20:22

if you fancied staying.

0:20:220:20:23

I'm all right. I'd really like it if you came.

0:20:230:20:25

I know you would.

0:20:250:20:26

LIFT BELL PINGS

0:20:260:20:28

DOOR SLAMS

0:20:540:20:55

What happened to him?

0:20:590:21:00

Hey. I'll just, erm...

0:21:040:21:06

Oh, my God! It's Lee!

0:21:140:21:16

Laura, darling! I've brought you a little something.

0:21:160:21:18

LORRAINE: Is this the stripper?

0:21:180:21:20

THEY CACKLE

0:21:200:21:22

Is this the stripper, Laura?!

0:21:220:21:23

Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee!

0:21:230:21:25

We're going to make Shelly eat out of a bin!

0:21:250:21:28

It was my idea.

0:21:280:21:29

DOOR CLOSES

0:21:290:21:30

I think they prefer him to me...

0:21:300:21:33

Do you reckon?

0:21:330:21:35

Did you have to speak to him much?

0:21:350:21:37

Oh, let me see.

0:21:370:21:38

Yes.

0:21:380:21:40

I've had a lovely morning.

0:21:400:21:41

I've met your Uncle Dennis and Auntie Sue - made them hate me.

0:21:410:21:44

Wow! And then I got to hear all about the time

0:21:440:21:46

you got stuck in a lift in Paris with Lee.

0:21:460:21:48

No...!

0:21:480:21:49

It was awful. He made us drink wine the whole weekend.

0:21:510:21:55

No Stella? No.

0:21:550:21:56

But you were in France.

0:21:580:21:59

And he made me queue for four hours to see the Mona Lisa.

0:21:590:22:03

Shut up... Four. Whole. Hours.

0:22:030:22:06

To see the Mona. Lisa.

0:22:060:22:07

Google it. You'll see it straightaway. That's what I said.

0:22:070:22:11

That's nice.

0:22:120:22:14

Oof.

0:22:140:22:15

Did she get me one?

0:22:150:22:17

So what's happened to Paul? Where did he stay last night?

0:22:170:22:20

Here.

0:22:200:22:21

I just found him outside the front of the hotel, topless,

0:22:220:22:25

kicking a plant.

0:22:250:22:26

I don't know what the word is.

0:22:280:22:30

I went into his room. It hasn't been slept in.

0:22:300:22:33

Really?

0:22:330:22:34

ALL: Bye! Bye, Lee!

0:22:370:22:42

LORRAINE: Bye, Lee! Love you!

0:22:420:22:44

They're having a lovely time, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah.

0:22:460:22:49

Good to see you.

0:22:500:22:52

Yeah. And you. Yeah.

0:22:520:22:53

Bernadette's lovely, isn't she?

0:22:560:22:59

Yeah. She's lovely. So peaceful.

0:22:590:23:01

She's great. Yeah.

0:23:020:23:03

Lovely baby.

0:23:040:23:06

Becks! Time to do my toenails, darling!

0:23:130:23:17

Will you bring me the scissors? Yep.

0:23:170:23:19

Becks, tell Shelly to eat out of the bin.

0:23:270:23:29

She's having another one of her hissy fits.

0:23:290:23:31

SHELLY: I'm sorry but I'm going to put my foot down about this.

0:23:310:23:34

No, she's such a great baby, isn't she?

0:23:350:23:37

Why did you leave him alone the night before his wedding?

0:23:370:23:40

Well, I didn't think he'd end up like that!

0:23:400:23:43

Precisely, Steve. You didn't think.

0:23:430:23:46

Stupid. It's really, really stupid.

0:23:460:23:48

You could've ruined the wedding, mate.

0:23:480:23:51

BABY GRIZZLES

0:23:530:23:55

I'll see you in a bit, yeah?

0:23:550:23:57

Yep.

0:23:570:23:58

They want you to look after Bernadette. Oh, for God's sake.

0:24:100:24:14

How's Jill doing? Can I get her some breakfast?

0:24:140:24:16

No, she'll only bring it back up.

0:24:160:24:17

All right.

0:24:190:24:20

DOOR SHUTS

0:24:220:24:23

Leave it. Come on.

0:24:390:24:41

I was thinking we could, uh,

0:24:530:24:56

get someone to, uh...

0:24:560:24:57

Don't you dare tell anyone about last night. Right.

0:24:570:25:00

You take the stairs. Yep.

0:25:070:25:09

MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang" by Lulu

0:25:280:25:31

PAUL: What are you doing?

0:25:490:25:50

You can't be here.

0:25:500:25:52

We need to talk. We can't leave it like this, Paul. Come on.

0:25:530:25:55

ALL: Cheesy feet!

0:26:090:26:11

You're going in a limo with Laura

0:26:110:26:13

dressed like a ladyboy.

0:26:130:26:15

You really think you're funny, don't you?

0:26:150:26:17

PAUL: Graham's brought his car.

0:26:170:26:18

He wants me to run away with him.

0:26:180:26:20

Hello, Paul.

0:26:200:26:21

I don't know what I'm going to do.

0:26:210:26:23

Good luck with that. Thanks.

0:26:230:26:24

We're in a limo!

0:26:240:26:26

We're in a limo!

0:26:260:26:27

Faster, faster!

0:26:270:26:29

My car's in the disabled bay out front. OK.

0:26:290:26:31

So I'm going to pop out and start the car.

0:26:310:26:33

In the meantime, you'll need

0:26:330:26:35

to create a diversion

0:26:350:26:36

Take one of my face.

0:26:360:26:37

I've got loads of your face.

0:26:370:26:38

Shall we get one with your dad?

0:26:380:26:40

Take one of my face or I'll cry.

0:26:400:26:42

The wedding's ruined. Everything's finished.

0:26:420:26:44

What's going on?

0:26:440:26:45

It's off. It's cancelled.

0:26:450:26:47

Tell everyone to go home.

0:26:470:26:48

I can't believe you, Steve!

0:26:480:26:49

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