The Arrival Him & Her

This programme contains strong language.

Laura and Paul are perfect for each other. It's amazing.

So, it's going to be a great day.

This is Lee who used to go out with Becky.

We were together four and a half years.

Yeah, Steve told me all about you. Has he? Nah.

We can't find Paul. Me and him had a bit of a drink last night.

I left him to it, so I hope he's OK.

I want to kick this thing until it dies! Stop kicking it now, Paul.

What happened to Paul?

Where did he stay last night? Here.

I went into his room. It hasn't been slept in.

Really?

You can't be here.

This programme contains strong language.

PHONE RINGS

Hi. 'How's it going?'

Hmm. You tell me.

I'm stood in the lobby and I look like a ladyboy.

What, a sexy one or a sad one?

'A sad one.'

Step to your left.

HE LAUGHS Oh, my God.

You look amazing. Where are you?

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, it's just through there. Have a cool one.

Oh, you've got to pull it.

Ah, great to see you. Good luck. Thanks for coming. Good luck, mate.

What did you just say? "Have a cool one."

Have... Have a cool one? Yeah, have a cool one, have a cool wedding.

It's my thing I've been telling people. Oh, Jesus.

Shut up. It's friendly, welcoming.

I'm the best man, I want them to have a cool one.

SHE LAUGHS

How's Laura? She's good, yeah,

she's fine. She's having a cool one.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, God, he's here.

Who? He's coming towards you. Who?

Graham. Lovely to see you again. Great weather, isn't it?

Is Paul through there? Yep.

You've...got to pull it.

Good luck with that. Thanks.

Hello, Graham, nice to see you. Yes.

Hello, Paul.

How are your new shoes? Killing me...

Becks! We're doing one on the stairs!

Yeah, I'm coming!

Well, enjoy your trip in the limo.

You're funny.

You're going in a limo with Laura dressed like a ladyboy.

HE LAUGHS

You really think you're funny, don't you? Yeah...

Argh!

See you later, yeah? That hurt!

Have a cool one. Shut up!

Shall we go for a kebab?

All right?

Steve... Yep, coming.

All right, Steve? Say hello to the camera.

Hello.

Tell us what you're doing.

Putting my shoe on. Excellent.

Are you zooming in on my face?

Yeah. Great(!)

Steve! Yep.

OK, can all you lovely ladies look as lovely as can be?

Lovely, that's lovely. Very nice. Excellent.

Keep those lovely smiles up. Wonderful. Just one more.

Was Bianca's mouth shut?

Yeah. Was it? Yeah.

I'll be checking the photos. It was shut.

OK, big smiles now. Not you.

After three, everyone say "cheesy feet".

One, two, three...

ALL: Cheesy feet!

THEY LAUGH

Lovely.

Are we done?

Graham, these are our ushers.

Paul's old, old friend Keith...

Oi, less of the old!

Ha-ha-ha!

Paul's brother Ian.

Different dad, so half brothers, technically.

Not that it matters.

This is Paul's friend Graham from the gym.

He's one of our witnesses today.

He works for the council.

Not quite, Paul. I'm a local councillor.

Councillor, yeah, so you work for the council.

Do we have to go through this again?

Steve, would you like me to attach your corsage? OK.

Oi, I was just telling Ian how you met Laura.

Oh, good, yes, took her to Pizza Express. No expense spared(!)

Where did you go after that, Paul? A Wetherspoon's?

Yeah.

I've actually done a spot of canvassing

for the Liberal Democrats in my time.

Oh, have you? How interesting.

Ah! Sorry.

Graham's brought his car. He wants me to run away with him.

You are joking.

Ah! Sorry. I'll do it myself.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Dad!

Lukey! Come and look at this. All right, mate?

It actually goes on the lapel.

This bit.

I know what a lapel is.

Thanks, girls. That's lovely.

Is that in black and white? Yep.

It's a bit more sophisticated, isn't it, Becks? Black and white?

It's a bit more sophisticated. Yeah.

It means clever or old. No, I know what it means.

Next, my little man,

I'd like a picture of Shelly here doing a handstand...

CAR HORN BEEPS The Limo's here!

THEY SHRIEK

BECKY FORCES SCREAM

That's not entirely true. I'm actually a local councillor.

Oh, how interesting.

Paul, shall we...?

Sorry, Lee, Nigel said you might have the rings. Yeah.

Great, thank you, Lee. Don't worry, Paul.

Don't plan to lose these before the wedding.

Maybe after a few drinks, later, but not yet.

THEY CHUCKLE

Got the mother of the bride keeping her eye on me!

Don't worry, Jill, you can trust me.

I'm going to be family soon. OK.

Seriously, you can trust me, I'm not going to put them on eBay

and run away!

Do you mind? Sorry. Sorry.

No, it just hurts.

Sorry.

I'm just going to... Of course.

Lee, Mary wants a photo with you.

What, of my ugly mug? THEY CHUCKLE

Paul...

Paul, could I have a word?

Of course.

Did you film that bit with Becky's mum? Yep.

Perfect(!)

PHONE RINGS

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Hi! 'Hi.'

Sorry, we're in the limo.

We're in the limo! We're in the limo!

Are you all right? Paul's a mess.

Don't know what...

I can't hear you, you're breaking up.

I said...Paul's a mess.

Dave, are you there? Becky?

Can you hear me? Becks?

I can't hear you, Steve.

I've got...I've got four bars.

She can't hear you, Steve!

Steve, she can't hear you!

Becks, can you hear me?

Can you turn the music down?

MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES

Can you turn the music down, Laur?

MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES

Becky? Can you hear me? I've...

Steve, I can't hear you. I'm hanging up now.

Sorry, bye.

Yay!

Are you all right?

I just keep being sick.

Oh, God.

We went to a discotheque last night,

and Laura was making me drink this...

It was this bright green liquid and it tasted of...

She made me have eight of them.

Oh, hello.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. It's just through there. Have a cool one.

Thank you.

Have you been saying that to everyone?

Oh, it's going to be the perfect weather for the photographs.

Would you excuse me? Yeah, of course.

Faster, faster, faster! Oi! Dangerous!

You do not behave like that in a limo.

Do you think you've had enough? We're in a limo.

Is this your reading? Oh, no, don't.

Oh, she's written me a poem.

Oh, dear, Shell. This is so trite.

Maybe you should wait to hear it in the ceremony.

Friendship. Love and friendship.

SHE LAUGHS

We're in a limo! Faster, faster!

Sunroof!

Yes, that's all correct.

So, that's the marriage certificate, is it? Yes.

Do you want to sit down? No, I'm all right.

It's a binding contract of the pledge you will make today,

to love, honour and obey Laura until the day you die.

I might sit down, actually.

Love is a wonderful thing, isn't it? Yes, it's fabulous.

But I always tell people, marriage isn't just flowers and romance.

It does need to be nurtured.

I'm going to nurture the fuck out of it.

Good.

Excuse me.

Dan.

I'm in a limo! Look at me! I'm in a limo!

I'm getting married and I'm in a limo! Woo!

Hello! I'm in a limo!

Hello! Hello!

Hello!

Hello! Fuck you, you ugly fucking bitch!

I'm in a limo and you're an old, ugly fucking whore!

Yeah, so fuck you!

Yeah, fuck yourself! I'm in a limo! Woo!

These are your wedding rings, mate.

That's what today's all about.

Not Graham.

He's right.

Thanks. No problem.

Graham is...

Well, he's just a very nice man, who cares about you a lot.

Yeah. Yeah, he does care about me.

Yeah. Dan. Sorry.

But you've got to do what you think's right.

It's a big day, and you've got to make a decision and stick to it.

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah, I've got to make a decision. Yeah.

It's like... I had to make this decision once.

I saw this telly in a skip.

And I just think... Fuck it.

Paul!

TOILET FLUSHES Paul.

I've made my decision.

Paul, come and have a photo. Come on, get in the middle, Paul.

Don't be shy. Room for a little one.

Lovely. And after three, if you could all say "cheesy feet".

One, two, three...

ALL: Cheesy feet.

One more.

Cheesy feet...

ALL: Cheesy feet!

PHONE RINGS We're back in the hotel.

Oh, my God! I think I'm going to be sick.

Should we rub her back or something? Don't you dare!

Oh, my God! We're here! My God, my God, my God!

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Hi, it's me. Call me back, yeah?

You're not going to believe what's just happened.

Good afternoon, sir.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Cedarhill Hotel, Melanie speaking. How can I help you?

CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE

Woo! Oh, my God!

We're here!

We're here! We're here!

Take a picture of me!

Oh, my God, girls! I'm getting married!

THEY SCREAM

Oh, thank God for that.

Get your hands off me.

Take one of my face. I've got loads of your face.

Shall we get one with your dad?

Take one of my face or I'll cry.

OK.

Big smiles! Lovely. Very nice.

Lovely. Oi, Dad?

Stand there and look proud. Put your feet together. Yes.

After three, I want you to say "cheesy feet". OK.

One, two, three...

BOTH: Cheesy feet!

Would you like to come through, madam? Lee!

We've just been in a limo! God, that's amazing.

You look stunning, darling. You all look stunning. Especially Nigel.

Careful!

THEY LAUGH

Paul, what did you do that for? We're getting out of here, Steve.

I've made my decision. Quiet, Paul.

People are looking. Don't tell me what to do.

I'm not telling you what to do, Paul, I'm advising you.

You're telling me.

Look it up in the dictionary, Paul. There is a difference between...

Don't mind me. Act normal, I'm not here.

Hi, I'm Laura, and welcome to my wedding.

This is Shelly. You look great.

I like you with a bit of make-up on. Thanks.

How was the limo? Yeah, it was good.

We just drove round the car park, but Laura had a nice time.

Great, great...

Bianca's shot up, ain't she?

Wave, Becks.

And this is Bianca.

Hi, I'm a bridesmaid at Laura's wedding, and it's a privilege...

What do you think you're doing?

I was going to say, we should grab a coffee some time,

catch up. Yeah...

Your dad was saying you... Becks.

Excuse me.

Lee!

Oh, no, not you, you bunch of reprobates!

My car's in the disabled bay out front. His back's poorly.

They give him a badge. OK.

So I'm going to pop out and start the car.

In the meantime, you'll need to create a diversion. How?

You're going to pretend to have a heart attack.

Paul! You're going to pretend to have a fucking heart attack.

She's here, Paul. Oh, good!

Hey, Nigel...

is Becky around?

Why, what have you done?

Everyone thinks I'm hot, don't they? Yeah, of course they do.

You look amazing.

Do you want some whisky? I'm all right.

Have some whisky, Becks. It'll knock the edges off.

I'm fine.

OK, then.

I can't believe I'm going to marry my Pauly!

I know! It's going to be such an amazing day. Yeah.

I can't wait for the fireworks display. It's going to be amazing.

Definitely.

Would you mind closing your eyes while I piss?

Sure.

Steve, where are the rings? I honestly don't know. I...

So, you've lost them.

No. No, he hasn't lost them. Thank you.

They got flushed down the loo.

SHE GASPS Dan.

Who flushed them down the loo?

Um... Who flushed them down the fucking loo?

I did. Hello, everyone.

Excuse us, sorry, I've got to get something from Graham's car. Sorry.

What?

Paul, I'm afraid we've got some bad news.

Bad news?

Oh, no. Don't get too upset, Paul.

I won't.

It's just a little bit of a hiccup.

Oh, dear... What is it?

Steve's flushed the rings down the loo.

What did you do that for?!

Which is why there has never been two humans who loved each other

like Paul and I.

Yes, I know.

I'm going to put us on Wikipedia.

Right, I've finished, Becks. I'd better give it a wipe.

Yes.

You've ruined the happiest day of my life.

Nothing's ruined, Paul. Yes, it is. The wedding's ruined.

Everything's finished. We can't go ahead with it now.

I won't do that to my Laura.

She's the love of my life. Come on, Graham.

Nothing's ruined, Paul. It can still go ahead!

Right, it's off. It's cancelled. Tell everyone to go home.

I'm not getting married without the rings. Paul, calm down.

I can't believe you, Steve. You've broken my heart.

What's happened? What's going on?

I've lost the rings.

So, unfortunately, we're going to have to cancel the wedding.

Sorry, everyone. Steve!

He flushed them down the toilet.

Would someone tell the registrar. I've got to...

How did you flush them down the bloody toilet?! All right, Jill.

That's enough.

The point is, we have to cancel the wedding, so me and Graham...

It's all right, Paul, calm down, mate. Come on...

I thought something like this might happen.

What do you mean? Oh! I did. I knew it.

How long did it take you to lose the pouch? 20 minutes?

Take Paul up the front, yeah? Try not to lose him on the way.

But I need to get something from Graham's car.

Steve?

Come on, Paul.

Are you going to come with me?

Of course.

Thanks for that, Lee. Oh, no worries.

Yeah, thanks, Lee. Seriously, it's fine. Lucky I was here. Yeah!

Well, you see...

See what I mean about Steve?

He's Becky's fiance.

What a romantic proposal that was(!) Jill! He asked her in his flat.

No? Yeah.

Soap.

Bit more.

Bit less.

OK, then.

You look really lovely, Laur. Aw, thanks, Becks.

That's really big of you. Help yourself to whisky.

HAND DRYER WHIRRS

HAND DRYER WHIRRS

Have you seen those Dyson ones?

We're going to get one in our new house. Lovely.

Have some whisky.

I'm fine. It's my wedding day. Have a drink with me.

I'm fine. I know you didn't drink last night.

Yes, I did. I watched you.

And I watched you today.

You haven't been drinking, Becks.

Well, I don't want to be drunk for the ceremony. Hmm...

Such a special day.

You'd better not be fucking pregnant.

Don't say anything to anyone, because I haven't told Steve yet.

I was going to plan a... special surprise for him in the flat.

You're so fucking jealous of me, aren't you?

Just because, when it's your wedding, you won't be able to afford a limo.

You know you were a mistake, don't you?

Mum told me.

This isn't... Shut it.

How long have you been planning this?

It wasn't planned.

HAND DRYER WHIRRS

# Come closer, come closer and listen

# The beat of my heart keeps on missing

# I notice it most when we're kissing

# Come closer and love me tonight

# That's right

# Come closer and cuddle me tight. #

Will you all please stand for the bride?

# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang Boom-bang-a-bang

# When you are near... #

I am now required by law to ask anyone here present, who knows

a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry, to declare it now.

It looks like you got away with that one.

LAUGHTER

What the fuck does that mean? It was a joke.

I'm not paying you to make jokes. OK.

Just do your fucking job.

# ..Boom-bang-a-bang-bang close to you

# Your smile is so warm and inviting

# The thought of your kiss is exciting

# So hold me

# And don't keep me waiting

# Come closer and love me tonight

# That's right

# Come closer and cuddle me tight

# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang Boom-bang-a-bang

# When you are near

# Boom-bang-a-bang, boom-bang-a-bang Loud in my ear

# Pounding away pounding away

# Won't you be mine?

# Boom-bang-a-bang I love you. #