The Ceremony Him & Her

Graham's brought his car.

He wants me to run away with him. My car's in the disabled bay.

His back's poorly, they give him a badge. OK.

We're getting out of here.

This is Lee, he used to go out with Becky.

Yeah, Steve's told me all about you. Has he? No.

You haven't been drinking, Becks.

You'd better not be pregnant.

Don't say anything to anyone, cos I haven't told Steve yet.

It's a big day, Paul, and you've gotta do what you think's right.

You've gotta make a decision and stick to it.

Will you all please stand for the bride?

This programme contains some strong language

# Somewhere over the rainbow

# Way up high

# There's a land that I've heard of

# Once in a lullaby

# Somewhere over the rainbow

# Skies are blue

# And the dreams that you dare to dream

# Really do come true

# Some day I'll wish upon a star

# And wake up where the clouds are far behind me... #

You look really great.

# Where troubles melt like lemon drops

# Away above the chimney tops

# That's where you'll find me

# Somewhere over the rainbow

# Bluebirds fly... #

Kiss my hand, Paul.

ALL: Aww. Veil.

# Birds fly over the rainbow... # Paul, veil.

# Why then, oh why can't I? # Kiss me on the lips.

LAUGHTER

Please be seated.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the wedding of Laura and Paul.

My name is Caroline, and I will be conducting the ceremony today,

and this is Claire,

who will be making the legal record of the marriage.

SHE GIGGLES AND GASPS

LAUGHTER

Over the years, Laura and Paul's love for one another

has grown and matured,

and now they have decided to come together as husband and wife.

LAURA GIGGLES

Paul and Laura, as you prepare to take these vows,

give them careful thought and consideration,

for you are making an exclusive commitment to each other

for as long as you both shall live.

If you'd like to take Laura's right hand with your right hand,

and place it on Paul's left hand.

Do you give this woman to be married to this man?

I do.

Thank you. You can now sit down. Well done, Nigel!

LAUGHTER

Next...

well, you can take a seat too,

because it's time for the first reading from Laura's parents,

Nigel and Jill.

ALL: Aww.

WHISPERED: How is she going to sit down in that dress?

Er, Laura's collected her thoughts on marriage and asked us to read them.

There will be photostats of these to collect at the end of the ceremony

should you wish to do so.

Love is magic. Love is spherical.

Love breathes new life into the soul of the heavens.

Love is a cuboid.

If you can't find love, love will find love.

Love is a parallelogram.

When you're in love you don't need to apologise for things.

Love is a double flower that blossoms in the sunshine of the moon.

Stars must love each other.

You can tell because they twinkle.

If you are in love, you cannot die.

When the horses and the cows learn to love each other,

the world will be a better place.

Most people live, but not many people love.

Dreams are made of love, but love is made of dreams.

What is love but two hearts dipped in moonlight?

If love is not love, what is love...

BOTH: But love itself?

Excuse me.

LAURA GIGGLES

She was wasted last night!

We spiked her drinks!

Thank you, Nigel and Jill.

OK, Laura and Paul, would you like to come forward, please?

Yes, we would.

Thanks.

You two OK, not too nervous?

I don't get nervous.

OK.

Paul? I'm on cloud nine.

Great. LAUGHTER

The place in which you are now met has been duly sanctioned,

according to the law for the celebration of marriage.

Sorry.

Sorry. Thanks.

Before you are joined together in matrimony, I have to remind you

of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make.

Marriage, according to the law of this country,

is the union of one man with one woman,

voluntarily entered into for life to the exclusion of all others.

I'm now going to... Could you repeat that last bit again?

I wasn't listening.

Which bit?

The last bit.

OK.

Before you are joined together in matrimony... No, I heard that.

Marriage, according to the law of this country,

is the union of one man with one woman,

voluntarily entered into for life to the exclusion of all others.

Was that it? Yes.

Oh, I did hear it.

OK.

Carry on.

I'm now going to ask each of you in turn

to declare that you do not know of any lawful reason

why you should not be married to each other.

So, just reply, "I am."

Are you, Paul, free lawfully to marry Laura?

Most definitely. LAUGHTER

"I am." I am.

And are you, Laura, free lawfully to marry Paul?

Absolutely! LAUGHTER

Just say "I am."

I am. Thank you.

I am now required by law to ask anyone here present,

who knows a reason why these persons may not lawfully marry,

to declare it now.

LAURA GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

It looks like you got away with that one.

LAUGHTER

What the fuck does that mean?

Nothing, it was a joke. We're not paying you to make jokes.

OK.

Just do your fucking job.

There will now be a reading from Laura's friend Shelly.

This'll be good!

Get me one or I'll tell Steve you're pregnant.

Laura wanted me to say something about her... Louder!

Laura wanted me to say something about her and our friendship,

so I've written a little poem.

ALL: Ahh.

"It's Laura's wedding day today...

"And everyone will shout, 'Hooray!'

"She's marrying her prince, Paul

"And a good time will be had by all.

"It's an honour to be a bridesmaid at their wedding...

"Though I won't deny this speech is something I've been dreading."

LAUGHTER

"I've known Laura for many years,

"Through lots of laughter and one or two tears.

"We first at Homerton Hospital met,

"We worked on reception and it was great fun, you bet.

"We soon became the best of friends

"Our Friday nights knew no ends.

"Sharing little tips and tricks,

"If something goes wrong, you find a fix.

"Drinking in the Goose and going for a dance

"I'd really like to go to France.

"Our love and friendship goes back years

"Love and friendship that fights the fears.

"Laura's a lovely girl..."

Put it away. "When her hair's wet..."

Sorry, I'm just texting my mum. "..It starts to curl.

"She's funny and she likes a laugh.

"She prefers a shower to a bath.

"She really is the life and soul.

"She'd help you if you fell down a hole.

"She's beautiful and she's pretty too.

"There's nothing for love that she wouldn't do.

"Laura, I wish you a happy life.

"As Paul's loving and devoted wife."

Aww. APPLAUSE

BABY CRIES

That was great, love.

Thank you, Shelly, what a lovely poem.

I thought it was never going to end!

BABY CRIES

OK.

And now for a surprise, something not in the order of service,

a reading from Laura's sister Becky.

And Laura has asked me to tell you

that Becky wrote the whole speech completely by herself.

It's all in her own words!

Good luck.

Becks.

What are you doing? Read it.

Go on.

Well, I didn't really...

Laura helped a bit with writing it. She's so modest!

Um...

Um, OK.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Laura's older and...

..fatter sister, Becky.

LAUGHTER

The best thing about Laura is how much better she is than me.

She must be doing so well

to be able to pay for a wedding as amazing as this.

It's true. I am.

I love her more than anything else in the world.

And the best times of my life are the times when she comes round my flat.

ALL: Ahh.

I lead a very boring life, a bit like...

..a bit like an ugly, disabled hermit.

And I don't have a job or any money.

And I don't leave the flat much and no-one wants to meet me.

But I don't mind because I have my divine sister Laura

who I love like the clouds love the sky.

I love you too, Becks.

Thanks.

Not only is Laura intelligent and funny...

a bit like a cross between Chandler from Friends,

Stephen Hawking - before the accident -

and that one who played Jonathan Creek,

she really has the capacity to go far.

One day she'll be famous and then you'll all be sorry.

Do you think that's enough? Don't be silly, Becks.

You spent ages writing this.

Go on, Becky! Yeah, go Becky, you're doing great!

CHANTS: Becky, Becky, Becky!

OK.

My favourite thing about Laura is her singing.

Ah, I never knew.

LAUGHTER

When we were little, she used to sing me to sleep at night.

I've never heard a sound as beautiful as that, not even from a bird.

She's such a talented writer.

I wish my relationship could be as strong as Laura and Paul's...

Put it away. Sorry, it's my mum.

..their love is as sweet as the blossom on a tree.

Their happiness has never been equalled

in the whole of human history.

Laura and Paul spend so much time laughing,

it's a wonder they find time to have as much sex as they do.

But they do have a lot of it.

And when they do it makes Laur...

She enjoys it. I bloody love it!

BABY CRIES

Basically, what happens is,

Paul gets in from work and he's exhausted.

So I pop upstairs, clean my bits,

put on this thing that I got off the internet

and Paul goes at it like a madman!

CROWD MURMURS Goodness...

Carry on, Becks.

Laura is the victim of a sexist conspiracy.

If she had been lucky enough to be born a man,

she would be famous by now.

Unfortunately, though, because capitalism is evil,

not forgetting the bankers,

she has to wait for her true purpose in life.

But when she makes it,

the one thing we do know is that the world will be a safer place.

Laura loves recycling.

Every time she finishes using a piece of paper or a plastic bottle

or, indeed, a can of drink, she places it in the recycling bin

so it can be put to good use,

saving those unfortunate enough

to have been born and raised in the Third World.

In conclusion,

the great sadness of my life is that I'll live in Laura's shadow.

But from her I learned how to love,

how to laugh and, most importantly, how to believe.

I owe her everything.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Don't worry - I got it all on here.

Thank you.

Well, wasn't that lovely?

Now for the exciting bit.

Laura, Paul, would you like to come forward?

I think we might need to pop outside.

No, we don't.

Laura... Come on.

You all right? Yes.

You sure you're OK?

Yes, I'm on top of the world.

OK, lovely.

Please stand.

Laura and Paul, will you please face each other,

and Laura, please take Paul's right hand in yours and repeat after me.

I don't know my left from my right!

"I, Laura Felicity Williams."

I, Laura Felicity Williams.

"Take thee, Paul Harold Parker."

Take thee, Paul Harold Parker.

"To be my wedded husband."

To be my wedded husband.

OK.

Now you, Paul.

Please take Laura's right hand in yours.

"I, Paul Harold Parker."

I, Paul Harold Parker.

"Take thee, Laura Felicity Williams."

Take thee, Laura Felicity Williams.

"To be my wedded wife."

To be my wedded wife.

ALL: Aww.

LAUGHTER

May we have the rings? Steve.

Try not to lose them again, yeah?

He flushed the pouch down the loo.

REGISTRAR: Paul, take the ring.

Take the ring, Paul.

Oh!

Don't worry, I always carry a spare!

LAUGHTER

What did I say about jokes?

Get on with it.

SHE GIGGLES

Paul, take the ring and place it on Laura's finger.

And, keeping your hand on hers, repeat after me.

"I give you this ring as a sign of my love for you."

Paul.

I give you it as a sign of love.

Can I have a word?

Laura. Yes.

Take the other ring and place it on Paul's finger,

and, keeping your hand on his, repeat after me.

"I give you this ring as a sign of my love for you."

Can I please talk to you outside?

I give you this ring as a sign of my love for you.

Laura and Paul, you have both made the declarations required by law

and have made a solemn and binding contract with each other

in the presence of your witnesses and guests.

It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you...

husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride, Paul.

Oh, good!

Aww.

OK.

Now, would you all please be seated while we sign the legal register?

If our witnesses Sue and Graham could come forward?

Auntie Sue!

Congratulations. Thank you so much for being our witness.

BABY CRIES

Graham.

We will now have a reading from Paul's friend Keith

and his half-brother Ian

during which we will be signing the register.

There will then be an opportunity to come and take photos of your own.

Congratulations, Paul. Thanks, mate.

BABY CRIES

"Come live with me and be my love,

"And we will all the pleasures prove

"That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,

"Woods or steepy mountain yields..."

"And we will sit upon the rocks,

"Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,

"By shallow rivers to whose falls

"Melodious birds sing madrigals."

"A belt of straw and ivy buds,

"Coral clasps and amber studs

"And if these pleasures may thee move,

"Come live with me and be my love."

"The shepherds' swains shall dance and sing

"For thy delight each May morning..." Shh-shh-shh... Hey.

Hi.

Great speech.

Hah. I take it you didn't write it yourself.

No, it was Laura.

HE LAUGHS

You two really are the original odd couple, aren't you?

BABY CRIES

So, Laura's just told me.

What do you mean?

She said you were pregnant.

But I'm not supposed to tell Steve, is that right?

I just want you to know I'm here for you, babe.

Why did she tell you that?

Because you need the support of your loved ones right now.

This has got nothing to do with you.

Oh, look, don't worry. I won't say anything to Steve.

I just want you to know I'm here for you.

I'm on your side. Just when...

Hi. All right?

BABY WAILS

Smell her arse.

Ugh!

Does it stink?

Have a smell.

Augh!

Wow. I wish my arse smelt like that.

I'll leave you to it.

You've got a rotten old bum, haven't you?

Auntie Becky's going to clean it for you, isn't she?

Did you enjoy Auntie Becky's reading? It was good, wasn't it?

Yeah.

You seen how small her hands are?

BERNADETTE GIGGLES

What did he want?

Nothing.

You all right?

Are you worried our wedding won't be as good as that?

Um, no.

OK.

What's wrong?

Becks...

Laura wants a photo with Bernadette.

Right.

Think she wants it now.

Right.

You told her how great she looks?

Yeah. Good.

What's happened? Pardon?

Well, I was just wondering what you were saying to Becky when I came in.

OK.

You're quite controlling, aren't you, Steve?

What do you mean?

Well, just wanting to know Becky's private conversations,

that's a bit odd, innit? That's not what I meant.

It's a free society. People died in the war for that.

So if me and Becky want to say things to each other, in confidence,

without you knowing, that's our prerogative.

That's not what I meant.

To be perfectly honest, mate, I couldn't give a fuck what you meant.

The only person I care about is Becky.

She's a sweet girl but she's marrying you

and I think she's being a fucking mug, if you'll excuse my French.

CAROLINE: We're approaching the end now. After you.

Laura, Paul, if you'd like to come back to the front.

OK, thank you.

And now, to end the proceedings,

Laura will perform a song she wrote herself.

I'm not doing it.

OK.

We haven't got time for songs. I need a drink!

Hurry up.

OK.

I've been asked to say that the drinks and canapes

will be served in the Runciman Room and on the front lawn.

I didn't tell him.

And don't miss the fireworks display at the end of the evening.

When two people are as in love as Laura and Paul...

Boring!

Hurry the fuck up.

OK. That's your marriage certificate.

Now, it's my great privilege to present to you for the first time,

Mr and Mrs Parker.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina The Waves

# I used to think maybe you love me now baby I'm sure

# And I just can't wait till the day when you knock on my door... #

MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang" by Lulu

# Come closer, come closer and listen

# The beat of my heart keeps on missing

# I notice it most when were kissing

# Come closer and love me tonight

# That's right

# Come closer and cuddle me tight

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang

# When you are near... #

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Paul and Laura's wedding.

Paul is known by many different names...

Faggot. Wha-What?!

Laura, be a bit quieter, yeah?

I am being quiet, Becks. Carry on, Steve.

My fiancee Rebecca tells me

that the first time Paul and Laura made love... Not that.

Right.

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang

# When you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang

# Loud in my ear

# Pounding away, pounding away

# Won't you be mine?

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Don't go away

# I wanna stay my whole life through

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang

# Close to you. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd