The Speeches Him & Her

I'm getting married! Yeah! Take one of my face.

We've got loads of your face. Shall we get one with your dad?

Take one of my face or I'll cry. OK.

This is Lee. He used to go out with Becky.

We were together four and a half years.

So, Laura's just told me.

She said you were pregnant.

But I'm not supposed to tell Steve - is that right?

Just want you to know I'm here for you, Becks.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Hi. I'll leave you to it.

What did he want? Nothing.

You have both made the declarations required by law

and have made a solemn and binding contract

with each other in the presence

of your witnesses and guests.

It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you...

husband and wife.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This programme contains strong language

Is this on? Yep.

Ha-ha. Right, then.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Paul and Laura's wedding!

CHEERING

I'm Lee. I'm your Master of Ceremonies for this afternoon.

And do we have some speakers for you!

CHEERING All right. Calm down!

Erm... We'll start off in a minute with everyone's favourite

old-age pensioner, Laura's dad, Nigel.

Watch it.

And then we'll hear from the groom himself, Mr Paul Parker.

CHEERING

And then last and by all means least...

the best man's speech from Steve.

APPLAUSE

But first, Laura's prepared a little something she'd like to kick things off with.

Laura...

SHE CLEARS THROAT

CAMERAS CLICKING

SHE SINGS WEAKLY: # Amazing grace

# How sweet the sound

# That saved a wretch like me

# I once was lost

# But now I'm found

# Was blind but now I see. #

CHEERING

Let's hear it for the lovely Laura.

Well done. Shut up.

Now please put your hands together and make some noise for...

the father of the bride, Nigel!

CHEERING

HE CLEARS THROAT Hello, can you hear me?

DISTORTION FEEDBACK ALL: Yes!

Is that better? ALL: Yes.

Hello, I'm Nigel and I'm the father of the bride.

WOLF WHISTLE

LAUGHTER

Welcome to the wedding of Laura and Paul -

whether you're friends, family or freeloaders -

loved ones or loathed ones...

people we like or people we had to invite.

LAUGHTER

Whether you're here for a free meal and a free drink,

people who wouldn't have missed this special day for the world

or people who had nothing better to do. LAUGHTER

Whether you've brought a present... or not -

you're all welcome.

HE WHOOPS

HE LAUGHS

But joking aside,

I know some of you have come a long way to be with us today.

We have the Clarkes here, Jill's cousin and her family,

who've come from Nottingham. Where are you?

Give us a wave!

Over here.

And we have Richard and Mary, old, old friends from way back,

who've come all the way from Worcester.

Where are you?

There you are. Hello.

And, of course, we have our Lee, Lee Roberts, who you've all met.

Lee used to go out with Becky, didn't he?

Yep.

And he's just got back from Afghanistan,

where he was supporting our troops.

Lee, stand up, mate, so we can all see you.

CHEERING

We're all so proud of you, mate.

Thank God you're better at being a TA than you are at ten-pin bowling.

That's below the belt!

LAUGHTER

But seriously...

thank you all for making the journey to be here with us today.

So now, uh...

I'm now going to tell you a bit about my daughter, Laura.

Laura was a lovely baby.

I remember she started screaming as soon as she came out of Jill's womb...

LAUGHTER ..and from what I used to hear when she had boyfriends round,

she hasn't stopped screaming since!

LAUGHTER

She was always alert as a baby, always looking around her,

always reaching out for something to play with or suck on - and from

what I used to hear when she had boyfriends round...

she still does.

LAUGHTER, SOME GROANS

I remember the doctors were very worried about her when she was born.

She was very ill and I watched as they took her temperature

with a thermometer, first in the mouth and then in the anus.

And from what I used to hear when she had boyfriends round...

LAUGHTER

Laura was a truly wonderful child.

I remember watching her lying there, naked, dribbling and crying

I think you should stop drinking. I think you should fuck off and die.

..vomit down her front, her legs in the air, waiting for someone

to pick her up - and that was just her 18th birthday party!

LAUGHTER

But joking aside, Laura's a great daughter.

You're never bored when Laura's around.

She lights up every room she enters.

She knows how to have fun and boy does she have it.

She's a high achiever.

She's got five As, three Bs and a C at GCSE

and an A and two Bs at A-Level - they're the best

results our family has ever seen and we're all very proud of her indeed.

She gained a place at Loughborough University to study psychology

but, having just met her Paul, she chose instead to stay at home

and concentrated on her singing career.

She's a prolific diary-keeper. She passed her driving test first time.

She had a letter read out on Points Of View

when she was just eight years old.

MURMURING

And she sang in the chorus for her school

production of Little Shop Of Horrors.

But her most important role is as a mother to Bernadette,

and what an excellent mother she is.

I think we can all agree Laura looks gorgeous today,

as she does every day because she takes after her father.

You wish!

LAUGHTER

Now, then. Paul...

How do you solve a problem like Paul?

LAUGHTER

It's like that TV show - "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?" Yes, it is, isn't it?

Like most girls these days, Laura has been through all different

types of men, young and not so young, all shapes and sizes,

all colours of the rainbow - there was a black lad, there was a brown lad,

there was a yellow lad, there was a couple of Jews, a fella in a turban.

She's kissed many a frog, but in Paul she's found her prince.

GUESTS: Aww.

LAUGHTER

Paul's a good, honest man with a heart of gold

and a wicked sense of humour.

And I think we could all see during the ceremony just how

much our Laura means to Paul.

ALL: Aww!

It is at this point in a father- of-the-bride speech that

I am expected to offer some advice to the newlyweds.

I mean, what kind of advice can I give?

Look at the state of my marriage!

Dad...

No, I'm only joking.

Jill's a great woman who's still got a great figure.

Or she does once you get the cobwebs off it.

LAUGHTER

She's actually had to go back to bed cos she had quite a lot

to drink last night, didn't she!?

So...

HE CLEARS THROAT

..Paul and Laura, I'll give you this piece of advice

that my father gave to me.

This'll be good.

When you're going out in the evening,

tell her that you'll be back an hour later than you plan to be.

Then, when you're back at the time you were going to be back at anyway,

she'll think you've come back an hour early just to be with her.

That way, you're happy, she's happy...

..and she'll be more inclined

to do things for you, both sexually and non-sexually.

EMBARRASSED COUGHS

SHE MOUTHS

Today is a day that will stay with me forever.

Your dad's a legend. Yeah... I'll never forget walking my lovely Laura up the aisle. Amazing.

I'll never forget this wonderful meal we've had today

and the joy of having everyone together.

But most of all, I'll never forget how much it cost.

LAUGHTER

Though I should say, most of the cost of today has been

paid for by Laura and Paul - or, should I say, by their plastic

friends Mr Barclaycard, Mr Capital One, Mr Amex and Mr Virgin Money.

LAUGHTER

So, all's that left for me to say is - one down, one to go.

LAUGHTER

Worse things have happened to me than my daughter getting

engaged to Steve - though I can't think of any right now.

LAUGHTER

He's doing the best man's speech so that'll be interesting.

I think we're all looking forward to that!

LAUGHTER

But anyway...

Without further ado, would you all please charge your glasses

and be upstanding, for a toast to the happy couple -

Mr and Mrs Parker!

ALL: Mr and Mrs Parker!

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Nigel! Great speech.

And, just a point of order - last time we went bowling,

I got a strike on every go, so have that, old-timer!

LAUGHTER OK, so not long now till that much-anticipated

speech from the best man, Steve.

But before that, next up we have a speech from the man himself,

it's the groom, everyone's favourite stationery salesman,

the one and only, Mr Paul Parker!

CHEERING

Don't fuck it up, you perv. You're a bald, fucking cocksucker.

Paul-o!

HE WHISPERS: This'll be interesting.

On behalf of my wife and I...

CHEERING

On behalf of my wife and I...

Excuse me.

..I'd like to thank you all for coming.

It's been a very wonderful occasion and Laura and I feel very

fortunate to see so many familiar faces on this, our special day.

QUIET APPLAUSE

On behalf of Laura and I, I'd like to thank you all for coming.

I know some of you have come a long way - Laura's mum's cousin

and her family have come all the way from Nottingham.

We've got some people from Worcester.

And Lee's come from Afghanistan.

Thank you for coming -

I hope you're all enjoying the day as much as we are.

I'd like to thank you all for coming and for your generous gifts.

I can assure you we will cherish them

in our hearts for years to come.

On behalf of Laura and I, I'd like to thank Kieran

and my little Lukey for being the ring bearer and the pageboy.

Where are they?

They're with Shelly. I think they had one too many sweets...!

LAUGHTER

I'd like to thank Laura's Auntie Sue for making the delicious cake.

It truly is a mouth-watering cake

and we really couldn't have hoped for anything more.

Do we have a present for her?

You know we fucking do.

GUESTS: Ooh!

LAUGHTER

We haven't been married five minutes and she's already bossing me about!

LAUGHTER

Just give her the fucking present.

Sue, if you'd like to come forward, we've got you a present.

Give your wife a kiss, Paul.

Ohhh! Wow.

It's impossible to thank everyone but you know who you are.

Show my mum. Is it Laura? You're all a part of this, our special day.

When you fall in love with someone,

it's like your heart has been set on fire.

You get all hot and you say weird stuff and you do these mad things.

It's like you've discovered this side of yourself that you can

only see because you've been lit by the light of love.

Love is like a delicious cake.

You try a bit of the icing and it's nice,

so you cut yourself a slice and have a bite and it's even nicer, and you

end up eating the whole thing and licking the cream off your fingers.

Being in love is like giving the keys of your car to some

drunk person and letting him drive you round.

Trying to fall out of love with someone is like trying to

change the colour of your skin.

It hurts.

And if it doesn't hurt, it isn't love.

HE SNIFFS

WOODENLY: So I'd like to thank Laura for organising the day.

It's been great.

The dress is great and you look great in it

and you're a great mum to Bernadette.

I'd like to thank my adoptive parents, John and Anne.

SHE SIGHS

Unfortunately, they're unable to be with us today

because they're visiting their biological son in Australia.

Thank you for everything you've done for me.

You've always been there to look after me

through the hard times, like when Nan died,

or when I was accused of murder or when Luke was ill.

I owe you everything and I'm very sorry for trashing your house.

I'd also like to thank my biological brother, Ian...

Half-brother.

And my biological mother, Judith.

Unfortunately, she also couldn't make it today

because she had an emergency, didn't she?

Yes.

I'd like to thank my beautiful daughter, Bernadette.

You're a little bundle of joy.

and when you smile you make the whole world smile with you.

And without further ado, I'd like to propose a toast.

To my fantastic wife, Laura.

ALL: Laura!

Thank you, Paul!

Absolutely incredible, I think we can all agree.

Was that about him? So now it's time for the one we've all been waiting for.

It was, wasn't it? It was all about him. I met Steve for the first time today and if you've not met him yet,

I can tell you, it's an experience.

LAUGHTER

Answer me, you fucking faggot!

This is the man who proposed to Becky in his flat

and served his future in-laws a dish called spaghetti nuggets.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the best man - Steve!

CHEERING

I'm going to tell everyone you're a faggot.

Don't you fucking dare. Don't fucking threaten me.

Ladies...

Ladies, gentlemen...and Paul.

LAUGHTER

Friends, family... and those just here for a free feed.

For those of you who don't know me...lucky you.

I'm Steve, the best man, and I have the dubious pleasure of being

engaged to Laura's sister, Rebecca.

LAUGHTER

Now.

They say a best man's speech should be short and make you laugh -

which, by coincidence,

is exactly how Laura describes a certain part of Paul's body.

LAUGHTER

No, I'm joking. As anyone who knows Paul knows, it's gigantic.

LAUGHTER

So, yes...

If there's something we can all agree on,

it's that Paul is well-endowed.

In fact, Paul's member is so big that when there was a hosepipe ban,

Paul got arrested for doing a wee.

LAUGHTER

As I'm sure you can tell, this speech is going to be

so funny your jaws will ache from laughing -

unlike poor old Laura tonight, because having such

a well-endowed husband, her jaw will ache from something else entirely.

ISOLATED LAUGHTER

Maybe that was a bit blue. Sorry.

Anyway, all the wedding websites say "don't forget to say how

"beautiful the bride looks." And how could I forget

when she looks as fabulous as Laura does today?

A round of applause for how great Laura looks.

WHOOPING

You look really beautiful, Laura, I must say - it just makes all us

blokes wonder how someone who looks like Paul managed to get so lucky.

LAUGHTER

But seriously, it's been a great day. Thank you all for coming.

You've all made Laura and Paul's day as special as the school Paul

got sent to when he torched his teacher's car.

ISOLATED LAUGHTER

So let me be the first to say

congratulations to you both on your... On your wedding. Erm...

Thanks.

OK.

From the ushers, who managed to turn up sober - for once!

I said to Keith that I wanted him to come to the wedding as an usher.

Unfortunately, he misheard me this morning

and he turned up as the singer Usher.

Luckily we had a spare suit and he got changed into what he's wearing now.

That never happened. It's a joke, Keith.

Of course I didn't turn up as fucking Usher!

I think that's rather the crux of the joke.

Thanks also to the bridesmaids,

including my beautiful fiancee, Rebecca, who doesn't

normally wear make-up. In fact, I haven't seen her with

this much gunk on her face since...

Hm.

Erm...

Are you all right with that?

OK. Don't worry.

This is going to get better now because now we move on to the stag do...!

Unfortunately, I did organise the stag do...

If you've sucked someone off on the stag do I will never forgive you.

..but I was unable to attend myself because of a sudden illness but I...

Shall we pop outside?

Yep. This is completely inappropriate.

Unfortunately, I did organise the stag do

but I was unable to attend myself, because of a sudden illness.

But I managed to get some information off of Paul's

half-brother, Ian.

What did you tell him? Nothing.

I won't go into the details

but here are some of Paul's stag highlights - courtesy of Ian.

They wrapped Paul in cling film and tied him to a lamp post

and left him there all night.

They spiked Paul's drinks with laxatives.

After paintballing, a few of them ended up in A

where one of the stag party, who shall remain nameless...

Keith,

got into a fight with a guy in a wheelchair.

He was annoying me.

They made some children cry.

They broke into a dentist's in the middle of the night.

They killed a dog.

And...

..they hired a...a fat stripper.

Ha. That all seemed funnier on paper.

I thought you said you went to a railway museum.

Like you went to a fucking wildlife sanctuary.

Erm. Right, so that's the stag do.

Er, um...

I just put some thoughts in an e-mail. I didn't expect him to use them.

So. OK. You'll like this bit.

Paul is known to his friends by many different names -

Faggot.

What?!

He's known as Dopey, Nailer, The Baguette, Parky, Baldy, Mr Ugly...

Mr Ugly?

Yep. The Creep. The Tripod. Uncle Fester. Mr Dick. The Forehead.

What do you mean, "Mr Ugly"?

Alfred...

Sloth from the Goonies and The Granny-Guzzler.

Who calls me Mr Ugly?

Now, anyone who knows Paul knows he works in Ryman's.

Can we get a cheer from the Ryman's gang?

MUTED APPLAUSE

But other jobs you may not know Paul's had include...

barman, park supervisor, rent boy and bin man.

If you've given me AIDS, I'm going to fucking kill you.

Only one of those is a joke. Paul's never worked in a park.

I'm going to ruin you!

PAUL LAUGHS

Laura, be a bit quieter yeah? I am being quiet, Becks.

Carry on, Steve. OK.

My fiancee, Rebecca, tells me that the first time Paul and Laura made love...

Not that.

Right.

But seriously, Paul is a great bloke.

I'm going to stand up

and I'm going to tell everyone what you've done with that faggot

and you'll never be allowed to see Luke alone and they'll sack

you from Ryman's and your biological mother will abandon you again

because you're a gay, little AIDS-y fuck and you disgust me.

Yeah? Well what's everyone going to think about you for marrying me?

...or, for that matter, her mum's brains!

LAURA SOBS

Leave her. She'll be all right.

MURMURING

Shall I wait for her to come back? No, Steve.

Just cut to the end, mate.

Well, that's it from me.

Thank you for having me as your best man, Paul.

I hope I've passed the audition and maybe you'll have me

as best man at your next wedding.

Sorry about all this... I'm not actually...

very used to public speaking, so...

You could've fooled me!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHATTERING

In conclusion, then, a wedding is a time of great happiness,

when two people who love each other come together to

tell the world that they do.

I know myself, because last year I proposed to my Rebecca

and nothing makes me happier than the thought of marrying her.

Joking aside, that's why today is so important - not just because...

I think they've had enough, mate.

CHATTERING

OK?

If you'd all, please, charge your glasses and be upstanding

and raise a toast to...

the bride and groom.

ALL: The bride and groom!

Well, thanks for that, Steve.

A truly unforgettable speech, I think we can all agree.

All that's left for me to do is to say there'll be teas

and coffees coming round soon, then please stick around for the cutting of the cake, then

they'll move the tables back and we'll have the first dance... Sit down.

..and I want to see you strutting your stuff in the disco.

Oh, and don't forget the firework display later on tonight. Enjoy.

MUSIC BEGINS

Hey was that all right? Yeah. Well done. Great. Good job.

Well, that was an experience, wasn't it?

I've never seen anything like it. He was very nervous.

Yeah, but some of the stuff he said, Becks. He got it off the internet.

lots of people use those websites so he thought it'd be OK.

Well done, mate.

MUSIC: "Boom Bang-A-Bang" by Lulu

I'm going to tell Steve you're pregnant,

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Calm down, mate, come on. Laura's fucked - she said

if I choose Graham, I'll never see Bernadette again.

Ooh, what a pickle. Becky's keeping a secret from you.

And she's told Lee because she loves him.

You all right?

Not really.

Get in the cubicle and do it.

Don't be silly Laura. Becks...

Come on. Just a hand-job. OK, careful...

You can close your eyes and imagine I'm her.

Oh, my God. What's Becky going to tell me?

# Your smile is so warm and inviting

# The thought of your kiss

is exciting... #

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