The Disco Him & Her

This programme contains strong language

I was planning a surprise for Steve in the flat.

This is Lee, he used to go out with Becky.

We were together four and a half years.

Laura's just told me. She said you were pregnant.

I just want you to know I'm here for you, babe.

What did he want? Nothing.

You have both made the declarations required by law

and have made a solemn and binding contract

with each other in the presence of your witnesses and guests.

It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife.

APPLAUSE

And I'm going to tell everyone what you've done with that faggot.

Well, what's everyone going to think about you for marrying me?

Sorry about all this,

I'm not actually very used to public speaking.

Could've fooled me!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I am the bride!

I know you are, Laura. I'm so sorry.

You do not...

You do not tell me I've had too much to drink...

Come on, Laura, darling...

No! Laura!

You're such a virgin.

She didn't mean it. She gets like this...

I think my dress has got a little bit dirty.

Here. Come on. Why don't you have a little dance?

No! I'm going to tell Steve you're pregnant

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Laura!

Right, I got something I want to tell you.

Laura! Come and have a dance, yeah?

CHEERING

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones

# But when I see you out and about... #

You all right?

Not really.

You?

No.

# It happens every day... #

HE CRUNCHES

Would you mind not eating that in my ear?

Sorry. Thanks.

Oi, Steve.

In here. Now.

# Love will never do

# What you want it to

# Why can't this crazy love be mine? #

TAPS RUN

THEY GROAN IN DISGUST

Bloody hell, Paul. Oh, my God.

It smelt like this before I came in here.

HE GROANS

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

It smelt like this before I came in here.

What do you want?

Laura's fucked.

She's said I've got to choose between her and Graham.

Hello.

Ooh. Smelly!

Excuse me.

TOILET SEAT GOES DOWN

TROUSERS ARE UNZIPPED

Shall we do the rest of this outside? Yeah.

TOM JONES: # It's such a crime... #

Here he is! I'm just going to find my lady wife...

You've got your honeymoon for that!

# It happens every day

# No matter what you say

# You'll find it happens all the time

# Love will never do

# What you want it to

# Why can't this crazy love...? #

Oh, thanks.

Come with me. I want to tell you something!

I'm all right, thanks, Laura.

Oi! Go in there and get your cock out.

Hi.

Hi. Laura, what did you just say to him?

# It's not unusual to be mad with anyone

# It's not unusual to be sad with anyone

# But if I ever find that you've changed at any time... #

Go on.

Thanks, Steve.

I really, really respect Muslims.

I'm not a Muslim.

Laura. Please don't tell Steve... Shut it.

I've actually got quite a lot in common with Muslims,

because I'm nice and I'm kind and I believe in God,

but then if you annoy me...

I go ape-shit.

I'm not a Muslim.

HE GROANS Laura!

Oh, go shove it up your smelly arse.

Laura!

MUSIC: "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" by Kylie Minogue

All right?

Yep. Yes.

# La-la-la-la-la... #

Ugh!

Do you know where Laura went?

Where do you want to put it?

Sorry?

Where do you want to put it?

If you do it from behind, you won't have to look at me.

Laura?

Come on. You know you want it.

I really don't.

I'll suck you off.

You can come in my face.

Steve? SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hurry up. Laura!

Your dad likes Shelly, doesn't he?

Yeah.

Oh, come on. He's fine. He's just having a laugh.

SHE KNOCKS

Laura?

Everyone's saying how bad Steve's speech was.

Steve?

Suck on my tits.

No. Yes.

No. Why are you laughing?

Because...

you're telling me to suck on your tits.

Just do it so I can tell Paul.

Let's go and have a dance, eh?

This is your last chance.

Are you going to suck on my tits or not?

No!

Don't laugh at me!

I was thinking of popping outside for a bit, get some fresh air.

OK.

You should come with me. I'm worried about you.

You need to be careful in your condition.

I'm fine. I'm going to wait for Laura.

Becky. Come on.

HE SNORTS

Don't fuck me about.

Pardon?

Becky's keeping a secret from you.

And she's told Lee because she loves him.

OK, Laura.

She dreams about him at night.

Course she does.

She carries a lock of his hair.

Nice.

She sniffs it when you're asleep.

And she's got a secret.

She's told him...

..and I know what it is.

What?

What is it?

Laura...

MUSIC: "Build Me Up Buttercup" by The Foundations

Oh, my God!

THEY CHEER

# Why do you build me up

# Build me up, buttercup, baby

# Just to let me down? Let me down

# And mess me around

# And then worst of all Worst of all

# You never call, baby

# When you say you will Say you will

# But I love you still

# I need you I need you

# More than anyone, darling

# You know that I have from the start

# So, build me up Build me up

# Buttercup, don't break my heart

# "I'll be over at ten" You told me time and again

# But you're late I wait around and then

# Bah-dah-dah

# I went to the door I can't take any more

# It's not you You let me down again

# Hey, hey, hey Baby, baby, try to find

# Hey, hey, hey A little time and I'll make you mine

# Hey, hey, hey I'll be home

# I'll be beside the phone waiting for you

# Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo

# Why do you build me up Build me up

# Buttercup, baby

# Just to let me down? Let me down... #

Hi, Mum. This is Ian! Paul's brother!

Half-brother! I want to go home!

No, he doesn't!

Janet! Please! No! Please take your hands off me.

You all right? Yeah! You? Yeah!

Wah-hey!

# Build me up Build me up

# Buttercup, don't break my heart

# You were my toy, but I could be the boy you adore

# If you'd just let me know Bah-dah-dah

# Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you

# All the more

# Why do I need you so?

# Hey, hey, hey Baby, baby, try to find

# Hey, hey, hey

# A little time and I'll make you mine

# Hey, hey, hey I'll be home

# I'll be beside the phone waiting for you

# Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo. #

MUSIC: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by WHAM!

# Jitterbug

# Jitterbug

# Jitterbug... #

Calm down, mate. Come on.

She said if I choose Graham I'll never see Bernadette again.

Oh, what a pickle.

Dan.

Argh!

Calm down. You're Bernadette's dad.

She can't stop you seeing her.

Oh, yes, she can.

Ugh! Paul!

I am a man and I have feelings!

You all right?

Yeah. Fine.

It's me own fault.

Shall I get you another drink?

Nah. You're all right.

# Wake me up before you go-go

# Cos I'm not planning on going solo

# Wake me up before you go-go... #

You having that?

Yeah.

SMASHING INSIDE CUBICLE Fucking, stupid, fucking moron.

Ugly, fucking...

..piggy little bitch...

Is he all right in there?

PUNCHING AND KICKING DOOR Thick bitch!

Yeah. He's fine. Stupid, stinking moron...

By the way... Pathetic. ..your speech was diabolical.

Fucking pathetic. Thanks.

Just get in the cubicle and do it.

Don't be silly, Laura. Becks?

Just get it out. OK! Careful, Laur'!

Come on. Just get it out. Careful, sweetheart.

Becks, let's pop outside.

Come on. Just a hand job.

Oh, my God. You can close your eyes and imagine I'm her.

Come on. No!

It's just me and you, Paul. You can come out.

Leave me alone, Steve. I'm going to kill myself.

OK. How are you going to do that?

Dunno yet.

Shall I get you a knife?

Pills?

Bit of rope?

I'm actually all right. Thanks.

Right.

Have you said anything to Steve about the baby?

SHELLEY: Don't do that, Laura!

Shut the door, Shell.

Sorry.

Sorry, Lee.

I think you probably need a bit of time alone, Laura, darling.

I've been planning this day since I was three...

..so I don't really care about what you

and your ugly little lesbian embryo are doing about anything.

You know I love you, don't you?

SHE CRIES

SHE HALF-LAUGHS, HALF-CRIES

SHE CRIES

I think me and Becky should leave you alone for a bit, darling.

You need a bit of me time.

Do you know how much this wedding cost?

Yeah, but it's been a lovely day, though, hasn't it?

Everyone said lovely things about you.

You did your lovely song.

Everyone was saying how amazing you looked, weren't they?

SHELLEY: I think you look absolutely beautiful, Laura.

See?

SHE SLAPS AWAY HAND Don't touch what you can't afford.

I like being with Graham.

I know.

He's got this dressing gown I wear when I stay over.

It's really soft.

Ooh, it sounds lovely.

And he's got this massive bath. It's massive, Steve.

We got three of us in it.

But Bernadette needs me. She needs her biological parents.

Come on, Paul. I think you've got to call Graham.

DOOR OPENS

He's just so gentle, Steve.

OK.

He reads me like a map.

He knows every contour of my body...

All right, all right.

Becky. Sweetheart.

Come outside with me. It's a lovely evening.

I need to look after Laura.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What's so good about Steve?

I'm sorry, but someone's got to say it.

This is a man who asked you to marry him in his flat.

The most important question of your life and does he hire out a limo?

No. Does he take you up the London Eye? I think you'll have a dance.

As soon as he finds out you're pregnant

he's going to leave you. I've seen it a million times.

So, you've got to tell him and tell him now

and you'll see for yourself what kind of man he is.

If you don't tell him, babe, I will.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Tell me what?

Hey! Come on! Join in!

Don't be boring!

Shelly!

Go on, mate. Go on, mate.

Come on, mate, don't be boring.

Come on.

MUSIC: "Do The Conga" by Gloria Estefan

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga

# I know you can't control yourself any longer

# Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger

# Don't you fight it till you've tried it, do the conga beat...

THEY CHEER

# Feel the fire of desire

# As you dance the night away

# Cos tonight we're gonna party

# Till we see the break of day

# Better get yourself together and hold on to what you got

# Once the music hits your system

# There's no way you're gonna stop...

HE CRUNCHES ON CHOCOLATE BAR

MUSIC CONTINUES

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga... #

MUSIC STOPS Shit, shit, shit, shit...!

ALL GROAN

Shit!

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

HE SIGHS IN RELIEF

CHEERING

DJ: Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

Please! Don't be like that!

Leave me alone! For heaven's sakes! Don't be like that.

Um, sorry, Daniel.

MUSIC: "Everything Changes" by Take That

All right?

Come on, Shelly. What room are you in?

Yes, OK, we could've legged it to your car, yes, but my point is,

we didn't do any of those things and now I'm married to her, Graham.

DOOR OPENS

I need to do what's right for our baby.

This isn't about you and me, Graham. She needs her biological parents.

Oh, don't cry. Please don't cry.

HE SIGHS

I just want to know what room you're in, Shelly. It's quite simple.

OK, Nigel.

Have you seen Steve?

Um...

No, love. Sorry.

HE SIGHS The wife's in bed.

Get rid of that thing...

and you and me can have some fun.

Come on, Shelly. Don't be a bitch.

I can't find Steve anywhere.

Oh, no.

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

# Everything changes but you... #

You give it all that with your high voice and your fake tan,

but you're just as rotten as the rest of them.

OK, Nigel. Goodbye now.

You can't look like that and not expect men to take an interest.

OK, Nigel.

You look like a whore...

..you get treated like a whore - it's just a fact of life.

Don't get all fucking female about it...

SHE GASPS

What the fuck was that?

SHE WHIMPERS

HE GASPS

HE SIGHS

What's Becky going to tell me?

Just tell me, please, Lee...

Just tell me, please, Lee...

because this is actually really not very nice.

What's wrong with me, Dan? I can do it myself. Get off.

I'm a monster. No, you're not, you're lovely.

I'm fine. It's just a nosebleed.

What happened?

I killed him. I'm fine. It's just a nosebleed.

I killed him. I've killed him, Dan!

You haven't killed him.

It's all right, Shell. Come on, let's sit you down.

It's over. Me and Graham are over.

I'm going to do the right thing for once. I'm going to change.

Steve, I'm going to be a good father.

That's great, Paul, yeah.

I've told him it's over.

I'm going to delete his number.

I'm going to take all his pictures of me off the internet.

What was I thinking?!

When I say it out loud it doesn't even make sense!

He's 58!

It'd never work!

And he's a man.

I do love Laura. I know I do.

We have something special.

It's taken all this to prove it to me,

but sometimes that's what love's like.

She's an amazing woman and I love her

and I'm going to be true to her and we're going to be the most

loving biological parents Bernadette could ever need.

I feel like a cloud's lifted.

It's a happy ending, Steve. Everything's going to be OK.

I'm pleased for you mate. I really am.

I'm going to go find Laura, tell her the good news.

All right?

This is going to break Paul's heart.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, ladies and gentlemen, the fireworks are starting

so if you'd like to make your way outside and then back in here

for some more top tunes.

MUSIC: "The Promise" by Girls Aloud

# Cos my heart is turning to solid gold

# And my head is saying, honey too good to be true

# Oh, one look into your glitter eyes

# Power's failing me every time

# You're gonna make me, make me love you... #

This way. I think you need to tell me what's going on, Becks.

Has Laura said anything to you?

What about?

You OK? It was just a nosebleed.

I don't know what all the fuss was about.

Hey!

Absolutely. We'll be there in a minute.

Great. See you out there!

That's my son.

Never. I thought he was your brother.

Yeah, we get that a lot.

Becky, you coming outside for the fireworks?

Yeah. Definitely. We'll see you out there.

Great.

What's happening, Becks?

Come on.

Lee. You coming outside?

Yeah. Just try and stop me! LAUGHTER OUTSIDE

Right. This is it.

Come on. Let's go into the room.

No. I'm not coming in till you've told me.

Come on. Don't be silly.

No, I'm not coming in till you've told me, Becks.

Come inside, Steve.

I'm not coming in there. I'm not.

Right. This is it. I'm hot.

And I've got a sweaty back.

OK.

What's that?

Soap.

Right.

So, I'm going to close my eyes and I'm going to count down from 20...

Just start at ten. I'm going to count down from 20

and you're going to tell me what's going on. OK? Steve...

20, 19, 18, 17... I didn't want to tell you like this.

..16, 15, 14, 13...

Steve... ..12, 11, 10...

OK, OK.

..nine, eight, seven, six, five...

I'm pregnant.

HE SILENTLY NODS

Sorry, I think I misheard you. Can you say that again?

I'm...I'm pregnant.

Is this what you've been wanting to tell me?

I, er...

Lee...

So, you're not going to dump me?

SHE LAUGHS

No, of course not. Why would I dump you?

There's about a million reasons.

I didn't want to tell you like this.

I wanted to do a nice pregnancy thing.

No, I'm sorry I don't know anything.

I don't... You can't be pregnant...

This is silly... I don't know how to do...

anything. Have you done a test?

Yeah, of course. What did it say?

It said I'm pregnant.

(Fuck.)

SILENTLY MOUTHS

I'll join the library. Get a book on it.

We can go to classes.

Oh, yeah. OK. Good.

Fuck that, actually - we'll have to talk to people.

I'll get a book on it. There'll be an app.

I'll need a smartphone. I can't afford one.

I'll get a job.

I'll get a smartphone.

And then I'll get myself an app all about how to be a dad.

(Fuck...)

(Fucking hell. How am I going to be someone else's dad?)

Is this going to be OK?

HE SIGHS

Oh, my God, did I hurt you?

Oh, don't be silly. Is he easy to squash? He?

God, I threw you off the bed this morning!

It's a boy, is it? I fucking hope so.

FIREWORKS EXPLODE OUTSIDE Come on. Sit down.

Are you OK? Do you feel sick?

Are you going to be sick?

Do you want me to get you a bowl?

Is that OK?

Wow, that looks really comfy.

Sit on it.

MUSIC: "Boom Bang A Bang" by Lulu

MUSIC OVER CONVERSATION

# I notice it most when we're kissin'

# Come closer and love me tonight

# That's right

# Come closer and cuddle me tight. #

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang

# When you are near

# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang, loud in my ear

# Pounding away, pounding away

# Won't you be mine?

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Now, you are near I wanna hear your heartbeat too

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang, I love you

# It's such a lovely feeling

# When I'm in your arms

# Now, you are near I wanna hear your heartbeat too

# Boom bang-a-bang-bang I love you. #