The Hospital Awards Hospital People

-DRAMATIC VOICEOVER:

-'From maternity to the morgue,

'from cardiovascular to urogenital,

'this is hospital radio.

'Ivan Brackenbury!

-ROBOTICALLY:

-'He's bonkers! He's bonkers!

'Ivan Brackenbury, the cheerful earful.'

Good morning, Brimlington!

I feel well this morning, I hope all you patients do, too.

We are live on a Thursday!

'Friday!'

Oh, we've got the gremlins in the studio!

'Saturday!'

Hang on. Yeah, you'll have to bear with me, these are on a loop.

'Sunday!'

Nearly there!

'Monday!'

Got to go all the way around.

'Tuesday!

'Wednesday!'

Here we go... Thursday!

'1964!'

Oh, it's a bigger loop than I thought!

'1965!'

Oh, honestly.

'1966!'

HE GROANS

'Merry Christmas!'

Right, we'll have to leave it there.

OK, let's get on with the show!

'Ivan Brackenbury, out and about, reaching out

'and touching patients.'

Well, the clock on the wall said it's 10:15

and we're very excited about the hospital awards.

In fact, we are your hospital "ward" winning radio station right here!

You can still vote for your Patients' Choice Award

where patients vote for their favourite member of staff.

Now, I don't want to influence your voting in any way.

Just vote for whoever pops in your head.

'Ivan Brackenbury!

'You're listening to I-I-Ivan Brackenbury.

'Ivan Brackenbury!

'Ivan Bra-Bra-Brackenbury!'

# Ivan Battenby! #

It's Brackenbury!

So, what's the food situation?

I want something that says classy, elegant, yet fun.

Well, the canteen said they can do posh sausage rolls.

Posh sausage rolls? For goodness' sake!

This is the Annual Regional Hospital Awards,

not a night of dogging.

Well, how about canapes?

No, we're not having canapes.

Get some little bites instead.

Finger food.

Sunny does sometimes question my methods,

and that's fine.

As manager, I'm very much at the top of the triangle

and people like Sunny are at the bottom.

But a good manager always listens to their bottom.

Every single person has a voice,

no matter where they come in my triangle.

The vodka bar will be over in the corner, near the ice sculpture.

But you need to liaise with pyrotechnics to make sure

that won't be a problem for our celebrity host.

Right, this looks... massively expensive.

Elegance doesn't come cheap, Sunny.

Just ask Deborah Meaden.

Anyway, we've relocated some hospital funds.

So who is this celebrity host?

Let me give you a clue.

Former star of BBC One's Good Medicine.

You might know him as Dr Richard Good.

Better known as actor and national treasure, Jeremy Lace.

No, I can't think who it might be.

It's Jeremy Lace!

# Cos Jesus, he knows me, and he knows I'm right

# I've been talking to Jesus. #

Beep, beep!

CAR BEEPS

I do put a lot of comedy into what I do, I think that's really important.

And obviously, being from Liverpool,

it's famous for its sense of humour.

Craig Charles, Ken Dodd, Faith Brown, Freddie Starr, Jimmy Tarbuck.

They're all from Liverpool.

And despite them, we've still got a reputation

for a great sense of humour.

One vote for Father Kenny.

Oh, Mrs L, you don't have to do that!

You're already my choice. I'll prove it.

-Mrs...Leydon.

-Aw!

OK, there you go.

OK, come on, then. Let's go.

All right, love.

I said I wanted a red carpet.

It is a red carpet.

It's a rug, Sunny.

This is a high class event. I don't want them looking

at my entrance and thinking, "That rug's a mess!"

Here he is! Our secret weapon for the best awards ever.

My pleasure, Mr Lace. Susan Mitchell, hospital manager.

Oh, please! "Mr Lace" is far too formal.

Just call me Jeremy Lace.

Welcome to Brimlington Hospital.

Oh, it's marvellous. Marvellous!

It may not have all the excitement of a TV hospital,

and you'd better not shout "cut" too loudly around here,

otherwise someone might get a painful snip!

-HE LAUGHS

-Very good!

I've written your lines for the awards. We should rehearse as soon as possible.

Oh, well, actually, I was going to ask if it might be possible

to have a little look around?

Maybe see the hospital, meet some patients, perhaps?

Oh, it's only a hospital, it's very boring.

No! If there's one thing I learnt...

-LOUDER:

-..in my 11 years on Good Medicine,

it's a hospital is never just a hospital.

It's a place where people live,

it is a place where people die,

It is a place where people fall in love, it is...

OK, well, let's do that, but let's be very quick about it.

So you're going to theatre. What are they giving you?

-General ana...

-Anaesthetic, right.

Have you thought about using reiki instead?

Will that stop the pain?

Medically speaking, no, it enhances it,

which enables you to pinpoint exactly where it is.

And only then can you really use the healing crystals.

Will the crystals stop the pain?

Medically speaking, again, no.

It's just not that straightforward.

"Porter" is my job title,

but I do so much more.

I'm a psychic healer and spirit medium.

But I don't want to be seen to be profiting from people's grief,

cos...that would make me no better than a florist.

It still hurts.

-I'm pretty sure it doesn't.

-It does!

That's not pain you're feeling.

That's post-pain euphoria.

I can assure you, all the pain has gone.

You don't need to go to theatre.

It still hurts and I still want to go to theatre.

-HE SIGHS

-Tell you what, let me try my gemstones. Best out of three?

I'm meant to be in surgery.

They never start on time anyway. It's like the cinema.

HE GROANS

-Are you all right?

-No, I've got a pain in my stomach!

Probably caused by your negative energy.

That's bet... No, wait!

Hello?

E-mail time!

I've had an e-mail from Frank, who's in bed with Mrs A.

Goodness!

-Here we go.

-JINGLE PLAYS

The mysterious Mrs A. Ooh!

Oh, it's... It's MRSA.

OK. Right, we'll play him this anyway.

This is specially for Frank, it's Maneater.

MUSIC: Maneater by Hall and Oates

And this is Ward 5.

-6. 5.

-Oh, yes!

This takes me back.

Oh, look at that!

This... Oh, it's just like being on set.

"Nurse, we're losing her!"

HE LAUGHS

Oh! I don't miss it, though.

Don't crowd him, he's very famous!

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

-Are you a doctor?

-Am I a doctor?

7.4 million viewers certainly used to think so.

-What are you in for?

-It's just my back.

OK, let me see.

Just pop up.

It'll feel cold.

-PATIENT GROANS

-There we are! Do you feel that?

-GASPING:

-Yeah!

Yeah, it's just a slight abnormality of the spine at the base.

Just at the base. Did a lot of these on the show.

Maybe we should leave the medical diagnosis to the professionals.

Really? Your call. There we are.

But who do you think's more professional?

Someone who spent a few years training to be a senior doctor,

or someone who spent 11 years playing a senior doctor?

-Good point.

-Very nice to meet you.

Erm, we really must get on with the rehearsals.

If these awards don't go 100%, I'm really going to lose my sh...

Uh-oh! Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Somebody's been through the wars.

Autographs from a celebrity actor.

You're very lucky to be in here.

-I'm not sure you should be writing on that, though.

-It's absolutely fine.

Operate immediately. Remove pancreas.

No.

And then the doctor says,

"No, I said, you've got acute angina!"

Do you get it? You can have that!

Mrs Leydon gets it.

-Do you get it?

-Mmm.

The doctors and nurses provide relief,

but I provide the comic relief.

And that helps me make God's teachings popular.

Jesus got people's attention with miracles,

then he could teach them his message.

I use comedy instead of miracles,

though I do have a few tricks of my own.

Here, go on, pull me finger.

Oh...you're too late.

And I'll say a prayer for you, too, all right?

-Thank you.

-Two prayers is better than one. Think about it.

God's up there, he sees you got two prayers,

he's thinking, "Oh, bit of a buzz around this one."

OK. Oh, and if you could fill that in for me?

OK, lovely. Nice to meet you out.

-QUIETLY:

-Make sure he signs it.

See you later.

Do you need a pen?

-HE SHRIEKS

-Oh, God, I'm fine! I just fell.

We're taking you to a ward, you're going to be OK.

I don't need your outdated conventional medicine.

-SHOUTING:

-Oh, God!

But as I'm on the trolley anyway, you may as well carry on.

This way, please, Jeremy.

Oh, this is great, Susan!

Just walking down the hospital corridor, just like the old days.

You don't have a white coat I could borrow?

Oh, I know you!

You're that man from the telly.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Oh, no. This is embarrassing!

Jeremy Lace, pleasure to meet you.

I used to love watching you in that Good Medicine.

It's always a pleasure to meet a fan.

Of course, I preferred Casualty.

Well, they are very different shows.

Oh, well, Saturday's not Saturday without Casualty, is it?

Best show on the box, if you ask me.

-SHOUTING:

-Nobody did ask you, did they?!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Sorry, don't...

Just don't use the C word.

OK, next stop on the tour - tropical diseases.

Then we really must rehearse.

You might want to get your camera out for this one.

Quick, go on.

Nice one, Mrs L. Come on.

Now it's time for the answers to What Am I?

'What am I?'

OK, that's right. What Am I?

Remember the question, I am a thing you turn to open a door.

I have a silent K.

I'm also a measurement of butter.

What am I?

'What am I?'

Some of you texted in the answer before I even read out the question,

which I think is pretty amazing.

You need to congratulate yourselves.

I am a knob.

Well done.

OK, another What Am I? coming up tomorrow.

Now, a reminder there's only two hours left to vote in the

Patients' Choice Awards, so get down there and vote for Ivan Brackenbury.

Or whoever you might want to vote for.

They want to vote for Ivan Brackenbury, Shaz. Stop telling them what to do!

Well it'd mean loads to win a Patients' Choice,

because it means the patients have chosen you.

I think I deserve to get it for my charity work.

In the last year I've done over 200 different charity fundraisers

and over half of them I've raised money, so...

I hope I've done enough.

I've tried my best anyway, and it's like my mum used to say,

"Sometimes, Ivan, your best isn't good enough."

SHE GASPS

Oh, it looks amazing.

It's just... Just like I dreamed.

Oh!

Oh, I think I'm going to have to sit down.

-Sunny?

-Hmm?

Oh!

SHE SIGHS

I've always dreamed of hosting lavish, high-class events.

At college I was President of the Summer Ball.

I'm made for hosting these types of events.

I had quite the reputation.

They'd say, "No-one holds balls better than Susan Mitchell."

Testing the microphone! Testing. Testing.

Careful with that ice eagle! For goodness' sake!

Actually, is one ice eagle going to be enough?

Could we stretch to another one?

How much is in the budget?

Minus 24,000.

Does that mean we've got 24,000 left to spend?

It means that we've spent 24,000 more than we should have.

Well, don't say it like that, you make it sound negative.

In maths, don't two negatives make a positive?

If we spent another £24,000, would we be back to zero?

-No.

-SHE SIGHS

Where's Jeremy Lace?

Oh, I thought he was here?

Jeremy Lace? Jeremy Lace?

Has anyone seen Jeremy Lace?

And breathing in for me.

And out for me.

Yep, good, good, good, good.

Yep, a little murmur.

Now, it's probably nothing, but we will need to run some tests.

-Thank you, Doctor.

-Oh, "Doctor".

Feels good to hear that again.

Right, who have we got here? Let's have a little look.

Oh, dear!

Thank you for this award.

I'm not saying I'm nervous, but this isn't the first time today

I've got up from a warm seat with a sheet of paper in my hand.

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

She loves it.

OK, Mrs Leydon, how do I look?

I would.

I love getting dressed up for an event or a party,

and I also like looking smart at work.

People expect a certain look from a man of the cloth, and it comes in handy.

Once I was invited to a vicar and tarts party.

I was already wearing the outfit.

Stockings and suspenders!

You weren't expecting that, were you? The old switcheroo!

Oh, excuse me? Do you know the way to theatre?

Stop crowding me, this is an emergency.

Where on earth is he?

Quickly! She's in VF. I need pethidine.

Jeremy, what are you doing? We need to get to the awards.

What? Really?

I'm about to do an operation.

You can't operate on the patients.

All right. You guys go on ahead.

Can I at least keep the scrubs?

I think we need to keep a tighter lead on Jeremy.

He might be mental.

Check mic, one, two.

Hey, it's amazing,

I've had this suit since I was 18, and it still fits. Look!

As long as I don't bend my arms and my legs.

-How do I look?

-Yeah, really...tight.

-Yeah?

Do you think I'll be all right doing the evening show?

-Do you think I'm ready?

-Oh, Shaz!

Of course you're not ready.

It takes years of practice before you're on-air ready.

-No, you have the night off.

-Right.

So who's doing the show, then?

What's got two thumbs and loves being on hospital radio?

This guy!

I'm going to do one of my classic episodes.

Come on, out of me hot seat.

And don't get in it again. It's sacred.

Now, as I'll be away at the Hospital Radio Awards this evening,

I'm going to leave you with one of Ivan's Classic Episodes.

'Clas-s-s-s-sic Episode!'

This comes from all the way back from 2001.

It's so embarrassing to hear how raw I sounded back then.

Enjoy!

'Hello, Brimlington Hospital, we are live on a Monday.

-'Tuesday!

-Oh, hang on, wrong one!'

-HE SHUDDERS

-Oh, God!

'Wednesday!

-'You have to go round.

-Friday!'

Can you believe I used to make mistakes like that back then?

What an amateur.

-Your mic's still on.

-Oh!

-'This keeps happening!

-Sunday!

-'Here we go - Monday!

-Merry Christmas!

'Oh, for goodness' sake!'

-HE WHIMPERS

-What happened?

We'll know more when your X-rays are back.

-In the meantime, I'll get you some pain relief.

-Oh, yeah, nice try!

Getting me hooked on the trap of Western medicine.

-I don't think so.

-HE GROANS LOUDLY

You need something for the pain.

I've got something - these!

My own healing hands.

People say if there was any proof alternative medicine worked,

it'd just be called medicine.

Well, I've seen the proof.

I had this one lady - she decided to shun conventional medicine

and just go the naturalistic way.

Now, she did die, but that's not the point.

Everyone dies from conventional medicine eventually.

It's got a 100% fail rate in the long run,

but they don't bang on about that, do they?

Oh, for goodness' sake!

That's God heckling you, Mrs Leydon.

Yeah, I'm in a band. No big deal.

We were called The Congregations.

Then we were The Rhythm Method.

And then we became The Disciples.

After that we decided to focus on what was really working for us,

so we renamed the outfit Father Kenny and the Lads.

Try and keep up, Mrs Leydon.

She's to music what Yoko Ono was...

to music.

Hiya, you all right?

Good party, ain't it?

Wow! You look very gold.

Oh, this old thing?

Just something I threw on.

Where's the rest of our table?

SHE SNAPS HER FINGERS Chair!

Well, the Health Minister was unavailable,

and Michelle Obama still hasn't got back to us.

Fingers crossed.

Yes. And Lady Grantham is actually a character from Downton Abbey.

I meant the actress, just in the costume!

I think it will still be a no.

Oh! Ah! Ahh!

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'welcome to the Annual Regional Hospital Awards.'

Oh, it's me!

'Give a big welcome to your celebrity host,

'without doubt the highest profile host the awards has ever had,

'making Sheffield's effort last year look, frankly, pathetic...'

I got a bit carried away.

'..actor Jeremy Lace!'

Hello, and welcome to the 14th Annual Regional Hospital Awards

where we celebrate the very best in medicine.

But what does the very best in medicine look like?

Well, for 11 years, it looked a little bit like me.

Or my character, Dr Richard Good.

But then, like all hospitals, there were cuts.

And suddenly, Good Medicine didn't need Dr Richard Good.

"Er, excuse me? Isn't his name in the title of the show?"

"Er, excuse me? Wasn't he the best bloody thing in the show?"

-SHOUTING:

-Yes! He was!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-QUIETLY:

-He was. He...

So that brings us to the first award of the evening,

Department Of The Year.

-And the winner is...

-DRUMROLL

Oh! Oncology!

This is the third successive year Oncology have taken the award.

Narrowly beating off competition from Paediatrics.

Oncology also has more O's in it than any other ward -

with three!

Well, the X-rays were pretty conclusive.

Yep.

-You can clearly see here two kidney ston...

-Kidney stones!

Yeah, I knew that.

I actually wrote that down...mentally.

Now, there are a couple of options.

The stones are just small enough to pass naturally,

but it will be incredibly painful.

Just out of interest, what's the other option?

We give you general anaesthetic,

then use ultrasound to break the stones up.

It's relatively painless, but you did say you were opposed

to conventional medicine, so you'll obviously want to try passing it.

Yeah.

A truly richly deserved award,

Doctor Of The Year!

And now,

the sad moment when we remember all those we've lost this year.

Brimlington Hospital fondly remembers...

MUSIC: Every Breath You Take by The Police

..Ben Davis.

Adam Thompson.

Who are all these people?

Erm, people who died last year.

What, and they've won an award for that?

No, Susan. They... They're dead.

Rebecca Sutton.

She didn't do much when she was alive.

OK good.

Dr Richard Pinner and Scraps.

And the numerous Brimlington patients that are no longer with us.

All right.

Beautiful.

Really beautiful.

And now, the Patients' Choice Award.

Here we go!

And the winner of the Patients' Choice Award is...

..Rosa Shepherd!

Who?

Rosa has worked tirelessly this year in her role as paediatric nurse

and co-ordinated the hospital's Swim For Scarlet Fever charity event,

which raised over £85,000.

LOUD CRASHING

HE SIGHS

No!

I've had a long chat with the spirits and they're telling me

that passing the stone naturally is the wrong path for me.

I don't know why or what they've seen,

but it would be hypocritical of me to go against them.

So you do want the anaesthetic now, then?

Yes.

And so we turn to the final award of the evening.

A new award in a new category,

Female Excellence In Local Management.

Singling out the best female hospital manager

in the Brimlington area.

I didn't know there was a new award.

Oh, didn't I mention it? No big deal.

-And the winner is...

-DRUMROLL

..Susan Mitchell!

Susan Mitchell?! Oh, my goodness!

Oh, wow! Oh, I'm gobsmacked.

Oh! Oh, for me?

Oh! Ohh!

Yes! Ohh!

Oh, thank you so much. For me?!

Erm, yes, I've prepared a few words. I'll keep it short.

Where is it? Here it is.

In June 1965, a grocer came home from the pub with a glint in his eye

and nine months later, a baby girl was born - 9lb 2oz.

Sometimes as a manager, you don't get the attention you deserve.

People just focus on the negative.

Only last month we had no ambulances arriving late to accidents.

Admittedly, we had no ambulances,

but why focus on that side of an otherwise great story?

But I won't stop here, Brimlington.

My dream is to have my own ward named after me.

I dream of the day when the sick people of Brimlington

can enter Susan Mitchell, knowing that they'll soon get relief.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Sunny? Come here.

Kick the balloons out of the way.

Thank you. Thank you so much, Thank you. Oh, my goodness!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

DISCO MUSIC

-Hiya! Have you got Grandma (We Love You)?

-No.

St Winifred's School Choir?

Sorry, mate, I've got none.

-What about Agadoo?

-No.

-Black Lace?

-No.

Have you got Superman by Black Lace?

-Have you got any Black Lace?

-No Black Lace.

-Chicken Song?

-No.

Star Trekking?

Nellie the Elephant?

-Toy Dolls? They're, like, a punk band.

-No.

-Orville's Song?

-No.

-You got anything by Jive Bunny?

-No!

Nothing? Oh, for goodness' sake.

I wouldn't bother. He's got nothing.

So unprofessional!

Look at her.

-Whore!

-All right, Mrs Leydon.

Your limo's here

Yes, thank you, Sunny.

Winners travel in style.

The awards were a massive success.

I mean, yes, they were financially challenging,

but you can't put a price on staff morale - specifically mine.

Before this award, I'd never won anything.

People said I was a failure.

Does a failure give themselves the Female Manager Of The Year Award?

I don't think so.

So did you get Jeremy Lace away OK?

I thought he was with you?

Nearly under, he's all yours.

Now, you're not to worry. You're in very safe hands.

In fact, I remember doing one of these in a very tricky episode

of Good Medicine.

HE MUMBLES QUESTIONINGLY

Right! Let's open him up.