The Security Threat Hospital People

# Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh oh-oh

# Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh-oh

# Oh oh oh

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# Oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh oh oh-oh

# Oh oh-oh. #

COCK CROWS

'He's the cock that wakes you up.

'Ivan Brackenbury!'

Stick 'em up! Fancy dress day, raising money for charity.

Hey up, Matron - put some money in the bucket otherwise I'll blow your brains out.

I'm only kidding. I won't do that.

We're raising money for charity - fancy dress day, anybody?

It's very exciting, I'm raising money by being in fancy dress today

and I've decided to ask the hospital manager herself to sponsor me.

Fingers crossed.

Been having a think about the hospital bed crisis.

Could you look into the feasibility of bunk beds?

It just seems so obvious.

And fun.

Stick 'em up!

Aaaaaahhh! What do you want!?

Money, please.

I'm mad today and I'm not taking no for an answer.

Take anything you want.

Really? Anything?

Yes.

-This money?

-Yes, anything.

What, all of it? Oh, my goodness.

What, even this chocolate bar?

Yes! Just go!

Thank you so much. That's... Thank you. Bye.

High-ho - let's gallop off!

'The UK's favourite DJs - Ivan Brackenbury!'

Welcome back to the charity fancy dress day.

As you can see, I'm the Lone Ranger.

They can't see.

Yeah, all right! Sadly, Shaz isn't Tonto like I asked.

She's come as a triangle.

It's a maple leaf. You said Toronto.

The donations have been flying in,

even from our very own hospital manager, Susan Mitchell.

-£300...

-Whoo!

-..and a Lion bar. Thank you, Susan.

Oh, look, a couple of guys have dressed up as policemen.

See, they've made an effort, Shaz. Anyway, on with the show.

MUSIC: Superman by Black Lace

The police artist impressions are back from the descriptions you gave.

Oh! That's him. I can still see the murder in his eyes.

I'd like to see him try getting in here with the new security measures.

Yes. We have possibly gone a little too far now.

CCTV, intruder alarm, airport-style security.

It's like Batman's lair in here.

Exactly, and no-one's coming in my bat cave without my consent.

I take security very seriously.

A man, possibly a serial killer,

was able to walk in off the street and confront me.

That's not on.

This is a building filled with sick and vulnerable people,

and, at the end of the day,

if it happens again, they can't protect me.

These are the new security protocols.

Heavy!

She's our head of security?

She's just been taken out by a folder.

She gets results.

Anyone breaks these, I'll give them a warning.

If they break 'em again, I'll break their legs!

We can't rely on her.

I'll be happier when the new camera drone arrives then we can go anywhere in the hospital.

Can't we already do that, just by walking?

Yes, but the drone eliminates all major security threats.

Susan... how much is all this going to cost?

You can't put a price on safety, Sunny. 5/8's changed everything.

5/8?

Yesterday. The 5th of August. Honestly! Oh, God, look at him!

Laughing at me with his eyes.

Stethoscope needs to come off!

'Please remember to remove all belts, mobile phones,

'metal objects and liquids.

'Should the alarm sound, please wait to the right for your full body cavity search.'

I feel you've got a guardian angel watching over you taking a special interest in you.

Do you feel its presence?

No.

Right, well, I'll leave that with you.

I've got to go, I've got a past life regression on Ward Four.

Cheer up.

'I do prefer dealing with the older patients cos they've got'

more friends that've crossed over that want to talk to them.

And, also, they themselves are closer to the other side.

Especially as you approach winter.

BEEPING

BEEPING

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hello! Can you let me in? Anyone?

Someone is getting an overwhelming urge to open the door.

But you've decided against it. Yep, that's what's happened.

Form an orderly queue!

Idiots!

Can't believe we all need new passes just cos some nutter robbed the manager.

I know - it's mad, in't it?

I were in her office just before it happened.

Did you see him?

No, but one minute I'm in there,

with me fancy dress costume and me toy gun.

Next minute, there's some proper lunatic in there

with a real costume and a real gun.

Small world, in't it? I hope this don't take long.

I've got a couple of records playing.

You do sometimes have to leave songs running while you pop out for whatever reason,

and it's always good to have a few long ones up your sleeve.

I call them my poo songs.

Bohemian Rhapsody, American Pie, Bat Out Of Hell.

I've only ever had to use all three back-to-back once.

That were Poo Tuesday.

Thanks.

Is this going to take long?

It's just that I'm already on Bat Out Of Hell and I think

just knowing it's on's actually making me want to do a poo.

I know that voice.

It's Ivan Brackenbury!

The cheerful earful!

Not guilty! Yes, it is!

'I'm a massive fan of Ivan.'

I listen to him all the time at work

and I've been to all of his roadshows in the car park.

I'm not obsessed or anything.

I've got his past six years' security photos in my purse,

just because...

-JINGLE IMPRESSION:

-He's bonkers.

I love your show.

And I love all your charity things you do.

Last week's sponsored scream was hilarious.

Oh, right, that was actually a panic attack, but thanks.

I'm doing a sponsored sing instead of speak later.

# Well, I'll sponsor you.

# Thank you. What's your name?

# Hilary. Here's 50p.

# Thank you. I'll put it with the rest. #

I can't believe I'm actually looking at Ivan Brackenbury's playlist.

You can add a song if you like.

I don't normally let staff, but I'm desperate for requests.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

And there's your pass.

It's access all areas.

Thank you!

-Ooh!

-I'm OK.

I think it were my funny bone.

MUSIC: When You Were Young by The Killers

# He doesn't look a bit like Jesus... #

Oh, there we go. Oh, it's heavy, Mrs Leydon!

What is it?

Ha ha ha! Beep beep! I've done it again.

-CAR LOCK BEEPS

-Every time.

Anyone going in Ward Four?

'Scuse me, Doctor, are you going in Ward Four?

I've got a patient in there,

someone I'm helping get in touch with his Nordic forefathers. Ray?

He went for surgery ages ago.

Why am I not surprised?

Moving him around,

stopping him getting actual treatment from an actual healer.

COMEDY NOISES

Watch out, Mrs Leydon, there's a dog.

BARKING NOISE Ooh!

What do you reckon?

We've already got an organ.

FARTING NOISES

I know, but this one's got 5,000 pre-programmed songs.

And all the ones we use in the service -

Vengaboys, Black Eyed Peas.

It's even got a couple of hymns, and it plays them in time.

HYMN MUSIC PLAYS

I love using gadgets to liven up me sermons.

I've started using virtual reality.

It's a lot of fun, especially if you stick it on Mrs Leydon and put the zombie game on her.

Ooh! Argh!

'There's nothing wrong with using technology to help you spread the Lord's word,'

and cos I put it in my sermons, it's tax deductible.

I can't believe somebody at yesterday's service

complained I did a fat joke.

They need to lighten up.

BA-DUM TSHH, LAUGHING

All right. OK, time for our next hymn.

It's OK, Mrs Leydon, I've got it on a pre-set.

Oh, but I always play the songs.

It's all right, you sit down, put your feet up.

Here we go. Hymn 104, The Lord Is My Shepherd.

MUSIC PLAYS

# The Lord's my shepherd, I'll not want... #

BAA

# He makes me down to lie

BAA

# In pastures green

# He leadeth me... #

BAA

MAN SHOUTS INSTRUCTIONS

Should the alarm sound, please wait to the right for your full body cavity search.

Hello. This pass won't let me on the wards.

I've got urgent medical work to carry out.

You're not a doctor.

I know. I take a more holistic approach and the new pass won't let me in.

Yeah. It says here you haven't got clearance.

I'm a porter, I'm access all areas.

Yeah - it says here you work in the kitchen.

That's not me. She's Chinese.

Well, if the system says you're Chinese,

I have to go with what it says.

New procedures.

Honestly, this wouldn't be happening to me if I was a doctor.

Well, that's not my problem, Mrs Ling.

They will do anything to stop alternative medicine.

Doctors for years have had the cure for the common cold,

but they won't let us have it cos they'll be out of a job.

They've cured all these things for themselves.

I've been working in this hospital for eight years and I've yet to see a doctor in here with the flu.

Ask yourself why?

Sweetness, do I look like a Mrs Ling?

I'm a porter and I need clearance.

Well, this says you haven't got clearance.

I know! The pass is wrong.

Yes, I see that, sir, but I can't give you clearance without a pass.

You're holding it in your hand!

Sir, if you raise your voice to me one more time,

I am going to leave you in a world of pain.

-Do you want to see what these hands can do?

-No!

-Do you?

-No, I don't. Put them down. Let me get the pass.

Yeah.

Have you got a pass?

'As head of hospital security,'

the biggest weapon you have

isn't your fists. No, it's reason.

I explain to people, I know why they're angry,

I try to tell them I see where they're coming from, and then

I tell them if they don't get out me face I will use me fists.

'What am I?'

Right, you lucky listeners what sent in your answers, it's time for What Am I?

'What am I?'

I am made of a hard material, you might find me on a soldier

or a motorbike rider and you strap me on your head.

Well, none of you got it.

I am...a helmet.

Another one of those tomorrow. Now, this is for Mike with Tourette's.

# You know you make me wanna shout... #

Sorry to interrupt when you're on. New security protocol.

Just need to check, have either of you been recently radicalised?

No, I don't think so.

No.

Two more nos.

Also, er...

I thought you might want some more song requests, you know,

if-if-if you're interested?

Oh, yeah, brilliant. Who needs the patients when we've got you?

My ideal woman would have to be the head of Rachel from Friends,

the torso of Holly Willoughby and the legs of Angelina Jolie.

All joined up, obviously, not just like loose or in a bag or something.

I'd actually just be happy with Rachel from Friends...'s head.

So this is me mic. And that's short for...

my microphone.

It's so exciting.

I just want to grab it and shout, "Let me live me own life, Mum!"

Yeah, well, don't. And that's the charity totalizer.

It's getting there, thanks to the manager's donation.

I'd love to know how all this stuff works.

Really? What you doin' tonight?

Nothing. I can cancel anything. Anything!

Great. Well, you should take this home and read it.

Bring it back tomorrow, though - I need it.

Oh. Thanks.

No worries!

'Security. It's Susan. The security desk is unmanned.

'Get back. Roger. Over.'

Coming. Hilary. Over.

Bye.

She seems nice.

Yeah, and she's given me loads of good requests as well.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Love Me Tender,

I Want You, I Need You, I Love You.

-Do you think maybe she's trying to tell you something?

-No.

A bit of a crush, maybe?

No.

I dunno. She seemed keen.

No.

Ooh! OK, this request is going out to Hilary the security guard

and it's I Love You, Ivan.

Oh, one minute, don't seem to have that one on the system

so here's a suitable alternative -

it's a classic from Mr Blobby.

I've never had a girlfriend girlfriend but I've had loads of girls who are me friends -

me mum before she died.

Not just me mum, though - that makes me sound like a right saddo.

I've loads of aunties, too.

Ha ha! Oh, come on, Mrs L. What about this one?

Why is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?

Cos their balls are only for decoration.

BA-DUM TSHH

You can't say that!

Yeah, no, you're right. I'll save it until Christmas.

I'll use it in Midnight Mass.

'My favourite time of year is Christmas.'

I love Midnight Mass because we're always sold out.

It's a great atmosphere and everyone's had a few bevvies so I can work a bit blue.

Oh, Father Kenny is great with cheeky innuendo!

He means no harm by it.

I'm terrible at innuendo, if you know what I mean.

I thought maybe I could play the new keyboard at this afternoon's service?

Nah, you're all right. I was going to open with Jerusalem and you can never play that.

Well, I could try.

Nah, the keyboard's better.

KEYBOARD PLAYS

I've been working with Father Kenny for 20 years

and we've never fallen out.

He went through a phase of using a puppet in the sermons.

Reverend Timpkins. Oh, I didn't like that.

It was very blue material.

It's bollocks! Whoa! One minute there...

That puppet - he really led Father Kenny astray.

I was glad when he left.

Should've got one of these ages ago.

I didn't realise they're so easy to use.

Well, maybe that keyboard can help you prepare, then, because I'm not!

-KEYBOARD:

-Ooooooh!

They can do everything!

Security, we have an emergency.

Unknown flying weapon in the hospital...

Oh, wait, no, it's a fly on my screen.

Carry on. Over.

I just got your lunch from the ambulance men.

Should we really be using them to pick up takeaway?

It's soup, Sunny. It's disgusting cold.

OK, they're back.

What? Security threat?

Even better. See that doctor and nurse?

Well, it looks like they've had an affair, from what I can make out.

He's gone back to his wife but she's pregnant and hasn't told him.

It's better than Holby.

Do you think this could become a security threat?

We'll have a better idea when the drone arrives,

then I can follow them anywhere.

Everybody take your belts and shoes off.

I've got a delivery for Susan Mitchell.

You'll have to join the back of the queue, go through security, green lift, fourth floor.

As you know, Father David from St Luke's will be joining me for the evening service.

Funny guy, actually.

Before he was ordained as a Catholic priest, he was a mechanic.

So you could call him a Catholic converter!

BA-DUM TSHH

No? Tough crowd, Mrs Leydon.

Oh. Yeah.

All right. Let me find the reading.

Normally my assistant would print this off.

No. Oh...

Oh.

I suppose Mrs Leydon does do a lot round here.

Leaves me clear to focus on my calling - comedy.

She's part of the furniture. Not that I'd spray her with polish.

That's my pledge to her.

She'd have loved that.

They won't let us out.

I've got you two down but the baby didn't sign in when you arrived.

She's only just been born.

But it's new procedures.

Everyone has to be signed in and the baby didn't sign in.

She never "came in", though. What were we supposed to do?

I can't make exceptions. Sorry!

'OK, this next song is another request going out to the

'lovely Hilary, a very special woman who's been sending in song requests.

'This is Whitney Houston who, sadly, is now dead of drugs.'

# And I-I will always love you

# Will always love you... #

Anything good?

It's OK, I suppose.

Oh, I remember this one. Yeah, that got a big laugh.

Shouldn't you be doing the afternoon service?

Well, I needed to talk to you. I've got a dilemma.

It's not the Kenny Dalglish Jesus dream again, is it?

No.

I took someone for granted and I need their forgiveness.

She's my organist. Well, she's a lot more than that,

and I'm just hoping she'll forgive me and come back.

I thought you didn't need an organist with your new keyboard.

Well, it's not the piano, Mrs Leydon, it's who's hitting the keys.

Am I right, girls?

Ooh, you are funny!

Come on, we've got a service to do.

I'll tell you what, as a special treat I'll bring back the Reverend Timpkins.

-I know you like him.

-Ooh, yeah!

All right? Come on, then, I've still got his number.

"Yes, you have!" Who said that?!

-Oh.

-Come on!

Sod it.

OUT OF TUNE SINGING

THEY ALL SING HYMN

I don't think it's possible.

But it looks so state of the art. I'd love it for here.

Uh, yeah. The only thing is, The Matrix was a film.

Well, just see if it is possible.

-Sunny, look!

-What? Have you had your nails done again?

No, there. That box. It's a suspicious package.

We've got a suspicious package.

We'll have to evacuate.

What? That's a huge procedure.

Do we really want to evacuate the entire hospital over a package?

It's in the security protocols.

To think, yesterday we would just have binned that box.

Now, thanks to my terrible ordeal,

we can manage this threat and evacuate.

Or we just bin the box?

I'd feel a lot better after a big evacuation, Sunny.

All right, look. How about just this wing?

Fine.

But would it kill you to be a bit ambitious for once in your life?

'Evacuation. Please leave the hospital immediately.

'Evacuation. Please leave the hospital immediately.'

Don't worry, folks,

Ivan Brackenbury, the cheerful earful, is still here.

If you are evacuating, take a radio with you cos I'll will be doing

me afternoon quiz, What Hat Am I Wearing?

You will need the exact style, colour and fabric.

Are you coming?

No. A good DJ always goes down with his ship.

Anyway, they're always doing these tests,

and it never amounts to anything.

-They reckon it could be a bomb.

-Oh!

Well, you might want to hurry up there, ladies and gentlemen,

I've just been reliably informed that it's definitely a bomb.

That's a Drive Time exclusive.

-Boom!

-'Drive Time exclusive.'

'Evacuation. Please leave the hospital immediately.

'Evacuation. Please leave the hospital immediately.'

Shall we take the valuables, just in case?

No, Mrs Leydon, leave the keyboard.

-I just want to take the things that are really important to me.

-Ah!

So you grab the Reverend Timpkins and I'll get the stuff off the wall.

-Has he just winked at you?

-Oh!

Hilary, what are you doing here?

Evacuation. I've got to make sure everyone leaves the wing.

I'm not going anywhere. The airwaves need me.

You're so brave.

I could stay with you and push your buttons if you show me how.

I thought you were supposed to be helping everyone get out?

'Hilary, what's taking you so long? Over. Victor.'

Stop telling me what to do, Susan!

RADIO SHATTERS

I'm staying here.

Would you like to sit in me chair?

-Yeah!

-There you go.

That's the fader for me mic, right, and I push that forward gently when I need to speak.

Oh!

OK? And this one's for the music.

You just slide it up like this.

MUSIC: Unchained Melody

Oh! Hang on. That's... Not that one. This one.

# A little bit of Monica... #

Oh! That were lucky! That wasn't on the playlist.

I don't think anyone would have noticed. I got to it just in time.

What a nightmare!

People'll be wondering why I'm playing the theme from Ghost!

Come on, hurry up or get out of the way -

one or the other!

That's the bomb squad in there now.

They'll be carrying out a controlled explosion.

And to think you doubted my safety fears.

You're probably feeling pretty stupid right now.

Just cold, really. I left my coat inside.

PHONE RINGS

Probably be the health minister calling to congratulate me on my security measures.

Hello, Susan Mitchell?

Yes, I am expecting a package delivery.

What?

They're telling me they couldn't get into my office

so they left the package in a corridor.

EXPLOSION

Yes, I've noticed some damage to the item so I will be returning it.

So, how much did that drone cost?

Sunny, I've told you before - you can't put a price on safety.

Three-and-a-half thousand pounds.

'It is now safe to enter the building.

'It is now safe to enter the building.'

He says he forgives you. Does that make sense?

Excuse me - we're in the middle of a psychic reading here.

Honestly, surly chef - how rude! Could've knocked.

I've had to accept my pass is my path,

and wherever it now allows me to go, is where I can connect,

because while there are obstacles to the physical,

there are no barriers to the mental.

Where were we? Oh, yes, your cat!

He says he forgives you, OK?

He knows he needed to be neutered,

and with that, I'm going to leave my love there with you, all right, my darling?

Well, I think we can call the security drive a success.

How's that?

It was 14 times over budget,

the evacuation meant five vital operations were missed, and...

Well, if you want to talk about safety in figures, fine.

Here's a figure. Yesterday, I was robbed once. Today? No times.

That's a 100% drop-off in maniacs robbing me.

Although who knows where he is now.

# I'm the love that you looked for Write to me and escape

# Yes I like Pina Colada... #

Back tomorrow at six with the Breakfast Show in association with Lyle and Co Funeral Directors.

The Breakfast Show - brightening up your mourning.

Oh, look, they've spelt morning wrong. There's no U in it, is there?

You're so clever. That were amazing!

Ah. I couldn't have done it without you.

Aw!

Well, I normally do,

but if you ever want to help out again, just pop by.

This might sound mad, but I was wondering if maybe you might,

you know, fancy a drink?

Wow.

Or not, you know. Up to you.

Just thought you might...

Yeah. Yeah, Hilary, I'd really like that.

You would?

Yeah. Tea, four sugars.

DOOR OPENS

Ooh, she's been back, has she? I think she fancies you.

Don't be silly. I can usually spot these things.

I've got a very good girl-dar.

Finally, a big shout to everyone returning from the evacuation.

Coming up later, I'll be playing our new game

live from the geriatrics' ward - The Weakest Hip.

But now, this is going out to Julie,

who's not too happy about the plastic surgery she's had done.

This is the Communards.

# Don't leave me this way

# I don't understand how I'm at your command

# So, baby, please don't don't you leave me this way... #

SHE GROANS # Baby, my heart is full of love and desire for you

# So come down and do what you've gotta do... #

SHE SHOUTS # You started this fire down in my soul

# Now can't you see it's burning out of control

# So come down and satisfy the need in me

# Cos only your good loving will set me free

-# Set me free

-Set me free

# Set me free Set me free

# Set me free Set me free-ee-ee-ee

# Set me free

# Set me free

# Set me free

# Set me free. #