The Local Millionaire Hospital People

It's your job to make my rotas work!

You've put eight days down.

There's only seven days in a week!

Yes, I know, but it should still be workable.

-How? We can't make up an extra day of the w-w-w...

-VIDEO SKIPS

-..with respect...

-You're breaking up!

-..most moronic...

-How is this happening again?

-..ever heard.

-You have to make an eight-day week work.

-What?

In last week's targets, the nurses were two days off.

Give the nurses two days off?

-No!

-Great, Susan!

SHE SIGHS Is there any way round this happening every time

I have a video meeting, Sunny?

Well, you could go to actual meetings,

rather than doing them all from your office.

I mean, that one was only one floor down.

I'm a very important senior staff member.

I don't have time to go to meetings.

I just need a video call that doesn't cut out every two minutes.

Right, who's next?

You have a paediatrics conference call

with Mike Hunt and Anita Hardcock.

Yeah, well, I might do that one face-to-face.

-RADIO JINGLE:

-One of the UK's favourite DJs!

Ivan Brackenbury!

Hello, Ivan Brackenbury here. How you diddling?

The clock on the wall says 09:02 in the morning,

or 21:02 in layman's terms.

Coming up later I'll be live at another department

finding out what exactly they do.

-BOING

-What exactly they do!

That's right!

Thanks again to colonoscopy for their live demonstration yesterday.

I'm sorry I broke your equipment.

Maybe next time warm it up a bit?

OK, it's time now for my charity appeal.

-BOING

-Charity appeal!

Yeah, that's right.

MELANCHOLY MUSIC Henry's just eight years old and needs your help.

Henry's going blind and needs an operation.

If we can raise just £30,000,

then we can take Henry to America

and we can help him see again.

So very sad.

UPBEAT: Right, here's Katrina & The Waves!

MUSIC: Walking on Sunshine By Katrina & The Waves

Wow, Ivan, we've had more donations in for Henry.

Some of the nurses clubbed together. Look - there must be over £800 here!

Amazing! It's so good to see the nurses taking some time out

to help someone for a change.

Put it on the totaliser.

Five grand! That's miles more than you've ever raised.

I know! Where were this generosity

when we were raising money for the new headphones?

Well, this is for an eight-year-old to have a sight-saving operation.

Yeah, exactly.

Don't make any sense.

DOOR OPENS Oh, there you are.

Would it kill you to pick up your phone?

Yeah, sorry about that, my phone's still doing that weird thing

where it's not getting any of your calls.

SHE SIGHS

Anyway, you'll never guess who's been admitted. Tony Jackson!

Who?

You know, Tony Jackson, the guy who runs Jackson's Pallets in town.

Oh! Maybe I should get my autograph book(!)

Maybe I could have a selfie with him while I'm there(!)

I thought you'd be interested.

He's that millionaire who's donated loads to the hospital before.

Make sure he's got a decent bed - somewhere with a view.

-What ward's he on?

-He's still waiting for a bed.

Sunny! We can't have him waiting for a bed.

We've got a duty of care here at Brimlington.

Just chuck someone else out and make room for him.

One of the tracheotomy patients, they won't say anything.

That screening van out the front? I donated that. 50 grand.

Four dialysis machines. 20 grand each.

You can't fart in this hospital

without it touching something I've paid for.

I actually donate a lot to this hospital, too.

Psychic readings, holistic healing practices.

And I give that to the patients for free,

even though some of them insist I don't have to.

I don't believe any of that rubbish.

If you're psychic, how come you ain't won the lottery?

How do you know I haven't?

Your haircut.

You do get the sceptics

what poo-poo what you do-do.

But they don't get to me. They're just boring.

Can you imagine two sceptics at a party?

"Hello, what's your name?"

"Nigel."

"Is it? Where's your evidence for that?"

Put him on ward five, that's the best view.

But have it cleaned top to bottom first, though.

And a fresh coat of paint!

Make sure all the patients are presentable, no nasty tubes.

And no coughers!

-Why do we need to do all this?

-He's a millionaire donor,

and we're a hospital with a massive funding black hole.

One cheque from him and this hospital's biggest problem could be solved.

-What, the MRSA rates?

-No!

The serious lack of high-speed video conferencing facilities.

If we show him a good time, who knows how much he'll give us.

Great. I'll get the nurses to give him round-the-clock bedbaths, then.

That should keep him happy.

That's a very good idea.

Tell them they don't have to do anything they're uncomfortable with.

But it's for the good of the hospital,

so now's not the time to be shy.

As a psychic, I'm a strong conductor of spirits from the other side.

The other side?

Sounds more like you're talking out of your backside.

You've obviously no understanding of what it takes to be a medium.

No.

I'm a large!

When I was 15, I left school.

Only had five pound in my pocket.

I spent that on pallets.

I made six quid.

I spent that on pallets.

40 years later...

..I've got an indoor swimming pool

and a wife with a 50 grand boob job.

I owe it all to pallets.

All right, all right.

Hey, ward five. How you doing?

Oh, come on, it's a hospital, not a morgue. You can do better than that!

Right, I'm going to go out, going to come back in,

I want a big ward five welcome, all right?

All right, here we go!

I love this hospital chapel, it's like a home.

Especially since I upgraded the Sky to the movies.

But nothing beats getting out there and spreading the Lord's word.

It's like a sailor on shore leave.

You feel cooped up after a while.

It's nice to get out and have some fun.

Not sexual. You know, I'm celibate through choice.

Not mine.

She's hurt her leg, just like that. Do you know what I call her?

Eileen. Do you get it?

Broke my leg in three places, Father.

Wouldn't go to those places again, then.

-I was literally about to say that. Tommy Cooper!

-The best.

My all-time hero. He's what got me in to this business.

-What, religion?

-No, comedy!

Actually, Father, there was something...

-Father Kenny.

-Tony Jackson.

-What you in for, Tony?

You'll never believe this. Swallowed a ten pound note.

I've got this! And the doctor said, "No change".

You've got it!

No, I collapsed this morning.

Eating a bacon butty.

Oh, and the bacon - lean back?

-Very good!

-HE LAUGHS

No, it's not a joke.

They don't know what's wrong with me, and they're running some tests.

Oh! Oh, well, listen. I'm doing a service later.

I like to put some jokes in it. Might be really up your street?

Be great to see you there.

-I might come.

-Oh, great, Tony. See you later.

I've got to walk this one.

HE BARKS

It's a dog on a lead.

Listen, you've been fantastic.

I'm Father Kenny, I'll see you later.

HE CONTINUES TO BARK AND TONY LAUGHS

Right, which one's Tony?

Sleeping mouth open or fat and laughing?

Fat and laughing.

Mr Jackson? Susan Mitchell, hospital manager.

I am so sorry to hear about your fall.

I'll be up and about in no time.

Takes more than a fall to keep Tony Jackson

from doing a hard day's graft.

Yes.

I've brought you a selection of magazines.

If you want anything more "top shelf", just ask Sunny.

I know you men have your needs.

Am I getting preferential treatment?

No, I do this for all the patients.

I never got magazines.

Sunny, give that man a magazine.

Practical Carpentry or Carpworld?

Anything you need, just call and I'll come running.

I'm impressed, Susan. You've got the personal touch.

A lot of managers sit on their arses making calls.

But not you.

The way I see it, Tony, is these aren't patients. They're family.

I feel the same way about pallets.

Oh, speaking of family,

I always think a family is at its best when it stays in touch.

And the best way to stay in touch is with high-speed video conferencing facilities.

Have you seen the nurses anywhere? I need the toilet.

Could you take me to the toilet?

-We're actually in the middle of something!

-Susan?

Family member in need of help.

Er, I mean, yes, of course.

Why don't you come with me, I'll... I'll follow you. After you.

Yeah.

Blimey. She makes a change from the last manager here.

He was useless. Whatever happened to him?

He was promoted.

I try not to give my patients names because it tends to humanise them.

I identify them by...traits instead.

It's like farmers, they don't name their pigs because they know,

in a week or so, that pig'll be sausage.

Now it's time for the answers to What Am I?

-RADIO JINGLE:

-What am I?

That's right, remember the question. I am made of wood.

I am long and thin and I'm usually found in flooring.

What am I?

What am I?

Well, none of you got it.

I am a plank.

OK, another one of those tomorrow.

This is going out to little Henry who, with your help,

might just see again.

This is Bright Eyes.

MUSIC: Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel

You'll never guess who that was.

Er, Art Garfunkel. Next question.

No, on the phone. That was Brimlington Echo!

They've heard about Help Henry. They want to put him on the front page this afternoon.

-Oh, brilliant!

-I said I'd send them a photo. Can I use the poster one?

Yeah. It's a good picture of him, in't it?

Shame me nephew's in it,

but it's the only decent picture I've got of Henry.

Ivan?

Is Henry a rabbit?

Yeah.

You never said he was a rabbit.

Do you not think that maybe people maybe assumed he was the boy in the photo?

No.

Don't you think that's why they're donating so much money?

No. People like rabbits.

Just played Bright Eyes, it's a song about rabbitses eyes.

No-one's going to make that mistake. They're not stupid.

KNOCKING It's Mrs Leydon!

Come in!

I hope you don't mind, but we had a special collection in church today

for little Henry. Poor boy.

Just wanted you to know, he's in all our prayers.

Oh, thank you so much!

Oh, my gosh, look, Shaz. All this money!

You've nothing to worry about. Henry's going to be just fine.

HE GIGGLES GLEEFULLY

Uh-huh.

Yeah? OK.

They're saying you've just been on Safari, looking at the animals?

-No.

-Maybe not Safari,

-but this could be Firefox?

-No.

-Chrome?

-No.

-Looking at kittens?

-No.

-OK.

Uh-huh. And you've got a half brother.

-I haven't.

-Yeah, you have.

-Is that a hair piece?

-No.

-Herpes?

-No!

Did you sense that?

There's someone trying to make themselves known.

CREAKING AND KNOCKING

Spirits, do you have a message for us?

-GRUFF VOICE:

-Keep the noise down. I'm working nights!

Oh, very clever(!) The spirits have gone.

Now you've gone and ruined it for everybody.

Honestly.

There you are! Look, I think you might need to deal with the isolation ward,

there's a serious problem with your new outbreak procedures.

Forget about that, Sunny. This is important. Sit there.

I'm going to practise my pitch on you for Tony Jackson.

-We want this high-speed video conferencing.

-Well, no, you do.

And we've literally got our very own dragon trapped in the hospital.

He's not literally a dragon, is he?

I didn't mean literally in the literal sense.

Now, take a seat, I'm about to astonish you.

Yeah, you normally do.

I am great at pitching business ideas.

No-one forgets my presentations.

I always hang around after to listen in to see how they went down,

and I'll often hear someone saying "What a pitch!"

With better video facilities,

key managerial staff, like me, will be able to work anywhere.

The gym, home, even on holiday - as these figures show.

Er, what's that?

Oh, for goodness' sake!

I clearly told the printer put the pen drive on the boards!

Looks like they did it literally. In the literal sense.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Right, open your hymn books.

Hymn number 105 - Morning Has Broken.

# Morning has broken

What's it broken like?

# Like the first morning

What did the blackbird do?

# Blackbird has spoken

What'd he sound like?

# Like the first bird

-What we giving praise for?

-# Praise... #

Hey, Tony, mate! You made it.

Just thought I'd pop by, see what all the fuss is about.

He looks cross.

Not in the chapel.

-That's what she said.

-Come on!

Normally you get one funny man and one straight man.

But me and Tony are both funny.

Neither of us are straight.

I didn't, I didn't mean that! God, he'll laugh when I tell him that!

OK, who's best?

-IN A POSH ACCENT:

-Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I was just pissing by the door.

-IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-You stupid woman.

-IN A GERMAN ACCENT:

-Ze fallen Madonna with ze big boobies.

Shall we have another hymn?

All right, Mrs L. Just Me and Tony have got something going on here.

-Right, were we?

-Dunno.

-Think.

All right, all right. Didn't expect the Spanish inquisition.

Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition!

THEY LAUGH

All right, another hymn, Mrs L. All right.

If you fancy a laugh, I've got a thing going with the hospital radio DJ.

Fake requests. Do you fancy it?

Yeah, all right.

And this song request is just in. It's for Linda with cystitis.

# She's just a girl and she's on fire... #

Oh, my God!

Ivan, have you seen this? The Brimlington Echo.

Oh, brilliant! Look, I'm in the paper!

"Hospital DJ raising money for local boy."

Oh, I think I know what's happened here.

They think Henry's the boy in the picture as well.

You think?!

-The phone's been ringing off the hook with donations.

-Brilliant!

No, Ivan! People think they're helping a sick child.

I think this might be fraud.

Oh, it'll be fine.

PHONE BEEPS Oh, got a text message from my sister.

"Why you raising money for Oliver?"

Even she's confused!

Her own son. Is it just me, or has the world gone mad?

You need to tell people the truth.

Isn't it more important that Henry gets better and visits Disneyland?

You're raising this money to go to Disneyland?

No, but we're in America anyway, so we may as well.

Otherwise it's a bit like visiting Paris

and not going to Disneyland...Paris.

Ivan, this is serious. You could get in big trouble.

Don't worry. We'll never raise all the money anyway,

and then we'll just give it back.

But you're telling Henry.

I can't.

Not after the year he's had.

Don't, Henry!

Oh, Tony! I was just passing and completely forgot you were in here.

The grub here is great.

Do the all patients get the same?

Venison, pomme dauphinoise and a port reduction?

Yes. And not just in here, throughout the whole hospital.

Oh, er, while I've got you, Tony,

there's an idea I'd quite like to pitch to you.

Don't worry, I won't waste any of your time.

Why? Have I not got much time left?

Have the doctors told you something I don't know?

-SHE LAUGHS

-I never listen to the doctors.

No. This is about something the hospital needs.

Look at any calendar and it'll tell you it's the 21st century.

But look at the video conferencing capabilities of Brimlington Hospital

and it's a very different story.

-Need to take you to radiography now.

-Great.

Wait! We're in the middle of a very important pitch here.

I need the toilet again.

Oh, for the love of God! Fine! Out.

I'll catch you up later, Tony. OK?

Move it!

In this hospital, every patient is equal.

Which is something I'm hoping to change.

Look at trains -

they're allowed first and second class passengers.

Why can't we have the same with patients?

A lot of my inspiration comes from the railways

and how brilliantly they're managed.

-Just texting Tone. He's got his scan.

-Aww.

What do you reckon - "Good luck with the scan,

"hope they find out why you're such a knobhead. Winky face."

What about, erm...

"My prayers with you at this difficult time, blessed friend."

-Aw, that's much better, but I've just sent it.

-Oh.

He's great, isn't he, Tone?

Shall I text him the one about sitting on Pinocchio's face and telling him to lie?

-SHE GASPS

-He'd love that!

Right, too blue? OK.

Send it anyway.

Just a quick wash on 30 degrees, please, love. No spin.

I'm just checking that you can hear me on the intercom.

You what, love?

Only joking.

One minute! Can I get this... Can I get...

What are you doing, Susan?

We'll break it!

Tony, Susan here.

Bloody hell, Susan, I'm in the middle of something here.

Absolutely, and do you know what we're all in the middle of?

A telecommunications new age.

Now with just £200,000, this hospital could become...

All right, Susan. Write something down, I'll read it later.

Thank you so much, Tony. You won't regret this.

Right, you can have this back now.

Sorry about that. Is everything OK?

Are there any problems with ventilation in here?

Ventilation? No, why?

HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

They reckon they'll have the results by the end of today.

That's quick. Someone must have pulled some strings.

What's that all about?

Fundraising for a little lad.

But don't worry, the spirits are telling me he's going to be fine.

And they're telling me they've never heard of you

and you're full of crap.

So, did you leave a copy of the proposal by Tony's bed?

Yeah, but he wasn't there.

-Last I saw he was about to go on hospital radio.

-What?

-RADIO JINGLE:

-...DJs! Ivan Brackenbury!

Well, we are very lucky to be joined by local businessman and ill man

Tony Jackson. Whoo!

Now, Tony, you've asked to come on

-and talk about something very special.

-That's right.

For those who don't know,

I've donated a lot of money to this hospital in the past

and now I'm moved to put my hand in my pocket again.

He's read it. The pitch worked!

I was moved when you told me the story of little Henry.

So I've decided to give you the rest of the money

-to send Henry to America.

-Oh, right! Yay!

-Who the hell is Henry? IVAN:

-USA, USA!

I don't know!

-Ivan, is there anything you'd like to say about Henry?

-No.

-Or Mr Jackson?

-No.

Or the listeners who've donated their money in good faith?

No.

OK, this is a song to the very lucky Henry.

MUSIC: Rabbit by Chas & Dave

Honesty is always the best policy.

Unless there are advantages to lying.

Like going to Disney World.

I never said Henry wasn't a rabbit, did I?

People just assumed.

And that is prejudiced against rabbits.

So we've found out what the problem was.

OK, Doc. Give me it straight. Don't sugar the pill.

-Is it the big C?

-No, it's not.

But it is a C.

You're constipated.

-Beg your pardon?

-Yes, it's more common than you think.

In extreme cases constipation can be so acute as to lead to

dizziness and passing out.

So all the time I thought I was dying, I just needed a number two?

Your GP will want to keep an eye on it,

but otherwise it's just more fibre and fluids.

Thank you very much.

I'll leave you to get ready.

Tony, it's... Oh, what idiot shut these?

Let's get some fresh air in here.

Right.

I just wanted to check you'd read the proposal.

Susan, I'm an honest man, and I say what I think.

No.

I haven't, and I'll tell you why.

Because you don't need my help.

But the equipment could revolutionise the running of the hospital.

Susan, there's nothing wrong with this hospital.

Have a look -

the wards are spotless,

complimentary magazines for the patients,

gourmet food.

I've never seen a hospital like it.

We really need the money.

Susan, you are a great manager.

You've turned this hospital around.

Well done.

Great. Well, that backfired, then.

What? Didn't you hear him?

He said I was a great manager.

I want that put on a sign by the entrance to the hospital.

"Susan Mitchell - A Great Manager. Tony Jackson."

It's great when your efforts are recognised

by a distinguished business leader like Tony Jackson.

It means so much more than praise from the patients or staff

who don't see the bigger picture, like Tony and I.

They've only experienced the hospital from the inside,

which is bound to give you an imbalanced view.

Oi!

Derren Blonde.

I've got the all clear.

Turns out all I needed was a dump.

-What?

-Constipation.

And as I paid for the toilets here, I'm going to get my money's worth.

So if you'll excuse me, I may be some time.

HE LAUGHS

He said to me I'm full of crap,

and he turned out to be constipated.

Does that prove I'm in sync with the universe??

Well, I'll leave that to you to decide.

But, yes.

Just come to see how Tony's getting on. What, the steering wheel?

It's driving me nuts!

HE LAUGHS

So, where is he?

The patient checked out earlier.

Oh. Thought he might've said goodbye.

Guess he was in a rush or something.

Father?

I'm very worried about my operation.

I was hoping that maybe you'd pray with me.

Of course I will, love. All right.

Our Father, who art in heaven.

STEERING WHEEL MAKES CAR NOISES

Hallowed be thy name.

NOISES PERSIST

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.

Cheer up. Who's died?

Hey, Tony! I thought you'd gone.

I haven't been out of here for weeks. I thought you'd heard.

HE LAUGHS

Can't go without saying bye to my mate, could I?

Aw, that's lovely.

-STEERING WHEEL WHIRS

-I love that.

-Yeah, do you like it?

Don't tell me.

It drives me nuts!

I knew you'd get it!

They say you always have a friend in Jesus, and that's true.

But it's important to make sure you've got other friends, too.

You can't go down to the pub with Jesus for a pint.

Well, you can, but only with him in your heart.

You can't talk to him.

You sit in a pub talking to Jesus, and they'll throw you out.

What I'm saying is, make sure Jesus is your friend,

but have other mates, too.

You know, for the pub and going out with.

Thank you once again for all your generous donations.

Henry is going to have a spring in his hop, I mean, step,

when I tell him later.

That's all from me until next time, but here's a final request for Alf

who's had his left foot and left arm removed.

It's Free, and All Right Now!

MUSIC: All Right Now by Free

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Ridiculous!

Why can't they get the thing right? Are you laughing?

Do you think it's funny? Get out!

Get out!