The Charity Single Hospital People

Ivan Brackenbury, out and about, reaching out and touching patients.

Hi, everyone! We're broadcasting live from Ward Seven.

The hospital radio studio is having a refit so we're out and about

like a Radio 1 Big Weekender.

-'Out and about.'

-Shout out if you're having a great time.

MAN SCREAMS IN PAIN Yeah!

The staff and patients have been really supportive during the refit.

They've been coming up to me all week and saying they can't wait

for me to be back in the studio.

We're going to have to operate.

Hiya, are we having fun?

Ivan Brackenbury here, the cheerful earful!

We're live on hospital radio.

-Have you got a request?

-Leave me alone.

-Michael Jackson, love him.

Whoohoo! What you in for?

You've got to speak up. We're live on the radio.

If you're having a good time, let your face know.

Hey-hey-hey!

Well, who HAVE you got? If we're going to do a charity single,

we're going to need a big name.

No, that is exactly how we got into this financial mess.

-Big names mean big money.

-Big names don't do charity for money.

They do it cos it makes them look good.

OK, but we don't need Aled Jones or Gareth Malone or any of

those other names. I've managed to get...Neville Burley.

-Neville Burley?!

-Yeah, he's the local choirmaster. He's brilliant.

-He sounds boring.

-No, no, no, Neville's not boring, OK?

He's got a past, but he turned his life around with choir singing

and I really think he could turn this place around...

Are we not missing a trick by not going with the nude calendar idea?

I'm willing to do it if you are. We need to go balls out on this.

I'm calling Neville.

What you need to do is balance your chakras, Deepak your Chopras

and then get a homeopath, reiki master, an acupuncturist and

then just clarify your aura and decalcify your penal gland.

If you do that every morning,

you'll find out definitely that you'll have a relaxing day.

My name's PC Davies, this is PC Tanner.

-We've just got a few questions for you.

-One minute.

We'd like to get a description of the thief.

-I didn't really get a good look at him.

-OK. Is there any...

Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. I'm a psychic and I'd like to help you.

I had a premonition about this moment and in that premonition

you said that I could.

You know, you hear a lot about psychics helping the police

over in America and I wish they did a lot more of it here.

They spend over 6 billion on psychic services a year

so if this stuff isn't real,

that's an awful lot of people being conned and scammed.

And I don't know about you,

but I don't think the Americans are that stupid.

Or easily led.

The spirits will help you catch the thief you seek.

-No, it's all right, sir, we can...

-Shhh. One minute.

I've got someone coming through now.

Would I be right in saying that this person had little respect or

-no respect for property?

-Oh, yes, that's bang on.

-OK. Right.

Let's hold hands and form a circle of trust. Actually, you're fine.

I'll just do it on my own.

I now declare this brand-new digital radio station open!

RECORDING OF APPLAUSE

-Well, are you going to look inside?

-In a minute. It's so exciting.

It's like Christmas Day. Except I'm not on my own.

I've done over 200 different fundraisers in the last year

to raise money for a digital studio

and it's going to make a massive difference.

The only difference between me and Nick Grimshaw is

he's got an up-to-date studio.

Hello, Brimlington, Ivan Brackenbury here.

And you might have noticed I sound different.

-That's because I'm broadcasting to you in digital.

-Oooh!

-All right.

Right, we've got hospital radio news. Now, where's the jingle?

-Touch-screen now, Ivan.

-Yeah, I know that. One minute.

CACOPHONY OF JINGLES

Right, forget the jingle, I'll do it myself.

Hospital radio news with Ivan Brackenbury.

FEEBLE FANFARE IMPRESSION

He's bonkers!

Right, there will be auditions for a special charity song in

-the hospital manager's office today.

-Wow, that's so cool...

I have to interrupt you there, Shaz. Just one minute, for goodness' sake.

I'm going to have the exclusive first play of

the Brimlington Hospital charity song.

And speaking of songs...I don't know what song we've got next,

I can't see anything on the screen.

OK, so now we have some classic Elton John for you,

taken from the fourth studio album Madman Across The Water,

which was released in 1971. This still sounds brilliant.

-This is Tiny Dancer.

-Shaz, I do the links!

Honestly, you just made the show sound really unprofessional.

-Your mic was still on.

-Oh, bum!

-Don't worry, I faded it down.

Right, I'm going to the toilet.

Don't forget your headphones. Argh!

No, I take choir singing extremely seriously, Susan. It saved my life.

Let's just say... Well, I had some anger issues. But...

being a choirmaster has turned me around.

-Now I just want to help others.

-Good sob story.

Let's hope we have a few more of those today.

Remember, it's about the whole package. They've got to look right.

No, no, it's just about voices.

-Doesn't matter what people look like.

-Good thinking, Neville.

Let's get some Susan Boyles. Come!

-Hello. What's your name?

-Sam.

Right, you're under a lot of pressure, so have fun with it.

# This little light of mine

# I'm going to let it shine

# This little light of mine

# I'm going to let it shine

# This little light of mine... #

Oh, sorry, I need to go around again. Bear with me.

# ..let it shine. #

-What are you doing?

-Oh, I feel really sick.

It's probably not your singing.

-Should I start again?

-No...

-No, I think we've heard enough.

-That was exquisite.

-I have to say, I didn't like your performance.

I loved it!

But I'm wondering if it's good enough to be

in the Brimlington choir.

And I think it is!

But I am wondering if you've got that certain something.

-And I think you do! However...

-You're in the choir.

-And it's a yes from me.

-Oh, thank you.

-Well done. Next.

-Hello. What's your name?

-Hi, I'm Gary.

The song I'm singing is very close to my heart.

I used to sing it every day to my gran before she died last year.

I just hope she's up there listening.

-Brilliant. You're through.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Thanks, Gran.

-Next.

Hello. What's your name?

SINGING FROM INSIDE CHAPEL

# Make me happy

# Through the years

# Never bring me

# Any tears... #

I guess you could say I'm a triple threat.

Comedian, singer, musician.

Oh, I'm a great cook as well.

And an actor. A bit of a poet.

Great with kids. Good public speaker. Kind to animals.

I don't smoke. What else? Oh, and I'm a vicar.

# Bring me fun, bring me laughter, bring me love. #

-All right, Mrs Leydon, what do you reckon?

-Brilliant.

-Voice of an angel.

-Body of a god.

-Shame it's Buddha.

Oh, one of mine there. She's learning.

OK, I've actually lost a couple of pounds recently so...

Anyway, you focus on the timing, OK? You were out on that.

Way out. All right?

Right, what's next?

OK, the spirits are with me now. I've got a very clear picture.

I want to say this person was an adult, yeah,

either a male or a female. Does that make sense with you?

-It was a bloke, I heard his voice.

-Please don't interrupt.

Please, Carol. I don't want to be influenced by you in any way.

I just want information to come to me from the spirits.

Does that make sense?

I'm getting that this was a bloke with a male voice.

I'm hearing the accent.

-What kind of accent would you say that was, Carol?

-It was local.

Local, correct, that's what I'm getting too, so that's two hits.

What I'm seeing here is like a red number two.

Does that make sense with you? A red number two. Have a think.

I had beetroot yesterday.

No, no, this is more like maybe a red door with what I would call

-the number two on it, yes?

-Oh, I didn't do that.

No, no-one's judging you, Carol, OK?

What I feel is that this man

has been in trouble with the law before, OK?

Whether it's littering or a brake light or murder, something

like that and I feel definitely you're going to find something, OK?

-Yeah, well, thanks for that.

-Mm-hm.

-If anything else comes to you, do let us know.

-Me or Carol?

-Carol.

-Carol.

-Right. OK. God bless, my love. Good luck.

We didn't get your name, sir.

Oh, Ian D Montford.

Is that D-E Montford?

-It's actually just D.

-What does the D stand for?

Some people say Divine, others Deeply Spiritual...

Yeah, what does it stand for?

-It's Dean.

-Ian Dean Montford. Thank you.

-Thank you.

I'm in! Ha!

Next!

Wish we had those big red buttons. Parp!

-Is that too high?

-No.

-OK.

When you're ready, my darlings, absolutely no pressure.

Well, a bit of pressure. This could be a life-changing moment.

This is what you've dreamed about.

All right, Mrs L, hit it.

MUSIC PLAYS

# They say we're young and we don't know

# We won't find out until we grow

# Well, I don't know if that's true

# But you got me and baby, I got you... #

Chorus.

-BOTH:

-# Babe

# I got you, babe.

# I got you... #

Stop, stop, stop!

Look, I think we've heard enough.

-This is never easy, but it's a no from me.

-What?!

May I just ask, do you come as a pair?

-No.

-Absolutely.

Well, yeah.

Because Mrs Leydon, I feel, possesses that elusive something.

Yeah, we're definitely a pair.

Father Kenny, I feel you need to go away and do some growing up.

Maybe come back next year.

-I'm not going through without him.

-Can we do another song?

It's not about the song,

it's about star quality and/or heart-breaking back stories.

No, it's just about talented singers like Mrs Leydon.

You wouldn't know talent if it kicked you up the arse!

-Mrs L, easy.

-Oh! Don't talk to Neville like that.

He's got anger issues - he could flip out on all of us.

Susan, please, that's all behind me.

What's it to be, Mrs Leydon?

-Mrs Leydon, you join the choir. I don't mind.

-Really?

Yeah...

No! I won't.

Great. Come on, Mrs L.

I'm sorry I said that thing about kicking you up the arse.

Don't worry, Mrs L. I've got a better idea.

-Are you all right? Maybe take some deep breaths, calm down.

-I'm fine.

Next!

HE SINGS ALONG

# It's the final countdown

# Boo boo boo boo

# It's the final countdown! #

Oh! That was for Edwin, who's the oldest patient in the hospital.

-It's The Final Countdown.

-Actually, it's not Edwin any more, it's Joan.

-Did Edwin go home?

-Kind of.

Ah, lovely. How long will Joan hang on to the title?

OK. Now it's time for What Animal's in my Pocket?

Where you could win...

Actually, before that, we've had stacks of e-mails in from listeners.

-What? We hardly ever get e-mails in.

-So, from Jilly from Ward Five.

"Hi, Shaz and Ivan."

It's Ivan and Shaz.

"Loving the show. You two are hilarious."

One here from Liz.

"Loving the Shaz and Ivan show, really brightening up my day."

No, look, it's not Shaz and Ivan.

It's Ivan's, Ivan Brackenbury's Fun Lunch.

-Are you all right, Ivan?

-I'm fine!

And it was a penguin in my pocket but it's going in the bin now.

No, I don't really do double acts.

I was in a double act once. This is Andy.

He works at Zenith FM,

it's the largest radio station in the North Midlands and he's on

six figures, but do they let him do breakfast,

lunchtime and drivetime like me? No, they don't.

He's only allowed to do one show a day.

Erm, he did say if I ever needed a job there'd be one going for me

at Zenith. Talk about trying to get rid of the competition.

Nice try, Andy!

-Yeah, yeah.

-OK.

-Yeah.

OK, we're ready to start.

-Two, three...

-Good luck, everyone.

Two, three, four.

# Oh

# Oh... #

Yes, this is a take, guys, good one.

Except now it isn't because you talked over it.

-Right.

-OK, shall we take it from the top again? Two, three, four.

# Oh

# Oh... #

Just thinking, shall we do a rap in the middle, make it cool?

No!

Susan...

I've only got this afternoon to record

so can we please get something down?

Yes, all right. Count to ten, Neville.

Are we still running? From the top again, then, thank you.

-Two, three, four.

-Five.

-# Oh... #

-PHONE RINGS

Oh, that's mine, sorry, I'm going to have to take this.

One minute.

Yes, yes, hello.

Yes, yes, it's going fine.

Yeah, he's just about managing to keep a lid on his anger issues.

For now.

Well, your lifeline is long and strong. That's great news for you.

This line here, that's a little bit short but nothing to worry about,

that's your sun line so that's fine.

Erm...

Oh, no, I've got them the other way round, haven't I?

It's the big thick one here that's your sun line

and the little one's your...

Let's do some reiki.

Excuse us, Ian. Is now a good time?

Oh! You're back. I knew you would be.

You've caught the criminal, haven't you?

Not yet, but we've located the stolen items at a residence.

-It turns out you might have been on to something.

-No.

Derelict house, bright red front door, number two.

No! I mean, well, yes!

Obviously, cos like the spirits, they know everything.

So we were hoping you'd help us with some of our other cases, maybe?

-Absolutely, love to, yes.

-Great. Follow me.

It's good to have people in authority recognise you have

genuine psychic gifts.

I don't want to turn this into an "I told you so"

to everyone who's ever doubted me so I'll keep this short.

Joe Anderson, Mary Avery, Gary Barker.

Sue Barker.

Not that one. Erm...

Sue Barker. That one.

That last take was tantalisingly close.

Here's an idea, though, how about a different song?

Something with a bit more pizazz.

No, we've selected the song and I've perfected the arrangements.

No, no, it's just not making me want to party.

Yes, well, it's a charity song for a hospital.

What about something we can dance to? Livin' La Vida Loca,

or maybe something from the Bridget Jones soundtrack.

-Susan, could I have a word, please?

-Yes.

-I'm trying frightfully hard not to blow my top here.

-Mm.

-Could we please be allowed to get on with this?

-Ooooh! Get off of me!

I think we could all use a coffee.

Susan, could you be an immense help and do a coffee run?

OK, OK, but just calm down. When we get back, we'll talk Ricky Martin.

Move out of my way, all of you get out of the way.

DOOR SLAMS

Turn over please. Right, from the top. One, two, three, four.

Wow, Angela, that's so inspirational.

'I was listening to what you said earlier, Shaz.

'And I thought, "No, I'm not going to let this beat me." '

I don't know where you get the strength.

Sorry, you've got me going.

-'Now I'm going.'

-What are we like?!

Stay tuned to Ivan's mystery sandwich at 3:30 today.

OK. Now we've got another caller on the line.

Someone's already guessed the bread,

but the filling's still up for grabs.

-'Hey, Shaz, loving the show.'

-Aw. Thanks, mate.

'It's really fantastic.'

-'It's the best it's ever been.'

-What was your question?

'It's kind of personal. I wondered if you had any advice on...'

Andy, it's Ivan.

From the Bonkers Brothers.

How's it going at Zenith?

Yeah, still at Brimlington.

Yeah, still at me mum's.

Andy, you know you said there'd always be a job going for me if I was interested?

Yeah. Well, I'm interested.

SINGING

Yes! That's it!

-I couldn't have liked it more.

-That was amazing.

-Thank you.

-So much easier without that ghastly manager.

-Susan, yeah.

She's a massive pain in the arse.

-Is she like that all the time? It must be exhausting.

-Worse.

She's practically run this hospital into the ground.

VOICES FADE

MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS

SUSAN SOBS

-What happened?

-They're saying I'm a terrible manager.

I'm running the hospital into the ground.

OK.

It's out. Damage limitation time.

Who's saying this?

That stupid idiot choir and that psychopath Neville Burley.

Oh, OK. That... That's fine.

I thought you meant the Health Minister found out about the overspend.

-Oh.

-Are you OK?

You're breathing very fast.

I've downed 11 lattes. I'm off my tits.

Another reason why I shouldn't be running a hospital.

Hey, come on, you're a gre... You're a good manager.

Hey, give me the cup.

Give me the cup. Give me the cup!

You do a fine job.

Oh, yeah? How?

Erm... OK. Give me a minute here, bit on the spot.

A lot of managers stay here for a couple of months and then get

promoted and leave but not you.

No, you've really stuck with this hospital.

-And you're the only one that can work that printer.

-What printer?

That's not you, is it?

Oh...

You dream big dreams.

Most people look at what you're doing and think,

"She hasn't got a clue. She's massively out of her depth."

You're trying to make me feel better here, Sunny. Stay on message.

Because they don't understand what a good manager does and

-that's why you're at the top.

-Yeah.

You're right. Who cares what they say?

I'm not going to wallow in here.

I feel great.

I don't know if it's your pep talk or the coffee,

but my heart is racing.

Dammit, I've got a hit single to produce.

Oh, it's the coffee. VOMITING

-Oh! Still a good manager, yeah.

-SHE RETCHES

Right, I'm back and I'm buzzing and we've got a hit single to record.

No ifs, no buts, I don't care how angry you get.

-Well, it's all pretty much in the bag, Susan.

-Great.

See what you can achieve when you don't lose your temper.

-I didn't lose my temper, Susan.

-Don't snap at me, Neville.

Do you need to have five minutes to calm down?

No, I've got a denouement to record - the final solo.

While you...you're doing a s-solo, I've got a m-music video to produce.

A d-director to find...

A record company to g-get, a dis... d-distribution d-deal.

I've had so much coffee I can't slow down.

Don't tell me too slow down, Neville. I won't slow down. Oh!

SPLAT!

A great manager has to delegate, but you can still take the credit

for it. It's like the Mafia.

The Godfather at the top doesn't get his hands dirty doing any actual

killing but they do get the respect for it and it's the same here.

Not when people die, obviously, that's nothing to do with me.

That's the doctors' fault.

-See you tomorrow, Ivan.

-Yeah.

-Are you OK?

-Erm, no.

Can you sit down? I've got something really important to tell you, Shaz.

-Sure.

-Right. Erm...

I-I've been here over 23 years and sometimes, you know...

Oh, my rabbit, I've been looking for that. Brilliant, great.

-..and sometimes it's just time to move on.

-Oh, Ivan, you're not?

Well, I don't think you and me are working, Shaz.

There's a presenting job going over at Radio Zenith

and I've been thinking...

-You've got to take it.

-What?

-No arguing, it's for the best.

-But... That's amazing, Ivan.

-An actual job?

-Mm.

-At Radio Zenith?

-Mm.

-They're massive.

-Mm.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yeah, the bunny's in me tummy.

Yeah, I do feel bad about forcing Shaz to sell out to

commercial radio, but in this business,

you've sometimes just got to think of yourself, haven't you?

This new digital studio thing isn't working either.

Digital is a passing fad. It's like CDs.

They were supposed to be the big new thing, weren't they?

But they kept getting scratched and that's why I'm using

cassettes still.

C90s - you get more on 'em.

Hi! Ivan Brackenbury here.

Great to have you listening, whatever you're doing today.

I've got my old desk back from the skip.

You know, people put some yucky things in hospital skips.

You'd be absolutely surprised,

but I'm going to be all right as long as I breathe through my mouth.

Ooh, nope.

Now it's time for the answer to What Am I?

JINGLE: What am I?

Big shout to Shaz for preparing her last ever one of those.

"You'll find me at the top of a Christmas tree.

"You'll see me out at night.

"I am held together by my own gravity.

-"What am I?"

-What am I?

Well, no-one got it. Oh!

I am a star! Brilliant.

Thanks again to Shaz for her very last one of those.

OK.

Remember, we've got the very first play of the Brimlington Hospital

choir single coming up.

But before that, here's some proper music from a radio legend,

Mr Terry Wogan and The Floral Dance.

# I thought I could hear the curious tone

# Of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone

# Fiddle, cello, big bass drum

# Bassoon, flute and euphonium

# Each one making the most of his chance

# All together in the Floral Dance... #

Hello, Mr D Montford, we've been looking for you.

Yes. I sensed that.

So, it seems that a lot of the information you provided us

-has checked out.

-Brilliant.

So you've come to give me a new case?

Well, we were going to ask you to accompany us to the station, Ian.

Great. I will need my own office so I can practise my practice.

No, what we're saying is your leads implicate you with possible

involvement in the crimes.

Officers, I think I know what might have happened here.

A malicious spirit has fed me information that's quite

general and vague and can be interpreted in different ways.

Ian DEAN Montford...

-One minute...

-You're under arrest.

-No, listen, think about it.

It's not me...

It's the malicious spirit I was telling you about. Honestly...

Right, here it is. Hot off the press.

The brand-new single from the Brimlington Hospital choir.

Here we go.

-JINGLE:

-1969!

Oh, bear with me, I'm still getting used to the old desk being back.

One second. Is that it?

# Oh

# Oh

# Oh

# Oh

-# I try to discover

-Oh oh

# A little something to make me sweeter

# Oh oh

# Oh, baby, refrain

# From breaking my heart

# I'm so in love with you

# I'll be forever blue

# That you gimme no reason

# Why you make-a-me work so hard

# That you gimme no

# That you gimme no That you gimme no

# That you gimme no

# Soul, I hear you calling

# Oh, baby, please

# Give a little respect... #

You've got to let me go. There's been a terrible mistake.

I've got important healing work to do.

# ..to me... #

GUITAR FLOURISH

# And if I should falter

# Would you open your arms out to me?

# We can make love not war

# And live in peace in our hearts

# I'm so in love with you

# I'll be forever blue

# What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover? #

Sunny!

# Don't you tell me no

-# No, don't you tell me no... #

-Come down here!

# Ohhhhhhhh!

# Don't you tell me no

# Don't you tell me no Don't you tell me no

# Don't you tell me no

# Soul, I hear you calling

# Oh, baby, please

# Give a little respect

# Give a little respect to me

# Oh, baby, please

# Give a little respect to me!

# Soul, I hear you calling

# Oh, baby, please

# Give a little respect to me

# Oh, baby, please

# Give a little respect to me. #