The New Ward Hospital People

-RADIO:

-'The UK's favourite DJs. Ivan Brackenbury!'

Hiya. You're listening to your friend and mine - me!

Ivan Brackenbury.

This week at Brimlington Hospital,

we're celebrating National Diarrhoea Week, runs till Friday.

This is today's news headlines. Bong!

The hospital hypochondriac support group

has been cancelled due to illness. And in other news...

Bong!

Four dead in roof collapse. Oh, sorry!

Bong!

Four dead in roof collapse.

You're listening to Ivan Brackenbury,

this is The Weather Girls on Hospital Radio.

MUSIC: It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls

# It's raining men

# Amen

# It's raining men

# Hallelujah

# It's raining men. #

No! This is my legacy, Sunny, just make it happen!

Well, I was just saying that if you want to call the new ward, "Ward Number One,"

we should just make the current Ward One into Ward Six

and then not so many signs need to be changed.

No, the new ward is "Ward Number One,"

all the other wards move up one.

We're only changing them by one. What's the big deal?

OK, so let me get this clear, you want all the signs changed...

-today?

-Yes!

The Health Minister herself is coming in today

-and we have to impress her. Make it happen, Sunny.

-OK.

-Oh, and, Sunny, do something about that smell.

-What smell?

Hospital.

Yeah, I'd like to manage a hospital myself one day.

And working here has been invaluable to me,

I've managed to learn from a lot of mistakes,

without actually being the one who's made them.

Look, I'm all backwards today!

I've got me clothes on backwards, I'm walking backwards,

I even drove into work this morning backwards.

Loads of people honking their horns in support!

And this morning, I sat on the toilet backwards,

which was honestly quite bonkers.

-RECORDED MESSAGE:

-'He's bonkers!'

And here's me trainee producer, Shaz,

she didn't even notice I had my clothes on backwards today,

did you, Shaz?

I did, but I thought you'd done it by accident again.

Right, well, that only happened once!

Right, not long till I'll be out and about on the wards being backwards

to raise funds...

Fundraising's a big part of what I do.

We've had Talk Like A Pirate Day, Bring Your Pets To Work Day.

Yes Means No And No Means Yes Day.

Did the patients love that one?

No!

Which was sad cos I thought it were really good fun.

OK, remember the clocks do go forward this weekend,

which is great news for you seniors.

-An extra hour to live!

-No, they go back.

Oh, yeah. They do go back. So...

Well, that's an hour less to suffer, so good luck with that!

You're listening to Hospital Radio.

Until eventually the sheepdog came back and said,

"There's 40 sheep."

And the shepherd said, "40? We've only got 38!"

And the sheepdog said, "I know, but you told me to round them up!"

The atmosphere in my chapel is like a comedy club,

so if anyone comes in late or has to go to the toilet

I do let 'em have it.

Look at this fella. He's walking like this,

thinking it's going to make himself invisible.

Most of 'em would rather sit there and hold it...

so we've had a few accidents.

You're going to be fine, my love. I've got a good feeling about you,

although your aura is quite purple around the edges.

Can I look at your notes?

Sorry, are you a doctor?

Ugh, the amount of people who say that to me.

And it's a great question!

'Doctors have science, reason'

and logic.

I have faith, belief and people's desperate need

to believe what I do is real.

But if you put our differences aside, then we are exactly the same.

Can you just tell me what you're in for?

-I'm having a benign polyp...

-Benign polyp.

-..removed from my lung.

-Lung.

Right, and you're going to trust a surgeon to do that?

Do you know your body can heal itself if you only allow it to?

-Do you have a nosebleed that stopped?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Can you just take me to where I need to go, please?

It's reasonably urgent.

I'm starting to get a very bad feeling about this operation.

Have you made a will?

-RADIO:

-'Ivan Brackenbury,

'out and about,

'reaching out and touching patients.'

OK, we've got a request here for Phil

who's had having his ears pinned back today.

Good luck, Phil! This is Simply Red.

MUSIC: Holding Back The Years by Simply Red

Right, how does my hair look?

-Stiffer?

-Oh!

No hairstylist round here has a clue what you mean when you say,

-"Theresa May bob with Thatcher hold."

-So, what's the plan?

Right, we'll meet her at the main entrance,

take her on the tour, then cut the ribbon!

What are these people doing milling around here?

Well, they're lost cos you had all the signs taken down.

Who gets lost in a hospital?

-The main entrance is this way.

-Yes, I knew that.

Oh, and get the curtain for Hospital Radio,

-cover it up, it's embarrassing.

-OK.

And why are these builders' containers still here?

Helena won't like them, get rid of them.

This hospital needs the wow factor.

If there's one thing I'm known for around here it's my big openings.

New car park machines,

extended hospital shop,

coin-operated toilets.

And today, I get the best picture of all for my wall.

Helena Steel and I cutting the ribbon on Ward Number One together.

Ta-da!

I could make some big cuts to the NHS with these!

The blood tests will take a few days

and then we'll see if there's perhaps an underlying issue.

-Tell her about the voices, Gary.

-What?

The voices, giving him messages.

You've been hearing voices, Gary?

No. Ian has, but they're talking about me.

OK...

Well, I think that maybe tomorrow you need to start getting around

without the wheelchair.

-A bit of exercise will help you get your...

-Chakras aligned.

-..your energy back.

-Psychic energy.

But for now I think Gary needs to rest.

-What's this?

-A healing crystal.

That's been tainted with negative energy now. I'll have to cleanse it.

Look, once you've finished your duties here,

I think you need to leave Gary to rest, OK?

The voices have got a very bad feeling about her.

Get some rest, Gary.

I'll watch you sleep.

Ooh, it's lovely! It's got that "new ward" smell.

Yeah, it's great, Mrs Leydon.

I do like what they've done, it's very modern.

Yeah, it's a great room, great acoustics as well,

lovely audience. Some of them are even awake, look.

which is always a good sign.

Father Kenny, these flyers...

"Live music, chat, comedy."

It doesn't mention God on here.

Yes, it does, under Sky Sports.

I think the Church has to update a bit. Female vicars?

Dawn French has shown they can actually be quite funny.

Gay marriage? I've got nothing against that.

In fact, it's given me some good material.

So then he said, "Same-sex marriage? That's nothing new!

"Me and the wife have been having the same sex for 40 years!"

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

She loves that one. Hey, that's it from me.

I hope I've had you in stitches, if you weren't already.

If you have enjoyed the show, my name's Father Kenny,

please take a flyer and I'd love to see you at the chapel.

Oh, one more thing,

midweek we're having a topless jumble sale. Sort of, tit for tat.

People ask where I get my material from. You know where - life.

Everyday stuff, a stand-up DVD, a joke website,

maybe John Bishop's biography.

Sometimes a joke will stand out and I'll be like, "I'll use that."

-RADIO:

-'Do you remember the '60s?

'Then it's about time you started thinking about

'planning your funeral.'

Morning. How you diddling? Are you a nurse? She's a nurse.

So, this is the best part of the day, it's request time!

Yay! We've got loads today. Er... Two!

Oh, God, and a banana.

What mucky pup's done that? It's disgusting and unthoughtful.

Right, Perry Como. And the Spice Girls.

-RADIO:

-'Hospital Radio!'

Now, it's time for the answers to "What am I?"

-RECORDED MESSAGE:

-'What Am I?'

Hey, what am I?

I am a long and bendy piece of metal.

You wipe me clean with a tissue.

I'm used to measure how much oil's in your engine.

-What am I? RECORDED MESSAGE:

-'What am I?'

That's right, I'm a dipstick.

Well done to everyone who got that right.

-Thanks to Shaz for writing another one of those.

-My pleasure.

OK. You're listening to me, Ivan Brackenbury on Hospital Radio.

MUSIC: Let Your Love Flow by the Bellamy Brothers

SIREN BLARES

HORN BLARES

Back it up!

HORN BLARES

QUIET CONVERSATION

And what's this?

These are photogenic patients that can manage a bit of small talk

and don't look infectious, as instructed.

Hmm, they look a bit pale.

We really need to impress Helena. Can you spruce them up a bit?

-Sorry. Is this make-up?!

-Yes, put it on!

I mean, if I were running the hospital,

I would probably make a few small changes.

I wouldn't use the ambulances as taxis, for example.

There's always a lot of activity in a building where someone's died,

so there are a lot of voices.

Right. Gary, I've got a message coming through for you,

someone very close.

Do the initials "GF" mean anything to you, please?

-No.

-Yeah.

Yeah, "GF" - could be a grandfather...

..godfather,

great-grandfather.

I wasn't that close to any of them.

Good friend.

Because of the new ward, we've lost the porters' break room,

so now I've nowhere to practise my practice.

I'm on the lookout for a new space, but it's hard.

I need a space that's calm, that can accept spiritual energy,

but where I can still get 4G,

so I can fact-check things the spirits are saying about people.

Girlfriend?

"GF..."

-"Gee..F?" Jeff. Jeff.

-No.

-Are you gluten free?

-No.

Well, they're telling me you need to be.

And with that, I'll leave the love there with you.

DOOR OPENS

Did you see that or was that just me?

CAR HORN BLARES

She's here!

CAR HORN BLARES

Here she comes, everybody, tits and teeth!

Right. Hi-vis and hard hat to look practical,

or just rolled-up sleeves to appeal to working people.

I don't know. I can't decide. Rolled-up sleeves.

And bring the hand sanitiser, these places are full of germs.

-What? Hospitals?

-Provincial towns.

Smile!

Helena Steel, Secretary of State for Health.

Helena! Susan. How was the journey?

The journey is ongoing and there remain challenges ahead,

but I relish those challenges.

Sorry, I'm Susan Mitchell, the hospital manager.

-Oh, Susan... I have a horse called Susan.

-Lovely.

Can I just say that I think that you

-are all in fact doing a tremendous job.

-How is everything?

Well, let me be clear, our health plan is delivering for those

who need it most, hard-working families.

Oh, lovely. Would you like to follow me?

Strong leader needs strong followers.

Yes, you'll be interested in this.

I've been up and down the country talking to real people

and their view on hospital managers is, shall we say,

disparaging to say the least.

Well, I tend to find negative reports very misleading.

Right. The tour begins. This way.

No, Susan, it's actually this way.

Let me be clear, I'm not suggesting for a moment that

Brimlington hasn't had its problems.

But the MRSA rate in this hospital is now half the national average,

so that means that if you are admitted to this hospital

with a heart condition, you will die of that heart condition

and not of some secondary infection that you've picked up along the way.

If you can just keep yourself very...

-And this is our new MRI scanner.

-Oh, wonderful. Hello. Hello, there.

I'm not contagious, I've just got a bad back.

A bad back is caused by...

Well, caused overspending of the previous government, no doubt.

But I want to help your back.

I want to help people like you get this great country back on its feet.

Well, actually, I do have a few complaints about this hospital.

Oh, OK, well... Let's not keep this man waiting any longer,

let's get him in the big doughnut. Come on!

Well, I can't turn it on with you all in here,

-it's a very powerful magnet.

-Right.

-Right. Very good.

-Excellent.

-Good, good. DOOR SHUTS

CRASH

Oh! My big scissors!

Ow! My back!

Oh! This really is a strong magnet.

Oh, gosh!

-Right, that was the MRI scanner. Shall we carry on?

-Yes, let's.

-Wait! Wait for me.

-Don't worry about her.

-Helena! Helena!

Lovely to see some bright new faces out there

amongst the old, grey sad ones.

Now, before this service, I was at the bedside of a gentlemen

who's supposed to be running a marathon tomorrow for charity,

but he's broken both his legs.

He said to me, "How can God let something like this happen to me?

"How can God let something like this happen to me?"

What should I say to him?

What words of wisdom should I give him?

Well...any ideas - let me know cos I'm stumped.

All right.

A sermon to me is just stand-up with a message,

you know, like all stand-up has these days.

Like Peter Kay's message is,

"There's lots of things that people remember."

Michael McIntyre's message,

"There's lots of things we do we haven't noticed that we do."

And people say that kind of comedy is easy.

Well, it's not. Have you seen how much they sweat?

What's my biggest dream?

People always say "world peace", don't they?

I'm not too bothered about that.

Oh, I know!

I'd love to do Songs Of Praise, Live At The Apollo.

Great turnout today, Mrs Leydon, the flyers were totally worth it.

You should be more open to my modern ways.

Yes, maybe. I do still think that big telly's a bit much.

Oh, they've gone and equalised! Unbelievable!

Playing like three-legged donkeys.

Sunny, where are you?

Hang on. Is it the old Ward Four or the new Ward Four?

Well, the one that used to be Ward Three...

Hello? Hello?

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Sunny! For goodness' sake!

If there is anyone from the spirit side with a message for Geraldine,

please let yourself be known.

-Oh! I dropped me phone.

-Oh, Gary!

-Put the light on Sorry, Ian.

-Just put the light on.

For goodness' sake. ALARM BLARES

Oh, Gary! Everybody out. Everybody out.

-Oh, Geraldine.

-I couldn't wait.

TOILET FLUSHES

Right, I'm off in a minute collecting for Backwards Day.

Oh, right, so do you need me to get on the mic, then?

-No. It's Chart Show.

-Again?

Yes! It's time for the Chart Show.

Do you remember taping the chart show off the radio

on a Sunday night when you were little?

I do, and here's one of me best, it was recorded live in me bedroom

in May 1986 and it's a classic.

It is hard for me to get a chance to shine here, but when you look at

the list of people who got a break from hospital radio,

it's amazing -

Chris Moyles, Scott Mills, Ken Bruce, Phillip Schofield,

-Simon Mayo...

-And me!

This is where it all started for me too 23 years ago,

and I'm still here, touch wood.

This is a good one, this.

-Right, you may as well go for your lunch.

-Great.

Actually, Shaz, I do need to go to the toilet

and it's quite difficult with a zip at the back.

-Would you be able to just...?

-I'm never doing that again.

It's number ones this time.

Sunny! Sunny! Sunny!

So, Helena, would you like some tea?

Well, that's a very interesting question, and one that I hope to

answer with my actions rather than my words.

-Sorry, I'm just asking if you want some tea?

-Yes, and that's precisely

the kind of question we ought to be asking,

but I'm just suggesting we need to reframe the debate going forwards.

-Shall we?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

Am I capable of answering a simple yes or no question?

That's not really the issue here

and, with all due respect, it is in fact an overly simple question

and I'm not here to answer simple questions,

so I'm here to provide tough answers for the difficult questions,

the answering of which will drive Britain forward.

Stay focused. I can do this. Right, which way?

-You all right, mate. What you in for?

-Vasectomy.

Oh, just cutting through really quickly! You all right?

Sunny!

For goodness' sake!

I'm so used to the old system, I wouldn't be able to say.

Here we, erm...

Are you with me? OK, let's go.

I'm going to deal for you, all right?

-Let's take the stairs, shall we?

-Erm...

And this is the phlebotomy department.

Gosh, that sounds infectious.

Look at all the poor people!

That's poor as in unfortunate, not an economic judgment.

-Yes, that's exactly what I meant.

-So, shall we...?

COUGHING

For me to be able to visit Brimlington Hospital and see

with my own eyes the incredible work that our wonderful

National Health people are doing on a daily basis, it's, you know,

you can't put a price on it. It's absolutely worthless...

-Priceless.

-Priceless. Precisely.

OK. Radio Hospital from Brackenbury, me it's, hiya!

Hey! You've guessed it, I'm all backwards today for charity.

Raising money for vital hospital services.

Oh, thank you very much!

OK. Oh, no! It's cash donations only!

Oh, for...

Collecting money is so important because this hospital radio studio

is the most vital equipment in all of the hospital

cos it makes people happy. Me for one.

I mean, I could raise the money for a life support machine

or an iron lung or something, but I've seen people on them things

and they do look really miserable.

Wait! Hold the doors. Helena, it's Susan! Susan! Helena! Wait!

Why can't I just have a nice life?

-And this is the new Ward Number One.

-Oh, that's lovely.

Perhaps I could do this kind of thing on Skype in future?

-They could wheel me around on a...

-Typewriter.

-BOTH:

-Laptop.

-I'll look into that.

-Finally!

It's that woman again.

Hiya, new ward! It's Ivan Brackenbury.

I can't see where I'm going cos I'm going backwards for charity!

-Helena!

-Fundraising for vitals.

Lookout behind you! No!

Oh, God! Argh! Tell me that is soup!

Please, God, tell me that is soup,

that the nurses come round and offer out soup

-in cardboard bowls, and that is soup!

-That is soup!

That vomit is just soup!

-Can I still be in the photo with you?

-No! No, sorry, no.

Hey, good news! None of it went in me bucket!

"Yes!

"And a whole raft of measures for hard-working families,

"but I will commit to meeting those challenges head-on.

"Point with thumbs..."

Which is... Let me...

I want to be very, very clear that it is a great honour for me

to open this new Ward Number One

in my beloved constituency of Brimlington.

Sorry. You're not contagious, are you?

Who me? No. Backwards am I.

Oh, great, great. Tweet it. Would you like to help me cut the ribbon?

I would, yes.

No. No.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My big opening is in tatters!

I hate it. Sell it. Which would you rather,

visit a hospital or get a massage off a monkey?

What kind of monkey is it?

For goodness' sake, what does it matter?

Make sure you rotate that crystal clockwise over the wound, all right?

Anticlockwise and you'll be back here before you know it,

all right, sweetness?

Thank you, spirits.

The space I've been looking for!

-RADIO:

-'Hospital Radio.'

OK. Backwards Day is over, and it was a great success.

I'm going to give my trainee producer Shaz the honour

of reading out the final amount, after my expenses.

Are you ready? Here we go!

HE DRUMS ON THE DESK

-BOTH:

-£15.12.

That is right.

And the vital hospital services we've been raising money for is...

Nope, just me.

..is Hospital Radio!

Which benefits everyone, so it's nice to give something back

for a change. OK, let's get on with the show!

He teaches us that we can't always manage to get what we want.

Often we fail,

but it's how we deal with disappointment and failure

that's truly important.

And succeed or fail, we're all in this together.

One person's success is everyone's success.

He tells us this, it's all here in the book.

"It doesn't matter who scores the goals, as long as we win."

And that book?

My Story by Steven Gerrard.

Right, OK. Open your hymn books, close your legs.

All Things Bright And Beautiful! Hit it, Mrs Leydon.

# All things bright and beautiful... #

I've decided to call the new ward The Helena Steel Ward.

We're changing the signs again.

Cutting the ribbon on a new ward is a bit like cutting

the umbilical cord on a beautiful new baby.

Yes, you're going to have sleepless nights and be covered in vomit,

but this isn't a beauty contest.

I'm not going to be Miss England or Miss World,

this is about management and I want people to look at me and say,

"There she is, there's Miss Management."

We are gathered here today to witness your mystery in this

perfectly-sized space what you have guided us to.

If there are any spirits here, please make themselves known.

OK, guys, just put your fingers on the glass.

That's great.

SCREAMING

SCREAMING FROM INSIDE CONTAINER

That's it from me.

Join me next time when we'll be playing our new game with

the nil by mouth patients -

Meal Or No Meal.

But now let me leave you with this, it's a request from Agnes May

who's just had her operation to remove cataracts.

This is Jimmy Cliff.

# I can see clearly now the rain is gone

# I can see all obstacles in my way... #

SCREAMING CONTINUES

# Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

-# It's going to be a bright

-Bright

-# Bright

-Bright

# Sunshiny day

-# It's going to be a bright

-Bright

-# Bright

-Bright

# Sunshiny day

# Oh, yes, I can make it now the pain is gone... #