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MUSIC: Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart by Gene Pitney

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Someone has died at Brimlington.

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Not a patient - they die all the time -

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but a member of staff, so this is serious.

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-DOOR CLOSES

-Hey up.

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Eurgh! Oh, God! How many sugars in that?

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Four, like always.

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Five in a Sports Direct mug. Hang on.

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Yay! Absolutely love that!

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That was for Big John who, it seemed,

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looked after everyone but himself.

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His memorial will be today in the chapel.

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Now, it says here that medical staff are very keen

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to keep John's memory alive.

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Well, it's amazing what they can do these days, isn't it?

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OK. So, on with the show. Here's another one for Big John.

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-Oh, such a shock.

-Yeah.

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Not for me. I predicted it with the Tarot.

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The doctors did all they could with conventional medicine.

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-If only I'd got there sooner.

-He died of a massive heart attack.

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Yeah, I know. I've got a crystal for that.

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Hey, you do realise that we're going to need you to cover for Big John

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until we find a new head porter, right?

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Oh, I can't possibly.

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I've got all my psychic healing work to do.

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-You don't look very busy.

-Yeah, I am.

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-No, you're not.

-Yeah, I am, though.

-You will be busy, though.

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You're going to be run off your feet.

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Surprised you didn't see that coming.

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Hey, Susan.

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Have you thought about saying a few words at Big John's memorial?

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And I really think it might help raise

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your staff approval rating from its record low.

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No, I'll be far too busy with Tyler Watt

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to do some memorial service, Sunny.

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Ah, yes, Tyler Watt,

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the author of Cheeky Little Dinners For Winners.

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-Yes.

-You do realise that Big John had a massive heart attack

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going up the stairs cos the lift was out, right?

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Makes you think, doesn't it?

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Any one of us could have been underneath him when he fell.

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Yeah, it makes me think that maybe we should have got the lift fixed

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before getting a nutritionist in.

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Sunny, one of my staff members has died at work.

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This is a personal tragedy,

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especially if the health minister finds out.

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I need to show we can take staff health seriously, and fast.

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All right. And the best way to do that is with a health PR stunt?

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Exactly. You're learning, Sunny.

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We're going to stamp out this culture of excess and laziness,

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starting with you.

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Now, go and fetch my airport buggy.

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Please.

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-HORN HONKS

-Stay back! Get over!

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Tyler's book is amazing.

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It's full of healthy dinners

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that can be prepared in five minutes or less.

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Sourcing the ingredients can take months, though.

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That's why I use substitutions.

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So, if I can't get cauliflower rice, I just use regular rice instead.

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Or chips.

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Honestly!

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Tyler, such an honour. Susan Mitchell.

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We absolutely love your book, don't we, Sunny?

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Oh, yes, I've flicked through it from cover-to-cover

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and read the whole back, in fact.

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They're calling it a nutrition bible,

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which is a bit embarrassing,

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but I can see where the comparisons come from -

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man from humble beginnings,

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powerful message that changes the world.

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-Jamie Oliver?

-No, not Jamie Oliver. Jamie Oliver is a cook!

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I'm a nutritionist. That's a visionary, you know?

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Shall we make our way to the hospital radio studio?

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-I'm yours.

-Yes, hop on.

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Let's get your message straight out there.

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Move out the way!

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TYRES SCREECH, LIGHT BANGS

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People look at my book. That's a tool for change.

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People look at my van. That's a tool for change.

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People look at me, myself, my hair, my body.

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LIGHT BANGS That's a tool, too.

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I've got to say, I'm probably the biggest tool going.

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-ON RADIO:

-'You're listening to Hospital Radio.'

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OK, here we are - Hospital Radio.

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-Brake!

-TYRES SCREECH

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Now, we have an exclusive interview.

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All of Brimlington's staff are having our health scrutinised,

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which makes a nice change from it all being about you patients.

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So, we have our very own special nutritionalist

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in the studio, Tyler Watts.

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-Hiya!

-Hi there, Ivan.

-Hiya!

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Now, I always make sure I get my five-a-day.

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Today, I'm having five blueberries.

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There might even be more in here, I don't know.

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TYLER CHUCKLES All right.

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The reason I'm here today with you, Ivan,

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is I'm going to totally revolutionise this hospital

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using a philosophy what I invented myself,

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out of my book that boils down to four very simple rules.

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Well, I have to ask -

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if you were a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would you be and why?

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And you can't say rich tea cos they're boring.

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What's he doing? Could we look again at the possibility

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of turning this into a Costa Coffee?

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Right, listeners, do e-mail in some questions for Tyler.

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Quickly, please, cos I can't think of any more.

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What are the four rules in your book, Tyler?

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Thank you, Shaz.

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One - nobody else can make you healthy.

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Two - never, ever, ever eat sugar.

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Three - always snack on vegetables.

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And four - eat three things every day

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that a normal person wouldn't be confident in pronouncing.

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Acai berries, kombucha, quinoa.

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-Pasgetti, Toberalome, um, Domlio.

-No, I tell you...

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Listen, mate, this is a lot worse than I thought, as a matter of fact.

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You're a right wreck. I tell you what I'm going to do.

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I'm going to impose a total ban on all sugar

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across this entire hospital.

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-No, no, no, forget that, mate.

-Oh, no.

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By the way, mate, if I was a biscuit, I'd kill myself.

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Think about that.

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I'm going to put him down as a fig roll.

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Is he a patient?

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Oh, he was an absolute imbecile, but you did a brilliant job.

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HORN HONKS

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Right, e-mail from Father Kenny, the hospital chaplain.

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The Chapel OAPs' Club have had great success with their

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"free Viagra" campaign.

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He says they've seen their members go right up!

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Ivan Brackenbury...

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We got him again, Mrs L.

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Oh, it's not the same, though,

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without Big John here to laugh at that with me.

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You know, it's not the first time I've lost a colleague at work.

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-Oh, dear.

-Yeah, when I was at college,

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my roommate was found dead, face down in his muesli.

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Really?

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Yeah, they said he was pulled under by a strong CURRANT.

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Right.

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It's a joke, Mrs Leydon.

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Big John told it to me!

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It's so sad, but, you know, Big John was very popular,

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and I do love a eulogy, so today is a massive gig for me!

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MRS LEYDON GUFFAWS

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Strong currant!

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Right.

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Oh, what a horrible way to go.

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Toxic!

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Oh! Filth!

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OK. All of this?

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-OK, erm...

-Poison! Get rid of it.

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Tyler, wasn't rule number one that you have to let people

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decide for themselves to be healthy, and not you?

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Look, Sunny, if that's your real name,

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I've lost a lot of good friends to this crap, OK?

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What, they died?

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No, no, they cut me off emotionally cos I kept putting

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all their stuff in bin bags.

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Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

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In a hospital - a place of medicine!

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The staff are not going to be happy. Think of the approval rating.

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Well, they should've thought about that before

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they started dropping dead in the middle of shifts.

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-What about the Hippocratic Oath?

-Don't forget the fudge!

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Who eats things like this?

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It's a bad idea, OK?

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This place runs on sugar -

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sugar and the revenue from the car park.

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I mean, you can't ban it, anyway - sugar's in everything.

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A carrot, for example, has five grams of sugar in it,

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so all I have to do is eat...

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15 carrots and I've just had a Toffee Crisp.

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The joke is on management,

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because now I've got the use of Big John's office,

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so, finally, I have somewhere

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to practise my practice.

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Let's see what the future holds for you, shall we?

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The Star -

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that means you're going to see a star.

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The Moon -

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I'm sensing that you're going to go out at night.

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The Hierophant -

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that means you're going to get one of them.

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What is it?

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That is a very good question, Geraldine.

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The hierophant is a high priest,

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or a person that interprets sacred mysteries.

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Oh, I'm a hierophant.

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-PAGER BEEPS

-Oh...

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The head porter's beeper does beep a lot more

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than my old one used to.

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Right, let's just concentrate on the cards...

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PAGER BEEPS

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There are eight surgeons working at any one time in this hospital,

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but only one hierophant,

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and he has to keep stopping work to go and wheel people about!

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-PAGER BEEPS

-Oh, for...

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Right. They're having a laugh!

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Oi, you, David Bellamy!

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Careful with that doppelganger - that's my likeness.

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How are the new menus coming along?

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"Water into wine"?

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This is next-level, love.

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What I've done is I've turned cheesy chips into a salad station.

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Oh, love it!

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The salad bar is my favourite part of the Harvester experience.

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Crispy croutons, bacon bits, Thousand Island...

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No, no, no, no, no!

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This is all raw vegetables, grains and ancient seeds.

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Erm, Tyler, what have you turned a jacket with cheese and beans into?

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Tender broccoli stems on a bed of celeriac mash with anchovy foam.

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Finally! My favourite!

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I've taught the chef how to pronounce everything -

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now all he needs to do is learn how to cook it all.

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Isn't that right? TYLER LAUGHS

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This is exactly what the staff here need!

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Yeah, you're telling me.

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Some of your worst offenders are being quarantined into this zone.

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These are what we in the nutrition game call "shame tables".

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-Come and have a look at this.

-Ooh!

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One of my great pioneering techniques is the "shame table".

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You get people to fill in a form of everything they eat

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during a week, then you put those things on a table.

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That's when the shame kicks in -

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when they see what they're actually putting into their bodies.

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Right, Ivan, this is you, is it, mate?

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Any food that comes with, like, a free toy or a balloon on a stick,

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any of that, that's not good for you, mate.

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That's a real red flag.

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-What does your doctor say about all this?

-Nothing.

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In fact, I got this lollipop for being brave in my diabetes test.

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Bruv, that's not a badge of honour.

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Tyler, can I have a Curly Wurly?

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Cos they're mainly holes.

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No! They're mainly sugar,

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and sugar is now banned from this entire hospital.

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It's the new mad cows' disease!

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I ate loads of beef in the '80s,

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and there's nothing wrong with me.

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HE MOOS

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-HE GIGGLES

-Do you get it? It's a cow.

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But, you know, I did, though,

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and it's all scare-mongering, isn't it?

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Same as that asbestos.

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I ate loads of that too.

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This is a lot of biscuits.

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Well, I had family over.

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Mrs Leydon, you're only supposed to put down the things that YOU ate.

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Oh, I thought this was about shopping.

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Well, that does at least explain the cat food.

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No, I'm a nutrition expert, you know?

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A master of healthy eating.

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Oh, like Jamie Oliver?

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No, not like Jamie Oliver. Why do people keep saying that?

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Your family drink a lot of gin, don't they, love?

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Oh, no, that's all mine.

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I do like a bottle of gin in the evening, with me biscuits,

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and I sometimes watch Jamie Oliver.

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Do you know him?

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If that health guru comes

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sniffing around me, I've got a plan.

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I turned my life around, with God's help. Ha-ha!

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Only joking, these were Big John's.

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Cheers, fella.

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Anyway, I've got a memorial to get ready for.

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I can't waste my time going around eating couscous.

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Oh, here we go!

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What's this smorgasbord of misery?

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"Susan Mitchell".

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Oh, you've done a table for me? I didn't think that...

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Yes, I filled out a form for you. I was very thorough.

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Oh, thank you, Sunny(!)

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Yeah, you're welcome.

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Lattes, pastries, muffins.

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Low-fat muffins.

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Yeah, but there's about 18 of them.

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And what about all these fags?

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Oh, I only have one when I'm stressed,

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or after sex, which hasn't been for a while -

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hence the stress.

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Suze, if you don't love yourself,

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how are you going to find someone to love you?

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Tinder?

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I'll tell you what, you're going down the wrong road, you.

0:13:180:13:21

All this junk food, cigarettes,

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going around on that mobility scooter.

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-It's an airport buggy.

-Whatever.

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It's for efficiency. I'm in great shape.

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I'll level with you -

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you're clad in some impossible lady lumps there.

0:13:300:13:33

Thank you for noticing.

0:13:330:13:34

You are un poquito Bootylicious.

0:13:340:13:36

In R&B, these are all good things, aren't they?

0:13:360:13:38

What are you saying?

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You're a bit fat, but I can heal you.

0:13:390:13:44

Well, I've never been skinny.

0:13:440:13:45

When I was at school, some of the boys were quite cruel.

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They used to call me names like Lazy Susan,

0:13:470:13:50

Sumo Mitchell, the Mitchell-in Man...

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Didn't give me a complex, though.

0:13:530:13:55

My father used to say,

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"You should punch those boys on the nose -

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"you're built like a brick shit-house,"

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and that gave me a complex.

0:14:010:14:02

No Fruit Corners, just a chia-seed pudding.

0:14:060:14:10

I'm going to need brainfood, Mrs L.

0:14:100:14:11

Oh, I should have picked up the biscuits.

0:14:110:14:14

I'm not just writing a load of hack fat jokes for this memorial.

0:14:160:14:20

I need some quality fat jokes.

0:14:200:14:21

I'm looking at these "yo mama" websites, just trying a few out.

0:14:210:14:26

"Yo mama's so fat, she was baptised at Sea World."

0:14:260:14:29

-Oh, no.

-No?

0:14:290:14:30

I don't think you should do that.

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Better for a christening.

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Hmm, maybe.

0:14:330:14:34

"Yo mama's so dumb, she stared at the orange juice

0:14:340:14:37

"cos it said 'concentrate'."

0:14:370:14:39

No.

0:14:390:14:40

Bit off-topic, though, isn't it?

0:14:400:14:42

Step aside.

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Suze, the games are over.

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It's time for some tough love.

0:14:510:14:53

Am I going to need a cigarette?

0:14:530:14:54

-We're not having sex, Suze.

-Oh.

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No way.

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I'm talking about this obesity cape.

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I found it just staring at me, bold as brass, like some sort of

0:15:000:15:03

miracle burning bush staring out of a nurse's cubby-hole!

0:15:030:15:06

That's a bariatric training suit -

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nurses wear them to learn what it's like to be an overweight patient.

0:15:080:15:11

Complete waste of money!

0:15:110:15:12

It'd be cheaper to fatten them up.

0:15:120:15:13

I don't need to know its life story, love.

0:15:130:15:15

I just want to know if it's going to work

0:15:150:15:17

for this brilliant idea what I've conceived of.

0:15:170:15:19

What? Why are you putting this on me?

0:15:190:15:21

This place is full of slobs who eat junk.

0:15:210:15:23

Yeah, exactly, and you are their leader.

0:15:230:15:26

You've got to set them an example.

0:15:260:15:28

By Jove, that is an apocalyptic glimpse at a broken future.

0:15:280:15:32

Look at your disgusting abdomen and your asymmetrical knockers.

0:15:320:15:36

Look at your face!

0:15:360:15:37

We haven't done anything to my face!

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This is madness, Tyler.

0:15:390:15:41

You may laugh,

0:15:410:15:43

but did they not too laugh at Jesus Christ our Lord?

0:15:430:15:46

"And I suppose that's what happens when your blood type's Bisto.

0:15:530:15:57

"RIP, John."

0:15:570:15:59

So, I've just done my work-in-progress gig for Mrs Leydon.

0:15:590:16:02

Some big laughs.

0:16:020:16:04

A lot of references did go over her head.

0:16:040:16:06

I mean, who doesn't know who Jabba the Hutt is?

0:16:060:16:09

Look at her, she's all laughed-out!

0:16:090:16:10

I might drop that bit anyway.

0:16:100:16:12

The impression's not really landing.

0:16:120:16:14

But that's why you do these previews -

0:16:140:16:15

hone your material.

0:16:150:16:17

Ivan Brackenbury!

0:16:170:16:19

-ROBOT VOICE:

-He's bonkers.

0:16:190:16:20

I'm used to tighten bolts.

0:16:200:16:24

I'm normally made of stainless steel.

0:16:240:16:27

I'm sometimes called a wrench.

0:16:270:16:29

What am I?

0:16:290:16:31

What am I?

0:16:310:16:33

Half a point to anyone who said I'm a tool.

0:16:330:16:37

I'm not - I'm a spanner.

0:16:370:16:39

And we've got an e-mail here.

0:16:390:16:41

"Are you all right, Ivan?"

0:16:410:16:43

Yeah, I'm fine!

0:16:430:16:45

I'm loving the sugar ban!

0:16:450:16:46

Get off my back! I feel great!

0:16:460:16:48

Tired, and sad, and a bit achy, but great.

0:16:480:16:52

Big John's memorial is starting soon.

0:16:520:16:54

That's a reminder to us all we could disappear into nothing

0:16:540:16:57

at a moment's notice.

0:16:570:16:59

This is REM with Everybody Hurts.

0:16:590:17:02

Ow!

0:17:020:17:03

Milk, no sugar.

0:17:030:17:04

Oh, God. That's gross!

0:17:090:17:11

It's bitter!

0:17:110:17:12

Is that what tea tastes like?

0:17:120:17:14

Ugh!

0:17:140:17:15

# When your day is long

0:17:150:17:19

# And the night

0:17:210:17:24

# The night is yours alone

0:17:240:17:27

# When you're sure you've had enough

0:17:310:17:36

# Of this life

0:17:360:17:40

# Well, hang on

0:17:400:17:42

# Everybody hurts... #

0:17:470:17:50

SUSAN PANTS

0:17:500:17:52

# Sometimes... #

0:17:520:17:55

Oh, you look different.

0:17:570:17:59

Have you changed your hair?

0:17:590:18:02

Don't be stupid, Sunny.

0:18:020:18:03

Yeah.

0:18:030:18:05

Hard work, these stairs, when there's no lift.

0:18:050:18:07

Oh, I got you a tea.

0:18:070:18:09

-Almost there. Yeah, there we go.

-SHE SIGHS

0:18:100:18:13

So, the shop and the canteen have taken almost zero money today,

0:18:130:18:17

so that's two big revenue streams completely gone.

0:18:170:18:21

Why are you here, Sunny?

0:18:210:18:22

Oh, we received this.

0:18:220:18:24

It looked important so I opened it.

0:18:240:18:26

It's the coroner's report for Big John.

0:18:260:18:28

Yeah, it turns out that he was actually in pretty good health.

0:18:280:18:32

He died of an inherited heart condition,

0:18:320:18:35

so this has, kind of, all been for nothing, really.

0:18:350:18:40

You love this, Sunny, don't you?

0:18:400:18:42

You love me looking silly...

0:18:420:18:43

MUSIC: Creep by Radiohead

0:18:450:18:47

Doris says, "Can we have some Wig-Wam Bam?"

0:18:470:18:50

Grow up, Doris! We're having some more Radiohead.

0:18:500:18:53

Act your age!

0:18:530:18:55

Ivan, I've made you another cup of tea.

0:18:550:18:57

I know I saw some mint imperials somewhere under a cupboard

0:18:570:19:00

in this hospital.

0:19:000:19:01

I just can't remember where.

0:19:010:19:03

The Children's Ward!

0:19:030:19:04

Bravery lollipops - the sweetest taste of all!

0:19:040:19:07

Ivan, just drink your tea.

0:19:070:19:09

I think you'll like it.

0:19:090:19:10

MUSIC: No Surprises by Radiohead

0:19:100:19:13

# Full up like a landfill

0:19:130:19:17

# A job that slowly kills you... #

0:19:170:19:20

It's got sugar in it, hasn't it? Oh, my goodness!

0:19:200:19:22

-There's five of them, isn't there?

-HE GIGGLES

0:19:240:19:26

Sugar to Ivan is like spinach to Popeye.

0:19:260:19:29

I know it's bad for him, but if he's miserable,

0:19:290:19:32

all the old dears will get miserable too,

0:19:320:19:33

and that's even worse for them.

0:19:330:19:35

A DJ's job is to be happy.

0:19:350:19:39

I think that's the only useful thing I've ever learnt from Ivan.

0:19:390:19:42

Right. He's coming...

0:19:480:19:49

I can't do it! You're going to have to sack him.

0:19:490:19:51

It'll be my pleasure. I hate bloody carrots.

0:19:510:19:54

What are you doing?

0:19:540:19:55

I can't get into my usual hiding place!

0:19:550:19:57

Yo, winners,

0:19:570:19:58

I've got something here that's going to rock your little world right up.

0:19:580:20:01

SUNNY COUGHS Apple spirals on a bed of gluten-free oats,

0:20:010:20:04

dusted with walnuts. Do you want to try?

0:20:040:20:05

Oh, yummy! Tyler, Sunny's got something to tell you.

0:20:050:20:08

Yeah, what? SUNNY COUGHS

0:20:080:20:11

Don't be such a chicken, Sunny.

0:20:110:20:13

You haven't lost your voice. You can't lose it that quickly.

0:20:130:20:15

-Tell Tyler.

-Tell Tyler what? SUNNY COUGHS

0:20:150:20:18

Sunny thinks we're going to have to let you go.

0:20:180:20:20

SUNNY COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS What?

0:20:200:20:22

Wait, is he choking?!

0:20:220:20:24

Raise a leg if you're choking, Sunny.

0:20:240:20:26

SUNNY SPLUTTERS

0:20:260:20:27

Oh, my God! Tyler, you're going to have to save him!

0:20:270:20:30

OK. All right.

0:20:300:20:31

Listen to me, Sunny, this is very important!

0:20:310:20:34

The first rule is - only you can decide to be healthy.

0:20:340:20:37

Yeah? Hmm?

0:20:370:20:39

Yeah, no, this is pretty serious.

0:20:390:20:40

SUNNY SPLUTTERS I'm going to need ginseng, some mouse milk, fairy dust...

0:20:400:20:43

Oh, get out of the way! I'm calling A&E.

0:20:430:20:45

Sunny, is it 9 for an outside line?

0:20:450:20:47

-Just raise a leg for yes.

-HE GROANS

0:20:470:20:49

Or maybe I should call Resus.

0:20:490:20:50

What's the extension?

0:20:500:20:52

There's no point. He's going blue. He's finished.

0:20:520:20:54

Don't die on me, Sunny!

0:20:540:20:55

I can't lose two people in the same week -

0:20:550:20:57

it'll reflect really badly on me!

0:20:570:20:59

Come... Come on... Come on!

0:20:590:21:02

One, two, three. Hup!

0:21:020:21:04

-He's gone.

-One, two, three.

0:21:040:21:06

SUNNY GROANS Yes!

0:21:060:21:08

Come here, come here...

0:21:080:21:11

Get out, Tyler. You're fired!

0:21:110:21:12

Your healthy eating's nearly killed Sunny!

0:21:120:21:15

My healthy eating nearly killed him?

0:21:150:21:17

I've added probably a decade to his life.

0:21:170:21:19

I bet his colon looks beautiful.

0:21:190:21:21

I'll tell you what, you don't deserve me.

0:21:210:21:23

I'm going to go somewhere where my visions are appreciated,

0:21:230:21:25

and leave you here to have your perverse little love triangle.

0:21:250:21:28

Goodbye forever!

0:21:280:21:30

It's disgusting!

0:21:300:21:31

HE WHIMPERS

0:21:330:21:35

Right, we've got Big John's memorial to go to.

0:21:400:21:42

-No, no, wait!

-What?

0:21:420:21:44

You've been telling me all day I should say a few words!

0:21:440:21:46

Yes, but maybe you should take the fat-suit off first?

0:21:460:21:49

Yeah, you're right.

0:21:490:21:51

Well, get on with it!

0:21:510:21:53

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:530:21:55

We are gathered here today to remember Big John,

0:22:030:22:06

and it's a testament to the great man that this is one of the biggest

0:22:060:22:10

audiences we've had in the chapel,

0:22:100:22:13

so I think we should get a selfie!

0:22:130:22:15

All right, everybody bunch up.

0:22:150:22:17

Come on, big smiles.

0:22:170:22:19

Let's see it. Are you ready? Bunch up. Come on now.

0:22:190:22:21

-CAMERA CLICKS

-There we go.

0:22:210:22:24

Oh, he'd love that.

0:22:240:22:25

Even as a child, John was always big.

0:22:250:22:28

No-one knows why - puppy fat, glands, big bones...

0:22:280:22:32

He'd eat anything.

0:22:320:22:33

QUIET LAUGHTER

0:22:330:22:35

Big John was a grafter -

0:22:350:22:37

he always had far too much on his plate!

0:22:370:22:39

SLIGHTLY LOUDER LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:41

Mrs Leydon likes that one.

0:22:410:22:43

He's the kind of guy that would really brighten up a room,

0:22:430:22:46

especially when he moved away from the window.

0:22:460:22:48

-LOUD LAUGHTER

-All right?

0:22:480:22:51

Apparently, he was baptised at Sea World.

0:22:510:22:53

SILENCE

0:22:530:22:55

Too soon? All right, there's the line, that's fine.

0:22:550:22:58

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see our hospital manager -

0:22:580:23:00

give her a big round of applause.

0:23:000:23:02

POLITE APPLAUSE

0:23:020:23:04

Please welcome Susan Mitchell.

0:23:060:23:08

Well, today I have learnt that we should never

0:23:110:23:15

judge a book by its cover,

0:23:150:23:17

unless that book is Cheeky Little Dinners For Winners!

0:23:170:23:19

THEY CHUCKLE

0:23:190:23:21

The sugar ban has been lifted.

0:23:210:23:23

-CHEERING

-Right? It should have never been on.

0:23:230:23:26

Tomorrow there'll be cheesy chips and sticky toffee pudding

0:23:260:23:28

in the canteen.

0:23:280:23:30

CHEERING

0:23:300:23:32

Oh, goodness, I've never been cheered before.

0:23:320:23:35

Oh, I loved Big John. I really miss him.

0:23:350:23:37

Let's... Let's sing a song to heaven's newest angel.

0:23:370:23:40

Erm...

0:23:400:23:41

# My life is brilliant

0:23:430:23:45

# My love is pure

0:23:450:23:47

# I saw an angel

0:23:470:23:49

# Of that I'm sure

0:23:490:23:51

# She smiled at me on the subway

0:23:510:23:53

# She was with another man

0:23:530:23:55

# But I won't lose no sleep on that

0:23:550:23:57

# Cos I've got a plan

0:23:570:23:59

# You're beautiful You're beautiful

0:23:590:24:03

-# You're beautiful, it's true

-You're beautiful, it's true

0:24:030:24:07

# I saw your face

0:24:070:24:09

# In a crowded place

0:24:090:24:12

# And I don't know what to do

0:24:120:24:17

# Cos I'll never be with you... #

0:24:170:24:20

MUSIC FADES IN: You're Beautiful by James Blunt

0:24:200:24:22

# You're beautiful... #

0:24:220:24:24

Come on everyone, get up!

0:24:240:24:25

# You're beautiful

0:24:250:24:28

# You're beautiful, it's true

0:24:280:24:30

# I saw your face

0:24:330:24:36

# In a crowded place... # PAGER BEEPS

0:24:360:24:38

# And I don't know what to do

0:24:400:24:44

# Cos I'll never be with you... #

0:24:460:24:50

I'll rise again.

0:24:520:24:54

# I will never be with you. #

0:24:560:25:00

DISTANT SIRENS WAIL

0:25:000:25:03

Hospital radio - listen to the difference.

0:25:030:25:07

Hey it's me, Ivan Brack-Brack-Brack-Brackenbury!

0:25:070:25:10

I feel fantastic!

0:25:100:25:12

I hope all you sick and dying patients do too.

0:25:120:25:15

So, the sugar ban's been lifted!

0:25:150:25:17

We are L-E-I-V, live!

0:25:170:25:21

-ROBOT VOICE:

-He's bonkers.

0:25:210:25:22

OK, so a bit of an update -

0:25:220:25:24

it turns out that the free Viagra at the chapel

0:25:240:25:27

that the OAPs were handing out was fake stuff bought online from China.

0:25:270:25:31

Sadly, Father Kenny says that they are now expecting to see

0:25:310:25:35

their members start to drop off.

0:25:350:25:37

Am I annoyed that the hospital manager upstaged me?

0:25:380:25:41

No. It's not about me.

0:25:410:25:43

This whole memorial thing was, kind of, about John in many ways.

0:25:430:25:47

I have started jotting down some jokes, though,

0:25:470:25:49

in case Helen the dwarf from the canteen dies -

0:25:490:25:51

I do not want to lose that one.

0:25:510:25:53

MUSIC: Wig-Wam Bam by Sweet

0:25:530:25:55

This is going out to lovely Doris. This is Sweet!

0:25:550:25:58

# Hiawatha didn't bother too much... #

0:25:580:26:02

Another cup of tea, Shaz?

0:26:020:26:04

# And her tender touch

0:26:040:26:06

# Till she took him to the silver stream

0:26:060:26:10

# Then she whispered words like he had never heard

0:26:100:26:14

# That made him all shudder inside when she said

0:26:140:26:17

# Wig-wam bam

0:26:170:26:19

# Gonna make you my man

0:26:190:26:21

# Wam bam bam

0:26:210:26:23

# Gonna get you if I can

0:26:230:26:25

# Wig-wam bam

0:26:250:26:27

# Wanna make you understand

0:26:270:26:29

# Try a little touch

0:26:290:26:30

# Try a little too much

0:26:300:26:32

# Just try a little wig-wam bam

0:26:320:26:36

# Running Bear never cared enough

0:26:380:26:41

# About Little White Dove and her tender love... #

0:26:410:26:44

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