The Health Guru Hospital People

MUSIC: Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart by Gene Pitney

Someone has died at Brimlington.

Not a patient - they die all the time -

but a member of staff, so this is serious.

-DOOR CLOSES

-Hey up.

Eurgh! Oh, God! How many sugars in that?

Four, like always.

Five in a Sports Direct mug. Hang on.

Yay! Absolutely love that!

That was for Big John who, it seemed,

looked after everyone but himself.

His memorial will be today in the chapel.

Now, it says here that medical staff are very keen

to keep John's memory alive.

Well, it's amazing what they can do these days, isn't it?

OK. So, on with the show. Here's another one for Big John.

-Oh, such a shock.

-Yeah.

Not for me. I predicted it with the Tarot.

The doctors did all they could with conventional medicine.

-If only I'd got there sooner.

-He died of a massive heart attack.

Yeah, I know. I've got a crystal for that.

Hey, you do realise that we're going to need you to cover for Big John

until we find a new head porter, right?

Oh, I can't possibly.

I've got all my psychic healing work to do.

-You don't look very busy.

-Yeah, I am.

-No, you're not.

-Yeah, I am, though.

-You will be busy, though.

You're going to be run off your feet.

Surprised you didn't see that coming.

Hey, Susan.

Have you thought about saying a few words at Big John's memorial?

And I really think it might help raise

your staff approval rating from its record low.

No, I'll be far too busy with Tyler Watt

to do some memorial service, Sunny.

Ah, yes, Tyler Watt,

the author of Cheeky Little Dinners For Winners.

-Yes.

-You do realise that Big John had a massive heart attack

going up the stairs cos the lift was out, right?

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Any one of us could have been underneath him when he fell.

Yeah, it makes me think that maybe we should have got the lift fixed

before getting a nutritionist in.

Sunny, one of my staff members has died at work.

This is a personal tragedy,

especially if the health minister finds out.

I need to show we can take staff health seriously, and fast.

All right. And the best way to do that is with a health PR stunt?

Exactly. You're learning, Sunny.

We're going to stamp out this culture of excess and laziness,

starting with you.

Now, go and fetch my airport buggy.

Please.

-HORN HONKS

-Stay back! Get over!

Tyler's book is amazing.

It's full of healthy dinners

that can be prepared in five minutes or less.

Sourcing the ingredients can take months, though.

That's why I use substitutions.

So, if I can't get cauliflower rice, I just use regular rice instead.

Or chips.

Honestly!

Tyler, such an honour. Susan Mitchell.

We absolutely love your book, don't we, Sunny?

Oh, yes, I've flicked through it from cover-to-cover

and read the whole back, in fact.

They're calling it a nutrition bible,

which is a bit embarrassing,

but I can see where the comparisons come from -

man from humble beginnings,

powerful message that changes the world.

-Jamie Oliver?

-No, not Jamie Oliver. Jamie Oliver is a cook!

I'm a nutritionist. That's a visionary, you know?

Shall we make our way to the hospital radio studio?

-I'm yours.

-Yes, hop on.

Let's get your message straight out there.

Move out the way!

TYRES SCREECH, LIGHT BANGS

People look at my book. That's a tool for change.

People look at my van. That's a tool for change.

People look at me, myself, my hair, my body.

LIGHT BANGS That's a tool, too.

I've got to say, I'm probably the biggest tool going.

-ON RADIO:

-'You're listening to Hospital Radio.'

OK, here we are - Hospital Radio.

-Brake!

-TYRES SCREECH

Now, we have an exclusive interview.

All of Brimlington's staff are having our health scrutinised,

which makes a nice change from it all being about you patients.

So, we have our very own special nutritionalist

in the studio, Tyler Watts.

-Hiya!

-Hi there, Ivan.

-Hiya!

Now, I always make sure I get my five-a-day.

Today, I'm having five blueberries.

There might even be more in here, I don't know.

TYLER CHUCKLES All right.

The reason I'm here today with you, Ivan,

is I'm going to totally revolutionise this hospital

using a philosophy what I invented myself,

out of my book that boils down to four very simple rules.

Well, I have to ask -

if you were a biscuit, what kind of biscuit would you be and why?

And you can't say rich tea cos they're boring.

What's he doing? Could we look again at the possibility

of turning this into a Costa Coffee?

Right, listeners, do e-mail in some questions for Tyler.

Quickly, please, cos I can't think of any more.

What are the four rules in your book, Tyler?

Thank you, Shaz.

One - nobody else can make you healthy.

Two - never, ever, ever eat sugar.

Three - always snack on vegetables.

And four - eat three things every day

that a normal person wouldn't be confident in pronouncing.

Acai berries, kombucha, quinoa.

-Pasgetti, Toberalome, um, Domlio.

-No, I tell you...

Listen, mate, this is a lot worse than I thought, as a matter of fact.

You're a right wreck. I tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to impose a total ban on all sugar

across this entire hospital.

-No, no, no, forget that, mate.

-Oh, no.

By the way, mate, if I was a biscuit, I'd kill myself.

Think about that.

I'm going to put him down as a fig roll.

Is he a patient?

Oh, he was an absolute imbecile, but you did a brilliant job.

HORN HONKS

Right, e-mail from Father Kenny, the hospital chaplain.

The Chapel OAPs' Club have had great success with their

"free Viagra" campaign.

He says they've seen their members go right up!

Ivan Brackenbury...

We got him again, Mrs L.

Oh, it's not the same, though,

without Big John here to laugh at that with me.

You know, it's not the first time I've lost a colleague at work.

-Oh, dear.

-Yeah, when I was at college,

my roommate was found dead, face down in his muesli.

Really?

Yeah, they said he was pulled under by a strong CURRANT.

Right.

It's a joke, Mrs Leydon.

Big John told it to me!

It's so sad, but, you know, Big John was very popular,

and I do love a eulogy, so today is a massive gig for me!

MRS LEYDON GUFFAWS

Strong currant!

Right.

Oh, what a horrible way to go.

Toxic!

Oh! Filth!

OK. All of this?

-OK, erm...

-Poison! Get rid of it.

Tyler, wasn't rule number one that you have to let people

decide for themselves to be healthy, and not you?

Look, Sunny, if that's your real name,

I've lost a lot of good friends to this crap, OK?

What, they died?

No, no, they cut me off emotionally cos I kept putting

all their stuff in bin bags.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

In a hospital - a place of medicine!

The staff are not going to be happy. Think of the approval rating.

Well, they should've thought about that before

they started dropping dead in the middle of shifts.

-What about the Hippocratic Oath?

-Don't forget the fudge!

Who eats things like this?

It's a bad idea, OK?

This place runs on sugar -

sugar and the revenue from the car park.

I mean, you can't ban it, anyway - sugar's in everything.

A carrot, for example, has five grams of sugar in it,

so all I have to do is eat...

15 carrots and I've just had a Toffee Crisp.

The joke is on management,

because now I've got the use of Big John's office,

so, finally, I have somewhere

to practise my practice.

Let's see what the future holds for you, shall we?

The Star -

that means you're going to see a star.

The Moon -

I'm sensing that you're going to go out at night.

The Hierophant -

that means you're going to get one of them.

What is it?

That is a very good question, Geraldine.

The hierophant is a high priest,

or a person that interprets sacred mysteries.

Oh, I'm a hierophant.

-PAGER BEEPS

-Oh...

The head porter's beeper does beep a lot more

than my old one used to.

Right, let's just concentrate on the cards...

PAGER BEEPS

There are eight surgeons working at any one time in this hospital,

but only one hierophant,

and he has to keep stopping work to go and wheel people about!

-PAGER BEEPS

-Oh, for...

Right. They're having a laugh!

Oi, you, David Bellamy!

Careful with that doppelganger - that's my likeness.

How are the new menus coming along?

"Water into wine"?

This is next-level, love.

What I've done is I've turned cheesy chips into a salad station.

Oh, love it!

The salad bar is my favourite part of the Harvester experience.

Crispy croutons, bacon bits, Thousand Island...

No, no, no, no, no!

This is all raw vegetables, grains and ancient seeds.

Erm, Tyler, what have you turned a jacket with cheese and beans into?

Tender broccoli stems on a bed of celeriac mash with anchovy foam.

Finally! My favourite!

I've taught the chef how to pronounce everything -

now all he needs to do is learn how to cook it all.

Isn't that right? TYLER LAUGHS

This is exactly what the staff here need!

Yeah, you're telling me.

Some of your worst offenders are being quarantined into this zone.

These are what we in the nutrition game call "shame tables".

-Come and have a look at this.

-Ooh!

One of my great pioneering techniques is the "shame table".

You get people to fill in a form of everything they eat

during a week, then you put those things on a table.

That's when the shame kicks in -

when they see what they're actually putting into their bodies.

Right, Ivan, this is you, is it, mate?

Any food that comes with, like, a free toy or a balloon on a stick,

any of that, that's not good for you, mate.

That's a real red flag.

-What does your doctor say about all this?

-Nothing.

In fact, I got this lollipop for being brave in my diabetes test.

Bruv, that's not a badge of honour.

Tyler, can I have a Curly Wurly?

Cos they're mainly holes.

No! They're mainly sugar,

and sugar is now banned from this entire hospital.

It's the new mad cows' disease!

I ate loads of beef in the '80s,

and there's nothing wrong with me.

HE MOOS

-HE GIGGLES

-Do you get it? It's a cow.

But, you know, I did, though,

and it's all scare-mongering, isn't it?

Same as that asbestos.

I ate loads of that too.

This is a lot of biscuits.

Well, I had family over.

Mrs Leydon, you're only supposed to put down the things that YOU ate.

Oh, I thought this was about shopping.

Well, that does at least explain the cat food.

No, I'm a nutrition expert, you know?

A master of healthy eating.

Oh, like Jamie Oliver?

No, not like Jamie Oliver. Why do people keep saying that?

Your family drink a lot of gin, don't they, love?

Oh, no, that's all mine.

I do like a bottle of gin in the evening, with me biscuits,

and I sometimes watch Jamie Oliver.

Do you know him?

If that health guru comes

sniffing around me, I've got a plan.

I turned my life around, with God's help. Ha-ha!

Only joking, these were Big John's.

Cheers, fella.

Anyway, I've got a memorial to get ready for.

I can't waste my time going around eating couscous.

Oh, here we go!

What's this smorgasbord of misery?

"Susan Mitchell".

Oh, you've done a table for me? I didn't think that...

Yes, I filled out a form for you. I was very thorough.

Oh, thank you, Sunny(!)

Yeah, you're welcome.

Lattes, pastries, muffins.

Low-fat muffins.

Yeah, but there's about 18 of them.

And what about all these fags?

Oh, I only have one when I'm stressed,

or after sex, which hasn't been for a while -

hence the stress.

Suze, if you don't love yourself,

how are you going to find someone to love you?

Tinder?

I'll tell you what, you're going down the wrong road, you.

All this junk food, cigarettes,

going around on that mobility scooter.

-It's an airport buggy.

-Whatever.

It's for efficiency. I'm in great shape.

I'll level with you -

you're clad in some impossible lady lumps there.

Thank you for noticing.

You are un poquito Bootylicious.

In R&B, these are all good things, aren't they?

What are you saying?

You're a bit fat, but I can heal you.

Well, I've never been skinny.

When I was at school, some of the boys were quite cruel.

They used to call me names like Lazy Susan,

Sumo Mitchell, the Mitchell-in Man...

Didn't give me a complex, though.

My father used to say,

"You should punch those boys on the nose -

"you're built like a brick shit-house,"

and that gave me a complex.

No Fruit Corners, just a chia-seed pudding.

I'm going to need brainfood, Mrs L.

Oh, I should have picked up the biscuits.

I'm not just writing a load of hack fat jokes for this memorial.

I need some quality fat jokes.

I'm looking at these "yo mama" websites, just trying a few out.

"Yo mama's so fat, she was baptised at Sea World."

-Oh, no.

-No?

I don't think you should do that.

Better for a christening.

Hmm, maybe.

"Yo mama's so dumb, she stared at the orange juice

"cos it said 'concentrate'."

No.

Bit off-topic, though, isn't it?

Step aside.

Suze, the games are over.

It's time for some tough love.

Am I going to need a cigarette?

-We're not having sex, Suze.

-Oh.

No way.

I'm talking about this obesity cape.

I found it just staring at me, bold as brass, like some sort of

miracle burning bush staring out of a nurse's cubby-hole!

That's a bariatric training suit -

nurses wear them to learn what it's like to be an overweight patient.

Complete waste of money!

It'd be cheaper to fatten them up.

I don't need to know its life story, love.

I just want to know if it's going to work

for this brilliant idea what I've conceived of.

What? Why are you putting this on me?

This place is full of slobs who eat junk.

Yeah, exactly, and you are their leader.

You've got to set them an example.

By Jove, that is an apocalyptic glimpse at a broken future.

Look at your disgusting abdomen and your asymmetrical knockers.

Look at your face!

We haven't done anything to my face!

This is madness, Tyler.

You may laugh,

but did they not too laugh at Jesus Christ our Lord?

"And I suppose that's what happens when your blood type's Bisto.

"RIP, John."

So, I've just done my work-in-progress gig for Mrs Leydon.

Some big laughs.

A lot of references did go over her head.

I mean, who doesn't know who Jabba the Hutt is?

Look at her, she's all laughed-out!

I might drop that bit anyway.

The impression's not really landing.

But that's why you do these previews -

hone your material.

Ivan Brackenbury!

-ROBOT VOICE:

-He's bonkers.

I'm used to tighten bolts.

I'm normally made of stainless steel.

I'm sometimes called a wrench.

What am I?

What am I?

Half a point to anyone who said I'm a tool.

I'm not - I'm a spanner.

And we've got an e-mail here.

"Are you all right, Ivan?"

Yeah, I'm fine!

I'm loving the sugar ban!

Get off my back! I feel great!

Tired, and sad, and a bit achy, but great.

Big John's memorial is starting soon.

That's a reminder to us all we could disappear into nothing

at a moment's notice.

This is REM with Everybody Hurts.

Ow!

Milk, no sugar.

Oh, God. That's gross!

It's bitter!

Is that what tea tastes like?

Ugh!

# When your day is long

# And the night

# The night is yours alone

# When you're sure you've had enough

# Of this life

# Well, hang on

# Everybody hurts... #

SUSAN PANTS

# Sometimes... #

Oh, you look different.

Have you changed your hair?

Don't be stupid, Sunny.

Yeah.

Hard work, these stairs, when there's no lift.

Oh, I got you a tea.

-Almost there. Yeah, there we go.

-SHE SIGHS

So, the shop and the canteen have taken almost zero money today,

so that's two big revenue streams completely gone.

Why are you here, Sunny?

Oh, we received this.

It looked important so I opened it.

It's the coroner's report for Big John.

Yeah, it turns out that he was actually in pretty good health.

He died of an inherited heart condition,

so this has, kind of, all been for nothing, really.

You love this, Sunny, don't you?

You love me looking silly...

MUSIC: Creep by Radiohead

Doris says, "Can we have some Wig-Wam Bam?"

Grow up, Doris! We're having some more Radiohead.

Act your age!

Ivan, I've made you another cup of tea.

I know I saw some mint imperials somewhere under a cupboard

in this hospital.

I just can't remember where.

The Children's Ward!

Bravery lollipops - the sweetest taste of all!

Ivan, just drink your tea.

I think you'll like it.

MUSIC: No Surprises by Radiohead

# Full up like a landfill

# A job that slowly kills you... #

It's got sugar in it, hasn't it? Oh, my goodness!

-There's five of them, isn't there?

-HE GIGGLES

Sugar to Ivan is like spinach to Popeye.

I know it's bad for him, but if he's miserable,

all the old dears will get miserable too,

and that's even worse for them.

A DJ's job is to be happy.

I think that's the only useful thing I've ever learnt from Ivan.

Right. He's coming...

I can't do it! You're going to have to sack him.

It'll be my pleasure. I hate bloody carrots.

What are you doing?

I can't get into my usual hiding place!

Yo, winners,

I've got something here that's going to rock your little world right up.

SUNNY COUGHS Apple spirals on a bed of gluten-free oats,

dusted with walnuts. Do you want to try?

Oh, yummy! Tyler, Sunny's got something to tell you.

Yeah, what? SUNNY COUGHS

Don't be such a chicken, Sunny.

You haven't lost your voice. You can't lose it that quickly.

-Tell Tyler.

-Tell Tyler what? SUNNY COUGHS

Sunny thinks we're going to have to let you go.

SUNNY COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS What?

Wait, is he choking?!

Raise a leg if you're choking, Sunny.

SUNNY SPLUTTERS

Oh, my God! Tyler, you're going to have to save him!

OK. All right.

Listen to me, Sunny, this is very important!

The first rule is - only you can decide to be healthy.

Yeah? Hmm?

Yeah, no, this is pretty serious.

SUNNY SPLUTTERS I'm going to need ginseng, some mouse milk, fairy dust...

Oh, get out of the way! I'm calling A&E.

Sunny, is it 9 for an outside line?

-Just raise a leg for yes.

-HE GROANS

Or maybe I should call Resus.

What's the extension?

There's no point. He's going blue. He's finished.

Don't die on me, Sunny!

I can't lose two people in the same week -

it'll reflect really badly on me!

Come... Come on... Come on!

One, two, three. Hup!

-He's gone.

-One, two, three.

SUNNY GROANS Yes!

Come here, come here...

Get out, Tyler. You're fired!

Your healthy eating's nearly killed Sunny!

My healthy eating nearly killed him?

I've added probably a decade to his life.

I bet his colon looks beautiful.

I'll tell you what, you don't deserve me.

I'm going to go somewhere where my visions are appreciated,

and leave you here to have your perverse little love triangle.

Goodbye forever!

It's disgusting!

HE WHIMPERS

Right, we've got Big John's memorial to go to.

-No, no, wait!

-What?

You've been telling me all day I should say a few words!

Yes, but maybe you should take the fat-suit off first?

Yeah, you're right.

Well, get on with it!

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

We are gathered here today to remember Big John,

and it's a testament to the great man that this is one of the biggest

audiences we've had in the chapel,

so I think we should get a selfie!

All right, everybody bunch up.

Come on, big smiles.

Let's see it. Are you ready? Bunch up. Come on now.

-CAMERA CLICKS

-There we go.

Oh, he'd love that.

Even as a child, John was always big.

No-one knows why - puppy fat, glands, big bones...

He'd eat anything.

QUIET LAUGHTER

Big John was a grafter -

he always had far too much on his plate!

SLIGHTLY LOUDER LAUGHTER

Mrs Leydon likes that one.

He's the kind of guy that would really brighten up a room,

especially when he moved away from the window.

-LOUD LAUGHTER

-All right?

Apparently, he was baptised at Sea World.

SILENCE

Too soon? All right, there's the line, that's fine.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see our hospital manager -

give her a big round of applause.

POLITE APPLAUSE

Please welcome Susan Mitchell.

Well, today I have learnt that we should never

judge a book by its cover,

unless that book is Cheeky Little Dinners For Winners!

THEY CHUCKLE

The sugar ban has been lifted.

-CHEERING

-Right? It should have never been on.

Tomorrow there'll be cheesy chips and sticky toffee pudding

in the canteen.

CHEERING

Oh, goodness, I've never been cheered before.

Oh, I loved Big John. I really miss him.

Let's... Let's sing a song to heaven's newest angel.

Erm...

# My life is brilliant

# My love is pure

# I saw an angel

# Of that I'm sure

# She smiled at me on the subway

# She was with another man

# But I won't lose no sleep on that

# Cos I've got a plan

# You're beautiful You're beautiful

-# You're beautiful, it's true

-You're beautiful, it's true

# I saw your face

# In a crowded place

# And I don't know what to do

# Cos I'll never be with you... #

MUSIC FADES IN: You're Beautiful by James Blunt

# You're beautiful... #

Come on everyone, get up!

# You're beautiful

# You're beautiful, it's true

# I saw your face

# In a crowded place... # PAGER BEEPS

# And I don't know what to do

# Cos I'll never be with you... #

I'll rise again.

# I will never be with you. #

DISTANT SIRENS WAIL

Hospital radio - listen to the difference.

Hey it's me, Ivan Brack-Brack-Brack-Brackenbury!

I feel fantastic!

I hope all you sick and dying patients do too.

So, the sugar ban's been lifted!

We are L-E-I-V, live!

-ROBOT VOICE:

-He's bonkers.

OK, so a bit of an update -

it turns out that the free Viagra at the chapel

that the OAPs were handing out was fake stuff bought online from China.

Sadly, Father Kenny says that they are now expecting to see

their members start to drop off.

Am I annoyed that the hospital manager upstaged me?

No. It's not about me.

This whole memorial thing was, kind of, about John in many ways.

I have started jotting down some jokes, though,

in case Helen the dwarf from the canteen dies -

I do not want to lose that one.

MUSIC: Wig-Wam Bam by Sweet

This is going out to lovely Doris. This is Sweet!

# Hiawatha didn't bother too much... #

Another cup of tea, Shaz?

# And her tender touch

# Till she took him to the silver stream

# Then she whispered words like he had never heard

# That made him all shudder inside when she said

# Wig-wam bam

# Gonna make you my man

# Wam bam bam

# Gonna get you if I can

# Wig-wam bam

# Wanna make you understand

# Try a little touch

# Try a little too much

# Just try a little wig-wam bam

# Running Bear never cared enough

# About Little White Dove and her tender love... #