Pilot Episode: The Conan Affair House of Fools

# Look at my glove I think I'm in love

# With my Medieval gauntlet

# I'm happy to say That today, all day

# I'll stride around the flat And flaunt it. #

Prepare to die, Doctor Doolittle!

# Oh, look at that prick He makes me sick

# He's filled my house with garbage

# It's time that he went And left me in peace

# And took his shitty gauntlet With him. #

Morning, Bob.

Why, nobody's died, have they? What are you doing?

I was just admiring this graduation picture of yours. It's so good.

It's so fabulous, I think I might point at it all day.

Well, I can perfectly understand that,

because it's a very powerful image, isn't it?

But actually, Vic, I want a word with you.

Could you just sit down for me, please? Just for a minute.

Not again!

Will you sit down, please?

This is a perfect example, Vic, of the general fannying about

and wimbrelling that I want to have a word with you about.

Excuse me, I hardly ever wimbrel.

Oh, you do wimbrel. Root-tee-toot-toot.

You're the king of the wimbrel, Vic.

There's the continued confusion between toilet rolls and curtains.

VIC GROANS

And this place is not Colditz, Vic.

I don't need an extensive tunnel network under the premises.

I don't know what you're talking about, really.

-And what's with that fire damage in the bathroom?

-Hey, that was nothing to do with me.

I was simply having my dinner in the bath with a nice bottle of wine

and some candles and a sausage swam away from the plate

and drifted off, and I reached out and grabbed it

and knocked in the wine, knocked the candles, kaboom!

Vic. Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic.

Why is it always you that suffers from sausage drift?

And "kaboom"? Wine isn't flammable, Vic.

The sort I drink is.

But most of all, Vic, it's this junk.

The painting of a pygmy, these delicious pineapples,

gas masks and outfits. Honestly, Vic, you know,

you're rapidly turning into Mr Dirty Feathers.

Look, Bob, I can change. I promise you I'll change. I can yield.

You can't change, Vic. You're fully realised. Do you understand?

I mean, look at this junk. What if I wanted to bring a lady back?

Oh, yeah? When's this happening, then?

No, I'm not saying it's happening, but it could happen, couldn't it?

You know, there might be a woman who'd take a punt on my face.

That happened to me once, and I didn't have any toilet roll.

Vic, I said "punt".

So, what's her name?

I don't know. I haven't met her yet, have I?

-What does she look like?

-If I'm lucky...

-Oh, if you're lucky, yeah?

-If I'm lucky...

-Yeah, if you're lucky

..she'll look like Sandi Toksvig.

-Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you, though?

-Wouldn't you? Yeah.

-Wouldn't you?

-You would, yeah.

-You would, though, wouldn't you?

-I had a really Sandi Toksvig once after a beach picnic.

And did you have any toilet roll this time?

-No, I just rinsed it off with a hose pipe.

-Yeah.

The thing is, Vic, what I'm really trying to say is I think it's actually time that you left.

-You know, I think it's time that we took a break.

-Oh, please. Come on.

Vic, clawing at my magnificent chest is not going to change my mind.

-Not this time, Vic.

-Were you expecting a hat?

Eh?

Oh, it's Beef. Come in, Beef.

# My name is Beef I'm a hard lovin' beast

# And I live next door to these two

# I travel this land Removing my pants

# While making love to African ladies. #

All right, Beef? I like your hat.

It's made of wood. Black wood.

Pineapples! the fruit of kings, Grown in Antigua

and plucked by heavenly sweating topless beauties

with thighs like granite and hairless arms as long as oars.

Beef? Beef? Any news?

-Yes. Draw near.

-Yeah.

-Nearer still.

-OK.

-No, you'll have to come nearer.

-All right.

That's it.

I've procured you a date this afternoon with a woman.

-With a woman?

-Yes.

-This afternoon?

-Yes.

Afternoon delight! Do you know what...

Do you know what I'm going to do?

-I'm going to watch a movie with her.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I happen to know she enjoys Conan The Barbarian.

-Right.

-Which is on at 2:30.

-Do you know what channel, Beef?

It's far down the menu near the nines,

amongst the fishing shit

but not as far as the Welsh stuff.

-That's deep. That's very, very deep.

-Yes.

-Yes. So what's she like?

-Just your type.

-Yeah?

Like a tug boat.

Hefty, charred, easy to pull

and with a water cannon on her prow.

Wow. Yeah, a bit like a trawler.

Squat, powerful, hard-working, full of herrings.

Yes, yes, yes. Do you know, she's the Sandi Toksvig type.

Ooh. Yes, please.

What the hell is that clown doing?

Oh, it's his home brew, Beef. Vic. What's that you're brewing?

It's a nice crisp Chardonnay.

MUDDY GURGLE

With breezy summer high notes

and a bit of a kick.

It smells like Lynx.

Well, I'm aiming it primarily at the teen market.

Oh, right. So, what are you doing this afternoon, Beef?

I think I might go and take a look at a rather large and beautiful Ruby.

-Wow. Where's this ruby at?

-She works at the launderette.

She's an exquisite Kenyan elder with an arse the size of a Fiat 500.

She sounds lovely.

She's all right.

Hey, well, thanks, Beef. You're incredible.

That much I do know.

APPLAUSE

Hey, Vic, have you heard the news? Beef's arranged a date for me this afternoon.

I'm going to watch Conan The Barbarian.

Brilliant! Well, let's get you sorted out.

Vic, I don't need you interfering.

Every time I have a date you ruin it for me.

Do you remember last time?

TRUMPET PLAYS

No, I can't remember that far back. Forget Conan.

Why don't you show her one of your DVDs from your collection?

-Yeah?

-How about Taken?

No, somebody nicked that.

Missing?

Missing, no. I can't find that anywhere.

Gone In 60 Seconds.

That's not a bad call, that, Vic.

Ah, it was here a minute ago.

What a surprise.

No, I'm going to be fine with Conan.

Beef says it's on telly this afternoon at half-two,

one of those channels that's pretty deep into the menu, apparently.

-Deep down into the abyss of the menu?

-Yeah.

-Is it as far as the Welsh stuff?

-Oh, no. No, it's not that far, Vic.

So, if it's further back, then, it's probably sandwiched

somewhere in between forensic pets and psychic cutlery.

-Right, well, that'll be easy to find, Vic.

-Good. Right.

So, we've got your drink sorted out, we've got your movie.

You never know, Bob.

She's all loosened up. You might get your grip.

I would like to get my grip, Vic.

Why don't we ask your son if we can borrow his sofa bed?

-Ah!

-Stand back.

-Give it a go.

Er... Blood Axe?

Thor?

-Horst? Bengt?

-It's Erik.

Erik? Erik?

# I am Bob's son from a liaison With a thick-set woman from Norway

# She was sat on the docks Wearing nothing but socks

# She looked a bit like Sandi Toksvig. #

Erik, hey, I was just wondering if I could borrow your sofa bed.

Er, let me think. No.

Tell him why.

Well, it's just I was hoping maybe to get my grip.

Oh, that is disgusting. Eurgh!

Eurgh! Eurgh!

Eurgh! Eurgh!

Eurgh! Eurgh!

Eurgh!

Right, never mind that. OK. Let's go into the kitchen and sort your menu out.

Oh, couldn't you just leave, Vic? You're going to have to get over the pygmy picture first.

Give us a hand, Bob.

Push.

Ooh, ooh. You stink. Where have you been?

I've been down the dog pound. I thought you could get a dog for a pound.

-Push!

-THUMP

Are you all right, princess?

Yes, thank you for asking, yes. Fine.

So, how do I get over now, Vic?

-You see that trampette?

-Trampette? What trampette?

Hang on a minute.

Right. Come here. Follow my eyes. Watch them.

Down there. Can you see?

Oh, here it is. Trampette, yeah. Thanks, Vic.

Put that in the middle of the room, take a run up and jump over.

Yeah. And you're staying there, are you?

Yeah, I want to see your little balls as they pass over and enjoy myself for once.

BOING

CLATTER

Your cupboards were pretty bare, Vic.

All I could find was this marrow and this inner tube.

That'll make a really nice salad

in combination with the tinned pineapples. Tropical.

Yeah. No, it could work.

So, Vic, I think that's probably all the help I actually need.

Please, Vic, I think it's probably time, yeah,

that you made your arrangements, got yourself out of the flat

and left me to enjoy my date, yeah, watching Conan?

No!

No!

My date!

-Put this round your neck.

-No, Bob, please.

-Put it round your neck, fella.

-Bob, don't do this.

That is the final wimbrel you will carry out on these premises.

Bob, I know how this is going to end and it's not going to be pretty. Please don't do this.

-The date is ruined, Vic.

-Bob, I promise I'll get you a new telly.

-I'll sort you out the best date you've every had.

-Yeah. Just eat this.

Ha!

-That would've made a nice salad.

-Oh, would it?

How are you going to get me a television?

Maybe not.

-I'll phone Beef. He always comes up trumps.

-Mm.

KEYPAD BEEPS REPEATEDLY

It's on speed dial, Vic.

KEYPAD BEEPS ONCE

Hi, Beef, yeah.

Pretty good, actually, yeah.

Yeah, just wondering if you've got a TV we could borrow for the afternoon.

All right, brilliant, thanks. See you in a minute.

-Yeah?

-He's coming round directly.

Hey, when he comes round don't let him hang about, Vic.

He'll ruin my date for me, you know what he's like.

-Whoa, Beef, that was quick!

-Here's your telly.

-We're watching Conan The Barbarian

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-I'M watching Conan The Barbarian

-HE'S watching Conan The Barbarian.

I know you are. Yes. I love that film.

He rules a kingdom with a sword,

she rules him with her heaving tits clad in metalwork.

-It's amazing. May I join you?

-Yeah, join us!

-Oh, Vic!

I see, getting in the Conan mood, yes, yes.

Get that telly sorted out. Set it up for me.

Now!

Yes, Your Majesty. Yes, sir. Come on, then.

Erik?

LOCKS CLICK

CHAINS RATTLE

KEYPAD BLEEPS

BOLTS CLUNK

Ah, Erik.

Thank you, Erik. Erik, Vic and Beef are hanging around

and I just wondered if maybe you could take them out for me?

Shoot them? Not a problem.

Thank you, Father.

No, Erik, I don't want to shoot them.

Could you just take them out somewhere nice? You know, maybe the park?

To the park? Like a man who is gay?

No.

LOCKS AND BOLTS CLUNK

-So, where do these go, then, Beef?

-I haven't got a clue, love.

I used it once to watch Blackula, but I couldn't see a thing.

-Look, it's still in here.

-There it is.

Oh, Vic, that's a microwave.

Is that a good thing?

No, Beef, it cooks food.

A TV that cooks food?

A television that cooks food?

God, I love living in the future.

Vic, I didn't actually want it to come to this,

but I'm going to have to ask you to go next door and ask Julie

-if you can borrow her television.

-Oh, but...

-I know.

Bob, don't do this to me, not after what happened last time. Please.

Vic, it'll be OK.

Look, just take this pepper next door with you

in case she gets a bit randy, Vic, but good luck.

Go and get me that telly. Good boy. Go on, off you go.

A TV that cooks food that is called a microwave.

Now, let's see about this.

BLEEP

-HE CHUCKLES

-Ooh! A firework display.

Oh, hello, Vic! What a lovely surprise.

HE WHIMPERS

Come in. Make yourself at home.

It's all right, Julie. Thank you. I was just leaving, actually.

Don't be daft. You've only just arrived. Come and sit down, mmm?

Take a seat. Look.

-Here, try this.

-I'm all right, thanks.

No, please try it. It's really important to me that you do.

Just taste it. Do you like it?

It's lovely.

There's nothing there, you silly boy!

Look, I've got ten minutes. We could do something, you know.

Something that takes ten minutes.

-MUFFLED EXPLOSION

-Good God!

What was that?

-A microwave.

-What?

Are you going somewhere?

Oh, yeah, I've got an overnight stay in Luton for one of my book signings.

Oh. So could we borrow your television for the afternoon, please?

No. Absolutely not. Sorry. It's an heirloom.

Ah! Julie, I really have to go now, Julie.

No need to go, Vic. Come on, stay and have a drink.

Look, I've got nine more minutes.

Nine more minutes means nine more sexes.

What do you mean "nine more sexes"? We haven't had any sexes.

Oh, I think you'll find we have. Don't you remember the spoon?

-That was a sex?

-Yes.

Well, I can't wait to tell Bob.

Look, you can borrow my telly if...

you buff my Barnaby Rudge.

SHE SIGHS I suppose we ought to get going, really. Am I driving?

Yes. What fun! Fab-oo!

Woodpecker?

ELECTRIC SAWING

Robot?

Intruder?

Take anything you want but my backside.

# I am Bosh I'm the brother of Vic

# And I just got out of prison

# I need somewhere to live I don't care who with

# As long it's under a pound You know. #

Hey.

Oh, not another one. What are you doing here?

Oh, Beef, this is... This is Bosh, Vic's brother.

-Bish?

-No, Bosh.

-Bish Bosh?

-No, Beef, Bosh.

Not Bish Bosh?

-No, Beef, just Bosh.

-And why Bosh?

Cos I always use Bosch power tools

when I'm working with my two mates, Black and Decker. Ha ha!

Only joking. No. I work alone, don't we?

I've just had sex.

Well, never mind that, Vic. Your brother's arrived now.

Yeah. Ah, yeah.

Erm... Well, the doctor said he should have 24 hours' bed rest

because he's contracted...

whooping cough. Haven't you? Haven't you?

Yeah, that's right, I've got whooping cough. Yeah.

Ahem! Whoo! Ahem! Whoo!

-That is terrible.

-Who says?

So I said he could stay here overnight.

It's all right, you won't even know he's here.

-It's just for one night, yeah?

-Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it is.

You're going to have to share a room with Vic, you know.

Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong, cos I don't mind sharing, you twat!

I've been sharing a cell for the last three years.

-Oh, he's been in prison.

-Yeah. So what?

You mentioned the underworld.

That turns me on hard. What were you in for?

Er...

Crime.

Well, obviously crime. What kind of crime?

You know, it was mainly Rachel.

Racial?! That's a bit heavy, isn't it?

Not RACIAL racial, you twat.

RACHEL, my ex-girlfriend, right?

She grassed me up for burglary, receiving stolen goods

and, er, sodomy.

Sodomy? Yes.

No, not sodomy, no. Robbery. Robbery.

-Bosh?

-Hmm?

-Would you mind maybe just going straight up to the room now

and just staying there for the afternoon, please?

He's got a date with a woman. He's watching Conan The Barbarian.

Hold on a minute, Bosh. That's my trophy.

"To Bob, for being a clever boy on the toilet, 2010."

What are you doing with that?

All right. Well, you know.

Have it back if it means that much to you.

Actually, I'll be off myself. I could do with an Eartha Kitt.

This date is looking very unlikely, Vic.

I haven't got a telly, the house is filling up with unwelcome men,

one of whom is having a shit in the kitchen as we speak.

Will you just get out, Vic? Please, will you just go?

Look, Bob, I'm sorry I let you down.

-Just get out, Vic.

-I'll go.

-Yeah, just go, please.

-All right, I've gone.

-I can still see you, Vic.

-No, you can't.

-Vic, I can still see you.

-Bob, what do you want from me?

-Why don't you...?

-No!

-Why don't you watch Conan at your neighbour's?

-She's gone away to Luton for the night.

-Well, why don't you just break in?

-Bosh, you can't just break into someone's premises

-without their permission.

-Oh, well, who said 'owt about going IN to the house?

See? No need to go in. You just have to watch it from here.

-Julie is going to kill us, Bosh.

-Oh, don't worry about that. I'll just plaster this lot up afterwards.

She'll never even know we've been here.

Yeah, but how are we going to turn the telly on? We need to get the remote.

Yep, well, this is where I come into the plan.

Oh, no, Vic.

You're not going to do a dirty burgle, are you?

-We don't want another Chatsworth.

-No. Please, no.

OK. Come on, boys. Good luck, Vic.

You all right?

He's got it. Come on, Vic. Get out of there.

Come on, get out.

VIC GROANS

-I'm stuck, lads. I think I'm stuck.

-All right, all right.

-Stuck solid, man.

-Hold on. You grab his arms, Bosh.

-All right, all right.

CLANGING

It's not working, lads. Try something else.

All right. I've got an idea.

-Give me the wrench. Grab his arms.

-OK.

CLANGING

-It's not working.

-It's not working.

-Think of something! Something else.

-Shall we?

-Yeah.

SMACKING

That's not working either.

-Got to think of something.

-Think, man. Think, Bob.

-Think.

Vic, I've got an idea.

KEYPAD BLEEPS

Hi. Yeah, is that the beach?

Yeah. Erm, it's Bob speaking.

Yeah, I just wondered if maybe we could borrow one of your donkeys this afternoon.

Yeah, Mr Boffo, if you could. He's got such a lovely temp...

-Oh, they've gone, Vic.

-Ah!

-OK, lads.

You need to get a move on because she's just pulled up outside.

Julie's back, Vic. Julie's back.

Ah! Come here, here. I've got an idea.

-Pss pss pss pss.

-Yes.

-Pss pss pss pss pss.

-Ahh!

No, Madam, you can't go in there.

I'm sorry, there's been a terrible gas leak.

Gas leak? How exciting.

Yeah, I'm afraid you'll have to vacate the premises for the afternoon.

-How thrilling!

-Yeah.

Now, I've arranged with next door that you can stay with them

-for the duration of the works.

-Oh, what fun!

Whoa, that is a lodgement!

Oh, hello!

Ugh!

I thought you'd gone away for the night.

Too drunk to drive.

-I've had a boob job, you know.

-I didn't know.

-Didn't you know? I thought you knew.

-No, I didn't know.

-I thought you knew. You did know, didn't you?

-I didn't know.

-I thought you knew.

-No, I didn't know.

They're very nice, though, very modern-looking.

Where did you get them done? In the town centre?

Yes, yes. At Timpsons. They don't just do heels, you know.

Why don't you give them a touch? They're ever so real.

Ah, it's OK. I'm all right, thank you.

Come on, don't be shy. Give them a plump.

Very interesting. Come and join me on the sofa.

I'm all right. I always crouch here when it's nearly half-past two.

Well, I'll just have to come to you, then.

Yeah, why not? And hurry up!

Oh, very masterful! Where are your glasses?

In the kitchen.

Red or white, Martin?

I've found one, but it's got lipstick on it.

Just give it wipe round the rim with a dishcloth.

The tap won't turn off now.

Stick the dishcloth up the hole.

Oh!

It won't stay up.

Well, get a teaspoon, stick it up the hole and ram it home.

Ooh!

Here, have a drink.

Thanks. I think I need one.

Oh, look, we've just run out of wine. I'll have to go next door and get another one.

No. Don't do that. No, no. No. Don't.

Look, there's wine there.

Oh.

It's a nice crisp Chardonnay with floral summer high notes.

THUMP

And a bit of a kick.

Push!

Ooh!

No good, Vic. I didn't want to have to do this

but I'm going to have to deploy the Heidenburg Stretch.

No, Bob! No, not the Heidenburg Stretch!

Yes, I'm afraid so, Vic.

-I've secured your plums.

-Be...gentle.

STRETCHING SOUND

Aah!

-SNAP!

-Oh!

Ooh, what happened here, Vic?

Chardonnay.

What the hell is this? Some kind of gas and no trouser party you've not told me about?

Your date's outside and she's furious.

So am I, actually, Beef. Tell us about it. This place.

I'm trying to have a date.

This place is like a crime scene. It stinks of Lynx.

I haven't got a television.

YOU have had a shit in the kitchen.

Where was it? In the Sugar Puffs box?

-It was in the kettle, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-In the kettle.

I'll tell you what, Beef.

Just cancel the date, just cancel it, please.

-The two of you, get out.

-Can't you just give me one more chance?

Draw near.

Conan, Conan. Where are you? The princess is dead. She's dead.

What does this even mean?

Aye, Conan. Give us your guidance, man.

Without your counsel we are d...d...doomed.

Where are you, anyway? Where are you hiding, man?

Well, excuse me, but I was not hiding.

I was simply trying to find the golden buttons that hold up

my magic breeches, for without them our cause is well lost.

Aye, man. That's all you've been banging on about for the last hour

is them poxy shirt buttons.

Well, I'm sorry if you think that my golden buttons are trivial,

but without them and the leather arm thing that goes there -

I've forgotten what it's called -

the leather arm thing that goes there, I'm absolutely powerless.

-But what will become of us, Conan?

-I don't know, love.

Tune in next week at 2:30 to find out

in Conan 2 - The Return Of The Leather Thing.

APPLAUSE

ALL SING: # Didn't we have A lovely day?

# The day that I saw Conan

-# What happens next?

-# Let's form a circle

# And dance around This Mexican turtle

ALL: # Didn't we have a lovely day Dancing round the turtle?

-# Whoo-hoo-hoo

-# Whoo-hoo-hoo

# But nobody buffed My Barnaby Rudge. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE