The Ghost Affair House of Fools

This programme contains some strong language.

# Today's the day that I locate the ghost that's haunting this flat

# It won't take long with me extendable prong

# As I poke it into nooks and crannies

# Will you look at that tit

# He thinks he's it

# With his probe he bought from the pound store

# It's just a can of Tile Well

# With a fish slice for an aerial. #

So, Vic, there's your le... WHOOPEE CUSHION PARPS

-Ooh!

-Ooh, excuse me.

-There's your leg o' lamb.

Thank you, well I'll have to eat it quick because the lads will be round

-very shortly for the ghost hunt.

-Oh the ghost hunt, that's today, is it?

-Yes.

-Yeah? What makes you think there's a ghost in this flat, Vic?

Well, one, ectoplasm in the toilet.

Yeah, no, that's just your night toffee, Vic, innit?

Two, ghostly moanings in the middle of the night.

Ooh, what do they sound like?

Just like a...

Oo-hoo! Whoooooo!

-BOSH COUGHS

-Whoooooo!

-All right, Bosh, you leaving today?

-What do you think?

-No?

Correct, you twat.

-Have a word.

-And three, Bob, and you can't deny this.

-Go on, then.

-This flat is built above an ancient Indian burial ground.

No, no, no, Vic,

it's above an Asian-Indian balti house.

Very different. Very different concepts altogether.

Well, there is a ghost down here

and tonight I'm going to prove it anyway.

All right, then, what do you think of me dish?

It's very nice, talk me through it.

Well, as I say, it's a leg o' lamb, it's not a lamb made of Lego.

No, the dish is...

The dish is formally known as lamb tuxedo,

as you can see by the bow tie there, yeah?

Yeah, what about the scissors?

Oh, the scissors, that's just an English twist on the chopstick.

-Yeah.

-Thought you'd like that.

It's nice, yeah. Where'd you get the idea?

The idea? I got it from an episode of Come Dine With Me.

From Preston?

Well, they're all from Preston, aren't they?

Well, they seem to be, yeah. I think I saw this one.

Is this the one where there was like a middle-aged pole-dancing woman

whose boobs were spilling out all over the table?

All over the table, yeah.

And she offered the other guests a mouth organ wrapped in bacon.

I mean, what sort of idiot would present a mouth organ as food

unless they're a complete moron?

HE COUGHS AND PLAYS THE MOUTH ORGAN

You all right, what's the matter?

Get it out!

You got a mouth organ in your mouth?

MOUTH ORGAN SOUNDS

Well, take it out.

MOUTH ORGAN SOUNDS: Can't, it's stuck.

I know.

I'll use the miracle of suction, that usually works with most things.

THEY LISTEN TO A JOLLY TUNE

So, Vic, can you fill me in on this ghost scenario, what it's all about?

Yes, of course, well, I read about it

in my copy of Ghost Hunter Monthly.

Oh, wow. How often do you get that magazine?

-It's monthly.

-Oh, yes, it says monthly, yeah.

Anyway, so... Oh, look, here's the advert here.

It says, this month's competition, blah blah blah,

fantastic prizes, your chance to win, blah blah blah blah, erm...

-blah blah blah.

-HONKS HORN

All entrants must provide a genuine photograph of a real living ghost

-blah blah blah...

-HONKS HORN

Blah blah blah blah,

and the competition closes

-tomorrow morning.

-Vic, give me the horn.

-Blah Blah blah blah blah.

-Vic, give me the horn.

-I'm not giving you the horn.

-You are giving me the horn.

Eurgh! Eurgh! Eurgh!

-All right, Erik.

-All right.

-Well, hey, Vic.

-Yeah.

-I love the cool honking, can I borrow the hooter?

Yeah, go ahead.

-HONKS HORN

-That's good stuff.

Ah!

And can I bring it to my room maybe?

Yeah, go on take it, you can borrow it, yeah.

Hey, Erik, would you like me to do some cool honking?

I'm pretty good at it.

-MOCKING:

-"Oh, Erik, would you like me to do some cool honking?

"I'm pretty good at it!"

He's got you down there, hasn't he?

I don't speak like that, do I?

"Oh, I don't speak like that, do I?

"Oh, this is how I talk, is it not?"

-That's you.

-Is it?

It is you!

-Oh, about the ghost hunt, though...

-Yeah.

Are there any prizes? You said something about prizes.

Oh, yeah, the prizes...

Third prize is, erm... Well, look, a day out with Andy Barker.

Who's Andy Barker?

I dunno, maybe Sue Barker's husband?

-Yeah, or maybe Roy Barker's son?

-Who's Roy Barker?

I dunno, I thought he might be Sue Barker's husband.

Second prize, ooh, you'll like this, this is right up your street.

-Go on, hit me. Go on.

-Look, a job in a loudspeaker shop.

-Ohh! Cor, I would like that.

-I know you would.

Can you not tick that box?

-No, because the first prize is what I want.

-What?

A chimp.

-A chimp?

-A chimp at my beck and call. Get in!

Vic, you're not having a chimp in this house,

it's full of morons already.

# I'm an exorcist with my crucifix

# And my rosary made of mung beans

# With my metal detector

# I'll find the spectre

# Cos mostly ghosts

# Wear iron waistco-o-o-o-o-oats. #

All right there, Beef, I like your hat.

Yes, it's made from the melted windscreens of 17 Range Rovers.

Let's catch a ghost and win ourselves a chimp.

Ghosts, pitiful wraiths trapped in suspense

amongst hoards of half-dead jezebels,

clutching newspapers with wooden tits

and cigarettes in the other hand.

I've no idea what I'm talking about.

-You lost your track, yeah?

-I did, I'm afraid, yes.

Well, Beef, what's that in your belt there?

This is my Sword of Draxos, would you like to see it in action?

I'd love to, yeah.

It's not, it's a clarinet.

CLARINET MUSIC PLAYS

So how exactly do you two intend to catch this ghost?

Well, I was rather thinking we might use Vic's rather splendid

quantum transducer detector.

-Do you want to have a look at it? Shall I show you?

-Yeah.

I've been looking forward to it all day.

Great, yeah, course I can.

Right, well, so when a ghost is in the area,

this lights up here and what's this canister here, I hear you ask.

Oh, what's that canister there, I ask?

Right, good, well this canister here contains, erm...

-Something funny, is it?

-No.

-No, not at all, no, I'm...

It's a really impressive.

Well, this canister here contains a mixture of talcum pooder

-and plasma.

-Sorry, what was that? Tang vorder?

It was just talcum powder, but I bought it in Dundee,

so I call it talcum pooder.

Anyway, so it's filled with talcum pooder and plasma...

What's with the snakes there?

Well, it's the armbands.

Look, is there something funny about this?

No, I-I, think it's a great...

Cos if there is, you two can more or less F off.

-Ooh!

-No, carry on, Vic, it's fascinating.

-Yeah?

-It's quite a bit of kit that, innit?

-Yeah.

Right, so anyway, when a ghost ends up in a nook or a cranny,

I puff a bit of that into it, the ghost breathes it in...

HE COUGHS

..comes out for a breath of fresh air, and I take a photograph of it.

Then...

Then, using this thing here, I waft it to the custard tin.

-Why a custard tin?

-That's a very good question.

-Yeah, will you be answering it?

-No.

I waft it into the custard tin, then I take it over to the sink,

turn the tap on, tip it down the plug,

put the plug in, and there we are,

hey, presto, the problem's out of my hands, over to you Mr Dyno-Rod,

I've secured the photograph of the ghost

and the chimp is an inevitanbility.

-A what?

-What is it?

And inevitanbil... An inevitanbility,

an indevatabil... It's a certainty.

It's a certainty.

Well, Vic, you know, now you've talked me through the machine,

I've got to say, I reckon this house is going to remain chimp-free.

All right, lads, what scene is being played out here?

And have we won that chimp yet?

Cos I've got a job I need it to do for me.

Look, kids, I hope you have a really pleasant night

hunting for your ghost, yeah, but let me make it perfectly clear,

I am not having a chimp living in this house, no way, end of.

Come on, lads, I've got a Ouija board set up in here.

Vic, did you hear what I just said?

I heard what you said, Bob, I took it all on board

and I've dismissed it.

Come on, lads, we've got to take a photograph of a ghost

-and win us ourselves a chimp!

-Woo!

Right, lads, when we conjure up the spirit,

-who's going to take the photograph of it?

-Me.

-Right.

-That's my job.

-There's a camera.

Thank you.

Take your cap off.

Lens cap.

I'm not wearing Len's cap, I'm not wearing anyone's cap.

-The cap on the camera.

-Oh, I knew that.

Turn it round.

-No, you idiot.

-Oh, right, I'm an idiot, am I?

Well, would an idiot be able to do this?

That's impressive, yeah, I take it back.

-Put the camera on.

-Thank you.

Hang on, I want a slice of this action.

Lads, lads, come on, come on.

Do you want to win a chimp?

BOTH: Yes!

Right, well, come on, let's seance.

BOTH: Ance.

Right.

Is anybody there?

Oooh!

Are you a Victorian whore with a 19th century price list?

In heaven, do you get Homes Under The Hammer?

-Are you are a carrot?

-Do you get Dickinson's Real Deal?

Look, it's not 20 bloody questions, you pair of idiots.

Oh, an idiot, you say? That's really rather interesting.

Would an idiot be able to do this?

Erik?

ERIK HONKS HORN

Hi, Erik. Wow, cool.

Yeah, they're having they're having...

They're having a seance down... ERIK HONKS HORN

They're having a seance downstairs, and I wondered if I could just...

ERIK HONKS HORN I wondered if I could...

If I could come in and... ERIK HONKS HORN

..watch your television? ERIK HONKS HORN

You have to say it faster.

They're having a seance downstairs and I wondered

if I could pop in and watch your television?

-Is that a no then?

-Yes.

ERIK HONKS HORN

I know him, he's a liar.

He's not even dead, that's a hoax.

-All right, mate, are you with them lot?

-Eh? Shut up.

No, I'm a ghost they summoned up.

Yeah, righto, mate, look, they're through there.

Who is? I'm not with them, I am a ghost, look.

Oohhhh!

Ooohh!

-That means you're a ghost, does it?

-Yes.

-Yeah, me too then.

Yeahhh ohhhh!

-Honestly.

-How about this, then?

Ohh...

-What's all that?

-Light, look at the light.

-Yeah, you're just turning it on and off.

-No, I'm not!

Yes, you are, well, do it from there then.

And I should do that for you?

I've got a brilliant mind, look at this. Automatic writing.

L...

Oh, don't write on me staircase, mate, I'll never get it off.

What's the matter with you? It's water based -

-that'll come off with a wet wipe.

-Yeah.

You heard this, lads?

I've got a fella here, he's got a water-based emulsion

on a high-traffic area. Yeah, no the stairwell.

He's not got a what? You're joking, where?

He hasn't either. You ain't got a mat on your threshold.

That's one of the most vulnerable areas in the entire property!

They're killing themselves laughing with you up there.

Yeah, well, can you tell them I am thinking about getting one...

Hang on a minute, old timer, I've got more, have a look at this.

-Well, it's a bit of magic, is it?

-No, it's supernatural.

-Oh, righty-oh.

-Look at everything.

-Well, I can't look at EVERYTHING.

-Yeah, well...

Just look at as much as you can.

Well, that's reasonable, yeah, all right, here I am.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Three, two, one, powerball!

Oh, missed!

-Was that the finale, mate?

-No, I've got one more.

-Oh, no, no...

-Three, two, one, powerball!

Bob, do you mind?

We're trying to summon up spirits in here.

It's not me, it's that bloke over there.

-What bloke?

-The bloke by the bookcase.

There's no-one there. Now, look,

if you're going to practise your looking up at the ceiling,

can you do it a bit more quietly, please? Thank you.

BONES CRUNCH

Ah, urgh.

Vic couldn't see you, so you are a ghost?

Yeah, I told you, they summoned me up.

Oh, the wankers!

This is the last day I need a frickin' ghost in the house.

-No offence, like.

-None taken.

Honestly, you see the thing is, if THEY get a photograph of a ghost,

right, there's a possibility I might have a chimp living in the house.

-Ohh.

-God, could things get any worse?

Well, I think they're about to.

# I've just popped in to borrow something

# Maybe a pack of sultanas

# It's just a ruse, a teeny excuse

# To shine a torch on Vic's banana. #

-Hiya, Julie.

-Hiya, Bob, how are you? Where's Vic?

He's just through there. Hey, Julie, can you see that bloke over there?

-Yeah, hi, Martin.

-Hello, Julie.

Martin?

-What, you're Martin?

-Oh, so the penny finally drops.

Hi, guys, what's this, a game of truth or dare?

-What are you doing, Julie?

-I'm giving you a One Direction.

Look, we're in the middle of something really important

as you can see.

THEY MOAN

So, it would be good for me, mate,

if you could perhaps just nick off, you know?

Yeah, I can see your problem.

I'll nick off in a minute, but first of all, could I have a quick chat?

I've not had a proper man chat since I died,

so what's your favourite, shovel or spade?

To be honest, I don't know the difference.

Oh, my God, we've got another one here, lads. Shovel is for

shovelling, spade is for digging. What's your favourite estuary?

-Estuary, I don't know, The Thames?

-Thames?!

Severn! Severn estuary, it's a pip,

Thames estuary hasn't got a tidal bore, has it?

Listen to yourself. You ask me a question now.

OK, erm... Where do you actually live?

Oh, terrible question, awful banter.

All right, I'll try and answer it.

I'm in that er, in-between place, you know,

that halfway house twixt Heaven and Hell, oh, what's it called?

-Oh, Travelodge?

-Not a fucking Travelodge.

Not a Travelodge, Limbo. You don't use Travelodges, do you?

-Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

-You're joking, aren't you?

-You can go in a Road Chef, 29 quid!

-All right, forget I mentioned it.

-Don't worry about them lot seeing me.

-Yeah?

I can only be seen by animals, relatives,

and people close to death.

But I'm not a relative, yeah, I'm not an animal...

-What, are you saying I'm going to die?

-I'm afraid so.

Oh, no, do you know how I die?

All I can say is it's quick.

-Well, that's something, innit?

-It's not that quick.

Oh! Ooh, hottie! Hot, hot! Hot, hot, hottie.

Julie, please, we are trying to summon up a phantom

so we can take a photograph of it and win a chimp.

Just use Martin, you Silly Billy.

Martin, come through, meet the boys.

-Say cheese.

-CAMERA BEEPS

Oh, it's a good one.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to print this out and file them

in the miniature town hall where I keep these things,

-and I'm going to print out that copy of Martin for you.

-Whatever.

OK. Martin, look at our lovely selfie.

-I'm going to just print out a copy for Vic.

-Lovely.

-Ta-ta!

-See you.

Oh, God, she's got a photo.

Oh, yeah, that impacts on you, don't it?

Chimp-wise, yeah.

Hey, lads, look, the quantum particle detector's lit up.

That means that there's a spectre in the parish.

-Come on, daft lad, help us out.

-All right.

Get the probe on. Yeah.

What's with the snakes, like?

It's the armbands, what's the matter with you?

Right, come on.

Ooh, can't wait for this.

Yeah, you sshhh.

-VIC:

-Woooh!

Woooh!

Wooooh!

Woooh!

Woooh!

Oh, there, there, there! A ghost, look.

That's not a ghost, you clown, it's a hard-boiled egg.

But what the probe has done

-is located the ghost of an unborn chicken.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah? So can I now confirm that no-one has a downer on the probe?

-No.

-Eh? Bob?

No, that's a nice bit of kit, Vic, well done.

I tell you what, Vic, I've got a feeling, I've got a good

feeling about this area here, it's got really cold really suddenly.

I think it might be worth checking here with your probe.

Yeah, I can do that.

Nice one.

Woooh!

Woooh! Woooh!

Woooooh!

You can cordon this area off... Brrr!

-..as a no-ghost area.

-Right.

That is a good unit that, Vic, whatever anyone says,

that's a neat probe, well done.

Thank you, do you hear that, lads? Right, let's carry on.

You see the snakes?

Well, they're armbands, aren't they?

VIC CONTINUES MAKING NOISES

NOISES GET LOUDER

It's gone berserk, it must be in here, this is the nest.

-Well, go on then.

-You get in there.

I'm not going in there, I'm Billy Elliot.

Get in there now.

Go on.

I'll need light.

Whoa!

Whoa, there's a ghost in there.

-What's it look like?

-A proper twat.

Get in and take a picture of it. Three, two, one...

-Ooh!

-Ah, it's horrible!

-It's evil.

-Ooh, it looks like Gary Barlow.

Oh, I know what that is, it's not a ghost, lads.

Come on - out the way.

-No, don't go in there, don't go in.

-Don't do it, Bob, you twat.

Oh, it's all right, I know exactly what it is.

Here, look.

-You see?

-I feel a proper Charlie.

Yeah, it's just items that have fallen in a particular manner

so as to resemble Gary Barlow.

Is he at a concert, or perhaps judging someone or something?

Simple as that, lads, that's all it is, it's not a ghost.

All right, now listen, I don't want to shift focus,

or undermine your quantum probe, but I actually bought one myself.

Ooh.

Didn't know this.

Oh-ho! Oh, Beef, look at the finish on that.

Wow, did you make that in the workshop?

-That's no concern of yours.

-Wow, what does it do, Beef?

-Want to see what it does?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Ooooh!

Ooh, did you see that, Vic?

Well, that's what I call a probe, Vic.

All right, well, I tell you what,

we'll forget about my probe, shall we?

-There.

-Oooh.

Can I just have a look at that?

Ooh.

Ooh.

Look at that.

-Ooh!

-How's this conflict going to resolve itself?

Yeah, who's going to make the next play?

Let's find out. Watch!

Whoa!

Poltergeist!

Watch out!

CLOCK CHIMES AND CUCKOOS

Wow, what just happened then?

In the light of what just happened then,

let's pull our pants up really nice and high and tight

and go and check out this manifestation in here.

-What do you think about that?

-What I think is, I'll tell you

what I think - can you stop trying to give yourself away, please?

Yeah, all right, never mind that,

-which one of them blokes are you going with?

-Eh? What? None of them.

Come on, course you are. Which one's your boyfriend?

Long-haired one?

If I had to choose one, yeah, the long-haired one I suppose.

-Yeah, all right. Let me go and ask him for you.

-No, please don't.

-And why not?

-No, you just behave, will you?

Martin? When am I going to die, Martin? The photo...

Photo!

Right, I'll regress one of you

-and see if you can find the ghost on your travels, who'll it be?

-Me.

What is it?

I'll take you back in time to a previous life.

Go on, get on with it.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Waaaaah!

Who are you, where are you, and what is your rank?

I am at the battle of Marston Moor,

my name is Edward Longbottom,

don't, I've heard them all before, I get it all the time.

Not as bad as my boss, General Dick Dangles, his life's a misery.

Anyway, the other day I'm walking through the marsh with Dick

and I tread in some dog dirt, and he says to me

"If you tread that into the tent, I shall hit the roof."

Shut him up, he's boring the tits off me.

I am Bonor, son of Bollock, husband of Tittybus,

guardian of the parish pub.

Spare me this Lord of the Rings shit, no offence, Vic.

-Hi, Julie.

-Hello, Bob, what a lovely surprise, isn't it though?

Isn't it though? Hey, look, is Martin about?

It's just he told me earlier that I was going to die

and I just wanted to see if he was telling the truth.

Sorry about that, mate, just bullshit.

Oh, well that's a relief, Julie, innit?

All round, that is a relief.

Julie, the photograph there, do you see, of Martin and yourself...

-Yeah.

-Could I have a look at that, please?

-Yeah, but first I want to ask you a little question.

-Yeah, go on.

Do you notice anything different about me?

Um, no, I don't think so.

Perhaps if I present you with my silhouette.

No, nothing, nothing at all.

I had my bum plumped up, you know, like the black girls do,

with a little shelf.

Oh, right, oh I see, yeah.

Yeah, I got it done at WH Smith at the bum department.

Yeah. They don't have a bum department, Julie.

It's actually a fully functioning shelf. Just stick something on.

OK, well, I tell you what, I'll dress it for you.

Do me up. Dress it for me.

-Yeah.

-Make me look pretty. What have you chosen?

-Not the bonsai?

-Yeah.

-You're crazy!

But you said you wanted it pretty.

-Are you ready, is it on?

-Yeah.

-Is it good to go?

It's good to go, go.

Check it out.

-Wow.

-Check it out.

It's an actual working shelf, Julie.

-Goodbye, handbag.

-Yeah.

-I'm really happy with it.

-I'm really pleased for you.

Look, Julie, you know that photograph?

Vic has asked me if I can come and fetch it for him,

so could I take it, please?

Yes, but only if you do one thing for me in return.

Ooh, ouch, yeah, what is it?

Well, what I want you to do is pull up beside me,

wind your window down and ask me for directions.

What, like so I'm driving a car, yeah?

-Like you're in a car.

-OK, here goes.

Vrrrr-oooom.

OK, I'm waiting for the bus.

Hey, excuse me now, I can see you're busy,

but could you give me directions to the library, please?

I'm so sorry, I'm not from round here.

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, it gets them every time.

-Go on, take the picture.

-I can take the picture?

-Yeah, you can take it.

-Thanks, Julie.

-Thank you.

-OK, bye, Bob!

-See you, Julie.

-Oh, tosser.

Look, you've regressed him too far, you fool. Cro-Magnon man.

What is laminate wood flooring?

Ugh, woman!

No, no, no I'm just a tobacconist.

Me want woman.

Strike him before he gets wind of our backsides.

Ah, bloody hell.

Well? Did it work?

No, it didn't work.

No ghost...

-No photo.

-No chimp.

-All right, lads?

-Twat.

What's the matter with you lot?

What's the matter? I'll tell you what's the matter.

We had a dream, a dream to own a chimp at our beck and call,

and now that dream's in tatters.

And like Icarus, we tried to fly too high to kiss the moon.

I mean come on, lads, life goes on, you know?

No, life doesn't go on, life without a chimp's no life for me,

I wish I was dead.

-Me too.

-Me too.

All right. Hey, Vic, here, I've got something for you, there you are.

-Aaaaah!

-Ahhh!

It's a picture of a ghost, we will get that chimp.

Bob, you big, beautiful bastard!

Bob, I always thought you were a major league asshole.

But you're not, you're a real stand-up guy.

Here it is, folks, it's the letter from Ghost Hunter magazine.

I think you all know what this is.

-You ready?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

Thank you for entering our recent photo competition.

-Come on.

-So, yeah, all right!

We are pleased to inform you that your photograph of the ghost,

Martin Cooper, has won...

THEY CHEER Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

..third prize, a day out with Andy Barker.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in!

Hi, I'm Andy Barker, and this is my bicycle,

and I'm going to blow your minds!

Who the hell are you? Sue Barker's husband?

No, I'm Linda Barker's brother.

Hang on. Yeah, I'm just going to have to use your toilet, sorry.

What a shit prize, why didn't we get the chimp?

I don't know.

Right, there's no easy way in saying this, is there going to be lots

and lots and lots of toilet paper?

-Just use the curtain.

-Curtain.

Oh, people, get him a bog roll, come on.

No, this is why we need a chimp.

Yeah. Hang on a minute, got an idea.

Take man toilet paper, you savage brute.

What is toilet paper?

Find me an African woman.

What is the...

HE MUMBLES

Yeah, and go and get me some strawberries.

Strawberries I know.

And while you're at it,

I've got a Barnaby Rudge that needs buffing, you monstrosity.

Oooh!

# Didn't we have a lovely day

# The day we created an ape slave

# So what happens next?

# We get on our knees

# And worship this full fat Turkish cheese... #

Ooh!

THEY HUM

Thank you.

APPLAUSE