The Birthday Affair House of Fools

# Today's the day of my birthday

# Can't wait to get my present.

# If Vic's forgot, I'll have him shot

# By a gang of filthy Mexican peasants #

Yes!

There he goes, ascending the stairs - Look! -

with some sense of urgency. Right, do you remember the plan?

Yeah. We grab him, we cut his head off,

put him in a bag and then shove him in the reservoir.

No, no, we dropped that plan.

Oh, no, I remember. We pin him down, we plant a rosebush up his arse

and feed him phostrogen till it blooms.

No, no, that was just me blowing off steam.

-Think "birthday".

-It's his birthday.

-Yeah, and...?

-You've organised a surprise party for him.

Yeah, and he mustn't know about it.

And there's a surprised woman coming.

Well, no, there's not a "surprised" woman.

Bob'll be surprised when he finds out who the woman is.

Who is it?

It's Erik's mum, Erika. She's coming over from Norway.

Ah, does Bob still fancy her then?

Oh, I dunno, I never really thought to ask.

Anyway, look, here he comes descending the stairs

with a much more relaxed look on his face.

Pretend you've forgotten his birthday.

Ta-da! Two, three, four!

-What?

-I'll tell you what, I'll run that tableau past you once more, OK?

Ta-da! Two, three, four!

-You all right?

-Do you actually know what day it is today?

-Day of the Jackal, Day the Earth Stood Still - I dunno.

-Darren Day!

No, it's my birthday... two, three four, whoa!

-Oh, yeah, no, we agreed to forget about that a minute ago.

-Yeah.

-What?

Oh, well maybe it's a good thing actually,

when I think back to what happened last year!

# Come on, baby and one, two, three... Give blood! #

Yeah, so if you're forgetting me birthday,

I suppose you haven't got me a present, have you?

Not even the tricycle that I kept dropping hints about?

Don't laugh at my tricycle.

Father, I have remembered it's your birthday and have a present for you.

Ah, he's got me one. Thank you, Erik.

No, no touching.

Here it is.

Wow, it's massive!

Well, go on, open it then.

OK. I wonder what it is.

A missile, something like that?

It's your coffin.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha...

..ha ha, and so on.

Yeah, and so on. No, I like it, it's nice.

I mean, it's the thought that counts, Erik.

Yes, and my thought was you've been shot.

With the Uzi - phrrrrrrrrrrrr...phrrrrrrr...

..shushuk...oooooooooh - buph!

-MIMICS:

-"Oh, oh, I can't see. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

"I didn't know it would end like this."

No, I understand the thought that you've had there, Erik.

Well, no, I mean, at least you got me a present.

I thought that Vic might've woke me up this morning and given me one, you know?

Well, that's disgusting!

ERIK "RETCHES" DRAMATICALLY

No, oh, Erik.

Urrrggh!

Right, you two. You're not going to ruin me birthday!

It's not going to happen.

I've baked my own cake, I've bought a present for myself

and I'm going to open it in peace here in the kitchen.

Go on, out you go. Go on. Go on.

WHISTLES AND SHOOS

Right, where did I hide that present?

Go away, cock face! Get in your coffin and die.

ERIK "LAUGHS"

Erik, Erik, it's not your dad. It's me, Vic.

-Oh, hey, Vic.

-Hi.

-You look great, man.

-Thanks.

Do you want to come in and bounce around for a bit?

Maybe shoot the shit?

Ooh, well, not really, no thanks, Erik, not today.

I don't really want to shoot any shits.

I just came to tell you

that your mam's coming over from Norway for Bob's birthday.

-The trawler woman?

-Yeah.

That's a terrible idea.

She's even worse than him.

If she asks about me, just tell her that I'm dead.

-Oh, come on, she can't be as bad as all that.

-Can't she?

ERIK WHIMPERS

VIC WHIMPERS

You don't know her, do you?

Right, where did I hide that present?

# Come, birthday, birthday #

There's my cake out,

now warmer... warmer...

-Red hot!

-CRACKLING BLAZE

I remember...

Yes!

Oh! Golden cymbals.

Protect me ear.

Birthday boy!

CRASHING DIN

MOURNFUL VIOLIN MUSIC

WASTE DISPOSAL GRINDS

-Nice coffin, that.

-Yeah, he'll look nice in that, won't he?

Is Erik Bob's only child?

Yeah. Oh, no! There was another one,

but he was one of them Benjamin Button types.

He's, like, born fully grown,

then four days later he just disappeared down the plughole.

Some people say he's still there,

all tangled up...

with the hairballs and the Vosene.

-Is this a lie?

-Yeah.

Go on, tell us about Erik's mam then.

Well... it was in Norway.

-It was in the '90s.

-Nice and hot then.

That was the decade - the '90s.

It was a cold, dark winter's night.

THUNDERCLAPS

Bob was driving around Norway in a covered carriage

displaying a creature that he'd captured in the Congo.

He pulled up at the side of the road

to let the creature out for a piss.

He drove it out using his special whip.

THUNDERCLAPS

The creature came out of the covered carriage

and was startled by the brightness of the harvest moon.

Nyuuuurrrrhhhhh...

..it cried.

And he whipped it again with his special whip.

Shut up!

Shout yer mouth, will you?

He tethered the creature to a really strong nail,

then Bob sat down to have his evening meal of a mint Aero,

and as the first bubble hit his palate,

he heard the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard in his life.

# Ohhhhhh... Ohhhhhh... Ohhhhh...

-Yes?

-Is this a lie?

Yeah.

He was just driving around selling air conditioning units.

Here he comes now walking towards us

-with a look on his face that doesn't suggest love.

-Huh.

All right? I was just telling Bosh about how you met Erik's mother.

Erik's mum? Oh, don't mention her. Especially not on me birthday.

She's a psychopath!

She had this boathook that she used to attack me with.

What are you laughing at? It ain't funny!

-What? I don't...

-It's quite funny.

And I remember once, she made me dress up in an elephant costume,

balance a pork pie on the end of me trunk,

and parade around in front of all the other trawlermen in the market.

MANLY GUFFAWING

I sometimes think, you know, if she ever tracked me down -

I'd just get ahead of it and just like slit me throat...

sllllttt...sssshhhh!

Or take out me gastric band, you know...

oourrfff - bing!

-Boing...boing...

-Boinnnng.

# I had a dream

# I was a machine

# 30 years in the future

# I hovered a bit

# Occasionally shit...

# ..nuts and bolts and metal sulta...

# ..naaaaaaas! #

-All right, Beef?

-Somebody ill?

No, Erik got it for me. Hey, I like your watch!

It's a spray watch.

I got it off a gypsy lover of mine.

-Must be special.

-It is.

If you press this button, it's weedkiller.

That button - antihistamine.

HE SNIFFS NOISILY

No, sorry, THAT button antihistamine, that one weedkiller.

-Beef... Do you know it's me birthday today?

-I do.

-I have a present for you.

-Present for me!

-Yeah, what is it?

-It's an advert I made in Africa in 1972.

Would you like to watch it?

What, a VHS of you poncing around in Africa in 1972?

No, I don't, actually.

-I'll have a look.

-I want to see it.

-Oh, go on, then.

Put it on.

-Here it comes.

-Right, you lot, I'm going up to have me birthday bath.

Keep it quiet, yeah?

-When did you film this?

-'72.

I say, I'm going upstairs to have me birthday bath.

Keep it nice and quiet, yeah?

There it is, look...

CHEESY MUSIC

What the hell is that washing-up liquid you're using, darling?

-Just a cheap one I got on special offer.

-You idiot!

That won't shift that ground-in mutton.

Use this, you stupid cow.

Lord Shiftits scouring pad gets to the heart of the mutton.

-I know, darling. I'm intolerable.

-Yes, you are. Don't be a moron!

Use Lord Shiftits scouring pads.

It gets...

That was brilliant.

-How much did you get paid for doing that?

-Not a penny.

-I was paid in lambada lessons. Ooh! And mescaline.

-Oh, nice.

The party starts in half an hour.

You go off and get your clobber on, and don't forget the booze.

Yeah, but what about the food?

-There's a pig upstairs in the bathroom.

-Is there?

-Yeah.

But promise me this. When you're done with it, can I ride it?

Yeah, I'll have it all saddled up and ready for you when you come back.

-Oh, God!

-Excuse me, what is that in the bath?

-Right, I'm off.

-It's a pig.

-Yes, but what's it doing in me bath?

-How should I know what it's doing?

-I'm not psychic.

-Oh! It's my pig. What about it, you twat?

-No, no, it's

-all right. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. Forget about the pig.

Forget about it. All right.

I'll make sure you get the best birthday bath

a man could ever wish for.

LAUGHTER

-So how's it going then, son?

-It's great.

-It might be me best birthday bath ever. Thank you.

-Thank you, yeah.

-Is the water all right, warm enough?

-Yeah, I reckon. Try yourself.

HE LAUGHS

-A-diddle-iddle-iddle.

-Ooh, cheeky!

Hey, how about some nice aromatherapy oil?

-Oh, yeah, go on.

-Yeah?

-For me birthday?

-Here we are, look. Yeah, look here.

Mmm, that's nice, isn't it? Ooh.

Oh, you can tell it's expensive stuff, Vic.

-Yeah, I got it in the Town Centre.

-Ooh, Town Centre?

It will have cost a fortune.

Yeah, not like that cheap stuff you get on the outskirts.

-No, this feels good.

-And some aromatic bay leaves, eh?

Ooh, put 'em in. I hope they don't make me too sentimental.

-A-diddle-iddle-iddle.

-Hey! You are cheeky today!

I'm really enjoying it.

Oh, that'll be Julie. Look, you enjoy your lovely birthday soak.

-Thanks, Vic, thank you.

-Go on, birthday boy. Here have an apple.

Cheers. Looking after me. Mmm.

-Hello.

-Hello, Julie.

Oh, I see you've got a pig in the pot. How delish!

-Yes, now, Julie, what can I do for you?

-Well now, Vic.

I don't know whether this is a very good time, but you see,

-I've got something to tell you.

-Mmm?

-I'm pregnant.

-Ooh.

-And it's yours.

-No, I don't think so.

-Yes.

-No, no.

-Yes.

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Yes.

-No, it isn't. It isn't. It can't be.

Silly Billy Bremner, of course I'm not pregnant. Look!

HE FORCES LAUGHTER

No, I'm not ready for that sort of commitment.

-I don't want him.

-Ooh!

Be careful, hold him properly! You'll break his bloody neck!

-This is Erika, Bob's ex.

-Where is he?

Look. Julie, we've got a bit of a problem.

-I'll explain everything round at your house.

-Right, good.

-Come on, Erika, we're going to get some booze for baby.

-Peace at last.

-Ah, it's good. Ah, yes.

-Right, where is he?

Right, well, first of all, hello, Erika. Lovely to meet you.

Bob's told me all about, you know,

how you used to be the love of his life.

Where is he?

And how he liked to dress up like an elephant

and parade around in front of you.

Oh, this is getting hot.

Vic! Vic, I can't turn it off! Vic! Erik! Erik!

Vic! Vic! I'm swelling up here! Vic! Vic!

Look now, Erika, I know you've come a long way from Norway,

but there's been a bit of a change of plan.

-Oh, a change of plan, what fun.

-Hmm. Something's happened.

-Something's definitely happened.

-Well, spit it out.

It's not as if he's dead, is it?

Yes, that's it...he's dead, Bob's dead!

Dead?! How dare he? I'll kill him. That was my job.

He's dead, dead, dead. He's dead.

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

How did he die...so young-ish?

Oh, God! Oh, God, he's dead!

I can't believe...excuse me a minute.

HE TRUMPS

Dead! Dead! Dead!

It was awful.

It was terrible.

-Vic? Vic?

-Yes?

-Vic, you need to pull yourself together.

-I can't.

Come on there, that's better, isn't it?

-That's woken you up.

-Thank you, Julie.

OK, that's all right. Now calm down.

Look, Julie, listen.

Bob's not really dead. Look, we're just pretending.

WHISPERS

Ooh! Oh, that's very clever.

It's gripped me. I'm poaching. Vic, oh!

-So, you say he's dead?

-Yes.

This all seems very, very convenient,

so, tell me, how did he die exactly?

-It was a Saturday...

-Mmm-hmm?

..it was all The Saturdays. It was all of 'em, the bitches.

GUN SHOTS

EXPLOSIONS

I would very much like to see his cadaver

and put my pfan-nig on his eye.

-I beg your pardon? You want to put what on his eye?

-Pfennig.

It's a German coin to give safe passage to the afterlife.

Where does he lay?

He's next door...in his coffin.

In his coffin, and he'll be ready for viewing in about ten minutes.

Ah-ha, yeah.

So you poor woman, you must be very, very, very, very, very, very

upset about Bob's death?

Very!

-I wanted to do it myself.

-Aaah!

Ooh, there's a metal turtle in the kitchen, Bob!

-Where's the turtle spray?

-It's me, you moron.

I've swollen up and got trapped in the vice-like grip of this tub.

Right, hang on.

Ah, shit, a metal turtle!

-Hold on, I'll get the spray.

-Bosh, it's all right, it's Bob.

He's swollen up and bloated and trapped inside this galvanised tub.

Can you do something please? I've got a bay leaf stuck in me crack.

There's a bailiff in his arse?

You need to lift me up and shake me out. Come on.

We need to lift him up and shake him out. Quick, all of us.

Lift him up and shake him out.

BANGING

Arh!

We need a run-up, come on.

Come on.

Arrgh!

Ooh!

BOTH: Scuttle, scuttle, scamper, scamper, up the wall he goes.

Over the arch, where will he rest? Nobody really knows.

Quick, get the thunder bottle, he's starting to metamorphosise.

CHOKING NOISES

-GUN SHOT

-Ah! Hey!

Yay!

Terraced housing! Thank you, lads.

No problem at all, you twat.

-I nearly metamorphosised then.

-Yeah, I know. It was really good.

Thanks, though.

-Bob, I've done something terrible.

-Really?

I've invited Erik's mum over and she's here.

You've done what? She'll kill me, Vic, you undiluted arsehole!

Oh, come on, I'm not an arsehole.

I mean, would an arsehole be able to do this?

I guess not.

But it's all right, I told her you were dead.

Yeah, well I will be if she sees me.

She hasn't got that boathook with her, has she?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well look, Bob. We can pull this off.

You get into that coffin that Erik gave you, pretend to be dead.

When she comes round and has a look,

she'll think you're dead and clear off

and be out of your life forever,

it's the best scenario that could happen.

-Do you know, I like it. Let's do it.

-Yeah!

Right, away, son, into the coffin,

there you go, you've done this before.

Right, now then, I've gotta warn you, when she comes round,

she wants to put her pfan-nig on your eye.

-She wants to put what on me eye?

-Pfennig.

-It's a German coin for good luck or something.

-Oh, right.

-Right, what's going on?

-Bob's dead.

OK. Do you want a cup of tea?

No, hold on, if Bob's dead, can I have his room?

-No, you can't, Bosh.

-Ow!

Behave yourself, will you? I'm just pretending to be dead.

LAUGHTER

I'm just pretending to be dead, yeah?

Erik's mum's coming round,

and if she finds me here alive she'll kill me anyway. Now behave!

Look, here they are now.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, thank you and good night.

Oh, hello.

Bosh, this is Erik's mam, Erika.

Good day, you twat.

LAUGHTER

So, ladies, if you'd like to gather around, here's the lad,

and as you can see, he's as dead as a doughnut.

She's killed him.

SPITS

Oh, sweetheart...my old shipmate.

You poor, poor, poor man. What a shame.

You poor, poor, poor, POOR, POOR man.

Goodbye and good riddance.

Hm-mm, well, thank you, Erika for those kind words.

Now I think it's probably appropriate for us to tell

and share some our favourite memories of Bob. Bosh?

No, there's nothing.

There must be something... something he said or did.

No, there's nothing like that at all.

Julie?

Erm...

No.

-Nothing?

-No, nothing.

What about you, Vic?

Well, I do remember him once saying he wanted to do a forward roll

but he never got around to it...

Oh, I've remembered something.

I remember this morning he said he was going to have a bath.

Typical Bob. Typical Bob, always saying he's going to have a bath.

-It's just like Bob.

-Lovely memories.

Right, well, Erika, I expect you've got a submarine to catch,

so you'd better get ahead of the traffic.

-Goodbye, off you go. Come on.

-Here's the booze.

What's this nonsense?

Bob's dead.

What, of a...s-stroke?

LAUGHTER

No! Dead? But he was only having a bath this...

what am I going to do without him?

Bob! My life's not worth living. Who the hell are you? You're beautiful.

The most beautiful woman I've seen outside of Africa.

LAUGHTER

-You want to make love and drink some booze?

-No, Beef.

-Erika's got a submarine to catch.

-I'm not in a rush.

Let's have a proper trawlerman's sendoff. Give me that bottle.

Ooh, yes!

Erika, you don't want to miss the tide.

Father...I'm sorry I always treated you so badly.

It was just my way of showing how much I loved you.

He's gone, he's gone. I will learn how to face it. He's gone.

I'd pay the devil to replace him.

He's gone.

What went wrong?

Bye-bye, father. I'm going to miss you.

SOBS

Urgh!

# 15 Nails in a dead man's chest.

# Yo-ho, the bastard's dead.

# And push him overboard and feed him to the fish.

# Yo-ho, the bastard's dead. #

Hooray!

Just get rid of her.

Bob, Bob, oh, it's a brilliant party in there. She's hilarious.

Look, look, I've brought you a bit of the icing from your birthday cake.

It's a B. Might be for Bob or birthday, I don't know.

Yeah, or "bastard" like in your little song.

-Yeah, it might be.

-Get rid of her.

Oh, do you know what? It's a bit boring out here.

I've gotta get back to the party if you don't mind.

-I don't want to miss anything.

-Just get rid.

# Did you hear the tale of the terrible man?

# The terrible, terrible, terrible man.

# He wiped his arse with a frying pan.

# Terrible, terrible, terrible man. #

Yes! Yes!

Hey Erika, Erika, tell us another one of your filthy jokes

about the Norwegian police force.

Ah well, in a minute.

Yay, ooh!

-Just going for a wee.

-Now I'm interested.

I know you're alive...

..and I'll be back in a minute...to finish you off.

Ha, ha, ha.

Aah! Whoa!

What's the f's happened here, like?

She's fallen down the f-ing stairs.

-Did you push her?

-No, she fell down the f-ing stairs.

Did you shoot her?

Look Vic, I don't care how far you lean over,

she fell down the f-ing stairs.

What the hell's happened here?

She fell down the f-ing stairs.

-Whoa, vampire, zombie.

-Oof!

Will you calm down?

I was just pretending to be dead so that she wouldn't kill me.

Did you bludgeon her? Mmm?

-No, she fell down the f-ing stairs.

-Mmm?

Now look, I don't care how far you all lean over,

I'm telling you the truth.

All right, stand aside, I'm a paraplegic...

LAUGHTER

..I'll check for a pulse.

Beef, mate, I'm not sure that's the traditional way of checking for a pulse.

You might want to try the neck, mate?

All right. Stand aside.

Back you go. Further still.

That's sufficient.

I shall administer the kiss of life.

Mmm...

Mmmm.

Mmm, Christ. Yes, please, mmm.

Mmm, just what I want.

Mmm, mmm, oh, God, mmm, mmm, mmm.

She'd dead.

LAUGHTER

How do reckon we should get rid of her?

Let's chop her up and stick her behind a sports centre.

-Why don't we dry her out and smoke her?

-Yes.

I can take her back to my place. She's still warm.

LAUGHTER

Martin? What do you think?

"Phone the relevant authorities and tell them everything?"

Oh, where's the fun in that, Martin, you coconut?

Look...seriously.

She's a trawler woman,

we should give her the sendoff that she deserves.

KETTLE'S WHISTLE SOUNDS LIKE A BOSUN'S WHISTLE

Thank you, Bosh. Right, so that was me birthday then, yeah?

No presents, apart from the coffin that Erik got me.

No party, apart from the one you lot had when I was dead.

And I bet one of you had a cack in the microwave, didn't you,

whilst you did it?

Yeah, thought so.

Yeah, go on, get out I'm going to enjoy what's left of me birthday on me own. Get out.

THEY MUMBLE AND GRUMBLE

-Go on, Bosh.

-Yeah, all right.

I'm going to enjoy what's left of me birthday

watching Hugh Laurie play the character, House.

LAUGHTER

Hi, Hugh.

Hugh, I bet you get brilliant birthdays, don't you?

Yeah, I bet your mates dress in Caribbean outfits

and reggae music, table tennis.

Probably get a tricycle as well I imagine, eh Hugh? Probably.

# Did you hear the tale of a terrible man?

# Terrible, terrible, terrible man

# Wiped his arse on a frying pan #

Oh, I've had enough of this!

# Terrible, terrible, terrible man #

# Terrible, terrible, terrible...#

Right, you pack of bast...!

Vic? Julie?

ALL: SURPRISE!

Way! Whoo! You twat!

A tricycle! Yes! But where's Vic?

It's my favourite character, Reggae Ron, the school worker.

SINGS REGGAE SONG

This has been my best birthday ever!

# Didn't we have a lovely day

# A death, a birth and a burial

# So what happens next?

# Let's do a jig

# And present and Bob with his birthday wig. #

-What do you think?

-Not bad.

-Racist.

-Futuristic.

SINGING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE