The Wig Affair House of Fools

JAUNTY THEME MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEECH

# Today's the day with my toupee I go to the award show

# It's Wig Wearer of the Year, a night alone without the moron.

LAUGHTER

# Can't wait for tonight

# Oh what a delight

# To see Bob's trophy in his hands

# I'll be so proud sat in the crowd

# Drunk as a lord without me pants on. #

LAUGHTER

Oh, just you and me on a night out together.

Hey, who should we thank if I win?

What, Vic? No, I'm not thanking that arsehole!

HE LAUGHS

Who you talking to - is it wiggy,

that little fella who lives on your head?

You just leave him alone. Today I don't want you sweating near him,

I don't want you slavering on him,

I don't want you creating breezes near him,

I need him completely unflustered for the evening's award show.

Bob, that wig will remain safe and undisturbed

unless something untoward happens, which I'm sure it won't.

LAUGHTER

That's really very reassuring.

Now, Bob, did you get me curly cheesy puffs?

Uh... Uh.

Did you get me curly cheese puffs?

-Did you get them, did you get them?

-Yeah!

Yes, yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Oh, no, sorry, I forgot.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Dryness, dehydrated, need water.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Cool, refreshing Scottish water.

Course I got them, there you are, I was just kidding,

just kidney beans, just kindling, that kind of thing.

There you go.

What's the matter?

These are straight ones, I asked for curly ones.

Well, they're just taste the same, won't they?

No, they won't, you eat with your eyes, man,

what's the matter with you?

IMMITATES GUNSHOT

Whoa! come here.

There you are, freshly curled.

LAUGHTER

Well?

No, it's not the same, I can still taste the straightness.

Go and get me a curly one.

No, I won't - I'm not your slave. I'm sorry about the lack of curl

but, look, today's the day of me award ceremony,

can't we just create a nice, pleasant atmosphere?

-HE GROWLS

-Go on, why don't you show me

what you've been doing on your little computer?

All right then.

Actually I've been up all night working on Photoshop,

-do you know what I mean?

-Sorry?

Working on Photoshop.

Yeah, I got that what was the little flourish afterwards though?

Working on Photoshop... (SLURRING) D'yknow what I mean?

It's, like, cool for, "Do you know what I mean?"

Oh, right. "D'yknow what I mean?

Yeah, I get you.

Yeah, no, I know the Photoshop.

It's not the Photoshop,

it's just Photoshop,

-just Photoshop, you idiot.

-Idiot?

-Oh, yeah.

-If I was an idiot would I be able to do this?

-LAUGHTER

-Eh?

What?

Eh? Oh, well, you'll never know.

Come on, what have you been doing?

Well...

Bob have you ever wondered what Richard Branson, Sir Richard Branson,

might look like if he didn't have a beard?

Yeah, all the time, sometimes every minute of every day.

Yeah, I think most people,

most people have wondered that at some point in their lives.

-Yeah, definitely, definitely.

-Have a look at this.

LAUGHTER

I don't even know who that is, Vic, I don't recognise him at all.

It's Richard Branson, Sir Richard Branson.

-Really?

-But wait a minute - look.

Wow, he's back, it's Richard. Sir Richard.

Sir Richard's back now, so he can design more hot air balloons.

Yeah. Do you know, you've done really well, Vic.

-Thank you.

-Done really, really well.

Bob, can I ask you something?

-I don't know, can you?

-Yeah.

Do you know it's the Wig Wearer of the Year Awards tonight?

Yeah, and if I win it will be three years on the trot

and I get to keep the wig.

Yeah, so no more rentals on it?

No, it's mine to keep.

I was wondering... I'd really like to go to something like that,

can I go with you?

No, no, no, no, no, you're not going, Vic.

Do you not remember last year with Bruce Forsyth?

AS FORSYTH: A goo-goo-goo-good evening, ladies and gentlemen and children,

welcome to the Wig Wearer of the Year Award.

BIRD SQUAWKS

Fly free, my beauty, fly!

SQUAWKING

BRUCE STAMMERS

Give it to me.

FARTS NOISILY

LOUD BANG

LOUD BANG

Yeah, well, but that wasn't nothing to do with me that was Kes's fault.

But look, Vic, if you're at a loss for something to do tonight

why don't you wash your bed sheets for once instead of just

leaning them up against the wall every morning?

How am I supposed to wash them, we haven't got a river near by?

A river? We don't live in Wales.

How did you wash them last time?

I just walked them through that car wash over there.

But that car wash over there, yeah, that shut in 1982 -

is that the last time you washed them?

Yeah, so I can't go there again, can I?

-Oi, this way, come here, come here, you.

-All right, Bosh?

Never mind all that, you twat, I need you to do something for me.

Here, look after that.

All right. Bosh, Bosh, hold on a minute, first off, what is it?

It's, you know, it's one of them sort of pump me up

-energy drinks, isn't it, you know?

-Bosh, Bosh.

-What?

What, so it's just like for body builders - that sort of thing?

-Body building juice, exactly right.

-Bosh?

-What?

-Come here, are you moving out today?

-No, I am not moving out, Bob.

-Why not?

-I'll tell you why not,

because I have very rapidly

fallen madly

in love with you.

LAUGHTER

That's the first of many, you twat.

LAUGHTER

Be careful with that.

All right, Vic.

-Yeah, where you going, son?

-I'm going to go to the toilet.

Enjoy yourself, kid.

Hey, Vic, did you hear that?

-This is like body builder's liquid, you know?

-Yeah.

You know, I wouldn't mind being all buffed up for tonight's award show.

-Me too.

-Yeah, but you're not coming, are you?

What part of your body are you most looking forward to getting buffed up?

I've got to say the top half because the bottom half,

I've got to be honest, is pretty buffed up already to be honest.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, here, check it out, go on.

Whoa, that's good and thick that, isn't it?

You can't actually get your hand round it, can you?

It's rock hard as well.

Yeah, it's quite short.

Yeah, it's quite short but it will be good for football that.

Ugh! Ugh!

Ugh!

Hey, Vic, I wonder if it's kicked in already yet?

We need to lift something, have you got anything heavy?

I've got a Metallica album but it doesn't weigh much.

LAUGHTER

-What was that?

-It was a joke.

Oh, right, it didn't land, though, yeah?

We need to lift something that's really heavy, that lamp's heavy,

we've never been able to lift that, have we? Go on, give it a go.

HE STRAINS

Go on.

STRAINS LOUDLY

No, that makes... It's a very heavy lamp, isn't it?

It's too heavy that, son.

Yeah, what's happened to my toupee?

Where's my toupee gone, Vic?

Where's my... where's my...?

Where's my toupee gone, Vic?

Bob, Bob, you know that old, arthritic rat thing

that hangs around here sometimes?

Yeah, what's that got to do with it?

It's walking off with your wig down there.

Well, catch it, Vic!

RAT THING SQUEAKS

Well, grab it for me, Vic.

It's your wig, you get it.

No, I'm scared of it, you know, I'm just a little boy really.

Will you just grab it for me?

Keep your hair on.

LAUGHTER

Please, just grab it for us, Vic.

I'm going as fast as I can for someone who hasn't got

a ticket for the Wig Wearer of the Year awards.

Oh, just grab it, Vic, please.

It's so old it's developed a forcefield round it.

BUZZING

Well, penetrate it, Vic.

I'd feel a lot braver if I had a ticket for tonight.

You're not going. Get it!

Bob, Bob, no, it really has gone, it's gone underneath the cooker.

BOB GROWLS AND SNARLS

Bob you're all pumped up, harness the power.

-IN A DEEP VOICE:

-Get out of my way!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

VIC SNARLS

The prophecy has been fulfilled.

You cheeky monkey.

You silly sausage.

You silly billy.

You daft apeth.

Oh, you idiot.

-Oh, yes!

-Yes.

If I was an idiot would I be able to do this?

HE YELPS

LAUGHTER

MUSIC BOX PLAYS DELICATE TUNE

THEY GROWL AND SNARL

-Charity.

-Sweet charity.

Sentimental.

Gay abandon.

GROWLING

ROARING

Ro-o-o-aaahh!

MICROWAVE BEEPS

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Boom!

I know!

Why?

THEY ROAR

Dance!

CHEESY ELECTRONICA

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BOB GRUNTS

Oh, no. No, it's worn off.

Aaaaaagh!

Oh! There's goes my toupee, get after it before we lose the power!

ECHOING ROAR: Yes, master!

Oh... For goodness' sake.

LAUGHTER

ANIMAL SQUEAKS

It's gone into Julie's flat.

Oh, not Julie's. Here, get out the way.

FUNKY MUSIC

# Here is my pan

# And you must understand

# I was told it was made of iron

# When I got home

# And heated my stove

# It melted cos it's made from plastic! #

LAUGHTER

What a fool I've been with the purchase of this frying pan.

I tell you this, if ever you need a frying pan, go to a regular

store and not Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shit House.

LAUGHTER

I like your boots, Beef.

Yes, they're Canadian, made from a wolf's penis.

LAUGHTER

Did you get them in Canada?

No, I got them in Hartlepool.

LAUGHTER

They ARE Canadian. Let me show you. If you twist the heel,

inside there's a small bottle of maple syrup for pancakes, which was

what I was trying to cook in Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shit House frying pan.

Transpires it's about as much use as a...

Plastic frying pan.

Was that a joke?

LAUGHTER

What's that little saucepot doing?

ANIMAL SQUEAKS

Beef, Beef. You know that little rat thing, that little rat beaver thing

that's round these parts? Yeah, it's nicked me toupee

and taken it into Julie's house,

and without it I can't go to the award show, it's a disaster.

-What, that little rat beaver thing?

-Yeah.

Well, hasn't that been in this building

-since our forefathers were here in the 1970s?

-Mm.

-Mm.

TINKLING MELODY

Cor blimey!

I hate being a bus conductor.

Yeah, I know you do, Dickie. Hey, one of those coloured gentlemen's

moved in next door. Cor! He ain't half tall.

And fat! I don't know how he squeezes into that little

Hillman Imp of his.

Oh, hello, Harper.

Cor blimey! I only just got an eye full of that bit of crumpet next

door, and she's only moved in with a coloured fellow. He ain't half tall.

BOTH: And fat!

I should say.

Here, Stan, that little rat weasel thing's making off,

rather slowly, I might add, with your caramel wafer.

LAUGHTER

Cor! That rat gerbil thing's been slowly stealing stuff

since our fathers lived here in the 1950s!

-Yeah.

-Yes.

'50s TV THEME MUSIC

VIC GRUNTS

VIC GRUNTS

Look here, darling, I'm sick and tired of working

at the Foreign Office. Do you think you might possibly have a word

with your father and see if you could secure me a position at the Treasury?

I'll see what I can do. Now, listen, that coloured gentleman's

still living next door, you know. He's very tall.

And fat.

I've simply no idea how he squeezes himself into that rather

-wonderful little Morris Oxford of his.

-Mm.

BEEF GRUNTS

Hello, darling.

Now listen here, you two. Transpires that fancy blouse

from next door's moved in with a coloured chap,

and he's a tall one.

BOTH: And fat.

Yes.

Now look here, that little rat beaver thing there is making off,

with a rather casual manner I might add, with my brisket,

I was going to have that for my tea.

ANIMAL SQUEAKS

Vic, would you go next door to Julie's and get it for me?

Well, I'm not going, why don't you go?

Because I'm disgusting.

Well, I'm not going, it's ten o'clock.

She'll have had her first sherry and she's at her randiest then.

-Beef, would you go?

-I'm not going.

-Why not?

-I've no idea where next door is.

I don't even know who you are.

I'll go if you give us a ticket for tonight.

Urgh! You get that wig back you can have a ticket, Vic.

Right, good.

Well, I'm having some of this first.

You know, it's not a bad idea. Oh, go easy.

Ooh! Ulrika.

-Good luck.

-Thanks.

Pancakes?

BOING!

Beef, how the hell did you do that?

You have to believe in yourself, Bob. Do you believe in yourself?

-Yes, I believe.

-Well, then, you will be fine.

-OK.

THUD

BOB GROANS

-What a fool.

-Ah!

Jesus!

ANIMAL SQUEAKS

Oh, hello, tiny little bear thing.

Long time no see! You've been around here for a long

while, since my mother lived here in the '70s.

TINKLING MELODY

Cor blimey!

SLIDE WHISTLE

I'll take a couple of those and a cup of tea!

Oh, I say! Ain't you a lively one and no mistake.

Why don't you come in for a bit of 'how's your father'?

BOING!

-Me husband's away.

-Who? The coloured fellow?

-Yeah. Tall, ain't he?

-And fat.

Oh!

BOUNCING THUD

Oh!

SHE GIGGLES MANIACALLY

Hey, where you going with my Imperial Leather?

ANIMAL SQUEAKS

Uh-bluh...Whoo! Julie, I was wondering, can I just quickly grab

that little beaver thing between your legs?

Abso-bloody-lutely.

Be my guest. Martin, do one.

No, that's not what I meant,

I meant, can I grab that little scruffy rat thing?

Call it whatever you like.

No, look, that rat bear thing, it's run off with Bob's wig.

Where's it gone? Where's it gone? Where is it?

He needs it for the Wig Wearer Awards. Where's it gone?

Where's it gone?

Vic, Vic, Vic, calm down. You're acting like an eight-year-old, OK?

When I was eight I was an Ice Road Trucker.

Oh, Vic, let's just get married.

No, thank you very much.

I will have to wear black though, I killed my last husband.

ECHOING ROAR

Ooh!

Come, on Vic, come on, Vic. You can do it.

Never mind that, what the hell is this brew?

Oh, that's Bosh's Pump Me Up energy drink, Beef. Drives you mental,

I wouldn't have any. Luckily I don't need it because I'm pretty trim,

especially down below. You can try it out if you want, give it a feel.

Oh, yes.

-Oh, that is quite firm.

-Thank you.

-I'd be very, very proud of that.

-Yes, I am, thanks very much.

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt this beautiful moment,

but I didn't know I was in Brokeback Mountain.

LAUGHTER

Well, at least now I know why they call you Beef.

Way-hay! Ha...

Ha. Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha...

HE RETCHES

Smashing, lovely, gorgeous.

HE ROARS

Vic! Hello!

DISTORTED VOICE: Where's the rat?

There! It's gone there!

You daft bastard!

Oh, I hope Vic gets that wig for the award show.

Awards, you say?

I won some awards for some films I made in Africa.

Oh, yeah? What sort of films were they?

Well, they were action, action and thrills,

all made under the blistering African sun.

Hey, would I know any of them?

Yes, I think you would. But would you?

I mean, I don't know, maybe,

I'm not your biographer. How the hell should I know?

All right, what were they called?

Well, there was Casabonker.

Morocco Cocko, where I played Colonel Hippobottomus.

Hold on a minute, did you just say you were in Casablanca

with Humphrey Bogart?

No, I said Casabonko with Humphrey Blow Hard and Lauren Back Scuttle.

LAUGHTER

-Maple syrup?

-Yes, please.

-Not my 'minge' vase!

-Afraid so!

Ahhhhhhh!

Friends! Friends. Young Christopher and Benji,

friends for ever until Benji died!

BONK!

There we are.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! It's horrible!

I know I am but what are you?

JULIE GASPS

Yeah, that's enough, thanks, Beef.

That's enough, thanks, Beef.

-Beef, that's enough!

-Yeah, I don't know how to stop it.

Help me! Help me!

It lives again, I can see it! It can only be destroyed with fire.

DISTORTED VOICE: Friends.

Sea monster!

Friends.

Ridge dweller.

Friends.

Professor Lightbulb.

JULIE SHRIEKS

Home.

These are not the droids that you're looking for.

-Oh, come on, let's just get the prats.

-Oh, what fun.

LAUGHTER

Right.

Let's find out who you really are, Professor Lightbulb,

or should I say...

..Vic?!

So, Vic was Professor Lightbulb the whole time?

Yes, and I would have got away with it if it wasn't for that caretaker.

Oh, Vic, is it really you?

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh, yes, it's him all right!

Right, I need to find that toupee and that rat thing.

Everyone into the kitchen, please.

Right, what do you know about this awful, slow, thieving rat thing?

I need to know its whereabouts, I need to know its acquaintances,

I even want to know how, when and why it shits.

Come on. Vic?

Sir, it's got your wig.

Yeah, that's a good one. Julie?

Could it be a tiny camel?

We'll put that on the back burner, Julie.

Vic.

Sir, criminals often return to the scene of the crime.

Have you checked to see if it's on your head?

I like the way you're thinking. No, not there.

Sir, have you cordoned off the area?

Yeah, have you combed the area for clues?

Oh, I see.

All right, Erik. Always a pleasure. What do you want?

Just came down to get my curly cheese puffs.

You did get them for me?

No, he got straight ones.

Nobody eats straight ones these days, do they?

Father, you know your problem?

-What?

-You're the type of scum who goes to buy a Curly Wurly

and comes back with a Straight Wurly.

Wahey!

-You're a tough cop, Vic.

-Yeah, thanks.

-You're going to crack this case, aren't you?

-Wide open.

I've got a good feeling about you.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Come on, you've had your fun.

Beef, hit me with something.

When I was in Morocco,

I employed a house boy

that used to catch rats in his arse cheeks.

Thank you for that, Beef.

Come on, Vic. What do rats like this actually do with their time?

I'm sorry, sir. I just don't know. I feel like I've let you down.

I'm just going to go and have some All Bran.

No, hang on, I've got to interrupt there. Shit, no.

When I said, "Catch rats in his arse cheeks",

I meant, "Crack walnuts".

Thank you for clearing that up, Beef.

Bosh, you've been very quiet.

What are you talking about, man?

I haven't shut up for the last half hour.

-You haven't said a word.

-Yeah, I know, you twat.

-So, come on? The rat.

-That rat has been here nicking stuff

since my dad moved into this place in the 1970s.

Here, Stan!

There's a new clippy started working down at the depot.

Cor, what a dolly bird!

I wouldn't mind taking her up the Balls Pond Road.

I know! I seen her dumplings in the canteen this morning.

Hey, you should set the booby trap for her.

Get out of it, you pilchard!

I'm free!

So, six months banged up for playing Dutch hopscotch

with a one-eyed sailor from Swansea.

Well, nobody told me the rules!

-Ooh!

-HE COUGHS

Is there something wrong with you?

Yes, I've caught a dose of something foreign from a Turkish pipe fitter.

Ha! You can't trust them.

Here, there's that rat thing again. It's got hold of your maracas.

Ooh!

But, Bosh, how do we find the rat?

Bosh takes moment to think.

I've got it!

You need to find the rat.

Oh, this is useless.

He keeps going on about some Moroccan boy

that cracks walnuts in his arse cheeks,

she thinks it's a tiny camel,

you've got nought on your mind but All Bran.

It's useless. How are we going to find this rat?

And I bet, I bet one of you has had a kak in one of these cupboards.

All of you, all of you. Come on, what are we going to do?

Sir, sir!

When I was under the influence of the pump-up juice,

I saw the rat via the gift of thermal imagery.

What? Do you mean you could see its underpants?

No, I could see it,

but just as a moving portion of hot meat.

Do you know what? I think Vic's cracked it.

So, do I get the ticket, sir?

Yeah, I get the wig, you get a ticket.

All we need to do...

..is get under the influence of the pump-me-up juice, yeah?

And then we can use the gift of thermal imagery to locate the rat.

That's right, get some of that down you.

-Let's go and find a stinking rat.

-Yeah!

THEY GROAN

THEIR VOICES BECOME DEEP / DEMONIC

That silly sod!

-Argh!

-What a nitwit!

Africa.

Oh, Saucy Jack!

The little twerp!

There it is. Get him!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

There it is! Get it!

Where is it?

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Hold on, stop! My wig! Stop it! Get up.

My wig, it's ruined! Look at it, it's ruined.

Oh...

Thank you.

Beef?

Well, that's it, then. No wig awards for me.

I haven't got a toupee. It's ruined.

Oh, it's OK, Bob.

Come on, I can mend it.

Did I tell you I did all of the hair and make up for the Vietnam war?

Yes, both sides. I wasn't particular.

"More rouge, Khmer Rouge?", I used to say,

and laughter would echo through the tunnels.

Shut up, just get out. Go on. All of you, get out.

Once again, all me dreams are shattered. Go on, out you go.

-There's another bit.

-I don't want it, get out.

Go on! Out!

Right, well...

..there's no fancy award ceremony for me, then.

I wonder who will win now I'm not going.

Rod Stewart, I suppose.

Maybe Zoe Ball.

God, she doesn't half look like her dad when she takes her wig off.

Still, it's not going to be me.

Bob! Don't do it!

-I think we've got a solution.

-Really?

And the nominations are...

Ron Caramel,

Nick Nolte,

Andrew Castle,

Bob Mortimer.

And it gives me great pleasure to announce that the

Wig Wearer of the Year award goes to...

..Mr Bob Mortimer!

God.

# Oh, didn't we have a lovely day?

# The day I lost my toupee

-# Let's fill our cups

-With this pump-up stuff

# And dance around this Michael Buble... #

Ha! Let's do this!

THEY HUM TUNE

THEY HUM TUNE

Thank you!

Thank you!