The Probation Affair House of Fools

# Today's the day I decorate with paper I got off the eBay

# It's a surprise for Bob So I've done a good job

# I think he'll be over the moon with it

# Look what he did The useless prick

# He's covered my home with horses

# I wish that he would leave well alone

# And stop destroying my beautiful HOME! #

So, Bob, what do you think?

What do I think? It's awful!

It's like seeing your mum in a codpiece. What's the scenario here?

Horses. Beautiful horses. Some of them galloping.

Some of them...not so galloping.

That one there's more like a kangaroo.

Kangaroo?! That's Billy Bongo.

He won the Grand National in 1927 and 1978. Billy Bongo!

I remember Billy Bongo.

Whatever happened to Billy?

Well, he got eaten by the IRA. Oh.

And what about this fella here? This one, it's too long.

It's like a German sausage dog.

Well, you're right about the German,

because it's a German tandem horse for two people, you know,

for lovers or friends, you know.

It's a German honeymoon horse. Oh, right.

Bob, did I ever tell you I was a horse whistler?

I think you mean horse whisperer.

No, horse whistler.

I used to whistle... VIC WHISTLES

Whoops. ..and the horses would come. Very useful at the stud farm.

Of course, yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what, Vic, I'm gonna live with it,

well, up to half an hour or so, and then you can rip it down

and we'll have it burnt in the brazier at a gypsy encampment.

Well, charming(!)

# Have a look I'm all dressed up

# Today I'm meeting a lady

# I have to admit I'm feeling shit

# I was up till half four drinking lager. #

Here, I like your new wallpaper.

That's German honeymoon horses, innit? Yeah.

Apparently. Billy Bongo there.

Some of them galloping. Some of them not so galloping.

See, he's not ignorant. Yeah. So, Bosh, you moving out today? No.

Why would I, you twat? Whoa!

Well, firstly, because it's not your house

and also, I've never actually invited you to live here, have I?

You're still ill, aren't you? Am I?

Yeah, you're still ill, you know, whooping cough.

Oh, yeah, whooping cough. BOSH COUGHS

Whoo-hoo. HE COUGHS

Whoo-hoo. So, Bosh, what's with the fancy clobber? Top half anyway like.

Well, I've got me probation officer coming round to check on us, like.

Now, I've told her that I've got a steady job

and that Julie next door is my fiance.

Oh, yes, and I've also told her that I own this place.

Hey, hey, hey, no way. Never. Not gonna happen. No way.

This is not barnacle country.

Oh, yes, I think it is. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes, it will.

Oh, Bosh! Hold on, Bosh! Your breath stinks!

Does it? Oh, man!

It stinks of booze and...flies.

Well, I've been having a party, haven't I?

You can't see your probation officer

stinking of booze and flies. Here, hang on.

Try a bit of this. What is it?

BUBBLING

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Cheeky chicken.

Well, how about that?

It repels chickens as well.

And if I was you, Bosh, I'd put some trousers on.

Your probation office might not be as free-thinking as me.

You know what I mean, like? Bosh. Some trousers. Some trousers on.

Bosh makes tentative step towards trouser collection.

Well done, Bosh. Well done.

Can you believe that? Him wanting to say that this is his house?

I can't believe it. Isn't it extraordinary?

It is extraordinary. I can't believe it. Hey, Bob, Bob.

Yeah? Forgot to tell you.

This wallpaper also repels flies. Yeah? How come?

Well, I put up these rolls here with

a mixture of fly spray and hair gel.

Oh, get you!

And it'll also keep all the wasps away as well.

Yeah, but we don't actually get wasps in here, do we, Vic?

Hmm, well, you will now, because I've put this roll up here with marmalade.

Thick cut, that's why it's a bit lumpier than the others.

Do you know what you are, Vic? What?

You're an idiot. A what? Yeah, you're an idiot.

I'm an idiot, am I? You're an idiot, yeah. I'm an idiot. An idiot.

Would an idiot be able to do this?

Eh? It's beautiful, it's beautiful, yeah.

Now who's the idiot?

Aye, so I'm an idiot, yeah. Yeah.

# Wanna make love tonight

# I wanna make love all right

# I wanna make love to... #

Horses.

Some galloping. Some not so galloping. Yes.

Famously ridden through the streets of Coventry by Lady Godiva naked.

I said NEIGH-ked. You know what I mean?

Beef, I like your belt!

It's yellow. The most yellow of all my yellow belts.

As yellow as a buttercup. Like the buttercup,

I can use this to test whether you like yellow belts.

Come closer.

Closer still.

Closer still. Oh, right, oh right. OK.

That's it, down we go. OK.

Yes. Yeah.

That's it. You there. Come here.

Test whether he likes yellow belts.

Can you get in there? Yeah. Ooh. Yes.

Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!

So, Vic, do I like yellow belts, can you see? Yeah.

Yes, I do. Yes, you do. Well, that makes sense

because I said I liked his belt. Can I have me wig back, please?

I've no idea what you're talking about. Excuse me?

I said I've no idea what you're talking about.

Vic, just give us me wig back.

It's down there. Look, it's trying to escape again.

Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah? Yeah?

Oh, you're laughing, are you?

Hello, everybody. I like the new wallpaper.

German honeymoon horses.

Yeah. Come and have a look. Yeah, I'll come and have a look.

No, wait there. Just the cool guys.

You like it?

That's fucking genius.

Uh-huh. Some of 'em galloping.

And some of them not so galloping.

This is why I like you so much, Vic. You keep on surprising me.

Erik, I've got some wallpaper I could put up in your room for you.

It's got like aircraft on it and robots.

Aircraft? Do I look like I'm five years old?

"I'm in an aircraft.

"I should probably land so my mum can change my diaper."

Need to learn when to shut up, we were having a moment. Oh.

Yeah, Erik, I'll see you later on at dusk.

We'll have a Ribena together or something.

You crazy, Vic.

So, what was it you came round for, Beef?

I'm storing some things for Bosh. Is he around? Is he?

I don't know. I'll have a look if he's upstairs.

Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

BOTH: Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

ALL: Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

He's up there. He's probably got his head submerged.

What, he's having a bath? No, he'll be looking at his tropical fish.

So, what did you come round for, Beef?

All right. Just hiding some things for him until the heat dies down.

Anyway, are there any women in the flat? I'm feeling incredibly randy.

No, of course not, Beef. I'll be off then.

I shall sit on my dishwasher until the feeling passes. All the best.

Yeah. Bye, Beef. Bye, Beef.

She's nearly here. So here's the plan - you two get lost. One of you

go and get Julie and one of you come back pretending to be me boss.

No, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it, Bosh.

I'll have no part to play in it.

Sorry, I'm not doing it.

Well, in that case, I have no alternative than to

play my trump card

and send these exotic photographs of you to the national press.

Exotic photo? What exotic photos?!

Ah-ha! The John McCririck ones.

Ssh... I thought I told you to get rid of them.

Yeah, well, no. I sent them to Bosh when he was in prison.

I thought it might cheer him up. And they did, Vic, they did.

Have you still got them? Yeah, have a look at those.

THEY LAUGH

Ooh, what's that you and John are sitting on?

You're riding around on, is it a St Bernard?

Yes. What's that on your head? It's a Christmas pudding.

VIC LAUGHS Oh, that's a nice one, you've

got your arms around John's waist.

Is that a rolling pin you're holding there?

Here. There! Ha-ha! All gone.

That won't destroy the negatives, mate.

Oh, ssh... I should've killed you when I had the chance.

KNOCK ON DOOR Right, she's here.

Go on, get out. Get out. One of you go and get Julie

and one of you come back pretending to be me boss.

Go on. Scram, scram, scram.

Oh, hello. Do come in, Fiona, and make yourself at home, you twat.

So, this is your new home?

I like your German honeymoon horses. Some of them galloping.

Some of them not so galloping. HE BLUSTERS

But where have my manners... They have abandoned me.

Please, sit yourself down there, my sweet, sweet darling.

Now, can I get you a lager,

a cigarette or perhaps a chicken nugget?

Thank you. I'm fine.

So, how have things been going since your release, Mr er...Bush?

Bosh. Not Bush?

Nutbush City Limits. Whatever you like.

Do carry on, your worship.

You clamber up through that window and be quiet.

Right, go on. Give us hoggle up. Eh? Cup your hands.

No, down there. Come on. Oh, I know what you mean, like on the telly.

Yeah. On the telly. Ooh! Is that... You've got it?

It's quite refreshing, but no, it's not right. OK, I'll decouple.

I know. Here...

on there, on the waistband there, get it in there.

You've got purchase? Yeah. Oh.

Up you go. Come on.

Hang on, it's quite hard. Oh, thanks very much. Oh!

Ah!

Shush!

TAMBOURINE RATTLES AND HORN HONKS

Sorry, what is going on in there?

Oh, that will be my maid. She's continental, don't you know?

Excuse me one moment while I go and chide her.

Oi! Shut up in there, you daft cow, before I come in there and bite you!

I'm so sorry about that, madam. Now, where were we?

(That's your fault that! Shush!) (It's your fault.)

Look what you've done now!

GARBAGE DISPOSAL RUMBLES

Ssh!

Turn it off at the fuse board!

Yeah, no problem.

Get in the fuse board in there. Turn it off.

RADIO PLAYS

So, this is your house? And does your maid live here?

Yes. Pardon me, madam.

I'm so sorry about all this infernal noise.

What must you think of me? Not much I'm sure.

Excuse me whilst I go and rap the bloody servant.

Oi! Oh, aye! Something's happening. Ooh!

Go and get Julie, you big bag of nought.

Tell her to pretend to be me wife.

I'm so sorry about that, but running a house of this size and grandeur

is a constant worry for both me and my fiancee,

who will be here shortly, you twat.

KNOCK ON DOOR Yoo-hoo. Ah!

Julie, I was just wondering if you could... Hang on a minute.

Julie, I was wondering if you could do me a favour?

Oh, yes, of course. But first of all,

I'm absolutely desperate to go fishing.

Oh, come on, don't be an arsehole, just say yes. Please?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Come on a little spot of fishing. Come on. Right.

Landing nets, hooks. Yeah. All the fishing shit. Come on, let's fish,

let's do it. Ah! Oh I did enjoy that did you? What did you catch?

Nothing. Oh, come on, I saw your float bobbing and the fish taking your bait.

Oh, don't be tight. Tell me what you got.

A trout. Hold it up.

Let me take a picture.

He's a beauty, isn't he? How much do you think he weighs?

I don't know, about 2oz. Oh, the fish! 10lb?

Oh, you silly boy. There's nothing there. We didn't even go fishing.

THEY LAUGH

Julie, look. Now listen, about that favour.

Bosh's probation officer's coming around in a minute.

Would you, please, pretend to be his fiancee?

Oh, yes. What fun! Yes, yes! Good. Just come round in a minute.

In a minute? Yeah. Oh, defo. Thanks.

And you say you're now in full-time employment? Oh, yes.

What is it you do? I don't know.

But my boss will be here shortly to fill you in.

Ah, hello. Ah, there he is now.

I'm Gary Hardboard, Bosh's employer.

Good day, madam, I'm Bosh's boss, Lord Halfmore. Now then, look here,

every morning, he raises the sluice gates and allows the fish and the

birds and the small craft and the mosses and the crabs to pass through.

And at the end of the day, he closes the sluice gates and everything

seems to be satisfactory and in good order.

I thank you for your kind time and attention.

Sorry, hold on. I don't understand.

Which one of these bosses do you actually work for?

I don't mind. Which one do you like?

Ah, Brownhole. Ah, Sergeant Tobotsman. Yes.

A problem has arisen with our insurers.

Yes, well, I think there looks like a good place to have

a high powered business meeting. I quite agree. Let's go through.

After you. Thank you, madam. Good day, madam. Good day.

You work for both of them, do you? It's looking that way, innit?

Hmm. And you're in a steady relationship? Tell me about her.

Oh, yes, well, she works for a Turkish man in Persia.

Istanbul? Yeah, that's him, Stan Bull. He guts fish.

Hello, my treacle!

I just got back from the old typing pool.

Cor, them Olivettis don't half blister your fingers!

What are you doing in my house? You coppers do my head in!

You must be the PERSIAN fiancee?

Yes, I am Fatima. Let me tell you your fortune.

All right, Julie? Fatima.

Hold on a second. Who the hell is this?

You really are beautiful. Maybe we should make love.

Tell me, what are you doing here?

I'm interviewing Bosh. Ah, he's applying for a job, is he?

That'll be a first.

Maybe he'll find somewhere to live, or even get himself a girlfriend.

I understand Julie is free.

Your stolen bicycle pumps are outside if you want them.

Ah, thanks very much, mate.

Oh, I get it. You've been lying to me.

You haven't got a home or a job or a girlfriend.

Right. Well, this is absolutely unacceptable.

I'll be back next week and if things haven't significantly improved,

I'll report you to the court for breach of your probation order.

Do you understand? Get yourself a job.

Oh, yes, I quite agree, you twat.

One week.

Don't you dare, Beef! You've ruined the whole plan.

What plan? What whole plan?

Right. No, stop it, stop it! Drop the beat.

You need to sort this out, mate. Me? Why me?

John McCririck. You've got to get yourself a job.

A job, yeah, that's it, yeah, I'll take it. What is it? No, I haven't got a job, Bosh.

Bosh, what you've gotta do is think about what you really like doing.

Oh. Oh, God. Think, think, squirt, squirt.

That's not a job, though.

I know, I wanna be like that twat off the telly.

What Gordon Ramsay? Yeah.

Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay. That gives me an idea for a plan.

What plan? What whole plan?

Right. Best behaviour, please, Julie, she'll be here in a minute.

This is such a hoot.

Right. Hello! Here are your starters.

Whole chicken for you.

Whole chicken for you. Now, let us say grace.

Two, three, four.

# Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole

# Ole, ole. #

That's it. OK. Now, would you like anything to drink?

I've got skimmed, semi-skimmed, pasteurised or full fat.

Maybe you'd like to try the yogurt? No. We're fine, thanks.

OK then. All right. I'm sorry Martin, that table's taken.

You'll have to eff off. KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, hello, madam. Welcome to my new job.

I'm the proprietor of this pop-up restaurant Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares,

named after the famous restaurant off of Gordon Ramsay's.

Now, allow me to show you to your table, you twat.

I have warmed your seat for you. Um-hm.

Well, this is very impressive, Bosh. Well done.

You know, if this is for real and not just one of your scams,

I might give you another chance. All right.

Well, in that case, how would you like your chicken cooked?

Roasted or boiled? Sorry, I'm a vegetarian.

Well, have it cold then.

No, I'm a vegetarian.

Well, have it cold then.

No, I don't want chicken. Have you got anything else?

I've got halibut upstairs in the bath.

I'm a vegetarian! Well, have it raw then.

What else have you got?

Fags, milk and yogurt.

Could you ask the chef to knock me up something?

Well, I'll give it a go, yeah.

Right. She wants one of you two to knock her up or something.

Knock her up?! She's not had her pudding yet.

She wants us to knock her something up to eat. Does she not like chicken?

No, she's a vegetarian.

Well, did you tell her she could have it cold? Yeah.

Vegetarians don't eat chicken, not even cold.

Did you not even know that?

It's ridiculous.

Look, tell her we'll think of something.

Yeah. All right. Well, get a bloody move on. Especially you.

Because if I don't feed her, then I go back to prison

and the press get the photos.

All right. Ooh.

Well, right. Vic, think.

Something that's not chicken, but you CAN eat it.

Have a look in the cupboards, Vic.

Chickens.

Chickens. Try the cupboard below.

Oh!

Chickens everywhere! Cheeky chicken!

Whoa! Ah!

Cheeky chicken! Cheeky chicken!

You all right?

We can serve chicken. Whoa!

BOTH: Cheeky chicken.

Right. Not chicken, but you... BOTH: CAN eat it.

I know, I'll ask Erik, he's foreign, isn't he?

And you get on the phone to Beef, see what he's got in his cupboards. Right.

I'm so sorry about the inevitable delay, madam.

The chef can be rather partial.

Perhaps some light entertainment whilst you wait?

PLAYS "LONDON'S BURNING"

Et cetera.

# ..London's burning London's burning. #

Erik. # ..Fire, fire... #

# ..Fire, fire. #

Oh, Erik.

What do you want? I'm very busy working on some dimensions.

That's interesting. Dimensions for what?

Your coffin. ERIK LAUGHS

And so on. Yeah, thanks, Erik.

Look, Bosh has got a diner downstairs who won't eat meat.

You haven't got anything I can serve up, have you?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, serve that.

ERIK LAUGHS Yeah, tennis, yeah, yeah.

Ahoy, it's a classic.

Yeah, no, it's right up there, yeah. Erik...

Oh, hello there. I like your moo-moo.

I bet you do.

It's made from Moroccan sausage skin and winkles and it's heatproof.

I've been sat in the airing cupboard all morning without a simple bit of discomfort.

I should be in there.

All right, Beef? This is all I could find.

Let's have a look. What is it?

Does it matter? I mean, does it really matter?!

Yeah, it does matter, Beef. I think this is flour.

Look, here's an egg. Egg.

Right. we crack the egg into the flour. That'll make a pizza. Yeah.

And for a topping. We use maybe this sauce of Beef's.

Let me try it.

Yeah, that's OK. Try it.

Hmm. Real depth of flavour. What is it?

I don't know. I bought it from a bazaar in Nairobi.

Mmm. It says here, "Mugabe's personal nerve agent.

"Sugar free. May contain nuts.

"Please follow us on Twitter and Facebook."

You kill him.

Nerve agent! Nerve agent, Beef! You know what that means?

It means we're going to die.

Beef. What? Contact me mum and tell her I love her.

I love her too. On a weekly basis.

Ooh! So, I guess this is cheerio. So goodbye, Vic.

I've always loved you.

Oh, Bob! Goodbye. I love you too.

I'm feeling horny again.

Get out of my way.

Ooh, ooh! Ooh!

You to me are everything,

the greatest song a man could sing. Oh!

No, Beef, no! Get out of here. Go on, man. Shame.

I shall return with shoes made of...iron ore!

I'm so sorry about that, madam.

We get all sorts in here. It really can be quite a challenge.

Bosh, I'm dying due to nerve agent ingestion!

So, I guess it's goodbye. OK.

I'd like you to have me racehorse when I'm gone. What, Daft John?

Yes, it's his 50th birthday on Saturday.

There's a coconut in the fridge for him.

Could you make sure he gets it? He loves to suck on them.

Vic, Vic, it's all right. Listen, it's OK.

It's worn off. Must be out of date or something. Oh.

Yeah, phew. Ooh. Oh.

Did I hear you say coconut? I love coconuts.

Maybe I could have that?

Of course, madam. Mortimer.

You can't deprive Daft John of his sucking coconut!

I don't care about his sucking coconut.

If I don't feed her, I'm going back to sucking prison.

There you are, madam, a lovely coconut topped pizza.

Thank you.

That pizza looks a bit hard.

Yeah, it turns out it wasn't flour, it was grout.

Is grout edible?

Nope.

This looks delicious, Bosh. Well done.

It's not cordon bleu, but it's a good effort.

So, I'm not going back to prison, then?

Well, no, of course not. ALL: Yay!

And I am wearing iron ore shoes.

And tonight, I celebrate my love for you.

ALL: Yay!

Are you trying to knock me up or something?

That was my plan. My whole plan.

ALL: Hey!

# Didn't we have a lovely day?

# The day I ran a restaurant

# So what happens next?

# We form a circle Dance around the hydrothermal... #

ALL HUM ALONG

Thank you. Thank you.