Don's New Job How Not To Live Your Life


Don's New Job

Sitcom about a desperate lothario. Don invents an elaborate story about a new job to impress Sam - then a chance encounter with an executive leads to a promotion.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

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'Let me introduce myself. My name's Don. That's me in bed.

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'I'm about to wake up. See - clever, eh?'

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My nan left me this house, in case you're wondering about the crazy decor.

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What else?

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Oh, yeah, I recently got a female lodger...

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Come on, hurry up, I'm bursting!

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-Morning, dickhead.

-Morning, Gollum.

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Mrs Treacher's my neighbour. She's living here while the builders sort out the damp in her house.

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-I'd leave it for a minute if I were you.

-Oh...

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That's Eddie.

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He's Mrs Treacher's carer.

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Actually, he's everyone's carer.

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He loves looking after people.

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-Weirdo.

-Make me a cup of tea, Eddie!

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-What do you say?

-Now!

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You batty boy.

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That's... more like it.

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I have no idea how I ended up living with these freaks.

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At least there's one normal person in my life.

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That's Samantha. Yep, she's hot.

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Funny and smart too.

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-What are you doing?

-Well, you don't mind, do you?

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Erm... It is a bit odd.

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It's a shame she has a boyfriend, though.

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His name's Brian. See, he's cool with it.

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Yeah well, I'm not. Get off me!

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Sam and I almost got it on once. He doesn't know that.

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We were at a wedding a couple of months ago, staying in this hotel.

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-You took your time.

-Well, I'm here now.

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-Oh, Don.

-Oh, Abby.

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Wait a minute.

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Did you just call me Abby?

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Abby was a girl I used to have a crush on.

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But when I walked into that room and saw Sam, I knew I was finally over Abby, and wanted to be with her.

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'So when I said...' Oh, Abby.

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'It was a genuine, horrible mistake.'

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What was I thinking?

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Look, the only reason I said her name was because I just got a text message from her.

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So, yeah. I'm Don Danbury. And this is How Not To Live Your Life.

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Samantha! Brian's here.

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She'll be down in a moment.

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I'll just put the kettle on.

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What does she see in him, I wonder?

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Well, he's got a career, he's a published author, he makes good

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money, he's clever, witty, handsome, and he's very, very charming.

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Apart from that.

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Anyway, if he's so amazing, why does she never talk about him?

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-Well, because you always give her a hard time about it.

-Like when?

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So come on. Who is he?

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OK. His name is Brian.

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He's a lecturer at my university.

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Teaches psychology, and he's even written a book.

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He's your teacher?

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Doesn't that make him a paedophile?

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-No, Don! He's a really nice guy, actually.

-That's what paedos do.

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They gain your trust, lure you in.

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God, it's like talking to a child!

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Is that what he says to you?

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No, Don. Just drop the joke. He's not a paedophile.

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Are you sure? I mean, look at the title of that book he wrote.

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It just annoys me that she started seeing someone so soon.

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She didn't give me a chance to make up for what I did.

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I mean, I haven't been to see Abby, I'm not going to.

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Open...

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Now, don't hate me for saying this, but Sam does seem to be happy with him.

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I hate you for saying that.

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Don't you think he's a bit old for her?

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It's like she's dating her dad.

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Ah. How much of that did you just hear?

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Just that bit there, where you said it's like she's dating her dad.

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Oh, phew, that's all right then!

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You and I, we've never really had a proper chat, have we, Don?

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You know it's only cool to sit like that if you're a cop?

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Good one! But hey, I'm just a maverick "teacher"

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who breaks rules to get results.

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Sam said you work at an art centre - that must be a lot of fun?

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Don't let him fool you, babe. Don doesn't work there for the culture, do you?

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He only does jobs where he knows he can get away with doing as little as possible.

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-It's not true.

-It's true.

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Well, give me an example.

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Excuse me?

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Can you tell me which way to blinds and curtains?

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Sleeping.

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Help her, she's drowning!

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Leave her, she needs to learn to swim.

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I'm knackered, can we take a tea break?

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CAR HORNS HONK

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Hey, Don's got a lot of time to work out what career path to take.

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Someone as charming and funny as you can do whatever you want.

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Are you a bisexual?

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-No.

-Oh, sorry.

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-It's just, well you acted like one then.

-Don't waste your energy on him.

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He's not interested in getting a proper job.

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Well, as a matter of fact, cheekbones, I've got myself a proper job.

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-What? Since when?

-Since...tomorrow.

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It's an important office job.

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Corporate shit. Crunching numbers.

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Power breakfasts. Conference calls.

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-You're just saying words.

-Nice one, Don. Where is it?

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It's at the Whitgift Building.

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-You know? On Chaplin Street, near the art gallery?

-With which company?

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-Oh, look everyone, it's Mrs Treacher!

-Eddie, I just did some toilet, but it won't flush away.

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-She's great, isn't she?

-Come on, you.

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-Great to see you again, Don.

-Really?

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So untrusting of everyone. Fascinating!

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You didn't tell me you've got a new job.

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That's because I haven't. I lied.

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I mean, how am I meant to compete with Brian?

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But at some point Samantha will find out that you lied about the job, and then...

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-Shush!

-What? What is it?

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No. I'm just saying shush. Shut up.

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I did feel embarrassed about my crappy little job at the art centre.

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Even though I love it there. You see I do the afternoon shift, so I never have to get up too early.

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PHONE RINGS

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-Yeah?

-Don, it's Jason.

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You do know you're working today, don't you?

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MOUTHS

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Yeah, yeah, sorry. I'm going to be late.

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-You are late.

-I know, but I did warn you.

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-When?

-Just then!

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I said "I'm going to be late". God, you have the memory of a goldfish.

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I want you here ASAP.

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"ASAP"? You're "a sap"!

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So after another cheeky ten minutes' sleep, I got up and rushed to work,

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I had no idea I was about to bump into Brian and Sam.

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Well, it was a great paper. You're really good, you know?

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Oh! Look who it is!

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You two look so cute together.

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Like the perfect father and daughter. What are you up to?

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We're building a sandcastle.

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What do you think we're doing?

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I'm treating Sam to lunch. She just wrote an amazing paper for me.

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Isn't this a breach of your student-teacher relationship?

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Er, no. She's a mature student, Don.

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Well, congratulations, Samantha. You'll get hammered now, yeah?

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-Yeah(!)

-Well, I don't drink, so...

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-Wow, you're quite an exciting guy, aren't you, Bri?

-Hey!

-Ow!

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Anyway, I'm meant to be at work now, so I'll leave you two to your exciting bread and water.

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-Donald. Where are you going?

-Huh?

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I mean - that's where you work, isn't it?

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In the Whitgift building?

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'Shit, why does she remember everything I say?

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'Maybe I should just tell the truth.

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'But then I would look like a total dick, and in front of Brian.'

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-Yes, yes, it is.

-Yeah!

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And that's where I'm off to right this second, to where I work...

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See ya!

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I am telling you, he's lying!

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-Hang on, is that why you wanted to eat here, so you could spy on him?

-No!

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That's ridiculous.

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You two baffle me. You're always at each other.

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A paranoid man might think there's history between you both.

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-Well, there isn't!

-I know, I'm just saying...

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Yeah. He just really irritates me, that's all.

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As Carl Jung says, "That which irritates us about others leads to an understanding of ourselves."

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-Was that a bit irritating?

-Yeah.

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Martin! Hey!

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Just go with me, yeah.

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-What?

-Just, yeah, that's it. Yeah, all right, I'll give you a call some time.

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Martin.

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Can I help you, sir?

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Er, I'm just smelling this.

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-What is it?

-A leaf?

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Mmm. It's lovely.

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What are you doing?

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I'm trying to put it back on.

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-Do you have any glue?

-Do you work here, sir?

-Yeah.

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I don't recognise you.

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Well, um, I've got a cold. LIFT PINGS

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So...?

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Right!

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Well, I'd...better be getting back to work.

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What am I doing?

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Edward Singh.

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Eddie, I'm in trouble. I'm late for work, but I'm stuck in the Whitgift building with no way out.

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There's an angry Russian on the front desk. I don't know what to do.

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-Well, whatever you do, don't tell them your real name.

-Gotcha.

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-Why?

-Not sure.

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Just seemed like the right thing to say.

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Look, I need you to come here and get me out.

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But there's nothing I can do, Don. You know I teach English to foreign students on Mondays.

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I can't just abandon them.

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Don?

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-Is everything OK, sir?

-That was my friend Don.

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He says he's trapped in a tall building surrounded by Russians, with no way out.

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Is that not the plot to Die Hard?

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'What is this place?

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'I better get out quick.

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'I'll just stay here until they've gone - yeah, they won't be long.'

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Excuse me, could you copy these, please?

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Ten of each.

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-You don't mind me drinking though, do you?

-No, of course not.

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Just a glass or two with lunch.

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Exactly, just a glass or two with lunch.

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Oh, am I keeping you?

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No, no. Well, I do have a lot of papers to mark...

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Yeah, but you haven't got any lectures this afternoon. Let's do something.

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OK, why not? Hey, maybe we could go see that Godard double bill later?

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Or...

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we could do something a bit more exciting!

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OK, how about we do some Meow Meow and go day-clubbing?

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-Have you got some?

-No, of course not.

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Oh!

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PRINTER BEEPS

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Sh! Sh!

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BEEPING CONTINUES

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Stand back!

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Emergency, emergency!

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BEEPING STOPS Oh.

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-Sorry, I don't know what happened.

-Don't worry.

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The LTDR1000's been a bit of a nuisance of late.

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Naughty little copy-droid!

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-Hey, you must be new?

-Er, yeah.

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-Sort of.

-Barry Fairdog.

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Er, Don. Tom.

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Dontom? Is that Belgian?

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Hey, why aren't you wearing your tie? Karen will go bonkers.

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-I'd put it back on again if I were you.

-I don't have a tie.

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You don't have a tie?

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Look, don't worry about me, I won't be here long.

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Hey kid, don't beat yourself off like that.

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I was like you when I first started here.

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"Ooh, will I make it through the first week?"

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That was eight years ago!

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Uh-oh, the boss!

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-Better look busy.

-Right, everyone.

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I'm off to do this wretched meeting with Perry Makeover.

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-Be back about four.

-Er, Karen?

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-Shut up, Barry.

-Yes, Karen.

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-I just don't feel the need.

-I just think people should get off their faces occasionally.

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-I have taken drugs, you know!

-Yeah, when?

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Glastonbury. 1994.

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-Shed Seven were bloody good!

-That was, like, before I was even born!

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She's exaggerating.

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-She's not that young.

-I might as well have been.

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Come on, let's go and do something naughty! Have you ever shagged a girl in a place that you shouldn't?

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I've never really been much of a back-seat driver, as it were.

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Not anal!

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-I mean, in like a public place or something?

-You want to go dogging?

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No, silly!

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Let's go and do it in the toilets.

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It will be my present to you.

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I thought that Guy Debord book was my present?

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Oh, God, you're no fun at all.

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All right, I'll show you who's fun!

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Come on.

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Get a room! PHONE RINGS

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Jason?

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Don. Why aren't you here?

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-I'm sorry...

-You'd better have a good explanation.

-I have.

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Basically, I'm stuck in this tall building with no way out, there's

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an angry Russian at reception, and I'm surrounded by all these...

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Don. Do you think I'm stupid?

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-What do you mean?

-I've seen Die Hard.

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If you're getting excuses from movie plots again, the least you can...

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What do you mean, "again"?

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When have I ever done that?

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Sorry I'm late, Jase.

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I had a nightmare getting here. I was stuck in traffic for ages, right, so I just got out the car and walked.

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Anyway, I stopped off for breakfast but they wouldn't serve me any because it was one minute past.

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So I pulled out my machine gun and started firing it...

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Isn't that the plot to Falling Down?

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I was up all night watching my neighbours through binoculars.

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I even managed to solve a murder. Mad, eh?

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That's the film Rear Window.

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Look, I'm dating this girl all right, who's only free in the middle of the night.

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Well, I say 'girl', I mean 'mannequin'.

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I say 'only free' - I mean 'comes to life'.

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Like in the film Mannequin?

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Yeah, a bit like that.

0:15:490:15:51

OK, picture the scene.

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Opening credits, a spaceship flies over head, this is the Imperial Star Fleet...

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OK, OK. But this time I'm telling the truth.

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Get. Here.

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Now!

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Piss off, you pathetic jobsworth.

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You're nothing to me, you hear?

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Nothing!

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Psst. Dontom.

0:16:160:16:18

Over here.

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I like the way you handled that guy. You're brave.

0:16:300:16:32

Would you speak to one of my clients?

0:16:320:16:34

Oh, I wasn't actually speaking to...

0:16:340:16:36

You see, he agreed to take three projects from us but now he's stalling.

0:16:360:16:39

If Karen finds out I haven't secured them, it'll be "Adios, Senor Fairdog", you know what I mean?

0:16:390:16:44

-Er, no. Not really...

-I've never been any good at hard-balling.

0:16:440:16:48

His name's Jeffrey Underscore, he's based in Bristol, and he sounds like he might have a moustache.

0:16:480:16:53

OK, but what exactly are we selling here?

0:16:560:16:58

-Ha, ha. Good one. Like it.

-No, no, no. I'm serious.

0:16:580:17:02

Oh, hello it's, er, Don...

0:17:020:17:04

Tom. From...?

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Barry Fairdog's desk.

0:17:080:17:10

Yeah, I'm sorry about that but Barry had to rush off for the afternoon because he's got... the shits.

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I know you've had a change of heart, Jeffrey, but you've just got to make it work.

0:17:150:17:19

-Harder.

-You want me to come round and roundhouse you in the prick?!

0:17:190:17:23

-That's a bit hard.

-OK, fine, fine.

0:17:230:17:25

Don't take them then, I don't care.

0:17:250:17:28

I don't know, we'll just sell them on, make a tidy profit.

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We don't need you.

0:17:320:17:35

Oh, oh, now you're interested?

0:17:350:17:37

Yeah, OK.

0:17:370:17:39

That's more like it.

0:17:390:17:41

Good boy, good boy.

0:17:410:17:43

-He's back in.

-My God, Dontom,

0:17:440:17:47

-you're a natural.

-You've just got to use your balls, Barry.

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Always think with your balls.

0:17:520:17:54

HE MOUTHS THE WORDS

0:17:550:17:59

HE WHISTLES

0:17:590:18:03

Er, do you mind?

0:18:120:18:14

Not as big as I thought it would be.

0:18:140:18:16

Why? How big did you think... Wait a minute, what?

0:18:160:18:18

Marcus Blade, head of International.

0:18:180:18:22

-So? Can you stop looking at my penis, please?

-You're a fraud, aren't you?

0:18:220:18:25

-Er...

-You're not a temp.

0:18:250:18:27

-No, I'm not.

-What are you doing here?

0:18:270:18:30

I kinda just sneaked in.

0:18:300:18:32

You belong with me. On my team.

0:18:320:18:34

I saw you on that call earlier, clearing up Fairdog's mess.

0:18:340:18:38

You're a genius.

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You act like it's so much bigger.

0:18:400:18:43

What if someone catches us?

0:18:430:18:44

That's half the fun, thinking we're going to get caught.

0:18:440:18:47

-I'm not so sure, this doesn't feel right.

-There's a condom machine. See, they want us to have sex.

0:18:470:18:52

After you.

0:18:520:18:53

-What precisely do you do at this company?

-Exactly!

0:18:550:18:58

What the hell are we doing here?

0:18:580:19:00

No, that's what I just asked.

0:19:000:19:02

-What say we start you on 35?

-35?

0:19:020:19:05

OK, look, £40,000 a year, but that's my final offer.

0:19:050:19:08

£40,000 a year?

0:19:080:19:10

Oh, my God, that is millions.

0:19:100:19:12

-We got a deal, Dontom?

-Yes!

0:19:120:19:14

Oh, er, my name's not Dontom. You'll need to know that for my pay slips.

0:19:140:19:18

It's Don. You know? Which is short for Donald.

0:19:180:19:20

Dontom was my, um, temping name.

0:19:200:19:23

Yeah, that really is a nice tip.

0:19:230:19:25

A very, very nice tip.

0:19:250:19:27

Welcome to the team.

0:19:270:19:29

Hey, beautiful Dontom.

0:19:320:19:36

What's going down, dude?

0:19:360:19:37

I've just been promoted.

0:19:370:19:40

What?

0:19:400:19:41

Yeah, Marcus Blade just offered me a place on his team.

0:19:410:19:44

-You fucking bitch!

-What?!

0:19:440:19:46

Fucking traitor bitch slut fuck.

0:19:460:19:49

All right, Barry, come on.

0:19:490:19:53

I haven't been promoted in eight years.

0:19:530:19:56

And you just waltz in here and go from temp to international in an afternoon.

0:19:560:20:00

Barry, I'm not actually a temp.

0:20:000:20:03

Oh! Rub it in why don't you?!

0:20:030:20:06

Why won't they promote ME?

0:20:100:20:14

WHY?

0:20:140:20:16

-Argh!

-SPLAT!

0:20:160:20:18

Don't worry about him. Does that every week. Buffoon.

0:20:250:20:28

Ambulance for Barry Fairdog.

0:20:280:20:30

Now, let me show you where you'll be sitting.

0:20:300:20:32

-You want me to come over there and roundhouse you in the prick?

-Oi! That's my line.

0:20:320:20:35

I think you'll find you've already been a huge influence around here.

0:20:350:20:39

MUSIC: "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits

0:20:400:20:44

This is your vessel.

0:21:090:21:12

I've got a great feeling about this.

0:21:120:21:14

Are you Donald?

0:21:190:21:21

Er, yes.

0:21:210:21:23

Wow. I've heard so much about you.

0:21:230:21:24

-Really?

-Want to fuck me later?

0:21:240:21:27

-Say what now?

-Fuck me? You want to do that?

0:21:290:21:33

-Er, yes.

-Great.

0:21:340:21:37

PHONE RINGS

0:21:420:21:47

-Jason.

-OK, Don. I've given you plenty of warning but I'm afraid you're...

0:21:500:21:54

-I'm resigning!

-Fired. What?

0:21:540:21:56

You can stick your job where the sun doesn't shine.

0:21:560:21:59

Oh, and I don't mean Penge.

0:21:590:22:03

I'll have that. I'll have that. I'll have that.

0:22:050:22:09

I'll... Ooh, Waterworld Triple Disc Director's Cut, No Way Out. Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

0:22:090:22:15

'Finally I've got a great job with proper wages.

0:22:150:22:18

'It wasn't an accident I walked into this building today.

0:22:180:22:21

'It was my destiny.

0:22:210:22:22

'Should I treat myself to a holiday this year?

0:22:220:22:25

'Yeah, I've earned it.'

0:22:250:22:27

Oh, yes! Yes!

0:22:270:22:30

Oh! Yeah!

0:22:310:22:33

This is so naughty.

0:22:330:22:37

God, there's a lot of graffiti in here.

0:22:370:22:39

"Your mum is gay". I mean, how can they be so certain?

0:22:420:22:46

Babe, shut up.

0:22:460:22:48

"Terry Banter's dads got AIDS"?

0:22:480:22:50

There's no apostrophe after the word dad.

0:22:500:22:53

Maybe Terry Banter's got two dads.

0:22:530:22:55

-Babe, you are not marking homework now.

-Sh! Sh!

0:22:550:22:58

-What?

-I think I can hear someone.

0:22:580:23:01

HE COUGHS

0:23:010:23:02

Oh, God, there's someone out there.

0:23:020:23:04

OK, well just be quiet and maybe they'll go.

0:23:040:23:07

I think it's best you stop what you're doing and leave.

0:23:070:23:11

This is not what you're thinking.

0:23:110:23:13

I'm helping her... to go to the toilet.

0:23:130:23:15

-I'm his... daughter.

-What?!

0:23:150:23:19

Well, they might believe it, you do look older than me.

0:23:190:23:22

Oh, great. Now you sound like Don.

0:23:220:23:24

Why are you bringing him into this?

0:23:240:23:26

I'll be waiting outside. I expect to see you there in 20 seconds.

0:23:260:23:29

It's 20 seconds. We've got time to finish, right?

0:23:320:23:35

Do you want me to come over there and roundhouse you in the prick?

0:23:380:23:41

-Come on, use your balls.

-Think with your balls, goddammit!

0:23:410:23:45

Er, why are you speaking to our clients like that?

0:23:450:23:50

What's with all the pricks and balls talk? Where the hell's your tie?

0:23:500:23:53

I'm just copying the new boy, Donald.

0:23:530:23:56

Ah, Karen. Need to dialogue with you vis-a-vis Donald, the new boy I've taken on.

0:23:560:23:59

He's amazing. And he's got a beautiful tip.

0:23:590:24:02

You've done what? Oh, Jesus. Right, listen up everyone!

0:24:040:24:08

I understand Marcus here's been promoting people.

0:24:080:24:12

Well, you shouldn't pay attention to Marcus. He's fired.

0:24:120:24:15

What?! That's madness, come on!

0:24:150:24:17

Sorry, Marcus. You're a liability.

0:24:170:24:20

You keep employing people without authority.

0:24:200:24:24

Now, I need to speak with this Donald person.

0:24:240:24:28

Well, come on. Who's Donald?

0:24:280:24:30

-I'm Donald.

-I'm Donald.

0:24:350:24:38

I'm Donald.

0:24:380:24:40

Wow, you guys are doing a Spartacus for me?

0:24:440:24:47

No. My name's actually Donald.

0:24:490:24:52

Yeah, so's mine. That's weird.

0:24:520:24:53

Donald and Donald, sit down. I know who you both are, you fools.

0:24:530:24:58

So, you're Donald?

0:24:580:25:01

Er, one of them.

0:25:010:25:04

I don't like hard-balling clients, and I don't like a slapdash attitude to tie wearing.

0:25:040:25:08

This organisation has a reputation for kindness. And tie wearing.

0:25:080:25:12

Look, I hear you, I do.

0:25:120:25:14

But sometimes you just got to bust a few chops, right?

0:25:140:25:18

What? Donald. This is a charity.

0:25:180:25:21

So that's what you do here!

0:25:210:25:23

Right, you're a...

0:25:230:25:25

charity?

0:25:250:25:26

And we do not bust people's chops.

0:25:260:25:30

We find homes for war orphans.

0:25:300:25:32

Oh, shit.

0:25:320:25:34

OK, fine.

0:25:340:25:36

Don't take them, I don't care.

0:25:360:25:39

I don't know, we'll just sell them on, make a tidy profit.

0:25:390:25:43

You mean I was selling war orphans?

0:25:430:25:45

'Warphans', yes. And we're not selling them! My God, man!

0:25:450:25:48

-His methods get results, Karen.

-Hush, Marcus!

0:25:480:25:52

-Now I want you to clear your desk immediately.

-You're firing me.

0:25:520:25:55

Do all of those few hours I've been at this company mean nothing?

0:25:550:25:58

You can go back to your temp job.

0:25:580:26:01

Temp job? I don't have a temp job.

0:26:010:26:03

I was just...

0:26:030:26:05

-hiding in this building.

-What?

0:26:050:26:08

I was hiding from my flatmate and her boyfriend.

0:26:080:26:12

Please don't fire me, Karen. I've already told my real boss to shove his job where the sun don't shine.

0:26:120:26:17

-What? Penge?

-Please, Karen, please. Don't fire me.

0:26:170:26:20

This job means so much to me.

0:26:200:26:23

I've never had a job with such good wages before. Please! Oh, shit.

0:26:230:26:27

I bought a speedboat on the internet.

0:26:270:26:29

Please, Karen, please.

0:26:290:26:32

I'm an orphan too.

0:26:320:26:34

Please.

0:26:340:26:36

If we see you near these premises again we'll call the police.

0:26:370:26:41

Get off! Ow!

0:26:410:26:44

What's going on with you two?

0:26:440:26:47

Jesus, the service here is terrible.

0:26:470:26:49

-You're telling me.

-We just got caught shagging in the toilets.

0:26:490:26:52

Really?

0:26:520:26:54

-Wow, that's...

-Exciting?

0:26:540:26:56

-Yeah.

-Come on.

0:26:560:26:59

You've finished work early, Don.

0:27:010:27:04

Oh, God. Babe, he never actually worked there.

0:27:040:27:07

Did you?

0:27:070:27:09

-Nah.

-I don't get what's going on.

0:27:090:27:12

Brian, I have no career, OK.

0:27:120:27:15

Just a crappy little part-time job.

0:27:150:27:19

At least I hope I have.

0:27:190:27:21

Shit, I'm going to have to call Jason and do some serious arse-licking.

0:27:210:27:24

Oh, God. I think my hangover's coming. My head feels like syrup.

0:27:240:27:28

See you later, Barry.

0:27:280:27:30

Bye, Dontom. Stay in touch!

0:27:300:27:33

'So, like I said, my name's Don Danbury and this How Not to...

0:27:330:27:38

'Well, you get the idea.'

0:27:380:27:40

Don has blown his chances with flatmate Sam and to make matters worse she has a new boyfriend. With no career, Don comes up with an elaborate story about a new job to try to impress her. Things finally appear to be going his way when a chance encounter with high-flying executive Marcus leads to a promotion. Of course being Don, it's not long before it all goes wrong.


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