Don's New Job How Not To Live Your Life

This programme contains some strong language.

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

'Let me introduce myself. My name's Don. That's me in bed.

'I'm about to wake up. See - clever, eh?'

My nan left me this house, in case you're wondering about the crazy decor.

What else?

Oh, yeah, I recently got a female lodger...

Come on, hurry up, I'm bursting!

-Morning, dickhead.

-Morning, Gollum.

Mrs Treacher's my neighbour. She's living here while the builders sort out the damp in her house.

-I'd leave it for a minute if I were you.

-Oh...

That's Eddie.

He's Mrs Treacher's carer.

Actually, he's everyone's carer.

He loves looking after people.

-Weirdo.

-Make me a cup of tea, Eddie!

-What do you say?

-Now!

You batty boy.

That's... more like it.

I have no idea how I ended up living with these freaks.

At least there's one normal person in my life.

That's Samantha. Yep, she's hot.

Funny and smart too.

-What are you doing?

-Well, you don't mind, do you?

Erm... It is a bit odd.

It's a shame she has a boyfriend, though.

His name's Brian. See, he's cool with it.

Yeah well, I'm not. Get off me!

Sam and I almost got it on once. He doesn't know that.

We were at a wedding a couple of months ago, staying in this hotel.

-You took your time.

-Well, I'm here now.

-Oh, Don.

-Oh, Abby.

Wait a minute.

Did you just call me Abby?

Abby was a girl I used to have a crush on.

But when I walked into that room and saw Sam, I knew I was finally over Abby, and wanted to be with her.

'So when I said...' Oh, Abby.

'It was a genuine, horrible mistake.'

What was I thinking?

Look, the only reason I said her name was because I just got a text message from her.

So, yeah. I'm Don Danbury. And this is How Not To Live Your Life.

Samantha! Brian's here.

She'll be down in a moment.

I'll just put the kettle on.

What does she see in him, I wonder?

Well, he's got a career, he's a published author, he makes good

money, he's clever, witty, handsome, and he's very, very charming.

Apart from that.

Anyway, if he's so amazing, why does she never talk about him?

-Well, because you always give her a hard time about it.

-Like when?

So come on. Who is he?

OK. His name is Brian.

He's a lecturer at my university.

Teaches psychology, and he's even written a book.

He's your teacher?

Doesn't that make him a paedophile?

-No, Don! He's a really nice guy, actually.

-That's what paedos do.

They gain your trust, lure you in.

God, it's like talking to a child!

Is that what he says to you?

No, Don. Just drop the joke. He's not a paedophile.

Are you sure? I mean, look at the title of that book he wrote.

It just annoys me that she started seeing someone so soon.

She didn't give me a chance to make up for what I did.

I mean, I haven't been to see Abby, I'm not going to.

Open...

Now, don't hate me for saying this, but Sam does seem to be happy with him.

I hate you for saying that.

Don't you think he's a bit old for her?

It's like she's dating her dad.

Ah. How much of that did you just hear?

Just that bit there, where you said it's like she's dating her dad.

Oh, phew, that's all right then!

You and I, we've never really had a proper chat, have we, Don?

You know it's only cool to sit like that if you're a cop?

Good one! But hey, I'm just a maverick "teacher"

who breaks rules to get results.

Sam said you work at an art centre - that must be a lot of fun?

Don't let him fool you, babe. Don doesn't work there for the culture, do you?

He only does jobs where he knows he can get away with doing as little as possible.

-It's not true.

-It's true.

Well, give me an example.

Excuse me?

Can you tell me which way to blinds and curtains?

Sleeping.

Help her, she's drowning!

Leave her, she needs to learn to swim.

I'm knackered, can we take a tea break?

CAR HORNS HONK

Hey, Don's got a lot of time to work out what career path to take.

Someone as charming and funny as you can do whatever you want.

Are you a bisexual?

-No.

-Oh, sorry.

-It's just, well you acted like one then.

-Don't waste your energy on him.

He's not interested in getting a proper job.

Well, as a matter of fact, cheekbones, I've got myself a proper job.

-What? Since when?

-Since...tomorrow.

It's an important office job.

Corporate shit. Crunching numbers.

Power breakfasts. Conference calls.

-You're just saying words.

-Nice one, Don. Where is it?

It's at the Whitgift Building.

-You know? On Chaplin Street, near the art gallery?

-With which company?

-Oh, look everyone, it's Mrs Treacher!

-Eddie, I just did some toilet, but it won't flush away.

-She's great, isn't she?

-Come on, you.

-Great to see you again, Don.

-Really?

So untrusting of everyone. Fascinating!

You didn't tell me you've got a new job.

That's because I haven't. I lied.

I mean, how am I meant to compete with Brian?

But at some point Samantha will find out that you lied about the job, and then...

-Shush!

-What? What is it?

No. I'm just saying shush. Shut up.

I did feel embarrassed about my crappy little job at the art centre.

Even though I love it there. You see I do the afternoon shift, so I never have to get up too early.

PHONE RINGS

-Yeah?

-Don, it's Jason.

You do know you're working today, don't you?

MOUTHS

Yeah, yeah, sorry. I'm going to be late.

-You are late.

-I know, but I did warn you.

-When?

-Just then!

I said "I'm going to be late". God, you have the memory of a goldfish.

I want you here ASAP.

"ASAP"? You're "a sap"!

So after another cheeky ten minutes' sleep, I got up and rushed to work,

I had no idea I was about to bump into Brian and Sam.

Well, it was a great paper. You're really good, you know?

Oh! Look who it is!

You two look so cute together.

Like the perfect father and daughter. What are you up to?

We're building a sandcastle.

What do you think we're doing?

I'm treating Sam to lunch. She just wrote an amazing paper for me.

Isn't this a breach of your student-teacher relationship?

Er, no. She's a mature student, Don.

Well, congratulations, Samantha. You'll get hammered now, yeah?

-Yeah(!)

-Well, I don't drink, so...

-Wow, you're quite an exciting guy, aren't you, Bri?

-Hey!

-Ow!

Anyway, I'm meant to be at work now, so I'll leave you two to your exciting bread and water.

-Donald. Where are you going?

-Huh?

I mean - that's where you work, isn't it?

In the Whitgift building?

'Shit, why does she remember everything I say?

'Maybe I should just tell the truth.

'But then I would look like a total dick, and in front of Brian.'

-Yes, yes, it is.

-Yeah!

And that's where I'm off to right this second, to where I work...

See ya!

I am telling you, he's lying!

-Hang on, is that why you wanted to eat here, so you could spy on him?

-No!

That's ridiculous.

You two baffle me. You're always at each other.

A paranoid man might think there's history between you both.

-Well, there isn't!

-I know, I'm just saying...

Yeah. He just really irritates me, that's all.

As Carl Jung says, "That which irritates us about others leads to an understanding of ourselves."

-Was that a bit irritating?

-Yeah.

Martin! Hey!

Just go with me, yeah.

-What?

-Just, yeah, that's it. Yeah, all right, I'll give you a call some time.

Martin.

Can I help you, sir?

Er, I'm just smelling this.

-What is it?

-A leaf?

Mmm. It's lovely.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to put it back on.

-Do you have any glue?

-Do you work here, sir?

-Yeah.

I don't recognise you.

Well, um, I've got a cold. LIFT PINGS

So...?

Right!

Well, I'd...better be getting back to work.

What am I doing?

Edward Singh.

Eddie, I'm in trouble. I'm late for work, but I'm stuck in the Whitgift building with no way out.

There's an angry Russian on the front desk. I don't know what to do.

-Well, whatever you do, don't tell them your real name.

-Gotcha.

-Why?

-Not sure.

Just seemed like the right thing to say.

Look, I need you to come here and get me out.

But there's nothing I can do, Don. You know I teach English to foreign students on Mondays.

I can't just abandon them.

Don?

-Is everything OK, sir?

-That was my friend Don.

He says he's trapped in a tall building surrounded by Russians, with no way out.

Is that not the plot to Die Hard?

'What is this place?

'I better get out quick.

'I'll just stay here until they've gone - yeah, they won't be long.'

Excuse me, could you copy these, please?

Ten of each.

-You don't mind me drinking though, do you?

-No, of course not.

Just a glass or two with lunch.

Exactly, just a glass or two with lunch.

Oh, am I keeping you?

No, no. Well, I do have a lot of papers to mark...

Yeah, but you haven't got any lectures this afternoon. Let's do something.

OK, why not? Hey, maybe we could go see that Godard double bill later?

Or...

we could do something a bit more exciting!

OK, how about we do some Meow Meow and go day-clubbing?

-Have you got some?

-No, of course not.

Oh!

PRINTER BEEPS

Sh! Sh!

BEEPING CONTINUES

Stand back!

Emergency, emergency!

BEEPING STOPS Oh.

-Sorry, I don't know what happened.

-Don't worry.

The LTDR1000's been a bit of a nuisance of late.

Naughty little copy-droid!

-Hey, you must be new?

-Er, yeah.

-Sort of.

-Barry Fairdog.

Er, Don. Tom.

Dontom? Is that Belgian?

Hey, why aren't you wearing your tie? Karen will go bonkers.

-I'd put it back on again if I were you.

-I don't have a tie.

You don't have a tie?

Look, don't worry about me, I won't be here long.

Hey kid, don't beat yourself off like that.

I was like you when I first started here.

"Ooh, will I make it through the first week?"

That was eight years ago!

Uh-oh, the boss!

-Better look busy.

-Right, everyone.

I'm off to do this wretched meeting with Perry Makeover.

-Be back about four.

-Er, Karen?

-Shut up, Barry.

-Yes, Karen.

-I just don't feel the need.

-I just think people should get off their faces occasionally.

-I have taken drugs, you know!

-Yeah, when?

Glastonbury. 1994.

-Shed Seven were bloody good!

-That was, like, before I was even born!

She's exaggerating.

-She's not that young.

-I might as well have been.

Come on, let's go and do something naughty! Have you ever shagged a girl in a place that you shouldn't?

I've never really been much of a back-seat driver, as it were.

Not anal!

-I mean, in like a public place or something?

-You want to go dogging?

No, silly!

Let's go and do it in the toilets.

It will be my present to you.

I thought that Guy Debord book was my present?

Oh, God, you're no fun at all.

All right, I'll show you who's fun!

Come on.

Get a room! PHONE RINGS

Jason?

Don. Why aren't you here?

-I'm sorry...

-You'd better have a good explanation.

-I have.

Basically, I'm stuck in this tall building with no way out, there's

an angry Russian at reception, and I'm surrounded by all these...

Don. Do you think I'm stupid?

-What do you mean?

-I've seen Die Hard.

If you're getting excuses from movie plots again, the least you can...

What do you mean, "again"?

When have I ever done that?

Sorry I'm late, Jase.

I had a nightmare getting here. I was stuck in traffic for ages, right, so I just got out the car and walked.

Anyway, I stopped off for breakfast but they wouldn't serve me any because it was one minute past.

So I pulled out my machine gun and started firing it...

Isn't that the plot to Falling Down?

I was up all night watching my neighbours through binoculars.

I even managed to solve a murder. Mad, eh?

That's the film Rear Window.

Look, I'm dating this girl all right, who's only free in the middle of the night.

Well, I say 'girl', I mean 'mannequin'.

I say 'only free' - I mean 'comes to life'.

Like in the film Mannequin?

Yeah, a bit like that.

OK, picture the scene.

Opening credits, a spaceship flies over head, this is the Imperial Star Fleet...

OK, OK. But this time I'm telling the truth.

Get. Here.

Now!

Piss off, you pathetic jobsworth.

You're nothing to me, you hear?

Nothing!

Psst. Dontom.

Over here.

I like the way you handled that guy. You're brave.

Would you speak to one of my clients?

Oh, I wasn't actually speaking to...

You see, he agreed to take three projects from us but now he's stalling.

If Karen finds out I haven't secured them, it'll be "Adios, Senor Fairdog", you know what I mean?

-Er, no. Not really...

-I've never been any good at hard-balling.

His name's Jeffrey Underscore, he's based in Bristol, and he sounds like he might have a moustache.

OK, but what exactly are we selling here?

-Ha, ha. Good one. Like it.

-No, no, no. I'm serious.

Oh, hello it's, er, Don...

Tom. From...?

Barry Fairdog's desk.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that but Barry had to rush off for the afternoon because he's got... the shits.

I know you've had a change of heart, Jeffrey, but you've just got to make it work.

-Harder.

-You want me to come round and roundhouse you in the prick?!

-That's a bit hard.

-OK, fine, fine.

Don't take them then, I don't care.

I don't know, we'll just sell them on, make a tidy profit.

We don't need you.

Oh, oh, now you're interested?

Yeah, OK.

That's more like it.

Good boy, good boy.

-He's back in.

-My God, Dontom,

-you're a natural.

-You've just got to use your balls, Barry.

Always think with your balls.

HE MOUTHS THE WORDS

HE WHISTLES

Er, do you mind?

Not as big as I thought it would be.

Why? How big did you think... Wait a minute, what?

Marcus Blade, head of International.

-So? Can you stop looking at my penis, please?

-You're a fraud, aren't you?

-Er...

-You're not a temp.

-No, I'm not.

-What are you doing here?

I kinda just sneaked in.

You belong with me. On my team.

I saw you on that call earlier, clearing up Fairdog's mess.

You're a genius.

You act like it's so much bigger.

What if someone catches us?

That's half the fun, thinking we're going to get caught.

-I'm not so sure, this doesn't feel right.

-There's a condom machine. See, they want us to have sex.

After you.

-What precisely do you do at this company?

-Exactly!

What the hell are we doing here?

No, that's what I just asked.

-What say we start you on 35?

-35?

OK, look, £40,000 a year, but that's my final offer.

£40,000 a year?

Oh, my God, that is millions.

-We got a deal, Dontom?

-Yes!

Oh, er, my name's not Dontom. You'll need to know that for my pay slips.

It's Don. You know? Which is short for Donald.

Dontom was my, um, temping name.

Yeah, that really is a nice tip.

A very, very nice tip.

Welcome to the team.

Hey, beautiful Dontom.

What's going down, dude?

I've just been promoted.

What?

Yeah, Marcus Blade just offered me a place on his team.

-You fucking bitch!

-What?!

Fucking traitor bitch slut fuck.

All right, Barry, come on.

I haven't been promoted in eight years.

And you just waltz in here and go from temp to international in an afternoon.

Barry, I'm not actually a temp.

Oh! Rub it in why don't you?!

Why won't they promote ME?

WHY?

-Argh!

-SPLAT!

Don't worry about him. Does that every week. Buffoon.

Ambulance for Barry Fairdog.

Now, let me show you where you'll be sitting.

-You want me to come over there and roundhouse you in the prick?

-Oi! That's my line.

I think you'll find you've already been a huge influence around here.

MUSIC: "Money For Nothing" by Dire Straits

This is your vessel.

I've got a great feeling about this.

Are you Donald?

Er, yes.

Wow. I've heard so much about you.

-Really?

-Want to fuck me later?

-Say what now?

-Fuck me? You want to do that?

-Er, yes.

-Great.

PHONE RINGS

-Jason.

-OK, Don. I've given you plenty of warning but I'm afraid you're...

-I'm resigning!

-Fired. What?

You can stick your job where the sun doesn't shine.

Oh, and I don't mean Penge.

I'll have that. I'll have that. I'll have that.

I'll... Ooh, Waterworld Triple Disc Director's Cut, No Way Out. Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

'Finally I've got a great job with proper wages.

'It wasn't an accident I walked into this building today.

'It was my destiny.

'Should I treat myself to a holiday this year?

'Yeah, I've earned it.'

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh! Yeah!

This is so naughty.

God, there's a lot of graffiti in here.

"Your mum is gay". I mean, how can they be so certain?

Babe, shut up.

"Terry Banter's dads got AIDS"?

There's no apostrophe after the word dad.

Maybe Terry Banter's got two dads.

-Babe, you are not marking homework now.

-Sh! Sh!

-What?

-I think I can hear someone.

HE COUGHS

Oh, God, there's someone out there.

OK, well just be quiet and maybe they'll go.

I think it's best you stop what you're doing and leave.

This is not what you're thinking.

I'm helping her... to go to the toilet.

-I'm his... daughter.

-What?!

Well, they might believe it, you do look older than me.

Oh, great. Now you sound like Don.

Why are you bringing him into this?

I'll be waiting outside. I expect to see you there in 20 seconds.

It's 20 seconds. We've got time to finish, right?

Do you want me to come over there and roundhouse you in the prick?

-Come on, use your balls.

-Think with your balls, goddammit!

Er, why are you speaking to our clients like that?

What's with all the pricks and balls talk? Where the hell's your tie?

I'm just copying the new boy, Donald.

Ah, Karen. Need to dialogue with you vis-a-vis Donald, the new boy I've taken on.

He's amazing. And he's got a beautiful tip.

You've done what? Oh, Jesus. Right, listen up everyone!

I understand Marcus here's been promoting people.

Well, you shouldn't pay attention to Marcus. He's fired.

What?! That's madness, come on!

Sorry, Marcus. You're a liability.

You keep employing people without authority.

Now, I need to speak with this Donald person.

Well, come on. Who's Donald?

-I'm Donald.

-I'm Donald.

I'm Donald.

Wow, you guys are doing a Spartacus for me?

No. My name's actually Donald.

Yeah, so's mine. That's weird.

Donald and Donald, sit down. I know who you both are, you fools.

So, you're Donald?

Er, one of them.

I don't like hard-balling clients, and I don't like a slapdash attitude to tie wearing.

This organisation has a reputation for kindness. And tie wearing.

Look, I hear you, I do.

But sometimes you just got to bust a few chops, right?

What? Donald. This is a charity.

So that's what you do here!

Right, you're a...

charity?

And we do not bust people's chops.

We find homes for war orphans.

Oh, shit.

OK, fine.

Don't take them, I don't care.

I don't know, we'll just sell them on, make a tidy profit.

You mean I was selling war orphans?

'Warphans', yes. And we're not selling them! My God, man!

-His methods get results, Karen.

-Hush, Marcus!

-Now I want you to clear your desk immediately.

-You're firing me.

Do all of those few hours I've been at this company mean nothing?

You can go back to your temp job.

Temp job? I don't have a temp job.

I was just...

-hiding in this building.

-What?

I was hiding from my flatmate and her boyfriend.

Please don't fire me, Karen. I've already told my real boss to shove his job where the sun don't shine.

-What? Penge?

-Please, Karen, please. Don't fire me.

This job means so much to me.

I've never had a job with such good wages before. Please! Oh, shit.

I bought a speedboat on the internet.

Please, Karen, please.

I'm an orphan too.

Please.

If we see you near these premises again we'll call the police.

Get off! Ow!

What's going on with you two?

Jesus, the service here is terrible.

-You're telling me.

-We just got caught shagging in the toilets.

Really?

-Wow, that's...

-Exciting?

-Yeah.

-Come on.

You've finished work early, Don.

Oh, God. Babe, he never actually worked there.

Did you?

-Nah.

-I don't get what's going on.

Brian, I have no career, OK.

Just a crappy little part-time job.

At least I hope I have.

Shit, I'm going to have to call Jason and do some serious arse-licking.

Oh, God. I think my hangover's coming. My head feels like syrup.

See you later, Barry.

Bye, Dontom. Stay in touch!

'So, like I said, my name's Don Danbury and this How Not to...

'Well, you get the idea.'